S3E9 — Fire Heart — Alyndra Morlynn v Minh Lý

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Minh Lý, the bare-chested, sword-dancing “Freshmaker,” faced Alyndra Morlynn, a starlit elf who came looking for glory, at the Grandmaster’s favourite waterfall hideaway. For most of the fight it was a comedy of bulging muscles, a swole Box of Chaos and a dog with too many eyes. Then it turned into one of the most heartfelt endings in the arena’s history. When the meteors fell, the two rivals held hands, and the dying Freshmaker spent his last breath saving the woman who had killed him.

The Story

Ping Pong at the Dread Fortress

The episode opened in The Dread Fortress, where the Arbiter was still in chains as a prisoner. Following a sound down the halls, he clanked into a room nobody had seen before: a brand-new game room. It held ping pong, air hockey, arcade machines, a soda fountain, and a pair of neon signs reading “Grandmaster forever” and “the Arbiter sucks.” The Grandmaster froze mid-rally with a paddle in her hand. On the other side of the table stood her opponent, Doug, the cyborg zombie pug. “He’s very good. I can’t help it. I have yet to beat him,” she admitted.

The Arbiter glared at Doug with “the most hatred anyone could ever have for anything.” His eyes blazed with fire, and the ping pong ball melted on the spot. Doug was unbothered. He trotted to his dog-height ball cabinet, took out a fresh ball, hopped back onto the table, looked the Arbiter dead in the eye and farted in his direction.

The Arbiter reminded everyone that they had a Deathmatch to get to. The Grandmaster had completely forgotten and blamed Doug for it. She then counted the two champions the Arbiter had brought: “Math. One, one, two… I’m a good leader. I promise.”

Two Champions and a Painting

The Arbiter’s clap ripped open a portal. Through it came Minh Lý, winking at everyone and striking a pose. He carried a longsword tied up with “a really dainty ribbon.” Doug sniffed his toe and danced around the ribbon, and Minh fell instantly in love: “I love this dog. And if anything were to happen to this dog, I would kill everyone in the room.” The Grandmaster called him “a fighter after my own heart.”

Alyndra Morlynn followed. She had long pointed ears, hair “made of starlight,” and glittering chain mail so spotless it looked “like a cosplay before you do the weathering.” She announced she had heard this was “the place for glory.” When the Grandmaster asked whether she was dabbing, Alyndra corrected her: “No, this is my signature pose.”

A goblin named Theodore ran out with an easel to paint the two champions. The Arbiter photobombed the portrait in his most regal chained pose, and the Grandmaster complimented his “nice bubble butt in the picture.” The finished painting turned out to be a watercolour of three stick figures. The Grandmaster explained that Theodore was going to art school soon, and that all proceeds from the day’s battle would fund his scholarship. The hosts then listed the Dread Fortress’s staff benefits: dental, a 401K, generous PTO, and a union-friendly workplace. Minh was so impressed that he vowed to “try to die less now that I’ve heard this.”

Into the Waterfall

For the arena, the Grandmaster asked for “one of my favorite old spots.” This was where she liked to escape with “a couple of books, a bottle of wine.” It was a river at the top of a roaring waterfall, under magical trees full of glittering fairies and fireflies. The Acolytes sparkled in the mist above “like the stars themselves,” throwing popcorn that little birds swooped down to catch. The Arbiter set the champions on opposite banks of a knee-deep, fast-flowing river and declared: “Acolytes, watch these two fill the water with blood.”

Minh opened by pulling off his top and going bare-chested. “You don’t need armor when you have mage armor,” he said. His posing drove rows K through L into a swooning wave, and a bachelorette party joined in. One magically gifted Acolyte blew him a kiss that blessed his next blow. Alyndra had her own fan: Corrin, up in the nosebleed seats, cheered so hard they tripped down the stairs and turned it into a somersault. That gave Alyndra the edge she needed, and she landed the first cut.

The crowd soon chanted “Freshmaker, Freshmaker,” which drifted out of sync into “French Baker, French Baker, fresh bacon, fresh bacon.” Minh began his bladesong, but his first swing only grazed her armour. The crowd went wild and granted both champions a hero point, and the Acolytes threw down “their bras, their underwear, their stinky socks.” Alyndra knocked Minh flat, struck her signature pose over him, and hit him again. She then politely backed off to give him room to get up. The Acolytes answered her “The stars will always guide you” with a laser show from their compact mirrors. At the round’s end Doug hopped onto his pedestal and threw his squeaky toy die. It rolled higher than the Arbiter’s, and the Arbiter flipped him off.

Gerald Gets Swole

With a snap, Gerald slammed down onto a rock in the middle of the river. His pink and yellow flames gave off no heat, and his yellow eyes peered over the rim. Before anyone could reach him, though, the squeaky toy summoned someone from far away. A deep bark shook the trees, and a giant four-eyed dog loomed over the arena. This was Chet, Doug’s older brother, home from obedience school. “He went to college and he just totally changed,” the Arbiter explained. Both champions fled in terror.

Minh recovered, hasted himself, and leapt through the river to the Box. Gerald took one look at him and said, “Wow, those are big muscles.” Minh flexed so hard his shield popped off its straps and into the box as an offering. “That was fucking hot. I’ll be right back,” Gerald gasped, fanning himself with it. He floated out a suit of poison-resistant armour, which Minh wore as bicep bandanas and a belt “to keep the abs in place.” Gerald was so overwhelmed by Minh’s physique that he retreated into the box to do dumbbell curls. He came back as “just a huge upper body” who had “skipped every leg day,” greeting Alyndra with “What’s up, bro.”

Alyndra teleported to the box on a beam of starlight and offered Gerald a glowing orb pulled from the sky. “It’s body glitter,” she said, and Gerald rubbed it onto his new chest.

