First appearance: S4E13 — Swole — Storm on the Horizon v Grug the Wizard · watch it on YouTube
Grug the Wizard called himself “the most powerful wizard that one has ever seen,” and he believed every word. In truth he was a former barbarian under a wizard’s curse. He raged, punched, hurled books and yelled the names of spells at anything that moved, while the occasional burst of accidental wild magic convinced him it was all working. He fought Storm on the Horizon in a meditation valley before The Shadow King and the Grandmaster. He lost, but he may be the happiest champion ever to die in the arena.
Story
S4E13 — Swole — Storm on the Horizon v Grug the Wizard
Grug stepped out of the Grandmaster’s blue portal in The Dread Fortress and told his origin story with total pride. He had once been “a unintelligent barbarian” who climbed the tallest mountain, found the most powerful wizard there and demanded: “Puny Wizard, make me powerful!” The wizard laid hands on him, and Grug came away sure that his muscles were “pumping with magical aura.” When asked to pose, he showed off his “awesome wizards books,” which were really huge nonsense tomes such as the tax records of a medieval county. He flexed so hard his wizard robes tore at the biceps and neck.
The fight opened badly for him. Storm, a snow leopard, bounced a boomerang off his forehead twice, the second time while he was still powering up, and left what looked like an equal sign on his brow. Grug went into what he called “full stream magic,” shouted “Blur” while shimmering lights wrapped around him, and punched Storm with a cry of “Death Touch!” His “spells” kept landing as fists. Storm, meanwhile, said she loved him and wanted to be his friend. Grug had his own plan for her: she would bow down and become his familiar. When she turned huge, sad kitten eyes on him, his tender heart won out. He tried to hug her, missed, and tenderly hugged a rock instead, then remembered they were in the middle of a battle. When the Shadow King doubted Grug knew what a wizard was, Grug spelled it out: “W for Wonderful, I for Intelligence, Z for Zap, U for Ultra, R for Radiant, D for Damage.”
A chicken-wing siren walked down through the stands singing “Chicken wing, chicken wing, hot dog and bologna.” Storm shook off the song, but Grug walked off in a trance and stood with his mouth open while the siren pelted him with chicken wings until he choked and coughed up a bone. Storm then coughed a hairball right into The Box of Chaos and got back a flying hairball chariot. Grug, it turned out, had never really noticed clouds, or the sky at all. While Storm circled above and stabbed him with her long spear, he threw his spell books like boomerangs, calling them “Magic missile!” and “Fireball.” One came back and hit him in his own head. He promised Storm a magic tower and “wet food all around” if she would surrender. She pretended to agree and used the opening to strike again.
The ending was pure Grug. He blasted Storm with a blinding beam from his bare pecs, then finally looked up and saw the sky properly for the first time: “So much sky, it’s endless. If only I could be part of the sky.” In his own mind he sprouted magical wings and soared. In reality he jumped again and again until he was level with the front row of The Acolytes, who went mad and blind at the sight of his eyes. Then he did not actually land on anything, and fell sixty feet into the river. He lay face down in two or three feet of water, unaware he could stand up. The Shadow King cracked a metal chair over his head and then hauled him out by the collar so he wouldn’t drown too early. The blow set off a beam of radiant light that blasted out of Grug’s ass, his “buns of holiness,” and knocked out twenty swooning Acolytes. In the next round he teleported straight into Storm’s one-seater chariot, nose to nose with her, and pleaded for her surrender one last time. In the final round, Storm stunned him, unloaded four strikes and shoved him over the side. As he fell “like a brick from the sky. But a beautiful shiny brick,” the Acolytes whispered his name, and Grug died between the two streams with a smile on his face.
Personality and Abilities
Grug was enormous, sweet-natured and completely sincere. His muscles kept bursting out of his wizard robes, and he carried his “spell books” everywhere. He wrote new spells into them in crayon, a crayon that also served as a snack. He talked in proud, simple sentences and saw the whole fight through the lens of his curse. Every blow was “Death Touch” or “Burning Hands,” every time he was hit he declared “Stone skin!” or “Mage armor!”, and the Acolytes even shone flashlights on him so he could believe he was glowing with power. The Grandmaster admitted she was impressed: Grug knew more spell names than a lot of real wizards.
The curse came from the mountain wizard, and according to Grug’s own story he had always been told he was “too dumb to be a wizard.” He used no real magic at all, only stray surges of wild chaos that sometimes made his shouted spells briefly real: tangling vines, necrotic tentacles, short teleports and dazzling beams from his chest and his ass. The curse also promised him a gentle exit. Whenever Grug dies, he will always have a happy ending in his head and go out smiling, sure he was the greatest wizard. His dreams were modest: a magic tower, because “all wizards have magic towers,” and a familiar at his side.
Relationships
- Storm on the Horizon: His opponent, whom he badly wanted as his familiar. She called him an “excellent opponent,” lied to him twice about surrendering, and threw him to his death.
- The Shadow King: Mocked Grug’s grasp of wizardry, hit him with a metal chair, then pulled him out of the river so he wouldn’t drown before the finish.
- Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer: Admired his made-up spell words (“I quite like them”) and closed the match with a tribute to being who you are meant to be.
- The Acolytes: His adoring and frequently blinded audience, who chanted “Grug the Wizard” in a whisper as he fell.
Memorable Quotes
“Puny Wizard, make me powerful!” (S4E13)
“They said I couldn’t be smart enough to be a wizard, but I showed them.” (S4E13)
- “Wait a second! We’re in the middle of a battle! How dare you!” (S4E13)
- “Soon I will get a magic tower. Because as you know, all wizards have magic towers.” (S4E13)
- “So much sky, it’s endless. If only I could be part of the sky.” (S4E13)
- “Always wash your hands.” (S4E13, Dried Blood)