S1E3 — Blood Mage — Sunozar v the Shadow of the Arbiter

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Blood Mage is the Deathmatch where the Arbiter turned up with only one of the two champions he needed, and the Grandmaster made him pay for it. He had to rip a ghostly echo of himself out of his own chest and send it into the arena. The Shadow of the Arbiter spent his first day of existence fighting Sunozar, a seven-foot-tall half-orc blood hunter with a flaming sword and a pink mohawk. Along the way he had a birthday, plotted treason, and delivered his first insult.

The Story

Coloring Hour, Interrupted

The episode opened in the Grandmaster’s underground cathedral throne room, where water dripped down the stone into moss and grass. The Grandmaster sat on her throne with an adult coloring book. Her page showed flowers and a hummingbird eating a tiger. “It’s very vicious,” she noted. “Blood everywhere.”

A portal opened and the Arbiter stepped through, kneeling and apologizing for interrupting her designated three o’clock coloring hour. When she asked what could be more exciting than coloring in the lines, the answer was a Deathmatch, and she threw the coloring book behind her throne. He had brought only one champion. The other, he explained, had seemed a fine prospect: “He told me he was a boxer. Turned out that he only owned boxers, like the dogs.” The Grandmaster suggested his tongue should be snipped for that. Then she gave her ruling.

The Arbiter would fight himself, but not at full strength. She had “allowed you to expand your powers while you’re here,” and she wanted to see whether even a sliver of him could stand in the arena. He protested that the champion “couldn’t even handle my shadow.” She answered:

“You almost brought a boxer to this fight. And so you will be the one boxing. Take off your gloves and summon your shadow.”

So the Arbiter took off his rings and his over-cloak, reached into his own chest and ripped out his own shadow. It was white and ethereal, like a ghost version of himself.

Introductions

Sunozar, played by Nelstar15, laughed at the whole business. He threw his greatsword in the air, backflipped and bowed. “Hello, New York. What? Wait, New York was last night? My bad.” He introduced himself in his own way: “I once chopped a man’s head off for stepping on my toe. I once cut a man’s toe off for touching my head. It doesn’t matter.” He hoped everyone was fine with him killing this guy. The Grandmaster said it would bring such happiness to her life.

The Shadow, played by Mudcat, declared himself “but a piece of the Arbiter, but I am more than enough to punch out his lights permanently,” and promised Sunozar, “I’m going to touch more than your head.” The Arbiter quickly noted that they were separated now, so he was not responsible for anything the Shadow did or said.

The Grandmaster named Sunozar her chosen one for the battle. His reply, “Cool. I’m not sure what that means, but cool,” crushed her slightly, so she tried to meet him on his level: “It’s lit, yo.” The Arbiter then offered to help Sunozar out of his heavy armor, and the Grandmaster ruled that there would be no undressing right now. Next the Arbiter offered to “even the odds.” He planted a foot in the middle of the Shadow’s back and tore its wings off, and they evaporated into wispy vapor. “You dick,” said the Shadow. The Grandmaster called it an insane amount of cruelty to begin with, but she wasn’t going to say no.

The Disregarded Cliffs

The arena was The Disregarded Cliffs, a mountaintop holding the ruins of a decayed fortress. It had overgrown walls, golden crystals jutting from the ground, and a strange humming blue portal on its eastern side. “You may not have traveled to the Disregarded Cliffs before,” the Arbiter said, “but you will call it home soon enough.”

Sunozar greeted the Acolytes: “Hi, new here… I’m going to kill this guy, so I hope you have fun.” The Shadow tried to flare the wings he no longer had and demanded their worship. Watching him, the Arbiter admitted, “I gave him kind of like the worst stuff,” and said he would take it up with the union. Sunozar landed right in front of the blue portal and the Shadow in the far corner.

Swords, Curses and a Birthday

Sunozar gave the Shadow a double middle finger and then stumbled so badly out of the gate that the Arbiter narrated him dropping dead of a heart attack. The Grandmaster offered him a second chance at a cost. He turned it down: “I’m just out here to kill some people.” Then he leaned in and whispered to the dragon skull on his sword’s hilt, asking it to really cut people this time. “The shadow is doing a little weird whisper stuff,” the Arbiter observed, “but this guy’s talking to a sword.”

The Shadow opened with a shifting ball of rock, lightning, fire and water that burst harmlessly at Sunozar’s feet. That was a poor choice of target given the toe story, and Sunozar said so. “I heard,” the Shadow replied, “I just don’t care.” He wrapped himself in a further shroud of darkness. In answer, Sunozar sliced his own bicep with the greatsword, and the blade burst into flame. “I heard people like metal here, so if you want metal, you get metal!”

Then the Grandmaster decided things needed festivity. A rainbow piñata dropped from the sky and hovered between them, with pointy ears and big anime eyes glued on. The Shadow claimed it at once: “For all of my life, for thousands of years, I’ve had to share a birthday with this asshole. This one is mine.” He fired a ray of frost and missed. He bent time backwards, so that the dust in the air drifted in reverse, and tried again. He missed again. “You have moved time and space and have still missed,” the Grandmaster said. “Look at this pure loser.” When the Shadow confessed it was his first birthday ever, she checked whether she felt bad for him. She did not: “It’s your first birthday and it shows!” He threw a tantrum and shoved Sunozar telekinetically toward the cliff edge. “You’re not my real dad.”

