S5E9 — Patriotic Punch Up — Bob the Barbarian v Richard Knottley (Dick Twist)

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Two fan favourites were brought home to the Dread Fortress for Patriotic Punch Up. Bob the Barbarian, a jort-clad Florida man from the Everglades, faced Richard Knottley, better known as Dick Twist, who was freshly revived and launching a run for president. The fight took place on the fortress’s own front porch. It featured a weaponised Peloton, a frog pulled out of Richard’s ass, and a hostage twist that turned a gloriously stupid brawl into a blood feud.

The Story

Marco Polo in the Dread Fortress

The night began deep beneath the lava fields, in the cool, heavily air-conditioned halls of the Dread Fortress. The Lord of Fate walked those halls in Italian leather shoes that clicked “with an accent because they’re Italian,” past walls lined with paintings of himself. He was looking for Thea, and a high-pitched “Polo!” echoed back. She was playing Marco Polo. When he pointed out that the game is played in water, she corrected him. She said she had gone through a magic portal and met Marco Polo himself, and he had told her he “went more through the desert than I did through the water.”

He tracked her to a small cupboard room with a pile of blankets and, naturally, another portrait of himself. Thea asked whether he had dementia. He reminded her it was Sunday and she should be preparing the Deathmatch. She wanted to hold it right there so they could keep playing, but he refused: “I don’t want blood on the stones.” When he finally lifted his own portrait, Thea burst out through the canvas and ruined it. She declared that she had been found, but had scared him, “so I still won.” The Lord of Fate informed her she was paying for it.

Dick Twist for President

Through the hole in the frame, Thea opened a small pink portal and brought in the champions. Richard arrived pedalling his Peloton, “still traumatized from the frogs.” The Lord of Fate reminded him that he had died of a heart attack on one of those bikes last time. Richard explained that he had eaten 45 cheeseburgers that day. Today it was only 37, because it was a cheat day, and he had switched to lettuce wraps. His platform was to dismantle, on day one, the “swampy government run by chinchillas” who wear human skin. When Thea asked whether he was a chinchilla, he raised his eyebrows: “Chinchillas can’t do that.”

Bob knew nothing about chinchillas, but he loved a good swamp, so he warned Richard there would be a problem. He had at least three gators: “One, two, and Hannah Montana.” His sweet Florida boy Robbie was back home in the Everglades, riding their pink fan boat and feeding the gators Publix chicken tenders. Bob had brought extra tenders, and that settled Thea’s loyalties on the spot. Richard sneered that Thea wasn’t even people and couldn’t vote, then announced into the camera that the whole game was rigged. The Lord of Fate replied that they don’t acknowledge the cameras. “We paid them to be invisible.”

With a clap, the Lord of Fate blew Thea’s portal open into a tear in reality. It led to the front porch of the Dread Fortress, beneath the giant skull with its blazing eyes, on the field of lava. The Acolytes were spilling their drinks, because it was 50% off slushy night. Someone in the crowd held up a “Thea’s people” sign and was promptly dragged away by figures in black cloaks. Thea pointed out that they could have just used the front door. He told her she had no sense of showmanship and admitted, “I can only blame myself here. I created you.”

Lightning, Ozone and Tricycles

Bob opened with a roundhouse kick to the face and a backhanded slap “to show my utter disdain.” Richard answered with a trick he had learned: harnessing the electric current of the Peloton. Pedalling at a blistering four miles per hour, he blasted a lightning bolt into Bob. Bob fumbled his defence completely and took the full force of it.

Then came the policy debate. Richard demanded to know where Bob stood on the lunar moths eating the ozone layer. Bob liked the sun, so he was in favour of a bigger hole. Appalled, Richard hurled the Peloton at him. Bob crouched into the mud with “the reflexes of other Florida animals, not just gators, but panthers,” and the bike sailed over his head. The throw had been a distraction. Richard closed in at a brisk three miles an hour and wagged a finger in Bob’s face, and the lecture wore them both down equally. Bob simply replied that all he cared about was doing his sweet boy Robbie proud “as his new dad.”

Thea decided she could ride a bike better than either of them. She produced a tiny tricycle with ribbons, clicky spoke beads and a front basket, and the Lord of Fate snapped both champions onto trikes for a best-of-three race. Thea took the first heat. Bob won the second with a natural 20 and the third “by a nose,” while Richard somehow made riding a trike look difficult. Afterward, Richard confessed that his job at Peloton was a Scientology-style lifetime arrangement. He also admitted that Big Peloton may have a super PAC backing his campaign, alongside Adidas, Payless Shoes and KB Toys.

Belly Flops and Butt Frogs

Bob cracked a Miller Lite, chugged it, and belly-flopped onto Dick from a great height. His sweat soaked in and slowed Richard down. “It’s made of meth, jorts, and beer, baby, the way God intended.” Richard steadied himself with deep breathing and screeching. Thea joined in, then brought him a walker with tennis balls on the feet, since he sounded 98 years old.

Richard then pulled out the frog that had been crammed up his ass for a couple of weeks. He called it “a gift from God King Bofidis” and lobbed it like a grenade. It missed. Bob took out a knife and fork, cut the frog up and ate every inch of it. The Lord of Fate observed that it had been sous-viding in Richard’s ass for three weeks, and admitted he was now petrified of Bob. So was Richard. Richard struck a T-pose and called down “bolts of Wi-Fi” through his aluminium foil hat, and they cooked Bob’s brain with 5G.

Jorts Everywhere

Still scrambled, Bob summoned his trusty Harley-Davidson, Cletus. Richard shrugged off the tailpipe roar with a natural 20, insisting that the Peloton is the ultimate bike on the road. So Bob reached into the second layer of jorts beneath the first and pulled out two denim-covered fists. The right one landed hard. The left one should have missed, but Richard flubbed his defence so badly that it landed anyway, and the punch knocked his mustache clean off.

Bob explained that jorts should “ride up high and tight to almost expose your genitals and or ass, preferably both.” Thea wanted some for everyone, and the Lord of Fate snapped every Acolyte’s clothing into jorts. Bob gazed out at the sea of denim. “God, I love it here.” Richard, now also in jorts and missing his Hercule Poirot mustache, accused Thea of mocking it away and declared the game rigged once more. He finished by threatening the Lord of Fate directly: “This is my Dread Fortress now.”

