S5E14 — Froggy Style — Kyle Stoddard v King MAN FROG Bofus

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Two returning champions met in The Duck Village for a fight one of them very much did not want. King “MAN FROG” Bofus, rebuilt yet again and openly pleading to die, faced Kyle Stoddard, a fedora-wearing devotee of Princess Sakura-chan who carries more merchandise in his coat than most shops keep in stock. What followed involved frog ammunition, a Mountain Dew ceremony, butt pokes, projectile vomit, a body pillow, a Macarena, a magical-girl transformation, and one of the most undignified deaths the arena has ever seen.

The Story

Before the Fight

The episode opened with the Lord of Fate stalking the hallways of The Dread Fortress, hunting for Thea, who was “constantly not where she needs to be on a Sunday.” He followed a sound of loud, furious clacking to the heart of the fortress, where Thea collapsed behind “an old 1995 Windows computer. Just massive.” She had been told to update their systems and had found more than 10,000 unanswered emails. The Lord of Fate explained that he had checked them. He just hadn’t responded, or even marked them as read.

The emails were mostly complaints from The Acolytes. They wanted more hot dogs, more slushie flavors (“We only have the blue raspberry”), cookies, and cushions for the hard metal grandstand chairs that made their “bum bums hurt.” The Lord of Fate held firm: “that’s why we have one flavor of hot dog and one flavor of slushie,” and the chairs were uncomfortable on purpose, to keep everyone standing. When the subject turned to taxes, Thea asked, “Uh, we do taxes?” It became clear she had been dropping a lot of her responsibilities. She deflected neatly: “I may not be collecting taxes, but I did collect champions.” She clapped, the door became a bright pink portal, and two very familiar faces walked through.

Two Familiar Faces

King Bofus looked haggard. Under the rumpled mask that hides his tiny frog head, bags had been stitched on, and a Peloton tattoo now stretched across his chest. “Again? You have brought me here again? Why?” The Lord of Fate explained that the Acolytes had taken a poll and simply loved watching him fight to the death, and that they had fixed his broken dead body: “It’s a cycle.” Thea had talked to the goblins, who added “some special features.” The Lord of Fate added that Bofus now had an entire skeleton made of adamantium. Bofus accepted his fate: “We’re broken, but we’re ready.”

Kyle Stoddard announced he had been summoned once again to defend the honor of Princess Sakura, unsheathing and resheathing his sword with every attack, because “One must always keep one’s blade sharp at any moment.” Since his last visit he had moved into a house and covered its walls, floors and ceilings in her image. He hailed from Isekai-dom, where Sakura-chan is “the leading princess,” and he handed out holographic, sparkly pamphlets setting out the code of conduct of his order, the Simperi.

Because it was the holidays, Thea announced that the Lord of Fate was promising the winner whatever prize they wanted. Bofus asked the price of permanent death. “If you have to ask, you really can’t afford it,” said the Lord of Fate. Kyle asked only that Sakura-chan’s name be known throughout the galaxy, so Thea offered him a Sakura waifu pillow. He already owned one, but he “could use more.”

Thea led them into the Duck Village, a sweet little town of fruit and vegetable stands around a fountain, whose vendors are used to their stock being thrown around. Kyle ran laps around the tiny fountain to show off his speed, and the Acolytes held up 10/10 signs. Thea was impressed enough to give his first attack a little blessing. Bofus, meanwhile, slammed his head into the paving stones. Thea headed off to collect taxes, the Lord of Fate rose on flared wings, and the crowd in the floating grandstand ripped off their shirts and spilled their “blue and only blue slushies.” The Lord of Fate gave his instructions: “I need both of you to kill each other.”

Frogs and Dew

Bofus won the race to strike first. He paid tribute to his fallen: “my best friend slash enemy… RIP Dick Twist” (Richard Knottley), and his true love Bone Daddy Daddy. Then he introduced his tag-team partner, “12 Gauge Shotgun,” which he pulled from under his mask. Kyle blocked the first blast with a thrown Mountain Dew can. The second landed, and it wasn’t pellets. “It’s frogs. Many frogs come straight at you.” Bofus reloaded by hamfisting his loyal citizens into the gun, screaming the whole time. When he ran out of frogs, he clubbed Kyle with the stock and bellowed, “Why won’t you die?”

Kyle explained that he had allowed those blows out of honor, because before any battle “one must have a Mountain Dew ceremony.” He set out a low table and cans for both fighters, then spun and poured one for his opponent: “Go ahead and do the dew.” Bofus drank it through his mask (“Tastes like health bubbles”) while Kyle recovered from its healing properties. Then Kyle flipped the table and slashed. He sang his attacks (“Fighting evil by moonlight, slice!”), but the head under Bofus’s mask was so small that most swings only shredded the mask. Finally he crouched and spun under his opponent’s guard, carving right through the O of the Peloton tattoo. Bofus was furious.

Buttholes, Boundaries and the Macarena

Thea ruled that the tattoo would now light up whenever Bofus said Dick Twist’s name, playing what the Lord of Fate identified as “the sound of him having a heart attack.” The hosts quietly admitted they had already resurrected Dick Twist to fight again: “Maybe we should inform them that we just keep reviving everybody.”

Bofus lashed out with his enormous frog tongue three times. He missed every time, even when the tongue wrapped right around Kyle. “Being that of the purity that I am, I do not let anyone touch my lips.” Kyle flashed his special-edition Sakura shirt, proclaimed the virtues of crystals over showering, and sprayed a can of Axe body spray. Bofus took one whiff and projectile-vomited into Kyle’s face. The mildly acidic frog vomit began wiping the princess’s face off the shirt until she looked like she was crying. Kyle’s grief-stricken rant about the collector’s item he had waited 12 hours for missed completely, because Bofus had put two small frogs over his ears to listen to “the sweet sound of ribbits, baby.”

Kyle answered with his signature move. He shouted “Look over there!”, teleported behind Bofus and stabbed him between the shoulders. Then he performed the secret Naruto technique: he poked Bofus up the butt. Bofus let out an unnatural squeal, and Thea promptly duct-taped his butt cheeks together, foiling the second poke. “You weird little psychopath. Get out of my butthole,” Bofus screamed. He explained that frogs have a cloaca, so “everything’s coming out of that one hole,” and that his thin lycra wrestler pants tear easily, “or, as it turns out, [when you] shove your fingers up my ass.” Then Kyle stopped, apologized and delivered a sincere lesson: “Remember, consent is always key… Nothing sexier than yes.” Thea clapped from the sidelines, and Bofus called it “the hardest 180 I’ve ever seen.”