Before Gerald could hand over her prize, there was a rescue to make. Minh fed Chet a piece of protein bar from his backpack, which held nothing but protein bars and nuts, and then realised it was sweetened with something poisonous to dogs. Alyndra revealed “a bit of a vet background” and performed the Heimlich on the giant dog, who spat the bar out. Chet was so delighted by the hug and the snack that he poofed into a tiny eight-eyed Pomeranian, “because the more eyes, the cuter.” Then the Box gave Alyndra a scroll of Meteor Swarm. “This is the best day of my life,” the Grandmaster said, jaw on the floor, and threw down a tiny umbrella for whatever protection it might offer. Alyndra then sat on the Box of Chaos so Minh couldn’t use it. “I don’t see me sitting on your house,” Gerald complained from underneath her. When the Arbiter’s round-end roll came up a natural 20, Doug got scared and hid behind the Grandmaster’s chair, and Chet curled up beside him: Thunder Buddies under the throne.

Fire, Steam and Self-Inflicted Wounds

Unable to reach the Box with Alyndra on top of it, Minh dropped a Fireball on both of them. He failed to dodge his own spell at first, then spent his hero point and twisted free on the second try. “You all laughed at me when I said we only needed one champion, but this is how they take themselves out,” the Grandmaster crowed. The blast boiled the river into steam. “What the fuck is going on out there?” Gerald yelled from inside the box.

Alyndra waded out of the “hot mess,” but she turned her back on Minh, and he punished her with a smite. “You got to keep looking me in the eye for that,” he said. She answered with Sacred Flame and complained, “How do you look so hot every time I give you my damage?” Minh tried to soak up the radiant fire, but the Acolytes chanted in unison that he had already used his chance to react, so he took the full hit.

When Minh pinned her against the waterfall, the Grandmaster drenched them both with a bucket’s worth of cold water. It only gave Minh goosebumps that puffed him up further. “It was supposed to cool you off!” Alyndra wailed, and dunked her head in the river. The water “wasn’t just water,” however. It seeped into their nerves and set their arms twitching. When Minh’s hasted strike landed, it turned back on him, and a cackling voice echoed across the valley: “Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself!”

The Flood

“How about a change of scenery?” the Arbiter asked, snapping his fingers into the chaos energy of The Void. A wall of water tore down the valley and swept both champions over the falls. The tumble broke Minh’s haste, and he was left drained and unable to move. They washed up in grassy shallows by a little rock bridge as the sun began to set.

Alyndra kept swinging at the helpless Minh and kept missing, popping only his mirror images. She then ate a giant poisonous strawberry, spat it out with a swollen tongue, and lied to Minh that it was delicious. He believed her (“Perfect victory dessert”) and promptly sank, because he was too muscular to float. The Grandmaster threw him muscle-shaped floaties. When Alyndra finally landed a perfect natural 20, the tingling in her fingers took over and her follow-through sliced across her own chest. The cackling voice rang out one last time and faded.

Hearts on Fire

Alyndra crumpled. “Maybe we weren’t meant for glory. Maybe mother was right.” The Grandmaster asked what had brought “these crocodile tears to my fight” and reminded her that nobody could step through the Arbiter’s portal unless they were worthy. Alyndra screamed into the stands, “Yes! Did you hear that, mother?” Her mother was somewhere in a far corner of the stands on comped tickets.

Minh, free to move again, gave her a speech of his own while his magic gathered:

“It doesn’t matter what people say. It doesn’t matter what they call you… You will survive. You’ve proven that. Your heart is on fire and that fire is not easily quenched no matter the slings and arrows.”

Then he hit her with a vitriolic sphere. Alyndra, choking in acid with almost nothing left, unrolled her scroll:

“What is glory but leaving your mark upon the world? What is glory but letting them remember your name despite death?”

She stared into Minh’s eyes and pulled the stars down on them both. Minh grasped her arm: “We’re in this together.” The stars in her hair rose, grew until they blotted out the sun, and came crashing down. Minh’s umbrella and his spells weren’t enough, and the meteors were fatal to him by the narrowest of margins. “It’s been an honor,” Alyndra said. “Alyndra, the honor is mine,” Minh replied, reaching out with a charred hand. With every fibre of his being, he laid his hands on her and healed her, and his will formed a barrier that shielded her from the last of the fire. His final words told her that as long as she followed her heart, she would always be glorious.

When the light faded, only darkness, ash and a shield remained, “shiny, still in nature.” Alyndra picked it up and looked to the Grandmaster, who told her: “Though Minh has left us, his story is now burned into our hearts. And you… Alyndra, you must carry on his story and glory. The drinks are on me tonight.”

Dried Blood

Since Minh had fallen so close to surviving, the Grandmaster granted him a post-credits chance, “like Avengers end scene credits.” He clung on through one success and two failures, and then the scene stopped there. All anyone saw was “the barely twitching within the pile of ash.” Whether the Freshmaker lived or died has never been revealed. At the table, Alyndra’s player said the silly fight had turned personal. Minh’s speech, his player admitted, was “just me talking to me.”

Notable Moments

• Doug beat the Grandmaster at ping pong, then farted at the Arbiter for melting his ball.
• Minh’s flexing popped his shield into the Box of Chaos, and Gerald got so swole he skipped every leg day.
• Alyndra saved Chet with the Heimlich, and he shrank into an eight-eyed Pomeranian.
• Minh fireballed himself, and Alyndra critted herself while a voice cackled “Stop hitting yourself!”
• The Grandmaster’s waterfall arena was flushed over its own edge by the Arbiter’s flood.
• Minh used his dying breath to heal and shield the champion whose meteors killed him.

Memorable Quotes

• Minh Lý: “I love this dog. And if anything were to happen to this dog, I would kill everyone in the room.”
• Gerald: “That was fucking hot. I’ll be right back.”
• Alyndra Morlynn: “Maybe you could put it on your new muscles and make them glittery. It’s body glitter.”
• The Grandmaster: “You all laughed at me when I said we only needed one champion, but this is how they take themselves out.”
• Alyndra Morlynn: “That’s unfair! How do you look so hot every time I give you my damage?”
• Minh Lý: “Push-ups, sit-ups, and plenty of juice.”
• Alyndra Morlynn: “Yes! Did you hear that, mother?”
• Minh Lý: “Alyndra, the honor is mine.”

Who and What Appears

Characters

Minh Lý, “the Freshmaker” (DeeEMSteve). Fights bare-chested.

