S5E4 — Chaos in Chinchilla Forest — Tormiir v Granny Edith

Watch on YouTube

A minotaur in a purple jumpsuit who was supposedly put on this earth to flatten the elderly met a little old lady with a rolling pin as big as she was, and neither of them could quite land the killing blow. Tormiir and Granny Edith spent six rounds in the Chinchilla Forest trading cookies, kisses, breast-milk discourse and some of the gentlest violence the arena had ever seen. They wore each other down so thoroughly that the match ended with both of them dead, side by side, promising to share a cup of tea in the afterlife.

The Story

The Picnic

The night began in the halls of the Dread Fortress, where the Lord of Fate strolled with his arms folded behind his back, his fine Italian leather boots clacking on the stones “with an Italian accent because they’re Italian.” He was looking for his assistant, Thea, and found her in the kitchen packing a picnic basket: peanut butter and honey sandwiches with extra peanuts for crunch, apple slices and apple juice. The Lord of Fate made the mistake of saying he wasn’t picky about chips. “That’s the wrong answer,” Thea told him. “I thought you were in charge because you knew things.” She packed three family-sized bags of Cool Ranch Doritos.

When he asked whether she’d set up the Deathmatch, Thea produced a second giant basket of snacks and water bottles, so the champions could stay hydrated while they “tear each other’s flesh from their bones and snap each other’s femurs.” The Lord of Fate admitted he was “actually a little impressed.” Thea had been stepping up her game, and that was “going on the report.” She begged for a gold star, then three, then five. He drew one on her forehead with his ink pen. “Ow. Thank you.”

Then Thea pulled a doughnut out of the basket and blew on it. It swelled to about twelve feet tall, pink-iced and sprinkled, with a void where the hole should be. Through it, she presented the evening’s champions.

The Champions

Granny Edith was a very small old lady with gray curls, giant Coke-bottle glasses and a flour-dusted apron with spoons and whisks in its pockets. She had come because she “just love[s] baking things” and had heard there was good old-fashioned home cooking to be done. The Lord of Fate groaned that a few weeks ago it had been an old man, then a teenage boy, and now another elderly woman: “Can we not shoot for the middle of the age bracket?” Thea insisted Granny was middle-aged. Granny helped by explaining that her grandpappy had lived to 200. She soothed the Lord with a cupcake from her apron and a reminder that “stressed is desserts spelled backwards.” He found it oddly comforting. He also found it a problem. He had come into “this seat of power rather abruptly,” he explained, and not everyone was happy about it, so old women being beaten to death in the arena was a bad look.

Tormiir was a minotaur in a purple jumpsuit, gold bands on his horns, neck, arms and ankles (“who doesn’t love a matching set?”), carrying a big brass sword. Purple magic spilled constantly from every orifice he had. Thea assured everyone that he was put on this earth “to just flatten geriatrics.” His opening statement was simple: “I’m gonna murder all of you.”

Thea handed out giant jugs of water. Granny poured hers into the giant teacup she kept on her belt. The Lord of Fate was reassured to hear Granny had signed a consent form, though Thea admitted, “I don’t actually know what the forms say because the chinchillas wrote them.”

Into the Forest

Thea pulled the doughnut’s sides down like a curtain, and the scene dropped into the Chinchilla Forest, the place, the Lord of Fate explained, “where we source our local chinchillas.” Thea added that the chinchillas run wild and free and “sometimes nibble on the bones of the champions who’ve been left to rot here,” so they grow up big and strong. She also whispered to Granny that the chinchillas keep a secret kitchen and move it around. They hide their cooking because otherwise they’d always have to serve people, and they hate people.

Granny didn’t need a stove anyway. She had 79 great-great-great-grandchildren, so a minotaur was “gonna be no problem at all.” Tormiir offered to wait for them to get old and run them over too, which Thea found “really actually considerate.” Above them, the Acolytes cheered from the hanging stands. The Lord of Fate asked the doomed to make it interesting because he’d had a long week, and Thea got right in their faces: “I want to see blood. I want to see sweat.”

Snouts, Eyes and Kisses

Tormiir struck first, and badly. He pointed his snout at Granny and blew a big purple warlock flame, but it came out as a sneeze that burned his own face. Next he held his nose and fired magic out of his eye holes, like someone squirting milk from their eyes. It missed. “Who taught you your table manners, young man? That’s disgusting.” Granny threw a handful of flour into his eyes, and he promised it was “time to make biscuits with you, old lady.” She thought that sounded delightful. He clarified that she was the main ingredient. She thanked him, since no one had told her that in years.

Then a giant jumbotron appeared in the sky with the kiss cam on the two of them. Tormiir offered his cheek, got “a little smooch-a-rooney,” and whispered “I will kill you” before pulling away. Granny used the moment for “a little love tap” with the rolling pin. Tormiir fumbled the block completely and spun around with little cakes circling his head.

Thea hovered close to crow at him, so he belched fiery breath at “the little flappy one.” It burned her badly enough that the Lord of Fate snapped his fingers and reversed time so her skin reformed. “You are not a champion. You are an admin,” he told her, and sent her behind the wall. Granny, meanwhile, announced it was eleven o’clock and time for biccy and tea, and recovered on her fortifying cookies. The Lord of Fate had his own tray of Oreos. Thea swallowed a cookie whole and had to punch her own throat to break it up. When she stumbled through the end of the round, the Lord threatened to make Doug do her job. She asked the champions what they wanted if they won. Tormiir wanted “Your head on a platter.” The Lord of Fate said “Sold.” Granny just wanted the world to be happy, because “all you need is loaves.”

The Minotaur’s Confession

Tormiir’s ear-hole blasts both missed, and he sadly cleaned an ear with a Q-tip. The Lord of Fate grew suspicious, and Tormiir broke: “I’ve only killed warriors in battle. Only the biggest and the strongest. I’ve never killed an old lady.” Granny consoled him. She had lived through five major world conflicts, and he had his whole life ahead of him, or at least the rest of the match. Thea sat at her feet like a grandchild for a story that began “the year was 1725,” until the Lord of Fate cut it off.

