S1E12 — Feast — Potato v Dinkledink

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Shrunk to the size of crumbs and dropped onto a holiday feast table, Potato and Dinkledink came into the arena as strangers. Within an hour they were father and son. What began as a cake fight with a gun turned into a food fight and a trip into a giant’s mouth. It ended as one of the strangest and most tender stories the arena has seen: a rodent who never wanted a kid, burying the one he got under a placemat with a star cookie for a headstone.

The Story

Deck the Dread Fortress

The episode opened on a festive Dread Fortress. Tinsel and blinking lights hung everywhere, with ornaments “from all different regions of all the different realms,” and the whole place smelled of cinnamon. In the throne room, the Grandmaster was directing her goblins, who stacked themselves “goblin on top of goblin on top of goblin” to hoist a giant wreath.

The Arbiter floated the lights into place “Fantasia style” with a spectral hand. He remarked that goblins “have no interior decorating skills,” and the Grandmaster scolded him while covering a goblin’s ears with hands far too small for the job. “They’re trying their hardest, okay?” Moments later a goblin ladder carrying the star toppled, and the entire tree came down with it.

She summoned Richard, a small goblin in a Santa hat, and ordered hot cocoa. The Arbiter weighed schnapps, then Fireball, and settled virtuously on “I’m working… I’m on the job.” The Grandmaster ordered him one with Fireball in it anyway. Only when he mentioned the Deathmatch did she remember it. She snapped, nearly forty goblins assembled, and the hall was finished in minutes.

When he suggested that it was a little early for all this, the Grandmaster set him straight:

Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer: “Elusia Skypiercer will celebrate whatever holiday that she wants.”

That meant Halloween next, then Boxing Day (“I don’t even know what it is”), then Canada’s Thanksgiving. The Arbiter observed that they had always been friendly to the Canadians. The Grandmaster added one exception: “Except for Caroline. Caroline’s a bit of a dick.”

Two Men on Santa’s Lap

The Arbiter explained where he’d found tonight’s champions: at the mall, in line to sit on Santa’s lap. “We just got hitting it off and I said, Hey, would you like to fight to the death? And they said, yes.” He had a 5×8 print of all three of them on Santa’s lap to prove it. Asked what he wanted for Christmas, he answered, “I just really, really want to see someone die today.” The Grandmaster: “We think alike.”

Coming in on Santa’s left knee was Potato, who immediately asked if he could go back to Santa instead. He mumbled that he just did what he was told, didn’t want to die, and would try his best. The Arbiter offered him a present if he won, and Potato admitted he’d never had one before. “It’ll be the only present you’ve ever had,” the Arbiter reasoned, “so it’ll probably be the best.”

On the right knee was Dinkledink, who insisted on his full name, “Dinkledink Rules Ass.” He demanded the candy canes he’d been promised by this “Criss Angel lookalike.” When asked about the name, he simply grinned: “This is my face.” Potato: “I don’t like this.” The Grandmaster was delighted to have “these two oddlings.”

The Feast Table

“Feast your eyes upon this.” Through the Arbiter’s portal came the smell of turkey and gingerbread, and a table the size of a battlefield, with the champions shrunk to fit. “I know mother said never to play with your food,” the Grandmaster said, “but she is not here.” The Acolytes in the stands had brought a potluck of their own: green bean casserole, tamales, eggnog with a brandy kicker, dumplings, “just cheese,” and potato waffles. (“I’m sorry, Potato, that’s not you… Or is it?”) The Grandmaster took her seat beside Doug the Pug.

Dinkledink stood on the rim of an ice cream cup twenty feet up. Potato stood on the first tier of a cake, sinking into the icing. The cake, the Grandmaster revealed, was strawberry, and it was covered in fondue. Richard and the goblin chefs had never heard of a real cheesecake, “so they took a cake and they poured cheese over it.” Then chocolate, then fruit. “They just don’t have Pinterest… We don’t exactly have great internet access down here.”

Potato ducked behind a berry and pulled out a rifle. “I was starting to think that he was going to let us down,” said the Arbiter, “but he brought a gun.” He shot Dinkledink, then shot the chocolate wafer above him, burying the rodent in chocolate and peanuts. He then tried to hide by lying down in the frosting. It behaved like quicksand, melted around him, hardened again, and left him stuck. He licked his hand and declared it “so sweet.”

Dinkledink smeared ice cream across his face like blood, hopped twenty feet down without a scratch, and climbed the cake like a badger. Halfway up he discovered he was allergic to strawberry, “the most dangerous of flavors,” though he only came away a little itchy. He flew into a rage, hurled a hand axe at Potato, and made a vow:

Dinkledink: “When Dinkledink kills you, he’s gonna find your mother, take her out to a nice fried fish dinner, never call her again.”

“I don’t even know my mother,” Potato said. The Grandmaster promised he’d meet his mom and his new stepdad at the same time. Potato lit up: “I have a family now?”

Food Fight

Then the Acolytes threw their potluck. Hot dogs rained from the sky, along with Doritos, pierogies, a boiling waterfall of “stinky cheese hot soup,” and actual potatoes. (“Your very distant potato cousins are raining from the sky.” Potato: “More me?”) Dog treats came down too, which thrilled Doug. Then the Arbiter pulled an entire stuffed turkey out of a small sack and threw it. Its shadow darkened the whole table. Both champions rolled clear, and the half-cooked bird bounced off and cracked the table open, leaving a deep chasm that no one who fell in would climb back out of. “I’m not a turkey monger,” the Arbiter explained.

