First appearance: S1 Ep1 — Ditch Em’ Darrell v Eshrinn · watch it on YouTube
Ditch Em’ Darrell is a fifty-some-year-old brawler with a walrus mustache, a mouthful of chewing tobacco and a battleaxe named Ramona that he plays like an electric guitar. He was pulled into the Void for the first Deathmatch ever held, against the snake-blooded spellcaster Eshrinn. What should have been a simple fight turned into a gold-dusted, dragon-borne doomed romance. Darrell won it and was crowned the first champion of D20 Deathmatch.
Story
Darrell was brought before the Grandmaster in the throne room of The Dread Fortress by the Arbiter. He introduced himself with all the subtlety of a bar fight: “They call me Ditch Em Darrell… My battleaxe, well, we call her Ramona… me and Ramona, we love them and leave them. And how we love them is sweet, sweet violence.” He made no secret of his love for trinkets and shiny things, and he eyed the Arbiter’s eight jeweled rings with intent to “borrow.” The Arbiter liked that. He said it struck “a chord with my more greedy side,” bet on Darrell, and half-promised him a ring. The Grandmaster, who always picked the opposite of whatever the Arbiter chose, backed Eshrinn.
The fight began in the Gilded Thresh Hollow, a secret cavern where waterfalls of gold and gems poured past the stands of The Acolytes. For an old man surrounded by free treasure, it was a dangerous place. Eshrinn charmed him almost at once, and Darrell spent the early fight digging through coins. He found a golden pinky ring and kissed it (“It’s all free… Ain’t no goblin saying don’t take my stuff”). Then the floor turned into a bouncy castle, and Eshrinn bounced over and offered to just be friends. Darrell, smitten, wedged the ring onto her finger. He never saw her drop it into a vial of mysterious green liquid. The Arbiter finally grew bored of “the arena of friendships” and broke the spell by throwing a gold piece at Darrell’s head.
The real fight came when a giant dragon rose from beneath the gold with both champions on its back and carried them out over snowy mountains. Darrell’s mustache froze solid, and the melting ice tasted of week-old KC Masterpiece barbecue sauce. Now fully himself again, he turned on his former sweetheart: “We ain’t friends. We ain’t never been friends. And you use my mind against me? How dare you, Essie?” She offered him the ring back, and the trick inside it sent him into a helpless fit of magical laughter while she spat acid on him. He only broke free when the desperate Arbiter, who admitted he owed some people money, spurred him on. Darrell answered with a heavy blow from Ramona. He then strummed the axe and fired a brown blast of eldritch energy from its pommel: “I’ll just be like Aladdin and show you the world.” He survived being blinded and shot with a poison dart, a dragon that flipped upside down on the Arbiter’s command, and a pair of lightning bolts from the Grandmaster. Then Eshrinn’s ice knife exploded at his grip, and he plunged into the golden pit far below. She fell soon after.
Bloodied in the crater, Darrell laid hands on himself to patch himself up, announcing that he would “very provocatively touch myself,” and he pinned Eshrinn’s tail under his boot. She slipped away and scaled a cliff. With the Grandmaster threatening to send the Arbiter in if nobody bled, he scooped her up with a giant magic hand and dropped her right in front of Darrell. Her poison spray hurt him badly, and she dashed off again, but a perfect eldritch blast brought her down. Darrell kissed her scaly forehead goodbye (“We could have been something. It would have been horrific and beautiful… me and Ramona, we gotta ditch you… Are you not entertained?”) and stuffed his pockets with gold. The Grandmaster welcomed him as “our first champion, Ditch Em’ Darrell.” Afterwards he reflected that he hadn’t expected to find love, only glory, and that this was “one thing that he wished he couldn’t have ditched, but he has to.” But the story didn’t end there: while the Grandmaster addressed the crowd, the Arbiter quietly sank Eshrinn’s body into a secret lair and brought her back to life.
Personality and Abilities
Darrell looks like a man who has seen a lot of weekend cookouts. He is old, chews tobacco, and wears a big walrus mustache that holds a good deal of barbecue sauce. He is cheerfully greedy and drawn to rings, trinkets and anything that glitters. He talks in folksy wisdom inherited from his granny and calls the Grandmaster his “manager” and the Arbiter the “assistant manager.” He is also a hopeless romantic, which is a dangerous trait in a deathmatch. He freely admits to having “old, brittle bones.”
In a fight he mixes holy and eldritch power. He heals himself with a paladin’s touch and swings Ramona hard, and when he needs range he plays the axe like a guitar and fires brown bolts of energy from its pommel. His big moments came at exactly the right time, from hanging on to an upside-down dragon to the final blast that ended the match.
Relationships
- Eshrinn: His opponent and, briefly, his love. She charmed him and tricked him, and he killed her, but he still mourned what “could have been something.”
- The Arbiter: Bet on Darrell, dangled a ring in front of him, and pushed him to win because he needed the money.
- Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer: Bet against him on principle, then crowned him her first champion.
Memorable Quotes
- “My battleaxe, well, we call her Ramona… me and Ramona, we love them and leave them. And how we love them is sweet, sweet violence.” (S1 Ep1 — Ditch Em’ Darrell v Eshrinn)
- “It’s all free… Ain’t no goblin saying don’t take my stuff.” (S1 Ep1)
- “We ain’t friends. We ain’t never been friends. And you use my mind against me? How dare you, Essie?” (S1 Ep1)
- “I’ll just be like Aladdin and show you the world.” (S1 Ep1)
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“We could have been something. It would have been horrific and beautiful… me and Ramona, we gotta ditch you… Are you not entertained?” (S1 Ep1)
- “My granny always said you can’t make the biscuits without buying the bread.” (S1 Ep1)