First appearance: S5E3, Eldritch Fangs - Ruby Rust v Robbie Clark and the Hunger · watch it on YouTube
The Shield of the Golden King is one of the most reliable gifts from the Box of Chaos. It is reliable in two ways: it keeps turning up, and it keeps breaking. Bright, shiny and never once carried into a real battle before it reached the arena, it has passed through the hands of six different champions. The last time it turned up, the Arbiter blowtorched it down into dice.
Description
The shield is shining gold and heavily ornamented, and it is plainly not built for war. As one description of it put it, it had never seen battle: “It looks like someone was just carrying this thing for show, because they were.” Its arm strap is not always cooperative either. Its first bearer had to have it tied on with twine.
For all that, the shield does real work. “Behind its golden gleam,” whoever holds it grows a little hardier and harder to put down. In some appearances it also granted a touch of extra vitality. The catch is that it is fragile at the worst possible moment. If the bearer makes a truly disastrous attempt to defend themselves, the shield is destroyed on the spot.
History
The shield first appeared in S5E3, Eldritch Fangs - Ruby Rust v Robbie Clark and the Hunger, during the Season of Fate. It was given to Ruby Rust and promptly landed face down in the dirt, its arm strap useless. Ruby mused that he “could have maybe held it with my tail.” The creature in the Box stepped in: “Hey, hold on… Don’t worry, I got you.” He went back into the Box for a bale of twine, tied the shield haphazardly onto Ruby and assured him, “It looks good on you.” The shield was lost during the Macarena.
In S5E7 — Ducks of Death — Robbie Clark & the Hunger v Bob the Barbarian, the shield went to Robbie Clark, fighting alongside The Hunger against Bob the Barbarian. Robbie took it graciously: “Thanks for getting me this awesome present, The Hunger.”
It came back again in S5E13, Bone Rust, when Ruby Rust faced Bone Daddy. By then the figure in the Box was complaining that “supplies run out. I just don’t have as much shit as I used to.” Bone Daddy objected that he had handed over “ten of these hammer shorts,” and the figure relented and dug out the shield for him. It did not last. Ruby, announcing “You will never teach the master new tricks,” puffed himself up to Bone Daddy’s size and stretched thin like Play-Doh or Blu-Tack to wrap him in his signature “big squeeze.” Bone Daddy’s defense collapsed completely, and the shield was destroyed.
In S5E15 — Cosmic Collision — Teddy Oso v Ragu, the shield went to Ragu, whom the Lord of Fate called “Ragdewy.” Its end was swift and undignified. Teddy Oso charged in with his axe spinning like a drummer’s stick and aimed a “nipple slicer” at Ragu’s other nipple. Ragu fumbled his defense entirely, and the shield shattered “into a tiny million pieces,” leaving Thea to clean them up.
“I don’t even have to roll good.” (Teddy Oso, after the shield shattered)
The shield returned in Season 6, during the Ether Drifts in S6 Ep3 — Ether Drifts Part 2 — Team A deathmatch (Atlas v Robbie Clark and the Hunger v Copycat). Copycat knocked on the Box, and to the question “Who is it?” came the answer “It’s me. Or you.” She traded Doug’s collar for the shield (“It wasn’t even a dog collar. That was from a cat.”), while the Arbiter covered Doug’s ears. The shield soon paid for itself. The Acolytes pelted the arena with projectiles that screeched “like a bat swallowed a whistle”: magnets, empty nacho plates, cola, an Ethernet-cable lasso, car keys and whole anvils with crickets. Atlas and Robbie were hit, but Copycat stayed safe behind her golden shield.
Its last known appearance was in S6E5, Tip to Tip - Part 2 (Richard Knottley v Richard S. Skelman, the leadership Deathmatch). Richard S. Skelman offered the Box a vacuum cleaner with Richard Knottley trapped inside. Aware of “dice that are being rolled cosmically in the sky, and mine have been bad,” he asked for a new set of cosmic dice. A magic blue pill appeared for a second and was snatched back (“That’s mine. Sorry.”), and the Box gave him the Shield of the Golden King instead. The Arbiter then took the shield back, pulled on a face mask and blowtorched it down into a set of golden dice with the same protective power, shattering included. Skelman approved: “That is some good stuff there.”
Appearances
- S5E3, Eldritch Fangs - Ruby Rust v Robbie Clark and the Hunger
- S5E7 — Ducks of Death — Robbie Clark & the Hunger v Bob the Barbarian
- S5E15 — Cosmic Collision — Teddy Oso v Ragu
- S6 Ep3 — Ether Drifts Part 2 — Team A deathmatch (Atlas v Robbie Clark and the Hunger v Copycat)
- S6E5, Tip to Tip - Part 2 (Richard Knottley v Richard S. Skelman, the leadership Deathmatch)