S5E5 — Frigid Fedoras — Kyle Stoddard v Frigidoom

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On an asteroid circling a purple planet no one had ever visited, Kyle Stoddard, a katana-wielding warrior in a fedora sworn to the honor of Princess Sakura, fought Frigidoom, a sentient atomic refrigerator full of carnivorous leftovers. It began with a ceremonial Mountain Dew toast, took in a mechanical bull, a blue pill and a great deal of moldy takeout, and ended with a refrigerator pissing and shitting itself to death. As the Lord of Fate put it afterward, one bodily fluid is as good as the next.

The Story

An Office Where a Bedroom Used to Be

The night opened in The Dread Fortress, where little Thea, a small pink imp, buzzed down the castle hallways on her tiny pink wings looking for her boss. She found the Lord of Fate in her own room, which had been stuffed with file cabinets and papers, with goblins stepping over all of it. “It was your bedroom, but now it’s my office,” he explained. Her belongings had gone into a single box, and she was welcome to sleep in the box next to it.

Every file in the room, he told her, was a formal complaint about her performance. Thea objected that last time he’d given her five stars, which she knew “because I had a really hard time getting it off of my forehead because you carved it in.” One complaint came from a farmer who said she had tried to steal his pig’s feet. She denied it, then argued that even if she had, a pig only needs two feet: “That’s called science.” The Lord of Fate suggested she stay inside the Fortress, since Deathmatches technically counted as “within the bounds of the Dread Fortress… cosmically speaking.” Thea objected that the Fortress wasn’t big enough for her two new champions, and she had just cleaned it. Then she came up with a better idea: “We’re gonna go to space!”

Two Champions, One Fedora

With a clap she opened a window onto a swirling purple gas planet ringed with orange meteors, a place “where no one has ever been before, but supposedly there’s some beings that could potentially live on it.” A second clap and a puff of pink dust brought in the champions. The Lord of Fate eyed them: “I’m a little curious about anybody who would wear a fedora to a Deathmatch, but the other one seems like it’s just a refrigerator.”

Kyle explained that the fedora was the pinnacle of the Uru Shido Code. Then he ripped open his long jacket to reveal a shirt bearing Princess Sakura, “of the Kawaii Code, the purest of all maidens,” who made his heart “go doki-doki.” Thea admitted hers was going doki-doki too. The Lord of Fate simply said, “I fucking hate my job.”

Frigidoom introduced himself in turn:

Frigidoom: “I am Frigidoom. I have survived nuclear testing, your mother’s Thanksgiving dinner, and the leftovers you forgot about three weeks ago. I am here to consume and keep your food fresh.”

Kyle’s wish was to return to Sakura-chan and keep her safe. Frigidoom wanted pig’s feet. Thea had only managed to get two, though maybe four “if I find another pig.” The Lord of Fate told her no. Frigidoom dragged himself through the portal, leaving a slime trail of old grease and leaking oil, and Kyle ran after him, cape flying. “I’m curious to know which is greasier,” the Lord of Fate mused, “that fridge or his hair.”

The Ceremony of the Dew

The arena was a chalky, cratered asteroid in the orange ring. The champions could leap to other asteroids but had no hope of reaching the planet without rockets. The Lord of Fate spread his white wings, flew out to address the Acolytes and asked if they were ready to drink the blood of the innocent. Thea said she would. “That was a trick question. You’re all psychopaths.”

Kyle opened with honor. He produced a little fold-out table from nowhere and invited his foe to share in “the ceremony of the dew,” pouring Frigidoom a Mountain Dew. Frigidoom sniffed it, detected high fructose corn syrup and possibly Doritos, and returned the courtesy. A gelatinous tentacle opened his door, releasing an absolute stench of rot, and offered two ice cubes of questionable color: “To chill your drink, brave sir.”

Thea asked for flavored ice too and waited with her mouth open, like at a hibachi grill. Frigidoom obliged from his patented ice machine with a perfect natural 20, and a firehose of crushed ice, food bits and bacteria buried her in a giant popsicle. “That doesn’t always happen,” Frigidoom said. From inside the ice came a small “I’m okay!” Kyle passed her a Mountain Dew, and a frozen hand cracked through to sip it.

Gifts Turn to Violence

Kyle asked, politely, whether his opponent preferred “Frigidoom-kun” or “-chan.” Frigidoom said he had “some leftover chans in here,” and offered a yellowed container of spoiled lo mein labeled “Chan’s.” Kyle felt it would be rude to refuse a gift and ate it in one bite. A fizzy sensation spread down his throat, as if he were dissolving from the inside out.

Frigidoom then announced that he intended to eat Kyle, whose “Dorito fingers and Mountain Dew body” would refuel him. When Thea asked where his mouth was, he swung his door wide. Inside was a pulsating mass of pizza, casserole, teeth and possibly an eye, all fused into one ravenous organism. “Everything that is goes in here and comes out again eventually.” The Lord of Fate wanted to know why Thea’s champions went from old people to children to “multiple monsters bent on consuming.”

Then Frigidoom spat a chunky salsa of acid and radioactive oil onto the Princess Sakura shirt. Kyle clenched his fist. Frigidoom offered to fix it with his cleaning cycle, but his jello arm was acidic and made the shirt sizzle. Kyle found his feet, declared that while Frigidoom wasted his days on gym drinks he had cultivated inner strength, and charged with his arms swept back. Frigidoom fumbled his defense on a natural 1, then fumbled again, back to back, during Kyle’s speech on how “kawaii-dom is the essence of all that is good and pure in this world.”

Kyle also had a habit of sheathing his katana after every swing and drawing it again with a crisp shink. “Seems wildly inefficient,” said the Lord of Fate. Kyle explained that a drawn blade might hurt innocents. The Lord of Fate pointed out they were in space with no one for thousands of miles. Kyle replied that there could be invisible forces: “You can feel it in the wind.” In between, Thea learned of yet another complaint: Mrs. Humphrey from down the street said Thea had been rolling her children down a hill. They were wearing white, she reasoned, which is an absolute calling for grass stains.

