First appearance: S1E5, The 2v2 - Chuck Solid Gold Dragon Biff & Richardo v Steely Dan & Thass’Lok · watch it on YouTube
Chuck Solid Gold Dragon Biff is a dragonborn barbarian and wrestler, known as “Solid Gold” on what he calls “the circuit of ass whooping.” Pulled into the Void for the first-ever two-on-two Deathmatch, he spent the fight throwing Macho Man-style wrestling moves at a warforged who mostly ignored them. He then won the whole thing by picking up that warforged’s dead body and beating the last enemy to death with it. Along the way he became the Grandmaster’s favorite underdog, called his teammate by the wrong name for the entire match, and kept a surprising amount of equipment in his trunks.
Story
Chuck was one of four champions the Arbiter produced by ripping space open with his hands and walking them into The Dread Fortress. The occasion was a secret charity show for the Dreaded GM’s channel. When asked to introduce himself, Chuck said, “You can call me Chuck,” and blew his fire breath straight into the air as a show of force. The Grandmaster was only mildly impressed (“I’ve seen bigger… he’s bringing a little bit of heat”) and asked the Arbiter to add s’mores to the list. The Arbiter obligingly tore open time and space and pulled out a bag of marshmallows. When Chuck explained where the “Solid Gold” name came from, she promised to make sure the goblins knew the ass-whooping circuit was a channel her TV had to have.
The champions were paired by fortune. Chuck’s high roll put him alongside the lizardfolk archer Richardo, against Steely Dan, a warforged who spoke only through cassette tapes, and the brooding lizardfolk Thass’Lok. The arena was The Clock of the Lost, a towering column of spinning gears, and Chuck landed face to face with Steely Dan. He opened with a clanging kick to the head and a judo chop to the neck, then wrestled Dan into a grapple, holding him by the back of the neck. Dan answered with a tape playing “Like a virgin, touched for the 35th time,” and Chuck replied: “I’m going to need you to stop that. You’re making it weird.” Dan’s revenge was brutal. A flurry of glaive slashes and holy strikes carved up Chuck’s face, and he hung on one-handed, spitting blood down his chin. He pulled a pair of sunglasses out of his trunks, whipped them on and flew into a rage. He also called out to “Richard” for a hand.
The gears nearly finished Chuck before Dan could. As he slipped toward the grinding teeth, the Grandmaster swooped in, lifted him clear with a burst of her wings and gave him her blessing. “I’m cheering for you, you little underdog,” she told him. “If you want to be the true gold winner, make sure you earn it.” Chuck was undaunted: “Don’t you worry, Grandmaster. The cream is gonna rise to the top.” He tore off his glasses to deliver a magnificent threat to fold Dan up “like an old wallet,” which Dan shrugged off completely. Then Richardo declared that no good show is complete without a little betrayal and sent a wall of wind across Steely Dan and Thass’Lok, and a haunted doll joined the match as Dan’s new best friend. Through all this, Chuck stayed loyal to his partner. When Richardo conjured a healing spirit at his side, Chuck gave him “that 80s end-of-the-movie nod” and charged back in. That charge went badly: he tried to wrench Dan’s glaive away and grabbed it by the sharp end. He made up for it by seizing a retreating Thass’Lok by the belt and bellowing, “Get back here! I’m not done with you!” When the Grandmaster complained that nobody but Dan and the doll understood teamwork, Chuck protested that he had “nothing but respect for Richard,” and she rewarded him for it.
Once the Arbiter jammed a giant wrench into the gears and brought the clock crashing to a halt, Chuck finally got to fight his way. He pulled a great club out of the back of his trunks, where it had been hiding all along, and announced he was going to “get 18th century on your behinds.” He battered Dan, then Thass’Lok, then Dan again until the warforged went down, and the crowd roared “Give it up for Solid Gold Dragon Biff!” Chuck also pointed out a madman in the crowd giving out gifts, which kicked off a chaos event that turned every weapon into a pillow. Richardo’s spectral bull, Bull One, finished Dan off with a pillowy body slam. In the final round, Chuck’s club had become an anime pillow with a girl on it, so he tossed it aside, hoisted Steely Dan’s corpse over his shoulder and ran into Thass’Lok’s fog cloud swinging. “There’s nothing I can do,” Thass’Lok admitted. “I’m going to be clobbered by Steely Dan.” He was: his body crumpled and his blood spewed onto the gears. During the victory ceremony, Chuck learned his partner’s name was Richardo and apologized for calling him Richard the whole time. The Grandmaster raised both their hands and flew them into the air as champions.
Personality and Abilities
Chuck is a showman who carries himself like a pro wrestler. At the table, he was singled out for his Macho Man Randy Savage delivery. He trash-talks without letup (“You are a poor excuse for a little tin man”), plays to the crowd and the Grandmaster, and dresses up every swing as a spectacle. Under the bluster he is a decent sort. He stuck by his partner when the other three champions were busy betraying each other, and he took pride in remembering Richard’s name, even though it wasn’t Richard.
He fights with his body first: kicks, judo chops, grapples and pins, backed by a barbarian’s rage and a habit of swinging with reckless abandon. He has a once-a-day fire breath and keeps a pair of sunglasses in his trunks, which go on when he rages and come off for dramatic speeches. A great club is stashed in the back of the same trunks. He is happy to use whatever is lying around as a weapon, dead teammates of the opposition included. His player said afterward that he had built Chuck around unarmed wrestling and improvised weapons, hoping to grab chairs, and the gears looked like they had ruled that out. Clubbing someone with Steely Dan turned out to be the payoff.
Relationships
- Richardo: His randomly assigned partner, whom he called “Richard” all match. Chuck stayed loyal to him, they won together, and Chuck thanked him “for not turning his back on me.”
- Steely Dan: His first opponent, a cassette-voiced warforged who nearly cut him to pieces. Chuck put him down with a club and later used his body as one.
- Thass’Lok: The last enemy standing, clubbed to death with Steely Dan’s corpse.
- The Grandmaster: She saved him from the gears and blessed him, calling him “golden boy” and “you little underdog.” She later admitted he could lose his place as favorite to Bull One.
- The Arbiter: Summoned him into the Fortress and fetched marshmallows to go with his fire breath.
Memorable Quotes
“I’m going to need you to stop that. You’re making it weird.” (S1E5)
“Seeing as the two of you have been non-compliant with my phony wrestling moves, I’m going to have to get 18th century on your behinds.” (S1E5)
- “Why do you always choose the underdog? Don’t you worry, Grandmaster. The cream is gonna rise to the top.” (S1E5)
- “You are a poor excuse for a little tin man. I’m going to fold you up like an old wallet.” (S1E5)
- “Oh, I’m terribly sorry. I’ve been calling you Richard this entire time.” (S1E5)
- “Damage resistance is invaluable.” (S1E5, Dried Blood)