Live | GCX Orlando 2022 — Lord Snacc v The Showman

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When the Arbiter arrived at GCX Orlando without any champions, the Grandmaster pulled two volunteers out of the crowd. The barbarian Lord Snacc faced the bowler-hatted bard The Showman in a quiet autumn forest that did not stay quiet for long. Before it was over, the whole room had been drafted into the fight, the Box of Chaos had shared its dreams, and the Showman had faked his own death and then died for real.

The Story

The Forgotten Champions

The night opened with the Arbiter announcing “the Grandmaster herself, Elusia Skypiercer!” The Grandmaster welcomed the Acolytes with a joke that she had “taken our Dread Fortress from further North Orlando and brought it here,” and promised them blood, glory and death. Then she asked the Arbiter whether he had brought the two champions.

“Shit. Uh, I got the toothbrush.” He hadn’t packed deodorant either (“That explains a lot”). Checked-bag fees were “really fucking ridiculous,” he explained, so only one bag had made the trip. When the Grandmaster asked whether he’d planned to check the champions in his bag, he asked back, “Where else do you put champions?” She sent him to sit down, drink a glass of water and think about what he’d done.

With no other option, she asked for Acolytes willing to sacrifice their lives. Her first pick was “you with the broken horn,” who happened to be holding a microphone (the Arbiter: “What a random coincidence”). He introduced himself as Lord Snacc, “a large man, a barbarian from a faraway land. Some would even say in space,” a worshipper of “a spherical god.” Told to wrap it up, he began again from the beginning: “Well, I was born a small child.” For the second champion the Grandmaster called “Pikachu, get up here,” and up came a masked stranger. He was the Showman (“Yes, legally”), and he worshipped no gods, liked long walks on the beach, and held a Disney annual pass. He only learned the fight was to the death after he’d agreed to it. Lord Snacc did not mind: “I do not fear death!”

Into the Autumn Woods

The Arbiter raised his hands and slammed them down, and a portal tore open in time and space. A cool breeze blew through it, carrying autumn leaves. The Grandmaster described the arena: a deep forest where the cold air iced the lungs and crimson leaves crunched underfoot. There was an owl, a fox and a squirrel (the Arbiter told the squirrel to go fuck itself), and a path led to a small clearing “just large enough for a good old battle,” lit by the “setting sun of someone’s life tonight.” She told the champions to be adaptive and vicious, and “whether you live or die, tell your epic story so that you may be remembered.” Then her wings opened and she flew up to the Acolytes.

The Showman worked the crowd at once (“Let’s kill this viking”) and found, to his surprise, that “there are knives everywhere.”

Bees, Leaves and Cheese

Lord Snacc moved first. He trusted the Acolytes more than himself, so he let one take his opening shot, and it missed. A louder Acolyte fared better. Snacc’s “trusty blaster,” the Fourth Horseman, turned out to be “a large multi-barreled blaster” rather than four horses. The Showman sniffed that “four horses would hurt more.”

Snacc sprinted into close range. The Grandmaster narrated the collision as “two bodies intertwining in the forest… Tip to tip,” and Snacc insisted it was not intimate, then gave his opponent a wink. The Showman introduced his knives, all named after the cast of Friends: Chandler, Rachel, Joey, Phoebe (“she’s the weird one”), Ross (“I don’t like Ross that much”) and Monica, his favorite, who “gets around.”

Then he cast a spell of fear. Snacc protested that nothing frightened him, and that he had “400 brawn,” but the spell took hold anyway. What terrified him was the Showman’s bowler hat, “so round and weird-shaped and out of fashion.” When the Grandmaster asked the crowd for Snacc’s other fears, they shouted “Bees? Leaves? Cheese!” and soon the whole room was chanting “Cheese, cheese, cheese” while Snacc begged them to stop. The Showman crept closer making buzzing noises and briefly wandered off the stage to hang out with Turtleman, an Acolyte he had befriended. Doug the Pug, the Fortress mascot, had stayed home, so an Acolyte rolled for chaos in his place. The Arbiter hoped they weren’t “a dick like Doug.”

Snacc brought out his glaive and danced to the music for momentum (“Every fighting game ever!”), but the fear spoiled his aim. His next swing only “gently tickle[d] The Showman.” Then the barbarian’s anger rose, and he roared, “We are going to fight forever!” The Arbiter approved: “That’s the heart of a champion!”

The Showman answered by charming Turtleman into the fight, sealing the deal with a pin (“that’s all I’ve got”). Turtleman threw Rachel at Snacc and hit, and then kept her. “No one likes Rachel,” said the Showman. “She has nice hair, though,” said the Grandmaster. Snacc’s tough hide soaked up half the damage, which worried the Showman: “That’s a problem, I only came with knives.”

Tag, You’re Blistered

“Chaos!” The Arbiter ordered both champions down to the front of the room for cardio: a game of tag, in which the fifth person touched would get hurt. Snacc was “it.” He tagged the Showman, the Showman tagged Turtleman, and the touch went around the room until the fifth one landed back on Lord Snacc. The spot on his arm went red, blistered and poured pus. The Showman credited “the power of friendship.” Asked who his friends were, he answered: “Turtlemen.”

Fro-Yo and the Shimmy-Off

The Arbiter turned to flirting: “Looking like a snack. What are you doing later?… If you’re not dead?” Snacc knew “a great ramen place,” the Arbiter suggested fro-yo, and the Grandmaster cut them off with a promise: “If you win, I will buy you Froyo myself… Only one person gets Froyo tonight.”

Snacc was still afraid, so he fired from a distance. The Grandmaster asked if that was a shotgun, and the Arbiter explained: “He’s got a glaive and a shotgun… It’s a classic loadout.” His next swing missed (“Every time! Every time!”), and when the crowd started chanting “Cheese?” again, the sound echoing through the forest scared him ten steps backward. The Showman threw a knife at him as he retreated. It barely scratched him (“Death by a thousand cuts”), and the Showman, running low on knives, auctioned Ross off to the crowd from $10 (“He’s a paleontologist”).