I Studied the Blade

Frigidoom tried to force gnarly pepperonis down Kyle’s throat, but Kyle’s stomach held firm (“No unsolicited pepperonis”). Molten pizza rolls got through, burning his gut and the roof of his mouth. Kyle recovered with a Mountain Dew and a Taco Bell enchilada, adding his own sound effects, and asked why Frigidoom’s moves didn’t come with sounds. Frigidoom hummed his little motor. Kyle spun “by the power of Sakura,” sang his own theme song, and told his foe, “While you were out partying, I studied the blade… My body is the temple.” Frigidoom looked at the Taco Bell wrapper and said, “Right. Temples.”

Then Kyle sliced Frigidoom’s collectible rainbow magnet mustache in half on another Frigidoom natural 1. Realizing how that might look, Kyle stopped to assure everyone it was not hate toward anyone, since Princess Sakura is all about love. Thea clapped a giant rainbow into the sky over the asteroid belt for everyone. She also earned a sixth star, which the Lord of Fate carved into her forehead with a pen. “I’m pretty sure you’re gonna have six gold scars,” he said.

Frigidoom swore revenge: “You have stolen my joy from me, and now I will steal everything from you. Your Doritos, your Fritos, your UwUs, your anime, your waifus.” He grew morning-star arms of chicken wings and stale crust, called Kyle a “salty weeaboo,” and missed. Then he drew in all his slime and disguised himself as a perfectly ordinary refrigerator. Kyle answered by covering him in horrendous bargain-pack status stickers. He was about to deliver the ultimate insult, a 7 Up, when Thea slapped it out of his hand: “We are strictly Sierra Mist here.” The Lord of Fate announced he needed to walk away for a minute. Thea told him, “If you have to go poo poo pee pee, you only have to say that.”

The Box of Chaos

The Acolytes summoned The Box of Chaos. It streaked in like a meteor, flipped open in pink and yellow fire, and a shadow peered out over the rim. Frigidoom burst out of his disguise, furious about the stickers (“I don’t even have hands”), and traded them away. The box swallowed them, to Thea’s dismay: “All the toes and dentures and tax books and now all the stickers too.” The Lord of Fate offered to make her a box. She asked whether he meant give her one or turn her into one. “Who could say?” She backed away.

Frigidoom received a small blue pill that would “keep you going all night long,” letting him push himself further before collapsing; if the Deathmatch lasted longer than four hours, that was his problem. His chrome shell doubled and hardened, and Thea shrieked, “He’s too hard! He’s too hard!” Soon a whirlwind of “grade A GMO” tentacles burst out at Kyle, who was quick to clarify that he was “not of the Hentai clan.” Kyle offered the box his precious posable Sakura figurine, the one that says “Lulu, I heart you,” and Thea threw up on an Acolyte named Julia. In return the box gave him cheesy poofs, his favorite snack, and he saved some dust in his beard for later.

Kyle then landed a running slash on a natural 20, and like the blood spray in an anime or samurai film, gravy spilled from Frigidoom’s seams and a soda can detonated, spraying red fruit punch everywhere. Pushing his luck with one flourish too many, he rolled a natural 1 and sliced off part of his own beard and fedora. “Not the fedora!… I was too arrogant.” Worse, in this pursuit of vanity, he declared, he had made himself into a Chad. “Does anybody know what the fuck anyone is talking about tonight?” asked the Lord of Fate.

The Bull and the Final Release

Thea, overwhelmed, called a chaotic event. The planet blurred into neon, the ground turned sticky, a PBR appeared in each hand, and a mechanical bull rose beneath each champion in a puff of cigarette smoke. Both stayed on (“No amount of sticky floors and PBR can stop me”), but the pure amount of sexual energy it took to stay on the bull left both of them drained. “Everyone knows that bulls are sexy,” Thea explained.

The ride had also shaken up Frigidoom’s insides. He found ruptured cans of Mountain Lightning, “the great pretender,” and turned them into a radioactive vomit cannon. Kyle transformed into a fresh, signed, sleeveless Sakura shirt, kissed his number one figurine for strength, faded from sight and reappeared behind his enemy: “Nothing personal, kid.” Frigidoom took it very personally. Kyle carved a lucky star into his back and gave the pouting Thea a star wand of her own.

The second chaotic event was the end. After all that Mountain Lightning, both champions desperately needed a place to release their bowels and had to try not to piss themselves. Kyle had “cultivated my sphincter.” Frigidoom rolled a natural 1. He pissed himself and could no longer hold in his own bowels. Asked what went through his mind as he began to piss and shit himself to death, he answered: “I should have never eaten that damn blue pill. It didn’t last four hours.” His shell softened, and the old refrigerator keeled over into a pile of gravy, pizza rolls, moldy food, his own waste and his own torn rainbow. Kyle told Thea that Frigidoom “has been isekai’d to a better place.” Thea pulled his plug, promised he would be remembered “at a later time,” and threw him through the portal back to the Fortress. Kyle refused to gloat, wished his foe a noble journey (“Truck-kun, guide your way”), and the Acolytes threw cherry blossom petals that drifted down despite their being in space.

Dried Blood

In the locker room of the Dread Fortress, a team of goblins in hazmat suits cleaned up Frigidoom while one of them threw up in the corner. Whether he was revived wasn’t said. His player clarified that Frigidoom is an atomic fridge, “powered by radiation and rotten food,” and that his bat wings are part of the mutant-fridge look.

Notable Moments

• Frigidoom opened with a natural 20 on a for-fun ice attack and froze Thea in a giant popsicle.
• Kyle re-sheathed his katana after every single swing, for the protection of invisible innocents.
• The Lord of Fate carved Thea’s sixth gold star into her forehead with a pen.
• Kyle’s natural 1 cost him part of his own beard and fedora and, by his own account, turned him into a Chad.
• Thea slapped a 7 Up out of Kyle’s hand because the arena is “strictly Sierra Mist.”
• Frigidoom rolled a natural 1 on a roll not to piss himself, and shit himself to death.

Memorable Quotes

• Kyle Stoddard: “She has both the looks, the happiness, the woo-woo factor. She makes my heart go doki-doki.”
• The Lord of Fate: “I’m curious to know which is greasier, that fridge or his hair.”
• Frigidoom: “Everything that is goes in here and comes out again eventually.”
• Kyle Stoddard: “While you were out partying, I studied the blade… My body is the temple.”
• Thea: “We are strictly Sierra Mist here.”
• The Lord of Fate: “Thea, if you want, I can make you a box.”
• Frigidoom: “I should have never eaten that damn blue pill. It didn’t last four hours.”
• The Lord of Fate: “Acolytes, I promised you blood and death and… one of the two I guess is gonna have to do and… one bodily fluid is as good as the next.”

