First appearance: S4 Ep3, Swindlers - Griff v Cappin Fodder · watch it on YouTube
Cappin Fodder was a halfling pirate, self-proclaimed “the bestest pirate in the world,” pulled into the Void to fight the satyr hustler Griff in S4 Ep3, Swindlers - Griff v Cappin Fodder. Played by QuincysTavern, he arrived with a mouthful of insults, a whip as long as he was tall and almost no sense of self-preservation. He made history as the first champion to throw his whole self into The Box of Chaos. He lost the fight, but he stole the show doing it.
Story
Fodder came through the Grandmaster’s blood portal straight from a pre-fight snack. He promised kneecappings and opened by calling Griff “a scrawny looking satyr.” He boasted of the Monkmaker, a pair of scissors aboard his ship that had “filled a whole monastery,” and declared he didn’t deal with liars. That won over The Shadow King, who announced, “My money’s on this one.” The fight took place in a broken, cold temple watched over by a great statue of Vythorn. Before it began, Fodder looked up at The Acolytes circling overhead and shouted, “Hey, you up there. Top row. Jump.” Someone did. “I’m just that influential,” he said, while goblins cleaned up the mess.
He started with a flourish. He whipped Griff’s staff out of his hands, ran off with it, and hurled it into the stands with a cry of “This is for you!” It hit an Acolyte named Harvey in the head and stayed there. He then performed a satyr dance so well that Griff was “almost a little ashamed.” When the Acolytes summoned Dolly, the haunted doll, Griff pointed at Fodder and volunteered him as her friend. Fodder gravely apologized to Griff for his earlier insults, pulled out a blunderbuss and shot off three of her fingers. Dolly answered by burning his toes and fingers “as she had lost hers,” and Fodder crab-scuttled away muttering “nope, nope, nope.” When Harvey finally pulled the staff out of his skull and threw it back, Fodder won a tug of war over it against Griff’s fiery phoenix, Griffy.
The Box of Chaos drew him in, in every sense. His first offering was Griff’s staff, but Griffy snatched it back mid-air and Griff gifted it to the box himself. So Fodder tightened the bandana over his eyes, crouched as if being launched from a cannon, and dove headfirst into the box. The Acolytes were stunned: “We’ve seen toes and teeth and daggers and honey thrown in, but a whole person?” Inside, the box’s fire melted away his right arm, and its shadowy resident jammed a blade into the stump. It was a sword of life stealing, made from the repurposed soul of Prince Vegeta, a soul the Shadow King had picked to fill his empty box earlier in the fight. Fodder then had the box tip over and fire him out like a cannon at Griff. Griff had made himself a ghost with a tattoo from the box, so Fodder sailed straight through his chest and landed head-first on the floor. He called it “totally worth it.”
Fodder did land blows. He whipped Griff’s hindquarters (“Booty hit. Booty hit. Whip it good.”) and left him limping, and the new sword arm fed him health as it cut. But the fight turned when Griff froze him in place with a spell, and Fodder couldn’t shake it off. Then the Shadow King woke the statue of Vythorn, and its fist hammered the helpless pirate “like a nail, just like halfway into the ground.” Still frozen, Fodder could only “think very nasty thoughts,” mostly involving Griff’s legs on a spit with sriracha and garlic powder. Griff set a copper piece on his head, told him to “go down to the corner and buy yourself a clue,” and called down a pillar of holy fire. Fodder’s last words were “Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.” As he burned, he locked eyes with the Acolytes, who stared back and saluted as his ashes blew away. Griff swept up what was left with Griffy’s tail feathers and dumped it into the Box of Chaos while the Grandmaster intoned “Asses to asses, butts to butts,” and then she slammed the lid: “We will never forget you. Oh, that grand booty.” Even that wasn’t quite the end. After the show, his ashes pulled themselves together into eyeballs and a rough mouth to offer one last piece of advice: “screw the rules.”
Personality and Abilities
Fodder looked like a typical halfling pirate in brown leathers. His one oddity was a bandana tied over his eyes, with little slits cut in it so he could see. It was meant to be intimidating and didn’t really work. He was all bravado: quick with an insult and fearless to the point of stupidity. The Grandmaster suggested Dolly was smarter than he was, and that his blunderbuss “knows better than you.” He claimed to hate liars and liked to refer to himself in the third person (“Cappin Fodder never runs from a fight”). The Grandmaster wondered aloud whether his spelling of “Cappin” made him “the off-brand” captain.
In a fight he was a scrappy slasher. His whip reached 10 feet and cut deep enough to leave foes limping. He also carried a dagger, a hand axe and a blunderbuss that appeared when he needed it. From the Box of Chaos he gained a short-sword right arm of life stealing, which healed him every time it bit. He was hard to put down and could push himself to strike again and again. In the end, though, his luck ran colder than his courage.
Relationships
- Griff: His opponent and insult-trading rival, whom he called “old goat man” and “Goat Grandpa.” Griff killed him with holy fire and swept his ashes into the box.
- The Shadow King: Bet on Fodder early (“My money’s on this one”), then animated the statue that crushed him.
- Dolly: The haunted doll he was volunteered to befriend. He shot her instead, and she burned his fingers and toes in return.
- The Acolytes: He talked one into jumping from the top row and lodged Griff’s staff in another’s head. They saluted him as he died.
- The Grandmaster: Summoned him, roasted his intelligence and his spelling, and closed the box on his ashes with a eulogy for his booty.
- The Arbiter: Fodder was pounded halfway into the floor by an animated statue of Vythorn, the Endless Scholar.
Memorable Quotes
“Hey, you up there. Top row. Jump.” (Swindlers)
- “Those who die first shall go first.” (Swindlers)
- “It’s a deathmatch. Read the room.” (Swindlers)
- “Words can’t hurt me.” (Swindlers)
- “Captain Crunched.” (Swindlers)
“Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.” (Swindlers)