First appearance: S5E4 — Chaos in Chinchilla Forest — Tormiir v Granny Edith · watch it on YouTube
Tormiir is a minotaur warlock who arrived in the arena promising to murder everyone, then spent most of his career defending the sanctity of cow’s milk and falling in love with his opponents. He wears a purple jumpsuit and gold bangles, and purple magic leaks from every one of his many orifices. He fought twice during the Season of Fate, when the Lord of Fate ruled The Dread Fortress, and died both times in spectacular fashion. He became an unlikely Acolyte favorite, complete with merchandise, and his remains later turned up in a grave in The Midnight Mausoleum.
Story
Chaos in Chinchilla Forest
Tormiir made his debut in S5E4 — Chaos in Chinchilla Forest — Tormiir v Granny Edith. Thea summoned him through a twelve-foot doughnut portal alongside Granny Edith, a tiny baker with a rolling pin as big as she was. Thea billed him as a creature “put on this earth to just flatten geriatrics,” and his first words were “I’m gonna murder all of you.” The fight moved to The Chinchilla Forest. There his opening blast of purple flame from his snout went badly wrong: “I just sneeze and I burn my own face.” He fired more warlock blasts from his eyes and ears, and Granny scolded his table manners. Partway through the match he admitted the truth. “I’ve only killed warriors in battle. Only the biggest and the strongest. I’ve never killed an old lady.”
The fight turned into a strange courtship. A kiss cam caught the pair, and Tormiir gave Granny “a little smooch-a-rooney” before promising to kill her. She answered by clubbing him with the rolling pin. When he was worn down he pulled bottles of milk “imported from my mother” from his jumpsuit, and he raged at the Acolytes for judging him: “We’re cow people, you freaks.” He tried his luck with The Box of Chaos and paid its shadowy occupant with spit, which it licked off his face. In return his long-forgotten brass sword became a singing onyx blade. He then called down “the most horrifying attack in all of existence,” a portal of udders, latched onto five of the nipples and chugged himself back to full strength. The joy didn’t last: Thea flew in and fit four nipples, Granny took out her dentures and fit sixteen, and Tormiir swung at her screaming “Get off of my mother, you freaks!”
The ending came from a chaos event that filled the forest with the smell of each champion’s favorite food. For Tormiir that was fresh morning grass after rain. For Granny it was her great-grandma’s bread and butter pudding. The temptation finished Granny off. She was granted one last attack “just for flavor,” on the line “Life is what you bake it,” and Tormiir fumbled his defense so badly that the pun killed him too. Thea declared that “Granny’s killing him from the grave.” As he bent to kiss her forehead, he discovered he had a gluten allergy: his orifices swelled shut and his body began tearing itself apart from the inside. He collapsed beside her in “an accidental spoon,” his final thought “Bread and butter pudding,” and then kept dying again for dramatic effect. Neither champion won. Afterwards both were revived in the recovery room, where a Wagyu farmer squirted milk into his mouth from a sports bottle and massaged him to classical music. His lesson: “I’ve learned to not fall in love with the elderly opponent very early in the match.”
Chaos Royale
Tormiir returned for the season finale, S5E16, Chaos Royal (Season 5 finale), the first Chaos Royale (four-way). It was a four-way brawl at the skull-mouthed front door of the Dread Fortress, and the prize was a red ceramic mug. He introduced himself as “Tormiir, the great minotaur.” He charged a beam between his horns, melted a meteor out of the sky and kicked the falling glass. To his horror, Acolytes in Tormiir t-shirts were chugging milk and pouring it over their bodies. His first sword swing went wrong and knocked the mustache off Richard Knottley. His goring rush worked better, and Richard ended up impaled on his horns for a good stretch of the round, one horn between his ribs and the other in his butt cheek, “kind of close to my rectum.” Richard tried to fight back with electricity from his Peloton body, but Tormiir’s magic was “magical electricity anyway,” and the shock ran harmlessly into the ground.
His real enemy turned out to be Copycat. She took his form and phoned his mother to claim he’d entered a milk-drinking contest. Tormiir called his mother back to smooth things over (he only offers beef “in the privacy of my own bedroom”) and landed a “big, solid bolt of fuck you” on Copycat. She then fed him hot dogs she had sworn were tofu before revealing they were “100% ground beef.” He vomited them up whole, unchewed. When she posted the video online to ruin him, he shrugged it off: “I spent full evenings taking big old meat rods over and over… How do you think I paid for college?” Later he lit his greatsword by licking its edge, cut her open, and got her canceled online. Copycat then made a deal with The Hunger, which abandoned its young host Bobby Clark to ride on her back. Tormiir formed an alliance with Richard, launching him from his horns at the new horror.
