S3E17, Season 3 Finale - Soot Mustam v Huey Leatherface

Watch on YouTube

The Season 3 finale pitted Soot Mustam, a twelve-year-old Goliath with the body of a grown man and a hat worn backwards for power, against Huey Leatherface, a feather-shedding bird artificer who collects dog urine for science. They fought in one of the Grandmaster’s glittering treasure rooms, under the eye of her pet dragon Lilac. It was a match of runaway hamsters, militant grandmothers and a pocket black hole. Then, after the champions were gone, the season’s darkest secret climbed out of the Box of Chaos and took the throne.

The Story

Face Paint and Rags

The Arbiter spent the start of the evening searching the halls of The Dread Fortress for the Grandmaster, who “continues to elude him this evening.” He found her by following the sound of giggling and a whirring cotton candy machine. Inside her chambers a line of goblins snaked up to the top of her throne, where she sat at a little table of paints, decorating faces from a board of designs: butterflies, unicorns, Spider-Man, blood dripping from the eyes. The smallest and cutest goblin, Nathaniel, asked for an orc skull and got a bright pink one in the middle of his forehead. Then he held up his chinchilla, which she covered in tiny hearts.

The Arbiter, with a blood vessel about to burst, reminded her it was past nine and the season finale. Faced with the length of the line, she dipped her whole hand in paint and ran down it smacking every goblin in the face. She wiped what was left on the Arbiter’s shoulder, since “you’re wearing rags anyway.” He had been in sackcloth and chains all season as punishment for trying to overthrow her, and he dropped a hint: a fresh pair of clothes “would be great. It’s been five months.” She told him maybe after the match.

Leatherface, Leatherfeather

The portal opened in fog and laser light. When the Arbiter checked the name, Huey corrected him gently:

Huey Leatherface: “Well, actually, partner, it’s Leatherfeather, but honestly, it’s quite a fetching name, so I might just make use of it.”

He introduced himself as “the best dang artificer in this side of Strixhaven,” a maker of potions and “little tinkery things” who throws them “real good,” with a blunderbuss he called Old Bessie. Soot announced he trained at many gyms, was “very, very fit,” and came with his trusty friend Marymoo, a flying squirrel. He tapped his backwards hat: “This gives me my power.”

The Grandmaster asked for a space “that I treasure,” and the Arbiter opened a portal onto a room blazing with gold. It was one of “the many little treasure rooms that help fund the great adventures we have here at D20 Deathmatch,” with gold piles ten feet tall, scattered crowns and jewels, and giant crystals. Lilac, her flying dragon, guarded the hoard. The dragon is named for lilacs, though she does not actually smell of them. Doug hopped out of the Grandmaster’s wings, was shooed off by the Arbiter, growled at Huey for eyeing the gold, and peed on his shoe. Huey, unbothered, pulled off his glove to show a scarred, half-plucked hand and scooped the puddle into a vial: “I typically take the glove off because it contaminates the urine.” Soot, as a fellow animal trainer, approved. The Grandmaster had Doug whisked back up to her “before any more experiments happen to him,” and Lilac’s breath laid a wall of fire across the middle of the room.

A Twelve-Year-Old With Abs

The Acolytes had already called up three chaos events before anyone moved. The first was the Grandmaster herself, who nocked an arrow and shot Soot. This was the moment everyone learned he was twelve. Huey admitted to being “a little bit troubled that I’m going to kill a 12 year old, but… that’s for me and the big cheese upstairs,” and the Arbiter assured everyone, “His mom signed the waiver.” Soot shrugged off the arrow: “I’ve been punched harder than that before with an arrow to the face.”

Soot summoned a fiery winged steed, Flamewing, out of what he insisted was “a blue and white square,” and the table had a long riff on legally distinct collectible bobbles. He vaulted onto Flamewing “like Mario” and soared over the fire wall. His attempt to flick flame in Huey’s face mostly just burned away part of his own shirt. That turned out to be a weapon of its own: the sight of a child’s enormous abs rattled Huey badly (“Your poor mother”).

Huey answered with a vial “distinctly not dog piss,” which exploded the flames into fireworks of “blues and greens and purples.” It blinded both of them and knocked off the goggles he had forgotten he was wearing on his forehead. “Yeah, Leatherface is right.” Soot, it emerged, had trained blindfolded and could sense things up close, but his swing at Huey came up a natural 1. He spent a gift from the Acolytes to try again, confessing his “deep-seated shame” at needing to prove to his mother he wasn’t the weakest in his village. He rolled another natural 1. “Your mother starts crying in the stands,” the Grandmaster reported.

Hamsters, Meemaws and a Golden Golem

The second chaos event was a hailstorm of hamster balls. Two bonked Huey on the head and three hit the blinded Flamewing. Then the hamsters calmly found the nearest edge of the room and ran off it. The Grandmaster insisted they were not going to their deaths: one had a map, he was smiling, and “they’re going to the promised land.” The Arbiter added that they all wore matching tracksuits.

Soot yanked Huey ten feet with lightning channeled through Marymoo and missed his follow-up (“Flamin’, flamin’ poop”). He sent the squirrel to chew on Huey’s face for the rest of the fight. Huey declined to worry about rabies, since “it’s a lie that the government has told you.” He cured his blindness with spit and a salve, assured everyone the dog urine “is for later,” and stepped back to where he’d started with his magic boots. Then he sped himself up and shot a twelve-year-old with Old Bessie. Soot explained that his village’s training included standing blindfolded while people shot at him. Afterward Huey stood atop a gold pile looking “like a king,” declaring he was too good a man to pocket any of it.

The third chaos event was the Acolytes throwing their own grandmothers into the arena. Four Meemaws with pink purses full of candy and tissues took the field, quickly christened the Golden Girls: Sophia, Dorothy, Blanche and Rose. Anyone who got close had to charm them or be attacked. Soot rode past Sophia confident that “parents love me.” She gave him a Werther’s and pinched his cheeks. When he tried to look intimidating and rolled yet another natural 1, he puffed his cheeks out so adorably that she hugged him and wouldn’t let go. “I’m both upset about this and also comforted because I haven’t been hugged enough as a child.” While Soot was held in place, Huey flung a loose floor tile at him by magic for a brutal hit, cheering his own name out of nerves.

At the end of the round the Arbiter turned Lilac’s eyes white and filled her head with his will. She spewed fire until the gold went molten, and a burning golem of gold and precious metals rose from the hoard. Huey named it Christopher. The Arbiter steered it from the balcony “like he’s in a Pacific Rim machine.” Later in the fight, unable to see the now-invisible Huey, Christopher went after the grandmothers, cutting down Dorothy and breathing poison on Blanche until she “just burns up.”

The Box Pays Out

The Acolytes summoned the Box of Chaos, and Gerald’s shadowy fingers and yellow eyes peeked out of its heatless pink fire. Soot tore off his most precious bauble, the emblem of his hometown, and dropped it in. Gerald took offense: “You think you can just throw trash wherever you want?… You little shit.” He returned with a literal trash can, dumped its trash and shit on Soot’s head (“Here, take my trash”), and left him holding a Cube of Annihilation, a hole in the multiverse that obliterates whatever it passes through. “Buyer beware,” the Arbiter warned.

