S1E9 — Fizban's Dragon Battle Royale — Amethyst Dragon v Dracohydra v Hollow Dragon v Topaz Dragon

Watch on YouTube

For Halloween, the Arbiter cracked open his favorite book and turned the arena’s lemonade vendor, a living amethyst die and the shadows of both hosts into four dragons, then set them loose on each other. Fizban’s Dragon Battle Royale dragged its champions from an open sky through three dragon lairs. Along the way it served up sandwich diplomacy, a failed union drive, a baby dragon and a mushroom that may or may not have made someone sing. At the end of it, the most frightened champion in the arena stood victorious with ten heads.

The Story

A Halloween Costume Party

The night opened with “Happy Halloween!” and a Grandmaster still putting the finishing touches on her outfit. “Above all things, I always go out for Halloween,” declared the Grandmaster. Inspired by “this new Treasury of Dragons,” she had made herself an aspect as a Topaz dragon, “more gold than I hoped.” The Arbiter felt underdressed in what appeared to be a cat costume. “You’re a very cute cat,” she assured him. “I found this thing in the dumpster,” he replied. “It smells like cheese.”

The first champion was a familiar face: Narfi, who runs the lemonade stand at the arena, “the best lemonade in the entire realm.” He had been promised more ice for his chronically warm lemonade, and the Arbiter now offered all the ice he would ever need if he won. Narfi only caught up afterwards: “I’m sorry, what? Fight for what?”

His opponent was Vashon, a living amethyst die, no longer held by “the confounds of Captain Robert’s birthstone, not really his birthstone dice.” He vowed to “break my shell and let my purple amethyst rain all over your faces.” Narfi objected on scientific grounds, since hot things poured on cold lemonade make warm lemonade. “That’s thermodynamics.” The Grandmaster was impressed: “This guy knows science.”

Four Dragons and a Dice Cup

Knowing the Grandmaster had “a thing for dragons,” the Arbiter proposed a battle between them. She liked dragons, she clarified, but did not want to date one, “an important distinction.” Then he produced a large leather tome with “Fizban’s Treasury” on the spine. Since the night called for it, he suggested the hosts get a piece of the action through their shadows.

With a wave of his hands, he drew out the Grandmaster’s shadow, identical to her but in inverse colors. Then he pulled out his own shadow once again. The shadow was thrilled as ever: “What the fuck do you want this time?” When Narfi fretted that there was so much talk of death, the Arbiter promised that tonight he would make the Acolytes “make their own lemonade, but in their pants.”

The Arbiter pulled tiny dragon forms out of the book’s pages and hurled them at the contestants. Narfi’s bones cracked as he swelled into a Dracohydra, and from then on he mostly spoke in the plural: “We are many, many heads.” After some debate over the plural of Narfi (Narfai? Narfosis?), he settled on “Narfacist.” Vashon took a glowing purple essence to the chest and rose as an Amethyst Dragon, “a dragon all the time.” The Grandmaster’s shadow became a gorgeous gold-and-orange Topaz Dragon.

The Arbiter’s shadow had a harder time. It broke apart into ethereal light, and the Arbiter had to weld it into a suit of armor to make the Hollow Dragon. Its verdict: “I hate it here.”

Battle in the Clouds

The castle bled away into open sky, with a blinding green crystal spinning at its center and the hosts swelling to dragon size above. The Acolytes got involved before the fight even started. They hurled everything they’d brought: fish heads, a cat in sunglasses, pizza, flaming people, goblins and “someone’s grandmother again.” Three dragons dodged it all. The Dracohydra had too many heads to keep track of, and the barrage battered it. “Know that you are the first to draw blood on this field,” the Grandmaster told the crowd proudly.

Chaos piled on chaos. The Grandmaster’s aspect won a glowing red egg that would hatch in six rounds. Then the whole field was thrown into a game of tag, with the Hollow Dragon starting as “it.” The Topaz Dragon promptly formed an alliance with the Dracohydra. “We’re BFFs now. We’re going to get matching tattoos after this arena.” When the Arbiter protested that there were rules, she replied, “There are, and I can make whatever I want.” Everyone else avoided the Hollow Dragon. Too many cooties.

The Amethyst Dragon opened by breathing a gravity-warping blast that pinned the Dracohydra in place and lopped off its first head. “For when you cut off one head of the Hydra, two more will grow in its place,” Narfi answered. Two did, splitting out of the neck in a way that was “not clean, it’s not magical, it is just very anatomical.” “We are growers, not showers.” Vashon then teleported to the far corner of the sky. The Topaz Dragon was disgusted by the hit-and-run. When she reached for the giant crystal, it went white hot and the whole world shifted.

Home Invasion

The dragons landed in a cave behind a roaring waterfall: the Amethyst Dragon’s lair. “I’m coming home,” Vashon crooned. “This is my world now.” He whispered to the Topaz Dragon that “sandwiches will be ready soon.” Then he flew over and clawed and bit her three times before vanishing again. “Does it look like the sandwiches were good?” she asked, showing off her fresh scars.

The Hollow Dragon’s armor exploded in every direction and snapped back together. The Topaz Dragon answered by bending the waterfall at him like a fire hydrant. “Yes, I am a waterbender. Everyone recognize this.” When her claw missed, she switched to words:

“That’s why you’re called a hollow dragon because nothing’s in you whatsoever. No heart, no brain, and probably not even a soul within it. I hope that cuts deep.” — the Topaz Dragon

Spurned, the Hollow Dragon tried to unionize the Dracohydra. He pointed out that the Grandmaster made Narfi fight to the death and paid minimum wage, and argued they could “control the means of production of the ice.” Narfi was horrified: “This is how you get us both fired by doing this union talk at work.” The Grandmaster promised a meeting with all vendors and caterers to address their work balance. Narfi had one condition: “Just no more committees.”

The cave sprouted mushrooms. Vashon’s spectral projection ate a healing one, which did nothing for a projection, then rolled a natural 1 against a target with six heads. “My projection is a bitch,” Vashon admitted. Mortified, he retreated into his bedroom and shut the door. The Hollow Dragon ate a poisonous mushroom and shrugged it off. The Topaz Dragon put up a shimmering protective shell and flew over to knock on Vashon’s door with a pep talk: “When you make a good sandwich, you finish it.” He cracked the door open with one claw hanging out, then came out coughing and spat an explosive crystal at her. “Did you just try to throw up on me?” she demanded; she had been offering to help him, “not be your vomit bucket.” It bounced off her shell, hit the Hollow Dragon and collapsed him into a talking puddle inside his own armor.

The Grandmaster called a timeout for lemonade. Todd from the blue raspberry slushie stand was covering Narfi’s stand, slipping around without restaurant shoes. Narfi threatened to snap him in half if blackberries got in the lemonade. Afterwards, the Arbiter gave a shout-out to Wes Wolf, an Acolyte in the nosebleeds who had commissioned a painting of Doug the Pug by Saint Cinder. Then Doug declared a no bones day. To shake off the bad juju, the Grandmaster gave every dragon a little luck.

The fight got uglier. The projection’s teeth gnawed into a neck, blood gushing, and ripped a head off its supposed ally, the Dracohydra (“Why, why do you hurt us… oh wait, we’re friends”). Vashon stripped the Topaz Dragon’s shield and crouched over the green crystal: “It is my egg now. I want to stay home. It’s scary everywhere else.” Breath weapons went off in every direction. “I didn’t brush my teeth lately, so suck it,” the Topaz Dragon announced before her necrotic blast. The Dracohydra answered with a prismatic spray of lightning, and the Arbiter ruled that it got lighter and faster with every head it lost. When tag ended, the Dracohydra had forgotten to tag anyone, and a little red X exploded on its claw.

The projection then flubbed a second natural 1, and the Grandmaster lost patience. “Arbiter, from here on out, every punishment, every consequence, and every good thing will be doubled in effect.” Her own aspect immediately ate double damage from Vashon’s singularity breath. The Topaz Dragon teleported on top of him to crush the crystal under his weight. When that failed, she sank her teeth into his neck. “You were the best of us!” The Arbiter suggested her acting classes were going to her head. The Dracohydra then sent its “one smart head” sneaking toward the crystal while six others distracted. Vashon teleported away, so all six bites landed on the Hollow Dragon for a brutal 78 damage. “You’re basically the ideal unionized worker in one body. Why are you doing this?” the Hollow Dragon wailed. “You told us it was a fight to the death,” Narfi replied. “We fight to the death.” Then the smart head touched the crystal.