Granny’s encouragement turned out to be a psychic attack, and Tormiir shrugged it off, more pumped than ever. Her signature move, Granny’s Cookies, sent the spinning rolling pin rolling across the ground to flatten him. It left them both winded. “Mr. Hammond, I would no longer like to support your park.” Granny took a nip from her little hip flask, “just between you and me.” Thea threw one of the champions’ sandwiches deep into the stands to an Acolyte named Alan Wigginson, just to taunt Tormiir. He fired a beam from between his horns at her, and Thea sidestepped it like a matador with a little red cloth.

Metal Chairs and Mother’s Milk

The Acolytes demanded chaos. Thea asked whether the Lord of Fate had brought folding chairs. “I am always sitting on a folding chair just in case.” A glint caught the champions’ eyes. It was not “a silver 1998 Chevy Impala with the Michigan license plates” but a metal chair. The Lord of Fate split into two copies of himself, spread white wings, and dove like synchronized swimmers to smack both champions across the face. Tormiir was left one bad stumble from death.

So he reached into his jumpsuit as if for pistols and pulled out two bottles of milk, “imported from my mother.” When the crowd recoiled, he turned on them: “You all eat cheese. You all drink milk from different species. You’re all judging me for drinking my own mother’s milk. We’re cow people, you freaks.” Granny tried a hug that squeezed a little too tight, then cake to put him into a food coma. He fought the hug off and only got sleepy from the cake. When she tried to box his ears, they mostly wore each other out. “We’ve done, like, no damage to each other,” Granny observed.

The Box Opens

“This entire fight right now is kind of absurd. I think it’s time,” said the Lord of Fate, and reached into the sky. Multicolored chaos lightning crackled, The Box of Chaos slammed onto the field in a column of pink and yellow fire, and a shadowy figure clawed its way out. Feeling magnanimous, the Lord of Fate let everyone use it for free. Thea spent her turn stuffing an entire bag of Doritos into her mouth, bag and all, and was told she was a lord now.

Tormiir landed his crackling horn beam on Granny twice, the second time after unzipping a hidden sporran for his emergency milk. He was, he finally explained, a warlock: “I don’t talk about it a lot.” He’d been on the range his whole life. “I’m everywhere. And nowhere.”

Granny went to the box next (“Granny’s got some skeletons in her closet”). “Aren’t you a little old to be fighting to the death?” asked the figure. When Granny allowed that everyone has different parenting techniques for still breastfeeding, Tormiir exploded: “They’re not breasts, you fucking weirdos,” and “Every time you have a fucking latte, imagine my mother on your lips.” She traded one of her signature brownies, and from the darkness inside, yellow eyes stared back. Her inner monster awakened. Granny got hench, still a little old lady but bigger, with her rolling pin swelling and her eyes narrowing behind the glasses. “I’ve had enough of you! It’s time for Granny to show some whoop-ass!” One swing glowed “with hot energy from the stove” and left Tormiir dissociating for a good thirty seconds.

Udders from the Heavens

After a pause for more Doritos, Tormiir made his own trade. The figure greeted him with “What do you want, mama’s boy?”, took his spit and licked it off his face. In return, the sword he’d forgotten he had turned from silver to black, an onyx blade that sang through the air, with a warning that one bad swing would destroy it and probably him. He kissed the figure on the forehead. It wiped the kiss off.

Then came “the most horrifying attack in all of existence”: “Ka-moo, Ma-moo, Ma-nee!” A portal opened and udders fell through. Tormiir latched on and fit five. Thea flew in and fit four. Granny took out her dentures and fit sixteen. “Back in my day, we had to drink our milk directly from the teat.” Fully restored, Tormiir swung at her in a rage: “Get off of my mother, you freaks!” Granny pointed out that he had offered. Her electric beater, powered by an arcane battery pack, went badly wrong: “I don’t think that milk agreed with me.” “It’s not for your species, you weirdo!” She steadied herself with three deep breaths (“where there’s a whisk, there’s a way”), saying it wasn’t her time, though she knew her Gerald was waiting for her. The Lord of Fate marveled that they’d never seen champions this worn down.

The Final Bake

In the last round, Tormiir slashed twice with the onyx blade and hit both times. He was “all out of milk.” Granny promised she’d come back from worse, and maybe they could get a cup of tea in the afterlife. A hard-raisin cookie thrown like a frisbee missed, but she dropped him in a giant mixing bowl, kneaded him like dough, and ran along the top of her rolling pin to flatten him. Both of them were barely standing.

Then Thea’s best roll of the night summoned chaos: a delectable aroma, each champion’s favorite food. For Tormiir it was fresh morning grass after rain, the petrichor. For Granny it was her great-grandma’s bread and butter pudding, the one she always tried and never quite got right. Neither could resist. Granny collapsed first, spending her last breath on a blessing:

Granny Edith: “I’m so happy I get to taste my great grandma’s bread and butter pudding again. And I’m gonna see Gerald… I want all of you to take care of yourselves and remember to always eat a cookie and life is what you bake it.”

Thea granted her one last swing “just for flavor.” Tormiir completely failed to block it, and the pun killed him. “Because of a pun? I am dead?” “Granny’s killing him from the grave.” He leaned down to kiss her wrinkly forehead, discovered he had a gluten allergy, and felt his orifices swell shut as his body began to tear itself apart from the inside. He fell beside her in an accidental spoon, his last thought “bread and butter pudding.” He died several more times for good measure (“I’m a dramatic bitch”), finally whispering, “Mama, we’re gonna need milk for our tea.”

The Lord of Fate called it a good job. Thea pointed at her forehead, declared that “this punderdome earns five stars,” and got four more ink stars. She celebrated by zipping around the coliseum pouring tuna juice on everyone, which the Lord of Fate had outlawed.

