First appearance: Live | GCX Orlando 2022 — Lord Snacc v The Showman · watch it on YouTube
Lord Snacc is a large barbarian from a faraway land (“some would even say in space”) who worships a spherical god and fears nothing, except bowler hats, bees, leaves and cheese. He was an Acolyte in the crowd when the Arbiter turned up to a live Deathmatch without any champions. He stepped into the arena and beat The Showman in a gloriously messy fight. He had to put his opponent down twice, because the Showman faked his own death the first time.
Story
Lord Snacc’s moment came when the Grandmaster asked whether The Arbiter had brought two champions to the Deathmatch at GCX. He had packed his toothbrush instead, because the champions would have had to go in the checked bag. The Grandmaster asked The Acolytes for volunteers willing to sacrifice their lives and pointed straight at “you with the broken horn.” Snacc introduced himself grandly as a barbarian who worships “a spherical god who will grant me the strength to overcome any challenge.” When the Arbiter told him to wrap it up, he started again from the beginning: “Well, I was born a small child.” When the hosts mentioned that the fight was to the death, he answered without hesitation: “I do not fear death!”
The arena was a clearing in a cold autumn forest. Snacc trusted the Acolytes more than himself, so he had them roll his shots. The first missed, but the second blasted the Showman with the Fourth Horseman, “a large multi-barreled blaster.” Then he charged in at full sprint, which the Grandmaster narrated as “Two bodies intertwining in the forest… Tip to tip.” Snacc protested “It is not intimate!” and gave his opponent a wink. The Showman answered with a spell of fear and found Snacc’s weakness: his round, unfashionable bowler hat. When the Grandmaster asked about Snacc’s other fears, the Acolytes shouted bees, leaves and cheese, and soon the whole room was chanting “Cheese, cheese, cheese.” For much of the fight Snacc was too frightened to fight well. His glaive barely tickled the Showman, and the cheese chant once scared him ten steps back, straight into a thrown knife. He still flew into a rage (“We are going to fight forever!”) and took a blistering, pus-filled wound when a chaos game of tag ended on him. When the Arbiter flirted that he was “looking like a snack,” Snacc said he knew “a great ramen place.” The Grandmaster then promised fro-yo to the winner, and Snacc talked about the fro-yo so much that even the Arbiter found it creepy.
The turn came when The Box of Chaos dropped at Snacc’s feet and Gerald crawled out. Snacc reached into his pants and pulled out his other horn as a sacrifice: “I’d never leave home without it!” Gerald demanded, “What the fuck am I supposed to do with this?” When the Grandmaster told him to clean it first, he objected: “But then all the flavor will be off of it.” He granted a healing potion anyway, and the Acolytes chanted “Chug, chug, chug!” With help from the Acolytes’ blessing of “happiness and fro-yo,” Snacc finally shook off his terror. Cheese became his friend. The fight stayed chaotic after that. He tossed his die into the crowd and it came up a 1 (“I’m number one, right?”). He rallied ten Acolytes to clap so hard that the noise itself battered the Showman. He was stabbed by an animated knife named Joey, which he greeted with “How you doing?” The Showman turned the crowd against him with a spell, and five Acolytes, Turtleman among them, attacked him. During a lightning storm, played out with ping-pong balls, Snacc reminded everyone: “This is Florida!”
With the Showman nearly finished, Snacc delivered a monologue and brought down “the flaming hammer of inferno and doom,” smashing his opponent deep into the forest floor. The Grandmaster declared him the winner, but the Showman rose from his fake death waving a sword (“I found this in the earth of this forest!”), which turned out to be the Grandmaster’s own. In the final round Snacc swung his glaive with reckless fury and landed two hits, destroying both of the Showman’s remaining livers and leaving blood pouring out of him. The Grandmaster took her sword back as the Showman crawled toward Snacc on his knees and swore he would always be back, waiting behind the counter at the fro-yo stand. Snacc saw him off with “Goodnight, sweet prince” and was named the official winner.
Personality and Abilities
Lord Snacc is a big, furred barbarian who wears one broken horn on his head and keeps the other in his pants. He loses some of the furs mid-fight, which the Grandmaster called “a look. It’s not a good one, but it’s a look.” He is booming, theatrical and cheerfully short on wisdom, though he makes up for it with “400 brawn.” He trusts the Acolytes completely, even after they hand him a 1. He knows a great ramen place, wants fro-yo badly and, by the end of the fight, loves cheese. He breaks into fighting-game dances mid-fight.
In a fight he relies on stubbornness and a strange arsenal. He carries the Fourth Horseman, a long, sharp glaive, and what the table could only call a shotgun (“a classic loadout”). For his biggest moment he saves the flaming hammer of inferno and doom. He fights in a furious rage, and the Showman’s knives usually did only half their damage to him. As the Arbiter put it, killing him that way would be “death by a thousand cuts. It’ll take at least a thousand.”
Relationships
- The Showman: His opponent at GCX Orlando 2022, who terrified him with a bowler hat, turned the crowd against him, faked his own death and swore to ruin everything Snacc loves from beyond the grave.
- Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer: Picked him out of the crowd for his broken horn and promised fro-yo to the winner.
- The Arbiter: Forgot to bring champions, which is how Snacc got his chance. He flirted with Snacc and later got tired of hearing about fro-yo.
- Gerald: Received Snacc’s other horn as a sacrifice (“What the fuck am I supposed to do with this?”) and gave him a healing potion in return.
- The Acolytes: His “chosen champions,” who rolled for him, chanted his fears at him, clapped for him and, under a spell, attacked him.
Memorable Quotes
- “I do not fear death!” (Live | GCX Orlando 2022)
- “But I have 400 brawn.” (Live | GCX Orlando 2022)
- “My other horn has emerged! … I’d never leave home without it!” (Live | GCX Orlando 2022)
- “I love cheese!” (Live | GCX Orlando 2022)
- “Well, well, well… Here we are. Gathered around friends, family, grandmasters, arbiters, strange men in bowler hats.” (Live | GCX Orlando 2022)
- “Victory is all I ask.” (Live | GCX Orlando 2022)