S4E4 — Death Dealers — The Scourge v Bone Daddy

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Two sleeveless showmen with one very specific grudge met in the Void: The Scourge, a righteous aasimar who fought as a giant snake, and Bone Daddy, a necromancer who called his skeletons his children. The fight had steel chairs swung from the stands, a fistful of state quarters fed to The Box of Chaos, a skeleton mech and a sudden cold snap that shrank everyone. It ended as a wrestling-style grudge match that somehow became a tearjerker, when the skeleton Darcy carried her father off the edge of the platform into the void.

The Story

Paint, Socks and Promises

The Acolytes made their way down into The Dread Fortress, through spurts of volcano and lava, “the heat melting your skins off.” Along the hallways, chains clanging and a snarky look on her face, the Grandmaster charged into the throne room. There she found The Shadow King leading a painting class for a horde of small goblins. The easels held watercolors in greens and blues, but every goblin had used only red.

The Shadow King asked for her opinion, explaining that he had “been known to dabble.” Kevin had covered his canvas in plain red. Theodore had painted a beautiful, detailed watercolor skeleton. The Grandmaster had to admit the Shadow King had done a pretty good job. Then came the catch: “Fun fact, the paint is made of blood.” Whose blood was “not important,” but a line of chinchillas stood nearby, the ones who had been donating it. “No chinchillas were harmed in this. I hope,” said the Grandmaster. “Yet,” said the Shadow King.

He had also forgotten the Deathmatch, even though she had put it on his calendar and it “happens the same time every single Sunday.” She asked him to promise not to kill the winner this time. He wouldn’t: “I would like to tell you I could promise that, but I can’t.” When she complained that good champions are hard to find “when they’re all going to die at the end,” he answered, “Obviously, if they’re dead, they’re not very good, are they?” She noticed he was barefoot, snapped her fingers, and a goblin brought him fuzzy pink spa socks with green polka dots. He was delighted. Then she clenched her sharp amulet until blood poured down her arm, a portal opened, and two champions stepped through.

Two Men, No Sleeves

The Scourge arrived “from parts unknown” to “put right what the Bone Daddy has put wrong.” His first complaint was about fashion: going sleeveless was his gimmick, and Bone Daddy had stolen it. His second was moral. Bone Daddy was a “no good necromancer digging up people’s pets and their grandmas” to fight for him. The Shadow King called him “maybe the best champion you’ve brought so far,” which offended the Scourge because of the “maybe.”

Bone Daddy stood six foot seven, with dark hair and “the amount of charisma to fill a pool of your blood.” He had a bone to pick, and a trap ready: once he won, the Scourge would have to admit Bone Daddy was better, “and when you do that, you’re a loser, and if you don’t, you’re a liar.” He finished with “You’re a dingus,” and the Scourge demanded the match start immediately. The Grandmaster pushed them apart with her very buff arms.

Before they went, the Scourge raised a polite hand to ask about the chinchillas. They were an employee perk, the Grandmaster explained: every goblin on staff got health insurance, pet insurance and a chinchilla for their mental health. The Shadow King added that “the chinchillas have their own union, so we’re very pro-union here.” The Scourge asked to join the payroll. “We’ll see if you’re worthy first.” Bone Daddy announced he would add his prize chinchilla to his undead army, and the Grandmaster mentioned that they came with tiny armor and rapiers, and took fencing classes. A second bloody portal opened. “Age before beauty, Bone Daddy,” said the Scourge, and then walked through first.

Into the Arm-Fight Dungeon

The arena was a dark, cavernous dungeon built for arm fights, which, the Grandmaster clarified, are not arm wrestling: “we actually just find random arms from previous deathmatches and then we slap each other till someone dies.” Bodies and arms lay strewn about, a waterfall dripped down the rough walls, and a little ale station sat high above. Thousands of Acolytes floated overhead. Children waved banners, and mothers sipped Slurpees. The Grandmaster gave her one command, “Should you fail, you may not leave,” and flew up to her throne, which had “a tiny little cushion where a dog once slept.”

The Scourge moved first, and he began with a lecture for the fathers in the stands: “a real dad’s not a babysitter.”

Bone Daddy’s Children

The Scourge summoned two Quetzalcoatlus, jet black with white accents (“just like me”), and named them Hammer and Anvil, “so we can break this guy down between us.” Then he transformed into a giant constrictor snake. “We’re truly wilding it up in here,” said the Grandmaster.

Bone Daddy explained that his name came from more than “my proclivities in the bedroom and in the dungeon.” The arena was “a nursery for me,” he said. “Would you like to see my children?” The Scourge apologized for falling asleep during the monologue. Bone Daddy then raised a squad of skeletons (“Oops, all skeletons”), and the rousing speech earned him one extra. He named them Dabby, Dibby, Doobie, Gabi, Dobby, Dino and Darcy. The Grandmaster remembered only Darcy: a few strands of blonde hair, one green eye, and the sense of a small smile despite having no lips.

The Scourge, meanwhile, admitted that “the Bone Daddy is a very attractive man that fills the Scourge with some uncomfortable emotions. I can admit it, I’m man enough to say it.” The first skeleton fumbled badly. “Gabi, you’re fired.” The rest carved into the snake, and Bone Daddy gave a nervous Dobby a shoulder rub. Hammer and Anvil swooped in and both missed, though the Scourge suggested their beating wings might have knocked a skull or two loose. Watching the snake, the Shadow King mused that if it died, he could use a new pair of shoes.

Chairs from Above

Bone Daddy had drawn first blood, so he got to flip the coin. He called heads “in memory of the skeletons who had their heads knocked off.” The Shadow King took Bone Daddy and the Grandmaster took the Scourge. Giant spectral shadow wings flared from the Shadow King’s back, and he folded up a metal chair, dove, and smashed Bone Daddy across the face. He then did a lap of the stands, taking Commodore Scrib’s head “right off the shoulders” and popping off Edo’s. The Grandmaster followed with a falcon dive from the railing, and the chair bent around the Scourge’s “rather strong head.” Little cartoon birds circled him. “Hey, those aren’t the birds I intended to summon.” The Shadow King was enjoying himself: “I think I’m getting the hang of this, Elusia.”