Dried Blood

In the recovery room, both champions were revived, their cuts and bruises healing. Mages massaged Granny’s tendons, and she asked whether they could take a few more decades off. Tormiir’s trainer, a Wagyu farmer, squirted milk into his mouth from a Gatorade bottle and massaged him to classical music. Tormiir clarified that his condition was celiac, not lactose, and that his mother “was just out for the evening.” He also counted his orifices: “All 27,” his back end and rib piercings included. He conceded that his accent was “decidedly Scottish.” Granny was glad a little bit of her had been left behind for others to remember, even if, as Thea pointed out, it was a killing blow rather than a cookie recipe. She resolved to take a nap next time, because “I’m a whisk taker.” Tormiir had learned “to not fall in love with the elderly opponent very early in the match.” “Rookie mistake,” said the Lord of Fate. Granny’s final advice: “If in doubt, bake it till you make it.”

Notable Moments

• The kiss cam caught Tormiir and Granny mid-fight, and he followed the smooch with “I will kill you.”
• The Lord of Fate split into two winged copies of himself to hit both champions with metal chairs.
• Tormiir admitted mid-match that he had never actually killed an old lady.
• A portal of udders opened in the sky, and Granny fit sixteen with her dentures out.
• Granny’s dying pun killed Tormiir, who then discovered a gluten allergy while kissing her forehead.
• Thea earned all five of her forehead stars, then poured outlawed tuna juice on the crowd.

Memorable Quotes

• Tormiir: “I’ve only killed warriors in battle. Only the biggest and the strongest. I’ve never killed an old lady.”
• Granny Edith: “Who taught you your table manners, young man? That’s disgusting.”
• The Lord of Fate: “You are not a champion. You are an admin.”
• Tormiir: “You all eat cheese. You all drink milk from different species. You’re all judging me for drinking my own mother’s milk. We’re cow people, you freaks.”
• The Box of Chaos’s shadowy figure: “Aren’t you a little old to be fighting to the death?”
• Granny Edith: “I’ve had enough of you! It’s time for Granny to show some whoop-ass!”
• Tormiir: “I came here to drink milk and kill old ladies and I’m all out of milk.”
• Thea: “Granny’s killing him from the grave.”

Who and What Appears

Characters

Tormiir (Cucumber). A minotaur warlock (“I don’t talk about it a lot”).

• Looks: purple jumpsuit, gold bangles and bands on his horns, neck, arms and ankles. Purple magic spills from all of his (27) orifices.
• Powers: warlock blasts from his snout, eyes, ears and mouth. Signature move: a purple beam charged between his horns (“Kamuhamuha wave”).
• Weapon: a brass sword, turned into an onyx blade by the Box of Chaos (destroyed on a nat 1).
• Milk: drinks his mother’s milk, kept in bottles, an emergency stash in a hidden sporran, and a portal of udders. Rages at anyone else drinking milk or eating cheese, though he admits he loves cheese and milk himself.
• History: says he has only ever killed warriors, never an old lady. “On the range my whole life… everywhere and nowhere.” Accent drifts, finally Scottish.
• Death: a gluten allergy / celiac disease. Loves morning grass and petrichor. Died beside Granny.

Granny Edith (guest). A tiny old lady baker.

• Looks and gear: gray curls, Coke-bottle glasses, a floury apron full of spoons and whisks, a rolling pin as big as she is, a giant teacup on her belt, a hip flask, and an electric beater with an arcane battery pack.
• Signature move: Granny’s Cookies (throwing the spinning rolling pin; running on top of it).
• Family:
  • Her grandpappy lived to 200.
  • She has 79 great-great-great-grandchildren.
  • She grew up on her great-grandpappy’s farm “up north.”
  • Gerald is “waiting for” her in death (relationship unstated).
• History: a girl of 17 in “1725.” Lived through five major world conflicts.
• The Box of Chaos awoke her yellow-eyed inner monster (doubled nat 20 effects).
• Sayings: “stressed is desserts spelled backwards,” “all you need is loaves,” “where there’s a whisk, there’s a way,” “life is what you bake it.”
• Favorite food: her great-grandma’s bread and butter pudding.

The Lord of Fate (Mudcat). Came into “this seat of power rather abruptly… not everyone’s happy about it,” and worries about optics.

• Keeps a report on Thea; draws stars on her forehead in ink.
• Reverses time to heal Thea. Splits into two winged duplicates with metal chairs. Summons the Box of Chaos.
• Always sits on a folding chair. Outlawed tuna juice. Threatened to have Doug roll for Thea.

Thea (Caustic Phoenix). The Lord of Fate’s imp assistant, “an admin, not a champion.”

• Packs picnics, creates the doughnut portal, and dodges like a matador.
• Ate a whole bag of Doritos, bag included. Told she’s “a lord now.”
• Ends the episode with five ink stars on her forehead.

The Box of Chaos’s shadowy figure (Mudcat). Trades items for offerings: Granny’s brownie, Tormiir’s spit (inferred). Calls Tormiir “mama’s boy.”

Others:

• Doug: mentioned as a potential roller, not present.
• Alan Wigginson: an Acolyte in the stands who caught Thea’s sandwich.
• Julia Rose: the giveaway winner.
• Tormiir’s mother: source of the milk; “out for the evening.”
• Granny’s great-grandma and Nana.

Places

• The Chinchilla Forest: the arena, a forest where the local chinchillas are sourced, they eat the bones of rotting champions, and they keep a roaming secret kitchen. The Acolyte stands hang above it.
• The Dread Fortress kitchen; the front office of the Dread Fortress.
• The recovery room (Dried Blood).
• Granny’s great-grandpappy’s farm “up north, yonder.”