”Daddy, Please”

Potato pried himself free, ran to “my stepdad,” and leapt onto his back for protection. Dinkledink grabbed his collar and hip-tossed him into the fondue. The Grandmaster described Potato landing with “arms wide open, looking for the embrace and love that you have never had.” Potato: “Is this a hug?… Thank you, daddy.” Dinkledink: “Favorite band is Creed. You came out with arms wide open.” He promised to turn Potato’s skull into a planter for his succulents, then landed a greataxe blow.

When asked how they knew each other, the Arbiter explained, “These were the only two grown men in line to see Santa.” Including himself? “I was there for ironic reasons.” Dinkledink tried to kick Potato off the cake “like in A Christmas Story,” got his foot stuck in chocolate, and reported, “This rage has turned into… Awkwardness.”

The Grandmaster had wanted a giant magnet installed in the arena, and now one rose into view, humming as it charged. Potato, lying on his back, spotted it. Asked whether he knew what a magnet was, he failed so completely that the Arbiter could only narrate: “You look in the sky and you go, oh, shiny.”

Mothers, Fish and a Date

“I’m sorry, but they said they’ll give me something,” Potato whimpered, stabbing upward with his longsword. “I’m sorry, Dad.” He rolled off the cake ledge, and Dinkledink cut at him as he went: “I gave you a family!” Then Dinkledink leapt down onto him axe-first. Bloodied, Potato asked at least for his mother’s number. “No, you’ll be dead. No wonder your mother left you.” But Dinkledink’s lie came out so badly that Potato saw through it: “You will call my mom again, I knew it!” Knowing for the first time that he had a mother, he was filled with hope and the urge to protect her from this fish fry.

Dinkledink turned on the Arbiter: “Arbiter doesn’t treat you right.” The Arbiter protested that the Grandmaster was “my boss. Please don’t insult me in such a way.” Her verdict: if Dinkledink won, the Arbiter would take him out on a fancy fried fish date. The Arbiter didn’t see why not. “So far, you’ve been delightful.”

Potato shot Dinkledink point blank in the face and snapped off one of his teeth, leaving it jagged. Then he raised his shield and prayed: “Empower me. I want to see my mother.” The Grandmaster heard great growth in him, but he had further to go. Dinkledink answered, “Your god is Dinkledink rules ass,” Spartacus-kicked the shield to the edge of the chasm, and announced the menu: “Catfish. And ketchup. No tartar sauce.” A perfect, brutal axe blow left Potato crippled and near death.

Down the Hatch

“This table does not come without someone to eat the feast.” The Arbiter clapped, and a giant sat down and began shoveling food two-fisted into his mouth. Both champions were scooped up with the cake and shoveled into his mouth, a humid cavern of stinking breath and candy cane shards.

There, Potato prayed again, to Tiamat: “Please. I want to meet my family. Dinkledink, don’t let me die like this. I don’t want to die alone.” The Grandmaster asked Dinkledink whether he would see this boy stand on his own two feet. Dinkledink considered it. “You like fried fish?” “I’ve never had fish… Anything for you, Dad.” “Yeah, why not? Shit.”

“Find yourself no longer at the feet of your enemy,” the Grandmaster pronounced, “but in the arms of your father.” Dinkledink cradled him like a baby, and the boy who rose from his arms had changed. “I was named by Tiamat. I was given the name of Starfall.” The Arbiter found it “a little dramatic, but it’s not the most dramatic thing we’ve had in the arena.” Tiamat blessed father and son, and both were restored. In his new voice, Starfall declared: “We shall feast on the corpses of our enemies.”

The Cake Elemental

From the chewed crumbs and saliva rose a growing shape with sprinkles for skin and cherries for eyes: a cake elemental, strawberry fondue to the core. “Only together will you survive this giant’s mouth.” Starfall swore a sacred vow against “this pathetic cake creature,” but every slice regrew from the food piles. Dinkledink, increasingly unnerved by his grandiose new son, asked, “What the fuck did I get myself into?” and threw himself into a frenzy anyway. The elemental answered with a wave of boiling cheese and a two-fisted “Candy cane smash!”, then tried to bake them both into itself.

Starfall found its weakness. “You’re trying to eat me. Oh, what a joke. How ironic. I am the one who will be devouring you.” Bites didn’t grow back. “It’s a food eating competition now,” the Grandmaster declared. Dinkledink admitted that his son was “really creeping me out,” but he ran up Starfall’s back, got launched by his boy, and tore into the creature with his over-and-under teeth. “My son, make me proud.” “Yes, father.” Then he begged the Grandmaster to see them out “so that we can find Starfall’s mother,” adding, under his breath, “I just want to get away from this kid.”

The elemental struck back with a perfect slam. Starfall threw himself into the blow, but it crushed him, and he sank lifeless into the cake and goo.

A Father’s Grief

Dinkledink’s rage was “akin to that of watching Ready Player One versus having read the book.” He bit into the elemental, wrestled it down and tore it apart, before realizing he was eating once-chewed food. He shook his son’s body: “Wake up. We have fried fish.” To the Arbiter: “We took a picture with you! You did this to us!” The Arbiter only asked, “What else did you think you were here for but to die?”

