First appearance: Playtest 6 (Pre-Launch) — Michael v Victoro Cassalanter (Mudcat vs Caustic) · watch it on YouTube
Victoro Cassalanter is a self-described “devilishly handsome half-elf who likes coin and power.” He came to the Void with a pocketful of magic and a pair of enormous, flowing “butterfly” pants. He fought a headless iron golem named Michael in Playtest 6 (Pre-Launch) — Michael v Victoro Cassalanter (Mudcat vs Caustic) and spent most of the match being hunted, smacked and lovingly crushed by an opponent who could neither see nor hear him. He walked away alive. His pride took more damage than he did, and he left with one urgent errand.
Story
Victoro opened the match unimpressed by his headless opponent, who spoke through mouths in the palms of its hands. “For a fellow with no head, you talk quite a lot,” he observed, while showing off his saggy, wide-hipped pants. Then he tried business instead of bloodshed. He offered the golem a job with “great benefits… 14 days of vacation a year, 401k matching” and raised his Rod of Rulership to seal the deal. The golem was immune to it, and the attempt only got the creature to reveal its name: “Michael has no need for rulership. Michael free!”
What followed was a long humiliation for a man who prized his looks. Victoro called down a towering pillar of fire, and Michael simply kept dancing, glowing handsomely in the flames. Michael found him anyway by swinging a sword at what he took to be a tree and catching Victoro’s “oversized buttock.” Victoro flickered in and out of the Ethereal Plane to slip away, but Michael tasted the air with the tongues in his hands and tracked him down. Victoro even paused to tap the golem on the arm (“Good try, bud”) before blinking away again. When Victoro reappeared, Michael, hula-dancing with his hips, swung a dead tree like a whip and caught him square in the face. “Nobody hits Victoro in the face,” he fumed. “Especially not you, faceless person.”
So Victoro turned himself into a Tyrannosaurus rex, still wearing the pants. It didn’t help. Michael felt the dinosaur’s footsteps through the ground, cha-cha’d around to face him and broke a claw on one tiny arm. Then a chaos event set a dog barking somewhere in the arena and deafened everyone except Michael, who was already deaf. The deafened T. rex spun in circles while Michael punched him in the nostrils. Michael finished the job by bursting out of the trees like the Kool-Aid Man and “hugging” him with clenched fists, which knocked Victoro back into half-elf form. “Get off of me, you ignorant, stupid metal man,” he snapped. “Michael is a dumb name.” Michael couldn’t hear him. Victoro teleported to the top of a cliff and gave a smug farewell bow, and Michael punched the cliff out from under him. Victoro fell, pants flapping like a cartoon, and landed badly hurt at the golem’s feet.
Running out of options, he summoned a barbed devil named Barbara. She arrived annoyed: she had been soaking her feet for her sciatica. Michael promptly adopted her as a “new friend” and hugged her, spikes and all. A second chaos event brought scorching sun, which Victoro’s thick clothes kept off him. He called down fire again, but Michael healed from the flames and took only a little radiant damage. At last he banished Michael from the plane, and the Acolytes’ chanting very nearly let Michael hold on. With his foe gone, Victoro made his exit: “You wanted to see Victoro die. But I will not die today. Today, I will go to the pants store.” He vanished and later turned up at JCPenney, leaving Barbara to wonder who would pay for her Uber home. Nobody died, and Michael came back to an empty battlefield and a new dog.
Personality and Abilities
Victoro is vain, mercenary and very pleased with himself. He likes coin, power and his own reflection. He talks about himself in the third person and treats violence as a negotiation he would rather settle with a job offer. His signature look is a pair of huge, wide “butterfly” pants with deep pockets over notably wide hips. After his fall from the cliff, the pants were judged “all look and no skill,” and Victoro refused to give them up even as a dinosaur. He also wore glamoured studded leather and a protective ring.
In battle he relies on spells over steel. He called down pillars of flame, blinked in and out of the Ethereal Plane, conjured a floating rapier to fight for him, turned himself into a T. rex, teleported short distances and banished his enemies to other planes. He carried a Rod of Rulership for bending wills and could summon a barbed devil, Barbara, who served him with little enthusiasm. His great weakness against Michael was that almost none of it worked on a fire-proof, mind-proof iron golem who solved every problem with a hug.
Relationships
- Michael: His opponent. Victoro tried to hire him, then insulted him, then banished him. Michael just wanted to hug him.
- Barbara: The barbed devil he summoned. She was put out at being called away from her foot soak, and he abandoned her in the arena without a ride home.
Memorable Quotes
- “For a fellow with no head, you talk quite a lot.” (Playtest 6)
- “I was going to kill you but I think maybe you would be good working for me instead… we have great benefits.” (Playtest 6)
- “Nobody hits Victoro in the face. Especially not you, faceless person.” (Playtest 6)
- “Get off of me, you ignorant, stupid metal man. Michael is a dumb name.” (Playtest 6)
- “Today, I will go to the pants store. And I will purchase the largest, fattest pants that I can find.” (Playtest 6)