The Acolytes chanted for chaos and got the Macarena. A familiar beat blared over the village and the whole crowd danced in sync. Bofus knew the moves perfectly, while Kyle flailed out of rhythm with idol-cheering light batons. Both were worn down, and Kyle came out of it slightly ahead. Bofus looked at his opponent and suffered a full mental snap: “I can’t believe I’ve been reduced to fighting this.”

The Pillow and the Pitch

Bofus took his revenge: “You want to come up my butthole? Defend your own butthole. These come compliments of Dick Twist.” Hundreds of frogs burst from the ground and made a cha-cha line straight for Kyle’s butt. “A brown eye for a brown eye,” the Lord of Fate observed. Bofus then pulled a Princess Sakura body pillow from the frog pile and made out with it, his massive tongue wrapped around her, and Kyle fell to his knees. Bofus made out harder, bending the pillow back “anime style, inches from the floor,” while his own subjects watched in horror as their king sank to this level. When Bofus escalated to punching the pillow, Kyle shrugged it off entirely: being punched by him meant nothing to her.

Bofus sank into despair: “I rule a frog nation. I’ve used it to climb up a butt and punch a pillow today. This is really who I am.” He turned his misery into a shield (“You wouldn’t hit a frogman, would you? Who’s having a very bad day”), and it worked perfectly. Kyle felt bad and sat down for a heart-to-heart. He told Bofus how he had once been at his lowest, until a goddess, Sakura-chan, came to him and said it was okay. He gave Bofus a small chibi figure of her and pitched the benefits of the Simperi: dental coverage, a fragrance line, wrinkle-proof shirts. Bofus nearly converted. Then Kyle mentioned the fedoras. “Not the fedora. I have a crown. I cannot replace it with a fedora. This would be sacrilege.”

The Box of Chaos

After a short break, The Box of Chaos slammed into the village dirt in a column of fire, and its shadowy resident crept out. Bofus sacrificed the chibi figure (“take this tiny piece of shit”). The figure in the box asked, “Didn’t you have a bigger head last time I saw you?” Bofus explained, “It was an entire character arc. But we’re past that now. This is the real me.” In return he received a ring that once belonged to the Lord of Fate, which made him master of time and space for a round.

Things finally went Bofus’s way. He rammed a couple of frogs up the butt of the shotgun (“Honestly, I have a theme”) and then unleashed a tidal wave of frogs. The spirits of Richard Knottley and Bone Daddy Daddy appeared behind him, patting his shoulder. Kyle, unable to strike back properly, drank four huge Mountain Dews from his jacket, gave the last one to Thea, and threw a can of Sahara Mist. The smell made all three of them vomit electric green into the village fountain while a nun crossed herself in the background.

Thea then rolled a perfect 20 for a chaos event, but both champions resisted it before she could even read it out. She closed her scroll and kicked them both in the shins. Bofus snapped back at her: “Maybe if you stopped reading your list and started reading your fucking emails, we’d be a little bit further along.” Thea conceded the point and launched “Thea answers emails,” at gmail.com.

Pure Sakura Princess Powers

Bofus returned to the box, named its little resident Greg, and sacrificed the body pillow. The shadow put on a lab coat and began extracting DNA from it. Bofus was rewarded with the bow of Elusia Skypiercer herself, a weapon that becomes whatever its wielder wishes. He wished for a second shotgun. Dual-wielding, twirling them like an outlaw, he blasted away “For Richard Knottley.” Both fighters were now badly spent.

“Time to get serious,” said Kyle. “While you were studying the way of the party, I was studying the blade.” His pocket glitter failed, because Bofus’s frog eyes were too small for it, and Thea rolled in it until she was a pink sparkly imp. Kyle’s parkour spin attack went disastrously wrong, and Bofus punched him in the balls. Kyle steadied himself by petting a Sakura plushie’s hair, then flashed dimensional pockets stuffed with merch. Then he drew a magic wand: “Pure Sakura princess powers!” Piece by piece, in a cloud of sparkles, he transformed into a frilly, bubblegum-pink Princess Sakura. “Can I elect to have a stroke and just fucking die?” Bofus asked. Kyle stayed in cosplay for the rest of the fight.

A second chaos event sent a silver saucer to beam them up, with a warning that their already-probed buttholes would be extra sensitive. Thanks to Thea’s tape “twixt my cheeks,” Bofus came through unscathed, while Kyle got the worst of it. “Uno reverse,” said the Lord of Fate. “Kyle gives the aliens an oil change.”

The Final Blow

Bofus held the advantage but was barely holding together. One of his frogs now seemed to be wearing a pink wig. His attempt to force the trench coat back onto Sakura-Kyle failed, and although his frogs managed to clothe Kyle in their own skin, the squeeze that followed failed against a voice that only grew higher and stranger: “No frogs, too! No for me please-oo!” Desperate, Bofus begged the Lord of Fate for one more boost. The Lord of Fate had had enough too. “I actually can’t stand this either,” he said, and handed back the shotgun he had borrowed.

Bofus aimed at “this monstrosity’s head”: “Be at peace, son.” He rolled a 1. His rebuilt body, stitched together time and again, could no longer hold itself together. His human hands seized on the gun, a finger jammed into the barrel, and the misfire blew his tiny frog head clean off his body. His last thought was “At least I didn’t die a nerd.”

The head splattered into a greenish-pink mural, time seemed to freeze, and a brand-new pillow drifted down to Kyle from the alien ship. “No one can bust the power of love and together and friendship. Glory be to me,” he declared. He then put a tiny fedora on Bofus’s severed head and wore it as an accessory. “I’m glad I’m dead,” said the head. Thea bowed and asked to join the Simperi for a fedora of her own, and Kyle welcomed her with a boop of his wand as one of his “woo-woo warriors.” The Lord of Fate fled to finally answer his emails, since he couldn’t stand this “for another fucking minute.”