He hacked at the giant’s tongue until it spat them thirty feet down onto the table. Starfall landed broken in every bone. Dinkledink ran to every piece of food crying “Magic cake! It’ll save him!” and stuffed cake and candy into his son’s mouth, but it did no good. Then, through their bond, Tiamat’s power flowed into Dinkledink and gave him a rite to lay his son to rest. With one final breath Starfall looked up and said, “Father,” and was gone.

The Grandmaster floated down. “It was only a mere few rounds where you found fatherhood, but you should be proud of the son that now lays in your hands.” Dinkledink dragged Starfall under the placemat and set a star cookie on top. His eulogy: “Tiamat, this is Dinkledink rules ass. This is my son, Starfall… I only knew him for like, an hour, two… we were going to be a team, an unstoppable team.” He would find the boy’s mother, take her out for a fancy fried fish dinner, treat her real nice, and “possibly make more Starfalls.” Asked whether he would call her again, he answered: “Yeah, I’ll call her again… maybe I’ll bring her flowers.”

The Grandmaster laid her hands on his shoulders. “You have reminded us the beauty of the bonds that we hold, no matter where they begin.” She declared there would be no Deathmatch the following Sunday, so that all could give thanks for the family, friend or foe that makes them who they are. Then she raised “your mousy rodent ass” into the sky as champion and promised a fried fish fry in his honor that night.

Dried Blood

After the show the voices of the dead food taunted everyone to keep eating: “You’ll never kill us.” Starfall insisted, “No, I killed them all. Right? Yes, father.” Dinkledink, as ever, went along with it: “Yeah, sure, why not?” At the table, the hosts admitted that none of it had been planned: the father-son story came entirely from the players. It grew out of one threat to take a mother out for fried fish and never call her again.

Notable Moments

• The Arbiter recruited both champions from a mall Santa line and kept the 5×8 photo of all three of them on Santa’s lap.
• A half-cooked stuffed turkey, thrown from a small sack, cracked the feast table open into a deep chasm.
• Potato’s hip-tossed landing became a “hug,” and his opponent became his “stepdad.”
• Potato was reborn in a giant’s mouth as Starfall, named by Tiamat, and immediately became unsettlingly grand.
• Father and son stopped the cake elemental from regrowing by eating it, bite by bite.
• Dinkledink buried his son under a placemat with a star cookie, and the Grandmaster cancelled the next week’s Deathmatch so all could give thanks for their bonds.

Memorable Quotes

• The Arbiter: “I just really, really want to see someone die today.”
• Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer: “They took a cake and they poured cheese over it.”
• Potato: “I have a family now?”
• Dinkledink: “Favorite band is Creed. You came out with arms wide open.”
• The Arbiter: “This is my boss. Please don’t insult me in such a way. There are laws about that kind of thing.”
• Starfall: “I am the one who will be devouring you.”
• Dinkledink: “Yeah, you’re really creeping me out, kid.”
• Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer: “You have reminded us the beauty of the bonds that we hold, no matter where they begin.”

Who and What Appears

Characters

Potato / Starfall (JonKoe)

• As Potato: timid and hesitant. He doesn’t know his mother. He has never had a present and has never had fish. He wanted to stay with Santa. He doesn’t know what a magnet is (a “zero” nature check).
• Gear: a rifle (lost to the magnet), a longsword, a shield (kicked to the edge of the chasm, then pulled by the magnet), and a double-bladed scimitar (kept).
• Abilities: second wind, Vow of Enmity, wrathful smite. He says he is immune to disease (Dried Blood).
• Faith: worships Tiamat and prayed twice for power.
• The rebirth: he latched onto Dinkledink as his “stepdad”/“Dad.” Reborn in the giant’s mouth, he took the name Starfall, “named by Tiamat.” As Starfall his voice changed to confident and grandiose (“We shall feast on the corpses of our enemies”), and he called the elemental “pathetic” and “a joke.”
• His death: killed by the cake elemental’s slam. In his last breath he passed Tiamat’s power to Dinkledink as a burial rite. He was buried under the placemat with a star cookie.
• The Arbiter promised him a present if he won.

Dinkledink (“Dinkledink Rules Ass”) (EndlessChad)

• A rodent, called a “mousy rodent.” EndlessChad says “I’m a rat.” He has both an overbite and an underbite (one tooth was broken by Potato’s shot), a helicoptering long tongue, and short stubby claws. He climbs like a badger.
• Gear and abilities: a greataxe, hand axes (lost), rage and frenzy rage, and Grovel, Cower, and Beg.
• Allergic to strawberry (only mildly itchy).
• His favorite band is Creed. He wants succulents in a skull.
• He was promised candy canes by the Arbiter. He calls the Arbiter a “Criss Angel lookalike.”
• His running vow: to find Potato’s mother and take her to a “fancy fried fish dinner” (catfish, ketchup, no tartar sauce). He first said he’d never call her again, and later promised to call her.
• The father-son bond: he reluctantly became Starfall’s father (“I just want to get away from this kid”). Tiamat charged him with raising Starfall. He buried and eulogized his son.
• The win: he won the bout. Per the GM’s ruling, the Arbiter will take him on a fried fish date if he won.

The Arbiter (Mudcat)

• Found the champions in the Santa line at the mall, where he had been drunk. He was in line “for ironic reasons” and owns a 5×8 photo of the three of them on Santa’s lap.
• Uses mage hand. Wanted schnapps or Fireball but was “working.”
• Prepared the feast arena.
• Threw a half-cooked stuffed turkey from a small sack. Summoned the eating giant.
• Calls the Grandmaster “my boss” and insists theirs is a “purely business relationship.”
• Doug outrolled him on a chaos roll.

Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer (Caustic Phoenix)

• Decorated the Dread Fortress with goblins and celebrates “whatever holiday that she wants.” She dislikes Caroline the Canadian.
• Wanted a giant magnet installed in the arena.
• Recalls “mother said never to play with your food.”
• Conjured the cake elemental. Declared a week off from the Deathmatch to be thankful for bonds, and held a fish fry for Dinkledink.

Richard: a small goblin in a Santa hat who serves cocoa. He is also named among “the goblin chefs” who made the fondue cake.

The goblins: nearly 40 in the Dread Fortress. They are poor decorators and the bakers who misunderstood cheesecake.

Doug the Pug: sits beside the Grandmaster’s seat. He rolls a chaos die (a 12) and gets excited by the thrown dog treats.

Caroline: a Canadian the Grandmaster dislikes (“a bit of a dick”).

The giant: summoned by the Arbiter. He devours the feast two-fisted, swallows the champions with it, and spits them out when his tongue is chopped. Unnamed.

The cake elemental: formed in the giant’s mouth from chewed food and saliva, with cherry eyes, sprinkles and strawberry fondue. It regrows when cut but not when eaten. Its attacks are a hot fondue wave, candy-cane fist slams and a baking lair action. It can’t be frightened (no brain). It killed Starfall and was killed by Dinkledink.

Tiamat: Potato/Starfall’s god. She named him Starfall, blessed father and son to full strength, and granted the final-breath burial rite.

Santa (the mall Santa): real-world joke figure.

Places

• The Dread Fortress throne room, decorated for the holidays (wreaths, tree, garland, lights).
• The feast table arena: champions are shrunk. Features an ice cream cup (20 ft), a tiered fondue strawberry cake (10 ft), berries, a chocolate wafer, a placemat, and the chasm cracked by the turkey.
• The giant’s mouth.
• The mall where the Arbiter found them (real-world joke).

Items

• The Santa photo (5×8 print).
• The fondue-covered strawberry cake.
• The half-cooked stuffed turkey.
• The giant magnet in the arena. The magnet took everything metal.
• The star cookie grave marker.

Lore statements

• Ornaments in the Dread Fortress come “from all different regions of all the different realms.”
• The Void lacks Pinterest and “great internet access down here.”
• The Grandmaster sets the holiday calendar and can cancel a week of Deathmatches (in-world reason: gratitude for bonds).

Full Round-by-Round

Every beat of the episode, with timestamps (click to expand)

Opening — the Dread Fortress decorated for the holidays

1. 0:00:02 The Arbiter’s intro. The Dread Fortress is “looking a little more festive”: tinsel, blinking lights and ornaments “from all different regions of all the different realms.” Everything smells of cinnamon.
2. 0:00:59 In the throne room, Elusia directs goblins hanging decorations. They stack “goblin on top of goblin on top of goblin” to raise a giant wreath sprinkled with red berries, teetering as they go. She calls the Arbiter over to string lights.
3. 0:01:49 The Arbiter lifts the lights with mage hand, directing them “Fantasia style.” He says goblins “have no interior decorating skills.” The Grandmaster scolds him and covers a goblin’s ears, though goblin ears are much bigger than her hands. “They’re trying their hardest, okay?”
4. 0:02:29 A ladder of goblins putting the star on the tree topples over, and the whole tree crashes down. “Now we have to start over again.”
5. 0:02:42 — Richard. The Grandmaster calls “Richard!”, and a small goblin in a Santa hat appears. She orders two hot cocoas. The Arbiter considers schnapps, then Fireball, and settles on “I’m working… I’m on the job.” She has his made with extra cinnamon, “not sweeter,” and then orders one with Fireball in it anyway.
6. 0:03:19 The Arbiter mentions the Deathmatch. She’d forgotten. She snaps, and nearly 40 goblins assemble: “We have but mere minutes before our champions are before us and I want this hall finished.”
7. 0:03:58 — Santa’s lap. The Arbiter found the champions at the mall, in line to sit on Santa’s lap. “We just got hitting it off and I said, Hey, would you like to fight to the death? And they said, yes.” He shows a 5×8 print of the three of them on Santa’s lap together. Asked what he wants for Christmas: “I just really, really want to see someone die today.” GM: “We think alike.”
8. 0:04:39 The hall is finished. The tree is lit and strung with popcorn and cranberries, every window has a giant wreath, and garland wraps the banisters. “A few candles would be helpful.” The Arbiter hints that he has prepared a feast.
9. 0:05:10 — Holidays. The Arbiter suggests it’s a little early. The Grandmaster: “Elusia Skypiercer will celebrate whatever holiday that she wants.” Halloween next, then Boxing Day (“I don’t even know what it is”), and Canada’s Thanksgiving. The Arbiter: “We’ve always been friendly to the Canadians… We’ve had a lot of maple syrup.” GM: “Except for Caroline. Caroline’s a bit of a dick… She’s the one Canadian I don’t like.”
10. 0:06:27 — Introductions. “Coming in on the left knee… Potato! And on Santa’s right knee… Dinkledink Rules Ass!”
11. 0:06:52 — Potato. “Hi, I’m Potato?” He asks: “Can I go see Santa again? I want to be there instead.” The Arbiter: “We had a whole conversation on Santa’s lap.”
12. 0:07:23 — Dinkledink. “Dinkledink rules ass. I was promised candy canes. Where are the candy canes? You Criss Angel lookalike.” The Arbiter promises “all the candy canes that you can fill your face with.”
13. 0:07:46 The GM asks Potato whether he’s “more of a french fry than a mash.” Potato: “I just do what I’m told… I don’t want to die… I’ll try my best.” She orders Richard to bring Potato a cocoa too. The Arbiter: “He was so talkative at the mall.”
14. 0:08:40 — The present. The Arbiter offers Potato a present. Potato: “I’ve never had one of those before.” “If you win this deathmatch, I will give you the best present you’ve ever had… But it’ll be the only present you’ve ever had, so it’ll probably be the best.” GM: “Set the bar low. Perfect.”
15. 0:09:01 The GM asks which form of the name Dinkledink prefers. The Arbiter asks whether “rules ass” is hyphenated. Dinkledink grins: “This is my face.” Potato: “I don’t like this.” The Arbiter: “I was drunk earlier at the mall, so maybe I misjudged.”
16. 0:09:55 The Grandmaster approves: “Forget the bravado we’ve seen before… Thank you for bringing me these two oddlings.”