The Lord of Fate Strikes Back

“Let me show you what I’m gonna do,” the Lord of Fate replied. He raised his hands and drew multicoloured lightning down from the chaos storms above, then blasted it at Richard’s Peloton. The bike exploded, and shrapnel chunked into both fighters. Richard swore to barbecue him and feed him to the neighbours. Thea kindly rode over and gave him her tricycle “just in case.”

Richard lashed both tricycles to his feet with the remains of the Peloton belt and went rollerblading into battle. He punched Bob on every pass and announced he would soon be eating the Lord of Fate’s ass “like corn on the cob.” He flipped off the Lord of Fate, who flipped him off back. Meanwhile, Thea asked if she could lick Bob’s sweat. Bob squirted it into her mouth from a secret belly-button blowhole, “what all Florida men have,” and Thea vomited violently onto the front row. The Lord of Fate explained to the crowd that she had only been sentient for about two months.

The Hostage Video

Bob held back from finishing things early, because he wanted “a battle that we can enjoy and remember for years and ages.” He tried out the “child punch” and “child kick” Robbie had taught him, and briefly bonded with Richard over keto. Then Richard slowly scrolled through an ancient iPhone and showed his new best friend a video. Robbie was locked in a padded room. “We actually picked up a remnant of the hunger after the end of your last battle. The hunger is about to eat Robbie again, if I die.”

Bob was horrified. Richard explained that it had been an accident, and that Robbie “knew something about Hillary Clinton.” His attempt to rattle Bob backfired. Bob shrugged off the next lightning bolt with a promise: “You’ve done the one thing you shouldn’t do, which is take my son into battle. You’ll pay, and you’ll pay dearly.”

The Box of Chaos

For the second half, the Lord of Fate flared his white wings, and a tornado of lightning slammed The Box of Chaos onto the field. Pink and yellow fire shot from its lid, and the shadowy figure clawed its way out once again. Bob sacrificed the “Jort Daddy” friendship bracelet Robbie had made him. The figure slipped it on beside his WWJD and Livestrong bracelets: “This is gonna go great with my collection.” The Box repaid Bob badly. The arena drained to grey around a single burning red circle, and Dolly, the haunted porcelain doll, crawled through a portal and stole his strength with her unblinking stare.

Furious, Bob unleashed a signature move that even Robbie had never seen. His jorts grew to cover him from head to toe (“I am become jorts”), and Gator One and Hannah Montana locked onto his hands. “Behold, Acolytes and Richard, this is the Denim Gator!” He spun like a Beyblade and coated Richard in sweat and gator venom. Then he healed himself instead of finishing the job, so Richard could “sit in it.”

The Dance-Off

Bleeding from the crotch, with a pulled hamstring, Richard triggered his Dick Twist special. Both men’s pants became tuxedo pants. “Bitch, this is a dance-off.” Richard showed off the crop circle clarification, the chinchilla cha-cha and the Bigfoot Boogie, while Bob just copied him. Richard won, recovered some of his strength, and twerked aggressively.

At the Box, the shadowy figure had no idea who Richard was until he and Thea worked it out: “You’re the guy with the frogs in your ass.” Richard sacrificed his mustache. The Box offered him a small blue pill to “keep you going all night long.” He handed it back, because “I’m a political candidate. I would never be blue-pilled.” His second draw gave him a rusty child’s spoon with a helping of tetanus, which let him hit Bob with two afflictions at once. The figure, meanwhile, now wore the mustache like a merkin. Thea interviewed Richard about his strategy and concluded, “You’re pretty stupid. You might get my vote.” Even the Lord of Fate conceded that Dick Twist had a real shot.

The Death of Dick Twist

Bob vowed to put Richard’s ass in the grave, and Thea pointed out a little graveyard beside the fortress. Then Bob ripped off his tuxedo pants to reveal a third layer of jorts (“the jorts never end”) and stacked everything he had into a second Denim Gator. The gators’ teeth dripped with extra venom. He rolled a natural 20. As Bob engorged once more, Richard saw the spectral form of his ultimate foe behind him: a giant chinchilla. His final words were defiant: “Dick Twist is immortal, a state of mind more than a being, more than a man.”

Richard Knottley died, and Bob stuffed every orifice of his corpse with warm, spicy Publix buffalo tenders “to join those damn frogs.” But as Richard fell, the phone dropped from his hand. The video had been a live feed, and the Hunger devoured Robbie. Thea mourned the wasted tenders: “Victory always comes at a loss.” Richard’s ghost promptly appeared behind her. Bob tried to banish it, but Thea pulled out a little ghost net, explaining, “we’ll need you for later,” and chased him around the graveyard.

Dried Blood

Richard’s ghost complained that he had been flying into the seventh heaven with open arms until Thea’s net said no. While a couple of mages worked to sew his ghost back into his body, he insisted that his death was all part of his plan, and that if he returned a third time, everything he had set in motion would take effect. “Everybody loves a comeback story.” He signed off with “Live dangerously.”

Bob credited the gods with his natural 20 and wanted only vengeance for his boy. He left the Acolytes with a promise: “Robbie, I won’t let the hunger take you again, son. Bet on it.” The Lord of Fate replied that they would see how that played out over the season.

Notable Moments

• Thea burst through the Lord of Fate’s own portrait to win Marco Polo.
• Richard pulled a frog out of his ass, threw it as a grenade, and Bob ate it with a knife and fork.
• The Lord of Fate turned every Acolyte’s clothes into jorts.
• Thea drank Bob’s belly-button sweat and vomited on the front row.
• The shadowy figure in the Box of Chaos ended the night wearing Richard’s mustache as a merkin.
• Bob’s victory cost him Robbie, who was eaten by the Hunger on a live feed.

