First appearance: S7E11 — The Cat’s Meow — Zhora Bloodfang v Bezil · watch it on YouTube
Zhora Bloodfang is a half-orc barbarian, about six and a half feet tall, with thick locks pulled up into a ponytail, a mohawk, tusks and heavy tattoos. She comes from an island, eats a lot of fish, and can talk to animals. She is estranged from her family. Her father is human, and she says nobody expected him to land a lady like her mom. She came to the arena ready to party and found herself facing the most adorable opponent in the show’s history. She lost to him once, came back, and won anyway.
Story
Zhora fought in S7E11 — The Cat’s Meow — Zhora Bloodfang v Bezil, the first Deathmatch held at The Ether Drifts under the worms’ new agreement. Thea had recruited her. When she learned her opponent was Bezil, a winged cat a foot tall, she was horrified: “You’re saying I gotta hurt the little good boy?” The Grandmaster offered her power, gold and the Arbiter’s whole collection of Italian leather shoes. What Zhora wanted was to restart her dad’s bakery, find a nice wife, raise a family and retire, with Bezil mounted on her mantle.
She opened with a natural 1, trying to intimidate a cat who denied being an animal. She offered him a way out: a warm bed, every kind of milk, kraken jerky and a matching pair of jammies at her place. He wanted a live kraken. Her first real hit was undone by a meow that turned out to be Silvery Barbs. Bezil then set her mohawk on fire with sardine-scented breath and clawed her left butt cheek on a natural 20. When she raged, her ass clenched so hard it stopped the bleeding. She landed a 31-damage blow while sobbing that she was sorry. Then Bezil hacked up a flaming hairball for 85 damage. The Acolytes gave her a heroic surge, and she tried to catch the hairball and Hadouken it back. It carried her into a cart of drinks instead, and she died.
Thea duct-taped her back together with camouflage, black, blue, orange and rainbow tape, and gave her the rest of the roll. Zhora came back still raging. When Bezil mentioned that the squirrels in his neighborhood hated him, she recruited one of them, Jameson, a cowboy squirrel with two revolvers. Bezil blinded and deafened her with a giant shadow cat so warm she almost stayed inside it (“We got a bakery to find!”). She broke free on a natural 20, and the Arbiter ruled she could never be blinded or deafened again. When Bezil tried to summon his draconic spirit, Jameson shot it apart. “Brother, I never knew I needed you.”
She climbed the stands like a panther and missed twice. She survived a Cone of Cold to the face, and took three claw marks from her forehead to her lip, which she declared made her even sexier. The Grandmaster gave her a permanent bonus to Performance for it. Then she grabbed Bezil, told him he smelled like strawberries and sunshine, and started squeezing. He bit her cheek, transmuted his frost into fire and left her on one hit point. She picked out his taxidermy eyes (one yellow, one gold, because he fought valiantly), whispered “Don’t worry, brother, we will be reunited in Valhalla,” and hugged him to death. He peed on her as he died. “That’s called scent marking, and that means you like me.”
She won twelve new bakeries and kept Bezil’s body as her trophy, wearing it over her shoulders like a stole for her victory speech. In it, she thanked her estranged family, her dad (“sweet human bacon”), 3M for the duct tape, and Bezil “for the donation of your organs and body.”
In Dried Blood, Zhora said her bakery’s best item is the cat croquembouche: cream puffs shaped like little cats, glazed with golden syrup and filled with catnip-scented sweet cream. The bakery’s mascot is Bezil. She invited everyone to Bezil’s Bakery, where it’s buy two, get one free on all milk bread. In the end her cocoa invitation was open to all the Acolytes.
Personality and Abilities
Zhora is loud, affectionate and rough, and she loves animals, which made this fight miserable for her. She cried while landing her best hit and baby-talked her opponent while crushing him. She is a barbarian of the Path of the Wild Heart. She can speak with animals and climbs like a panther while raging. She fights with a great battleaxe and a throwing handaxe, and hauls up chunks of the ground to throw. She can no longer be blinded or deafened. Her scar has given her a permanent edge in Performance.
Relationships
- Bezil: her opponent, her killer, her victim and now her bakery’s mascot. She loved him the whole time.
- Jameson: the cowboy squirrel who joined her side. She calls him “brother.”
- Thea: recruited her and duct-taped her back together.
Memorable Quotes
- “You’re saying I gotta hurt the little good boy?”
- “A lot of ways to skin a cat.”
- “No more butterfly kisses!”
- “You have an unfair advantage because you’re cute.”
- “Brother, I never knew I needed you.”
- “I’m even sexier now. No lady’s gonna be able to resist me.”
- “You smell like strawberries and sunshine, you do.”
- “That’s called scent marking, and that means you like me.”
- “Thank you for the donation of your organs and body. They will be cherished.”