Items

• Thea’s 12-ft doughnut portal.
• Picnic baskets, Cool Ranch Doritos and the Lord’s tray of Oreos.
• Consent forms written by chinchillas.
• The metal chairs.
• The onyx blade.
• Granny’s brownie (traded), cupcake, cookies, raisin cookie and multigrain crackers.
• Thea’s tuna juice (outlawed), corn dogs and cup of tears of enemies.

Lore statements

• The Lord of Fate can reverse time locally and duplicate himself. He has white wings.
• Chinchillas can cook but hide it because they hate serving people.
• Revived champions are healed in a recovery room by mages (Dried Blood).

Full Round-by-Round

Every beat of the episode, with timestamps (click to expand)

Opening — the Dread Fortress kitchen

1. 0:00:00 Narration: the camera follows the Lord of Fate through the halls of the Dread Fortress. His fine Italian leather boots clack on the stones (“with an Italian accent because they’re Italian”). He walks with his arms folded behind his back, looking for Thea.
2. 0:00:41 Thea squeaks from behind the kitchen doors: “I’m in here!” She is packing a picnic basket.
   • Food: peanut butter and honey sandwiches with extra peanuts on top “to make them super crunchy,” apple slices and apple juice.
   • Chips: she flies to the cabinet and throws things out (“those are Crackers, those are cookies, where are the chips?”). The Lord of Fate says he isn’t picky. Thea: “that’s the wrong answer. I thought you were in charge because you knew things.” She packs three family-sized bags of Cool Ranch Doritos, grinding her teeth.
3. 0:02:08 He asks whether she set up the deathmatch. “Of course I did. It was the very first thing I packed.” She pulls out a second giant picnic basket of snacks and water bottles for the champions, so they stay hydrated while they “tear each other’s flesh from their bones and snap each other’s femurs.”
4. 0:02:44 — The star. The Lord of Fate is “actually a little impressed. You’ve been stepping up your game the last few weeks… That’s going on the report.” Thea asks for a gold star (then three, then five). He draws a star on her forehead with his ink pen. “Ow. Thank you.” She promises the champions are worth “five cold stars.” He: “Let’s start with one.”
5. 0:03:59 — The doughnut portal. Thea pulls a doughnut from the basket and blows on it. It grows to about 12 feet tall, with pink icing and sprinkles, and a void space forms in the doughnut hole. She presents “Granny Edith” and “Tormiir” (misheard “Granny Death” and “Dormir”).
   • Granny: “Well, hello there, dear fellow.”
   • Tormiir: “I’m gonna murder all of you.”

The champions

6. 0:05:10 — Granny Edith.
   • She “just love[s] baking things” and heard people here could do “some good old-fashioned home cooking.”
   • Looks: a very little old lady with gray curls and giant Coke-bottle glasses. Her apron is dusty with flour and its pockets hold spoons and whisks. She carries a giant rolling pin as big as she is.
7. 0:05:45 — The age bracket. The Lord of Fate complains to Thea: “a few weeks ago, it was an old man, and then it was a teenage boy, and now another elderly woman… can we not shoot for the middle of the age bracket?” Thea insists Granny is middle-aged.
   • Granny: “my grandpappy lived till he was 200, so I’m hoping I can live that long.”
   • To the Lord: “stressed is desserts spelled backwards.” She offers him a cupcake from her apron. He finds it “oddly comforting.”
8. 0:06:37 — The optics. The Lord of Fate: “I came into this seat of power rather abruptly, and… not everyone’s happy about it. And so if I have old women getting beaten to death in the arena, you see how that’s a bad look for me.”
9. 0:07:10 — Tormiir. Thea fumbles the pronunciation (“Tormiir, or is it Tormiir?”).
   • Looks: a minotaur in a purple jumpsuit with gold bangles. Gold bands circle his horns, neck, arms and ankles (“who doesn’t love a matching set?”). He carries a big old brass sword, and purple magic is always spilling out of every orifice.
   • “He just really loves killing old women… He was put on this earth to just flatten geriatrics.”
10. 0:08:03 Thea hands both champions giant jugs of water. Granny pours hers into a giant teacup she keeps on her belt.
11. 0:08:37 — Consent forms. The Lord of Fate: “if she’s signed a consent form… I guess this works.” Thea: “I don’t actually know what the forms say because the chinchillas wrote them… we will definitely not ever get sued, ever, ever.”

The arena — the Chinchilla Forest

12. 0:09:07 Thea stands in the doughnut hole and pulls its sides down “like a curtain.” The scene drops into the Chinchilla Forest. She flies through trailing a puff of ink dust.
    • The chinchillas: the Lord of Fate says the forest “allows the acolytes this week to see where we source our local chinchillas.” Thea: the chinchillas “run wild and free and sometimes nibble on the bones of the champions who’ve been left to rot here… so they grow up big and strong.”
13. 0:10:09 Granny asks for a stove and swats flies. She doesn’t need one to kill a minotaur: “I got 79 great-great-great-grandchildren, so he’s gonna be no problem at all.” Tormiir: “I’ll wait for them to get old and run them over, too.” Thea finds that “really actually considerate.”
14. 0:10:49 — The secret kitchen. Thea whispers to Granny: “the chinchillas do have like a secret kitchen, but they hide it in different places.” Nobody is supposed to know chinchillas can cook, or “they would always have to serve people… and they are really terrible hosts because they hate people.”
15. 0:11:30 — Words of wisdom. The Lord of Fate stands and adjusts his robes: “champions who are going to die, please make it interesting. I get bored very easily… I kind of had a long week and I need this.”
    • Thea gets in both their faces: “I want to see blood. I want to see sweat. I want to see the dirt in this place torn up from every corner of this forest.”
    • Above them hang the arena stands, full of cheering Acolytes: “They are the ones who have come to witness your story.”
16. 0:13:05 Tormiir wins initiative. The Lord of Fate: “good job, Thea. This is the start we wanted.” “I’ve been working on my pronunciation.”

