First appearance: S3E1 — Kill em with Kindness — Lumos the Spark v Ferndell Ironwind · watch it on YouTube
Ferndell Ironwind is a dwarf wizard and bounty hunter from the office dimension. His one dream is to become the highest-earning bounty hunter there. He was pulled into the Void to face Lumos the Spark in the opening fight of Season 3, and he walked away the winner. Along the way he made history with Gerald, stole Lumos’s yogurts, and conjured a very unsettling version of his own mother.
Story
The Arbiter clapped, ripped open a portal in time and space, and announced the matchup: “Ferndell Ironwind versus Lumos the Spark.” Out stepped the dwarf. Ferndell had a habit of stealing Lumos’s yogurts and throwing them out uneaten. He was making a stand, explaining that he was “not supporting big yogurt.”
In the arena, Ferndell fought like a careful, well-stocked wizard. He threw up magical shields, struck with blinding and deafening magic, slowed things down to a crawl, and blinked away in puffs of mist. He also charmed someone named Maximus into seeing things his way. His most memorable trick was a conjured nightmare that took the shape of his own mother. She is normally a sweet, grandmotherly lady in a white and pink apron who bakes cookies. Ferndell’s magic turned her murderous.
Ferndell also earned a place in the Void’s record books. He was the first champion ever to make a sacrifice to the Box of Chaos, giving up a piece of his own heroic spirit to Gerald. He introduced himself to the box as “the Yogurt Stealer,” and Gerald paid him back handsomely. Ferndell received the Fulminating Treatise, a spellbook he soon used to hurl a fireball, and a sentient greatsword.
Ferndell won the Deathmatch. Victory didn’t cure his habits. He slipped some local yogurt into the Grandmaster’s pockets. The Grandmaster had news from home for him: his mother sent “kisses,” and she expects him at dinner on Friday.
Personality and Abilities
Ferndell is ambitious, petty in the most principled way, and very committed to his war on big yogurt. He calls himself the Yogurt Stealer. His thefts are a crusade rather than a snack habit, since he throws the stolen yogurts away instead of eating them. Behind the bounty-hunter bravado is a dwarf with a cookie-baking mother who expects him at Friday dinner.
In a fight he relies on a deep wizard’s toolkit: protective shields, magic that blinds, deafens and slows, short misty teleports, charm magic, and a terrifying illusion drawn from his own life. Gerald’s gifts added the Fulminating Treatise, which gave him a fireball, and a sentient greatsword.
Relationships
- Lumos the Spark: His Deathmatch opponent and the main victim of his yogurt thefts.
- Gerald: Ferndell was the first champion ever to make a sacrifice to the box, and he was rewarded with a spellbook and a sentient greatsword.
- The Grandmaster: After his win he slipped yogurt into her pockets. She passed along his mother’s kisses and her reminder about Friday dinner.
Memorable Quotes
- “not supporting big yogurt” (S3E1), on why he throws away the yogurts he steals
- “the Yogurt Stealer” (S3E1), his self-given title, offered to Gerald
- “Ferndell Ironwind versus Lumos the Spark.” (S3E1), the Arbiter’s announcement as Ferndell entered the Void