S7E5 — Rock and a Hard Place — Iowa-Ska v the Pebble

Watch on YouTube

Rock and a Hard Place pitted Iowa-Ska, a feathered, fanny-packed green dragonborn deep in a midlife crisis, against the Pebble, a four-foot glacier dwarf who never stops being a professional wrestler, not even while bleeding. They fought in Chinchilla Forest, where moose-sized rodents roll in pools of talcum powder and answer to their union rep. Before the night was over there had been a lollipop-pink steel chair, an illegal tag partner, a poison-filled condom and a hibachi lunch break, and the winning champion was hallucinating that his opponent was a video game.

The Story

No Toilets in the Labyrinth

The night opened deep inside the Dread Fortress, “this orc skull,” where the stone halls stay cold even while the lava field outside bubbles and boils. the Arbiter and Thea were arguing over labyrinth design. Thea wanted another door and wanted to know where the potty went, and the Arbiter explained the core philosophy of the craft:

The Arbiter: “We don’t put people in a labyrinth for them to finish it. We want them to die.”

Thea took the lesson to heart (“Oh, so no toilets then”). Then the Arbiter remembered it was Sunday, and it turned out Thea had forgotten to fetch the champions. She insisted that was his job. She did mention two really good friends, “they’re weird,” who could be surprised and dragged in. When the Arbiter warned that an unhappy Grandmaster would be her fault, Thea pointed out that the Grandmaster knew she was “too stupid to be held accountable,” so he would be the one in trouble. He conceded the point. Thea, running on all fours in her small, impish, pig-like body, was sent off to set off the fireworks.

The Arbiter clapped and poofed straight into the throne room. The Grandmaster scolded him: “That is teleportation 101… Even Thea knows places need doors.” He teleported back outside the door and knocked. She told him he could have just opened it, but fine, “use your mana, whatever.” The Arbiter assured her he had picked “top tier,” very experienced champions. When she asked whether they had ever killed anyone, the only answer was “I mean, define kill.” She opened a green, glowing portal, and through it came the stamping of the Acolytes on the bleachers, all calling for a fight.

The Dragonborn and the Dwarf

Iowa-Ska entered first. He was covered head to toe in tropical feathers, his dad-bod dragonborn gut tucked into cloth wraps that became a Conan-style loincloth, and he carried a polearm and a jug of unknown liquid. He kept glancing down at Odorongo, the leopard he believed was with him. The Grandmaster asked whether it was an emotional support animal, and the Arbiter cut in: “You can’t ask for the paperwork.” Odorongo, Iowa-Ska explained, was always with him. Physically. The Grandmaster declared it a bond she dared not separate, and Iowa-Ska announced his purpose:

Iowa-Ska: “After 30 years in middle management, I am prepared to ascend into this arena.”

“Destroy the cubicles, smash the phones,” the Grandmaster told him. When he said his third eye was opening, she asked him to keep it closed until later, for the show.

Then the crowd began chanting “Pebble, Pebble, Pebble.” In strutted a small, handsome and extremely muscular dwarf in shades and a leather jacket, with the most chilling aura. He grabbed his signature microphone: “Finally, the Pebble has come back to D20 Deathmatch.” The Grandmaster asked whether the Arbiter hadn’t prepped the champions beforehand. The Arbiter claimed he’d sent a pamphlet that must have got lost in the mail, and the Grandmaster shoved him back by the face. The Pebble took one look at his opponent and asked whether it was a lizard. Iowa-Ska corrected him: “I’m a green dragonborn, thank you.” The Pebble started a promo about “beat that ass boulevard,” fumbled it, and apologized because he hadn’t practiced in the mirror. The Grandmaster liked his microphone and offered to plug in Thea, who was “just like a walking megaphone, honestly.”

Into the Forest

Through the portal lay a vast green forest of tall trees, with chinchillas almost the size of moose bounding in the background. “All around you here is living,” the Grandmaster said. “I need you to bring me death.” She clapped, a shockwave tore the canopy open, and a ring of Acolytes appeared overhead in “a circle of love.” She flew up to join them, and the Arbiter followed on white, glowing wings.

Iowa-Ska moved first. From his perfectly sized dad fanny pack he swallowed a golden lion’s mane capsule, a vial of AG1 and “another five stack,” every one of them recommended by the Joe Rogan podcast. Then he came in swinging. The Pebble stepped aside and observed, “It’s crazy how you have three eyes yet all of them are still crooked.” The halberd found him anyway. Iowa-Ska spun like the Viper from Game of Thrones and gave his best Pedro Pascal stare. First blood hit the grass and vanished, as if the ground were thirsty. The Pebble complained that he thought this was supposed to be fake fighting. Iowa-Ska pointed to his Vespa and swore to defend it, and cut him across the chest again and again.

The Pebble raised a hand to the crowd and commanded Iowa-Ska to kneel. The Acolytes lost their minds. They ripped off shirts, chugged beer, did ice luges off naked busts and hurled blue slushies, which pumped adrenaline into both fighters. One arched eyebrow, held impossibly high up a massive bald forehead, sealed it, and Iowa-Ska went to his knees. The Pebble, a bard and a monk at once, healed himself, made sure his muscles glistened in high definition, and pulled a steel chair out of the crowd.

That was too much for the Arbiter. “The chair thing, that’s my thing,” he protested. The Grandmaster told him he’d never trademarked it, that the Pebble’s chair was shinier, and that the Arbiter’s were “rusted old chairs.” He insisted his was seasoned, like cast iron. She informed him there were a lot of Reddit posts about it, and promised him a new chair for Christmas. Then two. Then three.

Chaos Rains Down

The Acolytes demanded chaos and got two helpings. First they emptied their pockets into the arena: Dorito chips, axes, a fish, cats, mugs, giraffes, butt sharks, “a lot of goblins” and Hero Forge minifigs. Iowa-Ska dodged it all. The Pebble did not. Then came a tap on a microphone: “Is this thing on? Are we ready? Is it my turn?” Thea had got hold of one, and her karaoke screech flooded the forest. The Pebble produced his own mic and out-yelled her with a natural 20 so loud the trees shuddered. Thea dropped the mic and scampered off, beaten. The Grandmaster ruled that she now owed the Pebble one free call.

On his knees, Iowa-Ska’s luck curdled. Two natural 1s left him exhausted under the weight of his finances: “I’m here because I have an untenable loan on a Vespa that I can barely ride.” When the Pebble asked why he didn’t lease it, he answered, “I have self-respect.” Then one swing struck “just the wrong pebble,” and the flying shards ruined the Vespa’s paint job. “Mother Ayahuasca, you have forsaken me!”

More fanny-pack remedies followed: NeuroGum and a gas-station stamina RX. The Arbiter noticed he had dropped his “magnum condom for your monster dong.” “I don’t use condoms. I’m a dragonborn,” said Iowa-Ska. The Pebble taunted that rumor had it Iowa-Ska had taken that exact magnum, turned it sideways, shined it up and shoved it straight up his candy ass. “It’s already sideways,” came the reply, and the Pebble was dumbfounded: “I’ve never, in all my years of the wrestling business, I’ve never had someone actually want to shove something straight up their ass. This is new territory for me.” The Arbiter asked, for his own edification, whether dragonborn have cloacas. The Grandmaster cited old, possibly outdated textbooks and noted that dragonborn aren’t lizards, just very distant cousins. “If I had two dicks, you would know about it,” Iowa-Ska added.