Who and What Appears

Characters

Kyle Stoddard (Banzai Kyle). A well-muscled swordsman (YouTube blurb) in a fedora and long jacket/cape, with greasy hair (per the Lord of Fate) and a patchy beard.

• Devotee of Princess Sakura (Sakura-chan), “of the Kawaii Code, the purest of all maidens.” He wears her shirt: sleeves cut off, signed, and never cut through her image. He needs to get back to protect her.
• Follows the Uru Shido Code (spelling uncertain). His fedora is the code’s “pinnacle.”
• Wields a katana and re-sheathes it after every swing so innocents aren’t hurt.
• Gives Mountain Dew as a ceremonial warrior’s toast. Has a fold-out table and endless jacket pockets: cards, figurines, a fan, glow batons, stickers, energy bars, a Sakura hanky, a posable Sakura figurine with a “Lulu, I heart you” button, and a number one Sakura figurine he kisses.
• His moves come with sound effects. He has a theme song (“Kyle Kuhn”) and a signature move, “Nothing personal, kid” (fades out of sight and stabs from behind). He does Sailor Moon-style transformations and is not “of the Hentai clan.”
• Favorite snack: cheesy poofs.
• Sliced off part of his own beard and fedora with a nat 1 and briefly feared he had become “a Chad.”
• Gave Thea a star wand and made her an “honorary kawaii.”
• Won the match.

Frigidoom (Kyle Calrissian). A sentient refrigerator monster (blurb), all one unit with no separate freezer.

• An atomic fridge powered by radiation and rotten food. Survived nuclear testing. Has bat wings, chrome exterior and knob feet, and leaves a slime trail of grease and oil.
• Has gelatinous (jello, acidic) tentacle arms and a patented ice machine that shoots ice from the eye slit.
• Inside is a living, carnivorous mass of food with teeth, an eye and a mouth. “Everything that is goes in here and comes out again eventually.”
• Has a cleaning cycle, and is “the omni appliance that’s gone wrong.”
• Lost his collectible rainbow magnet “mustache” to Kyle.
• A child’s drawing on his door is by “a victim that loved Frigidoom” (there was a birthday cake).
• Wanted pig’s feet if he won.
• Took the Box of Chaos blue pill.
• Died of a sixth fatigue after soiling himself during the Mountain Lightning chaotic event. Thea unplugged him and threw him back to the Dread Fortress, where goblins in hazmat suits cleaned him up.

Thea (Caustic Phoenix). A small pink imp with tiny pink wings.

• Her bedroom (earlier a “large closet” he gave her) was converted into the Lord of Fate’s office, and she now sleeps in a box.
• Is the subject of formal complaints: a farmer’s pig’s feet, and Mrs. Humphrey’s children rolled down a hill.
• Collects the gold stars the Lord of Fate carves into her forehead. She had five and got a sixth here.
• Wants employee of the month.
• Picked both champions and the space arena. Rolls the end-of-round d20s.
• Was frozen in a popsicle by Frigidoom’s ice. Vomited on the Acolyte Julia. Is “strictly Sierra Mist.” Got a star wand. Ended the night by pulling Frigidoom’s plug.

The Lord of Fate (Mudcat).

• Has white wings. Took Thea’s room as his office.
• Sharp with her and threatens to “make you a box,” though he still gives her stars.
• “I fucking hate my job.” Repeatedly baffled by the champions.
• Rolls the Box of Chaos and the chaotic events.

The Box of Chaos. It arrives like a meteor, with pink and yellow fire, shadowy fingers and “the hand of the blackened soul.”

• Has previously taken “toes and dentures and tax books,” per Thea.
• “This is the one I’m missing” on taking the Sakura figurine (speaker uncertain).

Princess Sakura / Sakura-chan / Lady Sakura. Kyle’s beloved, unseen. Her image is on his shirt and his figurines.

Acolytes named: Julius (asks about the drawing), Julia (vomited on by Thea), Ryan (“Barley”) (giveaway winner).

Other off-screen figures: the farmer and his pig; Mrs. Humphrey from down the street and her children (who wear white); the Dread Fortress goblins.

Places

• Thea’s former bedroom, now the Lord of Fate’s office in the Dread Fortress, with a huge desk and complaint files.
• The purple gas planet with an orange meteoric ring. No one has ever been there; beings may live on it. The fight is on a chalky, cratered asteroid in the ring.
• The bull-ride illusion: a dive bar with sticky floor, PBR and cigarette smoke.
• The Dread Fortress front office and locker room.

Items

• Mountain Dew (“the dew”) and the ceremony of the dew.
• Frigidoom’s offerings: questionable ice cubes, Chan’s lo mein, pepperonis, pizza rolls.
• Mountain Lightning cans, “the great pretender.”
• Status stickers, which went into the Box of Chaos.
• The small blue pill: fatigue limit six, hardened chrome.
• The posable Sakura figurine, which went into the Box. The number one Sakura figurine is kept.
• Cheesy poofs.
• The rainbow magnet mustache, Thea’s magic rainbow, Thea’s star wand, and Thea’s notebook.

Lore statements

• Deathmatches count as “within the bounds of the Dread Fortress… cosmically speaking.”
• Thea can open portals by clapping, and found these champions “out in the wild.”
• Earlier S5 champions included old people and children (per the Lord of Fate).

Full Round-by-Round

Every beat of the episode, with timestamps (click to expand)