The Grandmaster scolded Snacc for thinking about dessert, and the Arbiter explained to the room that “she’s mad because I was putting in a new wing in the Dread Fortress and I didn’t get the permits done.” She had the Acolytes stand for a blessing, “Happiness and fro-yo!”, which steadied Snacc’s next move. The Showman tried to drive an Acolyte mad with a spell (“We never said I had to be the one to make them”), but the man shrugged it off. The Grandmaster’s verdict: “Crown of Madness was a failure, because I’m the only one that can wear a crown around here.”

Distancing himself from all the fro-yo talk, the Showman performed a shimmy and asked whether the Arbiter was satisfied. The Arbiter counter-shimmied, matched him exactly and called for a close-up. The Grandmaster suggested a touring duo, then ruled: “No dancing.”

Gerald Opens Up

For a little something extra, the Grandmaster summoned The Box of Chaos. It fell from the sky at Lord Snacc’s feet and flipped open in “a column of pink and yellow fire, no heat is produced, because it’s magic.” A shadowy figure crawled out with his fingers hooked over the side. His name was Gerald. “It was my father’s.” Snacc said his father must have been a lovely man. “And it was his mother’s.” Gerald then asked what the fuck they wanted. The rule was simple: sacrifice something, and Gerald might grant what you desire. There was no fro-yo in the box.

Snacc turned around, rummaged mischievously near his pants and announced, “My other horn has emerged!” He’d “never leave home without it.” Gerald demanded, “What the fuck am I supposed to do with this?” and wondered whether he was supposed to sit on it. He refused to clean it (“then all the flavor will be off of it”), but he sent back a small potion. The crowd chanted “Chug, chug, chug!” as Snacc’s wounds closed. With some help from the Arbiter, who was tired of watching him fail, Snacc finally broke the fear. “You are no longer fearful, cheese is now your friend.” “I love cheese!”

His luck didn’t last. He tossed his die into the crowd and it came back a natural 1. “The acolytes giveth and the acolytes taketh away.” He still landed a sprinting slash, and the Showman, caught bluffing about how hard he was to hit (“No, you’re full of shit,” said the Arbiter), was stabbed repeatedly. He was “down to two livers now,” thanks to “a hobby outside of this.”

Then the Showman did what no one ever had: he asked Gerald what he wanted. “No one’s ever asked me that before. I don’t know. I guess I’d like to paint and start a family… Maybe someday have a couple of shadowy kids, make some shady deals.” He’d also take a knife. He was “kind of a Phoebe guy,” so the Showman sacrificed Phoebe and got a little shield to wear around his neck. He struck a patriotic pose and turned around. “That’s America’s ass.”

The remaining cast of Friends came to life. Snacc ducked Monica and Chandler, but Joey struck true. “How you doing?” said Snacc. “And that’s how you get a spinoff!” said the Showman. The hosts’ arithmetic collapsed (“25 divided by 2 is 25”), and the Arbiter noted they were “slowly descending into madness.”

The Crowd Turns

Snacc rallied ten Acolytes to “clap your asses off,” and the Grandmaster turned the applause into thunder that slammed into the Showman: “That clapping is not for you. It hurts.” The Showman replied that “it’s not wise to put an audience against a bard, because two can play this game.” He turned the whole crowd against Snacc, everyone booed, and five Acolytes attacked him with whatever weapons they could imagine: Turtleman, two hat people and the man who’d bought Ross. The first struck perfectly. “I trusted you,” said Snacc. The Arbiter described people “taking their tops off, spilling beer everywhere… Don’t do that, just pretend.”

“I don’t want to die,” Snacc admitted. “I just want somebody to die,” said the Arbiter. “It doesn’t have to be you.” The Grandmaster pointed out that if Snacc died, she would save about five bucks on fro-yo.

The Storm

With Acolytes once more standing in for Doug, chaos struck again. The breeze rose to a gale, the orange sun vanished behind “dark and angry, blue and grumbling” clouds, and lightning fell, played at the table by ping-pong balls thrown at the champions. Neither dodged; the Showman fumbled completely. “This is Florida!” cried Snacc. The bolt left the Showman barely standing, and the crowd chanted “Finish him!”

The Hammer and the Fake Death

After a pause to send a sign-breaker to the corner (and then promise the culprit fro-yo, because “we can’t stay mad at you”), Lord Snacc made his speech: “Here we are. Gathered around friends, family, grandmasters, arbiters, strange men in bowler hats. I happen to have in my pocket here a hero point.” The crowd echoed “My true might!” and he brought “the flaming hammer of inferno and doom” down on his rival, burying him in the forest floor. “Oh, it’s so moist! Oh, there’s critters in here!” The Grandmaster told him to just die already, declared Snacc the winner, and the Arbiter started dragging the body away.

“But wait! He’s getting back up!… Shh! He’s just sleeping!” The Showman had faked his own death. He rose from his earthly grave holding a sword he’d found in the dirt. “Did you just steal my sword?” asked the Grandmaster. “I am very difficult to kill. I’ve had practice.” He stabbed Snacc “like a shish kebab,” and the two faced off in the dark under the rumbling clouds.

The End of the Showman

There was no sign for round seven (“Honestly, I thought they’d be dead by now”). The Grandmaster wanted “bones broken.” Snacc swung recklessly with all his might, and two glaive strikes did it. The first took “both livers” (“No one give that man a drink later”). The second left the Showman in “a fountain of red,” and the Grandmaster took her sword back. On his knees, he crawled toward Snacc for his last words: “I’ll be back. I will always be back. And you’ll find me behind the counter at the fro-yo stand. And that fro-yo’s not gonna taste right. And just know it’s me.”

“Goodnight, sweet prince,” said Snacc. “Not a prince.” The Arbiter dragged the body off, checked he was really dead this time, and took the hat, pants and jacket with him. “One death has finally happened in our fortress,” the Grandmaster declared, and named Lord Snacc the winner. His victory speech: “Victory is all I ask.” (“Beautiful, succinct, and 100% original.”) She told the Acolytes to burn this battle in their hearts and chase the perfect roll at every moment. Then she told them to go away, or buy the hosts a drink.