Memorable Quotes

• Bob the Barbarian: “How many gators? I got at least three. One, two, and Hannah Montana.”
• The Lord of Fate: “We don’t acknowledge the cameras… We paid them to be invisible.”
• Richard Knottley: “Big Peloton may have a super pack to the Richard Knottley for president campaign.”
• Bob the Barbarian: “Your jorts need to ride up high and tight to almost expose your genitals and or ass, preferably both.”
• Richard Knottley: “I’m a political candidate. I would never be blue-pilled.”
• Thea: “You’re pretty stupid. You might get my vote.”
• Bob the Barbarian: “He took Robbie. But I had something more powerful. The love of a young boy.”
• Richard Knottley: “Dick Twist is immortal, a state of mind more than a being, more than a man.”

Who and What Appears

Characters

Bob the Barbarian (bigpoppadrockrsl). A Florida man from the Everglades, rumored to carry meth.

• Look and kit:
  • A rotund beer belly and a mustache.
  • Multiple layers of jorts: at least three, light-wash with ripped hems, worn “high and tight.”
• Animals and vehicles:
  • Gators “One, two, and Hannah Montana.” Gator One and Hannah Montana form the Denim Gator.
  • A Harley-Davidson named Cletus.
  • A pink fan boat in the Everglades.
• Robbie:
  • Bob calls himself Robbie’s “new dad”, and Richard calls Robbie his “adopted surrogate son.”
  • Robbie made him the “Jort Daddy” friendship bracelet, which Bob sacrificed to the Box.
  • Bob says he freed Robbie from the Hunger before this episode.
• Abilities:
  • “Reflexes of… panthers.”
  • A secret belly-button blowhole that squirts sweat, which he says all Florida men have.
  • Eats anything fresh, including a butt frog.
• Name: “Just Bob,” from birth.
• Likes: swamps, sun, Publix chicken tenders, Miller Lite, keto.
• This episode: won his second Deathmatch and swore to save Robbie from the Hunger.

Richard Knottley / “Dick Twist” (RealLifeFakeWizard). An old man, “87” by his own claim and “98” by Thea’s.

• Back from death: he died last time of a heart attack on his Peloton after 45 cheeseburgers, “about three weeks ago.”
• Look: a removable, lopsided “real” mustache (Hercule Poirot style), an aluminum foil hat and sunglasses.
• Running for president on the “Peloton party”:
  • Platform: dismantle a government of chinchillas wearing human skin, and stop the lunar moths eating the ozone layer.
  • Backers: a Big Peloton super PAC, Adidas, Payless, KB Toys and Toys R Us.
• Peloton: describes his tie to the company as a Scientology-like lifetime job.
• Powers:
  • Lightning from his Peloton, and “bolts of Wi-Fi” through his foil hat.
  • The Dick Twist special ability: a tuxedo-pants dance-off (crop circle clarification, chinchilla cha-cha, Bigfoot Boogie).
• Frogs: a frog trapped in his orifice, “a gift from God King Bofidis / King Bulfus” (spelling uncertain). He hates King Bulfus and is “still traumatized from the frogs.”
• Other details: colorblind for 42 years, tried keto. Has children (his own claim, in his death monologue).
• Robbie: had Robbie imprisoned with a remnant of the Hunger, which ate Robbie on his death. He blames “guys who work for other guys who work for some black suits.”
• This episode: killed by Bob. His ghost was netted by Thea and is being sewn back into his body by mages.

The Lord of Fate (Mudcat).

• Look: Italian leather shoes and white wings. Portraits of himself line the Dread Fortress halls.
• Thea: says he created Thea, who has been sentient for about two months.
• Powers seen: reality tears, snapping tricycles and jorts into being, removing Thea’s star, and multicolored chaos-storm lightning. He fried the Peloton.
• Politics: would never vote for Dick Twist but thinks he could win.

Thea (Caustic Phoenix). The high-pitched host who summons the champions through pink portals.

• Claims: says she visited Marco Polo through a magic portal.
• Fight-night behavior:
  • Rides an adorable tricycle; won one heat of the race and threw the trike at Bob.
  • Drank Bob’s sweat and vomited on the front row.
  • Lost a forehead star.
• Food and politics: loves Gushers, donuts, goldfish crackers, fruit roll-ups and hot dogs. Can’t vote (“not people”).
• The ghost: netted Richard’s ghost because “we’ll need you for later.”

Robbie. Bob’s “sweet Florida boy.” He was held in a padded room and eaten by “the Hunger” on a live feed when Richard died.

The Hunger. Richard’s people “picked up a remnant of the hunger after the end of [Bob’s] last battle.”

The shadowy figure in the Box of Chaos (Mudcat).

• Bracelets: collects them (WWJD, Livestrong, now Jort Daddy).
• Richard: didn’t remember him at first (“You’re the guy with the frogs in your ass”). Wears his mustache like a merkin.

Dolly, the haunted porcelain doll. A chaos event from the Box. She drains the color from the arena and steals three fighting spirit through eye contact.

The giant chinchilla. A spectral vision Richard sees behind Bob as he dies.

God King Bofidis / King Bulfus. The source of Richard’s frogs (see Spelling).

Marco Polo. Thea claims she spoke to him.

Acolytes in the front row: “Family IT dude, Gator, Judy, Lady, Magdala, Scrib” (probably viewer names; spelling uncertain). Also an unnamed “Thea’s people” sign-holder, dragged off by black-cloaked figures.

Places

• The Dread Fortress halls: underground below the lava fields, air-conditioned, lined with Lord of Fate portraits. A small cupboard room with cabinets and blankets.
• The front porch of the Dread Fortress: the giant skull with blazing eyes, the lava field and the stands.
• The graveyard beside the Dread Fortress: tombstones within walking distance of the front yard.
• The Florida Everglades (Bob’s home).

Items

• Richard’s Peloton (destroyed by chaos lightning).
• Thea’s tricycle and the conjured tricycles.
• The walker with tennis balls.
• Cletus the Harley.
• The Jort Daddy bracelet (now on the Box figure’s wrist).
• Richard’s mustache (now in the Box, worn as a merkin).
• The blue pill (returned).
• The rusty child’s spoon with tetanus (Richard’s, extra status slot).
• Richard’s iPhone SE, which showed the live feed.
• Thea’s microphone and ghost net.
• Publix chicken tenders.