For the Boulder

The Pebble revealed his frost powers. He was a glacier dwarf from the snowy tundras of the Azure Valley, and he raised ropes and turnbuckles out of the ground, slammed the chair into Iowa-Ska’s head and went for the People’s Elbow. Iowa-Ska was heartbroken to watch his hero admit that maybe it was all staged. He shook ropes that weren’t there and clipped the Pebble’s legs from behind. The elbow came down anyway, and the Pebble’s feet slipped out from under him: “And this is why in my universe that combo is banned.”

As the crowd’s power surged into him, the Pebble took off his glasses and remembered his father, the Boulder. As a wee lad he had watched the Boulder fight storm giant after storm giant until one of them plunged a massive sword up his dad’s ass. The Pebble swore he’d get his get back, and that he’d smile and laugh through it all. His chair turned lollipop pink and white. “This one’s for you, dad.” It folded on Iowa-Ska’s head, and on a natural 20 the clouds took the shape of the Boulder giving a thumbs up. The Pebble then read his next line off his hand: “Stronger than a bear, faster than a buck. But here’s the thing you all need to know. The state of Iowa sucks.” He admitted he’d worked on it all night.

Iowa-Ska stood up and answered with his newest hobby, backed by a brand-new archery range membership: his very first compound bow, bought off eBay and shot twice. “This is for the corn. This is for wooden bat baseball. This is for America.” The Pebble caught the arrow midair and flicked it back. It whizzed past.

Thea, Imbe and the Stampede

Iowa-Ska charged with the halberd, and the Pebble cashed in his call: “Please bring in assistance, dear God.” Thea flew in front of him on unimpressive wings. “I can take this,” she said, and took a hit. Iowa-Ska filled the magnum condom with his poison breath like a water balloon and burst it on her “like a wet bag of sand.” (“You sick freak,” said the Pebble.) The Pebble gave her a pep talk and promised that if she protected him, she could be his manager. On the next strike her butt was facing the halberd, and her cheeks clenched around it. When Iowa-Ska pulled it back, Thea was hanging off the tip, holding on for dear life. He now had a blunt weapon with a screaming imp on the end, and they went rocking off together doing burnouts on the Vespa.

After a short break, the Pebble, now on death’s door, spotted his rival Imbe in the stands: an eight-foot minotaur built like an ox, with a robotic-looking arm and blue-glowing runes on his chest. “Imbe, you son of a bitch. I really don’t want to do this.” He hot-tagged him in. Was that allowed? There was technically no rule against it. “As long as somebody dies, we don’t really care, so have fun, kids,” said the Arbiter. Iowa-Ska stage-dived into a talcum-powder pool (“It looks like you’ve done so much cocaine,” the Grandmaster observed), grabbed the bull by the horns, and roped Imbe in a mess of knots he believed was a clove hitch. Meanwhile, the Pebble oiled up until an old lady in the crowd fainted.

Iowa-Ska took a rip of DMT from his vape and called for “the power of the chinchillas, all of them!” The herd stampeded on soft little paws. The Pebble grabbed one to throw back, and it turned out to be Frank, who had a cigarette in his mouth: “Hands off, guy… My union rep’s going to hear about this.” The Arbiter confirmed that the chinchillas are unionized. “It’s canon.” Thrown, Frank went about two feet: “Oh, jeez, my sciatica.” With the Pebble toppled, Iowa-Ska stood over him and slammed down two javelins, telling Odorongo, “Meat’s back on the table, boy.”

Lunch Break and Rock, Paper, Scissors

A whistle blew: union lunch. A tiny chinchilla chef worked a hibachi and tossed each champion a shrimp. The Pebble slid across his ice and caught his. Iowa-Ska went for the mouth catch and got shrimp-shaped burns stamped on his face. “I thought this was a simulation,” he said. “This is all real,” said the Arbiter. The Pebble went for an eye poke and a low blow. “You need to choose a 50-50, because you don’t know which side my dick is bent,” Iowa-Ska warned him. The Pebble went for the dick twist anyway, then tried to freeze his balls off with icicles, but Iowa-Ska pumped blood to “that steam vent of a root wad” and burst through the ice.

The Arbiter’s own chaos roll came up a 2 (“What are you, the Pebble?”), then a 3. As punishment, Doug the Pug hauled in a whole set of shiny new metal chairs that were now not his until Christmas. The Arbiter insulted Doug’s face. “You do not insult Doug. He can’t even breathe correctly,” the Grandmaster snapped, and sent him to the corner, where he sat on his own bloody chair, facing her. To salvage the moment she called rock, paper, scissors. The Pebble, bound by kayfabe, could only throw rock. Iowa-Ska threw paper, which crushed his hand “from rock to pebble.”

Killing Destiny

As the DMT peaked, Iowa-Ska saw “Destiny 1 and 2” where the Pebble stood. “You have to kill what you love!” “This is for No Land Beyond! This is for Sweet Business! Die, Destiny, die!” The blows rolled the Pebble face-down, revealing a barbed-wire tramp stamp from the Barb Wire release. “Destiny, I loved you, but you didn’t love me back.” The halberd went straight through the middle.

The Pebble’s last thoughts were of never getting his push, and of the jabroni across from him, who “may not get a sponsorship from Bungie” but “will get a sponsorship from the people.” As his eyes closed, Thea tugged his body off toward the locker room, and a small potion touched his lips: “It’ll one day be your time.” The Grandmaster crowned Iowa-Ska champion. He asked everyone to use his code on MailChimp and spun the Vespa in donuts amid flame and pyros.

Dried Blood

Iowa-Ska admitted that, although he may have killed Destiny, a few tweets suggested it might not be dead after all. The Pebble refused to accept the loss as meaning anything: “If you, yes you, want to go one on one with the great one, then the Pebble is only a call away. So just bring it, Jabroni.” At the table, Iowa-Ska’s player celebrated being undefeated “as both a catfish and a dragonborn,” a nod to his earlier champion, Mudcat Mahomes.

Notable Moments

• The Arbiter teleported into the throne room, was scolded, and teleported outside just to knock.
• The Pebble out-screamed Thea’s karaoke with a natural 20 and won her as a one-time assist.
• Thea clamped the halberd between her butt cheeks and hung off the tip for dear life.
• The Pebble hot-tagged in his minotaur rival Imbe, because nobody had made a rule against it.
• Frank the chinchilla, cigarette in mouth, threatened to call his union rep.
• The Pebble lost rock, paper, scissors because he is only capable of throwing rock.

Memorable Quotes

• The Arbiter: “We don’t put people in a labyrinth for them to finish it. We want them to die.”
• Thea: “If you just let people think you’re stupid, you don’t have to be in charge of anything.”
• Iowa-Ska: “I’m here because I have an untenable loan on a Vespa that I can barely ride.”
• The Pebble: “Stronger than a bear, faster than a buck. But here’s the thing you all need to know. The state of Iowa sucks.”
• The Grandmaster: “There’s a lot of Reddit posts about it.”
• Frank: “Whoa, whoa, whoa, hands off, guy. What the hell?… My union rep’s going to hear about this.”
• The Pebble: “The Pebble always has to stay in character. Breaking kayfabe is a sin.”
• Iowa-Ska: “Destiny, I loved you, but you didn’t love me back.”

Who and What Appears

Characters

Iowa-Ska (CaptainRoBear; heard on mic as “Ayahuasca,” also “Iowa Scott,” “Iosca,” “Isla Ska”).