Sunozar asked the sword if it was ready, and a low growl came from the skull. Now everyone knew something lived inside it. He brought the burning blade down on the piñata, and it exploded into a ball of flame. That incinerated most of the candy. Only five bars survived: the good stuff, “Snickers-like, but legally distinct,” as the Arbiter put it. “I fucking hate kids,” said Sunozar. Each candy, the Grandmaster ruled, would heal him a little, because candy heals the soul.

Sunozar cursed the Shadow so that his body swelled painfully with every attack. “You hit, I happy,” said the Grandmaster. “That’s the equation.” She began to muse about keeping Sunozar all week like a goldfish, sprinkling flakes. When he asked whether the flakes could be steaks, she told the Arbiter to write it down.

The Plot Against the Crown

The Shadow simply shook the curse off. “It’s hard to curse what doesn’t have blood.” He then pinned Sunozar against a pillar so he could run straight past him. “You little coward,” said the Grandmaster. “It’s very clear that you don’t have a backbone.” “I don’t have a lot of things.” Sunozar caught up, landed a heavy flaming blow and seared an arcane brand onto the Shadow, so he would always know where it was. Then he cursed it again, with a bow: “Use your action again, bitch.” The Grandmaster keeled over laughing. The Arbiter insisted he had given the Shadow the worst parts, and when asked about a soft spot, he said: “If he falls on the field, I will finish him myself. You won’t have a chance.”

Then the Shadow’s eyes glowed red. “Listen, I could kill you easily with the snap of my fingers, but I think it might be more fun if you and I killed the Grandmaster instead.” Sunozar fell under the spell. The Grandmaster’s jaw dropped, and she demanded an explanation. The Arbiter offered one: the Shadow was the worst parts of him, the voice that tells you to eat the third cheeseburger. “So are you telling me that I am that third cheeseburger?” It was, he admitted, not a perfect analogy. “Your shadow,” she concluded, “is trying to come for my crown.”

The bewitched Sunozar reasoned that the Shadow was standing in his way, so he would kill it first to get to her. He invited her to come down. She said her wings were too tired, but promised to come down to him if he won. He swung hard, and one swing came up between the Shadow’s legs. “Hurry, dear Shadow, your nether regions are in danger.” The Shadow turned back time once more and escaped. “It seems his diamonds are well protected,” said the Grandmaster. Sunozar downed a mutagen that made him quicker and started riverdancing, earning the title “the Lord of the Riverdance.”

Then a misunderstanding surfaced. The Grandmaster had heard Sunozar’s brand as a “spell of castration,” and she urged the Arbiter to check that he had not accidentally been castrated himself, since what happened to his shadow might be happening to him. It was the Brand of Castigation, Sunozar clarified. Though as a bull rancher who really had killed a man over a stepped-on toe, “he may have removed some things as well.”

The Shadow of a Shadow

Back from a break, during which everyone had “emptied our bodily fluids,” the Shadow delivered his first insult ever: “You are but a shadow of an orc.” Sunozar conceded that as a half-orc, technically, yes. “This is my first time insulting anyone on my own,” the Shadow said proudly. The Grandmaster promised dictionaries for everyone.

Bloodied, the Shadow blinked away and tore a creature out of himself, the same way the Arbiter had torn him out: the shadow of a shadow. It was a winged shadow demon that looked like Ryuk from Death Note, and it carried a great shadowy sword. Sunozar asked if he was compensating for something. A quick contest settled it: Sunozar’s sword was bigger. The spawn answered by slashing him three times with freezing shadow, including one perfect strike, and left him bloodied. “I hate it here.” The Shadow stepped through the blue portal and reappeared far behind him. Because the Shadow was now focused on keeping the spawn alive, his hold on Sunozar’s mind broke. Sunozar was back to killing the Shadow purely by his own choice.

A Walk with Teddy

“I don’t like when she laughs like that,” said the Arbiter. The ground shook. A giant rose through the fog, scooped up the whole patch of mountain and lifted it into the clouds. “Theodore, take them for a good walk. I think they need some fresh air.” The fight now stood in the palm of Theodore the Giant. “Can I call him Teddy?” asked Sunozar. He liked that a lot. “Is now a bad time to mention I’m afraid of heights?” “This is a horrible time.”

The Shadow drained life from the grass and rubble and decided he was above attacking now that his spawn was here. He spent his turn dodging. The spawn’s sword plunged down and missed when the rock shifted, which saved Sunozar’s life. Then Teddy’s walk lurched. The spawn lost its footing, the Shadow’s grip on it slipped, and the shadow demon vanished. That left the Shadow clinging to the giant’s wrist. “I really wish I had done something besides dodge this round.”

The Grandmaster noted the Shadow wasn’t doing well and needled the Arbiter for giving his favored shadow nothing. He relented with a blessing: “You, shadow, what do you want, asshole? You have my blessing.” “I think there’s a good heart in you yet, Arbiter,” she said. “Don’t get carried away.”

Then Teddy stumbled again. Sunozar was now the most nimble he had ever been, but he still slipped. “You do not mock the hand of Teddy. He alone will pass judgment upon you.” He called a coin toss for his life: “Tails never fails!” It failed. Sunozar plunged off the giant’s hand through the clouds.