The Tower by the Sea

The battle moved to a castle tower on a remote island, the Topaz Dragon’s lair. “Welcome home, everyone,” she purred. “This is where beauty lies.” Her egg hatched into a tiny wyrmling, Junior Topaz, whom she shoved straight out of the nest at the Hollow Dragon. It gummed his leg.

Sandwich diplomacy resumed. The Topaz Dragon offered Vashon a place on her team if he killed the Hollow Dragon. Vashon secretly sent the Hollow Dragon a psychic promise that he would double-cross them. The Hollow Dragon then turned on the Topaz Dragon with a fresh threat: “One day, me and the Arbiter, we’re going to kill all of you.” He promised a beanbag chair and a soda fountain to follow.

The Grandmaster turned to her colleague. “Care to explain what your aspect is saying?” The Arbiter insisted that “he doesn’t speak for me” and that this had “happened last time too.” “It has to come from a certain place, doesn’t it?” she asked, and promised a long talk later. “He looks like an idiot, you can’t take him at his word,” the Arbiter pleaded. “Fine, we’ll ignore the idiot this time.”

Vashon then made his own political turn. “In order for us to eat, we must destroy the mouths of the many.” He blasted the Dracohydra and fled to a high perch. Narfi prayed to “Boss” for strength, and she granted it. The Dracohydra leapt off its stumpy legs and drenched Vashon in poison, then grew its eighth head. Doug fired his laser eye to push the arena into one last change.

Blood in the Water

The Dracohydra had no lair, so the Arbiter made it one: a giant wave swept everyone into an underwater cavern laced with breathable magic. “We feel so much more nimbly bimbly here,” Narfi said, twice as fast in the water. The Topaz Dragon, who had “never made one” (a bond) with the Hollow Dragon, finished him with a bite. His last words promised a comeback, with cheese puffs, the Topaz Dragon dead, “or maybe we’ll skin you and make you into a footstool.” The light inside his armor faded, and the pieces drifted to the cavern floor. The Topaz Dragon caught his skull, held it up to the hosts, looked the Arbiter in the eye and crushed it. “That’s not fair,” the Arbiter said. “It’s a fair battle,” the Grandmaster replied. (At the table, it came out afterwards that the Hollow Dragon could have pulled itself back together if its pieces stayed close. The crushed skull put an end to that plan.)

“Once team hollow, always team hollow,” Vashon declared, and breathed his singularity on everyone. Junior Topaz died. The Topaz Dragon clung on with almost nothing left, and Vashon fled to the map’s edge “like a little bitch.” The Arbiter wondered aloud why Deathmatches always attract cowards. He then showered a nacho-loving sect of Acolytes below his balcony with cheese (“It’s the nacho splash zone!”). The Topaz Dragon used the last of her strength to teleport the stranded Dracohydra into range and whip up a whirlpool. Vashon breathed again and caught them both. She dissolved in the singularity, “eating away at my flesh until just the little school of fishies that come by nip away the rest of my body.”

It came down to the die and the lemonade man. “This is it for all the marbles, baby,” Vashon declared. His breath came back yet again, and this time the Dracohydra simply shrugged it off: “We are stronger.” Then it charged with all ten heads. Ten bites tore the Amethyst Dragon apart. “Sandwiches are mine,” Vashon said happily, dying. “This sandwich is so good.”

“There is blood in the water and that is enough for our fight,” the Grandmaster proclaimed, crowning the arena’s own lemonade vendor as the champion. His message to the Acolytes: “Half-priced lemonade for all.”

Dried Blood

Still speaking as the Dracohydra, Narfi credited his victory to teamwork: “We win because we are smarter with heads put together.” Back to his usual self, he saw “opportunities for growth” for the lemonade stand and was even open to adding Vashon’s blackberry lemonade, though he couldn’t quite remember Vashon’s name. His parting wisdom: “When one head has an idea, it’s best to listen… listen to those voices and bite the shit out of anything you see, especially if you have a lot of heads.”

Notable Moments

• The Arbiter drew out both hosts’ shadows and turned them into dragons using his copy of “Fizban’s Treasury.”
• The Hollow Dragon tried to unionize the Dracohydra over “the means of production of the ice,” and was firmly refused.
• Vashon hid in his bedroom, and later, guarding the crystal, put Goo Goo Dolls’ “Iris” back on his Walkman.
• After the projection’s second natural 1, the Grandmaster doubled every consequence for the rest of the match.
• The Topaz Dragon crushed the Hollow Dragon’s skull in front of the Arbiter.
• Narfi grew from five heads to ten and won with ten bites.

Memorable Quotes

• The Shadow of the Arbiter: “What the fuck do you want this time?”
• Narfi: “For when you cut off one head of the Hydra, two more will grow in its place.”
• Vashon: “I want to stay home. It’s scary everywhere else.”
• The Topaz Dragon: “My claws may not hit, but my words find their home.”
• Narfi: “Just no more committees. I cannot be on any more committees.”
• The Grandmaster: “It has to come from a certain place, doesn’t it?”
• The Arbiter: “How is it that every time we have a deathmatch, we seem to get the most cowardly people to fight?”
• Narfi: “I say to them, we say to them, Half-priced lemonade for all.”

Who and What Appears

Characters

Narfi / the Dracohydra (feisty_viking).

• Runs the lemonade stand at the arena, “the best lemonade in the entire realm.” Hates warm lemonade, the blue raspberry slushie stand and rock candy; afraid of dragons.
• Lured in by the promise of unlimited ice; didn’t realize it was a fight to the death.
• Turned into a Dracohydra by the Arbiter from Fizban’s tome. Speaks in the plural (“We are many”); also called Narfai, Narfacist, Narfissus.
• Every 30 damage costs a head; two grow back from the split neck at the end of its turn, each restoring health. Rulings: flight speed doubles per head lost; doubled movement in water. Grew from five to ten heads over the fight.
• Allied with the Grandmaster’s aspect (“Boss”); refused the Hollow Dragon’s union pitch (“Boss is good for us”).
• Won the battle, killing the Hollow Dragon’s last support in a 78-damage round and finishing the Amethyst Dragon with ten bites. Declared half-priced lemonade for all.

Vashon / the Amethyst Dragon (CaptainRobear).

• A living amethyst die (“normally being rolled as the dice”; “this is my first time” playing). Spelling of the name uncertain.
• Turned into an adult Amethyst Dragon: floating purple crystals, long chunky tail, thick gullet; immune to prone (“such a chunker”).
• Pro-blackberry lemonade; promised amethyst rock candy and grape-crush water fountains.
• The cave behind the waterfall is his lair. Hid in his “bedroom” behind a door; listens to Goo Goo Dolls’ “Iris” on a Walkman.
• Abilities used: gravitational/singularity breath, Psychic Step, beguiling whispers, Spatial Projection, explosive amethyst crystal, dispel magic, Force Cage.
• Played both sides with sandwiches, secretly promising the Hollow Dragon a double-cross. Killed Junior Topaz and the Topaz Dragon; was killed last by the Dracohydra.

The Topaz Dragon — the Grandmaster’s aspect (Caustic Phoenix).

• The Grandmaster’s Halloween “aspect,” then her shadow drawn out by the Arbiter (inverse colors), transformed into an Ancient Topaz Dragon: gold, yellow and orange wings with a blue hue.
• Insists “I’m the aspect. I’m not the same as her up there… I can die down here.”
• Her lair is a tower on a remote sea island, where she watches the giant squid.
• Abilities used: waterbending (control water: redirect flow, whirlpool), anti-life shell, desiccating breath, psionic teleport, beguiling whispers.
• Hatched and bonded with Junior Topaz. Killed the Hollow Dragon and crushed his skull. Died to the Amethyst Dragon’s singularity breath, eaten by fish.

The Hollow Dragon — the Shadow of the Arbiter (Mudcat).