The arena — the feast table

17. 0:10:29 “Feast your eyes upon this.” The Arbiter opens a portal. Through it comes the smell of turkey, gingerbread and sweets, and a giant table.
18. 0:10:59 “It seems we have been shrunken to size upon our dining table.” The GM: “I know mother said never to play with your food, but she is not here.” Potato asks if he can eat. “If you can stomach what it brings you.” She warns that the food is sticky and dangerous at their size.
19. 0:11:46 — The Acolytes’ potluck. The Acolytes in their stadium seats are eating too. “Obviously a green bean casserole has to be on the list.” Cannibalism isn’t ruled out. Foods called out: hot dogs, pie, beer, tamales, eggnog with a brandy kicker, potato waffles (“I’m sorry, Potato, that’s not you… Or is it?”), chicken and cheese toasties, dumplings, popcorn, “just cheese,” and pork belly.
20. 0:13:17 Dinkledink’s teeth are ready. Is it an overbite or an underbite? “Both! He has both!”
21. 0:13:27 “Give us a dinner and a show.” The Grandmaster takes her seat next to Doug the Pug.
22. 0:14:31 The Acolytes have already summoned two chaos events before the fight.
23. 0:15:10 — Placement. Dinkledink stands on the rim of an ice cream cup 20 ft above the table, with a chill wafting off the ice cream behind him. Potato stands on the first tier of a cake 10 ft up, his feet sinking into icing and chocolate.
24. 0:16:11 Initiative ties at 22. Potato goes first on higher Dexterity.

Round 1

25. 0:16:57 Potato ducks behind the berries (half cover) and pulls out his rifle. He shoots Dinkledink. The Arbiter: “I was starting to think that he was going to let us down, but he brought a gun.” GM: “To a cake fight.”
26. 0:18:31 “Don’t hurt me. I want to win. I don’t like dying.” He reloads and shoots the chocolate wafer above Dinkledink. It cracks, peanuts wobbling, and crashes down on Dinkledink, who saves for half damage and ends up “in a crumble of chocolate and peanuts.”
27. 0:20:35 Potato lies down in the frosting to “be absorbed” and hide. It’s more viscous than expected and he starts sinking, like quicksand. His body heat melts the chocolate, it hardens again, and he stops sinking, but he’s stuck in it. He licks the chocolate off his hand (0:22:00 “I had something so sweet”; the GM asks if he’s complimenting himself).
28. 0:22:31 — Dinkledink. He smears ice cream across his face like blood and licks it off with an abnormally long tongue that “helicopters” like a cow’s. He hops down 20 ft without injury.
29. 0:24:19 He climbs the cake with short stubby claws, “almost like a badger.” The thick topping slides away, so he digs in wrist-deep. The cake is strawberry inside. “The most dangerous of flavors. You don’t realize Dinkledink’s allergic.” His Constitution save leaves him only a little itchy.
30. 0:26:14 He takes his paws to his head and rages. He throws a hand axe at the stuck Potato for a glancing blow. (He first rolled two battle axes by mistake: “Just launching battle axes.”)
31. 0:28:01 — The mother taunt. “When Dinkledink kills you, he’s gonna find your mother, take her out to a nice fried fish dinner, never call her again.” Potato: “I don’t even know my mother.” GM: “He’ll find her, don’t you worry. You’re gonna meet your mom and your new stepdad at the same time.” Potato: “I have a family now?” Dinkledink: “Just a few minutes.”
32. 0:28:29 — The fondue cake. Caustic Phoenix said “fondue” for “fondant” and leans into it. It is officially a strawberry cake covered in fondue. “They’ve never actually heard of a real cheesecake before… So they took a cake and they poured cheese over it.” “You better thank Richard and the rest of the goblin chefs.” Then chocolate on top, then fruit. “They just don’t have Pinterest… We don’t exactly have great internet access down here.”