What’s in the Box?

The Acolytes rewarded both champions for surviving the chairs. Then the Box of Chaos fell like a comet, a chest wreathed in pink and yellow flame. It needed a soul, so the Shadow King lifted an Acolyte named great to be a Gator with a shadowy hand and wrung him out like a wet rag until his soul, blood “and other stuff” oozed into the box.

“As that great thespian bard Brad Pitt once said, what’s in the box?” asked the Scourge. He paid by PayPal, with Bone Daddy’s head as the tip. “Just the tip though,” said the Shadow King. “Just the tip of his head,” said the Scourge. Out floated a chronometer, a tiny hourglass of golden sand that reminded him of “my own sainted mother watching over the Scourge.” He used it at once to slow time. He blazed with searing divine light, a radiance that burned everything near him. “Your bones were cracked and now you’re a glow stick,” the Grandmaster summed up. He missed his strike but healed himself, and his light scorched the skeletons.

Bone Daddy answered by claiming the Scourge’s mother had learned “both reasons why I’m called the Bone Daddy.” Then his skeletons climbed onto one another’s shoulders, and Darcy elbow-dropped from the top, fusing all of them into one giant skeleton. “It is not biologically correct in any way whatsoever,” said the Grandmaster. The giant, now simply Darcy, gutted the snake, and grasping skeletal hands burst from the ground to drain it. The Scourge’s divine nature shrugged most of that off.

Bone Daddy then opened the box, and a shadowy figure with yellow eyes and long pointy fingers crawled out. He offered it his complete collection of state quarters, all 50: “Throw it a Wyoming and you got a deal.” He received an amulet of health, a bleached skull pendant bleeding red down to his navel. He gave a little gyration, and the Scourge was hypnotized by “the Bone Daddy’s bone.” The Scourge’s air force made up for it. Hammer clanged home, and Anvil plunged from the rafters with the spotlight behind her for a devastating strike. “Daddy loves you both,” the Scourge told them.

Shrinkage and the Hexadome

After the break the Grandmaster declared round four, skipping three entirely. The Shadow King counted it out and accepted it: “Fuck, round number four!” Bone Daddy taunted the Scourge that he had “luscious locks” and the Scourge didn’t. The Scourge told him to “go wildshaping to something furry and teabag your gravestone” when this was all over. The Scourge missed again, and his radiance burned even his own angelic flesh. Then Bone Daddy called on his favorite child: “All right, Darcy, it’s time to open up.” Her ribs swung open and he climbed inside to wear her like a mech. “You’re a skeleton wearing a meat suit, wearing a skeleton, fine.” He withered the snake and both birds with necrotic magic, and Darcy charged him into their midst.

Then tragedy struck. Darcy tried to plunge her sword into the Scourge’s back, fumbled with the wrong end, and stabbed out her own only good eye. “Oh, Darce. I believed in you,” said the Grandmaster. The Scourge put the knife in further: “She’s starting to understand all those birthday parties and ballet receptions that you missed.” Bone Daddy was crushed: “I’m sorry I failed you, Darcy.”

Next a cold wind swept through, goosebumps rose, and “some shrinkage” began to occur: everything shrank by one size, and everyone’s voices went up in pitch. “Look, it’s not always like this. I’m just tired, okay?” said the Scourge, who also cited the voice modulation clause in his contract. “The snake is usually much larger. Much, much larger.” The Grandmaster sent Thomas the Goblin off with his hammer to bang on the heater. While Bone Daddy was flanked, Hammer and Anvil both connected. When everyone grew back, the Shadow King split the floor open to reveal wooden planks floating on water under a stinging, electric ethereal dome: “Let me introduce you to the Hexadome.”

A Warrior’s Death

The Scourge promised Bone Daddy “a warrior’s death.” He finally landed a hit, and Bone Daddy remembered his magical shield too late. The Scourge wrapped his coils around him and unleashed the full fury of the Scourge in a divine smite. “If only the Bone Daddy used protection,” said the Grandmaster. The Scourge whispered, “Why wouldn’t you let me love you, Bone Daddy? Why didn’t you love me back?”

Bone Daddy fell from Darcy’s chest. “Darcy, my girl. Take your daddy for one last ride.” She lifted him in her arms and carried him “the way that he never carried her.” He touched her face and asked her forgiveness, and a single tear fell from her void eye. “Let’s go out the way we always wanted, eh?” Darcy nodded, walked to the edge of the platform, and stepped off into the void below. The Acolytes wept as the top of her skull sank out of sight. “You should all fly your Bone Daddy flags with pride!” cried the Scourge.

A Piece of Bone Daddy

The Shadow King appeared beside the victor. The Scourge explained that “love is a complicated emotion,” and the Shadow King replied, “Yes, well, I’ve experienced that myself.” The Scourge vowed to raise Bone Daddy statues in every graveyard to the horizon. The Shadow King said a winner shouldn’t leave empty-handed, and confirmed that yes, he was about to do some ironic torment. He pulled a bone from a corpse and rammed it, along with his whole arm, down the Scourge’s throat, ripping through his mouth and throat into his chest. “There! Now a piece of Bone Daddy can be with you forever.”

Dried Blood

In the after-show, the Scourge shared a lesson: “The Scourge has cried a thousand times and will cry a thousand more. Real warriors know how to admit how they feel, even and especially when it’s strange and confusing.” Bone Daddy left with the warning “if the bones are rocking, he best not come knocking.”