• Who he is:
  • A green dragonborn fighter, mid-forties, after “30 years in middle management.” Dad-bod gut; full tropical-feather headdress; Conan-style loincloth.
  • He has three eyes, per the Pebble, all crooked; his “third eye is opening.”
  • Patriotic Iowan (“for the corn… wooden bat baseball… America… the Iowa caucus”).
• Gear:
  • A halberd (Vex, topple, cleave), a compound bow bought off eBay and shot twice, two javelins, rope, and a poison breath weapon.
  • A jug of unknown liquid and a “dad fanny pack” of supplements: lion’s mane, AG1, a “five stack,” NeuroGum, a gas-station stamina RX, and a Chuck and Clouds vape with DMT.
• Possessions and life:
  • A Vespa with an untenable loan ($118 a month extra) that he refuses to lease out of “self-respect.” Its paint got scratched in this fight.
  • A new archery range membership. Listens to the Joe Rogan podcast. Thought this was “a simulation.”
• Odorongo, a leopard he believes is with him; he later calls it “my jaguar.” Inferred: Odorongo isn’t physically there (1:44:35 “Odorongo who isn’t there”; 0:05:33 “the leopard that I believe to be with me”). Spoken at 0:06:40 as “Physically.”
• Body lore: says dragonborn don’t use condoms. Hinted at two/bent anatomy as jokes; saw off the freeze with a “steam vent.” Shrimp-pattern burn scars on his face from the hibachi.
• In this episode: won. Killed the Pebble while hallucinating him as Destiny 1 and 2.

The Pebble (SenseiSuplex).

• Who he is:
  • A four-foot-tall, very muscular dwarf, a glacier dwarf from the snowy tundras of the Azure Valley with ice/frost powers.
  • Bard and monk. Pro wrestler persona: shades, leather jacket, signature microphone, steel chairs, the People’s Elbow, promos read off his hand.
  • Bald, with a barbed-wire tramp stamp.
• Fighting and history:
  • Claims to have fought cow men, bird men, lizards and bears.
  • Son of the Boulder, a wrestler or fighter who battled storm giants and was killed when a storm giant plunged its sword up his backside while young Pebble watched.
  • Rival and tag partner: Imbe.
  • Refers to “my universe” where his combo is banned. Lives by “If you’re not lying, if you’re not cheating, if you’re not stealing, you’re not trying.” Never breaks kayfabe.
• In this episode:
  • Won Thea’s one-time service by outscreaming her.
  • Killed by Iowa-Ska, then dragged off by Thea, who gave him “a small potion” in the locker room. Inferred revival: “It’ll one day be your time.”
  • Dried Blood: “the Pebble is only a call away.”

Imbe (character of a community member heard as “Kuman”; transcript also “Embe,” “Enfei”). An eight-foot minotaur “built like an ox,” with a robotic-looking arm and blue-glowing runes on his chest. The Pebble’s rival, in the crowd. He was hot-tagged in, grappled by Iowa-Ska and tied up in a messy clove hitch.

The Boulder. The Pebble’s father. He appears in the clouds giving a thumbs up after the nat 20.

Thea (Caustic Phoenix). The Arbiter’s helper, an impish creature with a “pig-like,” “potato-like” body and unimpressive wings.

• Helps design the Dread Fortress labyrinth. Forgot to get the champions and brought “two really good friends… weird” (inferred: these are Iowa-Ska and the Pebble).
• “Too stupid to be held accountable.”
• Did karaoke on a stolen mic and was outscreamed. She owed the Pebble a one-time call and shielded him; got poison-condom-ballooned; clamped the halberd with her butt and rode it.
• Did burnouts with Iowa-Ska. Carried the dead Pebble off with a potion.

The Arbiter (Mudcat).

• Designs labyrinths (“no toilets”). Teleported in, was told off, and teleported outside to knock.
• “Sent a pamphlet.” Steel chairs are “my thing”; he keeps a rusty, “seasoned,” bloody metal chair, the subject of Reddit posts.
• Rolled 2 and 3 for chaos. Lost his new shiny chairs to Doug until Christmas. Insulted Doug and was sent to the corner, where he sat on his own chair facing the GM.
• Wants a raise. White glowing wings.

Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer (Caustic Phoenix).

• Throne room etiquette: knock.
• Allowed the tag-team. Promised the Arbiter new chairs for Christmas (two, three). Gave “the Grandmaster’s blessing” (±3).
• Protects Doug. “Thank God I don’t have balls.” On dragonborn: “very distant cousins” of lizards, and old textbooks say they have cloacas.

Doug the Pug. Pulled the set of new metal chairs on a rope. “He can’t even breathe correctly.”

The chinchillas of Chinchilla Forest. Moose-sized chinchillas that roll in talcum-powder pools and are unionized (“My union rep’s going to hear about this… It’s canon”).

• Frank, the lead chinchilla, who smokes and has sciatica.
• A regular-size chinchilla hibachi chef.
• They take a regulated union lunch break.

The Acolytes. They throw emotes, award heroic surges and adrenaline (blue slushies), and include “Pebble-ites.” An old lady fainted at the Pebble’s oiled muscles.

Places

• The Dread Fortress: “this orc skull that is the Dread Fortress,” cold stone halls above a bubbling lava field, with a labyrinth under design.
• The throne room (Dread Fortress): has a door; the GM insists on knocking.
• Chinchilla Forest (the arena): tall trees, fresh air, ground that drinks blood, a chinchilla den, talcum-powder pools, and a ring of Acolyte stands above the opened canopy.
• The Azure Valley: the snowy tundras the Pebble hails from.
• Iowa (“The state of Iowa sucks”).
• The locker room, where Thea takes the Pebble.

Items

• The Pebble’s signature microphone and steel chair (it bent and turned lollipop-swirled).
• The Arbiter’s rusty/bloody metal chair; the new shiny metal chairs, withheld until Christmas.
• Iowa-Ska’s Vespa (scratched), halberd, eBay compound bow, javelins, magnum condom (used as a poison balloon), and supplements.
• Ice ropes and turnbuckles raised by the Pebble.
• Hibachi shrimp.
• The potion Thea gives the Pebble.

Lore statements

• The arena chinchillas are unionized (the Arbiter: “It’s canon. It’s been established”).
• Dragonborn are not lizards, “very distant cousins”; old textbooks say they have cloacas (GM).
• The Arbiter’s thing is the chairs.
• Champions can tag in a second character; there is no rule against it (“We’ll have to add that in next time”).
• A champion can be “dragged here” by surprise (Thea’s plan).
• Mechanics (not world facts): this season’s blue slushies give adrenaline (five means crits); nat 1s give fatigue; heroic surge and heroic inspiration; channel points.

