First appearance: S3E15 — Sunday Slam — Belet v Derick · watch it on YouTube
Belet is a noble adventurer from Waterdeep and the self-described “seventh in a long line of nobility.” As she put it, her parents “don’t give me shit,” so she went out to earn her own treasure, mostly by killing evil dragons. Pulled into the Void to fight the hippo cleric Derick, she brought a longsword, two family javelins, a pouch of hag’s eyes for good dogs and an unshakeable belief in labor rights. She left as the winner, with a splinter in her shin that she still had at the end of the night.
Story
The Arbiter found Belet in a dragon’s den. She said it was nice to meet someone who wasn’t trying to kill her, and he answered, “Trust me, I know exactly the feeling.” She stepped through his portal into The Dread Fortress for S3E15 — Sunday Slam — Belet v Derick and introduced herself as “Belet Blesamar of Waterdeep.” The Arbiter had announced her as “Belet Bladesimmer. Or something like that.” She explained to the Grandmaster that not all dragons are evil. Some just “have a rough upbringing,” while “there’s other dragons who are pretty nice.” Her terms for fighting depended on the pay, which she was assured was “adequate.” The arena was an ancient, rotting battlefield ringed with broken wagons, and her first question was whether her benefits covered a tetanus shot. Before the fight began, she knelt and fed Doug a juicy hag’s eye, an oblong eyeball still attached to muscle tissue. Doug danced happily between her feet and gave her his blessing.
Belet opened by leaping onto a banister and hitting Derick with both javelins. When the Grandmaster said she believed in her, Belet snapped, “You better start believing in me, fucker!” Scrambling over the wreckage toward him, she slid and took a splinter to the shin. The Grandmaster told her, “That’s the wound that you’re going to remember.” From the stands, her squire Shala (pronounced “Charlie” by outsiders) cheered her on, wearing a shirt with her face on it. She had rescued him from the ruined town of Greenest and chosen him because his nose was as big as hers, which made him a member of the Big Nose Club, whose members were also in the crowd. Derick hurled one of her own javelins back at her for a brutal blow. Belet answered with a first for the show, a wagon flipped onto an old man: she squatted deep and heaved a heavy cart over on top of him, shouting “Suck my wagon!” She then perched on top and tried to stab down through the boards while he held it up on his shoulders. When Derick ripped off his trunk, which had been glued on, the gesture horrified her and the Big Nose Club, who took it as mockery of their people.
When The Box of Chaos crashed into the wagon, Belet offered Gerald three VIP coupons for musicals back in Waterdeep. Gerald asked whether they ever did Les Mis, and she approved of its pro-labor message, adding that her bourgeois family wouldn’t. In return Gerald handed her a potion of storm giant strength, and she was suddenly monstrously powerful. Then Derick bribed Gerald with pipe weed, and Belet demanded, “You’re telling me you smoke weed and you’re against labor rights? What the fuck?” Gerald, now red-eyed and swaying in a billow of smoke, handed Derick a giant blunderbuss. A chaos event then turned her body against her, and she swept her own leg and landed tailbone-first in the mud. She tried again and tripped Derick properly, and she was pressing her attack when the Arbiter shielded Derick in a glowing barrier, out of sympathy for the old man and because, as the Grandmaster put it, “hippos are endangered.” Belet promptly declared that all the proceeds “while I’m kicking this hippo’s ass” would go to endangered wildlife across the galaxy. Lying on his back, Derick fired three explosive blunderbuss shots into her. She dodged the worst of the first blast, but the next two landed squarely.
In the final round, Doug’s blessing wasn’t enough to get past the Arbiter’s barrier (“Because we’ve rigged the election”). When Derick told her to calm down, she declared, “I will be plenty calm when you just respect people’s right to a fair living wage,” and her next swing killed him. She tucked an AARP pamphlet into his shirt pocket, and with his last breath he ripped it up. His last thoughts were of his brother Larry, whose armor he had taken. The Grandmaster flew Belet up to face the cheering Acolytes, where Shala and the Big Nose Club had taken their shirts off and were waving them over their heads, “free nipples all over in that section.” Afterwards she was promised a generous time-off package. That night it was also said that the Fortress is proudly pro-union, with unions for the goblins and the chinchillas. And she still had the splinter.
Personality and Abilities
Belet is a rebel rich kid: a noble who fights for her own treasure, sides with workers over her own class and pays her bribes in coupons rather than gold. She is quick with a jab, especially at an opponent’s age (“The future is now, old man”). She also invents rules on the spot, such as insisting that anyone attacking her with a giant teacup must first spill some tea about themselves. She has connections in Waterdeep’s musical theatre scene, a big nose she is proud of and a real gift with animals, which is why she carries hag’s eyes as pet treats.
In a fight she is a skilled, improvising warrior. She feints, lunges, shoves and trips, and she uses whatever the battlefield offers, including flipping a wagon onto her opponent. She can catch a second wind when tired, dig deep to shrug off what should floor her and punish anyone foolish enough to cast spells near her. She fights with a longsword and two fine family javelins bearing a Waterdeep inscription.
Relationships
- Derick: Her opponent, an old hippo cleric she flipped a wagon onto, mocked relentlessly and finally killed.
- Doug the Pug: Won over with a hag’s eye; he gave her his blessing for the fight.
- Gerald: Accepted her theatre coupons and gave her a potion of storm giant strength, then floated off to see Les Mis.
- The Arbiter: Found her in a dragon’s den and brought her to the Void, then shielded her opponent mid-fight.
- Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer: Promised her benefits, argued with her about whether “bop” is still a word and named her the victor.
Memorable Quotes
- “You better start believing in me, fucker!” (S3E15)
- “Suck my wagon!” (S3E15)
- “I can hear your back breaking down there.” (S3E15)
- “Starting to feel like the chaos gods may have overcorrected by giving this person the minigun.” (S3E15)
- “I will be plenty calm when you just respect people’s right to a fair living wage.” (S3E15)
- “The future is now, old man.” (S3E15)