Lore statements

• It’s 50% off slushy night for the Acolytes.
• The Lord of Fate can change every Acolyte’s clothing at once.
• Thea is “not people” and can’t vote.
• The Box of Chaos figure keeps sacrificed items. Thea suggests the blue pill comes up often (“Why do people keep getting this one?”).
• Fallen champions are resurrected by mages sewing their ghosts back into their bodies (Dried Blood).

Full Round-by-Round

Every beat of the episode, with timestamps (click to expand)

Opening: Marco Polo in the Dread Fortress

1. 0:05:31 The scene is deep in the halls of the Dread Fortress, underground in the subterranean castle below the lava fields. It’s much cooler down there, and “a lot of electricity goes into the air conditioning of this place.” The Lord of Fate walks the halls in his Italian leather shoes, which click “with an accent because they’re Italian.” Paintings of himself line the walls. He calls for Thea.
2. 0:06:15 A high-pitched voice echoes back: “Polo!” Thea is playing Marco Polo. If he can’t find her, she wins, and she starts listing the prizes she might get. The Lord of Fate says the game can only be played in water.
3. 0:07:14 Thea says this isn’t true. She went through one of the magic portals and talked to Marco Polo himself. They’re “on a first name basis now,” and he told her he “went more through the desert than I did through the water.”
4. 0:07:56 He follows the voice to a small cubby room with closed cabinets, a pile of blankets and another picture of himself on the wall. Thea: “Do you have dementia? Are you getting old already?” He reminds her it’s Sunday and she should be preparing the deathmatch. She wants to hold it right there in the fortress so they can keep playing. He refuses: “I don’t want blood on the stones.”
5. 0:09:22 He checks under the blankets and finds nothing. Then he lifts his own portrait, and Thea bursts out through the painting, ruining it: “You found me, but I scared you, so I still won.” The Lord of Fate tells her, “You’re paying for this, by the way.”
6. 0:09:49 — The champions. Through the hole in the frame, Thea opens a small pink portal into the three-person cupboard. Since they’re “back at the Dread Fortress and are inviting people back home,” she has brought back fan favorites:
   • Richard Knottley, “put back together from his ridiculous death skill switch thing that he did last time.”
   • Bob the Barbarian, “from the Florida Everglades itself, and probably a lot of meth in his pockets.” Thea says Richard is “getting ready to run for president,” so the fight is a campaign start.
7. 0:10:47 — Dick on his Peloton. Richard arrives riding his Peloton indoors. He is “still traumatized from the frogs.” The Lord of Fate reminds him he died of a heart attack on one of those last time. Richard says he had eaten 45 cheeseburgers that time. Today it’s 37 (“cheat day”), and he has “switched over to lettuce wraps.”
8. 0:11:46 — The platform. Richard wants to “dismantle the current swampy government run by chinchillas that form together and take up superhuman skin to look like humans… like Oogie Boogie… but chinchillas,” and to do it “on day one, 24 hours.” Thea asks if he’s a chinchilla. He raises his eyebrows: “Chinchillas can’t do that.”
9. 0:12:28 — Bob. Bob knows nothing about chinchillas, but he loves a good swamp, so if Richard is anti-swamp “we’re going to have a problem.” He has “at least three” gators: “One, two, and Hannah Montana.” Thea: “This is true. I’ve met them.” Bob: “They’re very friendly when they’re not biting.”
10. 0:13:19 — Robbie. The Lord of Fate asks about Bob’s companion from last time. Bob: “Robbie, my sweet Florida boy.” Robbie is back in the Everglades “riding our pink fan boat… feeding them Publix chicken tenders.” Bob has brought extra tenders. Thea: “Let it rain tenders. I already knew who my winner is going to be,” and sticks her tongue out at Richard.
11. 0:14:12 — Is Thea people? Richard: “You’re still not people… You can’t vote in the upcoming election.” Bob: “You look like people to me.” The Lord of Fate: “Apparently nothing, because she’s not.” Richard says “this entire game is rigged” and speaks into the camera: “This is a matrix machine.” The Lord of Fate: “We don’t acknowledge the cameras… We paid them to be invisible.” Thea: “Can they see up my nose?”
12. 0:14:56 — Out front. The Lord of Fate claps and blows Thea’s portal open into a tear in reality. It leads to the front porch of the Dread Fortress, before the giant skull with its eyes ablaze, on the field of lava.
    • The Acolytes in the stands are spilling their slushies, because it’s 50% off slushy night. Someone is downing hot dogs.
    • A sign reading “Thea’s people” goes up in the crowd, and its holder is abruptly dragged off by figures in black cloaks.
13. 0:15:41 Thea points out they could have just walked out the front door. “Where’s your sense of showmanship?” “I am not a man.” “Showpersonship?… you’re not a person… I can only blame myself here. I created you.” She insists on kicking things off. He tells her she’ll “have to take it up a notch.”
14. 0:16:09 — Initiative. Richard is finishing his Peloton workout and rolls a 4. Bob bets his ass (“I only have one ass to clarify”) and rolls a 13.
    • Thea fumbles a line: “Thea is an ass… I said has an ass.”
    • A “Thea is an ass” sign appears in the crowd.