Opening: Thea’s room becomes an office

1. 0:05:04 In the Dread Fortress, little Thea flies down the castle hallways on her tiny pink wings. “Where is he? He’s late.” She checks one room, then the bathroom. The Lord of Fate calls out that he’s in his office.
2. 0:05:32 “It was your bedroom, but now it’s my office.” Thea finds her converted bedroom filled with file cabinets, with papers all over the floor and goblins stepping over everything. The Lord of Fate has put all her things in one box, and she can sleep in the box next to it. Thea notes he’d earlier been “so generous by giving me this large closet, and then you took it back.” She perches on the edge of a massive desk that takes up almost the whole room.
3. 0:06:31 — The complaints. Every file and box in the room is “formal complaints about your performance.” Thea protests that last time he gave her “like five stars! I could tell because I had a really hard time getting it off of my forehead because you carved it in.”
4. 0:06:55 — The farmer’s pig. A farmer claims Thea tried to steal the feet of his pig. Thea denies it, then argues that even if she did, “the feat of a pig is not needed at least at four levels. They only need two… That’s called science.”
5. 0:07:19 The Lord of Fate suggests she stay inside the Dread Fortress and not go out in the Void. Deathmatches still count, since they’re “within the bounds of the Dread Fortress… cosmically speaking.” Thea panics: the Fortress isn’t big enough for the two champions she pulled in, and she just cleaned it. She darts about with her thinking cap on: “Where’s bigger?”
6. 0:08:12 — Space. Nose to nose with him: “We’re gonna go to space!” She claps, and a small portal opens like a window onto a beautiful swirling purple planet with giant gaseous forms, circled by an orange meteoric ring. “It’s a planet where no one has ever been before, but supposedly there’s some beings that could potentially live on it,” and they could “hang out in the rings.” Lord of Fate: “I’ve seen worse.”
7. 0:09:00 — The champions. Another clap and a puff of pink dust make a second portal. Thea knows he critiqued last time’s champions as “too young or too old,” but he’ll want to see these two “pound each other real hard into the asteroid dirt”: Kyle Stoddard versus Frigidoom. They walk into the small office with the ridiculous desk. Kyle: “My lord, my lady.” Thea bows.
8. 0:10:09 Lord of Fate: “I’m a little curious about anybody who would wear a fedora to a Deathmatch, but the other one seems like it’s just a refrigerator.”
9. 0:10:36 — Kyle’s introduction. Kyle explains that his fedora is “the pinnacle” of the Uru Shido Code (spelling uncertain): “the classic brim, aerodynamic and fully supportive… to look at one’s enemy.” He rips open his long jacket to reveal Princess Sakura, “for she is of the Kawaii Code, the purest of all maidens.” Thea asks what makes her pure: “She has both the looks, the happiness, the woo-woo factor. She makes my heart go doki-doki.” Thea: “I think my heart’s going doki-doki too.” Lord of Fate: “I fucking hate my job.”
10. 0:11:55 — Frigidoom’s introduction. “I am Frigidoom. I have survived nuclear testing, your mother’s Thanksgiving dinner, and the leftovers you forgot about three weeks ago. I am here to consume and keep your food fresh.” Thea asks whether he’s a top-freezer or a bottom-freezer: “It’s all built in.”
11. 0:12:43 Lord of Fate: “I suppose it’ll have to do. I’ll reserve judgment.” Thea insists they’re fantastic: “when I found them out in the wild, people were already running away from them.”
12. 0:13:06 — Wishes. Kyle needs to get back to Sakura-chan: “No danger shall be in her presence while I am here.” Frigidoom: “I heard something about pig’s feet. Are there any pig’s feet here?” Thea promises to grant the winner’s wish “to the best of our desire.” She was only able to get two pig’s feet, but maybe four “if I find another pig.” Lord of Fate: “No. No.”
13. 0:13:41 Thea enlarges the portal: “I will promise it won’t hurt and I’m pretty sure there’s enough atmosphere that you can breathe.” Frigidoom drags his large metallic body across the floor, leaving a toxic slime trail of old grease and leaking oil. Kyle whips his long cape back and runs “the most fastest way possible” into the portal.
14. 0:15:15 Lord of Fate: “I’m curious to know which is greasier, that fridge or his hair.” Thea wonders whether that makes them flammable.

The arena

15. 0:15:29 “Welcome, Acolytes! We are here in space, space, space, space.” (Caustic Phoenix: “I’m really into the echo thing today.”) Thea urges the Acolytes to cheer and they scream “Yes!”
16. 0:16:03 The champions stand on a large asteroid in the orange, dusty belt ringing the planet. The ground is chalky, with craters all around that count as difficult terrain. No other living creature is on it. They could jump to other asteroids, but couldn’t reach the planet without rockets.
17. 0:16:53 The Lord of Fate unfurls his white wings and flies into space to address the Acolytes: “Are you ready to see some death? Are you ready to drink the blood of the innocent?” Thea: “Yeah, I would.” Lord of Fate: “That was a trick question. You’re all psychopaths.”

