LIVE at Full Sail Hall of Fame 2024 - Lief Tover v Sheriff Tapatio S. Picante

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A sweltering live crowd watched Lief Tover, a champion from the deepest depths of a garbage dump, face Sheriff Tapatio S. Picante, a gunless lawman who rode a chicken named Clucky Cheese. They fought in what the Grandmaster declared were “the deep, dark jungles of Florida.” The audience did much of the dice-throwing, and that turned out to be fatal. The Sheriff deputized half the crowd and lost his chicken early. In the end he was undone by his own posse’s terrible luck.

The Story

Before the Fight

The night opened deep in the halls of The Dread Fortress, in its subterranean lava field. The Arbiter came clacking down the corridors in his Italian leather boots, doing the sound effect himself (“I’m not good at sounds”), looking for the Grandmaster. She had no idea she was needed anywhere. She asked whether she could use her indoor voice again. Then she saw the crowd, and her mood lifted. She looked over The Acolytes, let one of them stay, and announced that she only wanted people “ready for blood.” The crowd answered with the old call: “Blood! Violence! Chaos!”

The Arbiter introduced her as “she who shattered The Shadow King, to she who pierces the sky.” She returned the favor in her own way:

Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer: “Who the hell is the Arbiter? I’m so glad none of you asked that because we don’t care.”

The Arbiter had at least one fan, and he offered to hook him up with a chinchilla. “We got a whole slew of unionized chinchillas,” he explained, and the Grandmaster added that the chinchillas come with a fully stocked kitchen. Then the Arbiter forgot why they were there. Reminded that this was a live Deathmatch, he offered to fight the Grandmaster himself. She declined because she “would embarrass you so greatly,” and he agreed it would be “like Tyson versus Jake Paul.” Luckily, he knew a couple of guys. “We played bingo together a couple weeks ago.”

His “very, very big, thick muscles” bulged and crackled. Someone in the crowd asked, “What muscles?” and he told them he was role-playing. Then he clapped his hands and ripped a portal open in time and space. Through it stepped the night’s champions.

Trash Man and the Law

The grudge was already old. The Sheriff had come to collect a bounty on the “Trash Viking,” whom he accused of “cheating ways of bingo.” Lief Tover said he was quite familiar with garbage, and that was all he saw. The Sheriff warned him not to talk about Clucky Cheese like that, and Lief Tover turned his attention to the chicken. “Clucky cheese? That’s an adorable name,” he said. “Too bad he has to die.”

The Sheriff introduced himself as “Sheriff Tapatio Espicante.” He called on everyone in the crowd wearing a badge to help him capture the criminal who had disrespected his darling Clucky Cheese. He came unarmed: “Unfortunately, due to standards, the government took my guns!” He mimed them instead, complete with sound effects.

Lief Tover had traveled “from the deepest depths of my garbage dump” to bring death to the Sheriff. For too long, he said, the lawman had broken into his home and stolen poster board to slander his name. The Grandmaster polled the crowd, found it close, and put her money on “Leif Tober.” That left the Arbiter “no choice but to hitch my saddle to the sheriff.”

The Grandmaster rose on giant white wings, and the Arbiter rushed to describe how glorious they looked. She took everyone to a jungle that was sweaty and swampy, with alligators, snakes and “huge-ass mosquitoes.” Her instructions were simple: “look at this jungle and destroy it. Please and thank you.”

Diapers, Chickens and Bad Luck

Lief Tover struck first with a poisoned explosive packed with a month’s worth of used diapers. He admitted he couldn’t read. The thrown die hit an audience member, and the Arbiter reminded everyone that “We don’t have medical insurance.” The Sheriff sidestepped the bomb with frontier grit learned in Tallahassee. He dodged Lief Tover’s trash bag too, because Clucky Cheese, who wears Converse, “can outmaneuver you any day of the week.” The Grandmaster, amazed at those tiny chicken legs, asked permission for an inappropriate joke: “He knows how to ride that cock well.”

