First appearance: S1E6 — Belly of the Beast — Viago v Tetra · watch it on YouTube
Metal Chairs are the most beloved blunt instrument in the Void. When The Acolytes demand chaos, there is a good chance it arrives as the scrape of steel dragged across the floor and a host leaping from on high with a chair over their head. What began as a coin-flip gamble in the first season became, by the Shadow King’s own description, “the classic.” The chairs have since done duty as wrestling props, grandstand seating, and an intervention circle.
Description
The chairs are ordinary-looking metal chairs, sometimes described as large, usually kept out of sight behind the Grandmaster’s throne. They usually come out in pairs: one for the Grandmaster and one for The Arbiter. The hosts then hurl themselves into the arena and bring the steel down on a champion’s head. Over the years the delivery has grown more theatrical, from a simple chance-based beating to synchronized dives, wrestling-style dive-bombs from the sky, and an opening battle cry.
The same hard metal seating also fills the Acolytes’ grandstands, which does not please everyone. The Grandmaster keeps a newer, shinier set in reserve as well.
History
The chairs first appeared in S1E6 — Belly of the Beast — Viago v Tetra. After the Arbiter announced, “Our acolytes have demanded chaos,” the Grandmaster went behind her throne, laughing. There was shuffling, then the clang and grind of metal dragged across the floor, and she came back with two metal chairs. The Arbiter’s chair was meant for Viago, and the Grandmaster’s was for Tetra, “my prize champion.” Each champion had to call a coin flip, and a right call meant escaping the hit. They settled for a simple two-sided roll, since, as the Grandmaster complained, “we haven’t gotten the Arbiter to get us cooler coins yet.” The Arbiter promised he was working on it, and she added that “Viago can only count from one to two.” By the end, one chair had been thrown down and the other had become Viago’s collar.
The chairs returned in Season 2. They came out as the third chaos event of A Lovers’ Quarrel, the fight between Lethe and Sorry. In Shrooms, pitting Mcswiggins against Snoop & Dog, the Grandmaster pulled two chairs from behind her seat and handed one to the Arbiter. Both flew at the champions to open with a chair shot. In Black Hole Sun, the chairs were used for something gentler. When Professor Stabbz announced he was casting “Intervention” on Mad Cass O Weary, the Grandmaster described everyone stopping and even the Acolytes coming down to “form a circle of metal chairs.” The Arbiter added that the material components were “six to eight of his loved ones and some cookies.” The intervention was a gag, and the fight went on.
In Season 3’s The Student and the Master, the Grandmaster and the Arbiter stepped to the edge of their platform and pulled two large chairs from behind their backs. A roll decided the pairings: the Grandmaster took Alma and the Arbiter took Ahyan. The two hosts then launched into a synchronized “screaming falcon” swan dive. Afterwards the Grandmaster wondered why she sounded “like a haggard witch” while the Arbiter “actually sound[ed] like a rock star.” His answer was “A lot of practice… No regard for my vocal cords.”
The tradition survived the Shadow King’s rule. Chairs came out again as a chaos event in S4E4 — Death Dealers — The Scourge v Bone Daddy. In Swole, between Storm on the Horizon and Grug the Wizard, The Shadow King landed a perfect roll at the end of a round and chose the event himself. “I think I want to go with the classic this evening,” he said, and he asked for help with “a little family activity.” He snapped his fingers, produced two chairs, and offered, “Ladies first.” The Grandmaster took hers, cried out, and dive-bombed from the sky “in true wrestling fashion.” The chair clanged into the skull of the blinded Storm. “You’ll need some aspirin for that,” she said, tossing Storm two tiny little blue pills.
Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer: “Let us hear you scream! It’s time for the metal chairs!”
During the Season of Fate, the chairs kept their place. In Chaos in Chinchilla Forest, fought in The Chinchilla Forest between Tormiir and Granny Edith, the Lord of Fate split into two copies of himself. The duplicates rose into the sky on white wings and dove “like synchronized swimmers,” smacking both champions across the face with metal chairs. The blow left Tormiir one bad stumble from death. Later that season, in Froggy Style, featuring Kyle Stoddard, Thea passed along the crowd’s requests, which included cushions. The grandstand seats were “the hard, really metal chairs,” and the Acolytes’ “bum bums hurt.” The Lord of Fate was unmoved: “they’re designed that way. That way they stand up. It’s more exciting.”
The chairs got an upgrade in Season 7’s Rock and a Hard Place, between Iowa-Ska and The Pebble. The Grandmaster revealed she had been planning to let the Arbiter bring out “your own new shiny chair that we got you, but you don’t deserve it.” Doug the Pug then dragged out a whole set of brand-new shiny metal chairs on a rope. The Arbiter’s response was “Oh, fuck you, Doug.” The Grandmaster declared the chairs “No longer yours,” and told him he would now have to “wait till Christmas.”