• The Arbiter’s shadow (from S1E3) pulled out again, turned into ethereal light and melded with a suit of armor. “What the fuck do you want this time?”
• Started as “it” in tag.
• Abilities used: Booming Scales (the armor explodes and reforms), Sapping Presence, Radiant Breath. Immune to poison, resistant to necrotic.
• Pitched unionizing and seizing the “means of production of the ice.”
• Repeated the threat: “One day, me and the Arbiter, we’re going to kill all of you”, with a beanbag chair, a soda fountain and cheese puffs.
• Killed by the Topaz Dragon; his armor drifted apart and his skull was crushed. (Dried Blood: his card would have let him reform if the pieces stayed together.)

Junior Topaz (“Junior McTopaz”). A topaz wyrmling hatched from the chaos egg and bonded to the Topaz Dragon; looks like a baby Charizard. Gnawed on the Hollow Dragon’s leg; killed by the Amethyst Dragon’s breath.

The Arbiter (Mudcat).

• Dressed as a cat (from a dumpster, smells like cheese) for Halloween.
• Owns a large leather tome, “Fizban’s Treasury” (“my favorite book”), from whose pages he pulls dragon forms to transform champions.
• Can draw out the Grandmaster’s shadow as well as his own. Distorts reality to move the arena between lairs, and put breathing magic in the water.
• Still insists his shadow “doesn’t speak for me.” Eats nachos and lemonade and showers the cheese sect below.

Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer (Caustic Phoenix).

• Always goes out for Halloween. Sits next to Doug the Pug.
• Ruled she can make whatever rules she wants. Declared all consequences doubled for the rest of the fight.
• Promised a meeting with all vendors and caterers about work balance.
• Suspects the Arbiter’s shadow speaks “from a certain place”; promises “a long talk later.”

Doug the Pug. The Grandmaster’s pug, at her seat. Decides bone day / no bones day (a no bones day tonight). Adds +7 with a “laser eye” to trigger the final map change. Subject of a painting commissioned by Wes Wolf.

Todd. Normally sells blue raspberry slushies; covered Narfi’s lemonade stand during the fight, slipping on the floor without restaurant shoes.

Wes Wolf. An Acolyte “in the nosebleeds” who commissioned the Doug the Pug painting (a real viewer, framed in-world). Saint Cinder is the artist.

The nacho-cheese Acolytes. A small sect seated just below the Arbiter, there only to be covered in nacho cheese.

Places

• The open sky arena: clouds and the spinning green emerald crystal (castle surroundings bled into sky).
• The Amethyst Dragon’s lair: a cave behind a raging waterfall, with nooks where mushrooms grow and a “bedroom” with a door and three-quarter walls.
• The Topaz Dragon’s lair: a castle tower on a remote island in the sea, with tall perches (30 ft and 40 ft); giant squid offshore.
• The Dracohydra’s lair (made for him by the Arbiter): an underwater cavern, crystal 160 ft down, breathable water.
• The arena’s lemonade stand and blue raspberry slushie stand; the Grandmaster’s seat; the Arbiter’s balcony.

Items

• The green crystal: touching it shifts the arena to a dragon’s lair.
• The chaos egg: red, glowing and pulsing; hatched in six rounds into Junior Topaz.
• The tag mark: a red X that explodes on whoever is “it” at the end.
• The mushrooms: one healing, one poisonous, two unused.
• Fizban’s Treasury, the Arbiter’s leather tome.
• The Doug the Pug painting by Saint Cinder.
• The 1d4 “no bones” inspirations.

Lore statements

• Narfi has a lemonade stand in the arena, Todd a blue raspberry slushie stand.
• The Arbiter can draw out the Grandmaster’s shadow (identical, inverse colors) as well as his own.
• The Grandmaster’s aspect can die in the arena and is “not the same as her up there.”
• The Arbiter’s shadow again voices a plan to kill the Grandmaster’s side with the Arbiter; the Arbiter again disowns it (“this happened last time too”).
• The arena reaches dragon lairs; the Arbiter can make a lair for a champion that lacks one.
• Doug the Pug’s bone day / no bones day affects the arena’s luck.

Full Round-by-Round

Every beat of the episode, with timestamps (click to expand)

Opening — Halloween

1. 0:00:01 The Arbiter opens with “Happy Halloween!” and calls for the Grandmaster. She is still finishing her Halloween outfit: “above all things, I always go out for Halloween.” Inspired by “this new Treasury of Dragons,” she has created “an aspect of myself as a Topaz dragon. So more gold than I hoped.”
2. 0:01:10 The Arbiter feels underdressed. The GM: “You’re a very cute cat.” Arbiter: “I found this thing in the dumpster. It smells like cheese.” (Inferred: his costume is a cat outfit, from these two lines.) The GM is “feeling full-on dragon mode” and wants a whole dragon theme. The Arbiter “had a feeling” and has made the Deathmatch “something a little interesting,” but wants to introduce the champions first.

The champions

3. 0:02:14 The Arbiter presents “Vashon versus Narfie. You might know Narfie from the lemonade stand here at the arena.” The GM: “the best lemonade in the entire realm.”
4. 0:02:34 — The ice deal. Narfi was told there would be more ice; the lemonade has “been going rather warm on the regular.” The Arbiter: “you win this thing, you get all the ice you will ever need.” “No more warm lemonade for anyone.” Arbiter: “You fight for your life, and in exchange, we give you frozen water.” Narfi: “I’m sorry, what? Fight for what?” The Arbiter moves on.
5. 0:03:19 — Vashon, the living die. Vashon: “You are no longer held by the confounds of Captain Robert’s birthstone, not really his birthstone dice. I will emerge and break my shell and let my purple amethyst rain all over your faces.” (Vashon is a living amethyst die: see 0:27:56 “I’m normally being rolled as the dice” and the Dried Blood note on CaptainRobear’s amethyst dice that weren’t his birthstone.) Narfi: “Wait, what is he putting on my face?” Narfi protests that hot things poured on cold lemonade make warm lemonade: “That’s thermodynamics.” The GM: “This guy knows science. I’m impressed already.” Arbiter: “The hot and the cold carry the two.” GM: “Hot sugar is not something anyone likes.”
6. 0:04:26 — “A thing for dragons.” The Arbiter says he knows she has “a thing for dragons and Fizban’s.” The GM objects to the phrasing: she likes dragons but doesn’t want to be in a relationship with one, “an important distinction.” Narfi admits he is “a little more afraid of them than anything.” Vashon: “It’s better to be dragon than dice, I promise you.” The Arbiter proposes the cure for Narfi’s fear and the GM’s entertainment: a battle between dragons. GM: “You have spoken to my heart.”
7. 0:05:24 — The tome. The Arbiter pulls out a large leather tome; the spine reads “Fizban’s Treasury.” “That’s my favorite book.” He proposes that he and the GM “get a piece of the action” — not themselves, but “your aspect, your shadow and my shadow.” GM: “throw our shadows in the mix. That way it’ll be more of a fair fight anyway.”
8. 0:06:09 — Two shadows. The Arbiter waves his hands and draws out the Grandmaster’s shadow, “an ethereal form identical to her, except for… inverse colors,” then pulls out his own shadow once again. The Shadow of the Arbiter: “What the fuck do you want this time?” Arbiter: “I think you’re going to fight to the death again.” (“Cool. Whatever.” follows; speaker uncertain.)
9. 0:06:37 Narfi: “There’s so much talk of death. It’s just so scary.” GM: “our little lemonade maker. You are about to be the one that is scary.” Arbiter: “You make lemonade for the Acolytes, but tonight, you will make them make their own lemonade, but in their pants.” Vashon: “Yes, four dragons and one dice cup.”

