First appearance: S1E10 — The Bear — Diamond Joe v Milliac · watch it on YouTube
Milliac is a big-bellied bear of a man from “the woods, down the block” who came to the Void because a flyer promised pie and punch. In S1E10 — The Bear — Diamond Joe v Milliac he fought the elderly inventor Diamond Joe in an abandoned black-powder camp. He spent the fight turning into polar bears, summoning more polar bears, and finally building a bear out of explosives. He lost to his own bomb, but The Arbiter quietly scooped up what was left of him and flew off.
Story
Milliac arrived through a portal the Arbiter opened in his cluttered lab in the depths of The Dread Fortress. He announced that he didn’t know who this “Steely Joe” was and had only come because “I was told there’d be pie and punch. I come bringing the punch.” When the Grandmaster hoped that meant both a drink and a fist, he added, “I never go fisting without a drink…” The Grandmaster took his arrival as proof that her flyers worked. The arena was Farcheck’s old black-powder camp, littered with barrels and pots of explosive powder. Before the first blow, a shimmer of chaos coated both champions’ skin. When it took hold, it made every blow thrown at an opponent swing back into the attacker’s own face for two rounds.
The fight opened more like a first date. Diamond Joe strolled over to ask Milliac’s favourite pie (“Cherry Pie,” sung with feeling). After smacking himself in the face, he handed Milliac a cream pie while the chaos sorted itself out. The pie excited Milliac so much that “Milliac can’t control the beast inside,” and he burst into a polar bear. In bear form he sniffed out a hidden powder barrel. Then, drawing on his days in a traveling circus, he balanced a barrel on his feet, spun it, and hurled it at Joe, who had nodded off mid-fight. The blast landed hard. His attempt to heal afterward fixed roughly one paper cut.
Joe struck back with thunderous farts, lightning breath, and a shove that slammed the bear into a second barrel. A flying tackle meant to knock Joe off the ledge sent Milliac sailing off it instead. A kindly “helping hand” from Joe’s still-switched-on thunder gauntlet jolted him back into human form. Milliac answered by rubbing powder between his palms and heating Joe’s armor (“it looks like you’re a little cold, don’t worry, I will heat you up”). Rolling in grease and rage, he summoned a polar bear he named Honey Boo Boo. Joe lined the two of them up and fired a lightning bolt through both, which the Grandmaster described as “like a taser straight to the butthole” of the polar bear. The Arbiter split Honey Boo Boo into two bears, and a parade of dancing bears swept the whole arena off the high ground. After taking bolt after bolt, Milliac shrugged off a lightning strike so completely that the Grandmaster declared him resistant to lightning from then on.
The bears did not last. Honey Boo Boo Prime fell to Joe’s lightning, and a final launching fart flung the surviving copy and Milliac’s last bear form into the air and down again. That left Milliac human and barely alive. Spending the extra push the Acolytes had granted him, he refused to go out quietly. “In honor of Honey Boo Boo,” he drew every grain of black powder in the arena into a gigantic black bear with a fizzing fuse for a tail, and dropped it on everyone, himself included. Joe shielded himself against the blast and survived, and Milliac went down dying. Doug the Pug ran over to lick his singed face. The Arbiter then grabbed him by the foot, since he was “covered in like burnt grease and lube,” muttered that “I guess I might find a use for you somewhere,” secretly healed him just enough to live, and flew him away unseen.
Personality and Abilities
Milliac is cheerful, earnest and a little simple, with a big belly “for a reason” and an encyclopedic love of pie: apple, blueberry, boysenberry, elderberry, and above all cherry. He doesn’t wear much clothing, disapproves of Joe’s pills, and has been practising his growl (“rawr, rawr”). He takes offence when talked down to as a cute little bear, and he gets openly emotional about his summoned companions.
He fights like a woodland ranger with a druid’s heart. He shifts into a polar bear, his “natural shape,” whenever he gets excited. He can whip himself across the arena in a burst of speed that trails dust (the Grandmaster asked if he was Sonic the Hedgehog). He can heat metal armor, heal his own wounds, mark a foe so he can follow them, and shape loose earth with his will. Whenever he summons animals, they are always polar bears: “That’s my power. I just summon bears. It’s quite unbearable.” He also keeps javelins in his backpack, though grease ruined his grip the one time he threw one.
Relationships
- Diamond Joe: His opponent, who fed him pie, called him “Pie Boy” and “Milli Vanilli,” and beat him with farts, lightning and protective magic.
- The Arbiter: Secretly revived Milliac after his death and carried him off, saying he might find a use for him.
- Doug the Pug: Ran to the fallen Milliac and licked his face.
- The Grandmaster: Cheered him on (“Be strong, Milliac. I cheer for you”) and granted him resistance to lightning.
- Honey Boo Boo: His summoned polar bear, later duplicated by the Arbiter, in whose honor he built the black-powder bear.
Memorable Quotes
- “I was told there’d be pie and punch. I come bringing the punch.” (S1E10)
- “I’ve never been cream-pied so early in the night.” (S1E10)
- “No one gets in the hole of Honey Boo Boo. Don’t let them get the honeypot.” (S1E10)
- “Milliac doesn’t go out like this.” (S1E10)
- “Oh, never go full bareback.” (S1E10)
- “Milliac, I had a grand time, and always remember… Use protection when dealing with fire damage.” (S1E10, Dried Blood)