• Look and gear: a longsword tied with a dainty ribbon, and a shield (given to the Box of Chaos, though “the shield of Minh” remains at the end).
• Abilities: a Bladesinger who also smites and uses Lay on Hands (multiclass inferred from the smite and Lay on Hands). His spells and features:
  • Mage armor, Bladesong, booming blade, haste, Fireball, absorb elements, Shield, mirror image, vitriolic sphere and Warcaster.
• Personality and lore:
  • Pure sportsmanship; loves Doug.
  • Carries protein bars and nuts for his macros.
  • Too muscular to float.
  • Was fond of rows K–L of the crowd.
• Box of Chaos prize: armour of resistance (poison), worn as bicep bandanas and an ab belt.
• In this episode: killed by Alyndra’s Meteor Swarm, but used his last act to heal and shield her. Dried Blood leaves his death saves at one success and two fails.

Alyndra Morlynn (Luboffin).

• Look and gear: pointy ears, starlight hair, glittering too-clean star chain mail, a starlit longsword (“star sword”) and a mirror-shiny shield.
• Abilities: an astral elf fighter with psionic leap, a starlight teleport, psionic dice, Indomitable and action surge. She also casts Sacred Flame.
• Personality and lore:
  • Came “for glory”; has a signature pose.
  • Has a “vet background.”
  • Her mother doubts her (“maybe mother was right”). Her mother watches from the stands on comped tickets.
• Box of Chaos prize: a 9th-level Meteor Swarm scroll (used).
• In this episode: winner. She leaves holding Minh’s shield, charged by the Grandmaster to “carry on his story and glory.”

Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer (Caustic Phoenix).

• Plays ping pong with Doug and has never beaten him.
• The waterfall is her favourite getaway, for books and wine.
• Threw the small umbrella, the cold bucket of water and the muscle floaties.
• Gave Alyndra the pep talk: the Arbiter’s portal only admits the worthy.
• Drinks are on her tonight.

The Arbiter (Mudcat).

• A prisoner in chains in the Dread Fortress.
• His eyes glowed with fire, melting a ping pong ball. He hates Doug and flipped him off.
• Photobombed the painting.
• Brought the flood chaos.

Doug — a cyborg zombie pug and a ping pong ace who farts at the Arbiter.

• Throws his squeaky D20 toy for round-end rolls.
• Hid behind the Grandmaster’s chair when the natural 20 scared him.

Chet — Doug’s older brother, a giant dog with four eyes, home from obedience training school (“went to college”).

• Was nearly poisoned by Minh’s protein bar and saved by Alyndra’s Heimlich.
• Turned into a tiny eight-eyed Pomeranian, then joined Doug as “Thunder Buddies” under the throne.

Gerald (Box of Chaos, Mudcat).

• Yellow eyes and shadowy hands; his pink and yellow fire gives no heat.
• Got swole from Minh’s display: dumbbell curls, “skipped every leg day.”
• Waxed himself with Alyndra’s starlight body glitter. Was sat on by Alyndra.
• Wants a copy of the painting. His signature move is pretending to walk down stairs.

Theodore — a goblin painter at the Dread Fortress. He paints in watercolour stick figures, is being sent to art school, and is paid through a work-study programme. This episode’s proceeds fund his scholarship.

Corrin — an Acolyte in the nosebleed seats whose tumble granted Alyndra advantage.

Other Acolytes:

• Rows K–L, including one who gifted Bless.
• A bachelorette party.

The cackling voice — “Stop hitting yourself!” Tied to the tingling-water chaos event; its source is unspecified.

Places

• The Dread Fortress game room (new): ping pong, air hockey, a D&D table, arcades, neon signs (“Grandmaster forever” / “the Arbiter sucks”), a soda fountain and dog-friendly cabinets.
• The Grandmaster’s waterfall getaway: magical trees, fairies, fireflies, a giant tree and a fast, knee-deep river.
• Downstream shallows: grassy foliage, a small rock bridge and poisonous giant strawberries.

Items

• The Box of Chaos; “the black tome” the Arbiter consults for it.
• Minh’s ribboned longsword and shield.
• Armour of resistance (poison).
• The Meteor Swarm scroll.
• The Grandmaster’s small umbrella and muscle floaties.
• Doug’s squeaky D20 toy and ping pong ball supply.
• Theodore’s watercolour of three stick figures.

Lore statements

• The Dread Fortress offers staff dental, 401K, generous PTO, and is “union friendly.”
• Per the Grandmaster, champions can only pass through the Arbiter’s portal if they are worthy.
• The Arbiter’s chaos draws on the Void’s chaos energy (“snaps his fingers into the void and that chaos energy”).
• Beholders have high marriage rates because more eyes are more seductive (an in-world joke).

Full Round-by-Round

Every beat of the episode, with timestamps (click to expand)

Opening: the Dread Fortress game room

1. 0:00:12 In the Dread Fortress, the Arbiter is “still clad in his chains, a prisoner in this place.” He clanks down the halls after a sound and finds a room “we haven’t seen in the Dread Fortress”. “You’re playing without me?”
2. 0:01:07 — The game room. The Grandmaster freezes, paddle in hand. Doug stands on the other side of a freshly brought-in ping pong table. The room holds:
   • a D&D table, ping pong, air hockey and a few arcade machines in the back corner;
   • neon signs reading “Grandmaster forever” and, on the other side, “the Arbiter sucks”;
   • a small soda fountain in the far corner.
   The ball bounces silently to the floor.
3. 0:01:52 The Grandmaster on Doug: “He’s very good. I can’t help it. I have yet to beat him.”
4. 0:02:01 The Arbiter glares at the “cyborg zombie pug” with “the most hatred anyone could ever have for anything.” His eyes glow with fire, and the ping pong ball melts in front of Doug.
5. 0:02:21 — Doug’s ball cabinet. “We don’t have that many ping pong balls.” Doug runs to a dog-height cabinet that pops open like a trash-can lid. “This whole game room is very dog friendly.” Inside are eight or nine brightly coloured balls. Doug takes one, hops back onto the table, looks at the Arbiter defiantly and farts in his general direction.
6. 0:02:58 — The forgotten Deathmatch. The Arbiter: “you don’t even have time to play ping pong. We have a deathmatch to get to.” The Grandmaster had forgotten: “Doug, how could you make me forget?” Doug drops his ball in shame. The Arbiter has brought “two someones.” She works it out: “Math. One, one, two… I’m a good leader. I promise.”
7. 0:03:35 The Arbiter claps, and the sound rips open a portal. He introduces Alyndra Morlynn versus Minh Lý.