Full Round-by-Round

Every beat of the episode, with timestamps (click to expand)

Opening: the labyrinth and the forgotten champions

1. 0:00:42 In the halls of the Dread Fortress, the stone is cold and calm while the lava field outside bubbles and boils. The heat fades as they go lower into “this orc skull that is the Dread Fortress.” Arguing echoes from deep inside.
2. 0:01:16 — Labyrinth design. Thea wants another door. The Arbiter says that is “not good labyrinth design.”
   • Thea asks where the potty goes. Arbiter: “You don’t put a potty in a labyrinth.”
   • Thea argues people need to be able to “at least finish it or murder someone.” Arbiter: “We don’t put people in a labyrinth for them to finish it. We want them to die.”
   • Thea: “Oh, so no toilets then.” He quizzes her on what he always says about labyrinths. “No toilets.”
3. 0:02:04 — No champions. The Arbiter pauses the work because it’s Sunday. Thea forgot to get the champions. She says it’s his job and she has to remind him every week.
   • She has “two really good friends. They’re weird.” She forgot to tell them, so they could “just surprise them, and we could drag them here.”
   • Arbiter: if the Grandmaster is unhappy, it’s Thea’s fault. Thea: “If the Grandmaster’s not happy, she knows I’m too stupid to be held accountable. So you’ll be in trouble.” Arbiter: “That’s a great point.”
   • Thea: “If you just let people think you’re stupid, you don’t have to be in charge of anything.”
4. 0:03:17 Thea yells for the Grandmaster. The Arbiter tells her not to yell, because the Grandmaster “likes the theatrics.” He sends her to set off the fireworks. Thea, “in her small, impish, pig-like body,” runs off on all fours.
5. 0:03:40 — Teleportation 101. The Arbiter claps and poofs into the throne room. The Grandmaster scolds him: “You have to knock or something… That is teleportation 101… Even Thea knows places need doors.”
   • He teleports outside the door and knocks. GM: “You could have just opened the door, but that’s fine. Use your mana, whatever.”
6. 0:04:23 The Arbiter claims he picked “top tier” champions who are “very experienced.” Asked whether they have killed anyone: “I mean, define kill… nevermind, it’s fine” (speaker uncertain).
7. 0:04:48 The Grandmaster opens a green, glowing portal. Through it come the sounds of Acolytes stamping on the bleachers and calling for a fight.
8. 0:05:15 Announcer: “On the docket, we have Ayahuasca [Iowa-Ska] versus the Pebble.”

Champion introductions

9. 0:05:33 — Iowa-Ska’s entrance.
   • He wears a full plumage headdress, covered head to toe in tropical feathers.
   • His “dad-bod dragonborn gut” is tucked into wraps of cloth that drape into a Conan the Barbarian-style loincloth.
   • He carries a polearm and a jug of unknown liquid, and keeps looking down at the leopard he believes is with him.
10. 0:06:14 — Odorongo. The GM asks whether it’s an emotional support animal. The Arbiter: “You can’t ask for the paperwork.”
    • Its name is Odorongo: “Odorongo is always with me.” GM: “Spiritually?” Answer: “Physically” (spoken by speaker 02).
    • GM: “That’s clearly a bond between a hunter and its companion that I dare not separate.”
11. 0:06:59 Iowa-Ska: “After 30 years in middle management, I am prepared to ascend into this arena.”
    • GM: “Destroy the cubicles, smash the phones. Today you shall find your freedom.”
    • Iowa-Ska: “My third eye is opening.” GM: “No, no, no, not yet… We keep that closed until later… for the show of everyone.” She pats his back: “I like him.”
12. 0:08:01 — The Pebble’s entrance. The crowd chants “Pebble, Pebble, Pebble.” In walks a small but very handsome, very muscular four-foot-tall dwarf in shades and a leather jacket, with “the most chilling aura.”
    • He eyes “all the millions in attendance” and grabs his signature microphone: “Finally, the Pebble has come back to D20 Deathmatch.”
13. 0:09:05 GM: “You didn’t prep them beforehand, Arbiter?” Arbiter: “I sent a pamphlet. It must have got lost in the mail.”
    • She puts her hand over his face and shoves him back.
    • “Pebble, allow me to introduce you to the Dread Fortress… I’m Elusia Skypiercer and I reign supreme here.”
14. 0:09:41 Pebble: “Is this a freak joke? What the hell is that? Is that like a lizard?” Iowa-Ska: “I’m a green dragonborn, thank you, and I have ascended through time and space to be here.”
15. 0:10:01 — The promo. Pebble: “You’re going to get your ass beat the same way all the way down to beat that ass boulevard.”
    • He flubs the line: “Sorry, it’s been a while since I’ve had to practice my lines. I didn’t get to look in the mirror for a promo.”
16. 0:10:25 — The microphone. The GM steps between them: no kicking “in my locker room.” She appreciates that he brought his own microphone (“you need like a little bit of an amplifier”).
    • She offers Thea as a plug-in: “She’s just like a walking megaphone, honestly.” Pebble: “If the Pebble requires [it], I’ll let you know.”
    • “See… Not bad… You did not do a bad job at all. I will allow it” (speaker split unclear).

The arena: Chinchilla Forest

17. 0:10:55 Through the green portal: “As you step into our forest, be prepared that it may be the last place you visit.”
    • A huge open forest of tall trees. Chinchillas “almost the size of moose” run in the background.
    • “The air is fresh. The grass is green… All around you here is living. I need you to bring me death.”
18. 0:12:03 The GM claps. A wave like an explosion shakes the trees and opens the sky. Above is a ring of Acolytes in “a circle of love” chanting the names.
    • She flies up to sit among them: “Do not disappoint us.”
    • The Arbiter launches into the sky, flaring his white glowing wings.
19. 0:13:14 — Initiative. Iowa-Ska rolls 10, the Pebble 2. GM to Iowa-Ska: “This is feeling like home to you. These forests, this greenery.”

Round 1

20. 0:13:40 — The supplements. From his “perfectly sized dad fanny pack” Iowa-Ska takes:
    • a golden lion’s mane capsule,
    • a vial of AG1,
    • “another five stack,”
    • all recommended by the Joe Rogan podcast. He takes them all at once.
    • He sets his halberd to Vex and comes in swinging. The halberd gleams in the sun.
21. 0:14:40 The Pebble slowly moves aside, unfazed: “It’s crazy how you have three eyes yet all of them are still crooked.”
22. 0:14:58 — The Viper. The first swing looks like a miss (“you are looking all sorts of ways, but not straight ahead”). He adds heroic inspiration, and it lands.
    • “Studying everything I know about using a two-handed weapon from Game of Thrones and the Viper,” he retreats with his best “Pedro Pascal stare.” GM: “The Pedro Pascal stare always wins.”
    • First blood splatters on the grass and is absorbed quickly, “as if this ground is thirsty.”
23. 0:16:17 — The Vespa. Iowa-Ska spins Viper-style for a second strike. The Pebble interrupts (“[the Pebble] can do whatever he damn well pleases”): “Lean in, lizard, not lizard, man, come here.”
    • Iowa-Ska: “I’m a dragonborn and a middle-aged one at that.”
    • The Pebble, half breaking character: “I thought this was supposed to be fake fighting… you actually, like, cut me up.” Iowa-Ska: “There’s no joke about a midlife crisis, Pebble.” Pebble: “This guy doesn’t break [kayfabe?] or anything.”
    • Iowa-Ska points aside: “That’s my Vespa, Pebble, and I’m going to defend it.” GM: “It’s a very nice Vespa.”
    • The hit lands. The Pebble flies back screaming: “I think we’re gonna die. The Pebble has to believe.”
24. 0:17:53 A final butt-end polearm swing (“spinning uselessly multiple times around to get to the other side”) hits too. An unrelenting barrage slashes across the Pebble’s chest.
25. 0:19:12 — “Kneel.” Pebble: “This guy’s a little bit stiff in the ring.” He “reloads his arms like Henry Cavill” and raises a hand to the chanting fans: “Iowa-Ska, it’s time to play a game.”
    • Iowa-Ska: “No! I don’t have time to play games! I’m middle-aged!”
    • “The level [Pebble?] says… to kneel.” He casts command.
26. 0:20:05 — The crowd goes wild. People rip off their shirts, chug beers, and do ice luges off naked busts. Slushies fly.
    • The Acolytes award Iowa-Ska a heroic surge (“break the rules, go above and beyond for one turn”). Both champions get adrenaline from the blue slushies.
    • GM: “Those channel points aren’t just for looks. Now they got value… Beg for their success… Or you can sit back and watch them suffer.”
27. 0:21:27 — The eyebrow. Pebble: “Get dirty with the devil because now it’s time for you to get a steel chair to the head.” He strikes a ridiculous pose and raises one eyebrow.
    • The GM calls a performance check on the eyebrow; it succeeds. The arch rises up the massive forehead: “it’s really hard when you’re bald of like where your forehead versus the top of your head begins.”
    • The command lands: Iowa-Ska kneels (prone from Round 2 on).
28. 0:22:55 The Pebble has to make sure his muscles glisten “in high definition.” He is a bard and also a monk, and uses wholeness of body to heal. More blue slushies douse him.
29. 0:23:45 — The steel chair. He walks slowly toward Iowa-Ska, snatches a steel chair from the crowd, winks, and holds it over his head.