The transformations

10. 0:07:08 — The Dracohydra. The Arbiter swirls his hand over the book and pulls small forms of dragons out of the pages, casting one at Narfi. Narfi’s bones crack as he grows. Narfi: “There are many heads of the Dracohydra. And here we have more than just puny weakling Narfi. We are many, many heads.”
11. 0:08:16 — The Amethyst Dragon. From the next page the Arbiter draws “an essence of purple scales and just a glowing amethyst dragon” and tosses it into Vashon’s chest. Vashon: “From dice to dragon… a wondrous gem dragon with floating purple crystals over my beautiful body, a very long chunky tail, and a thick gullet. I have arisen. I am not only just a dragon part-time, I am a dragon all the time. … I will destroy you, bitch.”
12. 0:09:38 Narfi: “You speak not of Narfi, for we are more than just Narfi. We are many, you are but one… You will fall to our lemons.” The GM asks whether the plural is “Narfees.” Suggestions: Narfai, Narfacist, Narfosis. Narfi settles: “You will hear me as Narfacist!” (The GM later calls him “Narfissus.”)
13. 0:10:57 — The Topaz Dragon. The GM casts a hand over her shadow; the glittered-up aspect transforms fully: a long tail and long gold, shiny yellow and orange wings with a blue hue in the middle. It becomes a Topaz dragon. “This is what will resemble me out on the field. Truly majestic, truly gorgeous.”
14. 0:11:41 — The Hollow Dragon. The Arbiter’s shadow’s bones break and transform, but instead of a dragon it becomes an ethereal light. The Arbiter brings in a suit of armor and melds the two into a Hollow Dragon: metal plating animated by an ethereal soul. GM: “it seems like you really got into the Halloween spirit… You’re a cute little hollow dragon.” The Shadow: “I hate it here.”

The arena — the open sky

15. 0:13:10 With a wave of the Arbiter’s hand, “what was the castle now bleeds into just an open sky.” The GM and the Arbiter fly above, growing to rival the size of the four dragons: the Dracohydra, the adult Amethyst Dragon, the Ancient Topaz Dragon and the Hollow Dragon. In the middle, a blinding, brilliant green emerald gem spins in the air. Arbiter: “the only place appropriate to start a dragon battle would be in the sky.” He warns: “we might move around a bit.”
16. 0:14:44 — The crowd. The Arbiter asks the Acolytes floating above whether they’re ready for “a showdown of Fizban’s dragons.” The GM asks which dragon beckons to their souls: one has “an abundance of eyes” and one “no eyes,” so “there’s enough eyes on the field.” (0:15:41, speaker uncertain: “If anyone’s gonna fix the odds, it’s gonna be me, okay? You knock that off.”)
17. 0:15:57 — Campaign promises. The GM reminds everyone that Todd sells blue raspberry slushies. Narfi: “I hate the slushie stand… I’m going to burn that thing down while I’m a dragon. Death to the slushies.” Vashon: “If I win, I promise Amethyst rock candy for everyone.” Narfi: “Who the hell likes rock candy?” The GM compares it to middle-school student council elections. Vashon: “I will also turn the water fountains into grape crush.” Narfi asks for a lemonade fountain too; the Arbiter “might have to look into turning them all into grape crush.” The Arbiter puts the odds of dying at “one in four… or three in four.”
18. 0:17:15 — The lemonade feud. Vashon: “Prepare yourself for my blackberry lemonade, Draco Morphoy.” Narfi: “You cannot soil the clean lemonade. I will rip you to shreds.” Vashon: “I am going to dip my blackberries in your lemonade and you will do nothing about it, Draco Malfoy.” Narfi: “I will put more ice in it and you will have frozen blackberries.” The GM has “no clue” what they mean; “if one of them wins, we can ask.”

Three chaos events before the start (0:18:02)

19. The crowd has already earned three chaos events. Rolls: 5, 16, 20.
20. 0:19:07 — The Acolytes throw everything. The Acolytes rise even higher and throw anything they brought down at the dragons (Dex saves). Chat calls out stinky cheeses, pickles, cold beer, hot dogs. The Hollow Dragon rolls a nat 1 and spends a legendary resistance “right from the beginning.” The Amethyst and Topaz Dragons save; the Dracohydra fails. The Arbiter narrates: fish heads, a cat with sunglasses, pieces of pizza, various Pokemon, flaming people, goblins, “someone’s grandmother again goes flying,” wooden pickles. They miss three dragons but smack the Dracohydra, its heads going every which way: “there’s too many heads.” Narfi: “Tiny, tiny puppies scare the shit out of us.” GM: “it’s just a splinter.” She thanks the Acolytes: “Know that you are the first to draw blood on this field.”
21. 0:21:21 CaptainRobear: “Oh, hi, Grandmaster. This is tech support for D20 Deathmatch.” (Table gag.)
22. 0:24:16 — The egg. Highest d20 wins. The Arbiter’s roll landed on Narfi’s token; GM: “Don’t you dare cheat the system, Arbiter.” (“Grandmaster, this is bullshit.”) The GM’s aspect wins with 15 (“As it should be, obviously”): a small egg, red, bright, glowing and pulsing, that hatches in six rounds. She may throw, keep or crack it, and anyone can try to take it. Narfi: “Six rounds until breakfast is served.”
23. 0:25:50 — Tag. The third event was balloon weapons, rerolled because “dragons don’t have balloons.” It becomes a game of tag lasting five rounds; whoever is “it” at the end takes damage. The Hollow Dragon rolls highest (19) and starts as “it.” Arbiter: “Is this Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?” GM: “Already a mess. You have taken blood, you have given us an egg, and you have started a game of tag before the field is even set.”

Placement and alliances

24. 0:27:36 Vashon rolls a d20 instead of a d4: “This is my first time. I’m normally being rolled as the dice.”
25. 0:28:40 — Team Topaz. The GM’s aspect and the Dracohydra start together; she proposes to “Narfissus” that they team up. Narfi: “Yes, we accept this, for one more makes us many more.” Arbiter: “What is this bullshit? You can’t team up with him.” GM: “we’re BFFs now. We’re going to get matching tattoos after this arena.” “Grandmaster, there are rules.” “There are, and I can make whatever I want.” Narfi invites the Amethyst Dragon too; Vashon: “Yes, I’m going to unleash my breath all over them.” Everyone avoids the Hollow Dragon, who is “it”: “Too many cooties.”
26. 0:29:57 Squares are 10 ft; the Arbiter narrows the field after complaints that the dragons are too far apart.

Round 1 — the sky

27. 0:31:46 Initiative: the Amethyst Dragon first, then (by later turns) the Topaz Dragon; the Dracohydra low.
28. 0:32:01 — Gravity breath. Vashon: “I promised to dip my raspberries in your lemonade and I will deliver.” (The GM: “I thought he said blackberries.” Narfi: “He doesn’t know the difference between his berries… I just hope he knows where his berries are.”) He inhales; the crystals in his lungs crack and wheeze, and he expels “my gravitational amethyst breath” at “Draco Malfoy and Topaz Queen,” changing “the gravitational pull of your existence.” The Topaz Dragon saves; the Dracohydra fails, takes the full blast and its speed drops to zero. GM: “Is this blackberry juice you’re spewing?” “This is my blackberry juice.”
29. 0:33:54 — The first head. The damage is enough to lop off one of the Dracohydra’s heads. Narfi: “For when you cut off one head of the Hydra, two more will grow in its place.” (30 damage in one turn costs a head; two regrow at the end of its turn, each with health.) Vashon appeals that with zero speed the heads shouldn’t grow back; the GM rules speed and regeneration are separate effects. Narfi: “We are growers, not showers.”
30. 0:35:55 The Amethyst Dragon uses Psychic Step and flies 160 ft away to the far top-left corner (“butt fuck nowhere… I think it’s in Nebraska”). Narfi: “It stings us and then leaves? This is not how you play tag.” On perception the Dracohydra loses sight of him among the passing clouds.
31. 0:37:38 — The crystal. The Topaz Dragon: “Who chooses to run from a fight like this? How dare you?” She calls the Hollow Dragon “this dumb hollow dragon” (“No, you’re dumb”). Everyone is out of reach except the giant crystal. To the Dracohydra: “Do you like shiny things?” “We love the shinies.” She tries to grab the crystal along with her egg. It’s too big to hold; it spins and goes white hot, and the whole map shifts.

