First appearance: S7E8 — Private Bathrooms — Livid Lady Lin v Gandor Thalion Umbrae · watch it on YouTube
Livid Lady Lin is a short, gruff, enormously muscled wizard who reads spellbooks “for hurting” and fights mostly on vibes. She was pulled into the Void to settle a long-running rivalry with the pompous Gandor Thalion Umbrae over the lease on a wizard’s tower. She won one of the strangest wizard duels the arena has ever hosted, using baked beans, a phone call to Gandor’s mother and a lightning bolt that bounced back onto her rival. Then she lost everything to the Arbiter moments later.
Story
Private Bathrooms
Lin’s Deathmatch began, unusually, in the Grandmaster’s private bathroom, where the Grandmaster was pooping and out of toilet paper, in S7E8 — Private Bathrooms — Livid Lady Lin v Gandor Thalion Umbrae. She arrived through the Arbiter’s portal flexing her spellbook like a dumbbell and sparked a match-flame on her thumb to air the place out. She and Gandor made it clear at once that they knew each other “too, too well.” The two of them were the final candidates for a 100-floor wizard’s tower, and Lin wanted it badly, along with every adventurer who would ever wander in and all their gold. When the Grandmaster flushed and stepped out of the stall, her greeting for Lin’s thumb flame was a pointed “There’s no smoking in the bathroom.”
On a snowy mountain peak in front of millions of Acolytes, Gandor struck first and trapped her gaze inside a floating orb so she couldn’t see him. Lin answered with what she called biological warfare. Popeye-style, she squeezed a can of baked beans down her throat and let rip a horrific bean-fueled fart wind she named “Baked Beans,” concentrating “on farting very, very loudly.” It blew Gandor back and burned his nostrils, and the expelled wind was said to have solidified into a “60 foot long shit brick.” Gandor drew her blood with a spell of his own and was alarmed at how thick it was. She hinted that it was her period blood (“once a month…”), thanked him for helping her “pass through things very quickly” and asked, “Can I sign up next?” The Arbiter declared that Gandor moonlights as a gynecologist. Then she wrapped herself in an illusion of a frail, tiny lady and squeaked, “You wouldn’t hit a woman, would you?” An avalanche of union chinchillas trampled both wizards and then left for lunch. One of them gave Lin the middle finger on its way out, after she wondered aloud about chinchilla tacos.
Gandor tired of her mouth and sealed it shut with a spell, leaving her lips “smooth like a Ken doll.” Lin wrote “fuck you” in the snow, and when he swung his staff and missed she caught it, drew a dagger and cut her own mouth back open, leaving herself permanently lipless like the Mouth of Sauron. Her first words afterwards came through a spit of blood: “Gandor, we need to talk.” His attempt to fill her head with crushing doubt slid straight off, partly because the Acolytes gave her five blue slushies in support and partly, as the table put it, because “there’s just nothing going on up there.”
Lin then mimed a phone call to Gandor’s mother and summoned her. The old woman stepped out of a portal in a pink bathrobe and curlers, cigarette in her lips, and flung a bunny-eared slipper that walloped her son. Gandor answered by turning into a portly, tiny-armed red dragon. Lin shamed him with tentacles drawn from his “Embarrassing Browsing History” while his mother asked whether he’d been looking up “that hint” again. His fire breath roasted his mother dead. Lin, fired up by a fresh surge of power, rolled a natural 20 and dodged the blast entirely.
Gandor collapsed back into a weeping man on his knees. Lin turned his robes to clinging nylon and called down a lightning bolt. He tried to counter it, and the two wizards bounced the electricity back and forth until Lin’s will won out and the bolt slammed into him. He flipped her off and exploded into glittering pipe dust. A pixie accountant somewhere far away wrote Lin’s name on the lease, and the Grandmaster handed her the papers and asked what she would do with her wondrous tower. Lin answered that she would watch Gilmore Girls. The Arbiter, who had wanted the tower for himself, killed her on the spot with a Power Word Kill. Lin took it gracefully: “Neither of us deserve the tower or to live. I completely agree.” Thea vacuumed up her remains and, out of kindness, slipped a Gilmore Girls DVD box set into the dirt bag with her. In Dried Blood, Thea took both wizards’ vacuum bags back to her closet of a room to piece them together speck by speck. She called it her “greatest puzzle.”
Personality and Abilities
Lin stands five feet tall and is “very hench” under blue and black robes. She is so buff that her spellbook looks small on her and doubles as gym equipment. She is loud, crude and cheerfully proud of not thinking too hard. She studies spells purely to hurt people, and that empty head turned out to be a defense, because despair had nowhere to take root. The Grandmaster suggested Gandor could move into the empty space in her head instead, and Lin offered the room to anyone who would pay rent.
In a fight she favors chaos over finesse. She brought bean-powered farts, tentacles of humiliation, a summoned mother and a lightning bolt called “Nylon Robes,” and she was willing to slice open her own face to keep talking. Like her rival, she gives her spells joke names, and she had more prepared that she never got to use, including “Inexplicable Leg Cramp” and “Old Twitter Posts.”
“I don’t use my book learnings for learning words. I use it for learning spells to kick your ass.”
Relationships
- Gandor Thalion Umbrae: Her long-time rival, who called her “Liv” and a “foul creature.” She beat him for the tower lease and killed him with her own lightning bolt, bounced back onto him when his counterspell failed.
- The Arbiter: Killed her moments after her victory, partly because he wanted the hundred-floor tower for himself.
- Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer: Met her in the bathroom, crowned her the winner and handed her the lease.
- Thea: Vacuumed up her dust, slipped a Gilmore Girls box set into the vacuum bag with her, and later began trying to reassemble her.
Memorable Quotes
- “I would say nice to see you again, Gandalf, but it ain’t.” (Private Bathrooms)
- “If you’re not in the tower business as a wizard, then you’re doing something wrong.” (Private Bathrooms)
- “Didn’t your mom ever tell you if you ponder too much, you’ll go blind?” (Private Bathrooms)
- “I may not be able to hurt you physically, but I can hurt you mentally.” (Private Bathrooms)
- “I’m gonna watch the Gilmore Girls.” (Private Bathrooms)
- “Neither of us deserve the tower or to live. I completely agree.” (Private Bathrooms)