Round 1

17. 0:13:37 — Snout flame. Tormiir points his snout at Granny and blows a big purple warlock flame. It’s a natural 1: “I just sneeze and I burn my own face.” Granny: “You’re gonna have to try harder than that, dearie.”
    • A sidebar asks where a minotaur counts as cow. Tormiir: “I’m mostly cow.” “Where does it count?” “The horns.”
18. 0:15:28 — Eye juice. “You know how some people can squirt milk out of their eyes?” He holds his nose and shoots warlock magic from his eye holes. It misses. Granny: “Who taught you your table manners, young man? That’s disgusting.” Tormiir swats a fly.
19. 0:16:51 — Flour in the eyes. “Now, listen here, little son of [Jim?]. I don’t appreciate your attitude.” Granny throws a handful of flour from her apron into his eyes to blind him. Tormiir defends.
    • Tormiir: “Time to make biscuits with you, old lady.” Granny: “Oh, that sounds actually quite delightful.”
    • Tormiir: “No, no, like, you’re the main ingredient. Like, I’m threatening you.” Granny: “Oh, well, thank you, darling. No one’s told me that for many years.”
20. 0:18:16 — Kiss cam. A giant jumbotron appears in the sky with the kiss cam on Tormiir and Granny. Tormiir offers his cheek, gives her “a little smooch-a-rooney,” and adds just before pulling back: “I will kill you.” Granny: “Oh, you so cheeky.” Tormiir: “I love her. I don’t want to kill her anymore. No, I mean, I’m going to destroy her.”
21. 0:18:55 — Love tap. “This is just going to be a little love tap.” Granny swings the rolling pin as he pulls back from the kiss. Tormiir rolls another natural 1 on defense. He spins around with little cakes circling his head “to keep it in the theme.” He now has two fatigue.
22. 0:20:10 — Belch at Thea. Thea, hovering close, crows at him. Tormiir uses a free attack to open his mouth and belch fiery breath at “the little flappy one.” It hits. Thea: “I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe, it’s so strong.”
    • The Lord of Fate snaps his fingers and reverses time so Thea’s skin reforms. He orders her out of range.
    • Thea: “I wanna know… what it smells like.”
    • Lord of Fate: “You are not a champion. You are an admin. You’re supposed to be on this side of the wall. If you want to fight to the death, I can certainly arrange it.”
    • She hides behind the wall, peeking over it and glaring at Tormiir.
23. 0:22:29 — Biccy and tea. Granny nibbles cookies: “it’s 11 o’clock, it’s time for [biccy] and tea.” She regains two fighting spirit with her “fortifying cookies.”
    • Thea begs a chocolate chip cookie. The Lord of Fate has his own giant tray of Oreos.
    • Thea swallows hers whole and you can see the cookie in her tiny neck. Tormiir: “I just really need some milk.” Thea punches her throat until it breaks up.
24. 0:23:40 — End of round. Thea’s round roll is a 2. The Lord of Fate: “You should be happy that I’m not making Doug roll for you… I could go get him.” Thea: “No! I can do my job.”
    • Thea announces Granny is ahead (“It means you’re losing!”).
25. 0:24:32 — Prizes. Thea offers the winner “one thing that you really want. Maybe a new kitchen, maybe more gold horns… What do cows like? Grass?”
    • Tormiir wants “Your head on a platter.” The Lord of Fate: “Sold.” Thea: “Granny, I’m rooting for you now.”
    • Granny: “I just want the world to be happy… all you need is loaves.”
    • Thea suggests she could just chop off her own head; the Lord of Fate is “considering that as well.”

Round 2

26. 0:25:34 — Ear holes. Tormiir’s accent has “flown wildly all over the place… he’s a cow on the range.” His ears perk up and fire warlock blasts from both ear holes at once. Both miss. He sadly cleans an ear with a Q-tip.
    • The Lord of Fate: “I feel terrible for your wife.” Tormiir: “No, she loves it.”
27. 0:27:05 — Never killed an old lady. The Lord of Fate: “I’m starting to think that you’ve never killed an old lady at all.” Tormiir admits it: “I’ve only killed warriors in battle. Only the biggest and the strongest. I’ve never killed an old lady. I’m so ashamed.” “This guy doesn’t have it.”
28. 0:27:39 — Five wars. Granny consoles him: “I’ve lived through five major world conflicts… you’re young, you got your whole life ahead of you. Well, the rest of this match.”
    • Thea sits at her feet like a grandchild. Granny starts: “the year was 1725. I was just but a young girl of 17… My grandpappy, you see, he had this little farm.”
    • The Lord of Fate cuts her off. Granny invites Thea over for tea later. Lord: “You guys can go hold hands at the World’s Fair.”
29. 0:28:51 — Pep talk as psychic attack. “It seemed like you’re having a mental breakdown. But I believe in you.” Her encouragement counts as a psychic attack. Tormiir rolls a natural 20 on defense and is empowered (+1 fighting spirit, more adrenaline).
    • Thea explains over-adrenaline with weights and treadmills.
    • Tormiir: “You know how you kill rhinos?… You chase them around until they adrenalize and poison their own bloodstream.” “We all learned something awful today.” Thea: “I don’t want to do this anymore.”
30. 0:30:48 — Granny’s Cookies (signature move). Granny is upset he didn’t laugh at her joke.
    • Tormiir: “I hope it’s not what I’m thinking it is.” Thea: “Get your head out of the oven.” Granny: “Kitchen’s getting real hot all of a sudden.”
    • She twirls the rolling pin, builds a big spin and throws it rolling across the floor to flatten him (“We’re making Tormiir cookies”).
    • It’s a tie: he dodges, and both take fatigue. Tormiir: “Mr. Hammond, I would no longer like to support your park.”
31. 0:32:47 — Hip flask. The rolling pin rolls back to her and she catches it, wheezing. “I’m going to take out my little hip flask, take a little shot… don’t tell anyone about that. It’s just between you and me.” She clears a fatigue.
    • Her next rolling-pin swing misses. “Stop belching in my face, it’s disgusting!”
    • Thea: “You’ve got the best cookies in all of the Void.”
32. 0:33:57 Thea’s round roll is 18 (“a total of 20… Zero. Which is probably… the number of orifices Tormiir has”). Tormiir: “More than you’d expect from a cowman.” The Lord of Fate: “He has as many accents as orifices.”
33. 0:34:48 — The sandwich. Thea offers water and sandwiches, but not the chips: “The chips are for us.” She throws a sandwich far away into the stands, to Acolyte Alan Wigginson, taunting Tormiir.
34. 0:35:50 — Horn beam at Thea. Warlock power charges between Tormiir’s horns “like a mystical tuning fork” and blasts a column at Thea. “All attacks on Thea are free tonight.”
    • Thea dodges like a matador, waving a small red cloth and stepping aside.
    • Tormiir watches the Acolyte eating his sandwich: “fuck this, man… I came here to kill the old lady.”