Dried Blood

In the after-show, Kyle, still in his Sakura voice, left the Acolytes with a blessing: “By words of Sakura-chan, keep following your heart, awoo-oo-choo!” King Bofus offered a gracious farewell. He credited Richard Knottley, Bone Daddy Daddy and, regretfully, Kyle for the man, king and frog he had become, and thanked Kyle sincerely for killing him.

Notable Moments

• Bofus’s shotgun fired live frogs, reloaded by hand from his “loyal citizens.”
• Kyle answered Bofus’s opening barrage with a Mountain Dew ceremony that restored his own fighting spirit.
• Kyle paused mid-fight, right after poking Bofus up the butt, to deliver a heartfelt lesson on consent, and Thea applauded.
• Bofus nearly joined the Simperi, until the fedoras reminded him he had a crown.
• Kyle transformed into Princess Sakura and fought the rest of the match in full cosplay.
• Bofus, granted one last chance by a disgusted Lord of Fate, blew his own head off with a misfire.

Memorable Quotes

• King Bofus: “How much is death? Permanent death? Let me die!”
• The Lord of Fate: “If you have to ask, you really can’t afford it.”
• Kyle Stoddard: “Remember, consent is always key… Nothing sexier than yes.”
• King Bofus: “I rule a frog nation. I’ve used it to climb up a butt and punch a pillow today. This is really who I am.”
• King Bofus: “Not the fedora. I have a crown. I cannot replace it with a fedora. This would be sacrilege.”
• Thea: “Thea answers emails at gmail.com. I’ll answer all of your stupid emails.”
• Kyle Stoddard: “While you were studying the way of the party, I was studying the blade.”
• King Bofus: “At least I didn’t die a nerd.”

Who and What Appears

Characters

Kyle Stoddard (Bonsai/Banzai). A returning champion who has been “summoned again” to defend Princess Sakura.

• Looks and gear: a “noble, muscular beard,” fedora, trench coat and shorts, sandals with socks, and a Sakura-chan special-edition shirt. His sword is drawn and resheathed on every attack (“shing”).
• Habits: pushes up nonexistent glasses, holds the Mountain Dew ceremony before battle, uses crystals instead of showering, carries Axe spray, pocket glitter, and dimensional pockets full of Sakura merch.
• Lore: he comes from Isekai-dom. Since his last appearance he has filled a house with Sakura images. He waited 12 hours for his collector’s shirt.
• Origin story: he was at his lowest, watching “Ash” fail for 20 years, until a goddess (Sakura-chan) came to him and he got in shape for her.
• The order: he leads or recruits for the Simperi / Noble Simpori, with pamphlets and a code of conduct. Members get fedoras, dental and a fragrance line, and are “woo-woo warriors.”
• Moves: “Look over there!” (teleport behind), the Naruto “oil check,” and the Sakura-chan transformation via a magic wand.
• Values: consent (“Nothing sexier than yes”).
• In this episode: won. He wears Bofus’s fedora-topped head as an accessory and initiated Thea.

King “MAN FROG” Bofus (Dr. B’s/Dr. Bees). King of “the frog and people people.”

• Body: a tiny frog head under a big, now-tattered mask with bags stitched underneath. He has a man’s body with human hands, a Peloton tattoo across his chest, and a cloaca. He wears lycra wrestler pants.
• Rebuilt and revived: he has been rebuilt “time and time again”; the Lord of Fate says he now has an adamantium skeleton, and the goblins added “special features.”
• His dead: mourns Dick Twist (best friend/enemy) and his true love Bone Daddy Daddy, both lost in earlier fights.
• Wants permanent death.
• Weapons: “12 Gauge Shotgun,” which fires frogs, his “loyal citizens.” Also his tongue, vomit, and the frog tidal wave.
• In this episode: used the Box of Chaos twice, getting the Lord of Fate’s ring and the Grandmaster’s bow (as a second shotgun). He was briefly tempted by the Simperi, and refused because he has a crown. He died by his own misfire at five fatigues. Last thought: “at least I didn’t die a nerd.”

The Lord of Fate (Mudcat).

• Ignores emails (“I checked them”) and runs a one-flavor policy.
• Mentions riots across the Void, “taxpayers’ money,” and that he can “barely afford to feed” Thea.
• Says they keep reviving everybody.
• Borrowed the shotgun, then gave Bofus a power-up out of his own disgust at Sakura-Kyle.

Thea (Caustic Phoenix). A “pink sparkly imp” by the end.

• Found the 10,000-email backlog on a 1995 Windows computer, pushes for slushie flavors, cushions and Pelotons, and has been neglecting tax collection.
• Brought both champions and talked to the goblins.
• Rolls the chaos d20s, duct-taped Bofus’s cheeks, and kicked both champions in the shins.
• Launched “Thea answers emails.”
• Joined the Simperi.

Princess Sakura-chan. Leading princess of Isekai-dom; pink hair; concerts with light shows. Kyle insists she is real.

Dick Twist / Richard Knottley. Bofus’s late friend/enemy, already resurrected again per the Lord of Fate. His name triggers the tattoo’s heart-attack sound. That Dick Twist and Richard Knottley are the same person is inferred, from 0:56:18 “Is Richard Knottley having a coronary?” right after the Dick Twist heart-attack gag.

Bone Daddy Daddy. Bofus’s lost true love.

Greg. Bofus’s name for the tiny black skeleton / shadowy figure in the Box of Chaos. It wore a lab coat to extract DNA from the pillow.

The goblins. They worked on Bofus’s body.

The nun in the Duck Village.

The aliens of the silver saucer.

Places

• The Dread Fortress: its hallways and Thea’s computer room. The Acolytes sit on hard metal chairs.
• The Duck Village: a quaint town with produce stands and a fountain in the square. It was the arena.
• Isekai-dom: Kyle’s homeland.
• The floating ethereal grandstand.

Items

• Thea’s 1995 Windows computer.
• Blue raspberry slushies, the only flavor.
• The Simperi pamphlets.
• 12 Gauge Shotgun (frog ammunition).
• Mountain Dew, Baja Blast, Sahara Mist/Starry, Axe spray.
• The Sakura body pillow, the chibi figure, the plushie and the magic wand.
• Thea’s duct/gaffer tape.
• The ring that once belonged to the Lord of Fate, which made its wearer master of time and space for one round.
• Elusia Skypiercer’s bow, which came out of the Box of Chaos and turned into whatever weapon its holder wanted.
• The new pillow dropped from the UFO.