As he fell, the Grandmaster asked him who she was to him. Was she more than just cool? “Cool’s not cool enough. I want to be ice cold.” Sunozar prayed: “Look at how awesome your wings are. They’re so perfect. You should show how perfect they are by coming to save me.” Moved by this eloquence, the Grandmaster dove and caught him, cradling him like a small baby. “You will remember this, the Grandmaster, who has made sure you did not die yet.” She had Teddy return the ground. Then she set Sunozar down by a bush on the Cliffs, so the greenery would contrast nicely with the blood she hoped to see. “Here at D20 Deathmatch,” said the Arbiter, “we love bush and we know it.”

The Final Blow

The Shadow was so confident that he turned back time just to give Sunozar a second chance to act first. Sunozar took it. Then the Shadow made his last mistake: “Look at you with a pink mohawk. What is that even? Who did that to you?” Sunozar replied, “Never, and I repeat, never talk about my mohawk.” The last person who mocked it, he said, got what the Grandmaster thought he’d said earlier: castrated. “We’ve come full circle,” she said. “This is a story.”

Sunozar charged and swung the sword like a baseball bat at the Shadow’s head. The Shadow threw up a magical shield, but the blow smashed straight through it. “That was a mistake. I really regret that now. My only other regret is that I never got to eat.” He went incorporeal around the stuck blade, and a shadowy tear rolled down his cheek. The Acolytes threw beers, and some guy deep-throated a hot dog, like it was the ninth inning. The Grandmaster gathered up the chaos they had given her and bottled it for the next battle: “Those who worship at my feet will never be forgotten.”

Sunozar then ate the last candy bar right in the dying Shadow’s face. “I really don’t like you,” said the Shadow. “I fucking hate you. Sitting there smacking.” The Shadow faded away. “I decapitated a shadow.”

Sunozar thanked the Flamesword (“Oh, and your wings”) and told it, “Hey, we did it again, buddy. Good job. Proud of you.” Since they existed outside all space and time, there was room for the sword’s story. His old friend, a sorcerer who fought dragons at his side, sacrificed himself when they killed the dragon whose skull now sat on the hilt. The friend’s soul lived in that skull. Cutting his arm on the blade made it blaze with fire or crackle with lightning. Sunozar tossed the sword, backflipped, bowed and caught it as the flames erupted again. You should be a statue, he was told. “That’s another story for another time, but I am.”

Asked where he had found this champion, the Arbiter said, “He was at the Ruby Tuesday I was having lunch at. Listen, there’s not a lot of people in Omaha.” The Grandmaster proposed hitting Ruby Tuesday afterward. Then she raised Sunozar’s hand: “Your victor, your winner, your champion, Sunozar!”

Dried Blood

Afterward, Sunozar’s life story filled out. He was a street urchin and an orphan who never knew his mother. He befriended an old man who turned out to be a powerful wizard, and together they saved several cities from demons, goblins and trolls. Statues of the pair stand in a couple of those cities, one in cast bronze and one in marble. When the old man died, his soul went into the sword. The fear of heights he admitted on the giant’s palm is now permanent: Sunozar is afraid of heights forever. The finishing touch of eating the candy in the Shadow’s face came from an Acolyte in chat, Mutant Noodles.

Notable Moments

• The Arbiter ripped out his own shadow, then immediately tore its wings off “to even the odds.”
• The Shadow claimed the piñata for his first-ever birthday after thousands of years of sharing one with the Arbiter, reversed time to hit it, and missed anyway.
• The Shadow bewitched Sunozar into plotting against the Grandmaster, prompting the third-cheeseburger defense.
• The castration/castigation mix-up, and the Grandmaster telling the Arbiter to check that he hadn’t been castrated.
• Sunozar fell off Theodore the Giant’s hand and was caught by the Grandmaster after praying to her wings.
• Sunozar decapitated the Shadow over a mohawk insult, then ate candy in his dying face.

Memorable Quotes

• The Arbiter: “He told me he was a boxer. Turned out that he only owned boxers, like the dogs.”
• The Shadow of the Arbiter: “For all of my life, for thousands of years, I’ve had to share a birthday with this asshole.”
• Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer: “So are you telling me that I am that third cheeseburger?”
• The Shadow of the Arbiter: “This is my first time insulting anyone on my own.”
• Sunozar: “Is now a bad time to mention I’m afraid of heights?”
• Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer: “You shall worship every feather upon my wings.”
• Sunozar: “Never, and I repeat, never talk about my mohawk.”
• The Shadow of the Arbiter: “That was a mistake. I really regret that now. My only other regret is that I never got to eat.”

Who and What Appears

Characters

Sunozar (Nelstar15). A seven-foot-tall half-orc blood hunter with a pink mohawk; never talk about the mohawk.

• Gear and powers:
  • Heavy plate armor and a crossbow.
  • A greatsword with a dragon skull at the hilt. The soul of his old friend, a powerful sorcerer/wizard, lives in the skull, which growls. He talks to it (“buddy”). Cutting his bicep with it makes it flame or crackle with lightning; he calls it “the Flamesword.”
  • Two attacks per round.
  • Blood curses (Bloated Agony, the Marked, Muddled Mind) and the Brand of Castigation.
  • Order of the Mutant mutagens (Celerity, Gelid) and Dark Augmentation.
• Personality and lore:
  • Cha −1: “a simple half-orc… I just like kill things.”
  • Claims to have chopped off a man’s head for stepping on his toe. Killed the last person who mocked his mohawk (and probably did more to him).
  • A bull rancher. Listens only to metal. Afraid of heights.
  • Orphan street urchin; doesn’t know his mother. Statues of him stand in two cities (bronze and marble).
  • Found by the Arbiter at a Ruby Tuesday “in Omaha.”
• In this episode: the GM named him her chosen champion. He fell off Theodore’s hand and was saved by the Grandmaster after praising her wings. He beat the Shadow of the Arbiter.
• Promised steaks and a dictionary by the GM.

