First appearance: S4E2 — Under the Bottom — Richardo v Evah · watch it on YouTube
Evah was a large barbarian champion who let her actions do the talking. In the days when The Shadow King had seized The Dread Fortress, she won her only Deathmatch by skewering Richardo on her glaive. She then sneered at “cheap tricks” and “little magic boxes,” and the Shadow King killed her on the spot.
Story
Evah was pulled into The Void by the Grandmaster during a grim time. The Shadow King was lounging on a throne that wasn’t his, and Elusia had to bleed for every portal she opened. Evah stepped out alongside Richardo “Over the Top” Johnson, an arm-wrestling Aasimar who promised to take the King’s crown. Asked to introduce herself, she offered only this: “I don’t talk. My actions do the talking for me.” The Shadow King loved it. Then the two were sent to an old pirate cove out on the open sea, standing on rickety boards around a table with a treasure map, while The Acolytes cheered from the sky with popcorn and blue raspberry slushies.
From the first moment, Evah found the whole affair beneath her. Richardo went looking for the arm-wrestling pads, the strap and the gold, and the Shadow King obligingly made a fountain of coins. Evah declared that “you dishonor the art of the fight.” She raged, endured a hammer fist to the throat and a punch to her rock-solid abs, and answered by carving a bloody X across Richardo’s chest and stabbing the centre of it. “This is how you play the game,” she said, slamming her glaive into the boards. The fight went on through a crushed Acolyte named Harvey, grandmothers hurled from the stands, and an Acolyte named Zeus screaming “Kick him in the nards!” She obliged, all four of them. When The Box of Chaos crashed down and the Shadow King fed it a fresh soul, Evah refused to take part: “Nice parlor trick. I didn’t know this was a magic show.” The box handed Richardo a holy sword anyway.
The fight turned against her when Richardo revealed his “final form” as a fallen Aasimar: wings, a shroud of shadow, a glowing blade. Evah was gripped by terror of him. One frightened grandmother pooped her pants, and the stench burned both fighters’ nostrils and poisoned them. A shadow fleet bombarded the cove and hurled the pair together by the table. The Grandmaster stripped both champions of their rage and, as a gift from the Acolytes, granted each a surge of heroic grit. Evah spent hers flipping the table and smashing it around Richardo “so he wears it like a tutu.” The Grandmaster rewarded the bloodshed by letting her glaive split in two. Richardo struck back with a table tackle, a bear hug and help from his mother Juanita in the stands. Evah slipped the hug with a perfect roll and was declared “ungrappable.”
Evah broke her fear with a pep talk to herself, recounting her murdered ex, the ex’s sister and her sister’s ex-husband. The Grandmaster reminded her of the man who wouldn’t give her ice cream, and Evah finished the thought: “You made ice cream out of his innards.” She demanded a slushie, got four, and promised to drink Richardo’s brains from one. Now Richardo was the one shaking in his sandals. Her reckless final swing dropped him. He begged for “five more minutes,” and she stabbed him through the chest and lifted him high on her glaive while Juanita wept in the crowd. “This is how you fight. No cheap tricks. No little magic boxes,” she said, knocking back a slushie. The Shadow King appeared before her in a poof of shadow, turned his arm into a blade and drove it up through her cup, her mouth and her head. “Well, your tongue won’t be doing any more wagging, will it?” Unlike the Grandmaster’s arena, where the fallen usually rise again in the locker room, the Shadow King’s arena gives no second chances.
Personality and Abilities
Evah was taciturn, proud and scornful of anyone who treated combat as a game or a magic act. She saved her few words for choice moments, and most of them were insults aimed at the Shadow King (“You, pretty boy. Shush.”). She was fastidious about her teeth: “I brush them every day. And every night.” She also had a seemingly bottomless supply of spit, which she used liberally to show contempt. Even mid-fight she worried about her skincare, and admitted that Richardo’s glancing axe blows might save her a dermaplaning appointment. By her own account she had killed her ex, her ex’s sister and her sister’s ex-husband, and one man’s innards had ended up as ice cream.
In battle she was a raging barbarian who fought with reckless flair: swirling glaive work, quick follow-up stabs, disarms, parries and grappling strikes. She was also, as the arena ruled, proficient with tables. Her glaive gained the power to split in two as a gift from the Grandmaster.
Relationships
- Richardo: Her opponent, whose arm-wrestling antics she found dishonorable; she killed him on her glaive.
- The Shadow King: She despised him and his tricks, mocked him openly, and was killed by him moments after her victory.
- Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer: Summoned her to the arena, egged her on to break the fear, and gifted her glaive the ability to split in two.
- The Acolytes: One of them bet on her, and another, Vegeta, threw her the slushies she demanded.
Memorable Quotes
- “I don’t talk. My actions do the talking for me.” (S4E2 — Under the Bottom — Richardo v Evah)
- “Nice parlor trick. I didn’t know this was a magic show.” (Under the Bottom)
- “I don’t give a damn about your little toy box.” (Under the Bottom)
- “I’m gonna put your brains in this thing. And then I’m going to drink them.” (Under the Bottom)
- “This is how you fight. No cheap tricks. No little magic boxes.” (Under the Bottom)