Round 1

18. 0:17:40 Initiative: Frigidoom 3 (“a frigid three”), Kyle 11. Kyle acts first.
19. 0:17:54 — The ceremony of the dew. Kyle: “As all warriors must, I invite you to sit down at my makeshift table.” A little fold-out table appears out of nowhere. “We must share in the ceremony of the dew.” He pours Frigidoom’s first, flips a twist bottle remover, turns the bottle twice and pushes it across: “Please, partake before battle.”
20. 0:18:44 Frigidoom rotates over and sniffs: “I smell high fructose corn syrup and… Doritos?” Kyle: “It is of the most essence of the dew.” A gelatinous tentacle opens the fridge door, releasing a smell of absolute rank rot, and pulls out two ice cubes of questionable color: “To chill your drink, brave sir.” Kyle accepts the uncommon offering because they’re “at the neutral table.” The ice dissolves into the bottles.
21. 0:20:01 — Thea gets frozen. Thea asks for flavored ice and stands mouth open, “like at the hibachi grills” waiting for the shrimp. Frigidoom: “Yes, from my patented ice machine.” Multicolored ice shoots like Skittles from the slit where his eyes are. It’s a for-fun attack and doesn’t count as an action, and Frigidoom rolls a nat 20. The ice machine kicks into overdrive “from all of the radiation and all of the stuck food,” and a deluge of crushed ice full of food bits, “maybe creatures,” and bacteria hails onto Thea. She is beaten, bruised and frozen inside a giant popsicle of his “disposed water.” Frigidoom: “That doesn’t always happen. Is she gonna be okay?” Thea, through the cracks: “I’m okay!”
22. 0:22:18 Kyle hands the frozen Thea a Mountain Dew. A frozen hand cracks through to sip it: “It keeps me kind of warm.”
23. 0:22:40 — Kun or Chan. Kyle dabs ceremoniously with his cape: “I will, of course, be honored to fight you, Frigidoom-kun. Kun or Chan? I do not want to assume.” Frigidoom settles on “Kuhn?” and then: “I have some leftover chans in here.”
24. 0:24:26 — The gift. (Kyle appears to let Frigidoom act; the table is briefly confused about turn order.) Frigidoom tucks the Mountain Dew inside his fridge with a sloppy wet gulp and puts out a very yellowed container of spoiled lo mein with “Chan’s” written on it in bright red. “A gift for a gift.” Kyle: “It’s rude to not just immediately eat whatever was given to me.” He scarfs it down in one bite. It’s an attack with poison status, and it hits. A fizzy sensation spreads down his throat, as if his body is dissolving from the inside out. Frigidoom: “This is what happens when you eat moldy takeout Chinese food.” Kyle: “It was a gift. I have to try it at least once.”
25. 0:27:07 Frigidoom: “I am going to eat you. I’m running a little low on fuel in the tank and your Dorito fingers and Mountain Dew body will sustain me.”
26. 0:27:31 — The mouth. Thea asks where his mouth is. Frigidoom stops mid-wobble and opens the door fully. Inside is a pulsating living mass of pizza and casserole, teeth and maybe an eye, foods mashed into one giant ravenously carnivorous organism. Its mouth opens from inside: “Everything that is goes in here and comes out again eventually.” Stunned silence.
27. 0:28:36 Lord of Fate: “Thea, why is it that you seem to just bring champions? First it was old people, then it’s children, and now it’s multiple monsters bent on consuming?”
28. 0:28:57 — The shirt is ruined. Mid-explanation, Frigidoom spits up “a chunky salsa of acid and radioactive oil,” with moldy cheese, onto Kyle’s Princess Sakura shirt. It hits. Kyle: “Not of the Princess Sakura shirt.” Thea: “How dare you?” Kyle clenches his fist.
29. 0:30:17 Frigidoom: “I have a cleaning cycle. I can clean that.” Thea: “Are you GE? You’re just like all appliances.” He’s “the omni appliance that’s gone wrong.” He tries to clean the shirt with his jello arm, which turns out to be acidic, and that is his third attack. It hits by one, and the shirt sizzles and gets far worse. Kyle is down to 12 Fighting Spirit.
30. 0:32:00 — An Acolyte question. Julius asks whether “that child’s drawing” on the fridge shows a victim or a child who once loved Frigidoom. Frigidoom: “A victim that loved Frigidoom, yes… There was a birthday cake involved. It was all very delicious.”
31. 0:32:26 Thea flies in front of Kyle: “Kyle! Look at me! You can do this… You need to land a blow for Princess Sakura!”
32. 0:32:46 — Kyle’s turn. He stands and shakes off the poison. “Frigidoom-kun, while you wasted your days at the gym drinking in all those gym drinks, I cultivated inner strength.” He passes a Mettle save and regains a point of Fighting Spirit.
33. 0:33:53 — The first slash. “I’m sorry for the dew, but it has come down to this.” He whips out his blade, runs at Frigidoom with his arms backwards and takes a full slice, “little lights” trailing the katana. “You have disgraced the honor of Sakura-chan by messing up my most valuable cherished concert [shirt?]. How will everyone know of her cuteness, of her kawaiidom?” Frigidoom rolls a nat 1 on defense, taking extra damage and a fatigue.
34. 0:35:23 — The kawaii rant. Kyle makes a speech as a status-effect attack: “Kawaii-dom is the essence of all that is good and pure in this world. When one looks at pure kawaii-dom, your heart not only goes doki doki, but the inner you grows to be a better person, a manlier person, for you must protect all that is woo and kawaii.” Frigidoom says kawaii is “a flavor… and it makes me grow when I consume it.” Frigidoom rolls a second nat 1 (“back to back”), loses three Fighting Spirit and gains a second fatigue. Thea: “What, did you freeze? Get it?”
35. 0:36:58 — The sheath. “I do not play games with what is a woo-woo.” Every time Kyle moves, he hunches his shoulders, “shinks” the blade from its sheath and attacks, so he re-sheathes the katana after every swing. Lord of Fate: “Seems wildly inefficient.” Thea: “It’s about protection.” The swing ties 6–6, so both take a fatigue. Frigidoom is at three: “I need a factory recall here.”
36. 0:39:04 Frigidoom asks why he keeps putting the sword away. Kyle: “One must not draw the blade unnecessarily, for a blade is always dangerous whenever it is out of its sheath… I do not want innocents to be hurt.” Lord of Fate: “You’re in a deathmatch literally in space. There’s no one for thousands of miles.” Kyle: “There could be invisible forces around us… You can feel it in the wind.” Frigidoom inspects the huge dents in his body: “Yeah, that scans.”
37. 0:40:27 — Thea’s roll and Mrs. Humphrey. Thea throws a giant d20 (15, “respectable in many circles”). Lord of Fate: “Mrs. Humphrey from down the street was complaining that you were rolling her children down a hill.” Thea: “They looked very rollable,” with no sharp edges, and she found a hill. “They were wearing white, and everyone knows that that’s like an absolute calling for grass stains.” She hopes Frigidoom is also a washer and dryer.