Notable Moments

• The Arbiter forgot to bring champions to the show but remembered his toothbrush.
• Lord Snacc, who feared nothing, was terrified of a bowler hat, then of bees, leaves and cheese, until cheese became his friend.
• Gerald was asked what he wanted for the first time, and he admitted he dreams of painting and raising “a couple of shadowy kids.”
• The Showman’s knife Joey struck true after Monica and Chandler missed: “And that’s how you get a spinoff!”
• The Showman faked his death after the flaming hammer buried him, then rose with the Grandmaster’s own sword.
• His dying vow was to haunt the fro-yo stand forever.

Memorable Quotes

• The Arbiter: “Where else do you put champions?”
• The Showman: “I have Chandler and Rachel. And Joey and Phoebe, she’s the weird one. And then Ross, I don’t like Ross that much.”
• Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer: “Crown of Madness was a failure, because I’m the only one that can wear a crown around here.”
• Gerald: “No one’s ever asked me that before. I don’t know. I guess I’d like to paint and start a family.”
• Lord Snacc: “I bring the flaming hammer of inferno and doom down upon you!”
• The Showman: “Oh, it’s so moist! Oh, there’s critters in here!”
• Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer: “Did you just steal my sword?”
• The Showman: “I’ll be back. I will always be back. And you’ll find me behind the counter at the fro-yo stand. And that fro-yo’s not gonna taste right. And just know it’s me.”

“I just want somebody to die. It doesn’t have to be you.” (the Arbiter)

Who and What Appears

Characters

Lord Snacc (BDTeej). A large barbarian “from a faraway land… some would even say in space.” He worships a spherical god. The Showman calls him a viking.

• Gear and powers:
  • The Fourth Horseman, “a large multi-barreled blaster.”
  • A glaive. The table also calls one of his attacks a shotgun (“a classic loadout”).
  • The flaming hammer of inferno and doom (“Inferno Hammer”), used with a hero point.
  • Rage and frenzy. Resistant to piercing, slashing and bludgeoning.
• Horns: he wears one broken horn. He keeps his “other horn” in his pants and sacrificed it to Gerald.
• Personality: “I do not fear death!” Low Wisdom (“400 brawn”). He was afraid of the Showman’s bowler hat, and the Acolytes added bees, leaves and cheese. He came to love cheese. He knows “a great ramen place” and wanted fro-yo; the GM promised to buy fro-yo for the winner.
• In this episode: he won the GCX Deathmatch.

The Showman (RogueExMachinca). A masked man, “legally” named the Showman, who goes by “Showman” on a “second name basis.”

• Look: a bowler hat (round, weird-shaped, out of fashion), and bandages that leave him unable to see out of his left eye.
• A bard with no gods. He likes long walks on the beach and has a Disney annual pass.
• His knives, named after the Friends cast:
  • Chandler and Monica (Monica “my favorite… she gets around”).
  • Joey, also called his favorite later.
  • Phoebe (“the weird one”), sacrificed to Gerald.
  • Rachel, given to Turtleman.
  • Ross (“I don’t like Ross”; “a paleontologist”), auctioned to an Acolyte.
• Spells: fear, suggestion, Bardic Inspiration, Crown of Madness, animate objects, Enemies Abound.
• A custom feature to feign his own death (“I’ve had practice”).
• Claims: started with more than two livers and has a questionable “hobby.”
• Gifts: got a +1 AC neck-shield from the Box of Chaos. Stole the Grandmaster’s sword from the forest floor, and she took it back.
• Fate: died to Lord Snacc. His last words were a vow to haunt the fro-yo stand.

Turtleman (an Acolyte). Bribed with a pin to fight for the Showman. He threw Rachel and kept her. He was one of the five Acolytes who attacked under Enemies Abound, and part of the tag chain. The Showman calls him his friend.

Other Acolytes:

• “Tesla Man” [?], who rolled a 4 for Snacc.
• The loud Acolyte, who rolled the hit.
• “Arthur” [?], who rolled for Doug.
• The Crown of Madness target (−1 Wisdom, saved).
• The buyer of Ross.
• The ten clappers.
• The hat people.
• The backpack man.
• The sign-breaker, sent to the corner and then promised fro-yo by the GM.

Gerald (Mudcat). A shadowy figure who crawls out of the Box of Chaos, his fingers hanging over its side. His name was his father’s, “and it was his mother’s.”

• Grants boons for sacrifices: a healing potion for the horn, a neck-shield for Phoebe.
• Wants to paint and start a family, have “a couple of shadowy kids, make some shady deals.” No one had ever asked him what he wanted.
• “Kind of a Phoebe guy.”

The Arbiter (Mudcat).

• Forgot to bring champions to GCX; he only packed a toothbrush because of checked-bag fees.
• Opens the portal by slamming his hands down. Flies up into the sky to watch.
• Flirted with Lord Snacc about fro-yo, then called it creepy.
• Counter-shimmied the Showman to a tie.
• Is putting a new wing on the Dread Fortress without permits. Says money is tight because of the remodels.
• Dragged the bodies off stage.

Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer (Caustic Phoenix).

• Brought the Dread Fortress “from further North Orlando.”
• Flies with her wings.
• “I’m the only one that can wear a crown around here.”
• Her sword was lying in the forest arena, where the Showman found it.
• Promised fro-yo to the winner and to the sign-breaker.
• Offers employees vision but not dental.

Doug the Pug: “our wonderful D20 Dread Fortress mascot,” absent this time. An Acolyte rolled in his place. The Arbiter calls him “a dick.”

The ring girls and the music goblin: the show’s crew, carrying round signs and running the music. The “sign guy” ran out of signs at round seven.

Places

• The autumn forest clearing: dense trees, crimson leaves, an owl, a fox and a squirrel, rocks, a setting sun. A storm with lightning rolled in during round 5–6.
• The Dread Fortress: brought “from further North Orlando” to GCX. It is having a new wing added, without permits.