Notable Moments

• The Shadow King taught goblins watercolors using paint made from chinchilla blood, then got a pair of polka-dot spa socks.
• Both hosts dove from the stands with steel chairs, and the Shadow King beheaded two Acolytes afterward.
• Bone Daddy paid the Box of Chaos with all 50 state quarters, two Wyomings included.
• Six skeletons fused into one giant Darcy, and Bone Daddy then wore her as a mech.
• Darcy stabbed out her own only good eye with the wrong end of her sword.
• Darcy carried her dying father off the Hexadome into the void, shedding a single tear.

Memorable Quotes

• The Shadow King: “Obviously, if they’re dead, they’re not very good, are they?”
• Bone Daddy: “And when you do that, you’re a loser, and if you don’t, you’re a liar.”
• The Scourge: “As that great thespian bard Brad Pitt once said, what’s in the box?”
• Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer: “So let me just get this straight. Your bones were cracked and now you’re a glow stick.”
• The Scourge: “You’re a skeleton wearing a meat suit, wearing a skeleton, fine.”
• The Scourge: “Why wouldn’t you let me love you, Bone Daddy? Why didn’t you love me back?”
• Bone Daddy: “Darcy girl, I’m sorry. I done you wrong. I never got to do you right. Will you forgive your Bone Daddy?”
• The Shadow King: “There! Now a piece of Bone Daddy can be with you forever.”

Who and What Appears

Characters

The Scourge (BDaveWalters)

• A Scourge aasimar, “blessed since he was a little aasimar with the presence of the divine.”
• His “sainted mother” watches over him; the golden-sand hourglass reminds him of her.
• Goes sleeveless and claims the no-sleeves look as his gimmick.
• Resistant to necrotic and radiant damage. His radiant glow burns even his own “angelic flesh.”
• In this episode he fought as a giant constrictor snake (wild shape) alongside Hammer and Anvil, two black-and-white Quetzalcoatlus he conjured. Anvil is called “her.”
• His followers carry his banner (“the Black Neathers [?]”).
• Wants a mental-health chinchilla and a spot on the payroll.
• Inferred to be bald (the “luscious locks” jab; Dried Blood wig and Yeti jokes).
• Has mixed feelings for Bone Daddy (“uncomfortable emotions,” “why didn’t you love me back”). Posts as “absolutely not the scourge 1469.”
• Won. He received the Box of Chaos chronometer, then had a bone rammed down his throat by the Shadow King.
• Vows Bone Daddy statues in every graveyard.

Bone Daddy (Johnny Stanton)

• A necromancer: 6’7”, dark hair, sleeveless, pale skin, “luscious locks.” Carries a whip.
• Raises skeleton “children” and calls the arena his nursery. Denies being an absentee father.
• Children: Dabby, Dibby, Doobie, Gabi/Gibby, Dobby, Dino, and Darcy, his favorite.
• Collected all 50 state quarters and fed them (two Wyomings included) to the Box of Chaos for an amulet of health with a bleeding skull pendant.
• Claims to have slept with the Scourge’s mother. Says he has cobbled before (speaker uncertain).
• Died: Darcy carried him off the Hexadome platform into the void below.

Darcy

• A skeleton with a few blonde hairs, one green eye and a lipless smile.
• She elbow-dropped through her siblings to form a giant skeleton, which became Bone Daddy’s bone mech.
• She stabbed out her own only good eye on a nat 1, wept a single tear from her “void eye,” and carried Bone Daddy to his death.

Hammer and Anvil: the Scourge’s conjured Quetzalcoatlus, jet black with white accents.

The Shadow King (Mudcat)

• Leads painting sessions for goblins using paint made from chinchilla blood. Was barefoot, and was given pink spa socks.
• Forgot the Sunday Deathmatch. Refuses to promise not to kill winners.
• Has giant spectral shadow wings. Hit Bone Daddy with a metal chair and beheaded Acolytes Commodore Scrib and Edo.
• Fuelled the Box of Chaos by wringing the soul out of the Acolyte great to be a Gator.
• Says he has experienced complicated love himself. Calls the Grandmaster “Elusia.”

Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer (Caustic Phoenix)

• Opens portals with the sharp amulet using her own blood. Has a throne cushion “where a dog once slept.”
• Dove on the Scourge with a chair.
• Ran the shrink event and sent Thomas the Goblin to fix the heater. Likes to be called benevolent.

Goblins of the Dread Fortress

• Kevin (painted only red), Theodore (painted a detailed watercolor skeleton) and Thomas the Goblin (has a hammer, sent to fix the heater).
• Goblin employees get health insurance, pet insurance and a mental-health chinchilla.

Chinchillas

• Donate blood for paint and have their own union.
• Inferred: they come with tiny armor and rapiers and take fencing classes.

Acolytes named this episode

• Commodore Scrib/Scrib and Edo: beheaded by chair.
• Cup of Tiefling: suggested as a target.
• great to be a Gator: sacrificed to the Box of Chaos.

The shadowy box figure: a dark creature with yellow eyes and long pointy fingers that crawls out of the Box of Chaos and hands over items.

Places

• Throne room of the Dread Fortress: the site of the painting session.
• The arm-fight dungeon: dark and cavernous, with arms and bodies from previous Deathmatches, a waterfall, an ale drink station, and the Grandmaster’s throne among the floating stands.
• The Hexadome: planks floating over water under an electrified ethereal dome, with “the void below.”

Items

• The sharp amulet: opens portals with the Grandmaster’s blood.
• Box of Chaos: a chest that falls like a comet, burns with heatless pink and yellow flames, and needs a soul to fuel it. It takes any sacrifice, including PayPal.
• The chronometer: a hourglass of golden sand with one charge to slow time or warn from the future. The Scourge used it.
• Amulet of health: a bleached skull pendant that bleeds red. Bone Daddy’s.
• Metal chairs.
• The pink-with-green-polka-dot spa socks.
• The blood watercolors.