The champions

8. 0:04:04 — Minh Lý, “the Freshmaker.”
   • He winks at everyone and strikes a pose.
   • He carries a longsword, unsheathed but tied with “a really dainty ribbon,” and crackles with energy.
   • “This one better be good, because I’ve been waiting for it.”
9. 0:04:43 — Doug. Doug sniffs Minh’s toe and dances around the ribbon. Minh: “I love this dog. And if anything were to happen to this dog, I would kill everyone in the room.” The Grandmaster: “A fighter after my own heart.”
10. 0:05:22 — Alyndra Morlynn.
    • Long pointy ears and hair “made of starlight.”
    • Glittering chain mail that is “too clean,” with corners too crisp, “like a cosplay before you do the weathering.”
    • “I am Alyndra Morlynn. And I heard that this was the place for glory.”
    • The Grandmaster asks if she’s dabbing. “No, this is my signature pose.”
11. 0:05:56 — The goblin painter. A goblin, Theodore, runs out with a small easel and paints the two champions. “Don’t move.” Alyndra asks if she may move her mouth (just her mouth). She hopes “to bring forth the power of the stars.” The Grandmaster: “may the stars be in your favor.”
12. 0:06:46 — The Arbiter photobombs. He poses off to the side, “looking very regal in his chains.” The Grandmaster calls for a performance check. He hides the roll and claims it’s good; she objects (“Transparency first”), and he rerolls a 17. The goblin catches his good side: “The light is gleaming off of my chains.” The Grandmaster: “You got like a nice bubble butt in the picture.” Arbiter: “Sounded like an insult, but I’m okay with it.”
13. 0:07:41 — The painting is a watercolour of three stick figures. Minh: “Looking slim, looking thin.” The Grandmaster: “He’s trying to catch the essence. We’re sending him to art school soon.”
    • All proceeds from today’s battle go to the goblin’s art classes, as an extra scholarship fund. He is also paid, in a work-and-study programme.
14. 0:08:26 — Dread Fortress benefits. Arbiter: “The Dread Fortress actually has great benefits… Dental, 401K.” Grandmaster: “Generous PTO.” Arbiter: “We’re even union friendly.” Minh: “I think I’m going to try to die less now that I’ve heard this.” “We have openings.”

The arena: the waterfall

15. 0:08:59 The Grandmaster asks for “one of my favorite old spots.” The Arbiter opens a portal, and a gentle autumn breeze, water and mist roll through.
16. 0:09:19 — The Grandmaster’s getaway. “You grab a couple of books, a bottle of wine, and you just hide out in a spot like this.”
    • Magical trees with glittering fairies, and a waterfall that is “loud as fuck.”
    • She warns that a wrong step could sweep them away: “Of course, if it’s for your opponent, who really cares? Hopefully you can fly.”
    • She laughs maniacally, opens her wings, and lifts up “the same farty Doug the Pug.”
17. 0:10:21 — The Acolytes. Above the waterfall mist the Acolytes sparkle “like the stars themselves.” They cheer “We love our champions!” and throw popcorn, which little birds swoop to catch. The champions feel “a slight kinship towards them.”
18. 0:11:22 The Grandmaster: “this is an arena of deathmatch… of blood of broken bones, and I expect you to add to my collection.”
19. 0:11:30 The Arbiter flies up, white wings glowing in the sun: “Acolytes, are you ready for blood?” He magically lifts the champions to opposite banks. The river is knee- to mid-thigh-deep but racing fast. “Acolytes, watch these two fill the water with blood.”
20. 0:12:27 Initiative: Minh goes first, Alyndra second.

Round 1

21. 0:12:47 — Minh strips. He takes off his top (“tavern” in the transcript, probably tunic) and ties it around himself, bare-chested: “You don’t need armor when you have mage armor.” He takes up a shield, flicks the ribbon off the sword and waits.
22. 0:13:31 — Rows K through L. His performance check (23) makes a whole row, K through L, faint in a wave and blow kisses. One Acolyte with “special magical powers” blows him a kiss that gifts him Bless on one roll. Minh: “I knew I loved rows K through L.” Mudcat adds a bachelorette party in the crowd, swooning “over your glistening muscles in the firefly light.”
23. 0:16:25 — Corrin. Corrin, in the nosebleed seats, shouts so loudly they trip down the stairs and turn it into a somersault, landing at the railing. That grants her advantage. Her first cut lands. Caustic Phoenix: “Now you’re hot.”

Round 2

25. 0:17:31 — The Freshmaker chant. Minh grins with “absolute sportsmanship,” no malice. He gets the crowd chanting “Freshmaker, Freshmaker” and starts his Bladesong.
26. 0:18:35 His first swing glances off her “chainmail made of stars.” He spends the Bless, and it becomes a just-hit glancing blow for half damage.
27. 0:19:40 The chant falls out of sync: “French Baker, French Baker, fresh bacon, fresh bacon.”
28. 0:19:56 — The pulse. Minh casts “a blade that may or may not be booming” (booming blade). It misses, but he leans into her armour and a wave of energy pulses out. “A lot of this magic here is the subtle type, but very, very crowd pleasing.”
29. 0:20:54 — Hero points. The crowd goes wild and both champions are granted hero points. The Acolytes throw “their bras, their underwear, their stinky socks”, gifting the clothes they wore that day. The Grandmaster’s rule: “we will be very angry if you die with it unused.”
30. 0:21:53 Caustic Phoenix jokes that Minh has been hit with a spell of silence. Minh: “In shame do I end my turn.” “Self-punishment.”
31. 0:23:08 — Minh knocked prone. Alyndra hits: “You look pretty big, but I’ll see if I can knock you over.” He fails the Strength save and goes prone. She stands over him and strikes her signature pose, then brings the sword down over her head for a second hit with advantage.
32. 0:24:38 She politely backs away “to give you some room to get up.” Mudcat clarifies the glowing trees are fireflies.
33. 0:25:00 She spins to the crowd: “The stars will always guide you.” The Acolytes open their compact mirrors and reflect light down, “a laser show, if you will.”
34. 0:25:58 — The round-end roll. The Arbiter rolls 11 (“That’s absolutely embarrassing”). Doug hops onto his pedestal and throws his squeaky plush D20 toy onto the field: a 12, “higher than what the Arbiter did. Suck it.” The Arbiter raises a finger to Doug. The Grandmaster: “Don’t be rude.” Arbiter: “Don’t tell me how to do my job… the timing is important and now you’ve thrown it off.”

