First appearance: S4E16, The Dragon and the Spider, Ricky Red Dragon v Traxton (Spider) · watch it on YouTube
Ricky Red Dragon was one of the two champions of the Season 4 finale, a man in sunglasses, flip-flops and no pants who insisted he was a mighty red dragon trapped in human flesh. He fought the angsty elf Traxton, better known as Spider, in a forest clearing The Shadow King had been building as a festival venue. He played dead, juggled fake beards and slammed a Wall of Force up between his opponent’s legs, right into his newly dropped testicles. He was a bluffer to the very end, because his last words were a confession: “I’m not really a dragon.”
Story
Ricky stepped through the Grandmaster’s blood portal into the Shadow King’s throne room in The Dread Fortress. He walked straight into a private techno pre-party and a crowd of freshly shaved goblins. He explained that he had partied too hard at a techno concert the week before and been cursed into a squishy human “mortal coil.” He wanted his scales back, and the Grandmaster declared that “absolutely doable” as his prize. He even shared a bonding moment with the Shadow King, who said, “I had skin and then I didn’t have skin and now I have skin again.” The moment soured once the King agreed with Spider that Ricky didn’t look much like a dragon.
In the arena, Ricky opened by teleporting into a tree for the high ground and, having no wings, T-posed to assert dominance. It worked well enough to unnerve Spider, right up until Spider cast Darkness on him. Ricky, who is terrified of the dark, fell out of the tree ass-first. He spent his crowd-given boost on a Banishment fueled by “all of my butthurt anger,” only to lose a duel of counterspells. He fought back with a zigzagging clip-art Fire Bolt and a joy-buzzer handshake that crackled with lightning. Between attacks he handed Spider his entire bin of wintergreen mints for his bad breath. A glowing portal circle armored him in purple, at the cost of opening each turn with a lyric from an annoying song: “Friday” first, then “Sweet Caroline” with the Acolytes singing along.
The Box of Chaos made him stronger. Ricky fed it one of the unwashed spare beards he kept in his pockets, prompting the Shadow King to ask, “You didn’t actually shit in this, did you?” In return it gave him the beards of many things. He fastened the white one over his existing beard and felt “like a warm summer’s day,” growing vastly more experienced and harder to hit. Then Spider’s gift from the box, a wooden rod shaped like a dick and holding a single Fireball, met Ricky’s own Fireball tip to tip. Ricky rolled a perfect 20, the fireballs touched, and the explosion caught them both. Ricky took the full blast and was left barely alive. The Grandmaster remarked that “you’ve never taken a load this big to the face before.” He collapsed and played dead, tongue hanging out (“People die at parties all the time”). He secretly healed himself by tonguing the tip of one of the healing rods that had sprouted from the scorched ground. He conjured an illusion of the Acolyte Ristin to assure Spider the body was dead. When Spider stood over him flexing, Ricky cast Wall of Force straight up between his legs and launched him twenty feet into the air.
He crawled back to the Box, dived face-first into it, and came out with a +3 Christmas nutcracker maul. He never got to swing it. Spider unleashed a Destructive Wave of unprocessed teenage angst, and Ricky crumbled to dust. His parting wisdom to Spider was “All that angst you have built up, it never goes away.” His last words went to the Shadow King: “I’m not really a dragon.” The furious Grandmaster threw a popcorn bowl full of rocks at his remains. The Shadow King sniffed that he had known all along: “Dragons don’t have to tell you they’re dragons. You just know.”
Personality and Abilities
Ricky was pompous, cheerful and endlessly talkative. He was a self-described “dragon that goes to raves” who claimed to be 6,012 years old and kept a fake beard on to prove it. He wore sunglasses from Costco, flip-flops and a top with pockets, but no pants. He was also colorblind, which made his nutcracker’s red-and-blue paint job a matter of faith. He spoke in bro-isms (“If you build it, they will come, bro”), offered to share his life story, claimed that words hurt his feelings, and mentioned a political career he hoped to uphold “one day.” Whether his borrowed body had a cloaca remained, legally, a question he could not answer.
In a fight he relied on spells and misdirection rather than muscle. His tools included Misty Step, Banishment, Counterspell, Fire Bolt, Shocking Grasp, Fireball, Minor Illusion and Wall of Force. His best weapon was nerve: he kept needling the Grandmaster about her arena’s dial-up Wi-Fi, and his fake death fooled Spider completely. At the table, his player admitted he had kept escalating the jokes because he expected a thunderbolt any moment. The Grandmaster’s player explained that insulting her was fine, but insulting her arena was not.
Relationships
- Traxton: His opponent, the 45-year-old “teenage” elf Spider. Ricky came to like him (“He’s growing on me. Do I have to kill him?”) and was “part of this man’s awakening” before Spider killed him.
- The Shadow King: Bonded with Ricky over life without flesh, then sided with Spider in mocking him. He ended up on the receiving end of Ricky’s dying confession.
- Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer: Promised him his scales back. He spent the match baiting her, and she pelted his dust with a bowl of rocks.
- The Box of Chaos: The tormented soul inside traded him the beards of many things for a dirty beard, then gave up a nutcracker maul after Ricky dived in face-first.
Memorable Quotes
- “They don’t call me Chromatic Red for nothing.” (S4E16, The Dragon and the Spider, Ricky Red Dragon v Traxton (Spider))
- “I am terrified of the dark.” (S4E16)
- “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words hurt my feelings.” (S4E16)
- “That is his biggest folly of the night. Oops, I did it again. I cast Wall of Force. Goodbye, bitch.” (S4E16)
- “Wait, let me tell you a secret. All that angst you have built up, it never goes away.” (S4E16)
- “I have a secret to tell you… I’m not really a dragon.” (S4E16)