Lore statements

• Fallen champions are revived to fight again: “we just keep reviving everybody.”
• The Box of Chaos holds a shadowy figure / tiny black skeleton, and gives items in exchange for sacrifices. Repeat uses cost fatigue. This episode it held both the Lord of Fate’s ring and the Grandmaster’s bow.
• Riots are happening “everywhere across the void”; the Lord of Fate “collects money” as taxes.
• A flag thrown on the field lets Thea interrupt uncomfortable maiming.

Full Round-by-Round

Every beat of the episode, with timestamps (click to expand)

Opening — the Lord of Fate, Thea and the emails

1. 0:05:26 The show opens: “Welcome back to the Dread Fortress as the Lord of Fate walks down its hallways once again, always looking for Thea because she is constantly not where she needs to be on a Sunday.” He follows “loud, furious clacking noises” deep in the heart of the fortress.
2. 0:06:06 “Another one?” There is a crash against the wall, and Thea collapses behind “an old 1995 Windows computer. Just massive.”
3. 0:06:31 — The backlog. Thea was tasked with updating their systems and found over 10,000 unanswered emails. Lord of Fate: “I checked them. I just didn’t respond to them… I saw that they were there and then I turned the computer off.” He never even marked them as read.
4. 0:06:57 — The complaints. The Acolytes want more hot dogs and slushies, and more flavors. “We only have the blue raspberry.” The Lord of Fate explains leadership: “a leader doesn’t worry about the interests of the little people… that’s why we have one flavor of hot dog and one flavor of slushie.” Thea pitches a strawberry lemonade slushie.
5. 0:07:40 Thea looks toward the crowd for more suggestions: cookies, cherry slushies, and cushions for the seats. Right now they’re “the hard, really metal chairs” and the Acolytes’ “bum bums hurt.” Lord of Fate: “they’re designed that way. That way they stand up. It’s more exciting.”
6. 0:09:19 — Taxes. “Uh, we do taxes?” “We collect money.” Caustic Phoenix narrates that Thea “has clearly been dropping a lot of her responsibilities.” Thea: “I can’t handle this right now… I may not be collecting taxes, but I did collect champions.”
7. 0:09:51 She claps, and the door becomes a bright pink portal. “Two very familiar faces” walk out. Thea: “Kyle Stoddard versus King Bofus. Hey, look, remember these faces?”

The champions

9. 0:10:15 Lord of Fate, pointing at Bofus: “that face… is smaller than it seems.” Bofus strides forward. Under the mask he still “rumply” wears, bags are now stitched on underneath, and a Peloton tattoo is splashed across his chest. He looks haggard: “Again? You have brought me here again? Why?”
10. 0:10:58 Lord of Fate: “We took a poll, and the acolytes really just enjoy watching you fight to the death… Except for your broken dead body. We fixed that… It’s a cycle.” Bofus: “I’m so broken.” Thea says she talked to the goblins, and they added “some special features”: “All you gotta do is think of it.” Bofus: “the goblins and I’ve had a chat. We’re ready. We’re broken, but we’re ready.” Lord of Fate: “You have an entire skeleton made of adamantium now.”
11. 0:11:55 — Kyle Stoddard. “It looks like I have been summoned again to defend… Princess Sakura.” Lord of Fate notes for reference that “the sword is unleashed and then resheathed every attack.” Kyle: “One must always keep one’s blade sharp at any moment.” Bofus: “And one’s sandals on one’s socks… That is how you fight the dreaded athlete’s wife [foot].”
12. 0:12:43 — The prize. Thea: “the Lord of Fate is promising whatever prize you want at the end, because it’s holidays.” “For what budget?” (speaker uncertain). Thea: she’ll collect the taxes in the village.
13. 0:13:04 — The arena. She claps and leads them into “a quaint little town, very sweet, docile little vegetable and fruit stands all around. It’s the Duck Village… the vendors are used to their stuff being tossed around.”
14. 0:13:33 — Bofus’s wish. “How much is death? Permanent death? Let me die!” Thea: “The sweet embrace of death does have a charge to it. I’ll calculate that at the end for you.” Lord of Fate: “If you have to ask, you really can’t afford it.”
15. 0:14:05 — Kyle’s wish. “All I crave is to dwell by… Princess Sakura-chan. Princess Sakura-chan’s name must be known throughout the galaxy… because she is the greatest of all waifus.” Thea offers a Princess Sakura waifu pillow as his prize. He would be grateful, though “she is too holy for me to touch,” and he is “gladly one of her many simperi.”
16. 0:14:58 — The Simperi pamphlets. Thea writes down the title. Kyle hands out pamphlets with the code of conduct “in this very pretty, princess, sparkly package… very holographic.” Lord of Fate is surprised he doesn’t own the pillow already. Kyle: “I do, but I could use more.” Since his last encounter he has “gone in a house” and decorated the walls, floors and ceilings in Princess Sakura-chan’s image.
17. 0:16:04 Bofus: “You seriously want me to fight this?… It is currently destroying itself.”
18. 0:16:35 — Isekai-dom. Bofus asks which kingdom she belongs to, asking “as a king, a king of the frog people, king of the frog and people people.” Kyle: “where I come from, of Isekai-dom. That is the leading princess.” There’s “a whole host of them” to pick a favorite from, and they hold concerts with light shows. In his universe Kyle is “most strapping of young fellows,” with a “noble, muscular beard, perfect-looking fedora,” and high-quality sandals. Bofus: “I could tell from the trench coat and shorts combo.” Thea: “Maybe it’s a bowling league.”
19. 0:17:40 — The laps. “How else would you be able to run at speeds like this,” and Kyle runs laps around the tiny fountain in the square. Thea is impressed and gives him a d4 inspiration on his first attack. The Acolytes hold up 10/10 signs. Kyle does “the push-up-the-glasses move without actually having any glasses.”
20. 0:18:40 Meanwhile Bofus repeatedly slams his own head into the paving stones. Thea reminds him of “the sweet embrace of death if you succeed.” “Fine. I accept your challenge.”
21. 0:19:04 Thea explains she can’t put the Lord of Fate in the fight because “he would be a big baby about it,” and she has to collect taxes. Bofus agrees about the Lord of Fate: “He’s never answered any of my emails.” Lord of Fate: “I saw them. I just don’t care… My mental health is more important than whatever you need.” Thea “duck stomps” away to gather taxes.
22. 0:19:55 “Because I’m going to, not because you said so.” The Lord of Fate flares his wings and rises. The Acolytes in the floating ethereal grandstand above the village rip off their shirts and spill their “blue and only blue slushies.” Thea: “Knights! Are you ready to see some blood?” Lord of Fate: “I need both of you to kill each other.”