The end came when Copycat ordered the Hunger “a nice steak dinner”: Tormiir’s own mother, freshly arrived behind him. The Hunger bit her “like a milkshake straw,” and the emotional damage finished him. His last words were for her: “I was going to win that mug from my mama so she could drink out of it. Water, you freaks.” His ghost sat on a sideline bench and cheered Richard on (“Let’s do it for my mama!”). Then the Hunger mangled his body, his mother’s remains and the leftover hot dogs into a giant puppet. Tormiir’s ghost insisted the “preferred term is felted friend.” The puppet battered Richard, the Hunger swallowed him whole, and Copycat and the Hunger took the mug.
The Midnight Mausoleum
In S7E4 — The Cheese — Sila v Ol’ Pumpernicklejack, a shallow grave in the Midnight Mausoleum turned out to hold the decomposed body of a minotaur. His bones were intact and a few pant legs were barely hanging on. The Arbiter and the Grandmaster bickered over the name, with “Brormir” and “Boromir” both getting a turn, before settling on Tormiir. The Arbiter explained the confusion: “They all look the same when they die.” The Grandmaster noted that he “was notably not very rich, so he barely had pants on.”
Personality and Abilities
Tormiir is an enormous, muscle-bound minotaur, “mostly cow,” with a neck thicker than Granny Edith’s whole body. He dresses in a purple jumpsuit with matching gold bands on his horns, neck, arms and ankles, because “who doesn’t love a matching set?” He greases himself and shaves daily, keeping hair only where a gorilla would have it. He claims 27 orifices, counting his back end and some very ambitious rib piercings, and purple magic spills from all of them. His accent wanders wildly and finally settles on Scottish. Asked where he comes from, he says he has been “on the range for my whole life. I’m everywhere. And nowhere.”
He is a warlock, though “I don’t talk about it a lot.” He fires blasts from his snout, eyes, ears and mouth. His signature move is a purple beam charged between his horns “like a mystical tuning fork,” which he calls a “Kamuhamuha wave.” In his first fight he carried a brass sword that he forgot he had until the Box of Chaos turned it to onyx. In his second he swung a two-handed greatsword that returned to his hand.
His defining trait is devotion to his mother and her milk. He carries bottles of it, hides an emergency supply in a secret sporran, and can open a portal of udders. Other species drinking milk or eating cheese sends him into a fury, though he cheerfully admits “I love cheese and milk. Like, I’m a bastard.” For all his threats, he is a softie who grows fond of his opponents and dies with great theatrical flair: “I’m a dramatic bitch.”
Relationships
- Granny Edith: His first opponent. He vowed to flatten her, fell for her halfway through, and died spooned beside her, promising tea in the afterlife.
- His mother: The source of his sacred milk and the love of his life. She arrived behind him in the finale and was eaten by the Hunger, which is what killed him.
- Copycat: His tormentor in the Chaos Royale. She stole his face, crank-called his mother and tricked him into eating beef.
- Richard Knottley: He spent much of the finale impaled on Tormiir’s horns before becoming his late ally. Richard restored Tormiir’s honor with his mother and punched on in his memory.
- The Hunger: His killer in the Chaos Royale. It also turned his body into a felted puppet.
- Thea: She summoned him for his debut and got belched on for her trouble. She agreed in the end that “Milk is love. Milk is personal.”
- The Acolytes: His fans, who wear his t-shirts and keep drinking milk in front of him anyway.
Memorable Quotes
- “You all eat cheese. You all drink milk from different species. You’re all judging me for drinking my own mother’s milk. We’re cow people, you freaks.” (Chaos in Chinchilla Forest)
- “I came here to drink milk and kill old ladies and I’m all out of milk.” (Chaos in Chinchilla Forest)
- “Because of a pun? I am dead?” (Chaos in Chinchilla Forest)
- “Mama, we’re gonna need milk for our tea.” (Chaos in Chinchilla Forest)
- “I was going to win that mug from my mama so she could drink out of it. Water, you freaks.” (Chaos Royale)
- “Preferred term is felted friend.” (Chaos Royale)