First appearance: S2E15 — Black Hole Sun — Professor Stabbz v Mad Cass O Weary · watch it on YouTube
Mad Cass O Weary was a tiefling monk with glowing yellow eyes, a wide puckish grin and a blood alcohol content that bordered on a superpower. He was pulled into the Void as an emergency replacement and faced Professor Stabbz in a small, doomed town. Cass turned the match into a whirlwind of a headbutted barrel, eaten glassware and betrayal. He lost, but he went into a black hole laughing with his middle finger raised, and he has reportedly been haunting his opponent’s dreams ever since.
Story
S2E15 — Black Hole Sun — Professor Stabbz v Mad Cass O Weary
Cass never meant to be a champion. When the scheduled fighter’s “portal provider was down,” the Arbiter grabbed Cass at the last minute and pushed a contract in his face. Cass explained his response: “I used it to wipe my ass and then staple it to his head. Does that count as a signature?” He came through a water portal into the Grandmaster’s bathroom in the Dread Fortress, where she had just finished a losing battle to bathe Doug. He arrived furious and confused. He chugged a glass of her mouthwash “like a freaking boss,” announced that he hated people with cool names, and promised to take apart his opponent with “a stern gaze, a very, very high blood alcohol content, and these!” He was holding up his empty fists. At the table, his player admitted he had stepped in about ten minutes before the show, mid-jog, and sprinted home to build Cass.
The arena was a quaint little town that smelled strongly of wet dog. Professor Stabbz, a goblin academic, kept to the rooftops and threw psychic daggers from a safe distance. Cass took a different approach. When the Acolytes pelted the field in a dodgeball chaos event, he swayed like a drunk and slapped everything away. He caught a glass of milk, drank it, ate the glass, and threatened the dwarf who threw it. He headbutted open a barrel, drank what was inside from his cupped hands, and revealed he had arrived “19 drunk” on a scale of one to 20. When the ground turned to lava, he simply walked across it. He then grabbed the Box of Chaos by its handle and dragged it across the lava and up a wall. When Gerald, the shadowy thing inside, objected, Cass slammed the lid on him: “If I want to listen to an asshole, I’ll fart!” The carved “G plus V” heart on the lid, Cass decided, stood for gin and vodka. This turned out to be a costly mistake. When he threw the box open where he guessed the invisible Stabbz was hiding, Gerald took one look at Cass, decided “this guy’s a dick,” and slipped Stabbz a spell scroll for free.
Cass hit back by producing a boomerang (“You Australian!” cried the Grandmaster) and, through sheer drunken luck, clipped the unseen professor in the jaw. When Stabbz tumbled off a tightrope, Cass stepped off the roof with his hands in his pockets, landed softly beside him and grabbed his dainty ankle. Then came the con. Cass put an arm around him and said, “You and I, we’re friends.” Stabbz, who had always wanted a friend, believed him completely and told Cass his entire life story. Cass listened to every word, nodding along without caring at all. As soon as Stabbz walked past him, Cass hip-threw him into the lava, promising “a new stabbing technique from where I come from.” Stabbz retaliated by freezing him with a spell. Cass beat his own head against it until he was knocked out cold, then kept fighting on pure brawler’s reflex, unconscious and eyes shut. He scaled a wall, dragged Stabbz back into the lava with a backflip, and loomed over him in the fire and dirt.
Bored by the stalemate, the Arbiter opened a black hole in the middle of town, and it swallowed the lava, the buildings and everything else. Cass planted his feet against the pull, clamped Stabbz in a scissor hold with his legs, and lashed out with a mane of hellfire from his mohawk. He kicked the professor in the jaw as the black hole hurled him back in. But the pull had dragged Cass to the edge, and Stabbz finally read Gerald’s scroll: an eighth-level sunburst. The fire woke Cass up. He looked at his hands as the flesh peeled from the bone, laughed like a lunatic, and gave Stabbz the finger as he was sucked into the vortex: “Fuck you, Stabby Man! I’m gonna come for you in your nightmares!” His face became a laughing skull, his jaw fell away, and his raised middle finger was the last part of him to vanish. His boomerang was left lying on the ground. The Arbiter picked it up and walked into the black hole after him.
In the after-show it was established that Cass did keep his promise. Burned alive in another dimension, he has become a Freddy Krueger figure: “You’re dead, but you’re still here. Forever.” Professor Stabbz now stays up for days on coffee, and as he dozes off he hears laughter drifting in from another dimension.
Personality and Abilities
Cass looked the part of a nightmare even before he became one. He had glowing yellow eyes, a grin that was all that showed of him in a shadowed alley, and a mohawk that flared into a long punk-rock mane of orange, red and pink fire when he struck back at an attacker. His player summed him up as a monk who is “actually really dumb and not wise,” “legitimately a violent sociopath,” and “the epitome of like drunk redneck energy.” At the table, the Grandmaster’s player added that he was “the heart of a barbarian.” He was permanently drunk, and he traced his drinking to the day his dad “went out for some cigarettes.” He ate glass as a matter of routine, hated anyone with a cool name, and had a chiropractor appointment coming up.
For all that, he was a frighteningly capable fighter. He swatted thrown objects out of the air, walked on liquid (lava included), ran up walls and drifted gently down from rooftops. Being a tiefling made the fire hurt less. He fought with fists, grapples, bar-room throws and a razor-sharp boomerang. His “drunk luck” let him hit things he couldn’t see, which the Grandmaster declared a unique instance and the Arbiter credited to a liver trained “his entire life for this.” He didn’t fight to stun people. He hit them until they stopped moving, and he had clearly done it punch-drunk and unconscious before. Stabbz put it best: “He’s so drunk, yet still so competently mean.”
Relationships
- Professor Stabbz: His opponent. Cass befriended him, heard his whole life story, then threw him into lava. Now he haunts the professor’s nightmares.
- Gerald: Cass stole his house and told him to shut up. Gerald was so offended that he handed Cass’s opponent the scroll that killed him.
- The Arbiter: Recruited Cass with a contract that ended up stapled to his own head. He loved how angry Cass was, then opened the black hole that ended him.
- The Grandmaster: Cass drank her mouthwash. She gave him a squad of fawning cheerleaders while he stood in the lava, told him “You’re so hot,” and blessed his final moment: “May your anger fuel you and shield you.”
Memorable Quotes
- “I’m gonna put my foot so far up your ass, I can pick my [toenail] clippings from your mouth!” (Black Hole Sun)
- “On a scale of one to 20, I was 19 drunk.” (Black Hole Sun)
- “Good thing I didn’t wear my fucking good shirt today. Shit! I’m too fucking sober for this shit.” (Black Hole Sun)
- “Hey, man, listen. You don’t have to worry about me. You and I, we’re friends.” (Black Hole Sun)
- “Fuck you, Stabby Man! I’m gonna come for you in your nightmares!” (Black Hole Sun)
- “Fuck that! Give me another Guinness!… Stabby… I’ll see you real fucking soon.” (Black Hole Sun, Dried Blood)