Round 3 — chaos event: the metal chairs

35. 0:37:26 The Acolytes trigger a chaotic event (Tormiir’s roll, 13). Thea checks the Lord of Fate brought folding chairs. He: “I am always sitting on a folding chair just in case.”
    • Thea: “a glint catches your eye. Is it a shiny bird? A launched trash can? A silver 1998 Chevy Impala with the Michigan license plates? No! It’s a metal chair hurled at the two of you from the Lord of Fate.”
36. 0:38:54 Both fail the save. The Lord of Fate vibrates and separates into two duplicates of himself. They rise into the sky, spread their white wings, and dive “like synchronized swimmers,” smacking both champions across the face with metal chairs. Each loses fighting spirit and gains fatigue. Tormiir is at four fatigue, one natural 1 from death.
37. 0:40:15 — Mother’s milk. Tormiir reaches into his jumpsuit as if for pistols and pulls out two bottles of milk, which he chugs to clear two fatigue. “Imported from my mother.” Lord: “Wait, are you still breastfeeding? How old are you?”
    • Tormiir to the stands: “You all eat cheese. You all drink milk from different species. You’re all judging me for drinking my own mother’s milk. We’re cow people, you freaks. It’s meant for us… Burn in the Seven Hells.”
    • Someone asks for some. “No. It’s for me from mommy.” Thea: “I think we found Tormiir’s [soap] box.”
38. 0:41:56 — The hug. Granny waddles over and gives him a big hug that squeezes “a little too tight.” It misses. “Oh, you’re a very strong boy.” Tormiir: “My neck is thicker than her entire body. All the milk… I’m a growing boy.”
39. 0:42:29 — Cake. Granny feels sorry for him and tries to feed him cake to put him in a food coma (a status effect). Tormiir rolls another natural 20 on defense. He regains fighting spirit but his third adrenaline gives him a fatigue. “This cake made me so sleepy.”
40. 0:43:38 — Boxing his ears. “I’ve tried to give you a hug. I’ve tried to give you my cake and you’re not having any of it. So it’s time to box those ears.” The first swing misses.
    • On the second, Tormiir’s natural 20 defense ties it: both regain fighting spirit, then both gain fatigue. Granny: “We’ve done, like, no damage to each other.”
41. 0:45:10 Thea offers Granny Doritos. Granny: “I don’t like those newfangled snacks. I got some crackers right here.” They’re multigrain, “really, really dry.”
42. 0:45:38 Thea has Granny roll the round-end die for her (“I remember when I found you in your kitchen and you were making the most delicious smelling food”). It’s a 9.
43. 0:46:10 — The Box of Chaos. The Lord of Fate: “This entire fight right now is kind of absurd. I think it’s time.”
    • He reaches into the sky. Chaos lightning storms crackle multi-colored lightning, and the Box of Chaos slams onto the field. A column of pink and yellow fire shoots up as a shadowy figure claws its way out.
    • You sacrifice an action to it for a magical item. Feeling “magnanimous,” he makes it free.
    • Thea: “You get a free action and you get a free action!… Everyone gets a free action!” She uses hers to stuff the entire bag of Doritos into her mouth, bag and all. “I was gonna eat some of those.” “You’re a lord now, this is fine.” Thea: “Wait, am I a lord now?” “Yes.” (Then “He just turns into a mirror,” unclear.)

