First appearance: S5E1 — Rise of the Lord of Fate — Atlas v Killy Yesman · watch it on YouTube
Killy Yesman is a Double Sun Cola salesman with enormous undulating pecs, legs like twigs, and what he proudly calls “the world’s most punchable face.” He was pulled into The Void off his own billboard, ready to die for a soft drink. He won the opening Deathmatch of Season 5 when his robot opponent tore out his own brain. He came back as the soda-soaked heart of the rescue squad that became Team 3D, and he discovered, briefly, that something in life mattered more to him than cola.
Story
S5E1 — Rise of the Lord of Fate — Atlas v Killy Yesman
Killy’s first Deathmatch took place during the Season of Fate, the reign of the Lord of Fate, a stretch of time only the Arbiter himself lived through. The newly created Thea needed champions in a hurry. She remembered a man on a billboard and reasoned that “if you can have a big billboard, you can probably do a really big kind of attack.” She dragged Killy forward by the hand, and he made his pitch, pecs thumping “like two balloons”: he was there to prove he was “just as unbeatable as the delicious, thirst-quenching taste of Double Sun Cola.” He added that he considered his life worthless, so he was happy to die selling soda. The fight was staged on the front lawn of The Dread Fortress against Atlas, a hulking robot with floating fists.
Atlas opened by smashing a skull-decorated lawnmower into Killy’s face, twice, and then landed a perfect punch to the jaw. Killy didn’t flinch. His chin simply pushed the fist back, he sipped soda through the straws in his hat, and his wounds began to close. “You’re gonna have to try At-more,” he said. He fought back with elbows, then with a shaken bottle that exploded in Atlas’s hands and set them sparking and twitching. Atlas spun him into a garden shed, where Killy ended up with a pitchfork through his shoulder, and Killy sealed the wound by pouring cola on it. When Atlas shook the cans on his hat until they burst, Killy came round with spinning eyes to ask the soaked Acolytes how they’d liked their free sample. He interrupted the fight for sponsor breaks: a giant Double Sun logo appeared in the sky, he urged children to steal their parents’ wallets, and he painted logos onto Atlas’s chest and head.
When The Box of Chaos arrived, it held a freshly made soul: the Lord of Fate’s own shadow. Killy reached inside and wished for Atlas to have a mouth. He paid with his hat, which let loose a cascade of oddly pretty blonde hair and revealed a shiny bald spot. The shadow put the hat on, started sucking up the cola, and handed back smelling salts instead, because it was “all out of mouths.” Atlas hugged Killy and told him being bald wasn’t so bad. Killy admitted, “They told me if I drank it, it would grow back.” When Atlas went for a suplex aimed at that bald spot, Killy rolled a perfect defense and laughed it off: “You thought I actually care that I’m bald? Have you seen my face?”
In the end Killy pried Atlas’s port open into a crude mouth and poured in a bottle. Atlas sealed it shut rather than disappoint Thea. Then, trying to rip the logo off his own head, Atlas pulled so hard that his cybernetic brain came loose and his body collapsed. A canister at Atlas’s core spilled golden liquid: he had been running on Double Sun Cola all along. Killy cried “What have I done?”, then lifted the broken core and drank it to the last drop, swearing that together they would “sell more soda than we ever could apart.” The Lord of Fate declared him the victor. Afterward, in the locker room, Atlas was rebuilt by a horde of goblins while Killy looked on.
S6 Ep4 — Tip to Tip - Part 1 (TTRPG One Shot)
In the Season of the Trials, Thea went missing on Deathmatch Day. Her tracker placed her in The Midnight Mausoleum, far off in The Shadowlands, and the Arbiter portalled in an “elite” squad: Killy, Richard S. Skelman and Richard Knottley. The Grandmaster had never met Killy. He skipped the handshake and gave her a frosted rocket-shaped bottle of Icy Double Sun Cola, which she popped and which erupted all over her. The squad was dubbed “Team B” until they earned a name. Knottley christened Killy “Phallic Soda Cola Fella.”
In the graveyard, Killy freed himself from grasping zombie hands by spraying them with cola, then twirled two more bottles like a cowboy’s pistols and sprayed again. Skelman’s zombified ex, Josephine, came at the group. Killy guessed that cola might remind her of love, just as it reminded him of childhood, so he pulled a special red bottle from his shorts and sprayed her with it. A glowing heart formed in her chest and beat once. She told Skelman “I’ll forever hate you, Skelben” and crumbled. At a weeping angel statue, Killy tried a pickup line (“Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?”) that got the statue sniffling. In the trapped corridor below, he drenched himself in cola and sprinted face-first into the dark. Then the torches lit, the cola turned out to be flammable, and he ran the rest of the way on fire, shouting “Why did I pick the flammable one?” A ghost sucker-punched him at the finish.