The Amethyst Dragon’s lair — the cave behind the waterfall

32. 0:38:38 They find themselves in a cave behind a waterfall, the green crystal now buried deep in it. The Arbiter: “Amethyst Dragon, this cave seems very familiar to you. It is your lair.” Vashon: “I’m coming home, I’m coming home.” He gains a lair action at the top of each round. Initiative is rerolled; (“Bullshit!”, speaker uncertain) the Amethyst Dragon goes first again. GM: “When you complain like a bitch, you don’t get cool, badass moves.” Vashon: “This is my world now. You are in my land.” GM: “That the Arbiter brought you to.”
33. 0:41:23 — The sandwiches. The GM asks for the welcome-home treatment: “You got like a living room or a nice kitchen?” The table jokes about whether a lair action is “making you guys a sandwich,” and who the sandwich is.
34. 0:42:10 — Beguiling whispers. Vashon’s lair action whispers to the Grandmaster’s aspect (DC 15 Wisdom). She hears the voice (“Are we playing Telephone?”), and he says it was “just saying that sandwiches will be ready soon.” GM: “I knew I liked him. I love sandwiches.” Vashon: “crostinis and chicken salad on chicken biscuits.” Narfi: “Don’t let him give us the lettuce wrap sandwich.” Arbiter: “I’m not hungry. I ate before I went to the concession stand.” GM: “This is the best homecoming we’ve had yet.”
35. 0:43:38 — “Pork chop sandwiches.” His breath doesn’t recharge. He flies 80 ft and claws and bites the Topaz Dragon three times, all hits (“Sandwiches! I know what I’m gonna sandwich!”). He Psychic Steps out again. GM: “Hit and run, hit and run.” She wonders: “Oh wait, are we the home invaders?” Narfi: “How were the sandwiches though?” She turns her head, her face clearly scarred: “Does it look like the sandwiches were good?”
36. 0:47:30 — Booming Scales. The Hollow Dragon flies into the middle of the pocket. The armor held up by its ethereal form glows white hot, then explodes, shattering in all directions (DC 19 Con). Both the Topaz Dragon and the Dracohydra save and take half thunder damage. The armor sucks back together into its ethereal form. This uses all three of his legendary actions. Narfi: “Be careful, you are heating the lemonades… That was really wicked.”
37. 0:50:13 — The waterbender. The Topaz Dragon looks out at the raging waterfall and uses control water to redirect it at the Hollow Dragon “like a frickin’ fire hydrant,” to put out its flames. “Yes, I am a waterbender. Everyone recognize this. A waterbending dragon.” She rears on her hind legs, wings open, and bends the water through the rocks (Arbiter: “Squirtle, squirtle… Blastoise”). Run as a whirlpool, DC 19 Dex: the Hollow Dragon saves and takes half. Narfi: “You didn’t know you got splash zone seats, did you?” Her legendary claw misses.
38. 0:53:52 — The insult. The Topaz Dragon mocks him instead: “You don’t even have a real body… We would knock on you and it’s empty. I bet the same thing is for your skull. You don’t even have a brain up there. That’s why you’re called a hollow dragon because nothing’s in you whatsoever. No heart, no brain, and probably not even a soul within it. I hope that cuts deep.”
39. 0:54:31 — Union talk. The Hollow Dragon turns to the Dracohydra: “Hey, Narfissus… She’s the one who not only is making you fight to the death, but also is the one that refuses to pay you more than minimum wage.” The Topaz Dragon: “I’m the aspect. I’m not the same as her up there… I can die down here.” Narfi: “She offered us ice for the lemonade.” Hollow: “if we rise up as a worker force, we could take our benefits and we could own the supply of the ice… We could control the means of production of the ice.” Narfi: “this is how you get us both fired by doing this union talk at work.”
40. 0:55:24 Topaz: “Enough! Your dumb brain can’t even make a half decent argument.” Her intimidation beats the Hollow Dragon’s Wisdom: he has disadvantage attacking her. Mudcat (OOC): “This co-DM thing is fucking stupid.” GM: “Consequences can happen to you, too.” Topaz: “My claws may not hit, but my words find their home.”
41. 0:56:38 — Four heads bite. The Dracohydra, still stuck at speed zero and down to four heads, makes four bites at the Hollow Dragon. Two hit. The Hollow Dragon’s etherealness shifts around so the heads bite at loose armor pieces. The severed neck flails, squirting dragon blood everywhere; the 10-ft area becomes difficult terrain.
42. 0:59:18 Narfi to the Hollow Dragon: “Boss is good for us. I will not unionize.” Hollow: “It’s just time for the workers to rise up.” Narfi: “You make a compelling argument, but I still feel afraid of losing the benefits… It’s kind of a nice workplace. It’s a lot of flexibility.” The GM: “Enough! We can make agreements afterwards. Your work balance will be addressed and your needs will be heard. We will have a convening meeting with all of our vendors and caterers at the end of this session.” Narfi: “Just no more committees. I cannot be on any more committees.”
43. 1:00:14 — Two heads grow. “That noodley neck turns rigid… it splits down, and it is gross, because it is not clean, it’s not magical, it is just very anatomical”: heads grow from each side. Six heads, plus 20 HP. Mudcat: “This thing would be so insane to fight as a party.”

Chaos event — the fungus (1:01:24)

44. Because they’re in his lair, the Amethyst Dragon rolls (2). Cold, damp nooks of the cavern sprout little mushrooms; four are placed on the field and can be interacted with. GM: “there is definitely a fungus among us.”
45. 1:03:03 — Tag rulings. The Hollow Dragon claims his explosion tagged both of them. GM: “The explosion doesn’t count. You actually have to touch.” (“Phrasing… I exploded on you.”) The Dracohydra’s bite tagged him, so the Dracohydra is now “it.” Two rounds of tag left, four until the egg hatches.

Round 2 — the projection and the bedroom

47. 1:07:07 — The mushroom. The projection slips behind the Dracohydra and picks a mushroom to eat. It is a healing mushroom, but the GM and Arbiter rule it has no effect on a projection. The projection’s claw at the Dracohydra rolls a nat 1 and whiffs. Vashon: “My projection is a bitch.”
48. 1:09:21 — Shame. The Topaz Dragon to the real Amethyst: “you came over here and you clawed me half to death. And then there’s this thing… There’s like a million targets and it can’t hit a single one of those.” Vashon: “I know, I’m embarrassed.” He goes back into his room and shuts the door: “I’m not coming out of here until this is over.”
49. 1:09:53 — Sapping Presence. The light in the Hollow Dragon’s armor draws in the energy of the bodies around it (DC 19 Wisdom). The Dracohydra fails; the GM grants it a reroll because it has multiple heads (“Let’s see which head’s smarter”); it still fails: half speed and disadvantage. GM: “I’m going to send you to school if we get out of this… a full ride to whatever university you choose.” Narfi: “These are the benefits we’re talking about.” The Topaz Dragon succeeds (“I was already immune to your sapping presence. I’m around you all the time.”). The Hollow Dragon grows a little, bolstered by their vitality.
50. 1:12:43 — Running the gauntlet. The Hollow Dragon flies off toward a mushroom and takes the opportunity attacks: six bites from the Dracohydra at disadvantage (one glancing hit) and a big bite from the Topaz Dragon with necrotic damage (“I got big teeth”). He eats the mushroom: it’s poisonous (“It’s poisonous, bitch!”), but he’s immune to poison. GM: “Then I guess you get some, a nice salad.”
51. 1:16:16 — Anti-life shell. The Topaz Dragon (“I was looking at my big teeth and little arms”) doesn’t feel safe and casts anti-life shell, a shimmering 10-ft barrier that keeps out creatures that aren’t undead or constructs. Hollow: “I might be an undead.” Narfi: “It’s so beautiful. Look at it. It’s so shiny.”
52. 1:17:30 — The pep talk. She flies 80 ft to the Amethyst Dragon’s “bedroom” (it has three-quarter walls; Narfi: “You must live in LA… You just get the tiny studio”) and knocks: “When you make a good sandwich, you finish it.” “You’re like the strongest one here and it’s your home.” Vashon: “I’m embarrassed because of my performance.” Topaz: “Don’t let that run your name through the mud. You are the Amethyst Dragon.” Vashon: “I’m not coming out until I watch this episode of Diego.” Persuasion 16: he cracks the door open, one little claw hanging out: “I’m still not ready yet. Give me a sec.”
53. 1:20:08 — Rickrolled. The Dracohydra, which doesn’t know it’s a projection (“Finally, it comes for us. We end it now”), bites the spectral dragon. It hits, but nothing happens; the projection starts to rickroll it (“Never gonna let you down”). Narfi: “Why is it singing? Is that what was in the mushroom? Is it a singing mushroom?” “I feel like I am being tricked.” Its breath weapon won’t recharge.
54. 1:22:27 — Vomit bomb. At the end of the round, the Amethyst Dragon comes out of his bedroom door coughing and spits an explosive amethyst crystal at the Topaz Dragon (DC 20 Dex). It bounces off her anti-life shell. Narfi: “I am rubber and you are glue.” GM: “Did you just try to throw up on me?… I was offering to help you, not be your vomit bucket.” A coin flip sends the ricochet toward the Hollow Dragon, who fails (+1 Dex: “Fuck, I’m a dragon”), takes force damage and is knocked prone: “Dragons can be prone.” The armor clatters to the ground around a pool of etherealness with a talking mouth, “like one of those puppets… when you let them go, they just collapse into a puddle.”
55. 1:26:11 — Timeout. Up at her seat next to Doug the Pug (“Never forget Doug the Pug”), the Grandmaster craves lemonade and calls a timeout. Narfi insists the stand is covered: “Todd is there working the lemonade stand.” Vashon: “Todd is there on my blackberries.” Narfi: “I swear to God, Todd, if you did not keep the lemonade from getting tainted by the blackberries, I will use one of my six heads to snap you in half.” The Arbiter: Todd is slip-sliding on the floor without restaurant shoes. The GM asks Doug if he wants lemonade: “When we come back, we will find out if it’s a bone day.” Break at 1:27:26.