Items

• The Fourth Horseman (blaster), the glaive, and the flaming hammer of inferno and doom.
• The Showman’s Friends knives and his bowler hat.
• The Box of Chaos (owned by Gerald). It throws a column of heatless pink and yellow fire. It gave a healing potion and a neck-shield (+1 AC).
• Lord Snacc’s other horn (now in the box).
• The Grandmaster’s sword (+1 to hit).

Lore statements

• To get something from the Box of Chaos you must sacrifice something of your choice, and Gerald might grant something you desire. The box is a free action to interact with.
• The Acolytes’ cheers, taunts and applause aid or hurt the champions.
• Lord Snacc’s god is spherical, and he may come from space.

Full Round-by-Round

Every beat of the episode, with timestamps (click to expand)

Opening — the Arbiter forgot the champions

1. 0:00:00 A hype opener (speaker uncertain): “Welcome to D20 Deathmatch!… Are you ready to roll some fucking dice?”
2. 0:00:30 The Arbiter introduces “all the way from the Dread Fortress, the Grandmaster herself, Elusia Skypiercer!”
3. 0:00:43 The Grandmaster welcomes the Acolytes to GCX: “We have taken our Dread Fortress from further North Orlando and brought it here for you all to witness blood and glory and death!”
4. 0:01:07 — No champions. She asks whether the Arbiter brought two champions. “Shit. Uh, I got the toothbrush.” He didn’t bring deodorant either (“That explains a lot”). His excuse is that they could only bring the checked bag, since checked-bag fees are “really fucking ridiculous.” GM: “What, were you gonna check the champions in your bag?” Arbiter: “Where else do you put champions?” She sends him to sit down, drink a glass of water and think about what he’s done.
5. 0:01:31 — Volunteers. The GM asks for Acolytes willing to sacrifice their lives. She picks “you with the broken horn.” The Arbiter: “What a random coincidence that this stranger has a microphone.”
6. 0:02:05 — Lord Snacc. “My name is Lord Snacc.” He describes himself as “a large man, a barbarian from a faraway land. Some would even say in space. I worship a spherical god who will grant me the strength to overcome any challenge.” The Arbiter tells him to wrap it up, so Snacc starts over: “Well, I was born a small child.” Someone, probably the Arbiter (speaker uncertain), answers: “Get the fuck off the stage.”
7. 0:02:47 — The Showman. The GM needs one more and refuses people volunteering others. “You. I choose you. Pikachu, get up here.” The Arbiter greets the “masked stranger.” He introduces himself as “the Showman. Yes, legally.” He worships no gods, likes long walks on the beach, and has a Disney annual pass.
8. 0:03:42 The Arbiter: “One of you will die today! Hopefully.” The Showman: “Wait, this is to the death?” Arbiter and GM: “We’ll talk about that later… whoever happens to still be alive.” Lord Snacc: “I do not fear death!”

The arena — the autumn forest

9. 0:04:14 The Arbiter raises his hands above his head and slams them down. A portal rips open in time and space, and a cool breeze blows through carrying autumn leaves.
10. 0:04:29 The GM describes the arena. It is a deep forest dense with trees, where the cool autumn air “ice[s] over your lungs” and crimson leaves crunch underfoot. There are little animals: an owl (Snacc: “Hoo-hoo!”), a fox, and a squirrel (Arbiter: “Go fuck yourself”). The path leads to a small clearing “just large enough for a good old battle,” with a couple of rocks, trees and dead leaves about to fall, “perfect for this setting sun of someone’s life tonight.” She charges them: “The arena should change the way you fight. Be adaptive, be vicious, and most of all, whether you live or die, tell your epic story so that you may be remembered.” Her wings open wide and she flies up to the Acolytes.
11. 0:06:04 She tells the Acolytes that their cheers, taunts and applause will aid or hurt the champions. Lord Snacc: “Will you be my chosen champions?” The Showman: “You all seem like a very nice crowd… Let’s kill this viking.” He adds: “Oh, no. There are knives everywhere. I don’t know how that happened.” GM: “Accidents happen.”
12. 0:07:06 The Arbiter flies up into the sky and calls initiative. Lord Snacc rolls 18 and the Showman 11. They start in the clearing 30 ft apart.

Round 1

14. 0:09:06 Snacc trusts the Acolytes more than himself and asks one to make his attack roll. The Arbiter picks a man for his nice shirt (“Good job, Tesla Man!” [?]). He rolls a 4, and the attack misses. Snacc: “You shall burn!”
15. 0:10:06 Snacc asks for “a more reliable acolyte,” and the Arbiter picks the loudest one (“Look at the lungs on that guy”). The roll hits (22). The Showman tells Snacc: “Turtleman is so much cooler than you.” Turtleman is an Acolyte in the crowd.
16. 0:10:41 The Showman asks what he was hit with. “The Fourth Horseman, of course.” “Like four horses.” “No, no, it’s a large multi-barreled blaster.” The Showman: “Oh, you name yours too.” The blast does 12. Snacc: “It hurts, doesn’t it?” The Showman: “Oh, four horses would hurt more.”
17. 0:11:35 — Closing the gap. Snacc runs at the Showman “at full sprint of course, is there any other way?” The GM narrates them colliding: “Two bodies intertwining in the forest. When two become one… This is an intimate, intimate show. Tip to tip.” Snacc: “It is not intimate!” The Showman: “Oh no, it’s going to get pretty intimate, I promise.” Snacc gives him a wink as a bonus action.
18. 0:12:28 — The knives. The Showman introduces his weapons: “I have Chandler and Rachel. And Joey and Phoebe, she’s the weird one. And then Ross, I don’t like Ross that much… Monica! Oh, Monica’s my favorite. She gets around. We’re not going to use Monica.”
19. 0:12:48 — Fear. The Showman casts fear. Snacc: “But nothing frightens me!” Showman: “Right, but you don’t look like you have much wisdom.” The Arbiter: “The first step is finding your brain, the second step is using it.” Snacc: “But I have 400 brawn.” He rolls a 9 against DC 16 and fails. He argues that nine is more than sixteen “depend[ing] where you’re from… Or if we’re playing golf.”
20. 0:14:24 — The bowler hat. “You said you don’t feel fear, Lord Snacc.” What terrifies Snacc is the Showman’s bowler hat: “It’s a bowler hat, I’ve not, I’ve not seen-” “Look at it! It’s so round and weird-shaped and out of fashion.” His head doesn’t fit it very well.
21. 0:15:08 — Bees, leaves and cheese. The GM asks what Lord Snacc’s worst fears are. The Acolytes shout “Bees? Leaves? Cheese!” The Arbiter: “You’re lactose intolerant.” Snacc begs, “Stop saying them, please!” The whole room chants “Cheese, cheese, cheese.”
22. 0:16:00 The Showman moves closer making buzzing noises (“It’s so scary”). The GM wonders whether they should just share a mic, since “they didn’t give us any restrictions.” The Showman briefly runs off to “hang out with Turtleman.” The Arbiter: “If you fight better off the stage, you fight off the stage.”
23. 0:17:01 — Doug the Pug. The Arbiter’s chaos roll is “a solid six.” The GM: “I didn’t happen to bring Doug the Pug, our wonderful D20 Dread Fortress mascot.” An Acolyte (“Arthur” [?]) rolls for Doug and gets a 9. Arbiter: “Hopefully you’re not a dick like Doug.” HP: Showman 73, Lord Snacc 105.