Soot teleported to Huey’s side and landed a smiting blow, then a natural 20. Huey somehow stayed standing. He turned invisible, crept up to the Box, and whispered a sales pitch: “Hey, hey bud, I’m in a real tough spot right now. This steed looks mighty tasty, you wanna buy it?” A long claw dragged all of Flamewing inside. Gerald surfaced picking his teeth and tossed Huey an Amulet of Health in exchange. “Fucking here, take this, whatever.”

Soot threw the Cube at Huey, who sidestepped it. Huey then tried to fling it back with magic. He chose not to ask about the consequences, and the uncontrolled Cube drifted toward him instead, plucking his feathers out one by one. He retreated to the edge beside Lilac and offered her an experimental elixir. She hesitantly drank it and beat her wings faster, and the room grew so hot that Christopher melted into slag and Soot took his shirt off again “because it’s too hot."

"I Did It to Myself”

The Grandmaster demanded real murder this time. Soot hit Huey’s face with holy fire (“the name was prophetic”) and charged him at the edge, needing only to leap the Cube sitting between them. He rolled his fourth natural 1 of the night and stepped straight into the black hole. “I did it to myself.” As he came apart particle by particle, he thought about everything he could have done better:

Soot Mustam: “I only became a warrior a year ago when I turned 11. So this is fine. And maybe one day the gods will bless me and I will come back and maybe I won’t be a troubled youth.”

The Grandmaster came down in tears, closed the Cube (“We wish you well on your next journey”), and lifted Huey’s hand in victory. Huey mused that “it is what you do with the gift of life that determines who you are. Well, time to party.” She flew him into the sky, a featherless roast chicken of a champion. Then Marymoo, still clamped to his face and now in a grieving rage, clawed him with everything it had, crying “Mary Mew! Mary Mew!” Startled by the squirrel, the Grandmaster let go. Huey fell forty feet (“You’re with the hamsters now”) and went splat, the winner dead anyway. Marymoo glided down peacefully and was the only champion she took home.

The Chains Come Off

In the throne room the Grandmaster tossed her sword to Thomas the Goblin as goblin knights lined the walls. Doug and the Arbiter, both in chains, hauled in the Box behind her. The Arbiter pointed out his good behavior, and she agreed and freed him. The chains dissolved in glowing marks and a glitter bomb, and his black spiked leathers and Italian boots returned. She told him she was proud of him. He conceded, “You have proven yourself to be a worthy Grandmaster once again. And yes, I was mistaken.”

They planned the next season: more blood, historically accurate feathered dinosaurs, lightning and hail together (the Arbiter demonstrated on her carpet), more mongoose, eating, drinking and vomiting contests, a gauntlet or two, and a Deathmatch somewhere new. They wanted a circus, or even the surface of the sun, instead of yet another haunted forest or The Shadowlands. “We need to kill them where no one has been killed before.” They also remembered poor Timmy, the worm mayor who died at an earlier space match, and talked about commemorating him on a t-shirt and sending a fruit basket: “sorry we got your mayor and savior killed?” Then she snapped up a golden goblet, and red wine poured into it from the sky.

The Return of the Shadow King

Then the Box began to burn. Its flames turned red and black and now gave off heat. The Arbiter swore he hadn’t done anything to it “recently.” As he walked toward it, he slowed. Chaos lightning in the colors of the Void’s storms crackled around him, and a shadow peeled out of his body. “Something’s… Something’s wrong, Grandmaster.” He collapsed, and the shadow and lightning were sucked in through the keyhole. The lid blew open, and a darting shadow cut down every goblin in the room.

The Grandmaster stood on her throne with The Oathbow drawn. A familiar whisper came from just behind her: “Hello, Elusia.” It was The Shadow King. “Uncle.” He told her that Vythorn had saved a piece of him, believing he could use it, while all along the Shadow King had been using Vythorn and clouding his mind against her. He had rebuilt himself from the Box’s offerings, “a toe, a hand, a foot, cryptocurrency… Magic the Gathering cards.” The power just drawn out of the Arbiter had made him ten times stronger than he had ever been. Shadow chains wrapped Elusia’s limbs and throat and dragged her off the throne, and he sat down in it. “You mean what you stole from my family?” she spat. He replied that her family was his family. Dozens of Dragon Knights stepped from the shadows, and the banners burned until the room was as dark as it had once been.

When Doug bared his little teeth, the Shadow King thrust a blade of shadow at him. The Arbiter rose and took it through the heart. “Run, run, Doug, run.” Doug escaped through a doggy door. The Shadow King called it “a fitting end for a treacherous fool.” Elusia begged Vythorn not to give up. Dying, he looked up at her and said, “I am sorry for so many things.” She asked why. “For knowledge.” He fell dead.

The chains pulled the Grandmaster down until she knelt before the uncle who calls her his daughter.

The Shadow King: “That’s so much better. Welcome and good night to D20 Deathmatch!”

Notable Moments

• Huey bottled Doug’s pee bare-handed, for science, and insisted it was “for later.”
• Soot rolled four natural 1s and finally died by stepping into his own Cube of Annihilation.
• A grandmother’s hug stopped a twelve-year-old warrior in his tracks and briefly comforted him.
• Huey sold Soot’s flying steed to Gerald in exchange for an Amulet of Health.
• The winner was dropped forty feet by the Grandmaster, frightened by a vengeful squirrel.
• The Shadow King emerged from the Box of Chaos, killed the Arbiter as he shielded Doug, and seized the throne.

Memorable Quotes

• Huey Leatherface: “I don’t believe in rabies… It’s a lie that the government has told you.”
• Soot Mustam: “I’m feeling the sense of deep-seated shame that I have that I need to be a better fighter for my mother to prove that I’m not the weakest one from my home village.”
• Gerald: “You think you can just throw trash wherever you want?… You little shit.”
• Huey Leatherface: “When life gives you lemons, you throw some lemonade.”
• Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer: “Those aren’t friends if you capture them… Captured animals are not your friends.”
• Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer: “After I usurped you, you think I would willingly just choose to what? Follow your lead all of a sudden? The Void has been doing well. We’ve been thriving.”
• The Shadow King: “Child, your family is my family. We are blood, which is why I forgive you.”
• The Arbiter: “I am sorry for so many things.” / “For knowledge.”

Who and What Appears

Characters

Soot Mustam (WintersTales / “AJ”).

• Who he is:
  • A 12-year-old Goliath boy, about six foot, extremely muscular (“looks like he’s 25”). “Gohan-shaped.”
  • An animal trainer in the style of a Pokémon trainer, who wears his hat backwards for power. The hat “dictate[s] enemies.”
  • Collects baubles/bobbles/bells (“legally distinct” badges). His most precious is the emblem of his hometown, which he gave to the Box of Chaos.
• Powers and companions:
  • Paladin warlock, through “sponsors”: a celestial being and a warlock patron.
  • Greatsword. Blindsight (10 ft), from training blindfolded.
  • Familiar Marymoo, a “lightning flying squirrel” that comes from a “blue and white square” (dice cage). Marymoo was “never in a cage.”
  • Summoned steed Flamewing (a Pegasus/“flame horse”), which Huey sold to Gerald.
• Background:
  • From a Goliath village where kids leave home around 10. Training there included blindfolded “blind steps” while people shot at them.
  • He feels he must prove to his mother that he’s not the weakest in the village. He says his “entire village hates me.” His mother “used to yell at me, I make poor decisions.”
  • Became a warrior a year ago, at 11. “Haven’t been hugged enough as a child.”
  • Calls himself “the greatest,” “a troubled youth,” “an angry boy.”
• In this episode:
  • Rolled four nat 1s (opportunity attack, hero-point reroll, intimidation, the final athletics).
  • Died by falling into his own Cube of Annihilation, hoping the gods would bring him back.