The Shadow of the Arbiter (Mudcat). A “white, ethereal, ghost-like echo” ripped from the Arbiter’s chest. He mirrors the Arbiter’s studded leather armor.

• Wings ripped off by the Arbiter before the fight.
• Has “the worst parts” of the Arbiter: creepy, whispers, refers to himself as the Arbiter.
• Has shared the Arbiter’s birthday “for thousands of years”; this was “my first birthday.”
• Has some of the Arbiter’s time power (reverses time, rerolls).
• Spells and actions:
  • Chaos bolt, Spirit Shroud, ray of frost, telekinetic shove.
  • Remove curse ×2, suggestion, absorb elements, misty step, shield, false life.
  • Summon Shadowspawn (the “shadow of a shadow”).
• Plotted to have Sunozar kill the Grandmaster. His first insult ever was “shadow of an orc.” He never got to eat.
• Decapitated by Sunozar; he faded with a shadowy tear.

The shadowspawn / “shadow of a shadow”. A winged shadow demon resembling Ryuk (a shinigami), with a great cold-shadow sword. It hit Sunozar for 57 and vanished when the Shadow lost concentration.

The Arbiter (Mudcat).

• Forced by the GM to fight through his shadow. He removed his rings and over-cloak, ripped out his shadow, then tore its wings off.
• The GM says she has “allowed you to expand your powers while you’re here.”
• “If he falls on the field, I will finish him myself.” He later blessed the Shadow (“there’s a good heart in you yet”).
• He “exists outside of all space and time” and works hard on the deathmatches; the “union” joke.
• Says he found Sunozar at a Ruby Tuesday in Omaha. The botched second champion was the “boxer” who owned boxer dogs.

Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer (Caustic Phoenix).

• 3 p.m. coloring-book hour (a hummingbird eating a tiger).
• Calls Sunozar her chosen champion.
• Suspects the Arbiter resents her and that his shadow “is trying to come for my crown.” Claims her wings were too tired to come down.
• Saved Sunozar from his fall in exchange for worship of her wings.
• Bottles the crowd’s chaos “for the next battle.” Wants a dictionary and Ruby Tuesday after-party.

Mutant Noodles: a chat member whose idea was the candy in the face. Out-of-character.

Places

• Elusia’s underground subterranean cathedral throne room (the same throne room as S1E1/S1E2).
• The Disregarded Cliffs: a mountaintop with a decayed, overgrown fortress, golden crystals and a blue portal on the east side that teleports you (1d4 for where you land). “You will call it home soon enough.”
• The clouds above the Cliffs, in Theodore’s palm.
• Sunozar’s backstory cities, with his statues (unnamed).
• Ruby Tuesday, Omaha (a real-world joke).

Items

• The dragon-skull Flamesword (sorcerer’s soul inside).
• The Arbiter’s rings and over-cloak, removed to make the Shadow.
• The GM’s piñata (AC 15, anime eyes) and legally distinct Snickers-like candy bars (2 HP each, five survived).
• Mutagens: Celerity and Gelid.
• The GM’s adult coloring book.
• The bottled crowd chaos, kept “for the next battle.”

Lore statements

• The Arbiter can rip out his own shadow as a separate being. It is ghost-white, has his wings, has some time power, and “the worst parts of” him.
• The Arbiter’s birthday is shared with his shadow “for thousands of years.” Mudcat confirms the Arbiter is much older than Elusia.
• The GM limits the Arbiter’s power in the arena (“allowed you to expand your powers while you’re here”).
• The GM can summon giants (Theodore) and bottle crowd chaos.
• The Arbiter and the GM “exist outside of all space and time.”

Full Round-by-Round

Every beat of the episode, with timestamps (click to expand)