Round 1

15. 0:17:11 Bob is “excited to be back… nobody gets through my jorts unless I let them in.”
    • Roundhouse kick to the face: hits. (“Kick that dick.” “Don’t kick the dick.”)
    • Knee to the stomach: misses.
    • Backhanded slap “to show my utter disdain”: hits. His hand trembles with glee as he feels himself “engorged.” “My hand’s engorged… It’s a Florida thing.” Thea: “Everything’s engorged in Florida… Floridians are known for their big hands.”
16. 0:19:47 — Peloton lightning. Richard feels disrespected, and “Thea’s already being mean to me.” He has learned to harness the electric currents of the Peloton. He pedals as fast as he can and a lightning bolt blasts from the bike into “Bob square in the engorged.” Thea: “Get him Zeus!”
    • Bob rolls a natural 1 on defense. The hit lands harder and Bob gains a fatigue.
    • Richard’s top speed is “four miles per hour” (“That’s slower than running speed”), at minimum resistance: “That’s just me.”
17. 0:21:28 — The ozone debate. Richard asks Bob where he stands on “the lunar moths that are eating the ozone layer.” Bob likes the sun, so he’s “in favor of a larger ozone layer hole.” Appalled, Richard gets off and hurls the Peloton at him. Thea: “Not your bike! You love that thing!”
    • It misses. Bob has “the reflexes of other Florida animals, not just gators, but panthers,” and crouches low in the mud as it sails over his head.
    • The Lord of Fate asks if Florida really has panthers. Bob: “Swamp Panthers… probably people have them as pets… exotic zoos.”
18. 0:23:15 — The finger wag. The throw was a distraction. Richard runs in “at a brisk three miles an hour” and wags his index finger in Bob’s face as a status effect: “We need to take care of the ozone layer and stop the lunar moths. Don’t you understand, boy?” Thea: “Sometimes I’d wish people would stab me instead of talking to me.” It’s a tie, so both gain a fatigue.
19. 0:24:14 Bob’s instinct is to bite the finger. Instead he tells Richard he doesn’t care about lunar moths or the ozone: “All I give a damn about is my sweet boy, Robbie, and doing him proud as his new dad in winning this victory.” Thea: “Knowledge is power and power is blood and blood is yummy.”
20. 0:25:06 — Thea’s roll and the tricycle race. Thea rolls an 18 and boasts she can do things better than the champions, like ride a bike.
    • She pulls out a small, adorable tricycle: ribbons on the handlebars, clicky beads on the spokes, a little horn and a front basket.
    • The Lord of Fate snaps, and both champions are on tricycles too. He makes the three of them race, best of three.
    • Thea leads the first heat with a 15. Bob rolls a natural 20 in the second. Richard is “making riding a trike look difficult somehow.” Bob wins the third “by a nose.”
21. 0:28:08 — Big Peloton. The bike gods are “whoever invented Peloton.” Richard admits the job is “like a Scientology job… if I leave, I get banned.” The Lord of Fate asks, “Are you in the pocket of Big Peloton?”
    • Richard: “Big Peloton may have a super pack to the Richard Knottley for president campaign.”
    • His other backers are Adidas, Payless Shoes and KB Toys. “We got Toys R Us on the hook.” Thea: “Oh, I like Payless.”

Round 2

23. 0:29:26 Bob confirms the race tie didn’t add a fatigue. He cracks a cold Miller Lite and chugs it “at a furious rate” (Thea: “it looked pretty casual”), filling his rotund belly.
    • Beer belly flop: hits. He leaps high and lands on Dick, belly first. The sweat poisons and slows him: “It’s made of meth, jorts, and beer, baby, the way God intended.”
    • The belly twister: he spins on top of the smashed Richard. It’s a tie, and both gain a fatigue. Richard: “This guy smells like anchovies.”
    • He clears a fatigue, “learning from my young boy, Robbie.” The Lord of Fate: “Dad of the year.”
24. 0:32:33 — Richard’s breathing. Richard steps back and clears a fatigue with deep breathing and a screech.
    • Thea joins in with screeches of her own (“bald eagle screech or… turkey screech or… nails on a chalkboard”). Richard: “Thea, you’re messing with my zen.”
    • Thea: “You sound like you’re 98 years old.” She brings him a small walker with tennis balls on the feet. The Lord of Fate suggests an oxygen tank.
    • Richard “did just suffer a heart attack about three weeks ago.”
25. 0:34:03 “Bob, if that is your real name.” Bob: “It’s just Bob. I came out of the womb that way… my parents weren’t very imaginative.”
26. 0:34:26 — The butt frog. Richard has had “this thing crammed so far up my orifice for a couple of weeks.” He removes the frog trapped in his orifice, says “this is a gift from God King Bofidis,” and lobs it like a grenade. Thea: “Exploding butt frogs! Classic move.” It misses.
27. 0:35:14 — Frog dinner. Bob pulls out a knife and fork, twirls them, cuts the frog up and devours every inch of it: “Mighty tasty good eats.” Richard: “That was on my ass.”
    • Thea calls the ass “God-made oven… Nature’s oven is the bustle.”
    • The Lord of Fate: “He’s been sous-viding it for three weeks inside of his ass.” He adds: “For real, I am now petrified of Bob.”
28. 0:36:38 — Bolts of Wi-Fi. Now “slightly petrified” of Bob, Richard steps back and T-poses. Lightning arcs around him and strikes his aluminum foil hat, then cascades onto Bob. “I use bolts of Wi-Fi.” Thea: “Is that how the internet works?”
    • It hits. Bob: “5G powers activate. Ah, my brain’s cooking.”
    • Bob’s sweat status still burns Richard at the end of his turn.
29. 0:37:59 — Stars. Thea announces the fighting spirit: Richard 10, Bob 14, “plus who knows what after that [frog].” The Lord of Fate: “14 plus bath salts.” Bob: “That comes later, only to celebrate.”
    • Thea rolls a 12 and asks to keep her stars. Then she calls the next round “number two.”
    • The Lord of Fate snaps his fingers and a star disappears from her forehead: “You’re embarrassing us in front of all the Acolytes.” Thea: “It was a test!”