The chair grievance

30. 0:24:01 GM: “This guy just keeps pulling chairs out of nowhere. It’s kind of like a magic trick.”
    • Arbiter: “The chair thing, that’s my thing. Like, you know that I do the chairs here.”
    • GM: “You didn’t trademark it, and… his chair is shinier than yours. You always went with, like, rusted old chairs.”
    • Arbiter: “It’s like a cast iron, you know? You’ve got to season it.” GM: “No… His is shiny and fresh and it has life… you’re just like an old retired dude… maybe you get a little extra tetanus shot in there at best.”
    • Arbiter: “Has everybody been thinking about this, about my metal chair this whole time?” GM: “There’s a lot of Reddit posts about it.”
    • “We’re going to get you a new chair for Christmas. … Two new chairs… Three.”

Chaos events 1 and 2 (0:25:16)

31. The Acolytes demand chaos and trigger two chaotic events. Both champions roll high (18 and 17).
32. 0:26:08 — The Acolytes throw things. GM: “Throw whatever you have in your pockets down at the champions.”
    • The Acolytes toss their emotes into the arena: Dorito chips, “some weird blue thing,” axes, a fish, people, cats, mugs, giraffes, butt sharks, “a lot of goblins,” footballs, squirrels and Hero Forge minifigs.
    • Iowa-Ska dodges. The Pebble is hit.
33. 0:27:53 — Thea’s karaoke. A tap on the microphone. Thea: “Is this thing on? Are we ready? Is it my turn?” Arbiter: “Who gave her a microphone?” Thea: “Welcome to D20!”
    • Her screeching floods the arena. Iowa-Ska uses a luck point.
34. 0:28:46 — Outscreamed. The Pebble: “Oh, so you got a microphone too? Well, the Pebble also has one.” He yells “la, la, la” louder than Thea. GM allows Athletics for his lungs.
    • Nat 20. “You can’t stop the Pebble, baby!” His voice booms, and the trees shudder.
    • Thea freezes, drops the mic and scampers away, outdone.
    • GM: “Thea, from this point on, will answer to you… she will do a one-time free call.” Pebble: “Goddamn right.” GM: “Damn, my ears.”

Round 2

35. 0:30:28 Commanded to kneel, Iowa-Ska “can no longer do my best Pedro Pascal” and attacks from prone, calling on “the power of time and space and the lion’s mane and AG1.”
    • GM: “Anytime… you make a Joe Rogan reference, I think it needs to be at disadvantage.”
    • Nat 1, which gives him fatigue. “This mortgage is weighing me down.”
36. 0:31:34 His last swing hits anyway (double 13s).
    • Iowa-Ska: “I’m here because I have an untenable loan on a Vespa that I can barely ride.”
    • Pebble: “Why didn’t you lease it?” “I have self-respect.”
37. 0:32:46 His polearm-strike bonus action comes up another nat 1. “The weight of this extra $118 payment a month is gonna break me.” Another fatigue.
    • GM: “If you get five of those, you’ll die.” Arbiter: “No, we don’t do that anymore… It’ll hurt a lot.”
38. 0:33:46 — The wrong pebble. As the consequence of the second nat 1, he hits a pebble, “just the wrong pebble.” Dirt and rock shards fly and ruin the paint job on his Vespa.
    • “Should’ve leased it.”
    • “On my knees like the end of Platoon, I raise up: Mother Ayahuasca, you have forsaken me!”
39. 0:34:35 Both champions reach five blue slushies (five adrenaline), so their next hits deal critical damage.
40. 0:35:04 — The fanny pack. Iowa-Ska pulls a fist of NeuroGum (“Truckers love it”) and a gas-station stamina RX.
    • Arbiter: “It also looks like you dropped your magnum condom for your monster dong.” Iowa-Ska: “I don’t use condoms. I’m a dragonborn.”
41. 0:35:36 — The candy-ass rumor. Pebble: “Rumor has it that you took that exact same magnum… turned that son of a bitch sideways… shined it up real nice and shoved it straight up your candy ass.” Reply: “It’s already sideways.”
    • The Pebble is dumbfounded: “I’ve never, in all my years of the wrestling business, I’ve never had someone actually want to shove something straight up their ass. This is new territory for me.”
    • The GM calls opposed Intelligence checks: “Why is this a biology class we didn’t sign up for?” The Pebble wins easily and shakes off being stunned: “Yeah, that sounds right.”
42. 0:37:32 — Cloacas. Arbiter: “This is just for my own edification… Do dragonborn have cloacas?”
    • GM: “According to the old textbooks, yes, but those could also be outdated.” She knows lizards have cloacas, but “Dragonborns aren’t lizards. They’re, like, very distant cousins.”
    • Iowa-Ska: “If I had two dicks, you would know about it.” GM: “I don’t want to know anymore.” “Who knows what any of these things are? We just say them.”
43. 0:38:45 — The finisher. GM: “For a rock, you’re getting hit a lot.” Pebble: “Are you telling the Pebble what to do?” “I would never, but I did, yes.”
    • He is a glacier dwarf “hailing from the snowy tundras of the Azure Valley,” with frost powers.
    • He raises a set of ropes and two turnbuckles from the ground, sets Iowa-Ska up and slams the chair into his head. Then he walks back for a massive People’s Elbow to the sternum.
44. 0:39:59 — Heartbreak and a clip. As he walks back, Iowa-Ska uses his reaction (polearm/Sentinel) to swing from prone. It hits, and the crit counts.
    • He is “completely internally destroyed watching one of his heroes of the past, the Pebble, admit that maybe all of this is staged. His internal mind breaking like a kaleidoscope of light.”
    • He shakes ropes that aren’t there, grabs his polearm and clips the Pebble’s legs from behind before the elbow lands.
45. 0:41:45 Pebble: “If you want to get your ass kicked that bad, then so be it.” He drops the elbow anyway; his feet slip out behind him. “And this is why in my universe that combo is banned.” Someone shouts from the stands, “And he’s gonna slip.”
46. 0:42:23 — The heroic surge. The Pebble swings the chair with advantage and a stunning strike. The Acolytes give him a heroic surge as the floor shakes with his name. He rolls a 2 and a 3 and misses.
47. 0:43:23 — The flashback. The GM asks how the surge looks, “their power, spirit bombing inside you.” The Pebble takes off his glasses and remembers why he does this.
    • As a wee lad he cheered for his dad, the Boulder, who fought “storm giant after storm giant”: “Get him, Boulder! Get him! Kick his ass, Dad!”
    • Eventually a storm giant plunged its massive sword up his dad’s ass. “It was a traumatic moment that day. He could never recover.” He swore he’d get his get back, “and he’d smile, damn it… Most of all, he’d laugh.”
48. 0:44:46 — The lollipop chair. He grabs the chair with everything he has, and it turns lollipop pink and white swirls.
    • Shades back on: “This one’s for you, dad.” “For the Boulder!”
    • It hits, and the chair bends and folds on Iowa-Ska’s head. Ringing ears; a stun attempt (Iowa-Ska saves).
49. 0:46:11 He slams it “down, and down, and down” in a rhythm. The second swing is a nat 20. The clouds take the shape of the Boulder, his father, giving a thumbs up.
50. 0:47:05 — The promo off his hand. Overcome: “I’m going to whip his candy ass, dad!” He heals and declares: “When you have the power of the people behind you, nothing can take you out… I had to fight cow man after cow man, bird man after bird man. I had to fight lizards. I had to fight bears.”
    • He reads the next line off his hand where the crowd can’t see: “Stronger than a bear, faster than a buck. But here’s the thing you all need to know. The state of Iowa sucks.”
    • He kicks Iowa-Ska in the head. “I worked on that one all night.” With Iowa-Ska’s fatigue, the blows land very hard.
51. 0:48:42 — The archery membership. Iowa-Ska: “I’m mid forties and I just got a membership to an archery range.”
    • He second-winds, stands up and moves off with tactical shift.
    • He pulls out his very first compound bow, off eBay, shot twice, with no idea how it works. He sets it to topple. GM: “Someone’s a pro.” “I’m not a pro. I listen to podcasts.”
    • GM: “After you insult Iowa, we bring out our midlife crisis hobbies.”
52. 0:51:09 “This is for the corn. This is for wooden bat baseball. This is for America.” The arrow hits.
53. 0:51:23 — Deflected. Pebble: “Whoa, whoa… there ain’t no way.” Monk: he freezes the arrow midair and catches it. GM: “Weird, he didn’t seem religious at all.”
    • He flicks it back at Iowa-Ska’s chest (“not the desirables”). GM: “What are we in, Australia? That’s like a boomerang.”
    • Iowa-Ska adds heroic inspiration to dodge, and the arrow whizzes past his side.