The Sheriff answered with shots that landed. A crowd member called the Unicorn granted Lief Tover a second chance against one of them, though he still couldn’t avoid the hit. Then the Sheriff tried to kneecap him. The Grandmaster pulled her struggling champion aside and had the crowd surround him chanting “Do better.” An Acolyte she picked screamed while throwing the die for him and rolled a natural 20. The kneecap failed, and Lief Tover came back stronger. “That’s how you do better,” said the Grandmaster.

The second round turned dark for the Sheriff. One of his deputies rolled a natural 1 and was thrown off the stage, and the Sheriff blamed himself: “I got someone who didn’t have a hat.” Then Lief Tover went for the chicken. “How are you gonna have a chicken with only one eye now?” he asked, and soon Clucky Cheese was dead. “You killed his chicken,” the Grandmaster mourned.

The trash man had bad luck of his own. He crushed a soda can into a bullet-speed pellet (“I don’t need a gun”) and fumbled it. He took it with style: “I don’t look at explosions. I am the explosion.”

The Sheriff asked for a grave. He brought his “Epic content posse” on stage to pass the die from hand to hand, and the result was another natural 1. The Arbiter explained the rule that would decide the night: five fatigues means death, and every natural 1 brought another. The grieving Sheriff then picked up the dead chicken and beat Lief Tover with it. The Grandmaster called it “pretty foul.” His next shot was another natural 1, and she judged it a “disappointing round overall, Tapatio.”

Chaos in the Crowd

The Arbiter thought things were getting boring, so the Grandmaster called the first chaos event: a hula hoop contest between crowd representatives. The Sheriff put forward Jeremy from Puerto Rico, who had lived the Odyssey just getting there. Lief Tover chose a man from Los Angeles who understood “the nature of garbage.” “Come on, little Shakiras,” the Grandmaster urged, and Trash won. The Sheriff said it hurt his heart. “At least you have one,” she told him. “At least maybe for now until we rip it out and then eat it later.”

In the third round Lief Tover’s spear missed. He swooped in from above, having learned to fly from a cockroach, but a deputy swatted him down “like a bug you are!” The Sheriff’s handful of pocket dirt missed too; Lief Tover had “memorized all the movement patterns of your particles.” The Sheriff then had a deputy “pull a Wanted” and curve a bullet into him. After that, Naomi, a film student from Bama, landed a brawling punch with her “entire department reputation” on the line. Lief Tover’s defender rolled a natural 1, and the Grandmaster banished them from the stage forever. When the Sheriff threatened to beat him with the chicken again, Lief Tover shot back: “You got plenty of practice. Beating the chicken, don’t you?”

The second chaos event was “the golden shower of balloons.” The Grandmaster explained that she ruled the kingdom with “a very large set of balls,” her “big gold balls.” Gold balloons went out into the crowd, and one held a secret prize. “Go find my balls!” she ordered. Both champions sprinted off through the audience, all the way to the food court. “We will never see them again,” said the Grandmaster. The Sheriff delegated the search to his posse, and they found the prize, a D20. With that, the score was dead even. “His chicken may be dead,” the Arbiter said, “but his spirit is not yet.”

Ball, Pancakes and Badges

After a stretch break, Lief Tover revealed that the dumpster had taught him magic. “I cast Ball,” he announced. “I don’t know how magic works, bro, but it’s gonna hurt.” It did. He then fed the Sheriff pancake berry bites, vowing to keep going “until you vomit.” “Oh, no! I was on keto!” wailed the Sheriff, who admitted he was mourning his lost gains more than Clucky.