Lore statements

• Deathmatches happen “the same time every single Sunday.”
• In the arm fights, random arms from previous Deathmatches are used to slap each other until someone dies.
• The Box of Chaos must be fuelled with a soul (here, an Acolyte’s) and will accept anything as a sacrifice.
• The Shadow King has killed winners before (“Last time…”, 0:08:32).

Full Round-by-Round

Every beat of the episode, with timestamps (click to expand)

Opening — the throne room of the Dread Fortress

1. 0:06:16 Caustic Phoenix’s narration welcomes the Acolytes to the Dread Fortress. They make their way down “through the spurts of volcano and lava, the heat melting your skins off.” Down the hallways, “chains clanging, a snarky look on her face,” the Grandmaster charges through and bursts into the throne room.
2. 0:06:50 — The painting session. She finds the Shadow King leading a painting session for a horde of small goblins. An easel is set up with watercolors in greens and blues, but the only color anyone has used is red.
3. 0:07:14 The Shadow King: “Elusia, come here. Come tell me what you think of this painting.” He says he has “been known to dabble” and thought he would instruct the goblins in the craft.
4. 0:07:28 The Grandmaster looks around. Kevin has only put red on his canvas (transcript: “Kevin has just read on there”). Theodore has painted a beautiful, detailed watercolor skeleton. She admits the Shadow King has “actually done a pretty good job” teaching them.
5. 0:07:42 — The blood paint. Shadow King: “Fun fact, the paint is made of blood.” “Whose blood?” “That’s not important.” She looks over and sees a line of chinchillas that have been donating blood. “None of them were killed. No chinchillas were harmed in this. I hope.” The Shadow King adds: “Yet.”
6. 0:08:18 — He forgot the Deathmatch. The Grandmaster had put it on his calendar: “It happens the same time every single Sunday.” He says he is “still learning.”
7. 0:08:32 — Don’t kill the winner. She asks him to promise this time that he won’t kill the winner (she says “Last time…”). He refuses: “I would like to tell you I could promise that, but I can’t.” She complains that it’s hard to find good champions “when they’re all going to die at the end.” He answers: “Obviously, if they’re dead, they’re not very good, are they?”
8. 0:08:51 — The socks. She asks whether he is even wearing socks. The Shadow King is barefoot. She snaps her fingers, and a goblin brings him fuzzy pink spa socks with green polka dots. “Oh, those look comfy. Thank you.”
9. 0:09:15 — The portal. A goblin brings up the sharp amulet. She clenches it in her fist, and blood pours down her arm as it opens a portal. Two champions walk through: “I give you The Scourge versus Bone Daddy.”

Introductions

10. 0:09:44 — The Scourge. “Oh, you call my name, beckoning me forth from parts unknown. I have come to do justice, to put right what the Bone Daddy has put wrong. The Scourge awakens.”
11. 0:10:17 He objects that “everybody knows the no-sleeves thing is the Scourge’s thing,” and Bone Daddy is stealing his gimmick. He is a Scourge aasimar (“literally born”). He condemns Bone Daddy as a “no good necromancer digging up people’s pets and their grandmas, bringing them here to serve and combat. It’s not right.”
12. 0:11:03 The Shadow King: “this is maybe the best champion you’ve brought so far.” Scourge: “What do you mean, maybe?”
13. 0:11:10 — Bone Daddy. He is six foot seven, with dark hair and “the amount of charisma to fill a pool of your blood.” He tells the Scourge: “I’ve got a bone to pick with you.” He says the town is “only big enough for one no-sleeves wearer, minus the Grandmaster and the King.” When he wins, the Scourge will have to tell everyone that Bone Daddy is better: “And when you do that, you’re a loser, and if you don’t, you’re a liar.”
14. 0:12:31 Scourge: “Not even gonna dignify that with a response beyond the response I just dignified it with.” Bone Daddy: “You’re a dingus and you don’t belong in the same ring as me.” The Scourge erupts (“A dingus! Start the match!”).
15. 0:12:55 The Grandmaster steps between them and pushes them apart with “her very buff arms.” “This is my home. This is the fortress. We’re going to take you to someplace where you can truly spill blood.”
16. 0:13:15 — The chinchillas. The Scourge raises his hand because the Grandmaster requires it, then asks: “What’s the deal with the chinchillas?”
    • The Grandmaster explains they are an employee perk. Every goblin who works there gets health insurance, pet insurance, and a pet chinchilla for their mental health.
    • The Shadow King: “the chinchillas have their own union, so we’re very pro-union here.”
    • The Scourge asks whether he could come on the payroll afterward, because he “would also enjoy a mental health chinchilla.” The Grandmaster: “We’ll see if you’re worthy first.”
17. 0:14:13 Bone Daddy’s final words: when he gets his “winning tin shell” (probably “chinchilla”), “I’m gonna add him to my army, my army of undead.” The Grandmaster: “Bonus, they do come with armor. It’s absolutely adorable and tiny rapiers. They go through fencing classes.” The armor and rapiers inferably belong to the chinchillas, from this exchange.
18. 0:14:34 She clenches the amulet in her left hand, and both her forearms are now covered in blood. A second portal opens. Scourge: “Age before beauty, Bone Daddy.” He then walks through first anyway: “I suppose I walked into that like I’m gonna walk into this portal.”

The arena

19. 0:15:12 The audience screams.
    • Thousands of Acolytes float ethereally high above, calling for blood and glory.
    • Small children wave little banners, mothers drink their Slurpees, and fathers watch the kids (“they’re great babysitters”).
20. 0:15:50 — Arm fights. “A very dark dungeon where we have arm fights. You would think it’d be arm wrestling, but we actually just find random arms from previous deathmatches and then we slap each other till someone dies.”
    • Blood, arms and bodies are tossed aside around the cavern.
    • A waterfall drips “against the rough textures of this concrete.”
    • High above sits a small drink station full of ale.
21. 0:16:40 The Grandmaster’s one task: “kill the other and put on the greatest show we’ve ever seen here. Should you fail, you may not leave.” She flies up to her throne among the Acolytes, which has “a tiny little cushion where a dog once slept.”
22. 0:17:14 The Shadow King: “now that the fanfare’s done, I suppose we should get to the killing each other part.” The Scourge wins initiative.
23. 0:17:49 The Scourge addresses the crowd: “a real dad’s not a babysitter. You’re not watching them, you’re raising your kids.” He says the ones “carrying the Scourge’s banner, the Black Neathers [?]” are about to be uplifted. The children of fathers cheering “this absentee father” are about to be disappointed.