Chaos events 1 & 2 — the food fight and the turkey (0:30:06)

33. The food fight. “You remember that food you brought? Well, it is time for a food fight!” The Acolytes hurl their potluck at the champions: hot dogs raining from the sky, Doritos, actual potatoes (“Your very distant potato cousins are raining from the sky.” Potato: “More me?”), a waterfall of boiling “stinky cheese hot soup” that sizzles on the table, pierogies, and dog treats, which get Doug very excited. Both champions save for half “food damage.” The GM suggests “a little bit of mental damage” for Potato as his own kind rains down.
34. 0:32:58 — The turkey. “What food do you throw at them?” The Arbiter pulls an entire stuffed turkey out of a small sack and throws it. Its shadow covers the whole table in darkness. Dinkledink rolls a nat 20 and Potato also saves, both rolling aside into the icing. The undercooked turkey is rubbery and bounces off, and the table cracks. A deep chasm now runs across it, and anyone who falls in won’t get back up.
35. 0:34:41 The Arbiter: it was “pre-cooked… cooked halfway”; he was saving it for after but “thought maybe it’d be funnier to throw it.” GM: “That’s not a foodborne illness waiting to happen at all.” “I’m not a turkey monger.”
36. 0:35:13 A third chaos event is already triggered for the end of round 2. The Arbiter: “This is your show. I’m just here to please you.” Both champions’ hero points are full: “Think of it as an energy drink.”

Round 2 — “Daddy, please”

37. 0:36:26 Potato pries himself out of the chocolate and runs to “my stepdad,” jumping on his back for protection. “Daddy, please.”
38. 0:36:58 Dinkledink answers with a hip toss. In the athletics roll-off Potato rolls a nat 1, and Dinkledink grabs his collar and flips him over his shoulder into the fondue, leaving him prone and grappled. GM: “Arms wide open, looking for the embrace and love that you have never had.” Potato: “Is this a hug?… Thank you, daddy.”
39. 0:39:17 Dinkledink: “Favorite band is Creed. You came out with arms wide open.” Then: “Turn your skull into a nice base for my succulents.” His greataxe, with advantage, hits. Dinkledink: “I’m getting a stepdaddy to teach you a lesson.” Potato: “I’m in disappointment already.”
40. 0:40:37 The GM asks if the two are connected. The Arbiter: “These were the only two grown men in line to see Santa.” “Including yourself?” “I was there for ironic reasons.”
41. 0:41:35 Dinkledink tries to push Potato off the cake with his foot, “like in A Christmas Story” (“Because you’re making me feel awkward, kid”). It misses, and his foot gets stuck in the chocolate. “This rage has turned into… Awkwardness.” He scurries in place, conflicted.
42. 0:43:39 The Arbiter’s end-of-round roll is a 2. Doug rolls a 12. Arbiter: “Well, Doug can suck it.” GM: “Well, you can suck, Doug. Nope, I’m gonna stop.” She takes a 19 anyway, since the Acolytes summoned the third event.

Chaos event 3 — the giant magnet (0:44:14)

43. “A shiny thing comes into play.” Distracted by his conflicting emotions, Dinkledink fails to notice it. Potato, on his back, sees that it is a giant magnet, whirring and humming as it charges. Next round it will pull up everything metal.
44. 0:46:08 The Arbiter had doubts “when you said, hey, I want to install a giant magnet in the arena… But I’m happy to be wrong… you make the impossible possible.”
45. 0:47:23 Does Potato know what a magnet is? “You don’t know what a hug is. Or your mom… Or a present.” His nature check is a nat 1, total zero. “You look in the sky and you go, oh, shiny.”

Round 3

46. 0:48:24 “I’m sorry, but they said they’ll give me something.” From the frosting, Potato thrusts his longsword upward, then swings again, crying “I’m sorry, Dad.” Both hit, but the rage blunts them.
47. 0:49:54 He rolls himself off the 10-ft cake ledge and lands on his back on the table. Dinkledink takes an opportunity attack: “I gave you a family!” It hits fully, because Potato’s shield isn’t equipped. Potato uses second wind.
48. 0:52:34 Dinkledink leaps down onto the prone Potato with the greataxe, with extra “gravity damage.” Two hits leave Potato bloodied. “Why dad?” Dinkledink: “Danny Dinkledink rules ass has to teach baby Dinkledink a lesson.”
49. 0:54:37 He renews the vow to take Potato’s mother to “fancy dinner of fried fish. I will never call her again. So I swear it.” Potato: “Can you at least give me her number?” “No, you’ll be dead.” “No wonder your mother left you.”
50. 0:55:15 Persuasion vs insight: Dinkledink rolls a nat 1. Potato: “You will call my mom again, I knew it!” The GM: Potato is invigorated. He now knows his mother exists, has hope, and feels the need to protect her from this fish fry. “Also, that’s not a fancy dinner.”
51. 0:56:28 — The Arbiter’s date. Dinkledink: “Arbiter doesn’t treat you right.” The Arbiter: “We’re not together… This is my boss. Please don’t insult me in such a way. There are laws about that kind of thing.” “You’re married to your work.” The Arbiter admits a fried fish dinner “wouldn’t be the worst place to catch a meal for a date.” GM: “If you succeed, the Arbiter will take you out on a date to a fancy fried fish… We’ll see who doesn’t call who afterwards.” Arbiter: “I don’t see why not… So far, you’ve been delightful.” GM: “Enough! …I need my own snack break.”

