First appearance: S4E12 — Racoons — Sam Cletus v Ben Zappa · watch it on YouTube
Sam Cletus was a hard-drinking wood elf from the deep woods who came to the Void to win enough prize money to cure his ailing Meemaw. In S4E12 — Racoons — Sam Cletus v Ben Zappa he fought Ben Zappa, a monk haunted by a cymbal-banging ghost monkey. Before it was over, Sam had tried to seduce aliens, weaponized a raccoon named Dolores, fused with her inside The Box of Chaos, had the fusion flipped so he grew a raccoon penis, had that penis beaten flat and wished into a raccoon vagina, and emerged as Samantha Cletus. Few champions have changed so much in a single night, and fewer have done it while this drunk.
Story
Grandma’s Boy
Sam arrived through the Grandmaster’s blood portal on a bad day for her. She had been locked in a pantry, the chinchillas had pooped everywhere, and The Shadow King had botched the taxes. Asked to introduce himself through interpretive dance, Sam declined: “I don’t know nothing about no darn interpreting, but what I do know about is drinking.” He explained that Meemaw had “done caught the sickness” and could no longer spit tobacco and smoke at the same time. He was there to fix that, because “ain’t nothing gonna kill my Meemaw, except me.” When the Shadow King suggested Meemaw try killing a doctor, Sam replied, “We don’t listen to no damn doctors, boy.”
Sam spent the introductions picking fights with everyone. He deliberately spilled whiskey on Ben’s only pair of shoes and noted that he himself “didn’t get shoes until I was 17 years old.” He criticized the housekeeping of The Dread Fortress and called the Grandmaster “Shakira.” She threw the last Hydro Flask Henrietta the Goblin had brought in off his head. It did no damage, the Grandmaster said, “probably because your head’s pretty empty anyway.” Sam also sensed the thing standing behind Ben: a giant monkey with red-ringed eyes and a grin full of sharp teeth. He named it at once: “This is called an enemy stand user.” Fed up, the Grandmaster shoved both champions through a portal into an abandoned throne room buried deep beneath the Fortress.
Aliens, Raccoons and Rabies
Before the first blow landed, a humming flying saucer lowered from the heavens to abduct both fighters. Ben resisted. Sam embraced it: “This ain’t my first fucking rodeo, boys. I’m going to try to seduce the alien.” His attempt to “clap cheeks” failed badly, because The aliens turned out to be completely flat, like sheets of paper. They pitied him anyway and sent him back smarter. Ben resisted and lost an eye.
When the Grandmaster invited The Acolytes to empty their pockets, raccoons rained from the sky, and Sam caught one. He named her Dolores, threw her at Ben’s chest, and cheered her on as she clawed at Ben’s face. Ben shrugged off the infection at first. Then Sam shouted “Aha, pocket sand!”, and his little burst of magic turned Ben’s luck: Ben came down with rabies. “Back where I’m from, rabies don’t even work,” Sam observed. His next two kicks, aimed at Ben’s blind side, both missed. It looked like he was doing Tae Bo.
Deletus
The Box of Chaos crashed onto the throne. Ben ran up the steps and fed it Dolores (“You fucking wouldn’t,” said Sam). Then Sam reached in to retrieve “my soulmate,” and the box’s shadowy arms dragged him headfirst inside. In a black tornado with yellow eyes, he and Dolores melded into one creature. He came back out with a raccoon-colored mullet, a toothy snout, talons, and a Hydro Flask now fused into his body (“Oh, I’m naturally drunk now”). The only part of him still wood elf was his penis. He was a were-coon, and he announced himself: “I am now Deletus. And I will not be questioned by any mortal man or woman on this godforsaken earth!”
Deletus charged and stumbled spectacularly. Ben sidestepped, and he fell straight back into the box, which inverted the fusion. He came out with a raccoon face, human teeth, nice human hair, and a raccoon penis. “I don’t consent to any of this!” A coin flip ruled him more attractive than before. He fought in the nude for a while because his raccoon dick kept getting caught in his karate pants, and a second coin flip ruled the dick “so much worse.” When Sam rallied by chewing a handful of blue crystals, he explained that he had first got into meth through Meemaw’s cookies. She had added a “special ingredient” to compete with the Aasimar’s white chocolate macadamia cookies. The second wind let him tackle Ben into the box with what he insisted was science: “I have created a pivot point between my leg and your ass, boy.”