Round 3 — Thea the shield

54. 0:53:50 Seeing the bow is futile (“I haven’t let my membership go nearly long enough to consider myself a pro”), Iowa-Ska throws his arms back Naruto-style, returns to the halberd, action surges and charges for three swings.
55. 0:54:19 — The one-time call. The Pebble yells for Thea: “Please bring in assistance, dear God.”
    • She flies in front of him as a shield, “this potato-like body” with no impressive wings, ready to get stabbed.
    • Iowa-Ska cleaves. One hit lands on the Pebble, who flops on the ground like a fish.
    • Thea: “[It’s my turn?] I can take this.” She absorbs the next hit.
56. 0:56:02 — The poison balloon. Citing “outside interference,” Iowa-Ska grabs the magnum condom off the ground. He fills it with his poison breath weapon like a giant water balloon and swings it. (“Homie, don’t play that!”)
    • Thea saves first. Her Dex “is pretty minimal.” It bursts on her “like a wet bag of sand.”
    • Pebble: “You sick freak.” “What is wrong with you?”
57. 0:57:22 “This is for the Iowa caucus.” Last strike. Thea: “I can’t do it anymore!”
58. 0:57:48 — The pep talk. Pebble: “You gotta believe!… What really matters is perseverance, power, grit… I think I have a song for this. It’s about speed. It’s about power… Never mind.”
    • “Take that magnum condom, piss and guts and whatever the fuck is in that, and I need you to protect the Pebble. Can you do that?”
    • If she succeeds, she can be his manager. GM: “Thea has been beaten with the weirdest things now, and she has dying hope.”
59. 0:59:03 — The Iowa Clapper. On the final hit, Thea’s butt is facing the halberd. Her cheeks clench and clasp it. When Iowa-Ska pulls it back, Thea is hanging off the very tip, holding on for dear life. Iowa-Ska: “You know the Iowa Clapper.”
60. 0:59:53 Arbiter: “Can we get Thea off the battlefield? She’s interfering with everything.” GM: it’s up to Iowa-Ska.
    • With Thea on it, the halberd can be a bludgeoning weapon. If he hits enough with it, she can add “extra screeching damage… like the singing sword.”
    • Iowa-Ska: “I don’t like where this is going.” He ends his turn. Arbiter to Thea: “It’s going to be a long ride, little one.”
61. 1:00:44 — The break. The Arbiter “can’t go to the bathroom” mid-round and asks the Pebble’s permission. Pebble: “A Pebble needs to reconvene. He needs to make a couple of phone calls.”
    • “We’ll return in ten minutes.” Name that monster.

After the break

62. 1:11:23 Arbiter recap: the Pebble is “beyond fucked up. On death’s door,” with Thea “saving his ass with her ass due to the agreed upon pact.” “No one’s coming to save it. Not anymore.”
63. 1:11:57 — The hot tag. Pebble: “That’s where you’re wrong. Because the Pebble always knows who to call.”
    • In the stands he spots his rival: Imbe, a massive minotaur about eight feet tall, “built like an ox, literally,” with a robotic-looking arm and blue-glowing runes on his chest.
    • “Imbe, you son of a bitch. I really don’t want to do this. I’m going to kick your ass at some point, but the Pebble needs a little bit of help.”
    • He leaps and hot-tags Imbe in for one tag-team maneuver.
    • GM: “Wait, they’re bringing in a second character. Is that allowed, Arbiter?” Arbiter: “We don’t technically have a rule against it.” GM: “We’ll have to add that in next time.”
    • Pebble: Imbe will take Iowa-Ska “to Suplex City.” Iowa-Ska: “This is bullshit!” Pebble: “It doesn’t matter if it’s bullshit.” Arbiter: “As long as somebody dies, we don’t really care, so have fun, kids.”
    • Price: all of the Pebble’s adrenaline.
64. 1:15:36 — Burnouts and talcum powder. Meanwhile, Iowa-Ska and Thea “are just rocking out.” Iowa-Ska: “I’m still doing burnouts! Go faster! I don’t care if it’s scratched, I’m having fun for the first time!”
    • The Arbiter names the place: “this is Chinchilla Forest.”
    • Iowa-Ska stage-dives into one of the giant plastic pools of talcum powder where the chinchillas roll. GM: “It looks like you’ve done so much cocaine.”
    • He gets up “from my chinchilla ecstasy just in time to see this minotaur running at me.”
65. 1:16:34 — Grab the bull. Imbe tries to gore and pin him. Iowa-Ska wins the grapple contest: “Sometimes you gotta grab the bull by the horns!”
66. 1:17:04 — The oil. Behind the distraction, the Pebble “oils it up.” GM: “What kind of oil heals?”
    • Pebble: it isn’t healing; it makes his muscles shine. An old lady in the crowd faints, “oh, my goodness,” and that gives him “the confidence that he needs to keep on fighting just one more match.”
    • Mechanically, a second-level cure wounds (low rolls, “Pathfinder healing”).
67. 1:18:33 — Roping the minotaur. Iowa-Ska “channel[s] every country song I’ve ever heard before about roping cattle”: “I’m going to put these ears down flat.” He twists Imbe to the ground and ties him up. “Are you not entertained?”
    • Survival check: “It’s enough, but they’re not pretty knots.” He thinks it’s a clove hitch. It’s “just a mess of fucking ropes,” all the way over by the chinchilla den.
68. 1:19:27 — DMT and the chinchillas. With “the power of Joe Rogan’s podcast,” he takes “a rip off of my Chuck and Clouds branded vape to let the DMT surge through me”: “I’m gonna need the power of the chinchillas, all of them!” He draws the bow so the chinchillas rush the Pebble on a single shot.
69. 1:20:21 The Pebble’s bonus action is Dodge: jumping side to side, “almost dancing.”
    • End of Round 3. The Acolytes scream for chaos (“They’ve paid for it”).
    • The GM folds the chaos into the chinchilla attack, then plays out the event after.

