First appearance: S3E14 — Magic Duel — Talbot Cage v Seth Kaiser · watch it on YouTube
Thomas the Goblin is one of the small, unsung workers who keep the Deathmatches running. He is the goblin who quietly binned the Arbiter’s party invitation, and later the trainee healer who was trusted with a job he wasn’t certified to do. He is known mostly from what others say about him, but every story about him makes the Void a little stranger and a little funnier.
Story
Magic Duel
Thomas first came up in S3E14 — Magic Duel — Talbot Cage v Seth Kaiser, the night Talbot Cage faced Seth Kaiser. The occasion was “the masquerade pre-party party, obviously,” and the Arbiter was put out to discover he had never received an invitation. The Grandmaster asked Thomas, who seemed to be in charge of sending the invitations, whether he had sent it.
The truth came out later. Thomas had thrown the Arbiter’s invitation in the trash. The Grandmaster delivered the news with no attempt to soften it: Thomas loves everyone, she explained, which made his one exception all the more pointed.
“Turns out Thomas doesn’t like you… You should take it personally, because Thomas loves everyone.” (the Grandmaster)
Bone Rust
Thomas turned up again during the Season of Fate, in S5E13 — Bone Rust — Ruby Rust v Bone Daddy, where Ruby Rust fought Bone Daddy. By then he had a new career. Thea admitted that she hadn’t overseen the healing herself and had let Thomas the Goblin do it instead. He was “working on his certification,” she said, though he had not actually finished it.
The Lord of Fate, which was the Arbiter’s title in that timeline, was not impressed. He pointed out that Thomas cannot read or write, and asked what on earth made Thea think he could put together a snake. Thea defended her trainee on the grounds that “he’s seen straight lines before.” The Lord of Fate’s answer: “He eats paint chips.”
Later in the same night, Thea passed along another piece of Thomas lore. According to Thomas, he hides eggs in his “butt pocket,” and his body temperature is so high that a raw egg put in there is cooked by lunchtime. The table quickly added a mock warning not to try this at home, citing salmonella and the finer points of sous vide.
Personality and Abilities
Thomas is, by the Grandmaster’s account, a warm-hearted goblin who loves everyone, with one firm exception. He is willing to take on responsibility, whether that is sending invitations or doing the healing, even when his qualifications are unclear or plainly absent. He cannot read or write and he eats paint chips, but he has seen straight lines before.
His one claimed physical gift is a body temperature high enough to cook an egg by lunchtime, which he puts to practical use with his butt pocket. Nobody has confirmed this.
Relationships
- Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer: He works for her, apparently handling invitations. She was the one who told the Arbiter what Thomas thinks of him.
- The Arbiter: The only person Thomas doesn’t love. He threw the Arbiter’s party invitation in the trash. In the Season of Fate, the Lord of Fate openly doubted Thomas’s fitness as a healer.
- Thea: His supervisor in healing during the Season of Fate. She let him do the healing before his certification was finished, and she passes along his stories.
Memorable Quotes
- “Turns out Thomas doesn’t like you… You should take it personally, because Thomas loves everyone.” (the Grandmaster, S3E14)
- “He can’t read or write. What made you think that he was going to be able to put together a snake?” (the Lord of Fate, S5E13)
- “Well, he’s seen straight lines before.” (Thea, S5E13)
- “He eats paint chips.” (the Lord of Fate, S5E13)
- “Thomas the Goblin tells me he hides eggs in his butt pocket… his body temperature is so high, you put in a raw egg, and then by lunchtime, it’s cooked.” (Thea, S5E13)