Samantha
Inside the smoke-filled box the two found a battered golden lamp. Sam clubbed Ben with it (“And on the first swing, the Lord said, let there be light”). He kept it away from the giant chimp hand with a drunken sway, so the hand got a handful of raccoon dick instead. The chimp squeezed his balls, Ben flurried into his nuts like a speed bag, and then Ben’s Jolly Chimp spirit fully took him over and pounded Sam’s balls to a puree. Sam survived, with his dick two inches shorter and flat “like a dolphin’s,” and rubbed the lamp with his damaged penis. A red genie appeared, complained about the timing, and grudgingly granted one wish to fix the damage. The dick healed to Dolores’s normal size, and Dolores had no dick: Sam now had a raccoon vagina. “All right. I’m Samantha Cletus and I’m here to whoop ass and save my fucking Meemaw.”
Barely alive, Samantha drew a sawed-off shotgun, missed, and sulked in a corner of a box that had no corners. Ben offered a moment of sympathy, and Samantha opened up about Meemaw’s illness and the poverty of the deep woods. She suggested Ben simply give up. Ben declined. Spending the burst of power the Acolytes had granted her, Samantha flexed so hard that her pectorals burst out “like large balloons popping,” and the chimp’s spirit hand broke against her chest. “I’m flat chested, but they still do the fucking trick.” After some coke chased with a little meth, her flurry of strikes mostly missed. Ben tried the lamp again, but it was a knockoff that granted only one wish a day, so he threw it at her. Samantha heard Meemaw’s voice telling her to dodge, and she kicked the lamp back into Ben. Ben then pointed out that the genie could have cured Meemaw’s cancer. “The moment has passed,” said the Grandmaster.
The Jolly Chimp brought its one good hand down. Samantha’s last words were a promise:
“I ain’t gonna be able to save Meemaw, but that’s okay. Wherever I’m going, I’m sure there’s liquor and people not paying enough attention to the rules. I’m gonna come back from this life or to the next, Ben. Don’t ever sleep again with your eyes closed. You got this monkey off your back, but you got a Samantha Cletus for life.”
With a squishing sound like a bug, Samantha Cletus was no more. The Shadow King’s verdict: “It was something. A lot of fluidity there.”
Personality and Abilities
Sam was a 217-year-old wood elf, one of Meemaw’s 27 kids, raised on crow-shooting, drinking and fighting “like the rest of the wood elves.” He was named after his father (Sam) and his great-grandpappy (Cletus), which the Grandmaster noted “just sounds like two first names.” His family sometimes called him Cooter when he’d been bad. He hadn’t paid taxes in 17 years, wrote Space Jam fan fiction, and spoke in a thicket of double negatives that left the Grandmaster reeling. He insisted he was “positive as hell most of the time.” He drank every day, from a Starbucks Hydro Flask he acquired “an assault charge later,” after a lady mocked his clay pots. He maintained that the flask was made of magic.
At the table, his player described Sam as a self-described bad drunken monk: a bar brawler and redneck pulled into the big leagues unprepared. His fighting style ran on luck and sway. He batted thrown objects away with his bottle, sometimes “100% on accident.” He flung pocket sand to sour an enemy’s luck, fought dirty with eye gouges and a quivering palm to the left buttock, and pulled out a sawed-off shotgun that “don’t work.” Under all the swagger he was fiercely devoted to Meemaw, whose illness was the whole reason he fought.
Relationships
- Ben Zappa: His opponent. They swapped insults and a lamp, Sam gave him rabies, and they shared one sympathetic moment inside the box. Samantha swore to haunt him “for life.”
- Meemaw (“Mrs. Meemaw”): His beloved grandmother and the reason he fought. “Meemaw’s a fucking saint… She’s got cancer. I’m here to solve that.”
- Dolores: The raccoon he caught from the sky, called his soulmate, and fused with. “We are all Dolores.”
- Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer: Called her “Shakira” and “baby.” She threw Hydro Flasks at him and told him to stop harassing her staff.
- The Shadow King: The King sided with Sam about the Fortress’s dirty floors, and Sam later told the Grandmaster not to talk back to the king.
- The aliens: They found his seduction attempt pitiable and made him smarter for it.
- Henrietta the Goblin: He called her “the most attractive goblin I’ve ever seen,” and she hid behind the goblin chair.
Memorable Quotes
- “I’m gonna beat your ass for grandma.” (S4E12)
- “You drink enough whiskey, you can go back to the past anytime you want, bud.” (S4E12)
- “My grandma ain’t raised no bitch.” (S4E12)
- “Every time someone’s ever called me a pussy, I’ve been like, why? They’re so durable.” (S4E12)
- “I’m gonna flex so fucking hard that when he punches me it breaks his hand instead.” (S4E12)
- “Mama told me this world was made for weed, but I wasn’t. I was made for meth.” (S4E12)