First appearance: Blood Puppets · watch it on YouTube
Befferfoot is a half-orc champion who strode into the Void announcing “I here to kill, I here to maim, I here to destroy,” and the Arbiter immediately added that grammar was on the list too. He fought Basil Herringbone in S3E12 — Blood Puppets — Basil Herringbone v Befferfoot, a match the Grandmaster herself called “the weirdest fight.” Along the way he was abducted by aliens, faced his deepest fear, gigged a giant frog and lost his emotional-support Corgi. Under all of that, he was a son who only wanted to buy his mama a birthday present.
Story
In the halls of The Dread Fortress, The Arbiter ripped open a portal, and Befferfoot walked through it amid laser lights and fog. He faced the Grandmaster, who was in a foul mood over her missing crown, and promised he was bigger, stronger and faster than the “puny rabbit” across from him. When Basil explained he was a “rabbit boy man” going through a transitional period, Befferfoot warned him, “Your hormonal change will be your undoing.” The arena was the Grandmaster’s “cave of wonders,” a dank cavern of tadpole-filled puddles with a roaring waterfall over its only exit, while The Acolytes watched from a stadium overhead. The first exchange set the tone. Basil’s frost magic left icicles on Befferfoot’s body, the Grandmaster asked whether his nipples were simply out (“They’re very sharp,” he said), and he answered with a bolt of fire.
Then the Grandmaster let the underdog trigger the chaos, and a silver flying saucer beamed Befferfoot up. The aliens taught him their ways with books and scrolls and sent him back “smarter, but your forehead is noticeably larger now.” Asked what he had read, he said, “The thick ones with the little letters.” Later the Acolytes rained underwear on the champions, and Befferfoot ate it (“Half-orc things”). The Acolytes then sent down edible underwear, beer and pineapple pizza. Befferfoot got out of the water Basil had bloodied by sawing off his own leg for Gerald, and he refused to poop in it (“It’s got its blood on it”). Instead he blinked across the cave to blast Basil from behind and paused now and then to pet Rolando, his Corgi emotional-support animal, whose wagging tail soothed his wounds. When the shadows of the cave became the champions’ fears, his took the form of exactly two bees. He screamed until he ran out of air.
The fight only got stranger from there. Befferfoot teleported up Basil’s wall in a puff of blue and stabbed him in the gut. After a meal of “artisan” underwear he swelled even bigger than Basil, and the stone gave way beneath him. The Grandmaster named the bees Henry and Henrietta. Henrietta’s sting left him allergic and poisoned, and she died from it (“That’s the kind of B they are”). When the Arbiter collapsed the cave and a giant frog swallowed Basil whole, Befferfoot tried gently prying its jaws open. Then he drove his short sword up through its chin with a perfect strike, split its face in half and locked eyes with Basil inside, who flipped him off while reading Drunken Master Weekly. Moments later a wild crossbow shot landed at Rolando’s feet. The terrified Corgi fled to the stands to sit beside Doug with plenty of treats, leaving Befferfoot apologizing: “I didn’t mean it, Rolando… I’m gonna have to buy him snacks and stuff.”
Basil’s poison spray turned out to be a gift, because Befferfoot’s natural immunities kicked in and cured his allergy. The Grandmaster declared “We have Bunny-Man and Bee-Man now.” Given a giant frog of his own, Befferfoot launched off Basil’s abandoned frog to reach him on the wall, after an animal handling check that came out as “anal handling” (“You successfully anal handled this frog,” the Arbiter said), and slashed the “stupid bunny man.” He then fumbled his crossbow in mid-air and landed flat on his back on a rock (“That’s what you get for doing anal handling,” said the Grandmaster). Basil leapt high and came down with his sun-blade leg, and the second kick shattered Befferfoot’s shield “like falling glass.” As his life slowed, he said all he had wanted was money for Mama’s birthday present. He handed Basil a birthday card to deliver, and Basil shook the blood, guts and brain matter off it. Rolando went home with his killer, who renamed him Bethabitch. Afterwards, Befferfoot reflected that “Mama would rather have me home than jewelry for birthday.” The Arbiter noted his body would be hard to identify, since he had no teeth.
Personality and Abilities
Befferfoot was all swagger and broken sentences, quick with an insult (“Calm down, Homeslice”) and proudly aware of his limits: “I’m no good with words, but you die!” He had a soft core. He kept a Corgi for when fights got overwhelming, he promised Rolando snacks after nearly shooting him, and he fought for his mother. His fears were very specific, and his diet was very broad: “Anything is edible if you can digest.”
In the arena he fought like a slippery skirmisher. He threw bolts of fire, blinked short distances in a puff of blue, and slipped and dodged around harm. He also stabbed hard at anyone who wasn’t watching him. He carried a short sword, a short bow and a crossbow, and the crossbow betrayed him at the worst moments. He leaned heavily on a magical shield, which the Grandmaster officially rebranded “the coward spell.” By the end of the match he had alien-boosted brains, a larger forehead and an immunity to bees, and he vowed of the bees, “I shall call upon them one day.”
Relationships
- Basil Herringbone: His opponent and killer, who took Befferfoot’s birthday card to deliver to Mama, along with his dog.
- Rolando: His Corgi emotional-support animal, who fled after a stray crossbow bolt and later went home with Basil.
- The aliens: Abducted him mid-fight and returned him smarter and larger of forehead.
- Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer: Let him roll the chaos as the underdog (“Make it a good one. Or I’m just gonna banish you”) and christened him Bee-Man.
Memorable Quotes
- “I here to kill, I here to maim, I here to destroy.” (S3E12 — Blood Puppets)
- “Your hormonal change will be your undoing.” (S3E12 — Blood Puppets)
- “The thick ones with the little letters.” (S3E12 — Blood Puppets)
- “Bees. But only like two at a time.” (S3E12 — Blood Puppets)
- “I’m no good with words, but you die!” (S3E12 — Blood Puppets)
- “All I wanted was to earn some money so I could buy Mama a birthday present. And now she’s not going to have no birthday present.” (S3E12 — Blood Puppets)