Round 2

38. 0:41:39 Frigidoom spends an action to clear a fatigue. He slaps gnarly pepperonis and tries to force them down Kyle’s gob (poison). Kyle: “I have cultivated inside a sanctum of stomach-dum.” Thea: “Everyone knows it’s very rude to stuff your pepperoni down someone’s throat.” Kyle: “No unsolicited pepperonis.” It misses. Frigidoom: “Your stomach fridge may be safe.”
39. 0:43:39 — Pizza rolls. “It cannot stand up to molten cheese and tomatoes from these pizza rolls.” Kyle’s guts burn and so does the roof of his mouth. It hits, and Kyle drops to 9 Fighting Spirit. Frigidoom: “How does the burning sensation of pizza pockets taste?”
40. 0:45:24 — Kyle’s snacks. He drinks a Mountain Dew to clear one status, then scarfs down a Taco Bell enchilada to clear the other, making a Transformers noise. “All of my moves are so cool, I get status sounds. Why do yours not?” He flashes his sword unnecessarily for another sound. Frigidoom has no sound effects, so he hums his little motor.
41. 0:46:37 “By the power of Sakura, I choose myself to feel better.” He spins, maybe with some pocket glitter, and his fatigue is gone. (Caustic Phoenix, at the table: “I’m really wishing for a Sailor Moon transition.”) Kyle’s theme song: “Kyle Kuhn, everyone loves the Kyle Kuhn. As he dips in and splashes and cuts for Sakura Princess-chan! Kyle Kuhn!” Thea wants it on her Spotify playlist.
42. 0:47:53 — “I studied the blade.” A psychological attack: “While you were out partying, I studied the blade. While you were out there eating junk food, I was cultivating inner self. For my temple is a body. My body is the temple.” It misses. Frigidoom eyes the Mountain Dew bottles and Taco Bell wrapper: “Right. Temples… I’m gonna eat you.”
43. 0:49:19 — The rainbow mustache. “You mean you will try.” Kyle slashes to cut Frigidoom’s rainbow in half. Frigidoom: “Not my collectible magnet mustache, no.” Frigidoom rolls another nat 1: a third fatigue and extra damage. “Why do you keep doing this?… This is not very Kyle of you.”
44. 0:50:15 The rainbow lies in shreds at Frigidoom’s “feet.” The table settles that refrigerators have little twistable knob feet, and Thea asks to put tiny cat-paw feet on his. “The rainbow shreds now at the bottom of your feet next to your forgotten shreds of food and magnets.”
45. 0:50:55 — The apology. Kyle does a double take: “Please don’t signify this as hate towards the Ligabud community. I’m a very good supporter… all that love is for love. Princess Sakura-chan is really all about that… I’m very sorry if I offended any members of the community. That is not very awoo of me.” Thea claps and a giant rainbow flies over the asteroid belt: “Don’t ask me how… It’s magic… We’ll have a rainbow for everyone else up above.” Kyle: “I was also told that I have to say, slay down the house, ma’am.” Thea: “Slay! Slay! Slay them!”
46. 0:52:25 — The sixth star. Kyle re-sheathes “for protection purposes.” Thea rolls a 16 (“I’m getting better”) and asks for another gold star. She already has five. The Lord of Fate takes out a pen and carves a sixth star into her forehead. “Six!… I’m just collecting stars like gold stars.” Lord of Fate: “I’m pretty sure you’re gonna have six gold scars.” Thea: “That counts too… once I am top of the employee list and I’ll get best employee of the month.” Lord of Fate: “We’re gonna chat about that, but your review is not… let’s just go to round three.”

Round 3

47. 0:53:39 — Frigidoom’s vow. He looks at the bisected rainbow, “his magnificent joyous mustache,” probably dissolving in the goo at his feet. “You should not have done that, Kyle. You have stolen my joy from me, and now I will steal everything from you. Your Doritos, your Fritos, your UwUs, your anime, your waifus. I will devour them all.”
48. 0:55:02 — The morning-star arms (power-up). Chicken wings, spiked things and stale crusty pizza flow out of the openings where his arms emerge and form pointed appendages, so his arms become morning stars. “He is this stuffed crust, you salty weeaboo.” It misses (9 vs 10), and space dust kicks up. Kyle: “Don’t you know weeaboo is the strongest force you can challenge?” Thea: “It’s true!” (She has no idea if it’s true.)
49. 0:56:20 — Hiding. Frigidoom, with “a bad feeling about this next round,” pulls all his slime inside. The appendages vanish and he looks like a totally normal, brand-new, pristine refrigerator. The hide gives Kyle disadvantage on his first attack. Thea: “Suck it, Kyle!” (speaker uncertain, tagged 03 but likely Caustic Phoenix)
50. 0:57:05 Kyle wipes his face with his “limited edition hanky” of Sakura-chan to clear a fatigue, then powers up: “AHHHHH!” He hits for three at disadvantage. Thea: “Suck it! Non-Kyle.” Frigidoom, still pretending to be a fridge, says nothing.
51. 0:59:09 — The stickers. Kyle pulls horrendous stickers from his jacket and slaps them all over Frigidoom. They aren’t cute anime characters, just stickers that say “negative one status” and the like (“the bundle pack off of Amazon”). It hits.
52. 1:00:11 — 7 Up. “I will do the most insulting thing… I will pour a thing of 7 Up on you. You’re not even worthy of the dew.” Frigidoom fails the save. Thea sprints, flies at Kyle like a small bullet and slaps the 7 Up out of his hand: “We are strictly Sierra Mist here.” Lord of Fate: “It’s not Sierra Mist anymore. They changed it.” Thea: “Because they forgot to trademark it, right?” “Something stupid.”
53. 1:01:21 Thea rolls 16 again (“still above average. So I’m fantastic”). Lord of Fate: “I need a break. I think I just need to walk away for a minute. This is all a little much.” Thea: “If you have to go poo poo pee pee, you only have to say that.”

Break (cut)

55. 1:02:02 A sponsor giveaway “from the sponsors of the Dread Fortress”: Logitech G, a Litra Beam and a Yeti Blackout microphone. “Get a blue slushie.” On return: “Hopefully you’re recharged and have some sense of sanity back after listening to these two blabber on.” The winner is Acolyte Ryan, said “Barley, like the grain.” He should contact the front office at the Dread Fortress “if you make it through this deathmatch.” Thea: “That’s how you have to introduce yourself from here on out.” Frigidoom-player: “That’s how Frigidoom would say it.” “Very guttural.”

The Box of Chaos (Mudcat calls this “round number five”)