Opening — the throne room

1. 0:00:20 In her underground subterranean cathedral throne room, with water dripping down the stone into moss and grass, Elusia sits on her throne coloring an adult coloring book. It shows flowers and “a hummingbird eating a tiger”: Mudcat said tiger eating hummingbird, and Caustic Phoenix corrected him. “It’s very vicious. Blood everywhere.”
2. 0:01:15 A portal opens and the Arbiter steps through with only one champion. He kneels, and apologizes for interrupting her designated coloring-book hour, 3 p.m. The GM asks what could be more exciting than coloring in the lines. “A deathmatch?” She throws the coloring book behind her throne.
3. 0:03:30 — The missing champion. The Arbiter had found “a really good champion” who said he was a boxer. It turned out he only owned boxers, the dogs. “Where do you find someone willing to fight to the death at this hour?” The GM: “Your tongue should likely be snipped for that.”
4. 0:05:05 — The GM’s ruling: the Arbiter fights. He may not fight at full force; she has “allowed you to expand your powers while you’re here.” Instead he must split off an echo of himself: “Let’s see if even just a sliver of you could stand in this arena.” He protests that the champion “couldn’t even handle my shadow.” She replies: “You almost brought a boxer to this fight. And so you will be the one boxing. Take off your gloves and summon your shadow.”
5. 0:06:22 — The Shadow is born. The Arbiter takes off his rings and his over-cloak, reaches into his own chest and rips out his own shadow. It is described as “a white, ethereal, almost like a ghost version of himself. An echo of himself.”
6. 0:07:43 — Sunozar’s entrance. He laughs at the Arbiter, throws his greatsword in the air, does a backflip and bows. “Hello, New York. What? Wait, New York was last night? My bad.” He introduces himself as “Sunozar, the half-orc blood hunter… I once chopped a man’s head off for stepping on my toe. I once cut a man’s toe off for touching my head. It doesn’t matter.” He adds: “I’m gonna kill this guy. I hope you’re okay with it.” The GM: “It would bring such happiness to my life.”
7. 0:08:52 — The Shadow calls himself “but a piece of the Arbiter, but I am more than enough to punch out his lights permanently.” To Sunozar: “I’m going to touch more than your head.” The Arbiter: “We’re separated right now, so I’m not responsible for anything that he does or says.”
8. 0:09:50 — The chosen champion. The GM names Sunozar “my chosen one for this battle”. He replies, “Cool. I’m not sure what that means, but cool.” She is slightly crushed and tries the slang: “It’s lit, yo.” She puts the weight on his shoulders to make sure the Shadow’s “head and toes are gone.” Sunozar points out that he’s wearing really heavy armor; the GM calls it a workout. The Arbiter offers to relieve him of the armor (“No, I’m good, homie”), and the GM rules: “There will be no undressing right now.”
9. 0:11:19 — The wings. The Shadow mirrors the Arbiter: studded leather armor and not much else. The Arbiter says, “allow me to even the odds.” He puts his foot in the middle of the Shadow’s back and rips its wings off. They evaporate in wispy vapor. The Shadow: “You dick.” The GM: “An insane amount of cruelty to begin, but I’m not going to say no.” Ruling: “No wings for the champions.”
10. 0:12:40 — The arena: the Disregarded Cliffs. A mountaintop with a decayed fortress: ruined, overgrown walls, golden crystals shooting out of the ground, and a strange blue portal on the eastern side. The Arbiter: “You may not have traveled to the Disregarded Cliffs before, but you will call it home soon enough.” The GM warns of loose rubble that could serve as improvised weapons, and of the “blue hum… perhaps there’s a surprise waiting for you.”
11. 0:15:12 — Playing to the crowd. Sunozar: “Hi, new here… I’m going to kill this guy, so I hope you have fun.” The Shadow tries to flare his missing wings: “It is I, your Arbiter. You will worship me as a champion on this field.” The Arbiter tells the GM: “I gave him kind of like the worst stuff… I’m definitely going to take it up with the union.”
12. 0:16:31 — Placement. Each rolls a d4. The Shadow starts in the top-left corner; Sunozar starts in front of the blue portal. The GM flies to her hidden pedestal near the top of the stands (“perhaps these ashes here will be where you’re buried”). The Shadow tells the crowd, “I want a dirty fight,” and the Arbiter “bamfs” himself into the stands.

Round 1

13. 0:18:58 Sunozar gives the Shadow a double middle finger and then rolls a nat 1 on initiative. The Arbiter: “Sunozar just keels over and dies of a heart attack.” The GM offers a reroll at the cost of disadvantage on his first attack. Sunozar refuses: “I don’t really know what it means to be your chosen champion. I’m just out here to kill some people.”
14. 0:19:58 — The sword. Sunozar talks to the dragon skull on his sword’s hilt: “I’m going to need you to, like, really cut people this time.” The Arbiter: “The shadow is doing a little weird whisper stuff, but this guy’s talking to a sword.” He adds: “As long as he dies, does it matter?”
15. 0:20:39 The crowd awards each champion one hero point.
16. 0:20:39 — The Shadow’s first attack. Wispy trails of ethereal energy follow him. His chaos bolt is a shifting ball of rock, lightning, fire and water; it misses (14) and explodes at Sunozar’s feet. “Don’t worry, I’m just testing it out.” Sunozar: “Did you not hear the whole story of the last time someone touched my foot?” The Shadow: “I heard, I just don’t care.” He then casts Spirit Shroud and becomes “more shadowy” (“Shadow has a shadow… it’s not rocket science. Don’t analyze it”).
17. 0:23:30 The crowd chants “Chaos!”
18. 0:24:19 — The blood mark. “All right, buddy, you ready?” Sunozar slices his own bicep with the greatsword, and it erupts into flame; the skull looks like it’s breathing fire. “I heard people like metal here, so if you want metal, you get metal!” His crossbow bolt misses (12). He rests the burning sword on his shoulder.

Chaos event — the piñata (0:26:26)

