First appearance: S3E4, Crypto Monkeys - K-Boom v Ignacio Marchade · watch it on YouTube
Ignacio Marchade was a deep-voiced, hood-wearing barbarian pulled into The Void to fight the gnome artificer K-Boom in S3E4, Crypto Monkeys - K-Boom v Ignacio Marchade. He arrived as a grim, brooding tough guy with a winged monkey at his side. He left as a tragic romantic, declaring his love for the man who had just set him on fire. His match ended in what was believed to be the first double death in Deathmatch history, and he went out insisting his soul would live on.
Story
Ignacio stepped through the portal at The Dread Fortress announcing he had “come back from the realms to whip K-Boom’s ass… and when I say ass, I mean die ass.” He was unmoved by K-Boom’s cryptocurrency, noting dryly that crypto “went down a lot in the market.” With him came Mort, a monkey Ignacio had found “strolling through… the Appalachian Mountains” and to whom he had “gave… wings.” K-Boom accused the pair of copyright infringement on Oz. Doug simply sniffed Mort and made him his best friend. The Grandmaster allowed Mort into the arena on the condition that he was potty trained.
The arena was a lake beside a ruined cabin in the snowy mountains, with a dark, deep pit at its centre. Ignacio began the fight right at the edge of that pit. When The Acolytes summoned Gerald, Ignacio dashed straight to it and offered up “my own best friend.” Gerald demanded “what the fuck is that?” but took the monkey anyway. “He knows the deal. He signed on for the trip,” Ignacio explained, while K-Boom threatened to call animal services. In return Gerald gave him the Wheel of Stars, a small metal charm of starlight and gravity magic that he never actually got around to using. His javelins went less well. The first landed beside K-Boom’s foot, “almost like it’s more of a threat,” and the second split the first one in half. Ignacio blamed a missing contact lens, which he suspected one of his fangirls had stolen. He was right.
He then flew into a rage, tearing off his sleeves and hiking his shorts even shorter as his muscles burst through the seams. The display failed to frighten K-Boom, who admired the thighs instead. Those thighs melted the snow when Ignacio tried to climb to high ground, and he only made it to a ledge about ten feet up, scraping his knee. When a mob of Acolytes started pelting the arena with everything from raw chicken to an anchor, Ignacio dodged every last object, his first natural 20 ever. He caught all 48 thrown pennies and ate a fish someone threw down. He kept the pressure on through K-Boom’s increasingly unhinged tricks: a fireball that mostly burned K-Boom himself, a cloud of daggers, and an electric grab underwater that shocked them both. Ignacio answered with a punch to the gnome’s throat, a cartwheel out of danger, three lance jabs that all missed before a fourth landed, and a point-blank crossbow shot. When K-Boom turned himself into a giant ape and crushed Ignacio’s toe, Ignacio drove two javelins into the ape’s chest and knocked the spell clean off him. He followed up with a lance aimed squarely at K-Boom’s sack, which only landed as a glancing blow to the nuts because the Grandmaster reminded him to use the gift she had given him earlier.
Then The Arbiter raised a water weird from the pit behind Ignacio. Ignacio fought off its first grab, and the two champions agreed to flee together. “Enemy of my enemy is my friend,” said K-Boom. “Until we kill each other, but that’ll be later,” said Ignacio. The weird caught up with Ignacio’s run for the rowboat anyway. The truce ended when K-Boom flashed a thumbs up, ran, and tossed a fireball behind his back that burned Ignacio to the ground. Dying, Ignacio wished his killer “a long and healthy life, brother” and confessed his love. K-Boom cradled him and showed him a doodle of Ignacio as an upcoming NFT. Ignacio’s last act was to rename him “K-Boom Marchand.” Moments later the water weird’s tail wrapped around both champions and dragged them into the black pit. There was no winner. Mort shed a tear in the stands, and the Grandmaster promised him, “You’ll be reunited one day.” The Arbiter dove into the lake to recover the bodies.
Personality and Abilities
Ignacio hid beneath a deep-set hood and a cloth mask. All anyone ever saw were his glowing red eyes, which made Acolytes faint in the stands and wake fanning themselves. He spoke in a deep, brooding voice and took his dark persona very seriously, though it kept slipping. He wore contact lenses, did Pilates, and mentioned that his dad called him “Pain.” Even bloodied, he stayed “incredibly photogenic,” and his fans posted story after story about him. He thanked them warmly mid-fight.
In combat he raged and fought with javelins, a lance and a crossbow. He favoured oddly specific targets: a left pinky toe, a right thigh, an earlobe. He was hard to faze and quick to improvise, washing the blood off his face in the lake and rising “almost in a beautiful mermaid form.” Beneath the gloom he was a romantic. He briefly wanted to be K-Boom’s dad, which the Grandmaster took as a sign he was looking for a replacement for Mort.
Relationships
- K-Boom: His opponent, sparring partner in banter, brief ally and, by the end, his declared true love. Ignacio renamed him “K-Boom Marchand” as he died.
- Mort: His winged monkey and “best friend,” whom he sacrificed to the Box of Chaos without much hesitation, while promising “This won’t be the last I see of Mort.”
- Gerald: Took Mort as tribute and gave Ignacio the Wheel of Stars.
- Doug: Became Mort’s best friend in the arena and kept him company in the stands.
- The Grandmaster: Gave him an extra chance when he begged for one, scolded him for forgetting her gift, and comforted Mort after Ignacio’s death.
Memorable Quotes
- “He knows the deal. He signed on for the trip.” (S3E4, Crypto Monkeys)
- “You are lucky I forgot my left contact.” (S3E4, Crypto Monkeys)
- “I do Pilates.” (S3E4, Crypto Monkeys)
- “Thank you so much for the daggers. If they stay in me, I shall use them.” (S3E4, Crypto Monkeys)
- “I love you, and I always have, even though you killed me.” (S3E4, Crypto Monkeys)
- “From now on, K-Boom, your name is K-Boom Marchand.” (S3E4, Crypto Monkeys)