Round 1

24. 0:18:39 — Hammer and Anvil. The Scourge casts Conjure Animals and summons two Quetzalcoatlus. They “don’t look like normal Quetzalcoatlus.” They have jet black skin with white accents, “just like me.”
25. 0:19:23 He wild shapes into a giant constrictor snake. The Grandmaster: “We’re truly wilding it up in here.” Every being in the arena must be named, so he names the birds “The Hammer and the Anvil, so we can break this guy down between us.”
26. 0:19:45 He moves toward Bone Daddy without attacking: “I want the Bone Daddy! Gaze upon what lay before him.” The birds get their own initiative and will act at the end of the round.
27. 0:21:31 — Why he’s called Bone Daddy. Bone Daddy says the fathers in the audience are rooting for him, not “someone named Scourge, if that is your real name.”
    • He is called Bone Daddy “not just for my proclivities in the bedroom and in the dungeon.”
    • He calls the arena “a nursery for me. This is where I would raise my children. Would you like to see my children?”
28. 0:22:56 Scourge: “I must apologize, Bone Daddy. I fell asleep in the middle of that long, boring monologue.”
29. 0:23:08 — The children. Bone Daddy casts Danse Macabre, choosing skeletons (“Of course, I’m the Bone Daddy, obviously”; “Oops, all skeletons”).
    • The Grandmaster loves that “your name aligns with being the raising of the bones on many levels.” Bone Daddy: “Every imaginable level.”
    • For the rousing speech she grants a d4 for extra skeletons, and he raises one more: “he doesn’t even need a blue potion to raise bones.”
    • The Scourge: “The Bone Daddy is a very attractive man that fills the Scourge with some uncomfortable emotions. I can admit it, I’m man enough to say it.” The Grandmaster: many fathers in the stands “feel differently right now.”
30. 0:24:56 — The children’s names. “Dabby, Dibby, Dabby, Doobie, and Darcy,” then the sixth, Dino. Later in the turn he also calls them Gabi/Gibby and Dobby (see Spelling). The Grandmaster: “Beautiful names that I will not remember… I got Darcy.”
31. 0:26:17 — Darcy. The Grandmaster asks chat for love for Darcy, the final skeleton. She has a few strands of blonde hair and one green eye still in her skull, “lucky to have anything honestly organic on her.” “Even though she doesn’t have lips, you do get a sense of a small smile.”
32. 0:27:01 The skeletons carry short swords (“Nothing but short bones”).
    • The first skeleton rolls a nat 1. Scourge: “See, they don’t want any part of the Scourge!” Bone Daddy: “Gabi, you’re fired.”
    • Several skeletons then hit the snake, including a glancing blow and a hit by Dino, for 14 damage.
33. 0:29:19 Bone Daddy raises his arms to the crowd: “This is what you want to see from the bone daddy connecting with his children.” The Acolytes throw devil horns as the skeletons “slice and dice towards this anaconda.”
34. 0:30:27 — The massage. Bone Daddy gets behind Dobby, the one who missed, and rubs where his shoulders would be: “You got this, Dobby. The first time, it’s okay… You get a little nervous in front of the crowd.” The Grandmaster: “Are you massaging Bone?” The Scourge holds concentration on his summons.
35. 0:30:57 Scourge: “Is that it for your pitiful first round?” Bone Daddy: “Nice little hot start here.”
36. 0:31:35 — The birds’ flyby. Hammer and Anvil make flyby attacks and both miss.
    • Bone Daddy lashes out with his whip, but “they scurry off like the little cowards they are.”
    • For a performance roll, the Scourge describes the scene: the roof is low, and the spectral audience throws off the birds’ perspective. They beat their wings, shriek and caw, and “actually might have knocked the head off of one or two skeletons.”
    • Bone Daddy: “I don’t take too kindly to that.” Scourge: “I don’t take too kindly to what they just did to my glorious snake hide.” Bone Daddy finds it “a little bit weird seeing this voice come out of a snake.”
37. 0:33:29 — Snakeskin shoes. The Shadow King: “[E]lusia, you know, if that one dies, I could use a new pair of shoes.” Bone Daddy offers to make boots from the snake. A cobbler riff follows: “I’ve been known to cobble once or twice in my past… oh we got a cobbler here, put him on the payroll… cobbler the goblin” (speakers uncertain). The Grandmaster: “You can’t play favorites like that.”

Chaos event — the metal chairs (0:34:09)

38. Bone Daddy drew first blood, so he flips the coin: heads is the Shadow King, tails the Grandmaster. He calls heads “in memory of the skeletons who had their heads knocked off.” The Shadow King gets Bone Daddy, and the Grandmaster gets the Scourge.
39. 0:35:11 — The Shadow King’s dive.
    • He stands, cracks his back, and giant spectral shadow wings flare out from his back, blotting out the light behind him. Bone Daddy: “Can we talk this out?” Scourge: “does that mean this just became a tag team match?”
    • He folds up his chair, dives, and whacks Bone Daddy across the face.
    • He then soars around the audience smacking heads. He takes the head off Commodore Scrib “right off the shoulders.” The Grandmaster: “You’ve picked on Scrib a lot. Why don’t you just take out Cup of Tiefling?” He rips another Acolyte’s head off: “Edo’s head pops off!”
    • Bone Daddy holds concentration.
40. 0:37:04 — The Grandmaster’s dive.
    • She balances on the railing. The Scourge “did not consent to this, but fine.”
    • She dives “like a falcon,” and the chair comes down on the Scourge’s head and bends around it (“you do have a rather strong head”). The Scourge rolls to disbelieve.
    • Tiny Tweety birds circle his head. Scourge: “Hey, those aren’t the birds I intended to summon.”
41. 0:38:27 Shadow King: “I think I’m getting the hang of this, Elusia. That was fun. I see why you like this.” Grandmaster: “Right? It’s actually very exciting.” Both champions took 9.