The Grandmaster asked whether the Sheriff had a posse or a cult. He answered by handing sheriff badges out to the crowd, while Lief Tover handed out trash, which the Grandmaster declared fashion. The Sheriff made his rival eat a die. Lief Tover said he hadn’t been force-fed like that since he was a child, when the coyotes of the garbage dump “fed me by vomiting in my mouth.” He also caught the Sheriff’s badge thrown like a shuriken. The Sheriff revealed Clucky Cheese’s origin: the chicken was a gift from “a great wizard in the Frontier named Amazon,” who had also given him a mystical egg for a second Clucky. He promised the egg to a fan if she could land a hit. She missed by a hair, and the Grandmaster ruled that “Fluffy Chicken stays dead.”

In the fifth round Lief Tover’s last healing potion failed (“I’ve never been good at drinking”), but the crowd chanted for “the bag.” The Sheriff went into the trash bag, came out slippery, and tried to tear a hole in it on his way out. “I feel like this is a huge violation to touch another man’s bag,” said the Grandmaster. The Sheriff’s posse then tried to jump Lief Tover, and they rolled a fourth natural 1 to boos and chants of “Shame!”

The third chaos event was “hot balls”: a game of hot potato played with giant beach balls, with the Grandmaster serving as the net. The Sheriff’s side won it and chanted “We have heart!” A fan answered by giving Lief Tover trash chips for inspiration, and the Arbiter let it boost him.

The Final Blow

Lief Tover went all or nothing with a massive surge. With the blow coming, the Grandmaster offered the Sheriff a chance at last words. He told his haters that “one of y’all is walking out of here with a chicken today. And the rest of y’all are just chickens to begin with.” Then he shut the attack down completely. Lief Tover tried again, and his volunteer roller took the mic to say “Fuck the police.” It was a fumble: “it appears that the dump truck that was coming for you has hit me.”

The Sheriff had the advantage now. He called up Austin, a deputy he remembered from last year. Austin rolled a natural 1, the Sheriff’s fifth.

The Grandmaster summoned him for a eulogy. “You have lived a good life and made Fluffy Cheese proud of the fight you have put on today. As we know, death is never the end, isn’t it?” The Sheriff’s dying words went to the man who had rolled the die:

Sheriff Tapatio S. Picante: “Austin, you were the one that rolled the die that killed me. Every time you ride Clucky Cheese, I want you to remember what you did to me today.”

Lief Tover was victorious. “Like I said in the beginning, trash lasts forever,” he told the crowd. “Thank you, trash team! We did it!” The Grandmaster, who had won her bet, told him to “light the plastic in the landfills.” The Arbiter closed the night: “Let’s hear it for Italian Leather.”

Notable Moments

• Lief Tover’s opening attack was a poisoned bomb stuffed with a month of used diapers, and its die hit a spectator.
• The crowd surrounded Lief Tover chanting “Do better,” and an Acolyte’s screaming throw came up a natural 20.
• Clucky Cheese was killed in the second round, and the Sheriff then beat Lief Tover with the dead chicken.
• The golden balloon hunt sent both champions running through the audience to the food court.
• Lief Tover cast a spell called “Ball” and admitted he didn’t know how magic works.
• The Sheriff’s own deputies rolled most of his five fatal natural 1s, and Austin rolled the last one.

Memorable Quotes

• Lief Tover: “A man is only as good as his trash bag, so you’re about to meet the business end of mine.”
• Sheriff Tapatio S. Picante: “Unfortunately, due to standards, the government took my guns!”
• The Arbiter: “It’s been a trash-filled chicken clusterfuck so far.”
• Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer: “Do you have a posse or do you have a cult?”
• Sheriff Tapatio S. Picante: “Oh, no! I was on keto!”
• Lief Tover: “I’ve studied dirt my entire life. I’ve memorized all the movement patterns of your particles, brother.”
• Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer: “Remember, death is not the ending. It is merely yet another challenge that we will conquer, for we are great, are we not?”
• Lief Tover: “Like I said in the beginning, trash lasts forever. So there was no way he could win from the start.”