Round 1

23. 0:20:49 Bofus rolls a natural 20 for initiative. Kyle lets him go first anyway: “you are not as noble as me and my cause.”
24. 0:21:12 — The tag team. Bofus mourns “my best friend slash enemy… RIP Dick Twist,” rubbing the Peloton tattoo (“You were a real one”), and “my true love, who I lost in the last battle that I also lost, Bone Daddy Daddy. I miss you. This is for you.” To level the field he makes it a tag-team match: “I’d like to introduce you to my tag team partner. He’s called 12 Gauge Shotgun.” He pulls a shotgun out from under the mask and fires. Caustic Phoenix: “Is that your 12 gauge shotgun or are you just happy to see me?”
25. 0:22:43 The first barrel misses: Kyle throws a Mountain Dew can to block it. “Before the start of any battle, one must have a Mountain Dew ceremony.” He’ll explain on his turn.
26. 0:23:08 — Frog ammunition. The second barrel hits, and “it’s not pellets, it’s frogs. Many frogs come straight at you.” “Finally, I can taste a win.” He reloads, screaming the whole time. He’s “full-on hamfisting them into the gun… He’s not trusted with regular ammo. He uses his loyal citizens.” The third shot misses (“So much animal cruelty.” Thea: “They volunteered for it, I’m sure of it.”). The fourth hits, fired “with a violence that only a frog knows.”
27. 0:25:37 Out of frogs, he flips the shotgun and clubs Kyle on the side of the head with it: “Why won’t you die?” Then: “I can do this, for me, for my people, for Bone Daddy Daddy. Bring it, Kyle.”
28. 0:26:42 — The Mountain Dew ceremony. “I let you have those blows because I am such an honorable person.” Kyle whips out a low table and sets out Mountain Dew cans, one side for each fighter. He opens a can, spins it twice and pours one for Bofus: “Go ahead and do the dew.” Bofus drinks it under the mask, and it comes back out empty. “Tastes like health bubbles.” Kyle’s Mettle save succeeds and he regains a fighting spirit from the Dew’s “healing properties.” The table jokes the frog bullets bounce off like “the worst paintball you’ve ever been to.”
29. 0:29:20 “Now the battle shall really begin.” Kyle flips the table and slices. It hits. Bofus: “The pain lets me know I’m alive.”
30. 0:29:59 — The song. “I will sing you into the sleep slumber of death. Fighting evil by moonlight, slice!” Miss. “Winning love by daylight, slice again.” Miss. His blade only shreds Bofus’s mask, because the head beneath is so small.
31. 0:31:01 Kyle, frustrated, does “one final shing-shing move.” After too many top swipes he spins, crouches and goes under, landing “a slight peck scratch right in the middle” of the chest. Caustic Phoenix: it creates more separation between Bofus’s “very large bulging pecs… getting ready for some surgery.” The sword carves through the O of the Peloton tattoo, and fury rolls over Bofus.

Round 2

32. 0:33:05 — The Dick Twist tattoo. Thea rules that every time Bofus says Dick Twist’s name, the tattoo lights up and a sound plays. The Lord of Fate supplies it: “the sound of him having a heart attack.” He asks Thea whether they should tell Bofus “that we also resurrected Dick to fight to the death again.” Thea: Dick Twist is reliving his death every time the name is said, “so he’s really making those noises. It’s not actually a ghost.” Lord of Fate: “Maybe we should inform them that we just keep reviving everybody… He’ll probably die again soon.”
33. 0:34:29 — Tongue attacks. Bofus’s frog tongue, massively long for the tiny head, lashes out “like a fruit roll-up” three times, trying to blind “King Anime”/“Mr. Sakura Lover”. All three miss. On the third, the tongue wraps around the “Simperi’s body” and the tip tries to flick his eye. Kyle: “being that of the purity that I am, I do not let anyone touch my lips.” Bofus: “his foresight and love for his weird imaginary princess is too great.” Kyle: “Princess Sakura-chan is not fake, she is real.”
34. 0:37:16 — The shirt. The shotgun fires again and ties at 18, and both take a fatigue. Kyle flashes his “Sakura-chan special edition shirt”: “No frog bullets can ever pierce her lovely face.” Thea: now the shirt is sweat-stained. Kyle: “the smell of manliness and dedication.” Dedication smells like “hours and hours of workout with not showering… you just need to rub crystals under your arm.” Lord of Fate: “We don’t have a crystal budget.” Kyle produces a can of Axe body spray and sprays it. Thea is slightly suffocating behind him.
35. 0:39:17 — The vomit. Bofus takes a big whiff and throws up. Kyle comes in for “just a hug,” and Bofus projectile-vomits into his face as a reaction: “This is absolutely your fault.” It hits. The frog vomit is see-through and gelatinous. It dribbles onto the Sakura shirt and, being mildly acidic, starts rubbing off her features, so she looks like she’s been crying.
36. 0:40:40 — The rant. Kyle unloads: “This is the collector’s item… I waited 12 hours for this shirt… This is hand wash only with the OxiClean… dry it in the sun.” It’s a “bore attack,” and it misses. Bofus puts two smaller frogs over his ears: “listening to the sweet sound of ribbits, baby… This anime nonsense can’t even touch me.” Thea: “Don’t let the frogs win!”
37. 0:43:45 — Signature move: “Look over there!” Bofus looks, and Kyle teleports behind him: “Sorry, no offense, kid.” He stabs between the shoulders and hits. Bofus takes the damage and also gets disadvantage on his first attack.
38. 0:45:12 — The “oil check.” From behind, Kyle “pokes the button”, a butt poke he credits to “the great texts of Naruto… their secret Naruto technique.” It hits. Bofus: “This is the opposite of nobility.” He lets out an unnatural squeal. Thea pulls out duct tape and tapes his two cheeks together. Kyle teaches Thea the hand position (“Four is too many”).
39. 0:47:09 The second poke fails, thanks to Thea’s gaffer tape. Bofus: “You weird little psychopath. Get out of my butthole.” Lord of Fate: “I don’t think we’ve ever had that sentence in a Deathmatch.” Thea warns him to remove the tape before expelling anything. Bofus: “frogs have a cloaca, so… everything’s coming out of that one hole.” Lord of Fate is confused, since his lower half looks like a man’s. Bofus: “I’ve still got mysteries, Billy… I’m not the king of these people for no good reason.” He wears thin lycra wrestler pants “like the Ultimate Warrior” that tear easily, “or, as it turns out, [when you] shove your fingers up my ass.”
40. 0:49:04 — Consent. Kyle apologizes and stops: “Consent is really important… Sakura-chan will be so embarrassed by me… Remember, consent is always key… Nothing sexier than yes.” Thea: “I like this side of Kyle… Dude respects some boundaries.” She claps along the sidelines. Bofus: “It’s the hardest 180 I’ve ever seen.”
41. 0:50:10 Thea rolls two end-of-round d20s, a 3 and a 13 (“10 more than last time. And that’s also math”). Lord of Fate: “That averages out to an eight.” “Put it in an email.” “No one reads the email but me!” “Then you’ll get to it in six to eight weeks.”