Round 2 — the Box of Chaos

42. 0:39:41 — Hero points. The Acolytes loved how both took the chairs and are still standing, so each champion gets a hero point (“plus ultra, if you will, go super Saiyan”). “Use it before you die or we will be angry at you.”
43. 0:40:20 — The box lands. It falls like a comet: a chest wreathed in pink and yellow flames that leaves a small crater.
44. 0:40:34 — The Shadow King explains the Box of Chaos. “It demands a sacrifice at your leisure. You can give it anything… It’s not picky. But in return, it will give you a magic item.”
45. 0:41:00 — Fuelling the box. “It’s going to need a soul to fuel it.”
    • He locks eyes with the Acolyte great to be a Gator, picks him up with a shadowy ethereal hand, and wrings him like a wet wash rag with a second hand.
    • “All of his black soul… and blood and other stuff” oozes into the box. The lid flips closed and fire shoots out the sides: “There! It’s ready.”
46. 0:41:40 — The Scourge’s payment. “As that great thespian bard Brad Pitt once said, what’s in the box?”
    • The DMs riff on payment methods: “Cryptocurrency?”, “It takes Venmo,” “It has PayPal,” “It’s got Zelle.”
    • The Scourge pays with PayPal, plus Bone Daddy’s head when this is all over: “Cash up front with the tip on the end.” Shadow King: “Just the tip though.” Scourge: “Just the tip of his head.”
47. 0:42:57 — The chronometer.
    • Pink and yellow fire shoots up past the Acolytes, and a stopwatch floats out.
    • The Scourge describes it as a tiny hourglass filled with golden sand: “which reminds me of my own sainted mother watching over the Scourge.” He has been “blessed since he was a little aasimar with the presence of the divine.”
    • It has one charge: roll a d6 to either slow time (an extra action and double speed) or see a warning from his future self (a reroll).
48. 0:44:32 “The Scourge sees no drawbacks and activates the watch immediately.” He slows time and gets two actions. “I don’t need to save it if he’s already dead.”
    • Bone Daddy: “He doesn’t count that high very often.” Scourge: “I don’t have fingers to count on currently, all right?” Bone Daddy: “You just got one tail.”
49. 0:45:23 The Scourge lists his grievances: “Bone Daddy has attacked me with his own absentee children. I see where they were. They were skeletons.” Bone Daddy: “Don’t you say absentee. I am no absentee daddy.” The Scourge adds: “accosted by a steel chair.”
50. 0:45:58 — The glow. “Now, the true power of the Scourge will be revealed.” He activates Radiant Consumption and glows with searing light that burns everything within 10 ft each turn. The Grandmaster: “So let me just get this straight. Your bones were cracked and now you’re a glow stick.”
51. 0:47:07 He strikes at Bone Daddy and misses: “I just wanted you to know what’s coming for you when you see these fangs.” He heals himself (15), and his radiance burns the skeletons. Hammer and Anvil are out of range.
52. 0:48:45 — The mom joke. Bone Daddy: “you brought up your mother and I just want to say, rest her soul, but she did get to learn both reasons why I’m called the Bone Daddy.” Scourge: “You said you weren’t gonna repeat that story.”
53. 0:49:18 — The giant skeleton.
    • The skeletons climb up each other like a ladder onto each other’s shoulders. Darcy, on top, elbow-drops down through them, and all six amalgamate into one giant skeleton (“a giant godly skeleton”).
    • The Grandmaster allows it: “It is not biologically correct in any way whatsoever.” Bone Daddy: “Bone Daddy has no regard for anatomical correctness.” Scourge: “That is not where tibia or fibia goes, but fine.”
    • The amalgam is “human-esque,” and the Grandmaster asks that they not put flesh over it.
54. 0:51:05 The giant skeleton (the merged form is called “Darcy” from here on) hits the Scourge and slashes down the snake around its neck, “gutting it.”
55. 0:52:02 — Blight. Bone Daddy raises skeletal hands from the ground that wrap around the snake, and a necrotic surge saps its life. The Scourge saves, and “the divine nature of the Scourge gives me resistance to necrotic damage,” so only a quarter of the damage lands.
    • Bone Daddy (sarcastic): “It is the Bone Daddy’s one and only weakness, his necrotic resistance.”
    • Mudcat: “Come to the wrong place, Bone Daddy” (speaker uncertain).
56. 0:54:17 Bone Daddy compliments the Shadow King’s artistic ability with the painting.
57. 0:54:46 — Bone Daddy’s offering.
    • When he opens the chest, a dark shadowy figure with yellow eyes and long pointy fingers crawls out of the lid.
    • He offers his complete collection of state quarters, “all 50.” He says Alaska was the hardest to get, being the newest.
    • Scourge: “Hopefully he’s got some antibiotics.” Bone Daddy: “Throw it a Wyoming and you got a deal. I got two Wyomings that got your name on it.” Grandmaster: “Those are collector’s items.”
58. 0:56:05 — The amulet of health. Pink and yellow flames rise, and from the shadowy creature’s hand floats an amulet of health (Constitution 19). Bone Daddy laments that he pushed his Constitution and “now it doesn’t seem to matter.”
    • He describes it: “a skull pendant, bleached white in the desert sun, with red bleeding out, bleeding onto Bone Daddy’s chest, going down to his navel,” and he gives a little gyration.
59. 0:57:24 — The gyration. “He’s trying to distract me with his gyrations.” The Shadow King calls a performance vs insight contest, which Bone Daddy wins. The Scourge is hypnotized by “the Bone Daddy’s bone” and has disadvantage on his next attack. The Scourge calls him “chaining tibia” (transcript: “He’s chaining tibia”).
60. 0:58:24 — The air force. “Sending in the air force.”
    • Hammer clangs a glancing hit “square, right on.”
    • Anvil “recalibrates, pulls her wings in, and hurdles from high atop the rafters, blinding you by the spotlight as she plunges down.” It’s a critical hit (likely the nat 20) and lands heavy damage.
    • Scourge: “Probably thought it was gonna be a work in the park to eliminate the Scourge.”
61. 1:00:37 Bone Daddy holds concentration: “My girl Darcy’s still with me. I love you, Darcy.” The Grandmaster: “Darcy winks back at you. The only child.”
62. 1:01:12 The Scourge to his birds: “Daddy loves you both. Thank you for making sure Team Scourge didn’t just get slapped around.” He apologizes for being hypnotized “by the undulating gyrations, but have you seen this man?” The Grandmaster: “This is why it matters who you surround yourself with.”
63. 1:01:59 Break: “think about what you’ve done tonight. Acolytes, we’ll see you after these commercials.”