19. Sunozar rolls a 7. The GM: “This needs a little festivity.” A rainbow piñata drops from the sky and hovers 10 feet up between them: cute shape, pointy ears, big anime eyes glued on, and AC 15. “It’s not made for children. This is my [Orinia’s?] piñata.” It takes one hit to crack.
20. 0:30:01 — The Shadow’s birthday. “For all of my life, for thousands of years, I’ve had to share a birthday with this asshole” (pointing at the Arbiter). “This one is mine.” His ray of frost misses (12), so he uses Lucky and reverses time (“the dust in the air… starts to move backwards”). He still misses. The GM: “You have moved time and space and have still missed… Look at this pure loser.”
21. 0:31:59 The Shadow: “I’ve never had a birthday, so this is my first time.” The GM rolls persuasion against herself to see whether she feels bad. She rolls an 8: “It’s your first birthday and it shows!”
22. 0:32:27 In a tantrum, the Shadow uses telekinetic shove and pushes Sunozar 5 ft toward a cliff (“You’re not my real dad”).
23. 0:33:31 — The skull growls. Sunozar to the sword: “Are you ready?” A low, distinct growl comes from the skull. Everyone now knows a mind lives in it. His blood mark took him to 97 HP (“An honest player”). Sunozar attacks twice per round. He hits the piñata (26), heaves the sword down, and the piñata explodes into a ball of flame.
24. 0:35:41 — The candy. The d12 roll was 11, so 11 candies were inside. Because he burned it, he gets only five. They’re the nice candy: “Snickers bars… those dark chocolate midnight delicious bars.” The Arbiter: “Snickers-like, but legally distinct.” Sunozar: “I fucking hate kids.” Ruling: each candy heals 2 HP, max two per turn. “Candy heals the soul.”
25. 0:36:57 Sunozar curses the Shadow with Blood Curse of Bloated Agony: the Shadow’s body swells for a minute, with disadvantage on Strength and Dexterity checks and 1d8 necrotic damage whenever it attacks.
26. 0:38:17 “Happy now? I hit him with something.” GM: “You hit, I happy. That’s the equation.” Sunozar to the sword: “I think she’s onto us, buddy.” An insight vs stealth roll-off goes to Sunozar (20 vs 14). The GM: “That’s a badass skull. I am all for it.” She muses about keeping him all week like a goldfish, sprinkling flakes. “The flakes be steaks?” “Arbiter, write that down. Add steaks. Should you win. If you lose… fish food.”
27. 0:41:04 “It is my prerogative. Is that a song?… We have a label, probably run by goblins.”

Round 3

28. 0:41:52 The Shadow: “You think that something like this could defeat me?” He casts remove curse. The GM allows it, though it’s a blood curse. He shimmies and shakes: “It’s hard to curse what doesn’t have blood”. The bloat exhales out of him like salt mist, vibrating “like the Flash super-metabolizing.”
29. 0:43:52 “I’m just warming up, Grandmaster.” GM: “You don’t have a body, you can’t get warm.” Another telekinetic shove pins Sunozar against a pillar so the Shadow can run 30 ft past without an opportunity attack. GM: “You little coward.” Shadow: “This is not what I signed up for.” GM: “It’s very clear that you don’t have a backbone.” “I don’t have a lot of things.”
30. 0:45:42 Sunozar leaps in and brings the greatsword down, but misses. He picks it back up and swings again: a hit (24, “the spirit of D&D compels you!”) for 14 slashing plus fire. He applies the Brand of Castigation: an arcane seared brand, so he always knows the Shadow’s direction, even if it’s invisible, and the Shadow takes psychic damage if it damages Sunozar or comes within 5 ft. “Use your action again, bitch”: Bloated Agony again. He bows: “You ready?”
31. 0:48:02 The GM keels over laughing. The Arbiter: “I told you that I was giving him the worst parts.” GM: “Do you have a soft spot for your shadow?” Arbiter: “If he falls on the field, I will finish him myself. You won’t have a chance.” GM: “Words from a true champion.”

Round 4 — the plot against the Grandmaster

32. 0:49:47 The Shadow spends his hero point to cast two spells. He removes the curse again (his last 3rd-level slot). His eyes glow ethereal red: “Listen, I could kill you easily with the snap of my fingers, but I think it might be more fun if you and I killed the Grandmaster instead.” Suggestion, DC 17 Wisdom. Sunozar fails.
33. 0:51:15 The GM’s jaw drops: “Would you care to explain the behavior of your shadow?” The Arbiter offers the third cheeseburger analogy: the Shadow is “the worst parts of me,” the voice that says eat the third cheeseburger. “So are you telling me that I am that third cheeseburger?” “It’s not a perfect analogy.” GM: “Your shadow is trying to come for my crown.”
34. 0:52:52 Sunozar, now set on killing the Grandmaster, reasons: “For a one-track half-orc, you’re standing in front of me, and I need to kill you first to get to her.” He asks her to come down. She says her wings are “too tired”, but if he wins she will come down to him. “Sounds like a plan to me.”
35. 0:54:04 Blood Curse of the Marked gives extra damage dice. Sunozar hits (25) for 14 plus fire; the Shadow casts absorb elements. A second hit (25) does 21. Sunozar spends his hero point for another attack. The Shadow holds concentration (“dirty 20”). “Will we have a fight between the two of us?”
36. 0:57:39 The first swing misses: the Shadow goes ethereal (“I could have done this at any time. I don’t know why I didn’t”). The second swing comes up between the Shadow’s legs (21). GM: “Hurry, dear Shadow, your nether regions are in danger.” The Shadow reverses time again and forces a reroll (“like a reverse Lucky… I create two realities… and I choose the one I like”). It’s spent as Sunozar’s extra hero-point attack. GM: “It seems his diamonds are well protected.”
37. 0:59:38 Sunozar drinks a Mutagen of Celerity (+3 DEX for an hour) through the Order of the Mutant. GM: “Such dexterous, much wow… The Lord of the Riverdance.” Sunozar starts riverdancing.
38. 1:00:47 — Castration vs castigation. The GM thought he cast a “spell of castration.” Sunozar: “Listen, I didn’t know this asshole could turn back time. You didn’t warn me.” GM: “This is the second time he has turned back time… He listens to a lot of Cher… it all turned back time.” Sunozar: “I only listen to metal.” The table debates whether Cher is metal (big 80s hair, dresses like Dee Snider). GM to the Arbiter: “Check and make sure that you have not accidentally been castrated. What happens to your shadow may actually be happening to you.” Sunozar: “It was the brand of castigation, not castration.” Caustic Phoenix googled it. Sunozar is “a bull rancher” and did kill someone for stepping on his toe, so “he may have removed some things as well.”
39. 1:03:10 Break: “let that simmer… Good luck on the trivia guessing that monster.”

