First appearance: S5E5 — Frigid Fedoras — Kyle Stoddard v Frigidoom · watch it on YouTube
Kyle Stoddard is a fedora-crowned swordsman from Isekai-dom, played by Banzai Baby, who fights for the honor of his beloved Princess Sakura-chan, “the purest of all maidens.” He arrives with a trench coat full of merchandise, a ceremonial Mountain Dew toast, and a katana he sheathes again after every single swing. He fought twice, and he won both times. His victories came less from swordplay than from his overwhelming kawaii intensity, which wore his opponents down. By the end of his second fight, King Bofus was asking whether he could “elect to have a stroke and just fucking die.”
Story
Frigid Fedoras
Thea pulled Kyle into her old bedroom in The Dread Fortress, which the Lord of Fate had turned into his office, with a refrigerator monster named Frigidoom beside him. This was S5E5 — Frigid Fedoras — Kyle Stoddard v Frigidoom. Kyle greeted his hosts with “My lord, my lady.” He explained that his fedora was the pinnacle of the Uru Shido Code, then ripped open his jacket to reveal Princess Sakura on his shirt. “She makes my heart go doki-doki,” he said. The Lord of Fate replied, “I fucking hate my job.” Kyle’s only wish was to get home and keep Sakura-chan safe. Then he ran “the most fastest way possible” through the portal to an asteroid in the orange ring of a swirling purple planet.
Kyle opened the fight with hospitality. A fold-out table appeared, and he poured Frigidoom a Mountain Dew for “the ceremony of the dew.” Frigidoom answered with ice cubes of questionable color and a carton of moldy lo mein, which Kyle ate in one bite because “it was a gift.” The fridge then spat up a chunky salsa of acid and radioactive oil, with moldy cheese, onto the Sakura shirt and tried to clean it with an acidic jelly arm, which only made the damage worse. Kyle rallied after that. He shook off the poison and charged with his arms swept back, and Frigidoom fumbled his defense. Then Kyle delivered a speech on kawaii-dom so stirring that Frigidoom fumbled again, twice in a row. Later he cut Frigidoom’s prized rainbow magnet mustache in half. He immediately apologized and assured everyone the cut was no slight against the rainbow’s meaning: “That is not very awoo of me.” Thea filled the sky with a giant rainbow in response.
The fight swung back and forth. Frigidoom hid as a pristine, innocent-looking fridge, so Kyle plastered him with cheap bundle-pack stickers. When Kyle tried to pour 7 Up on him as the ultimate insult, Thea flew in and slapped the can away: “We are strictly Sierra Mist here.” At The Box of Chaos, Kyle traded a posable Sakura figurine (“Lulu, I heart you”), which made Thea vomit over the side onto an Acolyte, for his favorite snack, cheesy poofs, and kept the cheese dust in his beard “for snacks for later.” The box had already given Frigidoom a small blue pill to “keep you going all night long.” A blade-out-behind running slash sprayed gravy and fruit punch from Frigidoom’s seams. Kyle’s next showy uppercut then went badly wrong and sliced off part of his own beard and fedora. “In this pursuit of vanity,” he lamented, “I made myself into a Chad.”
He recovered with a song (“Fighting evil by moonlight…”), survived a mechanical-bull chaos event whose “sexual energy” wore both fighters down, took a hit from Frigidoom’s radioactive Mountain Lightning vomit cannon, and changed into a fresh shirt in a Sailor Moon-style spin. This one had its sleeves cut off, though never through her image. He kissed his number one Sakura figurine for strength. Then he vanished and reappeared behind Frigidoom with his signature line: “Nothing personal, kid.” He carved a lucky star into the fridge’s back and gave the pouting Thea a star wand and the title of honorary kawaii. The end came from the second chaos event: after all that Mountain Lightning, both fighters had to roll to keep from pissing themselves and releasing their bowels. Kyle had “cultivated my sphincter.” Frigidoom had not. He pissed and shit himself to death, with his last thought: “I should have never eaten that damn blue pill. It didn’t last four hours.” Kyle refused to gloat (“A true warrior never gloats over a victory”), saying only that “Frigidoom has been isekai’d to a better place” and “Truck-kun, guide your way.” The Acolytes threw cherry blossom petals.
Froggy Style
Kyle was “summoned again to defend… Princess Sakura” in S5E14 — Froggy Style — Kyle Stoddard v King MAN FROG Bofus. His opponent was King Bofus, a frog king who had been rebuilt with an adamantium skeleton and wanted nothing more than permanent death. Since his last visit, Kyle had covered a whole house in Sakura’s image. He also handed out holographic pamphlets for his order, the Simperi. Thea offered him a Princess Sakura waifu pillow as a prize. He accepted, though “she is too holy for me to touch.” Then he ran laps around the fountain in The Duck Village and pushed up glasses he wasn’t wearing. Meanwhile, Bofus slammed his head into the paving stones.