The Box of Chaos

35. 0:26:26 The Arbiter snaps. A box slams down onto a rock in the middle of the river. The lid flips open in pink and yellow flames. Two shadowy hands creep over the side and the yellow eyes of Gerald peek out. Anyone may make a sacrifice to it as a free action in exchange for a magic item.

Chaos event: Chet (0:27:30)

36. The Acolytes demand blood. Minh, “laying down on the job,” rolls a 17 (“Minty fresh”). The Grandmaster: “So those muscles aren’t just for show then.”
37. 0:28:09 — Chet arrives. The squeaky toy summons a dog from far away. A deep bark shakes the trees, and the ground trembles like a small earthquake. A giant dog looms over and greets Doug (“whoop”); Doug whoops back in his tiny pug voice. It is Doug’s older brother, Chet, home from obedience training school. He howls.
38. 0:29:36 Both champions fail and must flee. Minh, still prone, scrambles on knees and elbows through the tree roots, only 15 ft, to the waterfall’s edge (“Maybe I’ll wash my face off… freshen up”). Alyndra runs under a tree where the fireflies dance “like your stars.”
39. 0:30:36 Alyndra: “This is so pretty, but I hate that dog. He’s just scary looking.” Mudcat: “Chet growls and foams at the mouth.” Grandmaster: “That’s because he’s brushed his teeth recently… very clean, sparkly mouth.” Arbiter: “He went to college and he just totally changed.” “Whole different dog.”

Round 3

40. 0:31:13 — Minh’s jump. He gets up clean: “Okay, you got some moves. You got some moves. I do too.” He casts haste on himself and takes a running leap through the river to the Box (a natural 20 on athletics).
41. 0:32:44 — The shield offering. Gerald reaches over the lid: “Wow, those are big muscles.” Minh: “You ain’t seen nothing yet.” He flexes through the straps and the shield pops off into the box. “That’s my offering. No more AC.”
42. 0:33:06 Gerald fans himself with the shield: “That was fucking hot. I’ll be right back.” He slams the lid shut. “Gerald’s going to want a copy of that picture we painted earlier.”
43. 0:33:40 — Minh’s prize. The box shakes, and the flames shoot up again; “it has no heat to it as it’s a magical fire.” “Gerald just likes to watch you roll dice.” Gerald floats out armour of resistance (poison).
44. 0:34:46 Minh can’t wear medium armour, so it becomes bandanas strapped around each bicep “like a Muay Thai strap” and a bandage belt “to keep the abs in place.” Gerald: “I was worried it wasn’t gonna fit you, but it looks nice.” Minh winks.
45. 0:35:21 — Gerald’s workout. Gerald: “Okay, I gotta get out of here.” Overwhelmed by Minh’s physique, he goes down into the box, finds a set of dumbbells and does curls “just to get a pump.” Alyndra does curls in the background too.
46. 0:36:08 — Alyndra at the Box. She moves up and uses her astral elf’s starlight teleport to land at the box: “Fancy meeting you here.”
47. 0:36:44 — Swole Gerald. Gerald is now “just a huge upper body,” with tiny legs hidden in the box: “he skipped every leg day… an inverted pyramid.” “What’s up, bro.”
48. 0:37:16 — Alyndra’s offering. She pulls starlight down from the sky into a glowing orb (a psionic die) and gives it over delicately: “It’s for you.” Gerald: “Oh, shiny. I like that.” Alyndra: “Maybe you could put it on your new muscles and make them glittery. It’s body glitter.” Gerald rubs it on his chest “like waxing up.” “It feels real good.”
49. 0:38:11 Gerald does “his traditional move where he pretends to walk down the stairs” as he closes the box. Grandmaster: “We’re gonna throw Gerald up like a disco ball later.” After the rolls, the Arbiter: “Why does this always happen? How does this one always get rolled?… I’m gonna need a minute, Grandmaster.”

Interlude: saving Chet (0:39:01)