Huey Leatherface / Leatherfeather (BonusStageRob).

• Who he is:
  • A bird (Owlin) artificer/alchemist, “the best dang artificer in this side of Strixhaven.” The Arbiter called him “Leatherface”; he says it’s “Leatherfeather” but likes the nickname.
  • Scarred hand missing feathers; goggles on his forehead. Calls people “partner.”
• Gear:
  • Blunderbuss “Old Bessie” (enhanced +1), handaxe.
  • Boots of the Winding Path.
  • The Amulet of Health, from Gerald.
• Habits:
  • Collects dog urine (Doug’s) for concoctions (“that is for later”).
  • Doesn’t believe in rabies. Keeps his food under the couch and has no refrigerator (“I should invent one of those”).
  • Says his own name when stressed (a nervous tic).
• In this episode:
  • Declared winner by the Grandmaster. His face was burned (fireworks, sacred flame) and he lost his feathers to the Cube: “a roast chicken.”
  • Then mauled by Marymoo and dropped 40 ft by the Grandmaster. He went “splat”; his survival isn’t stated.

Marymoo (Soot’s familiar). A flying squirrel; Soot also calls it a “squirrel hamster cat creature.” It gnaws Huey’s face throughout. It went into a rage at Soot’s death, survived, glided down, and was the only “champion” the Grandmaster took back through the portal. Its only word: “Mary Mew!”

Flamewing. Soot’s summoned Pegasus. Blinded by the hamster storm, then sold by Huey to Gerald, who dragged it into the Box of Chaos. Its fate is unknown.

Lilac. The Grandmaster’s pet flying dragon, guardian of the treasure room. She doesn’t actually smell of lilacs, and her tongue sticks out.

• The Arbiter mind-controlled her into flooding the room with fire.
• She accepted Huey’s elixir, which made her faster and the room hotter.

Doug. The Grandmaster’s pug, who rides in her wings.

• Peed on Huey’s shoe in the arena.

Gerald (Mudcat). The shadowy, yellow-eyed being in the Box of Chaos.

• Grumpy, swears, called Soot’s offering trash and dumped a trash can on him.
• Ate Flamewing and picked his teeth after.
• Paid out the Cube of Annihilation and the Amulet of Health.

The Shadow King (Mudcat). Elusia’s uncle, who returned from the Box of Chaos at the end of the season. He killed the throne-room goblins, chained Elusia, took the throne, summoned dozens of Dragon Knights, killed the Arbiter, and forced Elusia to kneel. He calls her “child” and “daughter.”

The Arbiter / Vythorn the Endless Scholar (Mudcat).

• Wore sackcloth “rags” and chains for about “five months” this season. The Grandmaster freed him for good behavior, and his black spiked leathers and Italian leather boots returned.
• Admitted “I was mistaken” about her being weak.
• His shadow and chaos energy were drawn out of him into the box, giving the Shadow King “ten times” his power.
• Died taking a shadow blade meant for Doug. Last words: “I am sorry for so many things… For knowledge.”

Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer (Caustic Phoenix).

• Face-painted goblins; owns treasure rooms that fund the Deathmatch.
• Shot Soot as a chaos event. Cried and sealed the Cube after Soot died, then dropped Huey in fright at Marymoo.
• Freed the Arbiter. Wields Oathbow.
• “After I usurped you”: she overthrew the Shadow King. She ends the episode chained and kneeling.

Goblins: Nathaniel (the smallest goblin, with a pink orc skull face paint and a chinchilla with hearts); Thomas the Goblin (catches her sword); the goblin knights and soldiers of the throne room, all killed.

The Meemaws / Golden Girls: thrown in by the Acolytes, represented by rifle-carrying cosplay grandmas.

• Sophia gave Soot a Werther’s, pinched his cheeks and hugged him.
• Dorothy was slashed dead by the golem.
• Blanche was killed by its poison breath.

Christopher. The large molten gold-and-metal golem, named by Huey, controlled by the Arbiter “like a Jaeger.” It melted at the end of round 5.

Timmy / Timothy. A mayor (“mayor and savior”) killed at an earlier deathmatch in space. The Arbiter proposes a commemorative t-shirt and a holiday fruit basket.

The Dragon Knights. Dozens step from the shadows to serve the Shadow King.

Soot’s mother. In the stands, crying at his nat 1s, per the GM.

Places

• The Dread Fortress, its halls and the Grandmaster’s chambers/throne room: goblins at the top of the throne. The Arbiter’s chair sits beside the throne. It goes dark again under the Shadow King “as it once was the first time that you entered.”
• The Grandmaster’s treasure room: one of “many little treasure rooms that help fund” the Deathmatch. 10-ft gold piles, crystals, coins, crowns, jewels, Lilac. An edge the hamsters ran off; what’s below is unknown.
• Soot’s Goliath home village (unnamed).
• Strixhaven (“this side of Strixhaven”, Huey’s home region).
• Arena types named in planning: haunted forest, the Shadowlands, snowy mountain, cemetery, space (Timmy). Proposed: the Bahamas, a circus, the surface of the sun.

Items

• Cube (Sphere) of Annihilation: from the Box of Chaos for Soot’s hometown emblem. It killed Soot; the Grandmaster closed it.
• Amulet of Health: from the Box of Chaos for Flamewing; given to Huey.
• Oathbow: the Grandmaster’s bow.
• The Arbiter’s chains (removed with charter marks and glitter), his sackcloth clothes, black leathers, Italian leather boots.
• Old Bessie; Boots of the Winding Path; Huey’s experimental elixir; the vial of Doug’s urine.
• Sophia’s Werther’s Original.
• The “journal of notes,” with “I was mistaken” at the top and its workshop section.
• The Grandmaster’s golden goblet.

Lore statements

• The Box of Chaos held a piece of the Shadow King, which Vythorn saved. The Shadow King claims he manipulated Vythorn and clouded his mind against Elusia. He says he rebuilt his body from offerings made to the box “event after event.”
• The Arbiter took the Shadow King’s knowledge and power over the years. The chaos energy and shadow drawn out of the Arbiter multiplied the Shadow King’s power tenfold.
• Chaos storms across the Void share the colors of chaos lightning.
• Elusia usurped the Shadow King. He says she took what was his; she says he stole it from her family. “Your family is my family. We are blood.”
• The Box’s fire normally gives no heat. Red and black flames with heat marked the Shadow King’s emergence.
• The Grandmaster has many treasure rooms that fund the Deathmatch.
• Acolytes trigger chaotic events and gift hero points. In-world, they threw their own grandmothers into the arena.