Bofus opened fire with a shotgun loaded with live frogs. Kyle blocked the first blast with a Mountain Dew can, then set up the ceremony anyway: “Go ahead and do the dew.” Bofus drank it and decided it “tastes like health bubbles.” Then Kyle flipped the table and attacked. His sung slashes only shredded Bofus’s mask, but one low cut split the O of the Peloton tattoo honoring Bofus’s lost friend, Dick Twist. Kyle’s Axe body spray made Bofus throw up, and when Kyle came in for a hug, Bofus projectile-vomited into his face. The acidic frog vomit dribbled onto the collector’s shirt Kyle had waited 12 hours for, which left Sakura looking like she’d been crying. Kyle used his “Look over there!” teleport and followed it with a secret Naruto “oil check,” a poke up Bofus’s butt (“Get out of my butthole,” Bofus squealed), until Thea duct-taped Bofus’s butt cheeks together. Kyle stopped at once to make a point: “Remember, consent is always key… Nothing sexier than yes.” Bofus called it “the hardest 180 I’ve ever seen.”
After that the fight got stranger. “Defend your own butthole,” Bofus answered, and sent a cha-cha line of hundreds of frogs straight for Kyle’s butt. He also pulled out a Sakura body pillow and made out with it, which brought Kyle to his knees in horror. When Bofus collapsed into self-pity, Kyle sat him down and told his origin story. He had been at his lowest after watching Ash fail for 20 years, until a goddess, Sakura-chan, came to him, and he got in shape for her. He gave Bofus a chibi figurine and pitched dental coverage and a fragrance line for the whole frog nation. Bofus was briefly sold, until he heard about the fedoras: “I have a crown.”
Bofus came back hard. The Box of Chaos gave him a ring that once belonged to the Lord of Fate, and then the bow of the Grandmaster, which he turned into a second frog shotgun. Kyle answered with four Mountain Dews and a can of “Sahara Mist” that left Kyle, Bofus and Thea all vomiting into the village fountain. He tried pocket glitter, which missed because Bofus’s frog eyes were “too small for your glitter!”, and a parkour spin attack that ended with Kyle sliding to Bofus’s feet and getting punched in the balls. He also showed his bottomless pockets of merch: “There is no bounds.” Finally, he waved a magic wand and transformed piece by piece into Princess Sakura herself, then stayed in full cosplay for the rest of the fight. He weathered a saucer abduction by The aliens, whose probing of his already-sensitive butthole cost him, and dodged frogs in a falsetto (“No for me please-oo!”). Even the Lord of Fate couldn’t stand it and handed Bofus back his shotgun. Bofus’s final shot misfired as his rebuilt body gave out, and it blew his own frog head off. His last thought was “At least I didn’t die a nerd.” A new pillow floated down from the spaceship to Kyle. He topped Bofus’s head with a pocket fedora and wore it as an accessory. Then he welcomed Thea into “the Noble Simpori” as one of his woo-woo warriors.
Personality and Abilities
Kyle is a well-muscled man with a patchy beard and greasy hair, though he calls it a “noble, muscular beard.” He wears a fedora, a long trench coat or cape, shorts, and sandals with socks. Under the coat is a signed Princess Sakura shirt with the sleeves cut off. He would rather rub crystals under his arms than shower, and he relies on Axe body spray. He is unfailingly polite: he asked Frigidoom whether he preferred “Kun or Chan,” refuses to gloat, and apologizes the moment he thinks he has given offense.
He fights with a katana and sheathes it after every swing, “for a blade is always dangerous whenever it is out of its sheath,” just in case invisible innocents are nearby. His moves come with their own sound effects (“shing”). His signature techniques are “Nothing personal, kid” and “Look over there!”, both of which put him behind his enemy, plus the occasional Naruto-inspired butt poke. He also has his own theme song, “Kyle Kuhn.” His jacket pockets hold seemingly endless supplies: Mountain Dew, energy bars, Taco Bell, stickers, glow batons, glitter, handkerchiefs, and dozens of Sakura figurines. Under pressure he can transform, magical-girl style, into a pristine outfit or into Sakura-chan herself.
Relationships
- Frigidoom: His first opponent. They shared a Dew toast before the fridge ruined his shirt and he cut its rainbow mustache in half.
- King Bofus: His second opponent. Kyle tried to recruit him into the Simperi before Bofus’s own shotgun killed him, and he now wears the frog king’s head as an accessory.
- Thea: She brought him to both fights, cheered him on, became an honorary kawaii, and was finally initiated as one of his woo-woo warriors.
- The Lord of Fate: He presided over both bouts with growing despair.
Memorable Quotes
- “She has both the looks, the happiness, the woo-woo factor. She makes my heart go doki-doki.” (S5E5)
- “Nothing personal, kid.” (S5E5)
- “In this pursuit of vanity, I made myself into a Chad.” (S5E5)
- “Frigidoom has been isekai’d to a better place.” (S5E5)
- “Remember, consent is always key… Nothing sexier than yes.” (S5E14)
- “By words of Sakura-chan, keep following your heart, awoo-oo-choo!” (S5E14, Dried Blood)