Round 2

24. 0:18:28 — The glaive and the dance. Snacc: “I’ve also brought with me a glaive. It’s very long and sharp.” The Arbiter asks the “music goblin” to turn the music up. Snacc does a fighting-game dance (“Every fighting game ever!”), and the Arbiter shouts “Hadouken.” The GM asks for a performance check. He rolls 19 and gains momentum: an extra d4 if he hits. Because he is still frightened, he rolls with disadvantage and misses.
25. 0:19:46 The Showman: “I was ready for this moment, Lord Snacc. It’s terrifying.” Snacc: “Stop it! Don’t do weird things with your hand.”
26. 0:20:06 The Arbiter quietly bets on the Showman: “I like the bandage thing you got going on.” Showman: “Oh, thank you, it’s very uncomfortable… I can’t see out of my left eye.”
27. 0:20:15 Snacc’s second glaive swing hits, but only for 5. The GM denies him the d4 (“I didn’t give it him for both, because I don’t care”). “You gently tickle The Showman. Do you have any sensitive spots?” Showman: “I really wish I took Vicious Mockery right now.”
28. 0:21:26 — Rage. Snacc: “I feel like I’m getting angry.” The GM praises his “I language… that’s what my therapist told me.” Snacc: “I feel… BREEDY!” [greedy?] The Arbiter: “It’s not an emotion, but that’s fine.” The Showman realizes, “Oh wait, he’s a barbarian.” Snacc: “We are going to fight forever!” The Arbiter: “That’s the heart of a champion!”
29. 0:22:08 — Turtleman tagged in. The Showman casts suggestion on an Acolyte, Turtleman (the Arbiter also calls him “Tensile Man, Cody” [?]). The DC is 16 and Turtleman rolls exactly 16. The GM: “The tournament is redeemed.” The Showman then bribes him with a pin (“At least one, because that’s all I’ve got”). GM: “Bribery is allowed.” Turtleman agrees to fight.
30. 0:23:34 Turtleman throws a dagger (the knife Rachel) at Snacc. The Showman gives him Bardic Inspiration (d10) and beatboxes while he rolls (“I can’t floss”). It hits (24), and Snacc: “I’m afraid I’m feeling quite hurt at the moment.” Turtleman keeps Rachel. Showman: “No one likes Rachel.” GM: “She has nice hair, though.”
31. 0:24:54 The dagger does 11, but Lord Snacc is resistant to piercing, so it is halved and rounded up to 6 (“we love a little extra pain”). Snacc: “And all damage, except apparently that of the brain.” Showman: “That’s a problem, I only came with knives.”
32. 0:25:28 “Do I have to say the every time?” “No, we’re friends now… just Showman. We’re on a second name basis.” Snacc fails his fear save again (8). The Arbiter: “Yeah, it’s definitely wet down here.”

Chaos event — Tag (0:26:18)

33. The Arbiter rolls 17. “Chaos!” Both champions have to walk down the stairs to the front of the room (“Surprise, we’re doing cardio today”). They roll d6s, and Snacc gets 6 to the Showman’s 4. Snacc is “it.” The rule: after five touches, the fifth person touched takes damage.
34. 0:27:32 Snacc tags the Showman, who tags Turtleman (“He’s my homie”). The tag passes around the room, and the fifth touch lands on Lord Snacc.
35. 0:28:17 “As that touch hits you, that spot on your arm begins to grow red… it begins to blister and get red and pus pours from it, burning your arm!” The base damage is 6. The Arbiter wants it tripled, so the GM adds dice until it reaches 19. Arbiter: “See, he’s more upset about it now, so I think it worked correctly.” Showman: “I had the power of friendship on my side.” Snacc: “Who are your friends?” “Turtlemen.”
36. 0:29:10 HP: Showman 68, Lord Snacc 80.

