First appearance: S6E1 — Murder at the Dread Fortress (TTRPG Murder Mystery) · watch it on YouTube
Cornelius Antonio Bunga, “C.A. Bunga, Cowabunga for short,” is a slice of buttered sourdough toast with a syrup mustache, a leaf top hat and impeccable manners. He was one of the three champions at the great feast in The Dread Fortress that opened the Season of the Trials, and it turned into a murder mystery when Thea was found dead in the gravy. A married gentleman, a dairy businessman and a devoted keeper of his own butter, Bunga spent the evening fending off people who wanted to eat him. Along the way he turned up a key clue that pointed to the real killer.
Story
Bunga waddled up the bloody carpet worrying about the heat (“Well, good heavens, that’s gonna be hell on my butter”), steadying himself on a breadstick cane. The Arbiter declared him “a fancy gentleman.” The Grandmaster took one look and asked for a bite. He declined firmly (“I think not, madam”) and told her he was married. That set the pattern for the night. The newly created Thea dipped a finger in his syrup and spun off on a sugar rush. Lady Elizabeth Barry Ann Poopshoe, a Loxodon aristocrat, batted her eyelashes at him and called him “delicious.” Bunga said he was quite married to another lady, Lady Tortiliana, and Lady Elizabeth sneered that this was her rival. He pretended to bow, squeezed his butt cheeks and dropped a pool of butter oil in front of her elephant pads (“There’s butt in butter”). She stepped neatly over it and swept off, declaring she didn’t need to be around “this trash.” When Jercasso, a hungry little trench coat, leaned in for “just a little piece to take home,” Bunga swatted them with his cane, rolled between their legs, popped up and kicked them in the tushy.
At cocktail hour he ordered a goblet of melted butter, unsalted, because he was on a diet. He also talked shop with Skelman, a skeleton dungeon designer who wanted to hire him. Bunga mentioned that he ran a dairy back home and wondered whether Tim the gelatinous cube’s acidic goo could work with milk (Skelman had seen Tim eat cows whole, and “the milk did not remain”). Skelman pitched a butter trap to replace a dungeon’s oil trap, since adventurers couldn’t just set it alight: the butter would only “brown nicely.” When someone hoped Bunga’s notebook was a Pop-Tart, he shut it down at once: Pop-Tart was an ex, “and that jelly was toxic.”
Once the candles went out and Thea turned up dead, suspicion fell on Bunga. His dinner knife sat slightly askew, and the Arbiter found a napkin by his place with green blood on it. Lady Elizabeth called the knife suspicious, and when Bunga shot back that it was “almost as misplaced as your elephant foot in your mouth,” she tried to throw her plate at him, so a goblin caught her hand and led her away. Bunga answered that the syrup limbs that made up his arms and feet left a sticky residue on everything they touched, so a napkin he had handled would be sticky. To make the point he finger-gunned a shot of syrup at Stuart, who blocked it with his dinner plate and then shoved his face into his food. The whole hall then reached over to feel how sticky Bunga was. Later he caught Jercasso, who was inchworming across the table toward Thea’s body, with one sticky arm laid across the table. Their coat burst open to reveal three striking Chinchillas who had been stealing food. The Arbiter’s own accusation was short: Bunga was “full of gluten. That’s it, that’s the entire accusation.” Bunga said he did not want to babysit “that child.”
His best moment came when he studied Iris’s stitched-up arm through a pair of handheld spectacles. He found that the black thread the “doctor” had pulled from the murder scene matched the hodgepodge in her stitches. Soon after, the Arbiter used his “time eyes” to run the night backwards, and everyone saw that Iris’s was the murdering hand. Bunga sympathised with her vengeance (“As a married host, I kind of understand her sentiment”). He also suggested the Arbiter bring back her murdered husband so she could get closure. The Arbiter told him “You’re the kind of mind that we could really use around this place.” Bunga said he was very interested but would need to talk to the mistress first. After Iris blew Tony apart with a rocket launcher, Bunga held up Skelman’s skull so it could see the Grandmaster bless her, and he ended the night holding Skelman’s big toe, which the doctor had licked and stuck onto a femur. The Grandmaster toasted him by name as the banquet’s graduates were sent off.
Personality and Abilities
Bunga is a hip-high slice of sourdough, toasted and buttered golden on both sides. He wears a leaf cut into a little top hat and glued to his crust with syrup. His syrup eyes blink, he has a glorious syrup mustache, and he walks with an appetizer breadstick for a cane. He smooths the butter down his front like a tie and squishes “like a nice little roll” when poked. He speaks with genteel formality, which makes it funnier when he snaps, “I’m a piece of fucking toast. I don’t know anything about eating.”
He is loyal to his wife, Lady Tortiliana. The couple can’t have children, and he dislikes hearing his ex brought up. For a gentleman he fights dirty, with tricks his body can supply. He can squeeze pools of butter out of his butt cheeks, shoot syrup from his fingers, roll up and unroll to slip past enemies, and catch people with his sticky arms. He is also sharp-eyed and cool under accusation, and he came out of the evening as one of its better detectives.
Relationships
- Iris: fellow guest whose stitching he matched to the thread found at the murder scene; he sympathised with her revenge and argued for her closure.
- Thea: dipped a finger in his syrup at their first meeting; he was briefly suspected of her murder.
- The Arbiter: accused him of being “full of gluten,” then praised his mind and seemed to offer him work.
- The Grandmaster: wanted a bite of him; he refused, and she later toasted him by name.
- Stuart: blocked Bunga’s syrup shot with his dinner plate when Bunga demonstrated how sticky he was.
- Tim: Bunga wondered whether Tim’s goo might work in his dairy business.
- Lady Tortiliana: his wife, and Lady Elizabeth’s rival.
Memorable Quotes
“I’m a piece of fucking toast. I don’t know anything about eating.” (S6E1 — Murder at the Dread Fortress)
“You have a green goo guy, and I am your white goo guy.” (S6E1 — Murder at the Dread Fortress)
- “I think not, madam.” (S6E1 — Murder at the Dread Fortress)
- “I’m on a diet, so let’s say unsalted.” (S6E1 — Murder at the Dread Fortress)
- “Pop-Tart was his ex. We don’t bring her up… that jelly was toxic.” (S6E1 — Murder at the Dread Fortress)
- “Almost as misplaced as your elephant foot in your mouth.” (S6E1 — Murder at the Dread Fortress)