Who and What Appears

Characters

Lief Tover (guest; creator not confirmed). The “Trash Man,” called “Trash Viking” by the Sheriff.

• Background:
  • Lives in a garbage dump, “my place of residence.”
  • Abandoned by his grandfather at two months old, before learning to speak.
  • Raised partly by the dump’s coyotes, who fed him by vomiting in his mouth.
  • A cockroach taught him “to fly.”
  • His mother told him he’d never read, and he can’t read.
• Claims and allegations:
  • Studied dirt his whole life.
  • Hasn’t eaten in ten days.
  • The Sheriff says he cheats at bingo and was in prison (“three square meals”).
  • “Me and Kreek go way back,” and he names “Krieg” in round 6. Possibly a Borderlands Krieg cosplay; unconfirmed.
• Fighting style: magic learned in the trash dump: a poisoned diaper bomb, acid, the soda-can bullet, “Ball,” pancake berry bites, the trash bag. “I don’t need a gun.”
• Outcome: won, by outlasting the Sheriff (“trash lasts forever”). Gave trash to his supporters as gifts and fashion.

Sheriff Tapatio S. Picante (“Espicante”; guest; creator not confirmed).

• Background:
  • “A man of the law” from the frontier, Tallahassee.
  • The government took his guns “due to standards.”
  • Came to collect a bounty on Lief Tover.
  • Rides the chicken Clucky Cheese.
• Style: deputizes the crowd with badges (“posse” / “cult”). He was on keto.
• Outcome: died in the arena after his fifth natural 1 (five fatigues). The Grandmaster said she would carry him to his grave.

Clucky Cheese (Caustic Phoenix calls it “Fluffy Cheese”).

• The Sheriff’s chicken mount. Nimble, wears Converse.
• A gift from “a great wizard in the Frontier named Amazon,” who also gave a mystical egg for a second Clucky Cheese.
• Killed by Lief Tover in round 2 (one eye first), then used as a weapon by the Sheriff.

The Arbiter (Mudcat).

• Italian leather boots. Says he played bingo with both champions a couple weeks ago.
• Has “a whole slew of unionized chinchillas.”
• Bet on the Sheriff and lost.

Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer (Caustic Phoenix).

• “She who shattered the Shadow King.” Has giant white wings.
• Refuses to fight the Arbiter because she would embarrass him.
• Rules “this kingdom” with her “big gold balls.”
• Bet on Lief Tover and won.
• States that death is never the end.

Crowd figures (Acolytes): Jeremy (Puerto Rico), Michael (Los Angeles), Philip, Gabriel, “Yester,” Naomi (Bama, film student), Austin (from last year’s show), the “Unicorn,” and the trash-chips fan.

Places

• The Dread Fortress, its halls in the subterranean lava field.
• The arena: “the deep, dark jungles of Florida.”
• The Frontier and Tallahassee (the Sheriff’s home); Lief Tover’s garbage dump.

Items

• Lief Tover’s trash bag and soda can; the Sheriff’s bounty potion (unclear), sheriff badges, the “deputy shuriken,” pocket dirt, and Clucky Cheese’s mystical egg.
• The golden balloons. The prize inside one was a D20.

Lore statements

• “Death is never the end… merely yet another challenge that we will conquer… our stories will carry on forever” (the Grandmaster).
• The Arbiter rips portals in time and space by clapping.

Full Round-by-Round

Every beat of the episode, with timestamps (click to expand)