After the break

64. 1:02:18 The Shadow King hosts: “Is he still down there? I can’t see him.” Scourge: “The Scourge is trying to clear his mind, all right?”
65. 1:02:51 Bone Daddy: “Bone Daddy is feeling like the despot of death, the dominator of the departed, the daddy of demise.”
66. 1:03:20 — The combat cuddle. The Scourge looks forward to “a little bit of a combat cuddle with the Bone Daddy.” The exchange then turns into “You’re banned in this jurisdiction! Shield your eyes, there are children here!” (speakers mixed). The children are “having an awakening, having gazed upon you.” Bone Daddy: “Gaze upon me, children.” Grandmaster: “They will fight this, years to come.”
67. 1:04:34 The Scourge: “Just pay no attention to all the comments from absolutely not the scourge 1469… That guy always posting is me.” The Grandmaster: “Just don’t find yourself on Reddit, everyone.”
68. 1:05:08 — Round “four.” The Grandmaster declares round number four, even though round three was never played. The Shadow King counts “One, two… Four,” and accepts it: “Fuck, round number four!” Scourge: “The Scourge doesn’t have fingers to count on, so sure.”
69. 1:05:40 Bone Daddy: “I know another thing that I have that Scourge doesn’t have, and that’s luscious locks.” Inferred from this jab and later Dried Blood jokes: the Scourge is bald. The Scourge: “you can’t mock what a person can’t change… Go wildshaping to something furry and teabag your gravestone when this is all over.” Grandmaster: “Let those fuzzy balls hop.”

Round “4”

70. 1:06:14 “Something fuzzy’s transforming inside of me, which is why I have disadvantage on this attack.” The Scourge misses, but his radiance burns again.
    • “The burning flames of the Scourge actually ignite even his own angelic flesh. Although I have resistance to radiant damage, I do burn.”
    • Bone Daddy is judged outside the 10-ft burn.
71. 1:07:46 Bone Daddy’s concentration roll turns into a nat 20 on an unneeded reroll. The Grandmaster rules that his next concentration check is an automatic save. Bone Daddy: “I am a fan of that, Grandmaster.” Grandmaster: “No, I like to hear that I’m benevolent, shut up.”
72. 1:08:58 — The Darcy mech. Bone Daddy spends his hero point: “All right, Darcy, it’s time to open up.” The rib bones open up on Darcy’s back and he hops in, wearing her like a mech, “protecting me with her lovely bone.”
    • Scourge: “You’re a skeleton wearing a meat suit, wearing a skeleton, fine.” Bone Daddy: “it’s the first time you’ve done something right all night.”
    • Darcy’s health is added to his. Scourge: “Bone Daddy’s chest deep in Darcy.”
73. 1:10:44 — Wither and Bloom. Bone Daddy quickens Wither and Bloom onto the Scourge, Hammer and Anvil: “a con saving throw from all three of you dinguses.” All three fail. The Grandmaster: “That’s what happens when you summon dinosaurs to a tiny arena.” His necrotic resistance softens it for the Scourge.
74. 1:12:02 Darcy runs Bone Daddy into the middle of them so he can heal from the bloom. A coin flip for an opportunity attack goes to the Scourge (he called tails), but he misses. The Grandmaster: “You’re moving to the butt of the snake.”
75. 1:14:29 — Darcy’s tragedy.
    • Bone Daddy has Darcy plunge her sword down the Scourge’s back. It’s a nat 1.
    • “Using the wrong end of the pointy sword, she crashes down, loses her balance, and stabs her own eye in the process. Her only good eye.”
    • She rolls to hit herself, hits, and rolls very high. Grandmaster: “Oh, Darce. I believed in you. We all believed in you.”
76. 1:15:47 Scourge: “See, she’s starting to understand all those birthday parties and ballet receptions that you missed before raising her from the sleep of the ages.” Bone Daddy: “I’m sorry I failed you, Darcy. I failed you.”

Chaos event — the shrinkage (1:16:25)

77. The arena turns cold, and a breeze chills them to the bone. Goosebumps rise, “and some shrinkage begins to occur.”
    • Scourge: “Look, it’s not always like this. I’m just tired, okay?”
    • Everyone and everything shrinks by one size. Darcy goes from huge to large (“Darcy doesn’t look so giant anymore”). Hits do less damage, and everyone’s voices go up in pitch for one round.
78. 1:17:47 Scourge: “I expressly had a new voice modulation clause in my contract.” The Grandmaster turns to Thomas the Goblin: “Can you just go knock on [the heater] a few times?” He grabs his hammer and runs off.
    • Bone Daddy: “you’re really hurting my reputation as Bone Daddy right now.”
    • Scourge: “The snake is usually much larger. Much, much larger.”
79. 1:18:24 Bone Daddy is now flanked between the birds. Both Hammer and Anvil hit (less hard, since they can’t fly as far). Scourge: “Please do hurt him, Hammer.” Bone Daddy holds concentration. Grandmaster: “The hair’s still good. All in place still.”
80. 1:20:27 The Grandmaster says the bad things happen “only because of our amazing acolytes… When they tip, when they sub.” Scourge: “You notice the Bone Daddy shows up and suddenly it’s all tips and subs.”

