First appearance: S7E9 — Necro-Nightmare — Squiggles v Ray S’urdead · watch it on YouTube
Squiggles is a gnome paladin who works as a caretaker at a resort pool. He was pulled into the Void mid-float, still wearing his pool floaties. He faced the elegant necromancer Ray S’urdead in a moonlit graveyard. The Grandmaster took one look at him and decided they had brought an imbecile to the fight. He shrugged off almost every spell thrown at him, healed himself far past any sensible limit, stole from Gerald, and walked away the winner. His opponent left nothing behind but half a locket.
Story
Squiggles arrived in S7E9 — Necro-Nightmare — Squiggles v Ray S’urdead through a portal opened by the Arbiter. He was dripping wet and had no idea why he was there (“I was floating. Why am I here?”). He insisted his mom really had named him Squiggles. He admitted that his mustache was drawn on. He had never received a welcome packet because Thea had eaten it, so she squatted and pooped out the old contract. When Squiggles needed something to sign with, the Arbiter shook Thea until a pin fell out of her butt. Squiggles signed the contract without reading it. When he borrowed Ray’s quill, he grabbed the necromancer’s hand with both of his wet ones, and Ray wiped his hands on his jacket as if they were covered in some bodily fluid. Taken with Ray’s audiobook voice, the Grandmaster flushed red and declared, “Squiggles, I’m choosing you,” while staring at the ground.
In the graveyard arena, Squiggles opened with a light hammer he keeps on hand in case of krakens. He has died about four times, eaten by krakens at the pool, and “somehow” keeps coming back. His first swing landed like a child’s toy, and Ray simply caught it. His second was a spiralling leap “like a Super Mario spiral through the air,” and it left a scuff on Ray’s cheek. The Acolytes broke into a chant of “Squiggles, Squiggles,” women ripped off their tops and slushies flew. He was stunned: “People like me.” From there he kept slipping out of trouble. He shook off Ray’s illusion of every bone in his body shattering. He ducked a bone-bullet finger shot by stopping to tie his shoelace. He also escaped a song-butchering zombie Oogie Boogie Man in a mausoleum. Then he drew a longsword and struck Ray with a holy smite. When Ray shrank his hammer out of his hands, Squiggles answered with defiance: “You’ve taken my habit from me, but you won’t take my dignity.”
Squiggles kept healing himself, to the Grandmaster’s loud disgust (“Squiggles has a boo-boo, everyone”). His first heal was for the two points of damage he took when the Acolytes peed their pants and the whole arena came to smell of piss. He even ripped open the sky over the arena to bring in the sun, which singed the zombie’s sack. The Arbiter dropped the Box of Chaos to give Ray a chance, and it handed Ray a fireball that later hit Squiggles for 80 fire damage. Ray also read the gnome’s mind. He found a void that was detecting him back, and then came the thought “Oh, look, a penny!” Unsettled, Ray warned the hosts that “there is something inside that tiny creature.” The Arbiter checked for himself and agreed that “that guy’s fucked up,” though the Grandmaster said it just looked like he was trying to poop. Squiggles then did something the Arbiter didn’t think anyone had ever done before. He flipped the box over, found Gerald lounging in a hammock, and climbed halfway inside to rummage around. He came out with an expired can of Spam and a ring of spell turning, which fit him like a bracelet. He then healed himself again, took a battle stance, and announced, “I am defeating death.”
In the final moments, the Grandmaster begged Ray to “destroy Squiggles,” and Squiggles protested that he could hear her. Ray called up 58 vengeful spirits from the graves. Squiggles rolled a perfect natural 20, and the ring sent the entire swarm back at its caster. He tried, kindly, to help the spirits find peace as they bounced off him. Then they tore into Ray until only half a jack-o’-lantern locket remained. The Grandmaster buried it, told Squiggles she had “never wavered” in her trust in him, and named him champion for the evening. She promised that his wish would be waiting for him later in a package in the green screen room. He had asked for the missing right foot of his 1999 McDonald’s Inspector Gadget Happy Meal toy collection. She then hauled him into the sky by the hand with a death grip, his floaties barely hanging on: “If he can do it, so can you.”
Personality and Abilities
Squiggles is cheerful, guileless and constantly underestimated. He describes himself as “pretty tall for my height.” He wears mismatched socks and shoes in the pool (“You never know when you’re gonna need your shoes on for this job”), and his eyes are a muddy brown that the Grandmaster called “diarrhea eyes.” By the end of the fight he was wearing two pairs of kids’ Kmart sunglasses. He never reads terms and conditions and has no lawyer. He can’t read well without his spectacles. He has been through multiple therapists, and at his last job a monkey ridiculed him. He also hates missing Antiques Roadshow. His dim cheer may not be the whole story: Ray glimpsed “something dead behind those eyes,” and the Arbiter confirmed it.
As a fighter, Squiggles carries a light hammer and a longsword and calls on holy smites and healing magic. He can also summon daylight strong enough to drag the sun into an arena. He seems to shrug off almost any spell aimed at him, and the stolen ring of spell turning only made that worse for his enemies. At the table, his player said Squiggles first appeared years ago in a one-shot run by Brandon the DM. In that story he swam out in full plate to fight a kraken attacking a resort, was told he’d sink, and somehow kept being lifted out of the water. After his victory he gave a heartfelt monologue on a question that has haunted him all his life: “What is the function of a rubber duck?”
Relationships
- Ray S’urdead: The necromancer who refused to touch him, called him a “small mermaid,” and was destroyed by his own spirit swarm.
- Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer: Chose him, mocked him, begged his opponent to destroy him, then crowned him champion and claimed she had always been rooting for him.
- The Arbiter: Summoned him, offered to source his Inspector Gadget toy foot (“I know a guy”), and confirmed that something is off inside him.
- The Box of Chaos: Squiggles robbed it, and the Arbiter remarked that he didn’t think anyone had ever stolen from the box before.
- The Acolytes: Chanted his name in a frenzy, which amazed him (“People like me”).
Memorable Quotes
- “My mom named me Squiggles.” (S7E9)
- “Excuse me, I’m actually pretty tall for my height. I’m a gnome.” (S7E9)
- “Mermaid? Oh my gosh, that’s an upgrade. Most people just call me, like, stupid.” (S7E9)
- “Oh, look, a penny!” (S7E9)
- “I am defeating death.” (S7E9)
- “Pretty Boy’s fucked!” (S7E9)