First appearance: S7E2 — Under the Oil Tree — Big Business v Bog Boy · watch it on YouTube
Claude is the janitor of The Dread Fortress. He is a small man in a tall blue hat who says almost nothing, and he became an unlikely running gag of the Season of Vigilance. Thea is convinced he is an evil wizard and the office lunch thief, which makes him the villain of her Thea Teaches segments. Meanwhile the Grandmaster quietly keeps him around as her chess partner, because he is better at the game than the Arbiter.
Story
S7E2 — Under the Oil Tree — Big Business v Bog Boy
Claude first came to the hosts’ attention through Thea. Before the fight, the Grandmaster mentioned that Thea’s latest video “talks poorly about Claude.” The Arbiter asked what Thea’s problem with him was. The Grandmaster admitted she had not known Claude worked at the Fortress at all until she saw the video.
When the Arbiter wondered whether Thea thought Claude was a wizard, the Grandmaster waved it off. “He’s just the janitor. He’s not a wizard. He has no magical powers as I’m aware of.” Then a doubt crept in: “Have we had him take the magic test?” The Arbiter saw no reason to: “Why would we? He’s a janitor.” The Grandmaster added it to her list of things to follow up on after the Deathmatch. Nobody has had him take the test since.
S7E4 — The Cheese — Sila v Ol’ Pumpernicklejack
Only two episodes later, the woman who hadn’t known Claude existed was playing chess with him in her throne room. Instead of the usual seat at the end of the beautiful purple rug, a table stood in the middle of the room, and across from the Grandmaster sat Claude: tall blue hat slightly askew, bushy beard, and tiny feet that couldn’t reach the edge of his chair.
The Arbiter wanted to know why she bothered playing with the janitor. The Grandmaster was blunt: “He’s actually pretty good at it. He’s better than you.” She added that the Arbiter hadn’t beaten her in fifty years, or perhaps fifty-two. The Arbiter protested that Claude “doesn’t even speak English.” The Grandmaster had an answer for that too: “Everybody knows the French play chess exceptionally well… I think it’s a requirement. That and drinking wine.” She then admitted she was only assuming: “I think Claude is French.” When she loses to him, she sends him back to clean the toilet. This time, too, he was ordered off to clean the toilet, and Claude vanished with a poof.
S7E9 — Necro-Nightmare — Squiggles v Ray S’urdead
Thea’s feud with Claude did not cool off. By this episode she was calling him incompetent, and she had at one point taken his arms off, with the promise “I’ll give them back.”
Personality and Abilities
Claude is small, with a bushy beard, tiny feet and a tall blue hat that never sits quite straight. He is French, and he speaks only a single phrase: “huh huh.” His job is cleaning the Dread Fortress, toilets included.
His one confirmed talent is chess. The Grandmaster says he is pretty good at it, better than the Arbiter, and she sometimes loses to him. Whether he has any magic is an open question. The Grandmaster believes he has none, but no one has ever given him the magic test. Thea is certain he is a wizard, that he is evil, and that he steals the office lunches.
Relationships
- Thea: His self-appointed nemesis. She casts him as the evil wizard villain of Thea Teaches, blames him for the lunch thefts, calls him incompetent, and once removed his arms.
- The Grandmaster: His employer and chess partner. She rates him above the Arbiter at the board and sends him back to the toilets when she loses.
- The Arbiter: Doubts Claude is worth a magic test or a chess game, even though the Grandmaster says Claude is the better player.
Memorable Quotes
- The Grandmaster: “He’s just the janitor. He’s not a wizard. He has no magical powers as I’m aware of. Have we had him take the magic test?” (S7E2)
- The Arbiter: “Why would we? He’s a janitor.” (S7E2)
- The Grandmaster: “He’s actually pretty good at it. He’s better than you.” (S7E4)
- The Arbiter: “He doesn’t even speak English.” (S7E4)
- The Grandmaster: “Everybody knows the French play chess exceptionally well… I think it’s a requirement. That and drinking wine.” (S7E4)
- Thea, on taking his arms: “I’ll give them back.”