Round 4 — the chinchilla stampede

70. 1:21:26 At disadvantage, the shot still hits. The chinchillas stampede: “tiny little soft paws and talcum powder kicks up.”
71. 1:22:01 — Frank. The Pebble grabs one of the moose-sized chinchillas (“We super feed ours here”) to deflect it back. It has a cigarette in its mouth:
    • “Whoa, whoa, whoa, hands off, guy. What the hell?” “You can speak.” “Yeah, of course we can speak. My union rep’s going to hear about this.”
    • Arbiter: “They are unionized. It’s canon. It’s been established.”
72. 1:23:20 Iowa-Ska spends his heroic surge on the chinchillas: “Put some cheese on that bitch.” “I’ve done DMT!” “You may be able to catch my arrow, but you can’t catch these chinchillas.”
73. 1:24:41 — Cutting words. The Pebble insults the crooked eyes: “One eye going this way, one eye going to the right, and one eye going up.” He slaps the crooked eye straight. The words from his mic deal psychic damage. GM: “You can’t help the fact that you have a crooked eye… It’s sensitive.”
74. 1:25:40 He blunts most of the stampede but can’t throw it back. He launches Frank, the lead chinchilla, who goes about two feet and flops on the ground: “Oh, jeez, my sciatica.”
75. 1:26:03 — “Meat’s back on the table.” With the Pebble toppled, Iowa-Ska Naruto-runs in and plants his (now bludgeoning) polearm firmly over the Pebble.
    • He pulls out two javelins and looks down at “Odorongo, my jaguar”: “Meat’s back on the table, boy.” He slams the javelins down.
76. 1:26:54 — In-ring talk. Pebble, quietly: “Hit me with all you got. I can take it… You can be a little bit stiff with it.”
    • Arbiter: “Pebble’s cutting his eye with [a] razor blade.” A packet of Kool-Aid pours over his face. The javelins hit.
    • GM: “The pressure is mounting. The yelling is louder. The bleeding is bleeding.”
77. 1:28:06 Iowa-Ska “Hulks out” in “DMT mode” over the Pebble and heals himself a lot.
78. 1:28:29 — The ref. The Pebble gets in the referee’s face: “You paid them off. I know you’re cheating… You’re telling me he’s able to heal for what? 20 freaking damage.”
    • GM: “Does he not know that’s how the dice work?” Arbiter: “We have tried to keep you alive here.”
    • The Pebble demands a d100 for damage. Arbiter’s deal: guess a number from 1 to 100. If he rolls it, he can use a d100 as his damage die. The GM adds “the Grandmaster’s blessing,” ±3.
79. 1:29:53 He picks “the only number the Pebble knows”: 69, with an eyebrow raise to the camera (“Rezzy knows about it in chat”). He rolls 79.
    • GM: “Oh, it sucks when the 69 is disappointing.” Arbiter: “It only looks better than it feels.”
    • (An alternate-universe check roll shows 97: “You could have won it all!”)
80. 1:30:30 As boos come from “all the Pebble-ites,” Iowa-Ska uses his poison breath weapon on the rest of the crowd: “Choke it up!”

Chaos event 3 — the chinchilla union lunch break (1:31:26)

81. A whistle blows: the union break. “It’s regulated, we can’t help this.” A chinchilla: “Lunchtime, boys!”
    • A table rolls out with bowls of meat, eggs, noodles and shrimp.
    • A tiny, regular-size chinchilla chef runs a hibachi table for the union workers, dicing noodles and making onion ring volcanoes.
    • It makes eye contact with each champion and throws them a shrimp.
82. 1:32:20 Iowa-Ska takes disadvantage on purpose to get “the pee-pee squirt of the chef on the hibachi” with his mouth open. GM: “How dare you have fun?”
    • Catch it and heal; miss and burn, “because them shrimp are hot.”
83. 1:32:54 The Pebble slides out of the way on his ice and catches his, healing. Iowa-Ska is burned. “I know we were friends!”
    • He is left with burn scars in shrimp patterns, as if stamped on his face: “this is a hibachi you’ll remember.”
    • Iowa-Ska: “I thought this was a simulation.” Arbiter: “This is all real.”
84. 1:33:59 Nobody knows whose turn it is. GM: “Combat is a flat circle.”

Round 4 continued — the dick twist

85. 1:34:22 Pebble: “These referees don’t know what they’re doing.” His most valuable wrestling lesson: “If you’re not lying, if you’re not cheating, if you’re not stealing, you’re not trying.” He goes for the eye poke and low blow.
    • Iowa-Ska: “You need to choose a 50-50, because you don’t know which side my dick is bent.” Arbiter: “You said you had two.”
    • Iowa-Ska: “I’m not a wizard! I’m [Raptor Dicks?]… If I did, I’d have a post about being a double-dicked man on Reddit, too!”
86. 1:35:27 The Pebble chooses the dick twist (Hold Person), “the Hail Mary, y’all.” GM: “It’s more of the fear that he’s going for it.”
    • Iowa-Ska saves. The Pebble tries his ice powers to “freeze his balls off,” shooting up icicles.
87. 1:36:43 — The steam vent. Iowa-Ska channels “everything I’ve learned about meditation online and the three podcasts I’ve clicked on Instagram.” Thanks to the stamina RX, he pumps all the blood toward “that steam vent of a root wad.” It bursts through the ice instantly.
    • “I just have a loincloth, man… Like a turning of the tassel. Turned my loincloth over to the other side.” “Come at me, bro.”
    • GM: “I would be afraid if you try to freeze his balls off and he comes back at you louder and bigger.”
88. 1:37:51 Pebble: “After that display, I don’t know if I want to do anything else… Just bring it.” He uses wholeness of body a final time and readies for the final battle.
89. 1:38:18 End of Round 4: Iowa-Ska well ahead on health, the Pebble “hanging in there little bit by little bit.”
    • Arbiter: “I told you, I chose great champions tonight.” GM: “I feel like I should give you a raise.” Arbiter: “I think it’s about time I got treated a little bit better around here.”
    • GM: “Thank God I don’t have balls because I was clenching everything between my legs in that moment.”