Full Round-by-Round

Every beat of the episode, with timestamps (click to expand)

Opening: face paint in the Grandmaster’s chambers

1. 0:04:33 The Arbiter walks the halls of the Dread Fortress looking for the Grandmaster, who “continues to elude him this evening.” He hears giggling and a cotton candy machine whirring inside her chambers.
2. 0:05:01 He bursts through the double doors. A line of goblins leads up to the top of her throne, where she has a small table of paints and is face-painting goblins one at a time. There’s a board of designs to pick from: butterflies, blood dripping from the eyes, a unicorn, Spider-Man. The goblins are excited for “the final, final deathmatch of the season.”
3. 0:05:41 Nathaniel. The smallest, cutest goblin is Nathaniel (Caustic Phoenix named him after her youngest brother). He asks for an orc skull, and she paints a bright pink one in the middle of his forehead. Then Nathaniel holds up his chinchilla for face paint too, and she covers it in little hearts.
4. 0:06:56 “The Arbiter has a blood vessel about to blow.” He tells her it’s after nine and the season finale. “Already?”
5. 0:07:17 The speed rush. Panicking at the length of the line, she lines everyone up, dips her whole hand in paint and runs down the line smacking every goblin’s face, leaving streaks of fingerprints. Some paint splashes onto the Arbiter’s “sack of clothes.” She wipes the rest of her hand on his shoulder, since “you’re wearing rags anyway.”
6. 0:07:58 The Arbiter: a fresh pair of clothes “would be great. It’s been five months.” GM: “Maybe after this match.”
7. 0:08:11 The portal. He claps open a portal with fog and laser beams. Intro voice: “Soot Mustam versus Huey Leatherface!”
8. 0:08:42 The name. The Arbiter asks whether Leatherface is right. Huey: “Well, actually, partner, it’s Leatherfeather, but honestly, it’s quite a fetching name, so I might just make use of it.” The Arbiter says he saw the picture and assumed. Huey: “I’m a bird, so you might need to get your eyes checked.” The GM says the Arbiter does have vision, he just hasn’t gone in years.
9. 0:09:22 Huey’s introduction. “Where I’m from, my friends call me Huey.” He is “the best dang artificer in this side of Strixhaven.” He makes potions and “little tinkery things” and throws them “real good,” and carries a blunderbuss he calls Old Bessie.
10. 0:09:58 Soot’s introduction. “I am so ready… I’m going to defeat them.” He trains at many gyms, is “very, very fit,” and has his trusty friend Marymoo. He wears his hat backwards: “This gives me my power.”
11. 0:10:54 The Arbiter notes “a lot of finger action already” (both champions keep pointing). GM: “Some people really like finger action.”

The arena: the treasure room

12. 0:11:18 The GM asks for “a particularly special space… one that I treasure,” winking with both eyes. The Arbiter’s portal opens onto a room shining with gold.
13. 0:11:56 GM: this is “one of the many little treasure rooms that help fund the great adventures we have here at D20 Deathmatch.”
    • It holds gold piles about 10 ft tall, coins, crowns and jewels scattered among giant crystals that “glimmer with hope.”
    • Her pet, a flying dragon named Lilac (“because she smells of lilacs. She indeed does not actually smell of lilacs”), stays at the side.
    • GM to Lilac: make sure they don’t steal anything of worth, “though of course, if they survive, maybe they could take it as payment.”
14. 0:12:45 Doug. The GM opens her wings and Doug hops out. He barks and runs around the Arbiter’s feet. The Arbiter pushes him away (“Get out of here”), so Doug hides between the two champions.
15. 0:13:41 Soot: “I’m going to defeat this person that I’ve never met before, in real life and in fiction.” Huey: “That’s rap meta of you.”
16. 0:13:52 Huey is hungrily eyeing the gold. Doug growls at him, then pees on Huey’s shoe and trots to the Arbiter.
17. 0:14:24 The dog-pee sample. Huey, unfazed, pops a vial and collects the pee. He removes his glove, revealing a scarred hand missing a lot of feathers, and scoops it up bare-handed: “I typically take the glove off because it contaminates the urine. You could use this in quite a lot of concoctions.” Soot: “As an animal trainer myself, I know pet urine often.” Huey: “A fellow scientist.”
18. 0:15:46 GM: “Arbiter, could you please bring Doug up here before any more experiments happen to him?” He snaps, Doug pops up to her, and the Arbiter takes off, flaring his white wings.
19. 0:16:10 “Acolytes! You’ve come once again for dungeons and dice and deathmatches!”
20. 0:16:19 Placement. The Arbiter throws each champion to the sides of the gold piles. Lilac’s breath leaves a 10-ft wall of fire through the middle of the map, so they must go around or through it. GM: maybe some dog-urine concoction makes you fireproof.
21. 0:17:20 Initiative. They tie at 5 and reroll; Soot (14) goes first, Huey (2) second. The Acolytes have already triggered three chaotic events. (“Chaos!”)

Chaos event 1: the Grandmaster’s arrow (0:18:31)

22. Huey rolls and picks a multiplier of six. He has taken “a lot of blows to the head… with concoctions that are quite flammable, so math ain’t one of my strong suits.”
23. 0:19:18 Soot is twelve. “And I’m 12.”
    • Huey: “I am a little bit troubled that I’m going to kill a 12 year old, but… that’s for me and the big cheese upstairs.” Soot: “If you win, you can afford therapy.”
    • Soot is a 12-year-old Goliath, about six foot and “beefed,” with a greatsword on his back. GM: “Hunter x Hunter… these kids are intense.”
    • Arbiter: “His mom signed the waiver.” Soot: “it’s what all of the kids from my village do.” Huey: “They all leave home at 10. It is the age where you go and adventure with small creatures.”
24. 0:20:33 Huey calls tails and it’s tails. The Grandmaster nocks an arrow and shoots Soot. It’s a glancing blow, one of the small arrows, for 3 piercing.
25. 0:21:30 Soot: “I’ve been punched harder than that before with an arrow to the face.” Huey: “Wow, an arrow of punching. I have tried to create one for years.”