Opening: the halls of the Dread Fortress

1. 0:00:06 The show opens: “Welcome to D20 Deathmatch.” Mudcat welcomes Full Sail back and asks who was there last year: “Every year I gotta say the same things.”
2. 0:00:35 Narration: “We find ourselves deep in the halls of the Dread Fortress in the subterranean lava field in the halls of the Grandmaster as the Arbiter clacks his Italian leather boots down the hallways.” Mudcat makes the clack sound and admits, “I’m not good at sounds.”
3. 0:00:55 The Arbiter calls for the Grandmaster. She asks whether she needed to be somewhere (“Did you need me for something?”). He shouts that they’re doing a show, and she asks, “Can I use my indoor voice again?”
4. 0:01:11 The Grandmaster likes a live show. She looks over the crowd, picks out one Acolyte (“Okay, she can stay”), and says she only wants people “ready for blood.” Call and response follows: “Blood!” “Violence!” “Chaos!” She replies, “This is who I want!”
5. 0:01:43 The Arbiter introduces her: “she who shattered the Shadow King, to she who pierces the sky, the Grandmaster, Elusia Skypiercer!” He tells one overexcited fan to have a drink before he “bust[s] a blood vessel.”
6. 0:02:11 The Grandmaster: “I have never seen a more devoted Acolyte face.” Then: “Who the hell is the Arbiter? I’m so glad none of you asked that because we don’t care.”
7. 0:02:23 The Arbiter has a fan. He offers to hook him up, “Maybe like a chinchilla… We got a whole slew of unionized chinchillas.” The Grandmaster adds that the chinchillas get a fully stocked kitchen (“free stock kitchen”).
8. 0:02:47 The Arbiter forgets what they’re doing. The Grandmaster: “a live show deathmatch.” The crowd chants “Deathmatch.”
9. 0:03:03 The Grandmaster refuses to fight the Arbiter herself: “I’m not fighting you because I would embarrass you so greatly. So I hope you brought someone to fight.” The Arbiter agrees it would be “like Tyson versus Jake Paul.” He knows “a couple of guys. We played bingo together a couple weeks ago.”
10. 0:03:17 The Arbiter’s “very, very big, thick muscles begin to bulge and crackle.” Someone heckles “What muscles?” He answers: “Just listen, I’m role-playing here.” With “muscles, lightning, magic, chaos” he claps his hands and rips open a portal in time and space. Through it come Lief Tover and Sheriff Tapatio S. Picante.

The champions present themselves

11. 0:04:33 The Sheriff to Lief Tover: “I’m here for your bounty there, Trash Viking. I know all about you, and you’re cheating ways of bingo. And I’m coming for you tonight.” (Attributed to the Sheriff from context. The second sentence is tagged speaker 01.)
12. 0:04:42 Lief Tover: “Since we’re talking about knowing everything about one another, I’m quite familiar with garbage, and that’s all I see.” The Sheriff: “Don’t you dare talk about clucky cheese like that.” Lief Tover: “Clucky cheese? … That’s an adorable name… Too bad he has to die.” Someone shouts “Kill the chicken!” Clucky Cheese is the Sheriff’s chicken, which he rides (stated later: “Every time you ride Clucky Cheese”).
13. 0:05:21 The Sheriff’s introduction. “My name is Sheriff Tapatio Espicante.” He rallies “every single one of y’all that came with me that’s got a badge on your head” to help “capture this criminal who dares disrespect my darling clucky cheese!” Then: “Unfortunately, due to standards, the government took my guns!” He mimes them instead: “Pew, pew.”
14. 0:06:19 Lief Tover’s introduction. “I traveled all the way from the deepest depths of my garbage dump to come here and bring death upon this foul sheriff! For too long you have broken into my place of residence and stolen poster board to slander my name… And today it ends.”
15. 0:06:46 Bets. The Grandmaster polls the crowd, finds it close, and says: “I’m putting my money on Leif Tober.” The Arbiter: “that leaves me no choice but to hitch my saddle to the sheriff.”