Chaos event — the Macarena (0:51:07)

42. The Acolytes demand chaos (“Chaos, chaos, chaos!”). Kyle rolls 15. Thea: “We’re all Kyles here.” A familiar rhythm blares from the arena speakers, the crowd falls into a synchronized dance, and everyone yells “Hey, Macarena!” Both fail the Mettle save and lose a fighting spirit.
43. 0:52:49 Kyle doesn’t know the moves and does idol-cheering with little light batons, flailing out of rhythm. Thea: “You’re doing so well, Kyle, but you’re so bad at this.” Bofus understands the Macarena (“He’s not a fucking idiot”) until he looks at Kyle and has a full mental snap: “I can’t believe I’ve been reduced to fighting this.” Thea points out he’s losing, since Kyle has one more fighting spirit.

Round 3

44. 0:54:33 — “Defend your own butthole.” “You want to come up my butthole? Defend your own butthole. These come compliments of Dick Twist. He loved this move.” Hundreds of frogs spawn from the ground and make a beeline for Kyle’s butt “like a little cha-cha line.” It hits, even at disadvantage. Thea reminds everyone that fighters accept maiming, and that “a flag may be thrown onto the field and Thea will interrupt.” No flags. Kyle: “Butthole for butthole continues!” Lord of Fate: “It’s the Hammurabi code… A brown eye for a brown eye.” Caustic Phoenix: “a new take to turning the other cheek.”
45. 0:57:35 — The body pillow. From a pile of frogs Bofus pulls out a Princess Sakura body pillow: “Get in the pillowcase, lads!” The frogs invade it, but it has no effect. Kyle hugs an action figure of the princess: “I know that is not the real [her].”
46. 0:58:57 “I make out with the body pillow.” With his extremely long tongue: “teeny tiny little frog lips, massive tongue wrapped around her… like the Sailor Moon transition.” It hits. Kyle falls to his knees: “How could you defile a princess so cruel? Not to yuck somebody’s yum because I know sometimes people are into Shrek, but oh my god, no.”
47. 1:00:31 With a power-up he makes out harder, bending the pillow back “anime style, inches from the floor,” while all the frogs look on in horror as their king sinks to this level. It misses. Kyle mists Princess Sakura-brand perfume into the air: “It’s better now.”
48. 1:01:49 Second power-up: he punches the pillow. “I know how to hurt the nerds.” Kyle rolls a natural 20 to defend: “if she, of course, falls in love with him, that is the greatest of things… he’s just punching her. That means nothing.” He gains a fighting spirit and an adrenaline. Caustic Phoenix: “Plus ultra. Your body is weakened, but not yet.”
49. 1:03:38 — The pity play. Bofus despairs: “I rule a nation. I rule a frog nation. I’ve used it to climb up a butt and punch a pillow today. This is really who I am.” Caustic Phoenix: “Put that on your resume.” Kyle: “you are of course challenging me, Kyle Stoddard. This is the greatest honor.” “No, it really doesn’t [help], but thanks.” He turns the self-pity into a defense: “You wouldn’t hit a frogman, would you? Who’s having a very bad day.” It’s a natural 20. Caustic Phoenix: “laying their vulnerabilities at the table. It is truly what King Bofus should have been about from the very beginning.” He gains a fighting spirit and an adrenaline. Kyle: “King Bofus is just crying right now,” and Kyle feels a little bad.
50. 1:06:35 — Baja Blast. Kyle sits down for a conversation and offers Bofus “the one from Taco Bell… Baja Blast.” It fails: “Baja Blasting is for carrying people down.” Kyle calls him “Dr. Bees,” and Bofus replies “Use my real name. That really helps.” (Kyle used Bofus’s player’s name here; see table talk.)
51. 1:08:08 — The conversion. Kyle: “I was also down on my lowest… Ash just kept on not winning any tournaments… 20 years of not becoming a master… And then I saw, out of nowhere, a goddess came to me and said, it’s okay… Sakura-chan. She helped me guide my way. So now I got in shape for her.” He gives Bofus one of his smaller chibi action figures of Sakura-chan: “I think we could be good friends… I really like frogs. Sakura-chan says they are very kawaii.” Caustic Phoenix flavors it as “proselytizing of the fandom.” Across four rolls he promises dental coverage, says green and pink go together, and pitches “a very good fragrance line” for the whole frog kingdom and wrinkle-proof shirts. Two hits, 3 damage “for the sheer mental capacity.”
52. 1:11:29 Bofus slowly comes around, raising the figurine: “He’s right. Ash didn’t win anything for 20 years… maybe this is exactly what I need.” Kyle: “We also get very nice fedoras.” “I’m sold! I’m sold!” The fedoras snap him out of it: “Not the fedora. I have a crown. I cannot replace it with a fedora. This would be sacrilege.”
53. 1:12:24 Thea calls a breather “to protect our fedoras or our crowns or our buttholes.” “Ten minutes, everyone!” (cut).