Round 4

52. 0:57:59 The Arbiter: “It’s considered very rude to bleed into someone’s cake.” “Do you want that present or not?… Then kill him! Sorry, Dinkledink, I have to be fair.” Potato: “I wanna meet my mom, too.”
53. 0:58:32 Potato reloads and fires point blank at Dinkledink’s head. “The overbite, underbite gives you a good target.” Dinkledink’s tooth breaks, sharp. Closing his jaw too fast may hurt him.
54. 0:59:50 — First prayer. Potato raises his shield and prays: “Empower me. I want to see my mother.” He’s given advantage on a religion roll and gets a 7. The GM: “Your words are heard… you might have to push further. Potato, I see great growth in you… Your mother is out there. May you find that strength.”
55. 1:01:57 Dinkledink: “Your god is Dinkledink rules ass.” He spends his hero point on a “Spartacus kick” to the shield. Potato fails the Strength save, and the shield skitters 15 ft to teeter on the edge of the chasm.
56. 1:03:36 “Me and your mother. Such fancy fish dinner. Catfish. And ketchup. No tartar sauce.” Then a nat 20 greataxe blow grievously wounds Potato (disadvantage on his attacks and slower speed, “so that sucks”), followed by a second hit. Potato lies very bloodied.
57. 1:05:28 Dinkledink: “I was proud as candy canes. And now a fancy fish dinner.” Potato: “But I was gonna get a present… Please?” “No.”
58. 1:10:07 The Arbiter rolls a 9: “Oddly enough, a nine will be enough.” Break.

Arbiter’s event — into the giant’s mouth (1:10:49)

60. 1:11:28 “This table does not come without someone to eat the feast.” The Arbiter claps and summons a giant who sits at the table and shovels food two-fisted into his mouth, slobbering everywhere. Both fail the Dexterity save. They’re scooped up with the cake and shoveled into the giant’s mouth.
61. Inside it’s wet, foggy and humid, with hot stinking breath. The damp tongue is covered in candy cane shards, cake chunks, chocolate sauce and melted ice cream. The ground shakes. The rerolled initiative leaves the order unchanged.

Potato’s rebirth as Starfall

62. 1:14:08 — Second prayer. “Please. I want to meet my family. Dinkledink, don’t let me die like this. I don’t want to die alone.” He prays to Tiamat (“all I’ve done for Tiamat, that she could recognize it”): “I want power. Power enough to live. Power to stand on my own two feet.”
63. 1:16:09 The GM asks Dinkledink whether he finds Potato worthy, whether he would see him stand on his own two feet. Dinkledink: “You like fried fish?” Potato: “I’ve never had fish… Anything for you, Dad.” Dinkledink: “If Papa Dinkledink rules, that’s a hug.” “Yeah, why not? Shit.”
64. 1:18:00 GM: “Find yourself no longer at the feet of your enemy, but in the arms of your father. Dig deep and find this transformation within yourself.” Dinkledink cradles him like a baby.
65. 1:18:37 Dinkledink: “What the fuck is going on, Potato?” Potato’s eyes have changed. “You don’t love who we are now?” Dinkledink: “Put that smile down just about 15%… That’s better.”
66. 1:20:10 “Who’s this potato?… I was named by Tiamat. I was given the name of Starfall.” Arbiter: “Starfall? It’s a little dramatic, but it’s not the most dramatic thing we’ve had in the arena.” Dinkledink: “You’re on your own two feet now, kid.”
67. 1:20:54 GM: “Tiamat gives her blessing to you and your newfound father. Dinkledink, you now have a new responsibility on your hand to now raise young Starfall.” Both are restored to full strength. Starfall: “Yes, father.” “We shall feast on the corpses of our enemies.”