After the break

56. 1:27:49 — Wes Wolf’s painting. The Arbiter shouts out an Acolyte “up in the nosebleeds,” Wes Wolf, who commissioned a painting of Doug the Pug for them; the artist is Saint Cinder. GM: “the most adorable Doug the Pug.”
57. 1:28:57 — No bones. A coin flip: it’s a no bones day. “That does not bode well for us.” To counter the “no bones juju,” the GM gives every dragon a 1d4 inspiration. “Gotta shake it off.”

Round 3

58. 1:30:08 The spectral projection ruled not to have passed on “it” (it’s like attacking a ghost). The Dracohydra is still it.
59. 1:30:53 — A head for a head. The spectral dragon claws and bites the Dracohydra; the teeth gnaw into a neck, blood gushing, and rip off one of its heads. Narfi: “Why, why do you hurt us… oh wait, we’re friends.” Robear to the Hollow Dragon: “You got no bones, bro.” GM: “Doug said there are no bones, and if you only have bones, there’s nothing left of you.”
60. 1:33:10 — Dispel. The Amethyst Dragon casts dispel magic on the Topaz Dragon. Her shield mists away “as if a curtain just dropped from the sky,” leaving her vulnerable. (“Sneaky, sneaky, but the shines see right through your magic!”, speaker uncertain.) He then crouches on all fours over the green crystal, hovering without touching it: “It is my egg now.” “I want to stay home. It’s scary everywhere else.”
61. 1:34:39 — Radiant Breath. The Hollow Dragon unleashes a 60-ft cone of Radiant Breath. The Amethyst Dragon rolls a nat 20 and is shielded by the cave (“I closed my bedroom door”); the Topaz Dragon saves for half. Mudcat: “I hate this place.”
62. 1:37:05 — Blame. A spat between the Hollow and Amethyst Dragons over who hit whom (speakers partly uncertain): “Hey, why’d you try to hit me, dick?” “She had the magic up all around her and it bounced off, but I dispelled it now.” “Yeah, sure, that’s a likely story.” “I didn’t try to hit you, it wasn’t my fault.” Vashon: “I’m gonna put my blackberries all over your drum set if you try to hit me.”
63. 1:37:48 — Desiccating Breath. The Topaz Dragon: “If we’re all just going to be breathing and throwing up everything here, I’ll show you how it’s done.” Her jaw opens wide and a 90-ft cone of yellowish necrotic energy pours out: “I didn’t brush my teeth lately, so suck it.” Both save; the Hollow Dragon is resistant to necrotic. The Amethyst Dragon holds his projection. Mudcat proposes doubling DCs for dragon combat.
64. 1:40:23 — The crystal standoff. “All I want is that freaking crystal.” The Amethyst Dragon is immune to being knocked prone (“I’m so fat… I’m just such a chunker”). The Topaz Dragon tries to shove him off it and fails. Vashon: “No, get away from me. This is my room.” Topaz: “Keep your door closed. Stay in there forever.” Vashon: “I put on my Walkman and put Goo Goo Dolls’ Iris back on.”
65. 1:42:23 — Lighter by a head. The Dracohydra’s fly speed is only 30 (“a lot of head weight”). The Arbiter rules every 30 damage costs a head, and its flight speed doubles for each head lost. Narfi: “I feel light enough to fly further now. This is nice. Working here is great.” A history check shows it which dragons resisted what.
66. 1:44:33 — Prismatic Breath. All its heads angle forward and spew a colorful spray, every element in it, but mainly crackling lightning, over the whole corner of the cave. The Amethyst and Hollow Dragons both fail. Narfi: “You see, for we have many heads, we have strong breath weapon.” Vashon: “If your breath is strong, we can smell it.” Narfi: “I’m sensitive about that… Will it help if I did more lemonade?” “I think the lemonade’s the problem.” “The lemonade is never the problem.”
67. 1:46:37 — Seven heads. The neck splits “down the middle and peels off into two like string cheese.” Seven heads, +20 HP. Mudcat: “I don’t know how we’re going to beat him.”
68. 1:47:47 — Tag ends. Doug the Pug is satisfied with the GM’s 17. The tag game is over and the Dracohydra forgot to tag anyone: a little red X appears on its clawed hand, glows and explodes. “What is this black magic?” “It’s the game of tag.” Arbiter: “a very different episode of a game of tag than we saw last time… With the worm and the explosions.” It’s only a small amount of damage; the Arbiter wanted 30d6 (“Somebody’s out here to play death tag”). Narfi: “Like Extreme Tag?” The egg hatches at the end of the next round.

Round 4 — the GM doubles everything

69. 1:49:48 The Amethyst Dragon nearly drops the projection, then keeps it. Lair action: Force Cage on the Topaz Dragon to “put this cage up and then snatch that egg.” Narfi: “Are you sending her to her room?” She passes the Charisma save (“I will survive one way or another”). Narfi: “This is why you are a boss. You are very charismatic.”
70. 1:52:32 — Two nat 1s. The projection tries to snatch the egg and rolls another nat 1. The GM rules the projection is gone, and declares: “Arbiter, from here on out, every punishment, every consequence, and every good thing will be doubled in effect. I’m tired of this. You are too kind on this field.” Arbiter: “I just thought you’d like to watch the dragons kind of do their thing.”
71. 1:53:33 — Breath of singularity. His breath recharges: “I’m going to unleash the breath of singularity on all of you. This is my home!” (DC 20 Str.) The Hollow Dragon spends a legendary resistance. The Topaz Dragon fails, and the new doubling rule doubles her damage: “That consequence doubled the damage for me… It’s gonna come back and bite me.” Her speed drops to zero. The Dracohydra is hit but loses no head.
72. 1:55:38 — The Hollow Dragon’s turn. The GM needles him: the Amethyst Dragon says he’s on his team “yet he continues to hit you.” Hollow: “Hey, listen, lady, I already attacked him… quit nagging me. I’m working on it.” He tries to rally: “It is our time to rise against this Amethyst Dragon… We should unionize against the Amethyst Dragon.” (Charisma DC 18; it fails. GM: “Those were nice words.”) He charges to shove the Amethyst Dragon off the crystal (strength vs strength, using his d4) and fails; his claw misses. Vashon: “This is my home!” GM: “Look at this scaredy cat! We have so many different homes we can go visit and yet this butthead doesn’t want to go visit anyone else’s home!” Narfi on visiting his home: “I didn’t clean. I need a little more time.”
73. 1:58:08 — The dog pile. The Topaz Dragon’s speed is zero, but the Arbiter rules teleportation isn’t movement. She teleports 60 ft and tries to sit on the Amethyst Dragon, to make “this darn stupid, stubborn Amethyst Dragon crush the crystal with his own weight.” Vashon: “So it’s a dog pile!” (“It’s called RP… I don’t know if you guys have heard of this thing where we tell a story.”) He rolls a nat 20 and holds, but she ends up sitting on top of him. Vashon: “I have a feeling I’m gonna die on the crystal. This will be my grave.” GM: “Gotta respect the dedication.”
74. 2:01:16 — The neck bite. She latches on from behind with a nat 20, biting down into his neck, then lands both claws, one for max damage. “Why won’t you just hit the crystal? I’d leave you alone if you let me go to the crystal.” Vashon: “I want to stay home.” Topaz: “You could be so much more braver than this. I believed in you. We were all believing in you. You were the best of us!”
75. 2:03:18 Arbiter: “Grandmaster, you’re laying it on a little thick… I feel like those acting classes are kind of getting to your head.” GM: “my improv coach said to really push it to the limit.” “You’ve yes-anded your way way past the limit.” “Fine, fine. I’ll say a few no-ands.”
76. 2:03:50 — The sneaky snake. Narfi: “This looks like the cutest little cuddle puddle we have ever seen.” The Dracohydra’s “one smart head” plans to slip in under the Amethyst Dragon’s legs to bite the crystal while the other heads distract. Its Dex beats his Wisdom (“One could call this the sneaky snake”). The Amethyst Dragon Psychic Steps away with his last legendary action (“Deuces. I don’t want a part of this”), so all six distracting heads bite the Hollow Dragon. All six hit, three for max damage, 78 in total. “The hollow dragon is looking very bloody.”
77. 2:08:00 Narfi: “You see, boss, this is what we can do with our many heads. We have numbers on our side.” Hollow: “You’re basically the ideal unionized worker in one body. Why are you doing this?” Narfi: “You told us it was a fight to the death. We fight to the death.” Hollow: “Yeah, but that’s if you want to listen to the bourgeoisie.”
78. 2:08:27 — The seventh head touches the crystal. Coin flip. They are whisked away to a castle tower on a remote island in the sea, with waves crashing around: the Topaz Dragon’s lair.