After the break

40. 1:03:42 “We have all emptied our bodily fluids…” “You should move on.” Round 5. The GM had been “rooting for a quick and very painful death for the shadow.” She credits the piñata: “That really awoken the beast within him.” The Arbiter promises “a thorough discussion later with me… a lot of self-talk.” GM: “That’s healthy… it’s about growth.”
41. 1:05:38 Initiative is rerolled. Sunozar: “I just like kill things… I’m a seven-foot-tall half-orc that can turn my sword into flames.” The GM promises him a dictionary. The Shadow’s first-ever insult: “You are but a shadow of an orc.” Sunozar: “I am only a half orc, so technically, yes, I’m the shadow of an orc.” Shadow: “This is my first time insulting anyone on my own.” “Dictionaries for everyone… Word of the day is castration.” “Castigation. A severe reprimand.”
42. 1:08:27 The Shadow: “I may be weak and bloodied. But the show isn’t over yet.” He misty-steps away (“Again, running away”), then casts Summon Shadowspawn at 6th level, ripping a shadow creature out of himself the way the Arbiter ripped him out: “the shadow of a shadow.” It is described as a shadow demon that looks like Ryuk from Death Note, a winged shinigami. “Let’s see how you like the shadow within me.” The GM says he has “some slight resentment” against her and doesn’t like fighting his own fights. The Arbiter: “You can’t blame your own shadow on the ground for when you trip… I work really hard on these deathmatches.”
43. 1:11:26 — Sword size-off. The shadowspawn draws a great shadowy sword. Sunozar: “You compensating for something there, Shadow?” A d20 roll-off: the Shadow gets 9, Sunozar 15. Sunozar has the larger sword. “My sword is a respectable 9… that’s average.” “Average would be a 10.”
44. 1:12:16 The shadowspawn’s multiattack: three hits, one a nat 20, for 57 cold damage. Sunozar: “I hate it here.” He’s bloodied. The Shadow walks through the blue portal; the GM: “Please be in lava.” He reappears behind Sunozar at great distance.
45. 1:15:50 The Shadow’s concentration has moved to the spawn, so Sunozar is no longer under the suggestion: “That’s just of your own choice now.” He takes an opportunity hit (cold) to close distance. He casts Blood Curse of the Muddled Mind (disadvantage on the Shadow’s next concentration save) and drinks a Gelid mutagen (cold resistance). He eats two candies (+4 HP).
46. 1:18:19 The Arbiter’s end-of-round d20 is a 2. GM: “That’s horrible. Just roll again.” Then 19.

Chaos event — Theodore the Giant (1:18:53)

47. “I don’t like when she laughs like that.” The ground shakes; pebbles dance. A massive giant rises through the fog, scoops up the ground they’re standing on and lifts it into the sky. “Theodore, take them for a good walk. I think they need some fresh air.” They are now in the palm of Theodore the Giant. Sunozar: “Can I call him Teddy?” GM: “He likes that a lot.” “Good hand, one hand… He may or may not have two hands.” They are carried up into the clouds, where it’s hard to breathe.
48. 1:20:54 Sunozar: “Is now a bad time to mention I’m afraid of heights?” GM: “This is a horrible time.” He moves to the middle of Teddy’s palm.
49. 1:21:15 Initiative is rerolled again. The GM tracks the Arbiter’s bad rolls: “A one. You go four the second time and now a two.”
50. 1:22:04 The Shadow siphons life from the grass and rubble (false life). “I don’t need to lower myself to attacking him anymore now that my spawn is here.” He takes the Dodge action. Sunozar balances with both hands out (“uh, uh, uh”). The spawn misses, rolling a nat 1: “That sword plunging down… Sunozar also moves [with the rock] and it saves his life.”
51. 1:24:58 — Teddy’s walk. Dexterity saves at DC 12 at the end of each turn. The Shadow passes, but the spawn rolls a nat 1 and the Shadow loses concentration. The shadow devil vanishes while the Shadow clings to the giant’s wrist. Shadow: “I really wish I had done something besides dodge this round.”
52. 1:26:16 Sunozar: “So glad my Dex is plus nine right now.” He attacks at disadvantage against the Dodge. One hit lands for 16 (the Shadow can’t cast shield while dodging): “I’m hanging on by a thread, dude.” “Son of a biscuit.” He eats two more candies, leaving one. He ignores the Gelid mutagen’s side effect, so he is no longer vulnerable to fire.
53. 1:29:00 GM: “I don’t think he’s doing so well.” Arbiter: “I ripped his wings off. You remember, you were there… You wanted to see death.” GM: “Is this not your favored shadow?… And yet you turn to him and give him nothing.” The Arbiter blesses the Shadow (1d4): “What do you want, asshole? You have my blessing.” Shadow: “Ah, nobody asked.” GM: “I think there’s a good heart in you yet, Arbiter.” “Don’t get carried away.”
54. 1:30:53 — Sunozar falls. With +9 and advantage, he rolls a 1 and a 2 on the Dexterity save. “You do not mock the hand of Teddy. He alone will pass judgment upon you.” Coin flip: “Tails never fails!” It’s wrong. Sunozar falls off Teddy’s hand through the clouds.
55. 1:33:39 — The prayer. GM: “Who is it that I am to you?… Am I more than just cool?” “Cool’s not cool enough. I want to be ice cold.” Sunozar: “Look at how awesome your wings are. They’re so perfect. You should show how perfect they are by coming to save me.” GM: “You shall worship every feather upon my wings.” “I’ll do that after I kill this stupid shadow.”
56. 1:34:45 “Moved by your oh so eloquent prayer,” the Grandmaster dives and catches him, cradling him like a small baby. “Totally normal in the Deathmatch.” “You will remember this, the Grandmaster, who has made sure you did not die yet.” She makes him promise not to disappoint her, then calls: “Teddy, bring the ground back to us.” She sets him down within 10 ft of the Shadow, by a bush in the middle of the Disregarded Cliffs. “There’s a nice little greenery in the background that will contrast the red blood that I’m hoping to see soon.” Arbiter: “Here at D20 Deathmatch, we love bush and we know it.” Sunozar: “It’s all about bush and castration here.” “Just here for some family-friendly fun.”