Round 4 — Granny’s inner monster

44. 0:48:20 Tormiir fires a crackling purple beam from between his horns at Granny (signature move). It hits hard. Granny: “Why do I keep rolling ten?”
45. 0:49:31 — The sporran. “I have a hidden sporran in my jumpsuit.” He unzips a flap, drinks his emergency milk to clear a fatigue, then fires the signature beam again and hits.
    • The Lord of Fate notes his first “Kamuhamuha wave” was at Thea, so he has one use left.
    • Thea: “maybe next time share some of your milk.” Tormiir: “I got milk stored everywhere.”
46. 0:51:05 — Warlock and accent. “I drink the milk to recover… I blast out warlock spells. I’m a warlock. I don’t talk about it a lot.” His origin: “I’ve been on the range for my whole life. I’m everywhere. And nowhere.” Thea: “That makes a lot of sense when you don’t think about it.”
47. 0:52:12 — Granny’s origin. “I grew up on a little farm… my great-grandpappy’s farm… You ever been up north, yonder?… it’s really nice to settle down, dig roots.” She was surprised to be here; “sometimes it’s nice to get out of your house.” She prattles until Thea stops her.
48. 0:52:56 — Granny opens the box. “Granny’s got some skeletons in her closet.”
    • The figure: “Aren’t you a little old to be fighting to the death?” Granny: “I’ve lived a good long life, but I’m ready. But honestly, I don’t think it’s my day today.” She’s heard Tormiir is still breastfeeding: “everyone’s got different parenting techniques.”
    • Tormiir: “They’re not breasts, you fucking weirdos. It sounds worse to say you’re teat feeding… Every time you have a fucking latte, imagine my mother on your lips.”
    • The figure: “What do you have to trade?… I’m not gonna give you shit for free.” She trades one of her signature brownies (he mishears “brown eyes”).
49. 0:55:00 — The inner monster. The box rumbles and opens on darkness. Yellow eyes stare back and her inner monster awakens: all natural-20 effects are doubled for her.
    • She “becomes hench,” still a little old lady but bigger. Her rolling pin grows and her eyes narrow behind the Coke-bottle glasses.
    • “I’ve had enough of you! It’s time for Granny to show some whoop-ass!… You’re gonna teach you some respect, young man!”
50. 0:56:38 — Four swings.
    • The first is a tie (both fatigue). Tormiir: “No more ties, please.”
    • The second hits.
    • The third is a power-up: the rolling pin glows “with hot energy from the stove” and hits for 3. Tormiir “dissociated for a good 30 seconds.”
    • The fourth is narrowly blocked once his +2 is added (“I broke my macros”).
    • Then another nip from the flask to clear a fatigue: “I’m getting really aggravated.”
51. 0:59:15 Thea rolls 12. The Lord of Fate calls a break because Thea ate all the Doritos and he needs another bag. Thea will bring sandwiches and asks chat for snack requests. (Break cut from the mp3.)

After the break

52. 0:59:48 The Lord of Fate’s “neck is stuck in this precarious position,” so Thea vamps.
    • She can balance on a ball for a minute and hold her breath for 25–30 seconds at a time.
    • She brought “corn dogs and tuna juice sandwiches and cup of tears of all of our enemies.”
53. 1:00:34 — Giveaway. The Lord of Fate picks “the lucky acolyte who’s going to win the giveaway this evening. Courtesy of our sponsor of the arena, Logitech G.” The winner is Julia Rose, who should “contact the front office of the Dread Fortress to claim your prize.”

Round 5 — the udders

54. 1:01:41 Tormiir, at four fatigue (“I’m not doing great”; Thea: “you never look good to begin with”), uses the box.
    • The figure: “What do you want, mama’s boy?” Tormiir: “I don’t talk about my mama.”
    • He apparently pays in spit: the figure “licks the spit off his face.” Thea: “That’s disgusting.” (Inferred from “as he licks the spit off his face” and Mudcat’s “Yes” to “was this give the spit?”)
55. 1:02:48 — The onyx blade. The sword he never used (“I forgot I had a weapon”) turns from silver to black, an onyx blade that sings as it slices the air. It gives +1 bloodlust to all his abilities.
    • Thea’s warning: on a natural 1 attack “the blade will be destroyed, but so will probably you.”
    • “Thank you, little gobble baby.” He kisses the figure on the forehead. “Gross.” It wipes off the kiss, and the box shuts and flies back into the sky.
56. 1:04:33 — The udder portal. He charges up “the most horrifying attack in all of existence”: “Ka-moo, Ma-moo, Ma-nee!” A portal opens and udders fall through. He latches on.
    • A nipple count follows: Tormiir fits 5 (“I’m a reasonable cowboy”), Thea flies in and fits 4, and Granny takes out her dentures and fits 16 (“The suction is incredible”).
    • Granny: “back in my day, we had to drink our milk directly from the teat.” Tormiir: “Mama was packing.”
    • His heroic surge, “chug-a-lugging,” clears all his fatigue.
57. 1:06:28 — “Get off of my mother.” Tormiir swings the onyx sword at Granny: “Get off of my mother, you freaks!… You did this!” To the crowd: “When you eat your cheese!” It’s a tie and both gain fatigue. “I feel real good now.”
58. 1:08:08 — The electric beater. Granny: “you offered your mother’s teats. So I just helped myself and now you’re yelling at me.”
    • She attacks with a plugged-in electric beater with multiple whisks, powered by “a magical arcane battery pack.” “What the fuck is this shit?”
    • She rolls a natural 1: “I don’t think that milk agreed with me.” Tormiir: “It’s not for your species, you weirdo!… Stop eating cheese!”
    • She’s at four fatigue. “Hell of a turn[ed] tables… like you were on a Lazy Susan.”
59. 1:09:25 — Gerald. “Where there’s a whisk, there’s a way.” She spends three actions clearing three fatigue: “I don’t wanna die today, it’s not my time. I know Gerald’s waiting for me, but.” Thea: “Gerald!”
    • The Lord of Fate: “This is insane. We’ve never had this much fatigue.”
60. 1:10:09 Thea rolls 4 (“at least you’re persistent”). She opens round six with more pizazz on the second try, rocketing out from behind the wall sprinkling pink pixie impish dust. Lord: “Six out of ten.”

Round 6

61. 1:11:32 Tormiir slashes twice with the onyx sword, both power-ups, and both hit.
    • “I came here to drink milk and kill old ladies and I’m all out of milk.”
    • Granny: “Oh, don’t you worry, dearie. I’ll be just fine. I’ve come back from worse than this.”
    • Lord of Fate: “it would behoove you to give up now.” Tormiir: “Take that pun and shove it… I like you too, granny. I’ll fucking kill you, but I like you.” Granny: “Maybe in the afterlife we can get a cup of tea sometime.”
62. 1:13:06 Thea: “Do you put milk in your tea?” Tormiir to the crowd: “Who put milk in your tea? You’re sick!” Granny: “I didn’t realize this match was going to be a proponent for veganism.” Tormiir: “I love cheese and milk. Like, I’m a bastard… This is just for me.”
63. 1:13:57 — Raisin cookie. “I don’t think you deserve my chewy chocolate chip cookies.” She throws a raisin cookie “with just the hardest raisins you’ve ever eaten” like a frisbee to crack his teeth. It misses (“these dice are rigged”).
64. 1:14:41 — The mixing bowl. With her last power-up, she drops him into a giant mixing bowl, spins him around, dumps him on the floor, and kneads him with the rolling pin like dough. It hits. Tormiir’s counter is a tie, and both take fatigue.
65. 1:16:19 — Granny’s Cookies again. She jumps on top of the rolling pin and runs on it to flatten him. Another tie.
    • Both champions are at three fatigue. Granny has 8 fighting spirit, Tormiir 9.
66. 1:17:25 Thea rolls a natural 20 on the round-end die: “I’m so good at this! I should be fighting!” It triggers a chaotic event.