Chaos event — the Hexadome (1:21:13)

81. The Shadow King rolls a 3 (“Easy come, easy go”), and the Grandmaster shows him “how it’s done” with a 14. She lets him run his own event.
82. As everyone grows back to normal size, the Shadow King stands: “Let’s make this a little more, uh, comfortable, shall we?”
    • The floor separates, and below are planks of wood floating on water.
    • “Let me introduce you to the Hexadome”: an ethereal, almost electric dome forms over them and stings anyone who touches it.
    • “Close quarters combat here as we begin round number five.”

Round 5 — the kill

83. 1:22:11 Scourge: “the flame of judgment burning, echoing off the Scourge, will soon be your undoing. And yet I will do you the honor that you would not have done for me. I will bless you with a warrior’s death.”
84. 1:22:55 “Can I get one hit on this man sometime tonight?” With advantage from the flank, it hits. Bone Daddy, “for the first time tonight,” remembers shield, but too late to matter: “Some people are more concerned about their performance than the mechanics of the game.” Grandmaster: “putting on a good show is a big part of it. Make sure they’re all satisfied.”
85. 1:23:56 — The smite.
    • “As I constrict my coils around you in a grapple and pull you in close, you will witness the full fury of the Scourge as I unleash a level four smite.” The Scourge “was not able to unleash his divine fury until now.”
    • Grandmaster: “If only the Bone Daddy used protection.”
    • He whispers in Bone Daddy’s ear: “Why wouldn’t you let me love you, Bone Daddy? Why didn’t you love me back?”
    • His radiance adds to the damage.
86. 1:25:31 — The death of Bone Daddy.
    • Bone Daddy collapses to his knees and falls out of Darcy’s chest. “Darcy, my girl. Take your daddy for one last ride.”
    • Darcy drops to one knee and picks him up in her arms, “and carries him the way that he never carried her. He wasn’t there for her.”
    • He puts his hand to her face: “Darcy girl, I’m sorry. I done you wrong. I never got to do you right. Will you forgive your Bone Daddy?” A single tear drops from Darcy’s void eye.
    • “Let’s go out the way we always wanted, eh?” Darcy gives a slow nod, walks to the edge of the wooden platform and takes one final step off it into the void below. “As Bone Daddy is no more.”
87. 1:26:57 The Grandmaster: “A beautiful moment.” The crowd cries tears of sadness and heartbreak as the top of Darcy’s skull slowly sinks out of sight.
88. 1:27:16 Scourge: “Give it up for the Bone Daddy kids. You should all fly your Bone Daddy flags with pride!”

Aftermath — a piece of Bone Daddy

89. 1:27:27 The Shadow King poofs into the shadows and reappears beside the Scourge: “it seems you really cared for your opponent.” Scourge: “Love is a complicated emotion, okay? Dig it?” Shadow King: “Yes, well, I’ve experienced that myself.”
90. 1:27:59 The Scourge vows “that his story gets told far and wide and that there’s Bone Daddy statues in every cemetery, mausoleum, and graveyard from here to the horizon.”
91. 1:28:18 The Shadow King: “You are the winner, so I can’t… let you leave here empty-handed… let me help you remember him.” Scourge: “Are you about to do some ironic torment to The Scourge?” “Yes. Yes, I am.” The Scourge shifts back into his aasimar form (“ASMR form”).
92. 1:28:48 The Shadow King pulls a bone from a dead body lying somewhere in the arena. “Open up!” He slams it down the Scourge’s throat, ripping through his mouth and throat and shoving the bone and his whole arm down into his chest (“Ace Ventura style”). “There! Now a piece of Bone Daddy can be with you forever.” Whether the Scourge survives isn’t said. “Welcome, and good night, to D20 Deathmatch!”

Full Dried Blood notes (click to expand)

Out-of-character creator notes

• It was B. Dave’s first time on the show, and his first win. He expected to miss “100% of things.”
• Johnny: “you’re lucky I forgot to use shield,” and the Hammer natural 20 “really did it.” He built a Necromancer wizard (low HP) against a Moon Druid.
• Caustic Phoenix loved the skeleton mech: “every necro is now thinking like, why haven’t I done that?”
• Johnny’s favorite past character was a lizardfolk armorer artificer who built armor from bones, with a dragon skull around his head.
• B. Dave’s favorite moment: “I got called chaining tibia” (from chat) after the hip undulations.
• Mudcat: both players went “full in on the WWE, WWF archetypes,” unlike earlier Ric Flair-style guests.
  • B. Dave: “the macho man with the Undertaker’s gimmick.”
  • Johnny went for a “fun heel”; both played “attitude era.”
  • B. Dave found it hard to raise his voice an octave for the shrink event.
• Johnny points out Bone Daddy’s whip in his art.
• Caustic Phoenix floats a rematch “next year.” B. Dave: “I’ll show up with a wig on next time. Voluptuous locks.” Caustic Phoenix: “You’re a Yeti at this point.”

In character (Dried Blood, canon)

• 1:35:49 The Scourge’s final words: “people think to be a big tough guy, you gotta act like you’re made out of stone, but you don’t. The Scourge has cried a thousand times and will cry a thousand more. Real warriors know how to admit how they feel, even and especially when it’s strange and confusing.”
• 1:36:21 Bone Daddy’s final words: “if the bones are rocking, he best not come knocking.”