Round 3

30. 0:39:33 — Cletus. Bob’s brain is still scrambled from the 5G. “Like every Florida man,” he summons his trusty steed: “Cletus! Harley Davidson Cletus, ride to me, boy!” He pets its leather seat. The Harley’s tailpipe roar is aimed straight at Richard, but Richard rolls a natural 20 on defense: “Peloton is the ultimate bike on the road.” Bob: “Harley’s forever! Damn you, Cletus… Go, scurry away.”
31. 0:41:00 — Jort punches. Bob reaches “deep into the second layer of jort, beneath the first.” The jorts meld with his fists and he pulls out two denim-covered fists: “It’s time to get jort punched.”
    • The right jort fist rolls a natural 20 and hits. Richard: “they got that denim stench… That’s how deep they were in your crotch.”
    • The left jort punch rolls only a 6, but Richard rolls a natural 1 on defense, so it hits for two more. The punch is so hard that Richard’s mustache falls off: “My mustache… gave up.”
32. 0:42:48 — Jort lore. Thea asks about jean types. Bob says your jort preference “determines a lot about who you are.” His own are “a light jean jort with nice rips at the bottom.”
    • Jorts should never reach the knees. They should “ride up high and tight to almost expose your genitals and or ass, preferably both.”
    • Thea: “We gotta get some for everyone.” The Lord of Fate snaps, and every Acolyte’s clothing turns to jorts. Thea: “No one can sit… you can’t sit in those comfortably.” Bob: “Just a sea of denim… God, I love it here.”
    • Richard is in jorts too: “Why am I wearing jorts? I didn’t ask for this.”
33. 0:44:31 — The mustache. Thea compares Richard’s mustache to Wario’s and Salvador Dalí’s. Richard: “I am Hercule Poirot of the Murder on the Orient Express.” It’s lopsided and keeps falling off. “Thea, you’ve mocked my mustache away. You’re a mustache liar!” He says it “has a mind of its own… it’ll come back stronger next time.”
34. 0:45:21 The scores stand at Bob 15, Dick 7. Richard: “Why are you helping him out?… This game is rigged, folks. Question your government.”
    • He threatens the Lord of Fate: “This is my Dread Fortress now. As soon as I beat him, I’m going to beat you too.” Thea: “I’m pretty sure President is a higher title than Lord.”
35. 0:46:33 — The Lord of Fate’s chaos event. “Let me show you what I’m gonna do.” He raises his hands, and multicolored lightning (yellows, blues, pinks, purples) from the chaos storms above strikes him. He blasts it onto the field.
    • Both champions fail a DC 15 Mettle save. Each takes a point of damage and a fatigue. Thea: “They’re not very good at this.”
    • The bolt was aimed at Richard’s Peloton. It blows the bike apart, and Peloton shrapnel chunks out of both fighters’ bodies.
36. 0:47:58 Richard: “You fucking monster… I will eat you if it is the last thing I do… I will barbecue your ass, string you up, cut you up, feed you to my neighbors.” The Lord of Fate points at Bob: “You’re gonna have to get through him first.”
    • Thea rides up and gives Richard her tricycle “just in case.”
    • The Lord of Fate: “I’m not scared of a man who’s probably gonna have a heart attack walking from there to here.”
37. 0:49:02 — Trike skates. “The campaign trail is a long, hard road. But… Dick is stiff and ready to go.” He lashes the two tricycles to his feet with the remains of the Peloton belt and revs in place “like rollerblades.”
    • “Bob, you’re the last thing that stands between me and eating the Lord of Fate’s ass like corn on the cob.” The Lord of Fate: “You wanna eat my ass?”
    • The attack hits. He whips back and forth, punching Bob on every pass: “Take this, you and your beer belly.”
38. 0:50:13 Richard skates to where he can see the Lord of Fate, flips him off and sticks his tongue out. The Lord of Fate flips him off back: “What are you, a child?” Thea notes she isn’t allowed to invite any more children, so he isn’t one. Richard: “I’m 87 years old.” (“Physiologically, for sure.”) “Still in better condition than the other political candidates.”
    • He clears two fatigues. He still refuses to clear the sweat status and loses more fighting spirit: “I can’t shake the smell of anchovies.”
39. 0:51:42 — Thea drinks the sweat. Thea rolls a 9. She asks Richard if she can lick Bob’s sweat off him. Bob: “You can come to the source.”
    • He squirts “vicious, salty Bob belly sweat” into her open mouth from a secret blowhole where his belly button is: “That’s what all Florida men have.” Richard: “Holy shit, he’s got a whale nose.”
    • Thea vomits violently onto the first row of Acolytes, who are named as “Family IT dude, Gator, Judy, Lady, Magdala, Scrib” (spellings uncertain). She begs for sun cola, a blue slushy or Sprite.
40. 0:54:05 The Lord of Fate: “She’s only been sentient for, like, two months.” Bob: “You have to dilute it if you’re a first-timer… I didn’t realize how young you were.” Thea suggests bottling it for the concession stands. The Lord of Fate: “As a potent aphrodisiac.”

Round 4

41. 0:54:44 Bob is “light and tight” and clears a fatigue. Adrenaline gives him no benefit, but Bob declines to use triple-damage power-ups: “I don’t wanna put him down too early… A battle that we can enjoy and remember for years and ages.”
42. 0:55:49 — Robbie’s techniques.
    • “Child punch” with his small childlike fist: misses. His fists are “not engorged anymore after I squirted.” The Lord of Fate: “That punch came in a little limp.”
    • “Child kick”: hits. Richard: “That’s a full grown man’s foot. It’s like size 12.”
43. 0:57:22 Richard: “Now my dignity and my face hurts again.” Thea: “Oh, you had dignity?” Richard: “I piss dignity like I piss excellence.”
    • The Lord of Fate suggests getting his kidneys checked. Thea offers her “P-chart.” Richard has been “colorblind for 42 years.”
    • Ketone strips come up, and Richard and Bob bond over keto: “We just become best friends.” Richard: “I’m going to kill you in a minute, so.”
    • Thea rants about the foods keto forbids: donuts, goldfish crackers, fruit roll-ups and Gushers (“they look like tiny gems”). The Lord of Fate says that, plus hot dogs, is all she’s ever eaten. “I bet you can make a giraffe out of [ground beef].”
44. 0:59:20 — The hostage video. While Bob is distracted, Richard slowly scrolls one-fingered through an “iPhone SE from 2010”. Since they’re best friends, he decides to show Bob now:
    • “With my political connections affiliations, I may have called for something prematurely… in the event of my unlikely death.”
    • A video shows Robbie locked in a padded room. “We actually picked up a remnant of the hunger after the end of your last battle. The hunger is about to eat Robbie again, if I die.”
45. 1:00:24 Bob: “You monster!… Not my boy!” Richard: “It was an accident… He knew something about Hillary Clinton.”
    • He tries to apply this as a status effect, but rolls a natural 1. Bob: “The only status you’re applying is getting your dick pushed in after I’m done with you.” It backfires, and Richard loses fighting spirit.
    • Richard: “I really was trying to help you out… so you can emotionally process the trauma of your adopted surrogate son being fed back to the hunger… Sorry, not sorry.”
46. 1:01:30 Richard uses Heroic Surge to heal 5, holding up his hands as “the Wi-Fi signals channel into my aluminum foil hat.” Thea asks if jazz hands help. “It’s all in the fingers.”
    • He sends the excess electricity at Bob as another lightning bolt, which misses.
    • Bob: “Your lightning doesn’t do shit to me… you’ve done the one thing you shouldn’t do, which is take my son into battle. You’ll pay, and you’ll pay dearly.”
47. 1:03:00 The Lord of Fate: “But not until after our sponsored break.” Bob: “I can wait.” The break was cut from the mp3.

