First appearance: S4E8 — Blood Rain — Fatale v Claudia · watch it on YouTube
Claudia was a university professor who studied plants, pulled into The Void to fight Fatale in a Deathmatch staged on a flying ship. She was nervous, polite and constantly apologising, and she armed herself with gardening shovels “in case of emergency gardening.” The Shadow King scoffed at her as a nerd, but she won. Her prize turned out to be a trap with a single deadly ingredient.
Story
S4E8 — Blood Rain — Fatale v Claudia
Claudia stepped through the Grandmaster’s blood-summoned portal into the throne room of The Dread Fortress, tracking garden dirt across the floor and announcing, “I am ready to do the kicking of the ass.” The Shadow King took one look and asked whether the Grandmaster had really brought a nerd into the arena. The two champions were sent onto a magnificent wooden ship sailing 80 feet up through the clouds, with a ghostly coliseum of The Acolytes hanging overhead. When Claudia cheerfully told her opponent “I believe in you,” Fatale pointed out that this meant Claudia wanted to die. Claudia replied that the two were “not mutually exclusive.”
The fight started badly for her. Fatale vanished against the crow’s-nest pole and planted a dagger in Claudia’s shoulder, and Claudia yanked it out in a panic and wrapped herself in magical armour and a bladesinger’s trance. A giant, exhausted sky puppy then landed on the deck and fell asleep between them. Fatale climbed onto it, scratched an itchy spot on its butt and got farted on for her trouble, and Claudia was left demanding to know what the smell was and whether it was still on her. Frightened enough, Claudia shifted into her tree form, a bark-skinned, weeping-willow version of herself born from an old laboratory accident. She then froze Fatale stiff with magic. Held in place, Fatale whispered a deal too quietly for the hosts to hear. Fatale had come to spy on the Shadow King and the Grandmaster, and Claudia admitted she had come for something too: the Shadow King’s grandmother’s secret soup recipe, the one with the cilantro. Fatale offered to fetch it for her later if Claudia would fly away on the puppy. Claudia said she would think about it, but that Fatale had to stay over there, because she had stabbed her in the shoulder.
Chaos piled up quickly. The Grandmaster gave Claudia a shoe box, and Claudia, being curious, opened it. Squeaky shoes appeared on her feet, laces tied tight. The bored Acolytes pelted the ship with cats, hot dogs and an Ikea piano until the dog woke up and bounded into the stands. Claudia threw a small gardening trowel at The Box of Chaos as an offering, apologised profusely to the shadowy creature who climbed out to complain (“Why are you throwing shit at me?”), and received a potion of invisibility. Invisible but still squeaking, she discovered the Grandmaster had made her a ventriloquist (Claudia explained it as “her side hobby”), and she flung squeaks all over the deck. She finally silenced her shoes by stabbing each squeaker with her little shovel (“This is not Saw”). Her invisibility then wore off mid-flail. The Shadow King grew bored, tipped the ship nose-first and slammed it into the ground, and the champions found themselves on a mountaintop among the rocks and bushes.
On the mountain, Claudia found her nerve. “I am not going to be scared of you anymore,” she declared, and tried to freeze Fatale again, but Fatale rolled a perfect 20 and broke free. Claudia dove into the bushes. Later she dashed past Fatale with a thunderous shovel swing that missed, and a squirrel loyal to Fatale kicked her in the heel. Then the Shadow King snapped his fingers, stripped both champions’ armour away and doubled every wound. Claudia screamed at the top of her lungs and brought her shovels down on Fatale with devastating force. With the surge of power the Acolytes’ cheering had granted her, she begged the plants to “protect me, I’m so good to you.” Vines rose to bind Fatale’s ankles. Fatale lashed her whip around Claudia’s leg and dragged her close so they were tangled together face to face, and Claudia slapped her and asked if she was okay. Fatale dissolved into black petals. A worn piece of paper floated into Claudia’s lap: the soup recipe. The Shadow King appeared, congratulated her and told her to read closely for the secret ingredient.
At the bottom it said “Incinerate.”
He snapped his fingers, and the vines around her burst into flame, burning her where she sat.
Personality and Abilities
Claudia wore her blonde hair in little pigtails with pressed flowers in it and a poofy, rose-embroidered dress “reminiscent of Miss Frizzle,” and her gardening boots were still caked in dirt. She was panicky, sweet and endlessly apologetic, even to the creature in the Box of Chaos. She seemed only half aware that a Deathmatch involved death (“I might have missed that part of the memo”). Underneath the nerves, she was a bladesinger who fought with a gardening shovel and a smaller shovel. She also had a toolkit of spells: magical armour, a sudden protective shield, magic that froze foes in place, and a magical sprint that let her dash past enemies untouched. When frightened enough, she shifted into a tough, droopy, willow-like form with bark skin. Plants answered her call, and thanks to the Grandmaster she was briefly a ventriloquist.
Relationships
- Fatale: Her opponent, who stabbed her, whispered a deal to help her get the recipe, and dragged her close as she died.
- The Shadow King: Scoffed at her as a nerd, then pointed her to the secret ingredient in his grandmother’s recipe and incinerated her with it.
- Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer: Summoned her, cursed her with squeaky shoes and declared her a ventriloquist.
- The Box of Chaos: Took her gardening trowel and gave her a potion of invisibility.
Memorable Quotes
- “I am ready to do the kicking of the ass.” (S4E8)
- “They are not mutually exclusive.” (S4E8)
- “What the fuck is that smell? What are you doing up there? I thought we were supposed to be fighting! Is it still on me?” (S4E8)
- “Not for you! You can now start like a kitchen garden… I am so sorry… I regret everything.” (S4E8)
- “I am not going to be scared of you anymore.” (S4E8)
- “protect me, I’m so good to you.” (S4E8)