Chaos event — the favorite food (1:18:05)

67. Tormiir rolls a 12. “A delectable aroma fills your nostrils… your favorite frickin’ food.” Roll to resist temptation.
    • Tormiir’s favorite: milk is a drink, so instead it’s “a beautiful plain… delicious fresh grasses after a nice rain… a morning grass… The petrichor.” Granny: “If you eat grass, absolutely.”
    • Granny’s favorite: her great-grandma’s bread and butter pudding, which “I always tried to make… I could never get it quite right.”
    • Tormiir: “Please just say it like three more times… I don’t even care if I die anymore.” Granny explains it’s baked with old bread, milk, cream and butter. Tormiir: “So it’s a bread pudding, but even more terrible for you… That does sound British.”
68. 1:20:36 DC 15 mettle save. Both fail. Each takes 2 damage and a fatigue. Granny rolled a natural 1, so she takes a third point and her fifth fatigue. She dies.
69. 1:21:51 — Granny’s last words. Thea asks what Granny feels as she goes. “I’ve had a pretty good run… these bones are pretty tight… I’m so happy I get to taste my great grandma’s bread and butter pudding again. And I’m gonna see Gerald… I want all of you to take care of yourselves and remember to always eat a cookie and life is what you bake it.”
70. 1:22:40 — Killed by a pun. Tormiir: “Can I double tap her after that sentence?” Thea grants Granny one final roll “just for flavor”: “Life is what you bake it.” Granny rolls 17. Tormiir rolls a natural 1 on defense, which gives him a fifth fatigue. He dies too. “Because of a pun? I am dead?” Thea: “Granny’s killing him from the grave.”
71. 1:24:12 — Tormiir’s death.
    • He leans down and kisses Granny’s wrinkly forehead as she falls, and discovers he has a gluten allergy. His orifices swell shut; celiac disease kicks in and his body “begins to tear himself from the inside.”
    • Rage and sadness float through his mind as he reaches for the dew-dripped field he never gets to eat. His final thought: “Bread and butter pudding.”
    • He falls beside Granny in “an accidental spoon… no one wants to die alone. So they die together.” “We are gonna have tea in the afterlife.”
    • He grew to love her halfway through the fight. He keeps dying again: “I utter my last words. Thank you,” then “Mama, we’re gonna need milk for our tea.” Thea: “How many times are you gonna fall down dead?” “I’m a dramatic bitch.”
72. 1:26:29 — Five stars. The Lord of Fate: “Well, that was a good job.” Thea points to the star on her forehead: “This punderdome earns five stars.” He draws four more stars on her forehead with his pen.
    • She zips around the coliseum and pours tuna juice on everyone, creating “almost a cyclone.”
    • Lord of Fate: “I outlawed tuna juice… It’s illegal!” Someone yells “Donut juice for everyone!” (speaker uncertain).
    • Sign-off: “Acolytes, I hope you were entertained by this duel death this evening. Welcome, and good night, to D20 Deathmatch!”

Full Dried Blood notes (click to expand)

In-character (canon, Dried Blood):

• Thea asks Granny whether she imagined her final words would have such an impact. Granny: “you like to think you leave your mark on this world and I’m just glad a little bit of me could be left behind for others to enjoy and remember.” Thea: it wasn’t a cookie recipe or the rolling pin passed to her grandchildren, “but instead it was a killing blow.”
• Tormiir’s orifices: “All 27.” He lists them:
  • two eyes, two ears, two nostrils, a mouth;
  • “every intricacy of all the piercings”;
  • the back end;
  • “rare rib piercings that go straight deep into the lungs,” with an orifice on either side of every gap between his ribs.
• Tormiir’s accent “is decidedly Scottish… We’re just leaning into it now.”
• Celiac, not lactose: “Celiac is more about wheat, barley, rye, and spelt, not milk… I can still drink milk. My mother was just out for the evening.… everyone was suckling on my mother.”
• The recovery room: both champions are revived and replenished, with cuts and bruises healing.
  • Granny’s side: mages massage her tendons to rejuvenate her. She asks whether they could “take a few more decades off.”
  • Tormiir’s side: a Wagyu-farmer trainer squirts milk into his mouth from a Gatorade bottle and massages him to classical music.
• Plans for next time:
  • Granny: “I’m a whisk taker… next time I gotta make sure I take care of myself… I should have had a nap.”
  • Tormiir: “I’ve learned to not fall in love with the elderly opponent very early in the match.” Lord of Fate: “Rookie mistake.”
• Final words:
  • Granny: “if in doubt, bake it till you make it.”
  • “My Nana would be proud that I’m spreading her bread and butter pudding everywhere” (in character or not is unclear).

Out-of-character (creator notes):

• Cucumber thought from the start he’d die of fatigue because he forgot about power-ups; “thank God for that wonderful water break.”
• The Granny player: “those dice were rigged… so many 10s”; she felt confident until fatigue caught up “in such a lovely narrative moment.”
• Mudcat: with brand-new characters, “You guys really told a whole fucking arc.”
• Cucumber has played Tormiir in D&D before and had more fun with him here.
• Tormiir’s player’s closing message, “separate from anything we’re doing tonight”: “You never know what anybody’s going through. Be kind.” Caustic Phoenix echoes it.