Second half: the Box of Chaos

48. 1:03:36 Thea explains halves (“halves only have two parts, so you have to be able to kill each other in this part”). Bob is “rock hard… a raging priapism and it’s been over four hours.” Thea: “What happens when the tips touch?” Bob: “You’ll find out soon enough.”
49. 1:05:03 — Summoning the Box. The Lord of Fate stands, flaring his white wings, and the chaos storms gather.
    • “Just to be extra showy for Dick Twist,” a tornado of lightning slams the Box of Chaos onto the field.
    • Pink and yellow fire shoots up from its lid, and the shadowy figure claws its way out “once again.”
    • Rule: sacrifice something to the Box as an action and receive a magic item.

Round 5

50. 1:05:56 Bob’s rage “burns white hot.” Richard: “I didn’t do it, okay? My guys who work for other guys who work for some black suits did.” Bob: “You who took him and imprisoned him and fed him to the hunger once again after I freed him!… I’ve been too kind to you this entire battle.”
51. 1:06:49 — The Jort Daddy bracelet. On his wrist Bob wears a friendship bracelet Robbie made that says “Jort Daddy.” “It’s gonna hurt to put this in the box.” He rips it off and throws it in.
    • The figure catches it: “This is gonna go great with my collection.” He slips it onto his wrist next to a WWJD bracelet and a Livestrong bracelet, and closes the lid with that hand.
52. 1:07:52 — Natural 1: Dolly. Bob rolls a natural 1. Richard: “Nanny nanny poo poo.”
    • The warm lava field turns cold and drains to greyscale, except for one circle burning red into the ground between them.
    • Through a portal comes “a fragile hand… a soft worn cloth body and a cracked porcelain face framed with matted blonde hair. Her black glass eyes stare out as she searches for life”: Dolly, the haunted porcelain doll.
    • Bob fails the Mettle save to avoid eye contact. “Somebody snuck over into the box of chaos and decided to steal a little bit of your health.” Her unblinking stare drains three fighting spirit.
53. 1:09:53 — The Denim Gator. “I can’t believe that giving up the Jort Daddy bracelet resulted in this!” Bob is at 9 fighting spirit with two fatigue, and unleashes his signature move, unseen even by Robbie and honed for years in the Florida swamps:
    • His jorts grow to envelop his entire body, “jorts up to my head, jorts down to my toes. I am become jorts,” except for his arms.
    • Gator number one and Hannah Montana appear and lock onto his hands, tails twisting.
    • “Behold, Acolytes and Richard, this is the Denim Gator!” He spins “fast like a Beyblade,” the gators’ mouths outstretched: “Eat this, you piece of shit!”
    • It hits (“I clicked the wrong fucking button,” speaker uncertain). The gator teeth and scales apply a double status effect. Bob: “Now isn’t just the sweat that’s all over you, it’s my gator poison.”
54. 1:12:30 To “let you sit in it,” Bob uses Heroic Surge to heal rather than finish Richard, returning to 14. “Become even more jort.” “I am jort!” Thea: “I am terrified… these enlarged jorts.” Bob: “Scares even me.”
55. 1:13:51 — Dick Twist’s dance-off. Richard is “bleeding out a little bit from my crotch… pulled a muscle in my hammy… finger’s a little twisted.”
    • He activates “turbo dinosaur power” and triggers his Dick Twist special ability. Bob’s jorts turn into tuxedo pants, and Richard is in tuxedo pants too: “Bitch, this is a dance-off.”
    • It’s a best-of-three roll-off, and the winner gains health. The first heat is tied. The moves:
      • “the crop circle clarification”: a pop and lock.
      • “the chinchilla cha-cha”: “You’d think it’s a cha-cha, it’s not, it’s a deflection.” Thea: “Because the Chinchilla government is one that you don’t trust.” “You keep them on their toes.”
      • “the Bigfoot Boogie.” Bob just copies him, thrusting with his arms.
    • Richard wins and regains three fighting spirit, then twerks aggressively.
56. 1:17:30 Thea asks if Hannah Montana joins the twerking. Bob: “My gators don’t twerk until I want them to.” Richard: “Hannah Montana always twerks for dick.” Bob: “No! Only my dick.”
57. 1:18:18 — Richard at the Box. “Last time we met, we had a moment. We’re not having a moment this time.”
    • The figure: “I’m sorry, who are you?… It’s not ringing a bell.” Richard: “I’m a presidential candidate. Running on the Peloton party.”
    • The figure and Thea: “You’re the guy with the frogs in your ass… all your holes are filled with frogs.” Richard: “I fucking hate King Bulfus.”
    • He peels off his mustache and sacrifices it. Thea: “It looks like my old uncle. It’s kinda gross, but I’ll take it.”
58. 1:19:51 — The blue pill. He rolls an 8, and Thea says, “Why do people keep getting this one?” “From the hand of the blackened soul floats a small blue pill. This should keep you going all night long.” It raises his fatigue limit to six before death: “If your deathmatch lasts longer than four hours, well then that’s your problem.”
    • Richard: “Can I exchange it for a red pill?” “No.”
    • He gives the pill back at the cost of a fatigue, his third: “I’m a political candidate. I would never be blue-pilled.”
    • The shadowy figure is now wearing Richard’s mustache like a merkin. Richard: “High fashion.”
59. 1:21:35 — The spoon. His reroll gives him “seemingly worthless… a spoon… Serve up with a helping of tetanus.” It grants an extra status-effect slot, so he can apply two status effects at once with “this old, rusty, tiny spoon. A child’s spoon, perhaps.” Thea: “My spoon is too big!”
    • Richard thanks the “old box of whatever the heck you are” and taps hard on the lid, and the Box shoots into the sky.
    • He has refused to clear his status effects, so he loses three fighting spirit “and probably from clogged arteries as well.”
60. 1:23:16 — Thea’s interview. Thea pops up with a microphone: what’s his strategy of never curing his status effects? The Lord of Fate: “We always wait for the Dried Bloods for those.”
    • Richard: “We’re still investigating… I have my best advisors on this… Kind of moronic.” Thea: “You’re pretty stupid. You might get my vote.”
    • Richard: “Why choose the lesser intelligence?… Choose the least intelligence.”
    • The Lord of Fate: “I would never vote for Dick Twist, but I think he’s got a real shot at winning… I don’t think we could stop him.”
    • Thea: “Are you vacating your spot?” Someone answers, “I’m not the president of the US.” Thea: “Oh, I thought we were talking about the Void.”
61. 1:24:34 Bob: “I’ll stop him when I put his ass in the grave!” Thea points out a nice little graveyard at the side of the fortress, with tombstones within walking distance, “perfect for you to lay Richard Knottley.” Richard: “I’m invincible. I’ll never be dead.”

