First appearance: S1E12 — Feast — Potato v Dinkledink · watch it on YouTube
Dinkledink, who insists on the full title Dinkledink Rules Ass, is a foul-mouthed, double-toothed rodent champion recruited from a mall Santa line. He fought Potato in the holiday Deathmatch S1E12 — Feast — Potato v Dinkledink. He arrived wanting candy canes. Over the course of a single feast he became his opponent’s adoptive father, fought beside him inside a giant’s mouth, and buried him under a placemat. He won, and the match became one of the strangest and most tender in the arena’s history.
Story
The holidays had come to The Dread Fortress, and The Arbiter had found that week’s champions at the mall, waiting in line to sit on Santa’s lap. He even had a 5×8 photo of the three of them together to prove it. Dinkledink took Santa’s right knee. He showed up demanding his payment: “I was promised candy canes. Where are the candy canes? You Criss Angel lookalike.” When the Grandmaster asked how to address him, he simply grinned: “This is my face.” She thanked the Arbiter for bringing her “these two oddlings.”
The arena was a feast table, and both champions had been shrunk to the size of the food on it. Dinkledink started on the rim of an ice cream cup, twenty feet up. Potato opened by shooting him with a rifle and then dropping a chocolate wafer on his head. Dinkledink smeared ice cream across his face like blood, licked it off with a tongue that “helicopters” like a cow’s, and hopped down. He clawed his way up the cake like a badger and discovered it was strawberry inside, “the most dangerous of flavors,” since he is allergic. He came away only a little itchy, flew into a rage, and hurled a hand axe at the stuck Potato. Then came the taunt that changed everything: when he won, he would find Potato’s mother, take her to a nice fried fish dinner, and never call her again. Potato, who had never known his mother, heard only one thing in it: “I have a family now?”
From then on, Potato kept calling him “Daddy.” When Potato leapt onto his back for protection, Dinkledink flipped him over his shoulder into the fondue. Potato took it as “Is this a hug?… Thank you, daddy,” and Dinkledink, a Creed fan, observed, “You came out with arms wide open.” The greataxe came down anyway. When he tried to shove the boy off the cake with his foot, the foot stuck in the chocolate, and his rage curdled into awkwardness. He kept up the fish-dinner vow, but his attempt to sell the “never call her again” part fell completely flat. Potato crowed, “You will call my mom again, I knew it!” and took fresh hope from it. In the middle of all this, Dinkledink told the Grandmaster that the Arbiter didn’t treat her right. The Grandmaster then ruled that if Dinkledink won, the Arbiter would take him on a date to a fancy fried fish dinner. Potato broke one of Dinkledink’s teeth with a point-blank shot, and Dinkledink answered with a Spartacus kick that sent Potato’s shield skidding to the edge of a chasm, then cut the boy down until he was badly wounded.
Then a giant sat down at the table and shoveled both champions into his mouth along with the cake. On the giant’s tongue, Potato prayed to Tiamat not to die alone. The Grandmaster asked Dinkledink whether he found the boy worthy. “You like fried fish?” Dinkledink asked. Potato said “Anything for you, Dad,” and Dinkledink cradled him like a baby while Potato was reborn as Starfall. Tiamat blessed father and son, charged Dinkledink with raising the boy, and restored them both. Their first family outing was against a cake elemental born from the crumbs, food and saliva in the giant’s mouth. Dinkledink went into a frenzy (“What the fuck did I get myself into?”), vaulted off Starfall’s back onto the monster, and chewed into it. He even begged it to let them go find Starfall’s mother, muttering on the side, “I just want to get away from this kid.”
A crushing slam from the elemental killed Starfall. Dinkledink’s grief became a rage, and he tore the creature apart with his teeth, only then realizing he had been eating once-chewed food. He shook his son’s body (“Wake up. We have fried fish.”), chopped at the giant’s tongue until it spat them out, and found Starfall’s body mangled from the fall, every bone broken. He stuffed cake into Starfall’s mouth, hoping it was magic. With Tiamat’s last gift, he laid his son to rest under a placemat, marked with a star cookie for the name Starfall. In his eulogy he swore to find the boy’s mother, treat her real nice, possibly make more Starfalls (though he wouldn’t force anything on her), and yes, call her again. Maybe he would even bring flowers. The Grandmaster told him he had “reminded us the beauty of the bonds that we hold, no matter where they begin,” cancelled the next Sunday’s Deathmatch so The Acolytes could be grateful for the family, friends and foes that make them who they are, and raised “your mousy rodent ass” into the sky with the promise of a fried fish fry that night.
Personality and Abilities
Dinkledink is a small rodent with a big attitude. His teeth jut out in both an overbite and an underbite (“Both! He has both!”), at least until Potato’s bullet broke one into a sharp stump. His tongue is abnormally long and his claws are short and stubby, and he climbs like a badger. He refers to himself in the third person, swears freely, loves Creed, and dreams of planting succulents in an enemy’s skull. Underneath the bluster he turned out to be a reluctant, grumbling, but real father. He spent the second half of his fight half-creeped-out by his new son (“Yeah, you’re really creeping me out, kid”) and the end of it heartbroken.
In battle he fights with a greataxe and thrown hand axes, and he flies into rages and frenzies. He also brings wrestling moves like a hip toss and a Spartacus kick. When things get desperate, he is not above groveling, cowering and begging. He is mildly allergic to strawberry. His idea of a fancy dinner is fried catfish with ketchup, no tartar sauce.
Relationships
- Potato: His opponent, who became his adopted son Starfall mid-fight. Dinkledink knew him as his son for, in his words, “like, an hour, two,” lost him, and buried him with honors.
- The Arbiter: Recruited him from the mall Santa line with a promise of candy canes. Dinkledink calls him a “Criss Angel lookalike” and blamed him for his son’s death. He is owed a fried fish date with the Arbiter for winning.
- The Grandmaster: Set the terms of his fish-dinner prize, consoled him over his son, and raised him up as the victor.
- Tiamat: Blessed him as Starfall’s father, charged him with raising the boy, and gave him the rite to lay his son to rest.
Memorable Quotes
- “I was promised candy canes. Where are the candy canes? You Criss Angel lookalike.” (Feast)
- “When Dinkledink kills you, he’s gonna find your mother, take her out to a nice fried fish dinner, never call her again.” (Feast)
- “Danny Dinkledink rules ass has to teach baby Dinkledink a lesson.” (Feast)
- “What the fuck did I get myself into?” (Feast)
- “Wake up. We have fried fish.” (Feast)
- “Tiamat, this is Dinkledink rules ass. This is my son, Starfall.” (Feast)