Chaos event 4/5 — Doug and the chairs (1:39:16)

90. The Arbiter calls it “a fifth chaotic event.” It is the first the Arbiter himself rolls. GM: “It better be a good roll. You’ve been talking a big game.”
    • He rolls a 2. GM: “What are you, the Pebble?” Pebble: “That’s offensive.” “Tell me I’m wrong.” “Okay, you’re not.”
    • He rerolls and gets a 3: “I’m rusty. It’s been a minute.” GM: “This takes away all the goodwill you had in finding good champions.”
    • “Five’s average… Five’s a good boy.”
91. 1:40:43 — Doug the Pug. GM: “I was gonna let you bring out your own new shiny chair that we got you, but you don’t deserve it.” Doug the Pug pulls a whole set of brand-new shiny metal chairs on a rope.
    • Arbiter: “Oh, fuck you, Doug.” GM: “No longer yours… You’re gonna have to now wait till Christmas.”
92. 1:41:03 Arbiter: “You’re not gonna taunt me with that little dog whose face looks like it was smashed in by one of those chairs.”
    • GM: “You do not insult Doug. He can’t even breathe correctly. … Nobody insults Doug the Pug.” She sends him to sit in the corner, on the ground, since he hasn’t earned a chair.
    • He goes, “but just because I don’t want to be near you.” He puts out his own bloody metal chair and sits facing her.
93. 1:41:44 — Rock, paper, scissors. To salvage the moment the GM calls “the oldest of rituals, the greatest of duels”: rock, paper, scissors, shoot, one try, loser takes damage.
    • Pebble: “Do you smell what the Pebble’s brewing?” GM: “Smells like shit… Now take it all back.”
94. 1:42:55 The Pebble throws rock. Iowa-Ska throws paper. Pebble: “The Pebble can only do one maneuver… he’s compelled to.”
    • Arbiter: “I don’t know how I didn’t see that coming… Masterclass.” Iowa-Ska: “I’m so sorry, Pebble, I didn’t even think of that.”
    • Pebble: “The Pebble always has to stay in character. Breaking kayfabe is a sin. We never do that… For all the fans out there, they have to believe just this one night that wrestling is real.”
    • GM: the paper covers his hand, “clenching, breaking knuckle and bone as you feel it being compressed indeed from rock to pebble.”
95. 1:44:35 Iowa-Ska slowly lifts the Pebble off from under his halberd and sets him on top of Odorongo, “who isn’t there. So… the last like 12 inches are kind of a fall, but it’s a gentle fall.”

Round 5 — killing Destiny

96. 1:44:55 The DMT trip ends and the kaleidoscope focuses: “It’s all about having the death of your ego. And it’s time to kill what you love.”
    • He opens his eyes and sees “an image of Destiny 1 and 2” where the Pebble stands. “You have to kill what you love!”
    • Pebble: “You’re supposed to be the face. You’re supposed to make the people cheer, not cry.”
97. 1:45:46 “This is for No Land Beyond!” A hit. “This is for Sweet Business!”
    • The Pebble’s last cutting words fails (“I hate live service”).
    • A second hit (GM: “Even the Grandmaster is feeling every bit of this attack”), then the bonus-action polearm strike: “Die, Destiny, die!” Arbiter: “That is enough.”
98. 1:48:22 — The tramp stamp. The hits have rolled the Pebble over, butt up, and “there’s a target.” Iowa-Ska sees “this ass on the back end of a Destiny cartridge.”
    • “The DMT chinchillas tell me, not like his father.” (A callback to the Boulder’s death.)
    • He moves his halberd up to the barbed-wire tramp stamp the Pebble got “during the Barb Wire movie release,” with “Pamela Anderson.”
    • “Destiny, I loved you, but you didn’t love me back.” He aims straight for the middle.
    • GM: “Once again, steel pierces skin.”
99. 1:49:54 — The Pebble’s last thoughts. “Damn. I love showbiz, but also I better be getting pushed after this because I can’t keep jobbing out like this.”
    • “When am I going to be the one to get a championship opportunity?… under the bright shining lights with my fist raised high with the jabroni by my feet?”
    • “I know that individual right there, he’s going some places. And though he may not get a sponsorship from Bungie, he will get a sponsorship from the people.”
100. 1:50:57 — Thea saves him. As his heart slows and his eyes close, Thea tugs his body off to the locker room, and “a small potion hits your lips. It’ll one day be your time.” She sneaks him away.
101. 1:51:20 — Victory. The Grandmaster opens her wings: “I’ve seen enough. We have found our champion who has proven through blood and violence…” - The Acolytes stand, cheering and pouring out their blue slushies: “This is for your victory. This is for your legacy.” - She flies down to meet him eye to eye: “How does it feel to be the winner of tonight’s D20 Deathmatch?”
102. 1:52:26 Iowa-Ska: “If everyone could use code Ayahuasca the next time they log into MailChimp… I dropped the clutch on my Vespa. You too could be a hero!” - He kicks off a round of donuts; smoke, bursts of flame and pyros ignite. - “Welcome and good night to D20 Deathmatch.”

Full Dried Blood notes (click to expand)

In character (canon, Dried Blood)

• 2:06:56 Iowa-Ska: “Well, I may have killed Destiny tonight. According to a few tweets, it might not be dead after all.”
• 2:07:10 The Pebble: “Listen here, though the Pebble may have come a little bit short in this match, that doesn’t change a goddamn thing. Because if you, yes you, want to go one on one with the great one, then the Pebble is only a call away. So just bring it, Jabroni.”

Out of character (creator notes)

• Returning creators. Robear hasn’t been on since Season 1 (“Season one, dude!”). Sensei Suplex is also back after a long time.
  • Robear: “I am now undefeated as both a catfish and a dragonborn.” Mudcat: “How’s it feel to be back and not a dragon?” Caustic Phoenix: “Less dragon, more dicks.”
• The no-condom line is an inside joke from Robear’s group: during COVID they gave an absent friend’s dragonborn character children everywhere, up to 17, “rumors of a loxodon.” The name was heard as “Hister Faust.”
• The Pebble’s concept. Sensei Suplex’s WWE character, inspired by The Rock (Attitude Era, Ruthless Aggression), because Mudcat describes the show as “D&D, but it’s like a WWE twist.”
  • He always brings characters from the Aurora-verse into Deathmatch to merge communities.
• Imbe. Chat (Discord and Twitch) pushed for Imbe, a character played by a community member (“Kuman”) from the Aurora community.
  • Mudcat: “The best part about our format here is we can just break the rules and none of this is fair… you want to bring your tag team in? We don’t have any rules against that.”
• Iowa-Ska’s riffs come from Robear’s Instagram being flooded with ads (“It’s not dandruff that’s ruining your scalp”). “You gotta be middle-aged to get the MailChimp.”
• Character design. Built in the show’s character builder with its pixel art, which wasn’t available when Robear first played. He loved the catfish art (Locathah, heard “Loctaw”) back then.
  • He saw the Aztec-style headdress and had to use it.
  • He plays a polearm fighter he can “set and forget” so he can perform. “God, they made this thing way too strong.”
• The blue slushy system (adrenaline vs fatigue) was built for this season to keep battles swinging back and forth. Mudcat felt chat drove it hard this episode. Caustic Phoenix compares it to being in the stands at a soccer game or WWE match.
• Cloacas have come up in Deathmatch “maybe like the 15th time.” Robear: Great to be Gator “has a cloaca. That’s facts.”
• Communities gifting subs to each other in chat.
• Plugs:
  • The TTRPG Twitch guild (Robear was one of its original leaders) and Robear’s channel/community (“we’re 24/7… use the live command”).
  • Project Aurora: a giant MMO run in 5e, with raid bosses of 40 players and 12 DMs and events spanning eight years of real history. People have met partners there.
• 2:03:03 Mudcat to Robear: “You’re live right now on Twitch. Wait, how are you at two places at once?” Robear: “Ad rev doesn’t stop!”