50. Initiative pauses as Chet walks toward the two champions at the box.
51. 0:39:25 — The protein bar. Minh: “This is a good boy.” His backpack holds only protein bars, almonds and cashews (“you really want to hit your macros”). He breaks off a piece of protein bar and holds it out gingerly: “It’s all I got, but… you look like you could use something.”
52. 0:40:27 He fails a nature check (8). Chet starts chewing before Minh remembers the bar is “sugar zero,” a sugar-free sweetener “considered rather poisonous for dogs.” The wrapper’s nutrition label shows it.
53. 0:41:11 Minh: “Alyndra, I might have made a mistake… I might have just fed something very bad for dogs to our friend here.” Alyndra: “But it is a scary dog.” Minh: “Look at those four eyes.” Alyndra: “That’s too many eyes.” Minh: “I say not enough.”
54. 0:41:44 — The Heimlich. Alyndra tries the Heimlich maneuver (medicine 18). “It turns out you have a bit of a vet background. Surprise!” She squeezes Chet’s lower abdomen, and he spits the bar out without swallowing it.
55. 0:42:08 — Chet shrinks. Chet is thrilled he got a hug and food. “Poof,” he turns into a tiny Pomeranian, now with eight eyes, “because the more eyes, the cuter.”
    • Table riff on eyes: there’s no cap on cuteness from eyes, and more eyes help seduction.
    • Mudcat: “Now the beholders make a lot of sense.” Caustic Phoenix: “Everyone’s trying to seduce a beholder… Their marriage rates are through the roof.”
56. 0:43:27 — Alyndra’s prize. “After consulting the tomes, the black tome,” the Arbiter has her roll. Gerald floats her a scroll; she knows its contents without reading it. It is a 9th-level Meteor Swarm.
57. 0:44:18 — The umbrella. “This is the best day of my life.” The Grandmaster’s jaw drops, and she throws a small umbrella down. It is treated later as Minh’s (1:33:44). Alyndra: “Finally, I have the power to summon the very rocks from the sky.” Caustic Phoenix: the umbrella “will do very little against the massive meteor storm.”
58. 0:45:28 — Sitting on the Box. Alyndra: “You haven’t even hit me once yet… Well, that’s not true.” She asks to sit on the Box of Chaos so Minh can’t open it, wrapping her arms and legs around it in a grapple. Gerald, squashed: “Hey, what are you doing?” Alyndra: “I’m playing fair.” Gerald: “I don’t see me sitting on your house.” “It’s just for a minute, okay?”
    • Luboffin, out of character: it’s “not very in keeping with the persona… she’s so overwhelmed by the Meteor spell, she just wants to keep it so bad.”
    • Ruling: getting her off the box takes a Strength 12 or better.
    • Alyndra: “I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.”
59. 0:46:52 — Thunder Buddies. The Arbiter’s round-end roll is a natural 20. Doug gets scared and runs behind the Grandmaster’s chair. Chet hops out of the arena to comfort his little brother, circling to keep him warm: “Thunder Buddies underneath the throne chair.” The Arbiter “gives him the eyes.” Riff: more eyes would be “intimidating… or sexy… a little intimidated, a little aroused.”

Round 4

60. 0:47:58 — Fireball on the box. Minh: “Well, this is quite the predicament, because I went in that box, but you’re in the way.” “A little red bead kind of drops out of a wink”, and he casts a 4th-level Fireball centred on both of them, banking on haste’s advantage on Dex saves. Alyndra: “It’s getting hot in here with those muscles.”
61. 0:49:09 — Minh fails his own save. Alyndra saves for half. Someone (speaker uncertain): “Did you fail against your own spell?” He casts absorb elements, then spends his hero point to reroll and saves (“This is a spicy meatball”). Both take half; Alyndra takes the heavier hit.
62. 0:49:44 The Grandmaster: “You all laughed at me when I said we only needed one champion, but this is how they take themselves out.” Mudcat: “You absolutely planned this.” Minh: “100%, I planned this.” Caustic Phoenix calls him “a Crispyman.”
63. 0:51:19 — Steam. From inside the box, Gerald: “What the fuck is going on out there?” The blast pushes the water out, and everything steams: hot, humid, sticky, “but your pores open up.” Mudcat: steam “counts as water… you don’t have to drink any water that day.”
64. 0:51:54 Minh’s hasted swing, through bleary eyes, misses. The Grandmaster asks Alyndra what she’ll do “now that your eyebrows have been singed off, but your face is feeling nice and fresh.”
65. 0:52:33 — Wading out. “I want to get out of this hot mess.” She wades the river easily (athletics 25): “your normal morning runs on the beach… Those calves are strong.”
66. 0:53:24 — The smite. Minh makes a Warcaster concentration save to keep haste. He then takes his opportunity attack and turns it into a smite: “You got to keep looking me in the eye for that.” She turns and looks him in the eye in slow motion, hair flowing.
67. 0:55:13 Grandmaster: “Never turn your back on your opponent. Just run backwards from here on out.” Alyndra: “I was so distracted by the muscles and the fire that I ran away.” Minh: “You’d be surprised.”
68. 0:55:27 — Sacred Flame. “Well, here’s a taste of your own medicine.” Minh fails the save.
    • He tries to absorb it: “his sword starts to illuminate ever so slightly.” Alyndra: “That’s unfair! How do you look so hot every time I give you my damage?” Minh: “Push-ups, sit-ups, and plenty of juice.” Caustic Phoenix: “Are you shaking like a power drink right now?” Minh: “like a protein shaker.”
    • The Acolytes chant in unison that he already used his reaction on the opportunity attack. He takes the full radiant damage and gets the spell slot back. “The audience knows best.”
69. 0:57:51 Alyndra recovers a psionic die. Grandmaster: “Gather yourself. Everyone take a deep breath in. And exhale.” Then the 10-minute break (cut from the mp3).

Round 5

70. 0:58:29 “And we’re back!” The Arbiter and Grandmaster talk over each other. “You’re the Grandmaster here. You go ahead and talk whenever you want.” “I will talk whenever I want.” Arbiter: “A sphincter says what?” Grandmaster: “What round is it?”
71. 0:59:18 — Minh closes in. “Alyndra, that scroll is mighty tempting, but you know, if you cast that on me, it’s gonna be a bad day for you if I’m right there next with you.” He wades across (one athletics check, “not all of the athletics”) and pins her with her back to the waterfall.
72. 1:00:09 He swings three times (hit, then booming blade, then a third hasted attack). The first lands; the others miss.
73. 1:00:59 — The shiny shield. Alyndra: her shield is “so shiny and reflective that you can see yourself in the shield,” and it’s distracting. Minh: “it would be a crime to take this away from the crowd,” glancing up at the Acolytes.
    • Alyndra to herself: “Don’t let the muscles distract you, Alyndra! We’re here for glory!” Luboffin adds: “You’ve done some very not-glorious things earlier with the box… It’s time to redeem yourself.”
74. 1:02:12 — The star sword. Grandmaster: “It is beauty. It is grace. It can slice you in the face.” Minh casts Shield to block a 24; it’s one of the few times he’s been able to. Alyndra: “I normally roll so poorly. Change of fate.”
75. 1:03:24 — Crossed swords. Minh crosses swords with her and pushes in close: “Just glory then?” Alyndra: “Glory.” Minh: “That’s a noble goal, but I’m here for glory too.” He backs away “hips first” and shakes out his arm: “You have a pretty strong sword arm.”
76. 1:04:08 — The cold bucket. The Grandmaster claps, and a gush of cold water drenches both of them as if from a bucket.
    • Minh: “Oh, that works against y’all… I’ve got all these goosebumps now, just like, really puffing me up.”
    • Alyndra: “It was supposed to cool you off!”
    • She shoves her head in the river. Luboffin: “I didn’t expect to play such a thirsty character, but here we are.” Caustic Phoenix: “No one ever does.” The dunk wakes her up just enough to earn a d4 on her next roll.
77. 1:05:16 With the d4, her second attack just hits for a half-damage glancing blow (“we round up, because we’re terrible people”). She ducks under his shield: “head in the game.”
78. 1:06:13 The Grandmaster: “Play with your food.” Alyndra decides not to action surge and readies her shield.