Round 3 — Fro-yo

37. 0:29:35 The Arbiter flirts with Lord Snacc: “Looking like a snack. What are you doing later?… If you’re not dead?” Snacc: “I know a great ramen place.” The Arbiter suggests fro-yo instead, and the Showman says he likes fro-yo too. The GM cuts in: “If you win, I will buy you Froyo myself… Only one person gets Froyo tonight.”
38. 0:30:27 Still afraid, Snacc decides to attack from a distance. He fails his fear save (13), and his first attack misses: “This glass is not working!” The second hits for 11 with rage. The GM asks, “Is that a shotgun?” The Arbiter: “He’s got a glaive and a shotgun. What’s so confusing about this?… It’s a classic loadout.” The players bicker over reading the die (“Two circles is the eight. Two lines is the 11”; “I have higher wisdom”).
39. 0:32:45 — Frenzy. Snacc’s frenzy attack misses. “Every time! Every time!” The Acolytes shake their heads, then start chanting “Cheese?” again. The Showman: “I was going to cast enemies abound, but I guess I don’t have to now.”
40. 0:33:35 The GM rules that the cheese chant echoing through the forest frightens Snacc so much he takes ten steps back. This provokes an opportunity attack. The Showman throws a knife and hits, but it does only 3 after resistance. Arbiter: “Death by a thousand cuts. It’ll take at least a thousand.” GM: “Did you go to Sam’s Club before this?” Showman: “I’m running out of knives. I gave one to Turtle Man.”
41. 0:34:54 — Ross auctioned. Snacc suggests he keep giving his weapons away. The Showman gives away Ross, starting the bidding at $10. An Acolyte bids 12. “He’s a paleontologist.”
42. 0:35:40 Snacc: “I still want the fro-yo, but I’m willing to wait!” GM: “Forget the fro-yo!… you should be focusing on the fight, not on the dessert!” The Arbiter explains to the crowd: “She’s mad because I was putting in a new wing in the Dread Fortress and I didn’t get the permits done.”
43. 0:36:02 — Blessing. The GM has the Acolytes stand and say a blessing: “Happiness and fro-yo!” Arbiter: “That’s what life’s about.” Snacc gets a d6 inspiration on his next roll. Snacc: “I love you, Galleon!” [?]
44. 0:36:39 — Crown of Madness. The Showman asks the music goblin to pump up the music and casts Crown of Madness on an Acolyte (“That guy, get up here!”). The GM: “Run faster. Just don’t fall. I don’t know if we have insurance.” Showman: “Death by a thousand cuts. We never said I had to be the one to make them.” He also jokes that the man looks like “the actor from Terminator 2.” The man stumbles on “what’s nine minus four,” and the Arbiter calls a −1 Wisdom. He rolls 16 and saves. Showman: “I’m going to cast Lord [Crown] of Madness on your friends next.”
45. 0:38:16 The Arbiter turns on his own fro-yo bit: “now you’re kind of getting a little pushy about it… it wasn’t endearing, now it’s just creepy.”
46. 0:38:31 GM: “Crown of Madness was a failure, because I’m the only one that can wear a crown around here.” Showman: “It looks quite good on you.” “Correct.”
47. 0:38:51 — The shimmy-off. The Showman takes five steps back “because… he is talking about Froyo way too much, and I don’t want to be associated with that.” He shimmies and rolls a 16 for performance. “Does that satisfy you, Arbiter, my shimmy?” GM: “I think you could win like a county fair.” The Arbiter counter-shimmies and calls for a camera close-up. He also rolls 16: a tie. GM: “You guys could probably do, like, a duo sometime. Go around, travel the country.” Showman: “Maybe we should just change this to a dance-off.” GM: “No dancing.”

The Box of Chaos and Gerald (0:41:19)

48. The chaos roll is 16, and an Acolyte re-roll gives 10. The GM adds “a little something extra”: “I’d like to summon the Box of Chaos.” The crowd shouts “Chaos!” A physical box is brought out (“It’s an actual box”). It lands at Lord Snacc’s feet. The GM: “the Box of Chaos is a free action to interact with, owned by Gerald.”
49. 0:41:57 The Arbiter narrates: “As that box falls down from the sky, the lid flips open, a column of pink and yellow fire, no heat is produced, because it’s magic. Out of the lid, a shadowy figure crawls out, his fingers hanging over the side.” Gerald: “What’s up?”
50. 0:42:19 Snacc: “Hello, small, small thing.” Gerald: “I have a name. It’s Gerald.” Snacc: “Gerald’s a lovely name.” Gerald: “It was my father’s.” “Your father was a lovely man.” Gerald: “And it was his mother’s.” Snacc: “Well, that’s just odd.” Gerald (inferred speaker): “What the fuck do you want?”
51. 0:42:37 The GM explains the rule: to get anything from the box you must sacrifice something of your choice, and Gerald might grant you something you desire. The Arbiter confirms there is no fro-yo in the box. Snacc: “Okay, that’s a bit disappointing.”

