First appearance: S6 Ep6 — The Hunt for #2 - Part 1 — Team C (Frigidum, Bob the Barbarian, the Duke) v Billy · watch it on YouTube
Billy is an “old bloke” with a shiny bald head, questionable facial hair and a habit of showing up at Emmery’s tavern every two weeks, always in the back party room. When Team C (Bob the Barbarian, The Duke and the walking refrigerator Frigidoom) came looking for number two ale, Billy stood in the way. He turned out to be a werewolf, and he gave the team a messy, poop-soaked brawl before Bob put him down.
Story
Team C first heard about Billy from the tavern regulars, who could not stop repeating that he came in “every two weeks.” The regulars explained the schedule: he visited with the full moon, “Well, one of them, you know, there’s two, so that way we get it like every two weeks.” Tabitha added that tonight broke the pattern, though. “He’s kind of out of character, but he’s in the party room.” Billy, it turned out, was “literally in the other room” and had been there the whole time. Nobody on the team was sure whether they were supposed to kill him, so they phoned Thea. She told them to deal with him however they liked, as long as they got her the ale, or “you’re gonna find poop in your shoes.” Once Frigidoom had stuck a gold star on her forehead, she settled the question by screaming “Killing Billy!”
In the back room, a tiny voice announced “Yeah, I’m Billy!” Frigidoom demanded he confess to his crimes, and Billy insisted they had no proof, protesting that “these are fake animal furs!” Bob had the Duke dig evidence out of Bob’s pocket: first a lottery ticket, then the hair. Then the windows flew open as if blown by a magical gust. The full moon still hung outside as the second moon began to pass, and Billy transformed. His snout stretched, his teeth sharpened into fangs, coarse black-and-gray hair sprouted from his bald scalp, and his long nails clacked along the back wall. “You found me!” Frigidoom asked him to change back because “the talk was going better,” but Billy liked his new look. When the Duke suggested that “with a little bit of goop” he could use some work, the fight was on.
Billy held his own for a long time. Bob’s first crystal-fisted punch landed (“My spleen!”), but his follow-up punch to the testicles missed. Bob then stretched his jorts over his whole body and spun into him like a top. Billy caught the barbarian in his giant clawed hands, turned him around, spanked him, and then hurled him head-first into the wall like a jort missile. Next he bit the cowering Duke, declaring “you and your little rat entourage are mine!” Frigidoom answered by slapping Tabasco into Billy’s face, blinding him, and ramming toxic bile down his throat. When a flock of flying wombats burst through the permeable roof and hailed frozen cubed poop on everyone, Billy alone dodged it perfectly, to the team’s protests. The Duke’s card trick, shotgun and random katana all fizzled (“Better take that back to the katana store, because it sucked”), though his pocket sand found Billy’s face. Bob threw a small poisonous caiman square into Billy’s eye, but his gator Denise then rose to her full twenty feet and missed. Blinded in both eyes and poisoned, Billy still raked his claws across Bob’s bare chest (“Enjoy my tickle fingers!”) and dodged Frigidoom’s chicken-wing morning star, his gatling blast of crushed ice and a borrowed shotgun fired with no fingers. “I have tummy aches that hurt me more than you all.” He even dodged the Duke’s anime-powered shit bomb and an RPG fired with advantage from Thea’s lucky gold star, crowing “I’m a golden god!”
The team huddled. They considered asking Thea to destroy the moon until Bob objected about the tides in Florida, and The Arbiter pointed out that this wasn’t Earth. Then The Acolytes shouted down a reminder: Billy had hidden from the light at the start. Bob gently took hold of Frigidoom’s handle and opened him with a cry of “Behold, the light!” A blinding fridge light, turbocharged with radioactive power, burst over Billy. While he reeled, Bob wrapped himself in denim, seized two gators by the tail and spun into him “like a spinning Beyblade.” “Behold the fury of Denim Gator!” Billy went down. Thea could tell he was dead “because he pooped his pants,” and Emmery confirmed from the next room that “the walls are very thin. I heard him die.”
Personality and Abilities
In human form Billy is bald with a real shine to his head and wears something that isn’t quite a goatee, “one of those Jack Sparrow things.” He grows his fingernails out long like a guitarist, “but he can’t play the guitar.” He wears what he swears are fake animal furs, keeps to the back party room, and hides from bright light. He insists on some unusual anatomy: his spleen is in his head, which he calls “the biology… when you’re a werewolf,” and his heart has apparently moved.
Under the full moon of one of The Void’s two moons he becomes a long-snouted, fanged werewolf with coarse black-and-gray hair and huge clawed hands. In that form his attacks hit twice as hard, and he used them to throw, bite, claw and spank. He was vain about his looks to the end, calling his eyes “the most beautiful part of me,” and he had a petty, taunting streak. He threw a fox’s grape eye at Frigidoom as a “new eyeball,” and he mocked the team’s misses. Bright light was his undoing.
Relationships
- Bob the Barbarian: The barbarian Billy spanked and threw into a wall, and who killed him with the Ultimate Denim Gator.
- The Duke: Billy bit him and mocked his failed weapons, and in turn took the Duke’s pocket sand to the face.
- Emmery: Billy was a regular at Emmery’s tavern, and Emmery heard him die through the thin walls.
- Thea: She ordered the team to deal with him and confirmed the kill.
- Tabitha: She knew his every-two-weeks schedule and noticed he’d broken it.
Memorable Quotes
- “These are fake animal furs!” (The Hunt for #2 - Part 1)
- “I like how I look. Do I not look good like this?” (The Hunt for #2 - Part 1)
- “My precious eyeballs! They’re my favorite eyes!” (The Hunt for #2 - Part 1)
- “Eat shit.” / “I already did. I drank the ale here.” (Bob the Barbarian and Billy, The Hunt for #2 - Part 1)
- “I have tummy aches that hurt me more than you all.” (The Hunt for #2 - Part 1)
- “I’m a golden god!” (The Hunt for #2 - Part 1)