First appearance: S7E2 — Under the Oil Tree — Big Business v Bog Boy · watch it on YouTube
Big Business is a towering Warforged paladin who rose from his chair wreathed in steam and walked into the arena, convinced the swamp was his land and a shopping mall was its destiny. He bleeds money, sprays cash from his turbines and lives by a single creed: “Big is my business, and business is big.” His grudge match against Bog Boy in S7E2 — Under the Oil Tree — Big Business v Bog Boy was fought over a bog, an oil spill and a catfish named Clementine. He lost his head in the end, but not entirely his mind: a swamp witch fused his scrap into his rival, and his voice still talks inside Bog Boy’s head.
Story
Big Business was waiting in a chair in the lobby of The Dread Fortress when the Arbiter clapped the champions into the throne room. Plumes of steam rolled off his base. He stood somewhere between 6’7” and 7’9”, and nobody could tell exactly through the steam, “but he big and you know he mean business.” When Bog Boy rose from the reeds and accused him (“You know what you did”), Big Business was happy to oblige: “One bog down, one more shopping mall up.” The Grandmaster informed him that is not what they say. She did side with him on one thing, though. When Bog Boy held up Clementine and asked if she wasn’t beautiful, the Grandmaster called it “disgusting” and voted with Big Business. The Arbiter then tore open a portal onto a snowy mountaintop littered with the bones and armor of earlier dead.
The fight went badly for him at first. Bog Boy’s flurry of blows bounced off a clear-coat shield that dropped over Big Business. Big Business answered by pressing his scoop hands together and turning into a giant bulldozer (“Transformers, the most capitalism-based robots ever”) while his “odor cannons” showered the Acolytes in gold coins. Bog Boy bit onto one of his shovels and twisted it back around, and Big Business was too busy watching Clementine leap in her bucket to stop it. The turtle drove the shovel into Big Business’s own gut. “Oh, you got me right in the business,” he groaned. The Acolytes cheered him anyway, and blue slushies flew everywhere. Between blows the backstory spilled out. Big Business had poured oil through the swamp because he “was trying to grow an oil tree.” Clementine had been his “fish wife” until she left him. He also claimed that Bog Boy “was a human child. Then I put him in the oil tree.” When a chaos event dropped a mechanical bull under both champions, Big Business wired himself straight into it. He used to hang out with a man named Mandroid who “knew how to connect the machines, various vending machines and the like.” Bog Boy got thrown.
Then Big Business found his rhythm. Caught by a slushy in his chest receptacle and lubricated for the occasion, he hit the ground with a “piston power punch” that sent an earthquake rolling toward the snow-covered rocks where Bog Boy was hiding. A rock dropped onto the turtle’s shell. “That’s what you get for not having a decent portfolio, son.” When Bog Boy clung to his chest, a stock ticker inside him printed money and his turbines sprayed cash into the turtle’s face. He blessed himself and two Acolytes, B-Town and Cookie Monster Steve, and declared record high profits. In the fourth round he turned his scoops sideways into “the kill position.” A single floating dollar bill reminded him of his blessing, and he smacked Bog Boy into the air with one shovel and slammed him down with the other. He also won a giant game of rock, paper, scissors, picking rock because “it’s the strongest one out there.” Offered a steak as his prize, he asked for money instead.
At the end Big Business had Bog Boy flat in the snow, cradling Clementine. He offered his rival one last deal: become manager of the new shopping mall (“It pays very little”) or die. Bog Boy refused: “I live for the bog. I die for the bog.” Big Business brought his boot down twice. Bog Boy survived the second stomp by a miracle, then shoved the leg aside, punched him in the groin and struck his chin without even looking. In slow motion, Big Business saw Clementine in the arms of the crowd, and his last thoughts were of “all them poor little dollars he got at home waiting for him to return.” His eyes rolled to zeros. His head popped off, and his body stood for a moment before clattering into a pile of scrap. After Bog Boy proposed to Clementine, the swamp witch Griselda arrived to claim her daughter. She animated Big Business’s scraps and fused them piece by piece into Bog Boy, who grew taller and stronger with a second mind inside his own. “Tell you, bog boy, we ain’t done yet. You ready to do some business?” Bog Boy said no.
Personality and Abilities
Big Business is a walking slot machine with a mortgage broker’s heart. He has shovel-like scoop hands that combine into a bulldozer, a core that glows bright green and goes “cha-ching” when things are going his way, and exhaust pipes and turbines that spray coins and cash. His leg rolls up “all sevens” like a jackpot, scanners light up on his head, a chest receptacle opens on demand, and an internal stock ticker prints money constantly. Instead of blood, he bleeds money (“I’m like a piñata!”), and he has a “money port,” which he complained sounds dirty when someone else says it.
He fights with a maul and a shield of cash, and as a paladin he can heal himself with a touch, call down holy smites and bless his allies, Acolytes included. His only instinct, he told the Grandmaster, “is capitalism.” Every line is a sales pitch, every threat is real estate (“We’re going to pave you into a parking lot”), and his long-term plan was to plant oil trees “across the whole hemisphere.”
Relationships
- Bog Boy: His sworn rival over the swamp and Clementine. He claimed to have backhanded Bog Boy as a little turtle and put him in the oil tree. Bog Boy killed him, and Big Business now lives on inside him.
- Clementine: The catfish he calls his “fish wife,” who left him for Bog Boy. “Clementine, I told you you should have stayed with the big man.”
- The Arbiter: Big Business took a shine to him on sight: “I like you, Arbiter. We got to talk real estate.”
- Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer: She sided with him on Clementine and admitted, “I still have my money on big bucks. Sorry, big business,” but she firmly rejected his oil-tree mall campaign.
- Doug the Pug: Big Business taunted Bog Boy that Clementine was “going to get with that dog.”
Memorable Quotes
“Big is my business, and business is big. Who do you want me to fight?” (S7E2)
- “I was trying to grow an oil tree.… You plant the oil, then you come back and you got an oil tree.” (S7E2)
- “That’s my land. I’m going to build a mall on it, and I’m going to get my fish wife back.” (S7E2)
- “That’s what you get for not having a decent portfolio, son.” (S7E2)
- “My only instinct is capitalism, Grandmaster.” (S7E2)
“Tell you, bog boy, we ain’t done yet. You ready to do some business?” (S7E2)