Round 4

52. 0:43:35 — The other horn. Snacc: “Tiny box, I have a sacrifice for you.” He turns around and works “mischievously near his pants.” “My other horn has emerged!” “From where?” “I’d never leave home without it!” He drops it in the box. Gerald: “What the fuck am I supposed to do with this?” Snacc: “It’s very precious to me because of reasons.” Gerald: “What do I, like, sit on it or something?” GM: “Clean it first.” Gerald: “But then all the flavor will be off of it.” Showman: “Oh, Gerald, no.”
53. 0:44:55 The box roll is a 1. “Fire shoots to the sky and a small bottle of potion floats its way over to you.” The crowd chants “Chug, chug, chug!” “You start to feel tingly inside… Your wounds close up a little bit.” Lord Snacc regains 7 HP. Showman: “Seems excessive, but okay.”
54. 0:46:24 — Cheese is his friend. The Arbiter gives Snacc advantage on his fear save “because I’m just tired of watching you roll this shit.” Adding the d6 from the fro-yo blessing, he finally breaks the fear. GM: “You are no longer fearful, cheese is now your friend.” Snacc: “I love cheese!” The Arbiter: “This guy’s metal as fuck over here.”
55. 0:47:17 — The Acolytes take away. “My rolls have been absolute shite all day.” Snacc tosses his d20 into the crowd and wants “four good hits before it hits the ground.” It comes up a nat 1. Showman: “I love this crowd!” Snacc: “I’m number one, right? That’s what that means.” GM: “The acolytes giveth and the acolytes taketh away.” He gets disadvantage on his next attack.
56. 0:48:11 He forgets the disadvantage (“Very little wisdom”) but still hits on 19. “I really don’t like being stabbed this much.” He breaks into a full sprint and does 10 slashing with rage. The Showman tries to claim slashing immunity, then gives up: “No… I’m wearing bandages.” Arbiter: “You think you would be, you got a lot of knives.”
57. 0:49:30 Snacc’s frenzy attack ties the Showman’s AC, and the GM calls a glancing blow. The Showman then admits his AC is actually 15. The GM calls for a deception roll; his 17 loses to the Arbiter’s 21 (“No, you’re full of shit”). He takes the full 11, “getting stabbed multiple times, blood oozing from your body.”
58. 0:50:35 HP: Showman 36, Snacc 84. Showman: “I needed those organs.” GM: “That’s fine, organs are optional.” Showman: “I’m down to two livers now.” The GM asks how many livers he started with. “I just have a hobby outside of this.” “That’s not probably legal.” Snacc: “Allegedly.”
59. 0:51:36 — What Gerald wants. The Showman goes to the box: “Gerald, you’re not asking the right question. I want to know what you want.” Gerald: “No one’s ever asked me that before. I don’t know. I guess I’d like to paint and start a family. Maybe someday have a couple of shadowy kids, make some shady deals… I’d take a knife, though.” The Showman would give him “the one that had the pregnancy” (Rachel), but she’s gone. Gerald: “I’m kind of a Phoebe guy.” “She’s kind of crazy, and I like that.” The Showman sacrifices Phoebe.
60. 0:52:42 He rolls a 3. The box grants a shield that he wears around his neck: +1 AC. “This would have been really helpful, Ellie [?]… when I said 16 earlier.” GM: “You were just psychic, apparently.” Showman: “I feel very patriotic right now.” He strikes a pose and turns around. GM: “That’s America’s ass.” Snacc: “You beat me to it by one second.”
61. 0:53:45 — Animate objects. He moved 15 ft to reach the box, so he is now in front of Snacc. “I take out the entire cast of friends that I have remaining. Monica, Chandler, Joey, who is my favorite. And I cast animate objects. We’re getting Disney up in here, Lord Snacc.” The GM has the crowd do a countdown and gives everyone a d4 blessing (“Remember that I am so generous”). The Arbiter and GM joke about writing permission slips and forging doctor’s notes for the Acolytes’ bosses, “for legal purposes, we will not do that, but we would do it.”
62. 0:54:40 “I really am down to three. I did not think this through.” He throws all three animated knives: 9 and 15, then a natural 20. “Joey’s coming for you, Lord Snacc!” Snacc: “How you doing?” He narrates trying to get a groove going and dodging the first two, “Monica! Chandler!”, “and then he just can’t get there”: Joey hits him. Showman: “And that’s how you get a spinoff!”
63. 0:55:51 — The math. The crit damage turns into a muddle (10, 15, 18, 23). The GM declares “I say you do 25 more damage!” Arbiter: “We’re just slowly descending into madness here.” Snacc: “I don’t think you have the right to make fun of my intelligence anymore.” The GM forgot to halve it for resistance, and they rule “25 divided by 2 is 25” (“It’s a very strong knife”). The Arbiter’s chaos roll is a “kind of cocked” 19. HP: Showman 36, Snacc 59.

Round 5 — Applause and enemies abound

64. 0:58:13 “We’re in the latter half of the Deathmatch here. The Acolytes have watched the blood flow.” The Arbiter calls for a camera shot of both champions and a round of applause.
65. 0:59:08 — Thunderous applause. The GM tells Snacc to get 10 Acolytes up to clap with him for advantage. He counts down and rallies the back of the room: “I’m counting on you to clap your asses off!” The Showman tries to sneak in a reaction spell during the countdown. Arbiter: “That sounds like thunder damage to me!” GM: “You will get advantage and your damage will be thunder damage.” Arbiter: “That’s what she said.”
66. 1:00:08 Snacc is losing his furs. GM: “Please stay clothed. That’s a look. It’s not a good one, but it’s a look.” Showman: “It’s really 2005 rawr of you.” The hit lands (22) for 7 thunder (“four’s a good number… It’s her favorite number”). “The waves of sound coming towards you, hitting one after another. That clapping is not for you. It hurts.”
67. 1:01:46 — Enemies Abound. Showman: “Lord Snacc, it’s not wise to put an audience against a bard, because two can play this game.” He casts Enemies Abound: “Everyone cheer this man! Boo him!” The crowd boos Snacc. “It literally makes him believe everyone is his enemy… A lot of these spells don’t have numbers to them, unfortunately.”
68. 1:02:32 The GM rules that five Acolytes attack Snacc, each with any weapon they imagine: +5 to hit, 2d4 damage rolled by the bard. The five are Turtleman, two “hat people,” and the man who has Ross. Showman: “He has Rachel and he has Ross, so this is perfect.”
69. 1:03:31 The first roll is a nat 20 (critical). Snacc: “I trusted you.” Two rolls of 13 miss. The GM forces a re-roll on one (“That is not good enough!”), which hits on 19. The last misses on 12. The GM slips: “Shaq, I mean Snacc.” Showman: “Strike him out, Captain.” The Arbiter narrates: “The crowd goes wild, people taking their tops off, spilling beer everywhere, all over the arena. Don’t do that, just pretend.” The total is 19 damage, “a quiz… You’ve all passed.”
70. 1:05:40 HP: Showman 29, Snacc 40. Snacc: “I don’t want to die.” Arbiter: “I just want somebody to die. It doesn’t have to be you.” GM: “If you die, then I don’t have to buy you Froyo.” Arbiter: “We are running a little tight at the Dread Fortress. We’ve got some remodels going on.” GM: “I’m going to save like five bucks.”
71. 1:06:20 The Arbiter’s forgotten chaos roll is a 2. The GM calls for an Acolyte “in lieu of Doug the Pug.” A man with multiple backpacks rolls a 4, then a 5 with his d4 blessing. Another man (“Don’t talk about it, be about it”) gets a 5. A third, “He was all after it earlier,” rolls a 12. Together that is enough.

