First appearance: S1E10 — The Bear — Diamond Joe v Milliac · watch it on YouTube
Diamond Joe is an elderly dragonborn artificer who builds his own armor and pops his own pills. He is also the proud creator of Steely Dan, whom he calls “my boy.” He came to the Void on a promise from the Arbiter that he would be reunited with his estranged creation. He then spent an evening punching himself in the face, gifting pie to his enemy, farting thunder and flirting with the Grandmaster, and he walked away the winner.
Story
S1E10 — The Bear — Diamond Joe v Milliac
Diamond Joe stepped through the Arbiter’s portal, deep in the catacombs of the Dread Fortress, and wasn’t sure he was in the right place. The Arbiter reminded him of their deal: fight here, and afterward he would be reconnected with Steely Dan. Joe introduced himself to the Grandmaster as the man who had built “Steely Dan the Sir.” She was delighted to meet the creator of a champion the Arbiter remembered as “quite the instrument of destruction.” His opponent was Milliac, a big-bellied woodsman who had come for the pie and punch promised on a flyer. The two were sent to an abandoned black-powder camp once dug by a man named Farcheck, whom Joe misheard as “Fartchap.” Before the fight began, a strange shimmer coated both champions’ skin.
Joe opened by letting his armor unfold over him in fused metal plates and asking Milliac about his favorite pie. Then he crunched a little blue pill to speed himself up, “so it’s not just over in six seconds.” He bumbled and swerved toward Milliac like Mr. Magoo and described Steely Dan as an eight- or nine-foot steam-powered vibrator covered in cassette tapes and minidiscs. When he finally swung his thunder gauntlet, the shimmer revealed itself: every blow aimed at an opponent turned back on the attacker. He smacked himself in the face and called it “a bit of a refresher.” So he gave Milliac a cream pie with a crispy lemon-colored topping instead, and Milliac declared, “I’ve never been cream-pied so early in the night.” The Grandmaster called it “true beauty,” and Joe sang “Tale as old as time.” The pie excited Milliac so much that he turned into a polar bear. Joe insisted he “didn’t spike the pie in the slightest” and booped the bear on the snoot.
The fight turned explosive. Joe breathed lightning and let loose a thunderous blast through his suit that he passed off as a fart: “Pardon me, that pie does not agree with me sometimes.” While Joe was lost in a “senior moment,” the bear sneaked over silently, spun a barrel of black powder on its feet like a circus bear and hurled it. Joe absorbed much of the blast. He won the crowd over by declaring “You want to have a polarizing opinion of me,” and they rewarded him with a little extra luck. His bad breath shoved the bear into a second barrel. A flickering shoulder laser, revived by rubbing its batteries between his palms, singed its fur further. When the bear leapt to tackle him off a ledge, Joe sidestepped and it sailed past. He then offered it a hand up with his gauntlet still switched on, and the jolt knocked Milliac back into his normal shape. Milliac retaliated by heating Joe’s armor with a pinch of black powder, like Salt Bae. Joe could not take the armor off, because he was inside it.
Joe greased the ground under Milliac (“sometimes the best of relationships… just need a little bit of lubrication”) and set the whole patch ablaze with lightning. Milliac answered with a summoned polar bear named Honey Boo Boo. Joe teleported behind the bear and fired a lightning bolt through bear and druid alike, like the pool shark he claimed he once was; the Grandmaster pointed out he was lightning bolting the polar bear’s butthole, “like a taser straight to the butthole.” The Arbiter then split Honey Boo Boo into two bears. A parade of bears swept everyone off the high ground, and Joe joined the conga line on purpose. He took a brutal double attack from Milliac’s bear claw and bite, and then all damage was doubled. Joe answered with one last giant fart that launched both polar bears into the air and destroyed the remaining Honey Boo Boo. In a final act of defiance, Milliac gathered every grain of black powder into a giant flaming bear and dropped it on the whole arena, himself included. Joe shielded himself and survived. Milliac was left dying. Joe looked down at his fallen opponent and warned about bringing the bear back; Milliac groaned, “Oh, never go full bareback,” and Joe delivered the moral: “Always, always use protection.” The Arbiter flew the burnt druid away. The Grandmaster took Joe by the hand and lifted him toward the chanting Acolytes, promising him ice cream and a reunion with his son. Asked for his final words, Joe requested a handjob, and the Grandmaster dropped him. “Sometimes you ask for too much.”
After the match, the Arbiter brought Joe to a large room full of scrap metal and junk. Steely Dan was somewhere in that pile. “He’s in here somewhere,” the Arbiter said, and the Grandmaster noted that Joe had built him once, so he might as well do it again. Joe’s player predicted that Joe would forget his win about thirty seconds later and wander around wondering why he was there.
Personality and Abilities
Diamond Joe is an old dragonborn with an old British accent, a lecherous streak and a grandfatherly politeness that never quite covers it. He calls everyone “darling” or “dear boy” and asks people their pronouns. Much of his fighting comes as apologies, and much of his conversation comes as innuendo. He believes in “better living through alchemy” and insists his self-built armor is all that keeps him in one piece. Without it, he says, he could hardly get up off the floor. His sayings include “libation and lubrication” and “the older the leather, the better the weather.” He claims to come from “the big city” and to have been a pool shark in his youth, when he had someone drop 9-volt batteries across dragon scales for “a little tingle in the right place.” He also says his mother was “a worldly woman” whom nobody may insult except him, and that “she shared it around a lot.” He wanted an invitation to a dragon battle royale and felt snubbed when he didn’t get one.
His arsenal is as eccentric as he is. He wears thunder gauntlets he forgets to switch off and a shimmering defensive field of radiant energy. He breathes lightning and also has a “repulsion breath,” whose bad smell he blames on being a dragonborn rather than on his age. His thunderous blasts come out of his suit as magnified farts. A battery-powered firebolt emitter is mounted on his shoulder, and boots let him teleport short distances. He can also cast grease, lightning bolts and a protective ward against the elements. Finally, he carries a bag of pills: the blue one that speeds him up, plus “whoopsie whoopsie” and “time out and space out” varieties. The pills give him senior moments.
Relationships
- Steely Dan: His creation and “my boy,” whom he came to the Void to find and was given the chance to rebuild.
- The Arbiter: Lured Joe to the Deathmatch with the promise of reuniting him with Steely Dan, and kept that promise.
- Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer: Charmed by him enough to fly him toward the sky hand in hand, then dropped him when he asked for too much.
- Milliac: His opponent, whom he fed pie, booped, set on fire and ultimately outlasted.
- Doug the Pug: Joe offered to help the “boneless” pug with something from his pill bag. The Grandmaster said they’d need to consult the vet.
Memorable Quotes
“At my age, dear boy, it’s pretty much all that’s keeping me in one piece.” (S1E10)
- “No one spends an evening with Diamond Joe, darling, and… remain standing at the end.” (S1E10)
- “I’ve tossed a few salads in my life, but I’ve never tossed a barrel of black powder.” (S1E10)
- “Sometimes you have to hand things over to the youth of the day. Just, I didn’t expect it to be my hand.” (S1E10)
- “Always, always use protection. That’s why I always carry Absorb Elements.” (S1E10)
- “All right, but can I get a bit of a handjob while I’m at it, huh?” (S1E10)