To the arena

17. 0:07:45 The Arbiter stands, “muscles glistening in the sun.” The Grandmaster interrupts with her own entrance: “I’ve got giant-ass wings that open up and the heavens take me up.” The Arbiter: “I was getting to the wings… Giant, white, glorious wings glowing in the sun.” He opens a portal (“I actually came with a chicken,” which is unclear).
18. 0:08:12 The arena. The Grandmaster: “We are going to the deep, dark jungles of Florida… where it is sweaty, it’s swampy, we’ve got alligators, we’ve got snakes, and we got huge-ass mosquitoes!” She tells the champions: “look at this jungle and destroy it. Please and thank you.”
19. 0:09:04 Initiative. One champion rolls a natural 1 (“These dots are loaded”). Who rolled it is unclear; the context suggests the Sheriff. The other rolls 13. The Grandmaster: “I would have kicked you both off the stage if we started off with that one.” Someone says “I’m low to die,” and the Arbiter answers, “Spoken just like a policeman.” Lief Tover acts first.

Round 1

20. 0:10:31 Lief Tover compliments the crowd: “it feels real good to see somebody who knows their way around a trash dump here… Me and Kreek go way back.”
21. 0:10:31 The diaper bomb. He takes out “this fantastic explosive. I can’t read,” and uses “the magic I’ve learned inside of the trash dump.” He packs it “with every nasty, disgusting used diaper that I have found in the last month,” poisons it, and throws it at the Sheriff.
22. 0:11:29 The thrown die hits an audience member (“He took her out!”). The Arbiter: “We don’t have medical insurance.” The Grandmaster: “What is insurance?” They get verbal confirmation she’s fine: “Legally, she’s fine.”
23. 0:12:22 The Sheriff dodges: “I have been through worse on the frontiers of where I’m from, Tallahassee… I ain’t scared of no garbage man. I’m a man of the law.”
24. 0:13:03 The grandpa move. Lief Tover: “my grandpa abandoned me at the young age of two months before he taught me how to speak.” The Sheriff: “You were trash at an early age, huh?” “I was trash at an early age.” Lief Tover: “He said, a man is only as good as his trash bag, so you’re about to meet the business end of mine.” The crowd chants “TRASH!”
25. 0:14:05 The Sheriff dodges again (a natural 19): “Clucky can outmaneuver you any day of the week. So a little sidestep to the here, a little sidestep there, and you got nothing on me, trash man.” Lief Tover: “Good thing this was just a practice round, Mr. Chicken.” The Arbiter: “He’s slow playing us, Grandmaster.”
26. 0:14:31 The Grandmaster: “I did not expect tiny little chicken legs to be able to move so fast.” The chicken wears Converse. She asks permission for an inappropriate joke: “He knows how to ride that cock well. It’s funny because it’s a chicken and I used a different word.”
27. 0:15:11 The Sheriff’s first attack. He asks his posse for recommendations, then shoots: “Point black at Hyrule as the sun rises right behind me” (probably “point-blank”). It hits. Lief Tover cries, “We got his trash bag! That’s not your property!”
28. 0:16:15 Second attack. “Let’s take the trash where it belongs, right back in the garbage can!” Lief Tover’s defense comes up a natural 1. Then someone shouts “The Unicorn!” A unicorn (apparently a crowd prop or person) “grants the reroll.” The reroll is 6, which still isn’t enough. The attack hits, but the Unicorn saved him from the extra natural-1 penalty.
29. 0:17:39 Third action: the kneecap. The Sheriff uses a status effect: “let’s go ahead and kneecap this man right now.” He rolls (“I bowl as a hobby”). A crowd member is asked “Is that your real name?” and the Grandmaster notes it’s on the badge. Lief Tover’s first defense falls short.
30. 0:18:43 “Do better.” The Grandmaster pulls Lief Tover aside (“You’ve not been doing well”) and has the crowd encircle him chanting “Do better.” The Acolytes grant him +1. “All hail the holy dice.” She picks a representative to throw it (“You must scream as you throw”). It comes up a natural 20: “That’s how you do better.” The kneecap fails, Lief Tover regains a point of fighting spirit, and he gains an adrenaline. The Arbiter: “the important part is that you weren’t the one touching the dice.”