The Topaz Dragon’s lair — the island tower

79. 2:09:23 Topaz: “Welcome home, everyone. Come. Stand on the edge and feel the salty sea breeze against your scales. Open your wings and let that wind catch you. This is where beauty lies.” Narfi: “Always wanted a beach vacation.” “Lots of fish.” Narfi: “With many heads, we are more communicative now. Our charismas are better.” Initiative is rerolled (the Dracohydra rolls a 6 “every time”); the Topaz Dragon goes first.

Round 5 — Junior Topaz

80. 2:10:48 — The hatching. Since no one took it from her, the egg cracks and a tiny wyrmling pops out, bonded to her: “Junior Topaz.” The table: “Junior Topaz is a NASCAR name,” “Junior McTopaz,” “my little Mick chicken,” “little dragon nugget”; it looks “like a little baby Charizard.” “This is like bird kind of level, like push you right out of the nest.” She sends it at the Hollow Dragon: it misses and just gnaws on his leg (“more like a gummy”). Hollow: “Get off me… That’s not the dragon teeth that you’re looking for.” Topaz: “Keep chewing, you’ll get there in time.”
81. 2:13:34 — The mirror game. Her lair action: she uses beguiling whispers back on the Amethyst Dragon. He just makes the save. Vashon: “You think I didn’t know what you were trying? I was allowing you to think we were making sandwiches.” Topaz: “I was just gonna have you make sandwiches. You were gonna have fish sandwiches.” Vashon: “Maybe if you asked me nicely…” Topaz: “Will you make a sandwich for us?” Vashon: “Let’s kill the other two and make sandwiches.”
82. 2:14:50 — The offer. Topaz: “If you kill Hollow, you can join our team.” Hollow: “Hey, I can hear you.” Narfi: “That’s pretty fucked up… but if Boss wants it, he has to join the many heads.” Topaz: “He has to kill Hollow and also make us really good sandwiches.”
83. 2:15:24 — The double-cross. The Amethyst Dragon sends the Hollow Dragon a psychic message: “Don’t worry, I’m totally gonna double-cross them, and then we will make sandwiches.” Hollow: “So like, we’re still, you and I, we’re still cool?” He believes him (“I like turkey… hoagie buns… grinders”).
84. 2:16:18 — The perch. The Topaz Dragon holds her action (“I want sandwiches first and foremost!”) and perches on a tall ball atop her tower, 30 ft up: “This is where I like to look out and watch the giant squid. Give me a show!”
85. 2:17:05 The Hollow Dragon has no breath (“Sorry, Ghost Rider”). He flies up at her; Junior Topaz’s opportunity bite misses; his bite (piercing and radiant) and one claw hit her. Topaz: “Don’t you see you’re at your own demise here?”
86. 2:18:39 — The beanbag chair. Hollow: “Listen, I’ve had enough of your shit. One day, me and the Arbiter, we’re going to kill all of you. This place will be ours. We’re going to get like a beanbag chair and like over there, we’re going to put like a soda fountain.”
87. 2:18:58 — The talk. The Grandmaster looks over: “Care to explain what your aspect is saying?” Arbiter: “Grandmaster, this happened last time too. You know that he doesn’t speak for me. He just gets worked up in the heat of the battle. It’s just trash talk.” GM: “It has to come from a certain place, doesn’t it?” Arbiter: “he’s the things of me that I put out there… the things you don’t listen to.” GM: “we’re gonna have a long talk later.” Arbiter: “nothing happened last time… he looks like an idiot, you can’t take him at his word.” GM: “Fine, we’ll ignore the idiot this time.”
88. 2:20:06 — Feeding the many. The Amethyst Dragon’s breath recharges. He makes a Wisdom save “for myself” (“Choices will be made”). Vashon: “If we are all going to eat sandwiches, and we want to have whole sandwiches for ourselves, we must kill the Hydra. It will eat all of our sandwiches before we get any.” (“He’s got seven heads. We can’t afford to feed that many heads.”) Narfi: “It’s still just one stomach.” (“The working class must die!”, speaker uncertain.) GM: “That’s kind of fair, actually.” Vashon: “In order for us to eat, we must destroy the mouths of the many.” Mudcat: “My entire political stance has just changed.” The breath hits the Dracohydra, which fails, and another head is lopped off. Narfi: “It hurts us again.”
89. 2:21:54 The Amethyst Dragon flies and steps up to a taller perch 40 ft up. Vashon: “I feel so free. We’re all so far away from the Dracohydra who has the least movement.” Mudcat: “Big heads, little tiny feet.”
90. 2:23:16 — The appeal. The Dracohydra prays to the Grandmaster: “Boss, please give us the ability to vanquish your foes. And use our many heads to clear them from this battlefield in a vicious, bloody fray. And with that, we will make many dragon sandwiches… more for my heads and for yours.” Arbiter: “who does he mean, his foes? Is he talking about us?” GM: “That’s our aspects. Those aren’t the same thing.” “Definitely not the same thing as what we think and do.” She grants a Strength roll to push off the ground: it succeeds, giving 30 more feet. The Dracohydra jumps on its stumpy legs, the ground crumpling beneath it, flies halfway up and unleashes poison Prismatic Breath at the Amethyst Dragon. He declares a legendary resistance (and has his d4) and saves for half. Narfi: “You will have delicious, delicious dragon sandwiches.” The neck splits again: eight heads, +20. Vashon: “Eight heads is too much.”
91. 2:27:38 — Doug’s laser eye. The end-of-round roll is a sad 6. Doug the Pug, “disappointed in you,” adds 7 (with a laser eye), making 13, enough to trigger a change. GM: “Take us, dear Arbiter, to our final map.” Narfi: “I think I picked up all my socks. We can go to my house if we need to.” “I don’t think I have a lair.”

The Dracohydra’s lair — the underwater cavern

92. 2:28:44 Arbiter: “You don’t have lair actions, but I made you one anyway.” The water rises and a giant wave sweeps over the tower, carrying them into the Hydra’s lair: an underwater cavern, the green crystal 160 ft down at the bottom of a well of water. The Arbiter has put magic in the water so everyone can breathe. The Dracohydra’s movement is doubled again in the water. Narfi: “I feel so much more nimbly bimbly here. We are the most speediest.”
93. 2:29:39 The Amethyst Dragon rolls 5 for initiative and spends a legendary resistance to reroll it: 13. The Topaz Dragon (18) goes first. “Also, don’t forget my Wyrmling.” “My baby.”