Round 1

26. 0:22:49 Flamewing. “I summon Steed!” Soot casts Find Steed, summoning a “flame horse that’s not copyrighted.” Mudcat uses a Pegasus token (“I have two of them, actually”).
    • GM: “I assume it comes out of a red and white ball.” Soot: “How dare you? It comes out of a blue and white square… It’s called a dice cage.” Huey: “The latest technology.”
    • Huey: “You do have enough badges. Bobbles. Legally distinct bobbles.” Soot: “They’re called bells. Bobbles or bells. It’s interchangeable.” GM: “We’re really good at this world building on the spot.”
    • The steed is named Flamewing. Soot leaps up “like Mario,” hooks a leg over and flies over the fire, greatsword in hand. GM: “Very Valkyrie-like.”
27. 0:25:55 The abs. Soot tries to flick flame into Huey’s face with his sword, “just for effect… Cause I’m a badass.”
    • Performance 6: the flames burn away part of his own shirt. GM: “If they’re old enough to fight in a deathmatch, they’re old enough to curse.” Soot: “I’m in all heck.”
    • Soot: “Not to reveal my abs, and hopefully that’s threatening enough.” His intimidation (17) beats Huey’s insight (12).
    • Huey gets a d4 bane on his next attack. Huey: “Those are mighty large abdominals… I did not expect to see abdominals of that capacity on a small child.” Soot: “I was born like this… I’m Goliath, we’re just muscular beings.” Huey: “Your poor mother.”
28. 0:28:13 Fireworks. Huey pulls a vial “that looks like water… distinctly not dog piss”: “oh, yeah, you got a little something on you, watch that.” He throws it and casts pyrotechnics on the flame on Soot.
    • He has to save too. GM: “Best seat in the house.”
    • Both fail and are blinded. Huey uses Flash of Genius (+3) and still fails.
    • 0:30:43 Huey describes it: “when the liquid hits the sparks, the flame for a moment goes white hot and then just sort of explodes into a spectrum of blues and greens and purples and hits me directly in the eyes, knocking the goggles off of my forehead that I totally forgot that I was wearing… Yeah, Leatherface is right.”
    • GM: “you’re looking like Two-Face right now.” Soot: “Yeah, but Leatherface and I’m done with you.” Huey: “Oh, burn!”
    • The Acolytes “ooh” and “ahh.” Fire takes over the stands and burns along the outer rim, with 20 ft of smoke around Huey.
29. 0:32:33 The double nat 1. Huey moves 15 ft blind; a d4 sends him south (“kind of where I wanted to go”).
    • Soot: “Do I get an opportunity attack? Because I have blindsight.” GM: “Those sleeves were pulled up for a reason.” Soot: “I used to train with a blindfold on because I knew that I would be a better animal trainer if I could see in the dark.”
    • Soot rolls a nat 1. GM: maybe it’s the smoke on his contacts.
    • 0:35:11 Both champions were gifted hero points by the Acolytes (“You can drink a whole gallon of milk without throwing up”).
    • 0:35:36 Soot: “I’m feeling the sense of deep-seated shame that I have that I need to be a better fighter for my mother to prove that I’m not the weakest one from my home village.” He spends the hero point to reroll. Another nat 1.
    • GM: “Your mother starts crying in the stands.” Soot: “I want to be the very best like no one ever was before.” Huey: “A single tear rolls down Huey’s eye.” “Your blind eye?” “I can sense the tear.”
30. 0:37:03 The Arbiter rolls the GM’s end-of-round roll (9) and Doug’s (13). GM: “You even rolled higher for Doug.”

Chaos event 2: the hamster-ball hailstorm (0:37:38)

31. Soot rolls a 6 (“my lucky number plus one, which means it’s better”).
    • Chittering from above: a hailstorm of hamster balls falls from the sky, bouncing and rolling into everyone (Dex DC 17).
    • Flamewing is also blind and fails. Soot dodges with a dirty 20; GM: “if they were in cubes, this would feel even more like home.”
    • Two balls bonk Huey on the head (8 bludgeoning); Huey: “Hey, little guys.” Three hit Flamewing (12).
32. 0:41:52 The hamsters’ journey. The hamsters pause, find the nearest edge and run off it to continue their descent.
    • GM: “They’re not going to their death… They had a driven purpose.” Arbiter: “Could be the mouth of a giant animal.”
    • GM: “One of them had a smile… he had a small map and he was leading everyone… They’re going to the promised land.” Huey: “Well, now they’re zealots?” Arbiter: “They were all wearing matching tracksuits.” GM: “Everyone forget the hamsters.”

Round 2

33. 0:43:53 Lightning lure. Sword in one hand, Soot casts lightning lure, channeling it through his familiar (“because he’s a lightning flying squirrel. Or at least that’s what we pretend”).
    • Huey is yanked 10 ft for 13 lightning “to your face,” landing at the edge of the fire wall (“It’s licking me, I’m sweating a little bit”).
    • Huey thinks the squirrel is a face hugger: “is this one of them hamsters again?”
34. 0:46:33 Soot’s greatsword misses. “Flamin’, flamin’ poop.” GM: “there’s only one other ingredient missing.” Soot: “I’m a 12 year old boy… this is how we fight.” Huey “notes the possibility of combining feces with fire and some sort of explosive. I’m gonna have to try that when I get back to the lab.”
35. 0:47:27 Marymoo. Soot sends Marymoo, his flying squirrel, off his shoulder onto Huey’s face to gnaw. It’s an auto-hit for 1 per turn while it stays on him. “Nothing like Pikachu.”
    • GM: “Have you had your rabies shot?” Huey: “I don’t believe in rabies… It’s a lie that the government has told you.”
36. 0:49:38 The sponsors. Soot: “I’ve made a dual partnership agreement, one would call them sponsors, with both a celestial being and a warlock patron to combine to make me an awesome paladin warlock.”
37. 0:50:11 Performance 21 posing on his steed: “as cool as a 12-year-old boy trying to be cool on the back of a horse. But he also has abs and looks like he’s 25.” Arbiter: “like an actor playing a high schooler.” Soot: “the kid from Riverdale… Archie Andrews style.” Huey: “Everyone needs to lay off the jingle jangle.” Hesitant applause.
38. 0:51:35 Huey’s sight returns. He spends his hero point to remove the blindness.
    • His hands are covered in a salve. GM: “Is this where the dog urine comes into play?” Huey: “No, that is for later, and I thank you to remember that.” He spits into the wet hands and rubs his eyes: “that is a normal Sunday evening for me.”
    • 0:50:43 Sunday dinner: “whatever I can really find under the old couch… where I store my food that I made last night.” GM: “I feel like I’m learning a lot about both of you and this is uncomfortable.”
39. 0:53:37 With his infused Boots of the Winding Path, Huey teleports back to where he was (Soot: “Coward”), then casts haste on himself.
40. 0:54:17 Old Bessie. “I shoot a 12-year-old with my blunderbuss.… I shoot that child with a gun.” He hits for 11 (an enhanced +1 weapon). Soot: “That’s nothing… I’ve been shot before.”
    • 0:55:19 “Sometimes in my village, part of the blind steps training was to line up blindfolded as people shot us.” Arbiter: “I think we need to call family services on that entire village.” GM: “Goku’s put his kid through worse.” Soot: “To train is my real test.”
41. 0:56:12 King of the gold pile. Huey climbs a 10-ft gold pile with coins spilling around him. GM: “You look like a king.”
    • Huey: “If I wasn’t so afraid of that dragon making me his lunch… putting me under the couch for… tomorrow’s breakfast, I would probably pocket some of this. But… I’m a better man than that.”
    • GM: “Her name is Lilac… Her tongue little sticks out every now and then.”
    • 0:57:22 Arbiter: “What do you think the deal is with this guy who keeps talking about eating out of a couch?” GM: “I think they don’t have a refrigerator.” Huey: “I should invent one of those.”