Round 6: the death of Dick Twist

62. 1:24:57 Richard is at four fighting spirit. Bob decides to “stack every damn thing I’ve got” into one action: a status effect, a power-up and his second Denim Gator.
    • First he rips off the tuxedo pants, revealing a third layer of jorts: “the jorts never end.”
    • The denim encloses his body and the gators’ teeth fill with extra venom, their bodies lengthened by power-ups: “Denim Gator, Beyblade, unleash.”
    • He rolls a natural 20.
63. 1:27:27 — Richard’s last vision. As Bob engorges once more, Richard sees “behind him the spectral being of my ultimate foe, the giant chinchilla.” Bob: “Funding him all along, or at least I believe so.”
    • Richard’s monologue: “You may win this round, but you will not win them all. Dick Twist is immortal, a state of mind more than a being, more than a man… I like to eat. I like to fight. I have children.”
64. 1:28:38 — Bob narrates the kill. “He didn’t play fair. He took Robbie. But I had something more powerful. The love of a young boy. My son!… That and my gators… I could put him where he belongs, in the ground.” He then stuffs Richard’s corpse with “warm, spicy buffalo tenders from Publix” in “every orifice, to join those damn frogs.” Richard Knottley is dead.
65. 1:29:46 — Robbie. As Richard lets out his death knell, he drops the phone. The video is a live feed, and Robbie is eaten by the Hunger. Bob: “Robbie!” Thea: “Victory always comes at a loss. In this case, we really lost out on some good chicken tenders,” looking sadly at the pile she won’t be eating.
66. 1:30:25 — The ghost. Richard’s ghost appears behind Thea: “You drank his sweat five seconds ago, you sick thing.” Thea: “Wait, did you just vocalize?” Bob: “I banish you, demon!” Thea: “You can’t actually go anywhere because we’ll need you for later.” She pulls out a small ghost net and chases Richard’s ghost around the graveyard and the front yard of the Dread Fortress.
67. 1:31:14 — Sign-off. The Lord of Fate: “We’ve seen blood! We’ve seen death! And a lot of chicken tenders and whatever the fuck else is inside of Richard Knottley’s… I think there’s more than just frogs up there,” as things spew from the corpse. “Welcome, and good night, to D20 Deathmatch!”

Full Dried Blood notes (click to expand)

In-character (canon, Dried Blood)

• 1:35:05 — Richard’s ghost says he is only still there “because you caught me with your net… I was flying away into heaven with open arms… brought up to the seventh heaven, and you said no.” He flies with a swimming motion: “that’s what all ghosts do.” Thea: “I’ve seen a lot of ghosts… they just think it and they fly.”
• 1:35:33 “A couple of mages are trying to wrangle his ghost and sew it back into his lifeless body.” Richard: “You can’t send me back there.”
• 1:36:07 Bob: “All I want is to exact vengeance for my boy… my sweet boy… the D&D gods saw me as worthy, and they gave me that natural 20.”
• 1:38:49 The Lord of Fate says Richard has “died a second time and [is] currently being resurrected.” Richard on voters: “Everybody loves a comeback story… America loves the underdogs… It’s the art of the deal, and you win.”
• 1:39:36 Richard claims his death was “all part of my plan… my death is going to spiral off and create a cascade of events that rattle and shake the country to its very foundations… if I decide to return for a third time, everything I’ve put in place will go into effect.” Thea: “I feel so sorry for your political opponents.” Richard: “I do too.”
• 1:40:35 — Final words. Richard (in sunglasses): “Live dangerously.”
• 1:41:15 Bob: “To the Acolytes, never be afraid to let the Denim cover you. You’ve seen its power. Embrace the gators. And to my boy, my sweet boy, Robbie, I won’t let the hunger take you again, son. Bet on it.” Thea: “Promises, promises.” The Lord of Fate: “We’ll see how that plays out as we move forward in the season.”

Out-of-character (creator notes)

• Mudcat first calls it Episode 8; Caustic Phoenix corrects it to Season 5 Episode 9.
• Bob’s player was new to tabletop games a few weeks earlier and is now 2–0. He jokes about buying a giant d20, a lottery ticket and going to Vegas. He counts three or four nat 20s.
• Richard Knottley is 0–2. Richard’s player blames Foundry VTT for his rolls because he canceled his subscription.
• Mudcat breaks down the final hit: 1 (status effect) + 3 (power-up) + 2 (Denim Gator) + 1 (nat 20) = 7. The nat 20 also healed Bob back to his starting 16. Bob also gained a fatigue for reaching three adrenaline.
• Caustic Phoenix says Richard’s player hyped the fight beforehand with a tweet/Instagram post about the presidential campaign.