The cake elemental

68. 1:22:11 The Arbiter has “kind of lost track” of the chaos count, so they throw one in. Crumbs, food and saliva in the giant’s mouth form a liquid, growing shape that hardens, with sprinkles all over it and small cherries for eyes. It is a cake elemental. “Only together will you survive this giant’s mouth.” It’s made of cake, candy canes, gumdrops and chocolate sauce, and “for the record, it’s strawberry.” “Strawberry fondue.”
69. 1:23:41 Starfall: “What is this joke?… Always hated desserts.” Dinkledink: “I ain’t got no talent.”
70. 1:24:42 Starfall: “Dad… How should we take this amusing creature on?” “Kill it, yep.” He channels a Vow of Enmity on “this pathetic cake creature” and swings his double-bladed scimitar at its front leg. The cut fondue regrows from the food piles. GM: “Swallow your food, people.”
71. 1:27:30 Dinkledink’s rage has lapsed during “a father-son bonding moment.” Starfall: “Tiamat shall empower you, father.” Dinkledink: “What the fuck did I get myself into?” He enters a frenzy rage and hacks three times.
72. 1:29:36 The elemental re-forms, pulling in more wet cake and syrup. Its fondue wave of hot, boiling cheese blisters both of them. Then it slams them with two candy-cane fists. GM: “Candy cane smash!”
73. 1:32:22 The GM prompts the Arbiter for his roll: “Goodness, I must hold your hand through this entire thing.” When she calls Dinkledink by the wrong form of his name, Starfall says “Get my father’s name correct.” GM: “You just met him.” “If you two are such a duo, you need to fight like you never have before.”
74. 1:33:05 — Lair action. The elemental tries to bake them into itself in a convection inside the mouth. “Time to make the cake.” It eats around their feet, and candy cane shards slice their ankles. Starfall takes it worse.
75. 1:34:34 — The bite. “You’re trying to eat me. Oh, what a joke. How ironic.” He casts wrathful smite and bites the elemental: “I am the one who will be devouring you.” Dinkledink: “That’s fucking weird, man.” GM: “It’s a food eating competition now.” It fails its save, but it can’t be frightened, because it has no brain. Eating it stops it growing back. He bites again at its leg. “Why would I waste a hero point on this joke of a monster?” “We shall devour this monster together. Bite by bite.” Dinkledink: “Yeah, you’re really creeping me out, kid.”
76. 1:38:57 Dinkledink, “going Kobayashi,” leans into the bonding. He runs, plants a foot on Starfall’s back and leaps onto the elemental. Starfall pushes up to launch him (“As we have that family bond, I know what he’s doing”). Then come three gnashing over-and-under bites, and the elemental looks very rough. “My son, make me proud.” “Yes, father.”
77. 1:41:41 Dinkledink uses Grovel, Cower, and Beg: “Please, damn it. Please see us out of here so that we can find Starfall’s mother, please.” Aside: “I just want to get away from this kid.”
78. 1:42:41 — Starfall falls. The elemental slams Starfall with a natural 20. Starfall spends his hero point to push himself inside the beast and blunt the blow, but he is knocked down, lifeless, swallowed by cake and goo, while peppermint pieces fly everywhere.
79. 1:45:23 Dinkledink goes into an emotional rage “akin to that of watching Ready Player One versus having read the book.” He bites into the elemental, wrestles it to the ground and tears it apart, killing it. It collapses into a pile of mush, and he realizes “you’re eating once chewed food already.” His son lies dead. Dinkledink is “presumably the victor.”
80. 1:47:13 He shakes the body: “Wake up. We have fried fish.” To the Arbiter: “We took a picture with you! You did this to us!” The Arbiter: “What else did you think you were here for but to die?”
81. 1:47:59 Dinkledink chops at the giant’s tongue, and the giant spits them out. They fall 30 ft to the table. Starfall’s body lands mangled, every bone broken. “You look down and realize that you did this.”
82. 1:49:15 — Magic cake. “Magic cake! It’ll save him!” Dinkledink runs to every piece of food, shoving cake and candy into his son’s mouth “like taxidermy,” but Starfall doesn’t revive.
83. 1:49:50 — Starfall’s last breath. Starfall feels the bond and the power of Tiamat flows into Dinkledink, giving him a ceremony spell to lay his son to rest. “Tiamat gives me one final breath of life to look up. Father,” and the breath leaves his chest.
84. 1:50:56 The Grandmaster floats down: “It was only a mere few rounds where you found fatherhood, but you should be proud of the son that now lays in your hands.” He may bury him in the cake.
85. 1:51:23 — The burial. Dinkledink drags Starfall under the placemat and puts a star cookie on top for the name, Starfall. He performs the ritual Starfall bequeathed him.
86. 1:52:14 — Eulogy. “Tiamat, this is Dinkledink rules ass. This is my son, Starfall. …I only knew him for like, an hour, two… Time’s funny, but we were going to be a team, an unstoppable team… And I’ll miss him, and I’ll find his mother, and I’ll take her out for a fancy fried fish dinner. Treat her real nice. Possibly make more Starfalls… I won’t force anything on her.” Asked “Will you call her again?” (speaker 06, Potato’s voice): “Yeah, I’ll call her again… maybe I’ll bring her flowers.”
87. 1:53:16 — The Grandmaster’s lesson. She places two hands on his shoulders: “You have reminded us the beauty of the bonds that we hold, no matter where they begin.” She declares that next Sunday there will be no D20 Deathmatch, so all can be grateful for “family, friend, or foe… that makes us who we are.” “It is yet another lesson that we have learned on the battlefield.”
88. 1:54:19 “Give us that lovely smile one last time.” She raises “your mousy rodent ass” into the sky: “We will celebrate you with a fried fish fry tonight. Welcome and good night, Acolytes.”

Full Dried Blood notes (click to expand)

In-character (Dried Blood, canon):

• 1:58:37 Caustic Phoenix, as a joke voice of the dead food (speaker uncertain as to character): “Keep eating all of this gross food. You’ll never kill us.”
• 2:00:09 Starfall (JonKoe): “No, I killed them all. Right? Yes, father.”
• 2:00:20 Dinkledink (EndlessChad): “Yeah, sure, why not?”

Out-of-character (creator notes):

• Mudcat: none of it was planned. The father-son bond, the fight in the giant’s mouth and the team-up against the cake monster all came from the players.
• Caustic Phoenix: the bond was an odd response to “I’m going to meet your mom… and never call her again.” JonKoe: “I don’t know my mom, you do.”
• EndlessChad pitched a one-shot: Dinkledink finds the mother, says sorry for killing her kid, and asks if she likes fried catfish.
• Mudcat: he gave the giant a Con save when its tongue was hit, so it spat them out.
• Caustic Phoenix: “fried fish is not a fancy dinner.” JonKoe: “For a potato, it’s super fancy.” The joke riffs on candles, a $12 bottle of wine, styrofoam plates, white bread and fancy sweet pickles.
• Eating the cake: they didn’t think about it being once-chewed food (“baby birding ourselves”). Healing by eating would have been allowed earlier. JonKoe: “I’m immune to disease.” EndlessChad: “I’m a rat.”
• Mudcat on the placemat burial: EndlessChad hid the body like dirt under a rug.
• Prequel joke: they were in line with the mall Santa for maybe six hours, played Magic and discussed Ready Player One. Mudcat: “We could do a whole prequel for it.” This is a joke, not canon.
• Caustic Phoenix: “And go to family therapy, got it.”