Chaos event: the tingling water (1:06:40)

79. The Grandmaster pushes the Arbiter back into his chair: “You can just stay… I would love to do the Acolytes’ demand first.” Alyndra rolls a 12.
80. 1:07:40 The cold water “wasn’t just water.” It soaks into their muscles, nerves and bones. Their fingers twitch, and an arm jerks out now and then. Both fail nature checks, so “it just feels a little funny for now.” Minh: “Just a little icy hot.”

Round 6

81. 1:08:59 — The crimson line. Minh is now bloodied: Alyndra’s star sword drew “a deep crimson line” across his chest. “All right, this is… Okay, then.”
82. 1:09:24 — Mirror image. Time freezes and the fireflies stand still, as if in a meditative state. Three Minhs appear, each with the red line across the chest. He keeps concentration against the earlier hit.
83. 1:10:30 — Stop hitting yourself. His hasted attack lands, but the tingling nerves turn it back on him. He hits himself. A small cackling laughter echoes through the valley: “Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself!” Minh: “Well, it’s almost better that I rolled really low there.”
84. 1:11:29 Alyndra: “I didn’t like being hit. I didn’t like that.” Both her swings miss. She teleports and moves out of range.
85. 1:13:02 At round’s end the tingling leaves Minh’s body. The Grandmaster lets the Arbiter bring his own chaos.

The Arbiter’s chaos: the flood (1:13:35)

86. The Arbiter cracks his knuckles: “How about a change of scenery?” He snaps into the Void’s chaos energy.
87. 1:14:19 A wall of water rips down the valley and washes both champions over the waterfall and down the river. Caustic Phoenix: “I think the Arbiter wants to kill you all.”
88. 1:15:05 — Minh loses haste. Battered in the fall, Minh fails his concentration save with a natural 1. His haste drops, and its lethargy leaves him unable to move or act for his next turn. Mirror image holds.
89. 1:15:55 — The new ground. They wash up in a shallow space covered with grassy foliage, with a small rock bridge, as the sun begins to set. The giant firefly tree is visible upstream behind them. Initiative is rerolled, and Alyndra now goes first.

New Round 1

90. 1:16:43 Alyndra: “Normally it would be me dazed by the visage of your muscles, but I see that you’re a little dazed.” She swings at the helpless Minh. “You’re just standing there. How do I keep missing?” Two of her swings take out mirror images, leaving one. “At least the distractions are gone. Too many muscles.”
91. 1:19:02 — The giant strawberries. She walks over to some giant strawberries, “large in size and juicy in nature.” She fails survival, and it’s “not a berry that you were supposed to have eaten”. Poison: her tongue swells. She spits it out (Con 25) and scrapes her tongue.
92. 1:20:20 — The lie. Alyndra calls out: “Minh, the strawberries are really yummy.” She rolls deception, and Minh fails insight. He believes they’re delicious: “They are shiny, just like you.” Minh: “Perfect victory dessert.”
93. 1:21:08 — Minh sinks. He can’t act. He sinks in the water because he’s too muscular to float: “that’s like a big problem… we don’t talk about that enough.” “All right kid, you got some… chops. So I’m gonna start taking this real seriously now. Give me one sec and I’ll be right back.”
94. 1:21:50 The Grandmaster throws him floaties shaped like little muscles, making his muscles look even bigger. Minh: “It’s good branding.” “Muscle floaties.”

New Round 2

95. 1:22:13 Alyndra turns, confused that he’s still standing there. She hits, but Minh rolls a natural 20 for his mirror image: “It was all a ghost.” The natural 20 rejuvenates him; he regains a mirror image and can move again. Alyndra: “How do you keep doing that? There are too many of you! You’re all so hot!”
96. 1:24:02 Her next swing pops the last image. “Now that the distractions are gone,” she action surges: “like six hits in a row that I’ve missed… come on, Alyndra, get it together.”
97. 1:24:41 — Crit on herself. A coin-flip muddle over her advantage roll ends with both dice reading 20: a natural 20, her first clean hit. Then the Grandmaster (“I hate to do this. I’m so sorry. I love it”): the tingling in her fingers takes over. Her full-force swing follows through and slices across her own chest. The cackling grows louder (“Stop hitting yourself!”) and finally fades. All of the damage comes back to her.
    • Mudcat: “It is not every day you crit yourself.” “Stop critting yourself.”
98. 1:27:11 — Mother. Alyndra: “Maybe we weren’t meant for glory. Maybe mother was right.”
99. 1:27:25 — The Grandmaster’s pep talk. She rolls perception (6) and can’t hear, but sees the sad face. “Dear champion of mine, what brings these crocodile tears to my fight?”
    • Alyndra: “I just can’t hit him, he’s too muscley… and I just slapped myself in the face… maybe I’m not worthy of being in the Deathmatch.”
    • The Grandmaster: “No, that is not true. The Arbiter picked you for a reason… he knows what true glory works like… as you step through that portal, you would not be able to enter unless you were worthy… I look at you and I see a fighter.”
100. 1:28:42 Alyndra yells into the stands: “Yes! Did you hear that, mother?” Her mother is somewhere in a far corner of the stands. “Of course, she’s been given tickets as well” (a comp).
101. 1:28:58 The Grandmaster: “You’ve given your opponents scars, and because not enough were enough to scar you, you’ve given yourself your own. See the worthiness when you look into that shield. Fight.”
102. 1:29:29 — Minh’s speech and the vitriolic sphere. Free to move again, the Freshmaker watches Alyndra walk the shore: > “Grandmaster’s right. It doesn’t matter what people say. It doesn’t matter what they call you. It doesn’t matter that they don’t appreciate the work you put in… It doesn’t matter the venom in the speech they say. It doesn’t matter the looks they give you. You will survive. You’ve proven that. Your heart is on fire and that fire is not easily quenched no matter the slings and arrows. You’ll survive just like you’ll survive this.”