Chaos event 3: the Meemaws (0:58:15)

42. The Arbiter rolls an 8. “As if it was called upon down by chat, WWJDE, what would Julia do?”
    • The Acolytes throw their meemaws into the arena, “ready to fight or to give sweetness.” There are four Meemaws. Get close and you must charm them with Charisma, or they attack.
    • Soot: “Parents love me.” GM: “I see Nana Linda entering in the field.”
    • They’re grannies with pink purses full of candy, cookies and a million tissues. Huey: “these are not hamsters… What smells like Werther’s Originals in here?”
43. 0:59:31 Since there are four, they’re the Golden Girls: Sophia, Dorothy, Blanche and Rose. The table riffs on the show (table talk below).
44. 1:02:11 Break (“We’re way off the rails here”), cut from the mp3.

After the break: the Box of Chaos

45. 1:02:30 GM: the Acolytes “have been on fire today. Maybe actually on fire by the end of this.” They summon the Box of Chaos (“Chaos! Chaos!”).
46. 1:02:56 The Arbiter snaps. The box drops into the middle of the battlefield, the lid flips open, and pink and purple fire shoots up with no heat. The shadowy fingers of Gerald peek out with his yellow eyes.
47. 1:03:31 GM explains: offer anything of value to you and it gives something back; interacting is a free action.
48. 1:04:00 The four Golden Girls are represented by rifleman tokens. Arbiter: “they are just legally carrying.” GM: “It’s an open carry realm. No, no, it’s not… They’re props… they’re grandmas into cosplay.” Soot: “steampunk cosplay with weapons.”

Round 3

49. 1:04:50 Soot rides Flamewing up the coin mountain to strike with a planned branding smite. His hero point is gone, and he misses (12): “This program genuinely hates me.”
50. 1:06:36 Sophia. Riding past Sophia, Soot makes a Charisma save (23). “Parents loves me.” She hands him a Werther’s (4 HP) and pinches his cheeks. “Ow.”
51. 1:08:07 Sword burst. He passes off the miss “like it was intentional,” with sword burst sweeping out from the failed swing. “It’s a setup… my mom tells me I’m great.”
    • Huey saves with Flash of Genius. Soot was filling the time with an “empowering speech.” Huey: “I did kind of want to hear the inspirational speech.” Soot: “If I don’t kill you today, I will tell you the speech. But for now, you’re my enemy.” Huey: “Oh, I did forget about the hat. That does dictate enemies.”
52. 1:10:07 The hug. “I’m also still intimidating as fuck.” Soot rolls a nat 1 on intimidation.
    • He puffs out his cheeks, so cute that Sophia hugs him. He’s grappled in the hug for one turn.
    • Soot: “I’m both upset about this and also comforted because I haven’t been hugged enough as a child… Like a mother’s love that I didn’t get.” GM: “The rest of us take a little emotional damage.”
53. 1:11:39 Catapult. Huey picks a big loose brick/floor tile near Gerald and casts catapult at 3rd level at Soot, who is between him and the stone.
    • Soot saves at disadvantage because Sophia is holding him, and fails: 25 damage. Soot: “That’s nothing.”
    • 1:13:54 GM: “Do you always say your own name to celebrate?” Huey: “it’s actually a nervous tick. I am very stressed right now… I have very little shame.”
54. 1:14:12 Still hasted, Huey swings his handaxe with the d4 bane for a hit (3 damage), “one with a rock and one with a pointy stick.” Huey: “I call it the old float like a stone, sting like a hand axe.” “Patent pending.” “That’s why it’s a strong brand.”

End of round 3: the gold golem

55. 1:16:00 The Arbiter points at Lilac and her eyes go white as he forces his thoughts into her brain.
    • She spews fire everywhere and the gold underfoot goes molten. Huey saves; Soot fails (“Every time”). Both are thrown back off the pile.
    • A large golem of gold and precious metals, molten and burning with dragonfire, rises out of the pile and joins initiative.
    • Huey: “You buried the lead on that a little bit.” Huey suggests the name Christopher; GM: “Christopher is really nice.”
    • The Arbiter controls the golem from the balcony “like he’s in a Pacific Rim machine… he’s in the Jaeger.”

Round 4: the Box pays out

56. 1:18:57 Soot’s offering. As a free action, Soot rips off his most precious bauble, “the emblem of my hometown, and where I trained to be the best warrior,” and puts it in the box. GM: “Is it also a cube?” “It’s a bauble.”
57. 1:19:24 Gerald side-eyes him: “You think you can just throw trash wherever you want?… You little shit.” Soot: “Littering’s bad.” Gerald: “Fuck, I’ll be right back.” He slams the lid. Soot rolls 9 and 98.
58. 1:20:20 GM: “think carefully of the ramifications… make sure that this is not a game ender all on its own.” Arbiter: “Oh, it might be. I’m going to do it anyways, because I want to.”
59. 1:20:38 The Cube of Annihilation. Gerald: “Here, take my trash.” He dumps a trash can of trash and shit on Soot’s head. Out pops a small orb, “in your case, it’s a cube”: a Sphere of Annihilation, in Soot’s hands a Cube of Annihilation. Arbiter: “There’s a great chance that it backfires… Buyer beware.” Soot: “Hell yeah!… Knowing my rolls.”
60. 1:22:05 Huey, “Concerned”: “I had my next move planned out real nice… I’m going to stretch my… improv legs… And change everything the fuck I was going to do.”
61. 1:23:00 Divine smite. Soot misty-steps off Flamewing to Huey’s other side. He realizes he has Extra Attack. “In my village, beheading is the only way to go.” He hits with divine smite.
    • Marymoo claws twice and misses (“Did you declaw your Marymoo?” “No, he’s vicious”), but the gnaw keeps biting.
    • 1:27:38 Soot’s second swing is a nat 20 (“She finally does it!”). Huey survives: “I’m up. Woo!” “Barely.”
62. 1:29:07 Soot: “Not for me. I’m the best… It’s not because I am deeply insecure on the inside and my entire village hates me.” GM: “You are on the verge of your teenage years too.” Soot: “I’m a troubled youth.”
63. 1:29:44 Huey skedaddles. “They call it skedaddle.” He drops haste, casts invisibility on himself, warps 15 ft with the boots, and creeps over to Gerald.
64. 1:30:25 Selling the Pegasus. Huey crouches invisible by the box: “Hey, hey bud, I’m in a real tough spot right now. This steed looks mighty tasty, you wanna buy it?”
    • Gerald: “Ah, fuck, why do you keep, your people keep bothering me today.”
    • A long claw wraps around Flamewing and drags the whole Pegasus into the box. GM: “we don’t know what happened to the Pegasus when it went inside the box.” Soot: “It becomes Flanium.”
65. 1:31:58 The Amulet of Health. Gerald comes up picking his teeth with a long claw, flicking bits out: “Fucking here, take this, whatever.” He throws Huey the Amulet of Health; Huey’s Constitution becomes 19 and he heals 20. Huey: “Thanks, partner.” GM: “An orb of un-annihilation!”
66. 1:33:38 GM: “Just go ahead and take the Box of Chaos off the map.” The box is removed.
67. 1:34:08 The golem fights the grandmas. It can’t see the invisible Huey, so GM: “you could count the grandmas.” “He’s going to have to fight Sophia.” “This is what happens when you throw your meemaws into the arena.”
    • It slams the first grandma (still standing).
    • It slashes Dorothy with its sword; she collapses, dead.
    • It walks into the middle, ignoring the fire, and breathes poison on Blanche: “not a lot of grandmas have really great constitutions.” Blanche “just burns up and dice up.” Blanche is dead.