Round 6 — the Hollow Dragon dies

94. 2:31:59 Topaz: “I’ve made too many bonds. Well, I never made one with you, so I’m going to attack the hollow dragon.” “I don’t like you enough.” Her bite (part necrotic) finishes him.
95. 2:32:46 — The Hollow Dragon’s last words: “One day, I’ll be back. And the Arbiter and I are going to sit in that beanbag chair together eating cheese puffs. And you’ll be dead. Or maybe we’ll skin you and make you into a footstool or something.” The light inside the armor fades; the armor pieces shoot off in every direction across the cavern and slowly float to the bottom, disassembled.
96. 2:33:39 — The skull. The Topaz Dragon catches his skull and holds it up to the Grandmaster and the Arbiter: “A gift that our greatness still stands in this arena and that everyone knows their place.” She looks at the Arbiter and crushes the skull in her claws. Arbiter: “That’s not fair.” GM: “It’s a fair battle. What do you mean it’s not fair?” She swims to catch up with her wyrmling.
97. 2:34:48 — Team Hollow. The Amethyst Dragon’s breath comes back. Vashon: “Once team hollow, always team hollow. Sandwiches will be all mine now.” Narfi: “You tried the stinging again. Welcome to the sea this time.” Singularity breath on both (DC 20 Str). The Dracohydra fails; the Topaz Dragon succeeds with her d4; Junior Topaz fails and dies. “You killed the baby.” The Dracohydra loses another head (seven left) and its speed is zero again; the Topaz Dragon survives with 3 HP.
98. 2:36:31 The Amethyst Dragon uses Psychic Step and his full movement to flee to the edge of the map: “And like a little bitch, I am out.”
99. 2:37:14 — On cowardice. Arbiter: “Grandmaster, how is it that every time we have a deathmatch, we seem to get the most cowardly people to fight? Shouldn’t they be excited to fight to the death?” GM: “The arena brings out the strategies of many. Perhaps running away is a way to survive.” Arbiter: “it’s lame… there’s all these people watching.” GM: “I suppose they can live with that embarrassment rather than die with their pride.” Arbiter: “if you call that living.”
100. 2:37:48 — The nacho splash zone. The Arbiter eats a handful of nachos and washes them down with lemonade through a straw, then chucks the cup and the nachos off the balcony onto the Acolytes below. They scream with excitement, covered in nacho cheese: “It’s the nacho splash zone!” “Cheese me! Cheese me!” There is a small sect of Acolytes who sit just below the Arbiter and are only there to be covered in nacho cheese (“the dudes in Mad Max with the chrome, but it’s just cheese”).
101. 2:38:52 — Hold and carry. The Dracohydra can’t move. Narfi: “Boss, boss… We must do something.” GM: “How much have you actually done in this thing?” Narfi: “Well, there was one round I did 78 points of damage.” “That’s true.” The plan: it holds a bite while the Topaz Dragon teleports it into range. Nine heads, +20. Mudcat: “I’m surprised that his health is as low as it is.”

Round 7 — the Topaz Dragon dies

102. 2:41:17 The Topaz Dragon spends her hero point to drag the Dracohydra 60 ft with her psionic teleport (a DC 24 Wisdom check, passed). They’re 70 ft from the Amethyst Dragon.
103. 2:42:42 — Whirlpool. No breath (“Are you kidding me?”). She uses control water to raise a whirlpool around the Amethyst Dragon, a cone pulling upward. He makes the Strength save, takes a little bludgeoning damage and isn’t caught in the vortex.
104. 2:45:45 — Lined up. “Oh man, we’re standing right next to each other. This is stupid. We can both die right here.” His breath recharges again (“Broken dice”). Singularity breath on both; both roll low. The Topaz Dragon spends her last legendary resistance to succeed, but at 3 HP she still dies: “That breath comes my way and it begins to push me back further and further as I dissipate in this singularity breath, eating away at my flesh until just the little school of fishies that come by nip away the rest of my body. Completely gone.” The Dracohydra loses another head, “still up, but looking real bloody.” The whirlpool ends with her.
105. 2:47:52 The Amethyst Dragon teleports straight up, “like chess, you got your king left.” They’re about 90 ft apart. The Dracohydra still can’t move and has no breath. GM: “This is close enough to death, so do know running away is no longer an option. I encourage you to be brave, at least by the very end, Amethyst.” Narfi: “But at least we still have room for one more head.” Ten heads, +20. Mudcat: “now we’re going to have to fight one of these like next week.”

Round 8 — the final exchange

106. 2:50:34 Vashon: “I’m not gonna be a bitch and just keep going around and around where you can’t get me. If I get my breath weapon, it’s going down. If not, I’m flying right at you and I’m doing claw claw bite. This is it for all the marbles, baby.” It recharges again (“Every single time, it delivers”). The Dracohydra makes the DC 20 Strength save (23): “We are stronger.” No head lost. “Them stubby legs are still going through this water.”
107. 2:52:13 The GM halves the Amethyst Dragon’s movement for running (“Every single time, you have taken your full flight”). Vashon: “I am not running away. I am dancing around.” GM: “End in bravery, whatever that looks like for you.”
108. 2:52:54 — The kill. Narfi: “It is our time.” The Dracohydra charges at full head of steam with all ten heads and makes ten bite attacks. “Like chum water… a scary ball of dragon heads. Nomming them up.” The Amethyst Dragon dies. Vashon: “Hence I win. I’ve taken this victory. I won’t let D20 Deathmatch deny me.” “Sandwiches are mine. This sandwich is so good.” (Inferred: his last words are a dying delusion, from “I will put my hands up” and the bites landing at 2:53:41.)
109. 2:54:32 — The victor. GM: “There is blood in the water and that is enough for our fight. Our dragons have fought valiantly and there before us stands our lemonade stand… our absolute winner of this evening. The odds were stacked against you. … here you stand, our Dracohydra.” Asked for words to the Acolytes, Narfi: “I say to them, we say to them, Half-priced lemonade for all.” GM: “You heard this! Half-priced lemonade for all!” “Welcome and good night to D20 Deathmatch!”

Full Dried Blood notes (click to expand)

In character (canon, Dried Blood)

• 3:03:07 Narfi (Dracohydra): “We are many heads. We win because we are smarter with heads put together.”
• 3:03:18 Narfi, now back to himself (“Now I’m back to Narfi”): “this is good things for Lemonade Stand… we got some opportunities for growth… we might even add some of your Blackberry Lemonade in. I don’t know if you still feel that way, Mr. Varshan or Narshan or Varshan?”
• 3:05:16 Narfi’s final words: “When one head has an idea, it’s best to listen. Or maybe the idea is good. Maybe the idea is to make sandwiches, but at least you have an idea… listen to those voices and bite the shit out of anything you see, especially if you have a lot of heads.” (Delivered in Narfi’s voice, tagged 01; in character.)

Out of character (creator notes)

• Narfi’s win “has an asterisk like Barry Bonds.” The table finds the Dracohydra’s regrowth mechanic (20 HP back per turn) huge, and the head-splitting “super gross… a neck getting viscerally ripped in half.”
• CaptainRobear chose the Amethyst Dragon because of a meme about buying amethyst dice that weren’t his birthstone. It turned out to be “an absolute beast”: 140 ft of movement per turn and blink (into the ethereal plane), which he chose not to use.
• Feisty praises keeping lairs and legendary actions. Mudcat’s original plan was four lair maps in a grid “as if these four biomes were brought together,” but all the chosen dragons had water lairs, so he switched maps as they went, enlarged lairs and increased movement.
• The Hollow Dragon’s comeback, ruined: its card says that after 1d6 days, if all its pieces are within six miles of each other, it returns to life at full health. Mudcat planned to revive it in a few rounds at lower health; when Caustic Phoenix crushed the skull he DM’d her “did you read my card?” She hadn’t read any of the cards (not even her own lair actions or breath). She adds that the crush “was also… motivated by the character because your arbiter said some real shitty things.”
• The adult Amethyst Dragon had 211 HP; the ancient version has about 450 HP, CR 23, with plane shift and globe of invulnerability. CRs tonight: Dracohydra 11, adult Amethyst 16, Topaz 20, Hollow 18.
• The Dracohydra lacks the usual hydra resistances; it only has advantage against stun/incapacitate effects.
• The Dragon Battle Royale was Captain Robear’s idea, to show off Fizban’s. Mudcat and Caustic Phoenix had wanted a monster battle royale since the show began; Feisty: “thanks for having me on for your inaugural monster battle.”