**Magic stirs as he speaks, and he casts vitriolic sphere.** The Grandmaster: "Because he believes in you. Goddamn."

103. 1:30:30 Alyndra uses Indomitable to reroll the save and gets a natural 1. A huge poison hit, with more acid to come at the end of her turn. Minh: “I believe you will survive this… Because you’re made of stronger stuff.” Alyndra: “Is this a real, like, psychological warfare going on right now?” Minh: “I’m showing you that you’re made of sterner stuff.” He closes the distance.
104. 1:31:59 The round-end roll is a 3: “as disappointing as always.” Arbiter: “I rolled a 20 earlier.” Grandmaster: “Well, at least our champions are putting on a show.”

New Round 3: the Meteor Swarm

105. 1:32:25 Alyndra looks up at the Grandmaster, then at Minh, choking on the acid around her: > “What is glory but leaving your mark upon the world? What is glory but letting them remember your name despite death?”

**She draws the scroll, closes the distance, stares into Minh's eyes ("I'm going to try not to get distracted by the muscles. It's really hard work") and casts Meteor Swarm directly on them both, reaching up and pulling the stars down.**

106. 1:33:19 — The grip. Minh reaches out and grasps her arm: “We’re in this together.” Steve likens it to the Arnold Schwarzenegger / Carl Weathers handshake in Predator. He casts absorb elements (“I don’t know if I’m going to survive this”) and has the Grandmaster’s small umbrella.
107. 1:33:58 Minh makes his save. Alyndra fails, spends her hero point, and rolls a 2. “As I look into Minh’s eyes, I’ve got this. We’ve got this.” She rolls the 40d6: “As I unleash the stars upon us.” Mudcat: “Well, it doesn’t fucking matter.”
108. 1:35:18 — Minh falls just short. He halves the damage on the save, absorb elements halves it again, and the umbrella’s d6 reduces it a little more. It is still fatal for Minh, by 2 HP (per Dried Blood). Alyndra “only had five hit points left.”
109. 1:35:43 — The meteors (the Grandmaster narrates): > “the stars that were in your shiny hair reach high up and as they go up they grow larger and larger still till the sun is blotted out… They hurdle themselves towards the ground, burning everything in this land. As you feel your flesh melting away, your bones begin to burn.”
110. 1:36:24 — Last words. Alyndra: “It’s been an honor.” Minh: “Alyndra, the honor is mine.” His hand is charred and marred as he reaches out; she grasps back.
111. 1:36:46 — Lay on Hands. “I, with every fiber of my being, I try to cast Lay on Hands.” He heals her for 10. “The twist of the century!”
112. 1:37:13 — The barrier. Mudcat: as Minh absorbs the elements and touches her, he absorbs “a little bit extra.” He forms a magic barrier around her with his intentions, “as if your will itself is shielding her from the last bit of damage.” He saves her from the meteor.
113. 1:37:53 Minh’s final line: “As long as you follow your heart, you will always be glorious in [mine eyes?].” Luboffin: “Just tears.”
114. 1:38:09 — The ash. The light fades and even the sun is gone; darkness and ash spread. “Just the shield of [Minh] remains, shiny, still in nature.” Alyndra picks it up and looks up at the Grandmaster.
115. 1:38:42 — The Grandmaster’s closing: > “My champion, let me remind you that it is in these fires of battle that we get to show our true self… Remember the battle that you saw, both willing to put themselves on the line… That is a true sign of character. Though Minh has left us, his story is now burned into our hearts. And you… Alyndra, you must carry on his story and glory. The drinks are on me tonight.”

"Welcome and good night to D20 Deathmatch!"

Full Dried Blood notes (click to expand)

Possibly canon (a post-credits beat; flagged):

• 1:44:30 Because Minh fell only 2 HP short, and because only one of Meteor Swarm’s four meteors was used, the Grandmaster offers him death saving throws “like Avengers end scene credits. What you want to show or not show is up to you.”
• Steve rolls an 18 (success), a 9 (fail) and a 5 (fail), then stops: “let’s leave it at that.”
• Caustic Phoenix: “We just see, like, the barely twitching within the pile of ash, and that’s it.” Minh’s final fate is left open (one success, two fails).

Out-of-character creator notes:

• Steve had never played a Bladesinger before, loves Paladins and recommends Bladesinger. He dropped Fireball at his own feet knowing haste gave advantage on Dex saves.
• 1:41:58 Steve: Alyndra’s mother moment struck a chord. “I live in a certain body that people notice… and fuck them.” The “follow your heart, you’ll be glorious” line was “just me talking to me.”
• Luboffin: the silly Deathmatch turned personal. These two characters “are going to stick with me… probably going to live with me for the rest of my life.”
• Caustic Phoenix on committing to characters in one-shots: “a true promise of a player to the character they’ve created.”
• Mudcat: Minh was 2 HP from surviving; it was a rule-of-cool reward for good roleplay.
• It was the first time Mudcat and Caustic Phoenix had played with or met either guest. Luboffin’s chat helped her with her character sheet. Caustic Phoenix recalls Luboffin tweeting a flowchart.
• Final statements:
  • Steve: follow your heart, but also listen to others’ hearts and “what scars might be on theirs,” and lend your strength.
  • Caustic Phoenix suggests titles “Hearts and Scars” and “Hearts on fire.” The episode is titled “Fire Heart.”