After the break — Round 4

55. 1:12:47 “Welcome back, Acolytes… Kyle with 11, King Bofus with 9. One of them has to die.” “Or both.” Bofus: “as the track record goes, I’ve proven that at least twice… I am still undefeated.” Thea rolls a 4 and, after a pointed look, rerolls a 14: “If I always get a second chance, I always roll better.”
56. 1:14:40 — The Box of Chaos. The box slams into the dirt of the Duck Village, with yellow, pink and purple shooting skyward in a column of fire and the shadowy figure creeping out. Bofus sacrifices the tiny Sakura-chan figure to “the weird little guy that lives in the box, that tiny little black skeleton”: “oh, it’s you again, hello… you’re looking wonderful… take this tiny piece of shit.” The figure comes back up and asks: “Didn’t you have a bigger head last time I saw you?” Bofus: “It was an entire character arc. But we’re past that now. This is the real me.”
57. 1:16:18 — The ring. He rolls 10: “Ring that once belonged to the Lord of Fate. Once you place the ring on your finger for one round, you are the master of all time and space.” Kyle has disadvantage on all attacks this round. The ring goes straight on.
58. 1:16:49 Back to “the old reliable”: “I’m tagging you in, shotgun.” He “rams a couple of frogs up the butt” of the gun. Thea: “I’m beginning to think you might have some anger issues.” Two hits. “What’s with all the frogs and butts?” “Honestly, I have a theme. I didn’t intend for it to happen this way. It’s just who I am.”
59. 1:18:33 — Tidal Wave of Frogs. The shotgun vanishes into a wave of frogs: “I am the Lord of Frogs. Tidal wave of frogs. Get him, lads!” A writhing, slimy wave engulfs Kyle and hits. Kyle: “So slimy and cold… Not the warm embrace of Sakura-chan.” Bofus: “That’s what Bone Daddy Daddy once told me… Squeeze, my beloved subjects. Crush him!” He heroic-surges the next wave for damage, and it hits too. “Too many frogs. On the dance floor.”
60. 1:20:52 As everything finally goes his way, the spirits of Richard Knottley and Bone Daddy Daddy appear behind him “Star Wars style,” patting his shoulder: “good job, kid.” Kyle: “I welcomed you into the Simperi. This is how you repay me?” “Yes, because the Simperi is weird… Come at me, bro.”
61. 1:21:45 — Four Dews. Kyle can only be disadvantaged on attacks, so he skips attacking. He pulls four huge “Mountain Dew plus energy drinks” from his jacket and drinks them. Three of the heals succeed (3 fighting spirit). The Dew drips down his chin; the last one was too much. “You can have my last Dew,” he says, and hands it to Thea.
62. 1:23:10 — Sahara Mist. Kyle throws a can of “the worst vile drink, Sahara Mist” at Bofus. Lord of Fate: “I think it’s Starry now… A whole rebrand.” It ties, and both take a fatigue. Kyle chokes on the smell. Bofus sympathetically vomits, Thea throws up her own Mountain Dew, and all three vomit into the village fountain, “electric green.” “There’s a nun in the background crossing herself.”
63. 1:25:06 — Thea’s nat 20. “That’s definitely a roll that only Thea could do.” It triggers an instant chaotic event, but both champions roll their saves before she reads it out and both succeed. Kyle’s is a nat 20, so he gets a fighting spirit and an adrenaline. Thea closes her scroll of chaotic events and kicks them both in the shins: “It does no damage, but Thea is upset and you should both feel very bad.”
64. 1:26:44 — Thea answers emails. Bofus: “Maybe if you stopped reading your list and started reading your fucking emails, we’d be a little bit further along.” Thea: “She’s got a point.” She announces “Thea answers emails” at gmail.com: “We’re not at Yahoo or AOL… or even Hotmail. I’ll answer all of your stupid emails. Maybe not the way you want.” She stomps off. Lord of Fate: “Everybody wins… One of you is going to die probably.” Thea: “I’ve learned how to use the keyboard and I will make a really cool email signature.”

Round 5

65. 1:28:14 — Greg. Bofus returns to the box and names the tiny man inside Greg. He offers the body pillow, “of no one of any consequence.” A second use of the box costs a fatigue, his third. Kyle: “You also believe in the power of Sakura-chan, because you wouldn’t be giving up such great valuable objects.” Caustic Phoenix: “you giving up your DNA.” Lord of Fate: “The shadow in the box comes up with a lab coat and a set of beakers… begins extracting the DNA.”
66. 1:29:33 — The bow. He rolls 15: “to your hands floats the bow of Elusia Skypiercer, the Grandmaster herself.” He can crit on 19s, and it transforms into whatever weapon he wants. “Frog shotgun. I get a second shotgun.” Now dual-wielding shotguns (“one slightly shinier than the other”), he twirls them like Billy the Kid with his human (not webbed) hands and fires both at “Anime General Major” (Kyle).
67. 1:30:45 Kyle sidesteps twice; Thea credits “the power of fedoras.” The next shot gets a natural 20 on Kyle’s defense. That’s his third adrenaline, so he gains a fatigue but goes back up to 8 fighting spirit. Both are at three fatigues. Bofus fires “For Richard Knottley, they believe in me,” and the third shotgun blast hits: “Thank God for the scatterblast of a shotgun filled with frogs.”
68. 1:32:59 — Kyle gets serious. “Time to get serious. I was just messing with you this whole time.” “While you were studying the way of the party, I was studying the blade.” A power-up of pure yelling while running, plus his d4 inspiration, hits. Bofus: “See why you need the soundproofing on that room now.”
69. 1:34:34 — Pocket glitter. “Everything is fair in love and war. Pocket glitter!” “That is such a bitch move!” It misses: “The joke’s on you, I have tiny frog eyes!… My eyes are too small for your glitter!” Thea rolls around in the glitter and becomes “a pink sparkly imp.”
70. 1:35:19 — The parkour. Kyle runs far away to parkour off the walls for a spin attack and rolls a natural 1. He slides to Bofus’s feet. Bofus: “wait a second. I have seen this anime. I know his weakness. I punch him in the balls.” Kyle loses a fighting spirit and takes a fourth fatigue; five fatigues means death. He clears one by taking out his Sakura plushie and petting her hair.
71. 1:37:36 — The pockets. How many Sakuras does he carry? “I will show you!” He flashes dimensional pockets of Sakura merch, “like 20 on this side, 20 on this side”: handkerchiefs, action figures, fans, pens. “There is no bounds.”
72. 1:38:31 — The transformation. Kyle uses his heroic surge “for funsies.” He takes out a magical wand: “Pure Sakura princess powers!” In a cloud of sparkles his outfit transforms piece by piece, a glove, then another, Sakura’s wig, a frilly princess outfit: a bubblegum-pink dress with a heart and bows, her hair pink. “I am the embodiment of Princess Sakura,” and he fires a “power of love” attack. It misses. Bofus: “Can I elect to have a stroke and just fucking die?” (“Only if you win!”) Kyle stays in Sakura cosplay for the rest of the fight.

