First appearance: S7E3 — Chinchilla the White — Akumu v Jinx · watch it on YouTube
Akumu is a half-elf paladin and warlock, played by versachiko, who was pulled into the Void straight out of a ditch and into a fight to the death with the gamer Jinx. She is a cheerful, staggering disaster whose blood is “half vodka” and whose deity is Captain Morgan. She also punted a chinchilla into a sun, and she did it twice. She won anyway. Her parting advice to the Acolytes was to drink water, not vodka.
Story
S7E3 — Chinchilla the White — Akumu v Jinx
Akumu came through the Arbiter’s portal with a simple explanation: “I fell asleep in a ditch, and now I’m here, and I’m really confused about it.” She had never heard of the Dread Fortress. When the Grandmaster offered her water, she asked whether it had vodka in it, so the Arbiter conjured her a full goblet, which she judged to be “potato water.” She told Jinx, “I have big sword. Big sword is good,” and then the Arbiter flung them both onto an orange asteroid in deep space, beneath what might have been millions of cheering Acolytes.
Jinx struck first, carving into Akumu with twin scimitars and a rat-like echo of herself. Akumu barely flinched: “It’s a good thing I’m so drunk… my blood is half vodka.” She swore an oath of enmity against Jinx and held her back with a hand on her head. She realized she had no weapons until Thea came sprinting across the asteroid with them, tripped, and sent them flying. Akumu caught them (“I’m so good at catching things”) and answered with her “Drunken Sword style.” During a chaos event, the Grandmaster asked the champions to warm a pair of freezing chinchillas. Jinx tucked hers into her onesie. Akumu drop-kicked hers toward the distant sun. Later in the fight, a section of the crowd covered in gray fur, a horde of chinchillas, raised a forest of tiny middle fingers in her direction.
When Jinx came at her again, Akumu splashed a bottle of fireball whisky into a shimmering amber wall, then drank her own shield to heal. She chugged even more fireball to patch herself up properly. When Jinx’s echo dove in to protect its maker, Akumu landed a natural 20 and sliced the “Jinx rat” out of existence. The next chaos event sent a giant hamster ball with a chinchilla inside rolling toward them, and Akumu punted it into the sun as well (“Here goes Denny”). Weary and battered, she walked straight past Jinx’s shadow, took its blow (“I made a choice”), and called on Captain Morgan as the arena came to smell “like a dive bar.” She brought her sword down, broke Jinx’s controller in two, and cut Jinx in half with it. Then the first chinchilla she had kicked into the sun returned in shining platinum as Chinchilla the White. It stitched Jinx back together, and Akumu responded by leaping onto its shoulders “like Groot and Rocket.” She told it, “I feel like I sent it on a journey and it came back better,” and the great chinchilla agreed, grateful for the trip.
When The Box of Chaos crashed onto the asteroid, Akumu offered it her grandmother, Bailey, who was also a bottle of Bailey’s that Akumu had carried her whole life. Akumu asked Bailey whether this was how she wanted to go out, and reported that she said yes. The shadowy figure inside the box drank Bailey down (“Your grandma is silky smooth”), and in return gave Akumu the legendary battleaxe Thaneater. Then Akumu revealed she was also a warlock and blasted Jinx from across the asteroid with eldritch beams. With her last act, Jinx had her shadow dog wrap Akumu in a comforting hug, stick its tongue inside her ear to make it nice and wet, and whisper to her. Then tiny worms dragged Jinx’s body underground. “I killed my grandma for this, so, you know. It was worth it,” Akumu told the Grandmaster. Her victory message made the Acolytes pour their drinks out in a waterfall: “Hey, drink water, not vodka. I’m built wrong. Go be built right.”
Personality and Abilities
Akumu is a half-elf about the same height as Jinx, which made their attempts at a menacing stare-down awkward. She is cheerfully, permanently drunk: vodka is her blood, her oxygen and, by her account, her mother, and she insists water “will literally kill me.” She admits “I’m not smart,” and at the table her player explained that Akumu acts on the first bad thought that pops into her head. That accounts for most of the chinchilla situation. She licks her own blood off her arm as “recycling,” calls herself an ecologist for controlling the chinchilla population, and is very particular about her name: “Akumu! Mu, like cow!”
In a fight, she swings a greatsword in her own “Drunken Sword style” and channels holy power through her blade on behalf of her deity, Captain Morgan, who she believes will find the One Piece. She can conjure a defensive wall from a bottle of fireball whisky, heals herself by chugging more of it, and keeps a warlock’s eldritch blast in her back pocket for opponents who stay out of reach. She left the arena carrying Thaneater, a legendary battleaxe that deals deathly damage and heals its wielder on its best strikes.
Relationships
- Jinx: Her opponent, a gamer in a unicorn onesie. Akumu offered her vodka, was refused because drinking on stream is against the rules, and killed her twice.
- Chinchilla the White: The chinchilla she kicked into the sun. It came back glorified, revived her opponent, let her ride on its shoulders, and seemed grateful for the journey.
- Bailey: Her grandmother, a bottle of Bailey’s that Akumu carried since she was “a wee one” and sacrificed, with Bailey’s consent, to the Box of Chaos.
- Thea: Brought Akumu her weapons and later tossed her a bottle from a safe distance.
- Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer: Cheered her on (“You’re doing great, though, sweetie”), asked her not to imprint, and declared her the survivor.
- The Arbiter: Supplied her vodka, though he worried about supporting her alcoholism, adding, “but we’re really not parents.”
- The Box of Chaos: Took her grandmother and gave her Thaneater.
Memorable Quotes
- “I fell asleep in a ditch, and now I’m here, and I’m really confused about it.” (S7E3)
- “Can I tuck a chinchilla into the sun?” (S7E3)
- “Oh my god, an adventure. It’s exploring the sun now.” (S7E3)
- “That’s not what my mom ever told me, you know, because she’s vodka.” (S7E3)
- “I killed my grandma for this, so, you know. It was worth it.” (S7E3)
“Hey, drink water, not vodka. I’m built wrong. Go be built right.” (S7E3)