56. 1:03:26 “The Acolytes have summoned the Box… of Chaos!” The Lord of Fate raises his hand. A blinking star in the distance shoots forward like a meteor and slams down in front of them. “Since it doesn’t want to slam down the way it’s supposed to, I’ll do it. Boom!” The lid flips open and pink and yellow fire shoots into space. Shadowy fingers creep over the top and the shadow in the box looks around. You sacrifice something with an action to get a magic item.
57. 1:04:41 — The stickers come off. Frigidoom explodes out of fridge mode: “What are these that you put on me? These aren’t magnets. Do you have any idea how long these are going to take to peel off? I don’t even have hands.” Kyle: “They’re waterproof, even.” Frigidoom: “And vinyl. Even worse, my chrome exterior.” He asks to trade the stickers. Lord of Fate: “Why the fuck would you think I’d want those stickers?” Thea: “I’ll take the stickers. I really like stickers.” The box grabs them and pulls them in. Thea: “That box gets everything that I want. All the toes and dentures and tax books and now all the stickers too.”
58. 1:05:57 Lord of Fate: “Thea, if you want, I can make you a box.” Thea: “Like, you give me a box or you make me into a box?” “Who could say?” Thea slowly backs away: “I’ll be fine with just the stickers.”
59. 1:06:38 — The blue pill. “From the hand of the blackened soul floats a small blue pill. This should keep you going all night long for your fight.” It raises his fatigue limit from five to six. “If the deathmatch lasts longer than four hours, then that’s your problem.” His chrome outer shell doubles and hardens: “This will keep your refrigerator running.” Frigidoom: “This is a strange feeling.” Lord of Fate: “You should relax, you seem kind of rigid.” Thea: “He’s too hard! He’s too hard!” Frigidoom: “I don’t know if I can contain it any longer.” The door flies open and even more gelatinous tentacles spill out in a pulsing green mass “like an octopus mouth.”
60. 1:08:27 — Whirlwind of tentacles (power-up). “Bulky and big… this is some grade A GMO right here, baby.” Frigidoom goes for a whirlwind of tentacles at Kyle: “You should have seen enough of those movies to know where this is going.” It hits for three. He uses his last action to clear a fatigue, and the ice machine in his head spills fresh ice. “How was that one, Kyle-woo-woo man?”
61. 1:09:59 Kyle: “This is not that kind of rating here… That is for the hentai, and I am not of the Hentai clan.” Thea: “What’s that?” “Shut up.” Kyle: “Rule 34.”
62. 1:10:23 — The figurine. Kyle runs to the box and offers “one of my most precious editions of Sakura-chan, fully posable and changeable, with different wig settings.” It says a catchphrase at the press of a button: “Lulu, I heart you.” Thea vomits over the side onto Julia, “the first acolyte that she sees.” “This is the one I’m missing” (Mudcat; possibly the box, speaker uncertain). The lid shuts.
63. 1:11:19 — Cheesy poofs. The hand unravels its fingers to reveal Kyle’s favorite snack, which restores three Fighting Spirit: cheesy poofs. “Oh, the marvelous shape, the optimal size of eating in perfect proportions.” He gobbles them and leaves cheese dust on his face and in his patchy facial hair, “for snacks for later.” “It’s the spice of true joy.” He’s back to 8.
64. 1:12:21 “You think you can hide in your box state… Super Saiyan over 9,000.” He slashes (“I imagine every time you do a slash, we get a different camera angle,” says Caustic Phoenix), going “shing, shing, shing.” It misses. “Box-size may have defeated me now.”
65. 1:13:50 — The running slash. Kyle skids back and runs “speedy fast” with his blade held out behind him, cutting as he passes. Nat 20: he regains a Fighting Spirit and deals extra damage. Frigidoom is down to 4. “Like how in anime and samurai movies the blood sprays,” gravy spills from his seams and a soda can detonates, spraying red fruit punch everywhere. Caustic Phoenix: “The food fluids… That is disgusting.”
66. 1:16:02 — Too much showmanship. Kyle swipes his fedora, re-sheathes and unsheathes so “that little bit of blade” shows, says “I’m sorry for doing this to you,” and does an uppercut slash. He rolls a nat 1, gains a fatigue and loses a Fighting Spirit. He miscalculated, and slices off a piece of his own beard and part of his fedora. Thea: “No!” Kyle: “Not the fedora!… The blade was too strong. I was too arrogant… I need to sit down and meditate upon my wrongdoing… In this pursuit of vanity, I made myself into a Chad.” Thea: “A Chad! No!”
67. 1:18:29 Lord of Fate: “Does anybody know what the fuck anyone is talking about tonight?” Thea: “We just have to really hope that they don’t summon a Giga Chad.”
68. 1:18:42 Having “stepped too much into Chaddom,” Kyle breathes to “be a part of the woo” and clears the fatigue. Frigidoom: “Are you okay there? You look like you’re about to pass out.” Kyle sings: “Fighting evil by moonlight. Winning love by daylight. Never stopping for a real fight. I am the one named Kyle Stoddard.” “I feel like a magical girl.”

Chaotic event 1: the mechanical bull

69. 1:19:49 Thea: “I can’t handle this. I need to disrupt something.” The Acolytes have been clamoring for an event all night. Thea asks the Lord of Fate to roll for once (“I have been doing 15s and 16s”).
70. 1:20:20 An illusion: the space grows darker and darker, the purple planet fades and blurs into something like a distant neon light, the ground turns sticky, a PBR is thrust into each hand, and in a puff of cigarette smoke a mechanical bull rises under both of them into a spotlight. “Roll the yeehaw on the mechanical bull.” Both pass the save. Kyle: “I will not succumb to this Chad energy!” Frigidoom: “No amount of sticky floors and PBR can stop me.” They still each take a fatigue “as just the pure amount of sexual energy to stay on this bull consumes your body.”
71. 1:21:48 Thea: “Everyone knows that bulls are sexy… that’s probably why the farmer really doesn’t want us to come back. It’s not because I took their pig’s feet, is it?” Lord of Fate: “I think it has something to do with you cutting off the feet of his pigs.” Thea: “Let’s kick off round number six and ignore what I was insinuating.”

Round 6

72. 1:22:18 Frigidoom uses his heroic surge to reset his status effects. After the bull ride everything in the fridge is shaken up and he’s wobbling: “Oh, I don’t feel so good.” He opens up, and inside there’s no Mountain Dew, 7 Up or Sierra Mist, but ruptured cans of Mountain Lightning: “The great pretender, sacrilege, the evil greens of my day. Sinful!”
73. 1:24:48 Thea: “Even though you’re a knockoff, I appreciate what you’re doing nonetheless. I believe in you, Mountain Lightning.” The “radioactive Mountain Lightning vomit cannon” hurls lime-green evil at Kyle. The first shot misses; a later one hits for two plus a status. (The table works out mid-attack that he lacked the actions for three individual uses.) Frigidoom: “I’m just a fridge, and this Mountain Lightning is trash.” Thea: “That brain of yours is just filled with gross colored ice cubes.” “This is correct. Irradiated food and poison. Delicious.”
74. 1:27:09 — The transformation. Kyle spins with a rainbow effect “like a Sailor Moon transformation” (“Ooh, Kyle, ooh”). His outfit is pristine again, with a new Sakura shirt, and that clears his status. He clears a fatigue by fiercely eating an energy bar from yet another pocket. His jacket flashes open on cards, figurines, a little fan and concert glow batons.
75. 1:28:48 Lord of Fate: “Please tell me that Sakura shirt underneath has the sleeves cut off.” “Of course. But I never damage anything that has any of her image on there,” so he cut around her hair. The shirt is signed. His beard is pristine again too.
76. 1:29:13 — Heroic surge. Air whips around him as he holds his number one Sakura figurine to his heart: “Sakura-chan, I need your strength.” He gives it a delicate kiss and stuffs it in his pocket, regaining five Fighting Spirit.
77. 1:30:09 — The signature move. Kyle crouches low and fades out of existence. In the silence Frigidoom feels breath on his back: “Nothing personal, kid.” Kyle reappears behind him and stabs (+2, and on a hit Frigidoom has disadvantage on his next attack). It hits, 21 vs 11. Frigidoom: “I take this very personally.”
78. 1:31:59 Resheathe, unsheathe, resheathe, shink. Kyle carves a five-star “lucky star” cut, leaving a star pattern on Frigidoom’s back. It ties 12–12 and both take a fatigue. Frigidoom is at four of his six. Kyle: “If you train like me, you could be fast like me.”
79. 1:32:19 — The star wand. Thea pouts in the corner: “He doesn’t get a star. I’m the one who’s supposed to be earning stars in here.” Frigidoom: “I didn’t deserve to be stabbed like this.” Kyle: “You also can be an honorary kawaii… Just for you, you get a little star wand.” Thea swirls around the Acolytes in the stands, waving her star wand and sprinkling dust.