They found Thea playing hide-and-seek with Skelman’s grandfather, a lich who had turned the family plot into a dungeon for his retirement. When the lich swung a glowing necrotic fist, Killy took it on the chin, and it found no purchase. Then Killy jammed his hat onto the lich’s head and blinded him for good (“You’re only supposed to drink the soda. Never get it to your eyes.”). He tore off a rib as a souvenir for Skelman. When Knottley asked for the biggest bottle he had, Killy beamed that nobody had ever asked him that before and hauled out a bottle the size of four magnums, “like a small rocket,” which Knottley turned into a beam of electrified cola. Skelman then built the Bonetron, a giant bone amalgamation with Killy at its center powering it with sodas, and one last shared bottle blasted the lich away.
The victors received matching t-shirts. Killy named the squad Team 3D, and Knottley voted for him as leader, even though he admitted his real talent was “just saying yes and just following a stronger voice.” He confessed, “this is the first time in my life where I feel like something’s more important to me than double sun cola.” Then Thea’s tail lit up like a phone, with the call coming in through her butt. It was Double Sun Cola HQ, disapproving that he had been giving away free soda instead of selling it, and they signed him up for a two-month retraining seminar on the spot. Killy said goodbye “for now, but not forever,” promising to return with better sodas. Skelman vowed the two dicks would come and get him out, and Thea hugged his thin calf: “I’ll miss you and your skinny legs.”
Personality and Abilities
Killy is built like a rumour: vast, undulating balloon pecs that move faster and wider than chest muscles ever should, sitting on surprisingly thin legs. He has long, majestic blonde hair with a shiny bald spot, and a face so punchable that growing up with it gave him an immovable chin. He wears the Double Sun Cola logo on his chest and shirt, and his hat holds two bottles or cans with straws for constant sipping. In the Mausoleum he was said to be wearing sunglasses. He is relentlessly upbeat, calls everyone “bro” and “bud,” and turns every moment into a sales pitch. His most wholesome trait is also a professional failing: he keeps giving the product away.
He fights entirely with cola. Sipping it heals him, and poured on a wound it works as a sealant. Shaken bottles explode, a bright red bottle is corrosive, and the stuff is sticky, conductive, flammable and bad for bones. He produces ever-bigger bottles from the back of his shorts: regular, a deluxe two-handed version, the special red bottle, the magnum, and the four-magnum “small rocket.” He can expand his butt into a cushion too hard to hurt, take a blow on the chin without budging, and call in sponsor breaks that paint Double Sun logos across the sky and onto his opponents. He also gave Atlas the mouth the robot had always lamented not having, even though Atlas crammed it shut rather than disappoint Thea.
Relationships
- Atlas: His first opponent. Killy called him “a true champion,” tried to give him a mouth, and drank his cola-filled core, swearing they would sell soda together.
- Thea: Found him on his billboard and declared him “my new favorite.” Later she missed his skinny legs.
- Richard S. Skelman: A fellow member of Team 3D. Killy tore a rib off Skelman’s lich grandfather as a souvenir for him and powered the Bonetron.
- Richard Knottley: A fellow member of Team 3D. He voted Killy leader and counted him as the third dick of the party.
- The Arbiter: As the Lord of Fate, he declared Killy victor in Season 5. Later he summoned Killy for the Mausoleum rescue.
- Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer: Met him for the first time when he handed her a bottle that exploded all over her. She liked him for bringing his own drink.
Memorable Quotes
- “I consider my life to be worthless, so I am ready to fight to the death to sell this soda.” (Rise of the Lord of Fate)
- “There are some advantages to having grown up with the world’s most punchable face.” (Rise of the Lord of Fate)
- “Now Atlas, it’s inside of me too. And together, together, we will sell more soda than we ever could apart. This I swear to you.” (Rise of the Lord of Fate)
- “It’s like having two suns in your mouth.” (Tip to Tip - Part 1)
- “Why did I pick the flammable one?” (Tip to Tip - Part 1)
- “This is the first time in my life where I feel like something’s more important to me than double sun cola.” (Tip to Tip - Part 1)