Chaos event — the silver saucer (1:40:48)

73. Thea rolls 17; Bofus rolls the flat d20 (8) “so that Thea doesn’t have an aneurysm.” “Zip zap zoom from the depths of outer space, an unidentified flying object hovers above and a silver saucer beams out” to pull them up. “Because your buttholes have already been probed a little bit, be very careful as you’re extra sensitive.” Bofus rolls 19, which crits thanks to the bow. He takes nothing, heals one and gains an adrenaline: “Thank you so much, Thea, for this tape. Twixt my cheeks.” Kyle fails and takes three damage. Lord of Fate: “Uno reverse: Kyle gives the aliens an oil change.”

Round 6 — the death of King Bofus

74. 1:43:19 “Kyle with three. King Bofus with seven.” Bofus: “I could do it… We must make it magnificent… fun.” Another tidal wave of frogs. “One of them looks a little bit like it’s wearing a pink wig. I think you may have converted some of my frogs.” It misses. Kyle in his Sakura voice: “No one can foul me. I am Princess Sakura-chan. I shall dodge all the frogs.”
75. 1:44:50 Lord of Fate: “Can I borrow that shotgun for a minute?” Bofus throws it to him. There’s a reference to “dodging the shotgun from the Lord of Fate” (speaker and meaning unclear). Bofus orders the frogs to put the trench coat back on Kyle (“his outfit is clearly giving him powers”) and rolls a natural 1. Kyle rolls one too: “I am no longer bound by that trench coat, for I am Sakura-chan.” Lord of Fate: “You sound like a good guy doll. Fucking Chucky doll.” Bofus is at four fatigues.
76. 1:46:01 “There’s still every chance.” “Quickly, frogs, use your own bodies to clothe the man dressed as the princess.” It hits: frog skin covers him, “the worst version of Aquaman.” Sakura-Kyle: “I must be pretty, pretty Sakura-chan. Make him slimy, slimy King Bofus-chan.” The squeeze misses: “No frogs, too! No for me please-oo! For I am so coo to-oo!”
77. 1:47:42 — The plea. “Lord of Fate, I’m begging… Can I do anything for you that will let you give me a power-up back? I just need to make this thing die.” Sakura-Kyle: “I do not want to be hurted, woo.” Lord of Fate: “You know what? I actually can’t stand this either. So take the shotgun back and you can totally have a power-up back.”
78. 1:48:25 — The last shot. “With my final action, I am aiming this straight at this monstrosity’s head: be at peace, son.” It’s a natural 1, his fifth fatigue. Caustic Phoenix: “from the very beginning, you have been begging for the sweet release of death… this body that has been rebuilt time and time and time again is no longer capable of holding itself together.”
79. 1:49:42 — “At least I didn’t die a nerd.” His human hands freeze and clutch the shotgun wrong. A finger jams inside the barrel, and when the trigger goes the misfire goes back into Bofus’s tiny head and blows the frog head off the body into the distance. His last thought, as the head separates “from the Frankenstein monster it was created”: “At least I didn’t die a nerd.”
80. 1:50:26 — Victory. The head splatters back into the void, leaving a “greenish-pink mural.” Time almost stands still and the town freezes, but Kyle in Sakura-chan cosplay moves freely in the frozen moment. From the alien spaceship, a brand-new pillow drops down to him (inferred to be his prize, the Sakura waifu pillow Thea offered).
81. 1:51:12 Sakura-Kyle: “No one can bust the power of love and together and friendship. Glory be to me.” He scoops up Bofus’s head, puts a little fedora from his pocket on it, and wears it as “my next cute accessory.” Bofus: “I’m glad I’m dead.”
82. 1:51:46 — Thea joins the Simperi. “Kyle Stoddard, I have learned much in the ways of Simperi. Please accept me, and so I may also receive a fedora.” She bows. With his magic wand Kyle says “I will go ahead and welcome you to the Noble Simpori. You will be one of my woo-woo warriors,” and boops the top of her head. “That’s so cool.”
83. 1:52:33 Lord of Fate: “I’m actually going to go answer those emails, I think… I can’t stand this for another fucking minute.” Thea: “This is unfair. The email only says Thea answers emails.” “We’ll see you later, Acolytes. Welcome and good night to D20.”

Full Dried Blood notes (click to expand)

• In character (canon, Dried Blood):
  • 2:01:03 Kyle (Sakura voice): “By words of Sakura-chan, keep following your heart, awoo-oo-choo!”
  • 2:01:18 King Bofus: “The man, king, frog I am today would be nothing without the help of Richard Knottley, bone daddy, bone daddy daddy, and I regret to say it, Kyle. You are what you are and you can’t help it and that’s fine. You’ve also killed me and I appreciate that, thank you.”
• Out of character (creator notes):
  • Mudcat calls it Dried Blood Episode 14, with the season almost over: “In the anals of history.”
  • Caustic Phoenix loves the second and third appearances of returning characters, because players have to “add to their story… give them layers.”
  • “Simperi” is the player’s invention, along with the “woo code” from last time. Caustic Phoenix says captioning last episode was hard because auto-captions couldn’t handle “woo woo” and “woo woo shido.”
  • Bofus’s player didn’t expect a third appearance. The last episode ended heartfelt, with Johnny Stanton’s character, Bone Daddy: “he had the good death, this is the bad death now. Let’s make him suffer.” “Neckbeard-chan here, and a man who opens his coat and miniatures fall out.”
  • Mudcat: “when we designed the whole concept of people being resurrected every time… we always assumed that they’d want to be there and not that they’d want to be dead rather than fight Kyle.”
  • Bofus’s player was “speed-running” it and only did the math in the last round. He’s still mad about the nat 1 on the gifted power-up. Kyle’s player on the four-Dew heal: “as soon as they said only for attacks I get disadvantage… I’m just here.”