Final round

57. 1:37:20 Final initiative: the Shadow gets 17. “I’m so confident I can beat you.” The Shadow turns time back to let Sunozar reroll his own initiative, spending a Lucky. Sunozar wins initiative.
58. 1:38:32 — The mohawk. Shadow: “Look at you with a pink mohawk. What is that even? Who did that to you?” Sunozar: “Never, and I repeat, never talk about my mohawk. He’s the last person who made fun of my mohawk. Let’s just say what the Grandmaster thought I said earlier, that happened.” GM: “That’s what triggered it!… We’ve come full circle. This is a story.”
59. 1:39:29 — The kill. “Sunozar bad.” He runs straight at the Shadow and swings the sword like a baseball bat at its head. The Shadow casts shield (needs 21), but Sunozar rolls 27: 19 damage. Shadow: “That was a mistake. I really regret that now. My only other regret is that I never got to eat.” He becomes incorporeal around the stuck sword, and a shadowy tear rolls down his cheek. The crowd throws beers: “some guy deep-throating a hot dog… ninth inning.”
60. 1:41:43 — The GM bottles the chaos. “I will take that power and that chaos you’ve given me and I will bundle it up. I will bottle it and I will keep that for the next battle… Those who worship at my feet will never be forgotten.”
61. 1:42:42 — The candy. Sunozar eats the last piece of candy in the dying Shadow’s face. Shadow: “I really don’t like you.” “I fucking hate you. Sitting there smacking.” The Shadow fades away. Sunozar: “I decapitated a shadow.” (Chat’s idea, from Mutant Noodles.)
62. 1:43:14 — Credit. The GM gestures to herself (“Thanks to…”). Sunozar: “The Flamesword! Oh, and your wings.” To the sword: “Hey, we did it again, buddy. Good job. Proud of you.”
63. 1:43:42 — The sword’s story. “We literally exist outside of all space and time,” so there is time to hear it. His buddy was “this dope sorcerer” (later “a wizard”) who fought dragons with him. When they killed the dragon whose skull is on the sword, the sorcerer sacrificed himself, and his soul now lives in the dragon skull. “How else do you think I caught it on fire?” Cutting his bicep with the sword sets it on fire or lightning (“today we did fire”).
64. 1:45:33 — The bow. He tosses the sword up, the flame extinguishes, he backflips and bows, and the flames erupt again as he catches it. Acrobatics 21: “You should be a statue.” “That’s another story for another time, but I am.”
65. 1:46:46 GM: “Who did you bring?” Arbiter: “He was at the Ruby Tuesday I was having lunch at. Listen, there’s not a lot of people in Omaha.” GM: “Let’s hit Ruby Tuesday after this… after parties.” She raises Sunozar’s hand: “Your victor, your winner, your champion, Sunozar!” “Welcome… no, goodbye to D20 Deathmatch.”

Full Dried Blood notes (click to expand)

• Nelstar on decapitating Mudcat’s character: “knocking out of the park.”
• Eating the candy was Mutant Noodles’ idea in chat. Caustic Phoenix: chat suggestions are like a live audience, so go for it. Mudcat had planned to play up “I’ve never had a birthday” and beg for candy.
• Maps come from Animated Dungeon Maps on Patreon. The “Hand of God” map (the giant’s hand) was paired with a mountaintop map with similar design elements.
• “Afraid of heights” was improvised. It’s a running joke with friends about the tall bridge from Nelstar’s hometown to the Lake Charles, Louisiana casinos. “Now it’s a part of Sunozar’s life. He is now afraid of heights forever.”
• Sunozar’s backstory (player-stated, so canon for Sunozar):
  • A prototypical street urchin and orphan who doesn’t know his mother.
  • He befriended an old man, who was the powerful wizard. They saved several cities from demons, goblins and trolls.
  • Statues of Sunozar and his wizard friend stand in a couple of cities: one in cast bronze, one in marble.
  • The old man died, and his soul now lives in the sword.
• Caustic Phoenix on his mother: “And how does that make you feel?” Mudcat: “You’re the Ronald McDonald [statue] that I picked up and animated sitting on the bench.”
• Nelstar hasn’t talked to Caustic Phoenix in over a year. He’d sign Sunozar up for a battle of champions; Mudcat: “I think we can make that happen.”