Round 5: the Cube in play

68. 1:37:16 Soot: “Is this the final round? Make it happen.” He uses healing light for the full 5d6 pool and gets only 9: “Truly horrifying.”
69. 1:38:09 Blindsight vs invisibility. Soot saw the Pegasus eaten and knows where Huey is. The Arbiter first says blindsight doesn’t detect invisibility, then rules it does, as a special magical sense, within its 10-ft range.
70. 1:39:35 Friends. Soot tries to slide underneath the golem “real cool-like… because I’m wicked cool. And people like me.”
    • Huey: “Do they?… How many friends do you have?” Soot: “My animal companions?”
    • GM: “Those aren’t friends if you capture them. If you have to keep them close by keeping them in locked boxes, those are not your friends… Captured animals are not your friends.”
    • Soot: “You’ve just broken my perception of reality.” GM: “Take all that anger and rage… Channel it.” “I’m an angry boy.”
    • The golem doesn’t perceive him. He can’t reach the 45 ft to Huey.
71. 1:41:44 Throwing the Cube. Soot reads out the item: a hole in the multiverse that obliterates all matter it passes through. “So I’m gonna throw it at you.”
    • GM: “do you count as an artifact?” Huey: “If only… being an alchemist, I don’t think I’d deal with very many artifacts.”
    • Soot: “I do not want to know what happens when a person covered in different substances gets pulled into a black hole.” “Well, you don’t have to throw it at me then.” “No, I’m gonna.”
    • Huey sidesteps it with a dirty 20 (“a filthy 20”). The Cube now sits between Huey and Lilac. Marymoo misses: “We need more training!”
72. 1:45:51 Lemonade. Huey: “when life gives you lemons, you throw some lemonade.” He casts catapult on the Cube of Annihilation to fling it at Soot.
    • The Arbiter: it’s uncontrolled, so he needs an Intelligence check; does he want to know the consequences? “Nah.” Huey clicks the wrong Intelligence, then fails.
    • The sphere moves 10 ft toward Huey. He fails the Dex save and takes force damage, left at 16.
    • GM: “your feathers get plucked out one by one, getting sucked into the sphere, hurting each time as you lose a little piece of yourself.” “You indeed look rather leathery.”
73. 1:48:59 Huey casts Healing Word, which drops his invisibility. He moves to dangle off the edge beside Lilac.
74. 1:50:04 Lilac’s drink. Huey offers Lilac an experimental elixir he’d saved for himself: “I made this little experimental elixir. You want a little?”
    • Animal handling 11: she’s hesitant but gives him initial trust. It makes her swifter (+10 ft speed, 10 temp HP).
    • She flaps her wings faster and the heat rises. Everyone is sweating. GM: “Just douse yourself in Axe.” Soot: “I’m a teenage boy… I’m going to take off my shirt because it’s too hot.”
    • GM: “Lilac feels great and is not sure what to think of this Gohan-shaped character in front of her.” Soot: “I’m just a kid who’s overheating… it’s a safety [issue].”
75. 1:52:20 The golem melts. Christopher, superheated by the fire, falls apart into molten pieces. Soot fails the save and takes 21 fire (“That’s nothing”). The golem is out of play.
76. 1:52:57 GM: “Murder each other. This time around, I mean it.… Go to the extremes.” Huey: “not for lack of trying.” “Try harder.”

Round 6: Soot’s end

77. 1:53:33 Sacred flame. Soot casts sacred flame: “this beautiful blasting light from my Lord and Savior… it flies out like a flying squirrel, but it’s flame.” It attaches to Huey’s face for 5 radiant. GM: “Leatherface indeed… the name was prophetic.” Soot: “If he wasn’t leathery before, he is now.”
78. 1:55:11 The jump. Soot runs at Huey at the edge and must jump over the Cube between them. He rolls another nat 1 on athletics. “How have I rolled so many nat 1s today?”
79. 1:55:56 He “entirely forget[s]” the black hole and steps into it. A critical: 68 force damage (Huey: “one away from being so nice”). Soot: “I did it to myself.”
80. 1:57:08 Soot’s last words. As he dissipates particle by particle:
    • “I start thinking about all the things I could have done better. Like my mom used to yell at me, I make poor decisions.”
    • “I could have cast false life on myself. I could have been a better fighter. I could have made more friends in my life.”
    • “But at the end of the day, I only became a warrior a year ago when I turned 11.”
    • “And maybe one day the gods will bless me and I will come back and maybe I won’t be a troubled youth. Maybe I’ll be… A great warrior. The very best. Like no one was before. Thank you.”
81. 1:57:59 The Grandmaster, tears streaming, comes down and closes the Cube of Annihilation: “We wish you well on your next journey.”
82. 1:58:40 Victory. She confirms Huey is no longer invisible (“Big no.” “It’s 4am”), raises her hand: “You have won, champion. Join me as we go see the acolytes.”
83. 1:58:54 Huey looks wistfully at where the Cube was: “I see now that the circumstances of one’s birth is irrelevant. It is what you do with the gift of life that determines who you are. Well, time to party.”
84. 1:59:13 Marymoo’s revenge. She flies Huey up into the sky. He has no feathers left and “definitely look[s] like a roast chicken,” mainly the face. Marymoo is still on his face and alive, still nibbling.
    • 2:00:05 Soot: seeing “Marymoo’s one true friend, because Marymoo was never in a cage just like Pikachu,” annihilated, the squirrel “will go into what I can only describe as a rage.”
    • GM grants advantage: Marymoo “claws across all of Huey’s face with every inch of energy he has.” It hits, with Huey at 10 HP, for 7. Soot gives Marymoo a voice: “Mary Mew! Mary Mew!”
85. 2:02:01 The drop. “In absolute fear that Marymoo has just popped out out of nowhere,” the Grandmaster drops Huey’s hand. He falls 40 feet.
    • Arbiter: “You’re with the hamsters now.”
    • Huey: “You think I could doff my armor quick enough and use my Owlin ability to fly?” GM: “You could try!”
    • Marymoo just glides down peacefully. Huey goes “splat.” Huey (player): “Dude, I hope Marymoo wins.”
86. 2:03:08 Seeing the mess, the GM: “Well, I think that’s it.” She bids the Acolytes good night, tells Doug it’s time to head back, and walks through the portal “now with no other champion except for Marymoo,” with the Arbiter, as the Acolytes cheer.