Chaos event — The storm (1:08:27)

72. “Champions, once again, stand. As you stand in this forest, that cool breeze begins to pick up. The wind blows hard… that beautiful orange yellow begins to disappear behind a large swath of clouds, dark and angry, blue and grumbling. Lightning strikes from the sky.” DC 16 Dex save.
73. 1:09:05 The Showman rolls a natural 1. Lord Snacc: “This is Florida!” He rolls 15 and fails too. GM: “You two are awful!” Lightning is represented by ping-pong balls thrown at them (Showman: “I don’t want to hit it with a plastic ball.” Arbiter: “Ping pong balls where you draw the line?”). Snacc takes 9. The Showman takes a critical 21 and drops to 8 HP. Showman: “That’s all I need.” Crowd: “Finish him!”

Round 6 — The sign, the hammer and the fake death

74. 1:10:23 Round six starts with the ring girls (“Come on, green girls!” [?]). Someone breaks a round sign (“Break that shit! Do it!”). GM: “I love that sign. You go sit in the corner and think about what you’ve done… You just go around destroying people’s property?” She sends the culprit to the corner.
75. 1:11:05 Showman: “Can’t get good help around here.” GM: “We’re hiring.” Arbiter: “Maybe if you offer dental…” GM: “Listen, we have vision… they lose teeth so often in these fights. It’s not worth it.” “We’re not talking about my employee plans.” Showman: “I have some spare teeth if you want them… Pounds.” Showman: “In the arms of the angel.” The GM gives in to the culprit’s puppy eyes: “Okay, fine. I’ll take you out for Froyo later.” Arbiter: “We can’t stay mad at you.”
76. 1:12:35 — The monologue. Snacc: “Well, well, well… Here we are. Gathered around friends, family, grandmasters, arbiters, strange men in bowler hats. I happen to have in my pocket here a hero point.” “I feel a surge of light coming on. And now I show you my true might.” The crowd repeats “My true might!” three times.
77. 1:13:38 — The Inferno Hammer. “I bring the flaming hammer of inferno and doom down upon you!” It is an auto-hit for 15 plus dice, and the room chants “Damage!” It does 35 damage. GM: “You begin to crumble and fall as that hammer smashes you into the ground, burying you deep within the dirt of this forest.” Showman: “Oh, it’s so moist! Oh, there’s critters in here!” GM: “Shut up. You’re dead. Just die already.” She declares Lord Snacc the winner, and the Arbiter starts dragging the body off stage.
78. 1:15:03 — Not dead. Showman: “But wait! He’s getting back up! I use my hero points! Oh! Shh! He’s just sleeping!” He uses his hero point and a custom innate feature that lets him feign his own death, regaining 2d8+10 HP.
79. 1:15:27 — The Grandmaster’s sword. “I found this in the earth of this forest! And I am rolling with it!” GM: “Did you just steal my sword?” Showman: “Oh, this is yours? You dropped it.” GM: “I saw you die.” Showman: “I am very difficult to kill. I’ve had practice.” The stolen sword gives +1 to hit. “You rise from your earthly grave with your stolen weapon.”
80. 1:16:08 He charges for “my last shot.” Snacc: “Bring it on!” The GM, as line judge, calls it a hit: “That sword is in you.” It does 9: “He wakens from his sleeping fake death and stabs you like a shish kebab.” Snacc: “It hurts so much, but I’m actually still okay, you know?” The Showman’s regained HP leaves him at 18. Snacc is at 31. “Two of you staring off face to face in this darkness, the rumbling clouds still overhead.”

Round 7 — The end of the Showman

81. 1:17:57 There’s no sign for seven (“Honestly, I thought they’d be dead by now”). Arbiter: “We gotta get a new sign guy.” GM: “I expect this round to be bloody, to be vicious, and I want bones broken.” Showman: “I got a magic sword. I found it.”
82. 1:18:31 Snacc: “The giant cool hammer thing [didn’t] exactly pan out the way I’d hoped… it turned you into a pile of ashes, then you just simply back up again. YOLO. So you perhaps have a little friend that does that for you.” He comes in with the glaive “with all my might.”
83. 1:19:04 Reckless attack. The first hit (21) does 10. GM: “That little shield doing nothing. It is really useless.” Snacc: “It’s time to bring the pain.” Showman: “That was actually the livers.” “Both livers?” “Both of them.” GM: “No one give that man a drink later, he can’t process it anymore.”
84. 1:19:55 The second hit (25) does 11, so 21 total, “definitely more than 18.” The GM takes her sword back (“I’m taking the sword with me”). “As you find yourself pierced once again, blood pouring out of you, a fountain of red.” The Showman crawls toward Snacc on his knees. GM: “That’s a very unusual picture.”
85. 1:21:04 — Last words. Showman: “I’ll be back. I will always be back. And you’ll find me behind the counter at the fro-yo stand. And that fro-yo’s not gonna taste right. And just know it’s me.” GM: “The fro-yo will be spicy.” Showman: “I will ruin everything you love even past death.” GM: “So vicious. I love it!… In all fairness, he missed like half the time.” Snacc: “Goodnight, sweet prince.” Showman: “Not a prince.” Snacc: “I did it! Yes, darling!”
86. 1:22:04 The Arbiter drags the body away again, making sure “he’s dead this time.” He takes the hat, pants and jacket with it. GM: “One death has finally happened in our fortress.” She declares the official winner: Lord Snacc. Snacc: “Victory is all I ask.” GM: “Beautiful, succinct, and 100% original.”
87. 1:23:03 — Sign-off. The GM: “My acolytes, remember this battle, remember this victory… burn them in your hearts, remember them as you move day in day out, that you find inspiration, that you push as hard as you can to get that nat 20 at every single moment. Welcome and good night to D20 Deathmatch!” She adds, “Go away! Or buy us a drink.” Another D&D session follows in 30 minutes.

Post-show (1:24:20–1:24:44)