Chaotic event 2: the Mountain Lightning, and Frigidoom’s death

80. 1:34:00 Thea rolls 15 (“in my brain… it’s definitely more than 30”). That’s the second chaotic event of the night, so a failed save costs two Fighting Spirit. After all the Mountain Lightning, “you desperately need to find a place to release your bowels. Roll to not piss yourself.”
81. 1:35:26 Frigidoom rolls a natural 1. Kyle: “I’m so sorry, Frigidoom. I cultivated my sphincter.” (Inferred from that line: Kyle passed. His roll isn’t stated.) “All the garbage builds up and explodes.” Frigidoom gains a fifth fatigue for failing to keep from pissing, and a sixth for the nat 1, “as you can no longer hold in your own bowels.” Frigidoom: “The water lines are clogged.”
82. 1:36:21 Lord of Fate: “As you begin to piss and shit yourself to death, what goes through your mind in your last moments?” Frigidoom: “I should have never eaten that damn blue pill. It didn’t last four hours.”
83. 1:36:46 His hard outer shell softens. The “retired old refrigerator” keels over and flops to the side, components popping out into a mix of gravy, pizza rolls and rancid guts that were “not even your guts… just something’s guts.” He lies in a pile of moldy food, his own waste, and his torn-up rainbow sticker. “My sticker!”
84. 1:37:29 Thea walks up to Kyle: “Is Frigidoom… dead?” Kyle: “Frigidoom has been isekai’d to a better place.” Thea: “I understand.” She pulls Frigidoom’s plug (“we had just the longest extension cord for you”). “You will be remembered. But at a later time.” She lifts him and yeets him through the portal back into the Dread Fortress.
85. 1:38:24 — Victory. Thea: “You have won it for Lady Sakura. She will be so proud.” Kyle: “I won’t [gloat]… A true warrior never gloats over a victory.” Thea tries to note how many “oo-woos” that is in her small notebook and wants it on his plaque. Kyle: “I only mourn and hope that you will be isekai’d in the most noble way, Frigidoom… May your spirit go to the great beyond [?]. Truck-kun, guide your way.”
86. 1:39:17 The Acolytes stand and throw cherry blossom petals, which float down in a soft mirage “despite us being in space.” Thea: “See, Lord of Fate, I told you it would be amazing.”
87. 1:39:38 Lord of Fate: “Acolytes, I promised you blood and death and… one of the two I guess is gonna have to do and… one bodily fluid is as good as the next. Welcome and good night to D20 [Deathmatch].”

Full Dried Blood notes (click to expand)

In character (canon, Dried Blood):

• 1:42:51 Mudcat: “We’re in the locker room of the Dread Fortress, and there’s just a team of goblins in hazmat suits cleaning you up, and one’s in the corner just puking.” Whether Frigidoom is revived isn’t stated.
• 1:41:59 Kyle Calrissian, half in character as Frigidoom: “It feels like a great release… I feel like a brand new fridge man… I think you should just let it all out one day.” He recommends a cleanse: “Purge everything.” Whether this is in character is unclear.
• 1:50:34 Frigidoom’s bat wings are “part of the mutant fridge motif… a fridge of horrors.” Caustic Phoenix suggests he can probably fly. Kyle Calrissian: “This is an atomic fridge… Powered by radiation and rotten food.” This is player-stated design, so canon for Frigidoom.

Out of character (creator notes):

• Mudcat calls Kyle Stoddard’s player “Banzai Kyle” (“There are two Kyles”). Caustic Phoenix calls Frigidoom’s player “Kyle Calrissian.”
• Banzai Kyle’s goal was at least one “cringe and roll-eye moment.” Ideas for later: a Kyle bingo card in the Discord, and a drinking game for fedora tips and sound effects.
• Kyle Calrissian’s biggest surprise was the number of nat 1s after opening with a nat 20 outside combat (“Poor Thea, frozen”), plus “the pure kawaii intensity” of Kyle.
• Banzai Kyle was joking about aiming for the rainbow mustache and was surprised he hit it. Chat asked whether Kyle was anti-LGBT, so he improvised the apology. “No hate crime here.” Caustic Phoenix: “We are allies. Rainbows everywhere.”
• Chat comment from Ryan Barley: “Does Kyle have to defeat junk food to be accepted into the vegan order?” Kyle Calrissian: “That’s world building.” Caustic Phoenix riffs that there must be a whole species of Frigidooms with cultural practices. (This is a riff, not established.)
• Only one hentai mention. Kyle Calrissian promises “the more etchy, sketchy route” if there’s a rematch.
• Mudcat’s favorites: Kyle re-sheathing after every swing, Frigidoom dying the way he did, and above all the ceremonial Mountain Dew toast. Mudcat suggests a future tag-team match with both on the same side. Ideas for that: a fridge-shaped fedora, a fedora magnet, or a Sailor Moon skirt for the fridge.
• Final advice. Kyle Calrissian: “Don’t shit yourselves because you might shit yourself to death… Dysentery is a real thing.” Banzai Kyle: “Always do doki doki things to make your heart go doki doki.”
• Mudcat: “My dog hates this.”