Epilogue: the throne room

87. 2:03:08 In the throne room, the Grandmaster flings off her cloak and throws her sword to Thomas the Goblin, who catches it. A string of goblin knights lines the wall to greet her.
88. 2:04:18 Behind her come Doug and the Arbiter, “both in chains,” hauling the giant Box of Chaos. GM: “probably one of the best that I’ve seen… These whole past few matches… really top notch.” She collapses on her throne.
89. 2:04:57 The chains come off. The Arbiter drops the box and slumps into his chair beside the Grandmaster: “It’s been a long season… I feel like you and I have kind of mended some fences as well, and maybe these chains are about ready to come off… I’ve been on very good behavior.”
    • GM: “You actually have been… I’m quite thrilled with the amount of blood spilled.”
    • She snaps her fingers and the chains unsnap: “beautiful charter marks… lighting up each of the rings of the chain before disappearing… in a beautiful glitter bomb.”
90. 2:06:01 The leathers return. The Arbiter snaps his sackcloth clothes back into his black leathers with spikes and skulls and his Italian leather boots. “That’s what I’m talking about.” GM: “the squishy shoes are back.”
91. 2:06:23 GM: “You’ve really, you know, proven yourself to be worthy of your position. I’m proud of you. It reminded me back of… when you were first… stepping into this role. You really had to prove yourself then, and you’ve done it again.”
92. 2:06:55 Arbiter: “I know we had our differences there for a moment. You really can’t blame me… It’s kind of what I do.” GM: “now you know that I am not weak and not to be trifled with.” Arbiter: “You have proven yourself to be a worthy Grandmaster once again. And yes, I was mistaken.” GM: put that at the very top of “our journal of notes” for recapping each Deathmatch.
93. 2:07:33 Planning next season. The Arbiter takes notes:
    • More blood.
    • Feathered dinosaurs, “historically accurate”: T-Rex arms are “more like wings,” to educate the children of the realm.
    • Lightning and hail together, “a two for one deal.” The Arbiter snaps and lightning and hail fall all over the throne-room floor, then vanish. GM: “you could have said yes instead of making a mess of my throne room.” The carpet is still a little wet. Arbiter: “I’ve been out of practice for a little bit.”
    • GM: “It’s time for you to step up a little bit more.” Arbiter: “we’ve got the chinchillas, but I always kind of wanted to see more mongoose play.” GM: catch them “in small little balls… claim them as familiars.”
    • An eating contest; GM adds drinking and vomiting contests, all at once. It goes in “the workshop section.”
    • A gauntlet, “maybe two.”
    • A “vacation deathmatch… like the Bahamas”: “it’s always… a haunted forest, the Shadowlands, a snowy mountain.” GM: “Cemetery, people died here… We need to kill them where no one has been killed before.”
    • A circus (“We’ve never had a deathmatch in a circus”). GM: “the surface of the sun?” “I don’t see why not.”
94. 2:10:41 Timmy. GM: “we’ve been to space, but we did kill Timmy.” Arbiter: “Timothy… he’ll be remembered.” GM: “He was a good mayor.” Arbiter: “commemorate him in a t-shirt.”
    • They don’t know whether they sent flowers (“We probably shouldn’t go back just in case”).
    • Add to the list: a holiday gift basket with fresh fruit shaped like flowers. Arbiter: “sorry we got your mayor and savior killed?”
95. 2:11:39 She snaps up a golden goblet; red wine pours from the sky into it. She takes a long sip.

The return of the Shadow King

96. 2:11:59 The box burns. The Box of Chaos rumbles. Its purple and yellow flames turn red and black, the box chars and singes, and the flames now give off heat.
    • “Grandmaster, have you, what’s happening?” “Arbiter, did you do something to the box?” “No, not recently.”
    • She grips her throne: “Is it cursed, transforming… You’re my mage on hand, what is this work?”
97. 2:13:04 The Arbiter falls. Walking down the stairs toward the box, the Arbiter slows as if lethargic.
    • Chaos lightning in all colors, “the same color as the chaos storms across the void,” crackles around him.
    • A dark shadow emanates out of his body “as if a shadow is leaving.” “Something’s… Something’s wrong, Grandmaster.”
    • He falls on his face. The lightning and shadow form a cloud that is sucked in through the box’s keyhole.
98. 2:14:13 The massacre. The lid flips and black and red fire blasts out with immense heat. A dark shadow bounces like lightning between ceiling, walls and pillars. One by one, every goblin soldier and knight in the room slumps with slit throats and stab wounds, dead or dying at her feet.
99. 2:14:56 “Show yourself.” She stands on her throne and draws Oathbow.
100. 2:15:07 A familiar whisper from behind her head: “Hello, Elusia.” The Shadow King stands over her shoulder. Elusia: “Uncle.”
101. 2:15:41 The Shadow King’s account (his claims, verbatim in Quotes): - Vythorn, “hungering for knowledge and power, thought he could use me,” but the Shadow King was using him “this entire time… clouding his mind against you.” - Vythorn “saved a piece of me.” The Shadow King had “for a time… forgotten who I was.” - He rebuilt his body from the offerings made to the box: “A toe, a hand, a foot, cryptocurrency… Magic the Gathering cards. Event after event, sacrifice.” - His aim: “reclaim my throne and we might serve together as it was always intended.”
102. 2:16:56 Elusia: “do you think I will vacate this throne… You’ve decided to come out of your box.”
103. 2:17:07 The Arbiter’s power. Shadow King: “Over the years, the Arbiter has taken my knowledge and my power. Vythorn. He’s grown more powerful himself… And in fact, he’s just given me a great gift. Increasing my power ten times what it ever was.” - Black shadowy chains rip up from the floor onto Elusia’s limbs and throat and drag her out in front of him. - He steps into the throne.
104. 2:17:55 “Uncle, what are you doing?” “Nothing but reclaiming what was stolen from me.” “You mean what you stole from my family?” “Child, your family is my family. We are blood, which is why I forgive you. But it is time for childish things to be set aside and us to join forces.”
105. 2:18:31 Dozens of Dragon Knights step out of the shadows of the pillars and walls.
106. 2:18:47 Elusia struggles: “After I usurped you, you think I would willingly just choose to what? Follow your lead all of a sudden? The Void has been doing well. We’ve been thriving.” - Doug growls and barks, showing his “sharp little pug teeth.” Shadow King: “Yeah, you weak, vile creature. You don’t belong in my throne room.”
107. 2:19:35 He snaps and every drapery and banner burns in shadowy black-and-red flame. The room goes dark “as it once was the first time that you entered this throne room.” “Now that we’re making things more at home. I think I’ll get rid of this first.”
108. 2:19:35 The Arbiter’s sacrifice. - The Shadow King’s hand becomes a blade of shadow thrust at Doug. - The Arbiter, risen from unconsciousness, intercepts the blow. The shadow blade goes through his chest and heart. “Run, run, Doug, run.” - 2:20:50 Doug yips and scampers between the Dragon Knights and out through a small doggy door.
109. 2:21:04 “The Arbiter, once known as Vythorn, the Endless Scholar,” stands with the blade through his chest. Shadow King: “Well, I guess I got more than I bargained for, but it’s a fitting end for a treacherous fool.”
110. 2:21:26 Elusia, still chained, reaches for him: “Vythorn, don’t give up. Don’t give up.”
111. 2:21:38 The Shadow King pulls the blade out and kicks the Arbiter to his knees, blood pouring with every heartbeat. Looking up at her: - Arbiter: “I am sorry for so many things.” - Elusia: “Why?” - Arbiter: “For knowledge.” - He falls on his face, dead.
112. 2:22:21 Shadow King: “Well then, daughter, shall we?” The chains pull Elusia down unwillingly until she kneels, both knees and one hand on the ground, toward the Shadow King. “That’s so much better. Welcome and good night to D20 Deathmatch!”