First appearance: Playtest 6 (Pre-Launch) — Michael v Victoro Cassalanter (Mudcat vs Caustic) · watch it on YouTube
Michael, the Headless Iron Golem, is a hulking suit of rocky iron with no head, no eyes, no ears and a great deal of love to give. He fought Victoro Cassalanter in Playtest 6 (Pre-Launch) — Michael v Victoro Cassalanter (Mudcat vs Caustic). He spent most of the fight dancing, hugging anything he could catch and throwing trees he mistook for his opponent. He was never really beaten. He was only sent away for a minute, and when he came back he had a dog.
Story
Michael entered the arena unnamed, billed only as the Headless Iron Golem, and he spoke through slits in his palms. He was quick to explain that this was “a mouth in my hand,” not a hand puppet, because puppets are “for children.” Victoro first tried to hire him, offering vacation days and retirement matching, then tried to bend him to his will with a Rod of Rulership. The magic slid right off. “Michael has no need for rulership. Michael free!” It was the first anyone had heard his name. He had picked it himself, he explained, because “It’s a strong name.”
Being blind and deaf, Michael could not find his opponent at first. He shuffled about like a zombie with his hand-mouths held out, ripped a tree out of the ground and hurled it (“Here, catch!”), and celebrated its crash into the rocks with a victory dance he kept up for most of the match. A forty-foot pillar of fire did not slow him down. It only made his rocky shell glow, and by all accounts he looked good dancing in it. He finally found Victoro by swinging his big sword at what he thought was a tree and catching Victoro’s “oversized buttock.” Michael’s response was simple joy: “I found you! … Come give hug!” When Victoro kept vanishing into another plane, Michael learned to track him by tasting the air with the tongues in his hands. He then pulled up a dead, supple tree, hula-danced with it like a whip, and smacked Victoro in the face the moment he reappeared.
Victoro turned himself into a Tyrannosaurus rex, still wearing his famously wide butterfly pants. Michael felt the dinosaur’s footsteps through the ground, cha-cha’d around to face it, and broke a claw on one of its tiny arms. When a dog somewhere in the arena began barking nonstop and deafened everyone, Michael was the only one who didn’t notice, since he was already deaf. He punched the confused T. rex in the nostrils while its tail bounced harmlessly off him. He then burst out of the forest like the Kool-Aid Man and tried to hug Victoro, but he did not know how to open his hands, so the hug came out as fists. The beating broke the dinosaur form. Victoro fled to the top of a cliff to gloat, so Michael punched the cliff until it collapsed and Victoro fell at his feet in a flapping heap of pants.
In desperation, Victoro summoned a barbed devil named Barbara. Michael was thrilled: “New friend!… Friends forever!” He scooped her up and shook her “like a Polaroid picture,” spikes and all. The blazing sun began to heat his metal and loosen his bolts, but Victoro’s next pillar of fire only healed him, and Michael squeezed his new friend tighter. When Barbara reached down his empty neck hole, he gave the saddest line of the night: there was nothing inside, because he was a hollow shell trying to fill himself with friendship and dancing. Once she started trying to unscrew his arm, the friendship was over: “No touch anymore… Bad like bug!” At last Victoro banished him. The crowd’s chanting reached Michael through the vibrations in the ground, and he fought it with everything he had: “I will not leave you, friends! … I have friends!” He fell just short, and he went with a farewell: “Goodbye, friends! Don’t forget me!”
Michael chose to spend his exile on the plane of flowers and daisies, the most beautiful place in existence, though he could neither see nor smell it. He held hands with himself and waited for his next friend. While he was gone, Victoro announced that he would not die today but would instead go to the pants store, and he vanished. When Michael returned a minute later, the battlefield was empty. Then the barking dog found him and licked his metal body. “Puppy? Puppy!” Michael licked the dog back with his hand-mouths and petted it, and the match ended with no death and one very happy golem who now had a dog.
Personality and Abilities
Michael is a towering figure of rocky iron with nowhere a head should be. Somehow he still manages to perceive the world, feeling vibrations through the ground and tasting the air with the tongue-filled mouths in his palms, which are also how he speaks. He talks about himself in simple, cheerful phrases (“Michael free!”) and is entirely sincere. He loves dancing, especially the hula and the cha-cha, and he loves hugs even more, though he doesn’t know how to open his iron fists to give a proper one. Beneath all the cheer is a genuine loneliness. He calls himself a hollow shell and wants friends more than anything.
In a fight he is nearly impossible to hurt. Fire heals him, blunt and piercing blows bounce off him, and magic meant to charm him fails. He carries a huge sword with a long reach and hits hard with his iron fists. When it suits him, he uses the scenery as a weapon, throwing trees, whipping them, and punching cliffs down onto whoever is standing on top.
Relationships
- Victoro Cassalanter: His opponent, who tried to hire him, mind-control him and finally banish him. Michael mostly wanted to hug him.
- Barbara: The barbed devil Victoro summoned. Michael declared her his friend forever until she tried to unscrew his arm.
- The barking dog: Found him on the empty battlefield and licked him. Michael adopted it on the spot.
Memorable Quotes
- “Michael has no need for rulership. Michael free!” (Playtest 6)
- “Yes, my name is Michael… It’s a strong name.” (Playtest 6)
- “I found you! … Come give hug!” (Playtest 6)
- “There’s nothing there. I am a hollow shell… Why do you think I’m trying to fill it with friendship and dancing?” (Playtest 6)
- “Goodbye, friends! Don’t forget me!” (Playtest 6)
- “Puppy? Puppy!” (Playtest 6)