Round 2

31. 0:21:28 The Sheriff: “You know, Borderlands is technically a Western.” The Grandmaster brings both up front. Both champions are at 15.
32. 0:22:24 Acid. Lief Tover: “I’m gonna take this acid and I’m gonna blow it right in your face.” A healing potion is mentioned in passing (unclear). Then: “the crowd loves me because they know the law is on the wrong side of the law.” A crowd volunteer rolls for him. The Grandmaster: “I can see why you chose him. He looks like trash. Oh, and you smell like it, too.” The Arbiter, puzzled: “I thought you would have gone with Picante, because you got chicken ankles.” The Grandmaster: “I will cast pain on you all.” It’s a strong attack.
33. 0:23:46 The Sheriff brings up a deputy (“stay hydrated”): “Unlike you, trash man. I treat my people with respect.” The deputy rolls a natural 1. The Arbiter throws him off the stage: “You gotta get the hell out of here.” The Sheriff: “That was my fault. I got someone who didn’t have a hat.” Two points of damage.
34. 0:24:44 Clucky Cheese is killed. Lief Tover goes after the chicken: “How are you gonna have a chicken with only one eye now? That’s just the beginning, brother.” The Grandmaster: “Oh, my poor chicken. Is he laying an egg? No, he’s dying. You killed his chicken.” Lief Tover: “Yeah, I did.” The Sheriff partly undresses (“He’s stripping. Oh, that’s attached”) and asks for his shoes. “You don’t need shoes!” “No shoes!”
35. 0:25:47 The soda-can bullet. Lief Tover: “I will crush this soda can into the smallest little pellet and throw it through your body with the velocity of a bullet.” The Sheriff: “You know you can just use actual bullets.” “I don’t need a gun.” He rolls a natural 1. The Arbiter: “Cool guys should probably look at the explosions.” Lief Tover: “I don’t look at explosions. I am the explosion.” He loses a point and gains a fatigue.
36. 0:27:03 The Sheriff mourns. “This man killed your chicken.” The Sheriff: “I need a grave.” He brings his deputies on stage (“Epic content posse”) and has them toss the die from one to the next. “Instructions couldn’t have been more clear.” The result is a natural 1: “How are you all this bad?” Lief Tover: “looks like you’re a little more familiar with trash than we all realize.” The Sheriff takes his second fatigue. The Arbiter explains that five fatigues means death.
37. 0:29:08 Lief Tover: “I haven’t eaten in ten days, I’m great.” The Sheriff: “They gave you three square meals in prison.” Lief Tover defends successfully with a 12. He tips his roller: “Would you like some trash?” The Sheriff: “Pretty sure that wasn’t even recyclable.” “I mean, it came from a dumpster.”
38. 0:30:40 The dead-chicken attack. “And we’re going for my darling, Clucky Cheese.” The Sheriff swings the dead chicken. The Grandmaster: “Rolling with the dead chicken. That’s pretty foul.” It hits (18 against 15). Lief Tover: “It was a valiant effort… Trash sticks together.” The Sheriff: “It’s all about consistency and diligence and probably the American way.” Lief Tover: “how are you going to hit me with your gosh dang chicken?”
39. 0:32:09 The Grandmaster sends both champions for water (“I’m not wanting anyone to pass out yet”). The deputies chant “Trash Man sucks!”
40. 0:32:30 The Sheriff’s third action is “a good old-fashioned bullet.” Someone asks, “What is he, a monk?” It’s another natural 1: “That’s what I call garbage.” He takes his third fatigue. Lief Tover passes his own check with a 6. The Grandmaster: “disappointing round overall, Tapatio. I expect better next time.”

Chaos event 1: the hula hoop (0:33:32)

41. The Arbiter: “This is kind of boring, right?” The Grandmaster: “I think it’s time to spice things up.” She calls a chaotic event: a hula hoop competition between crowd representatives. Each champion must introduce his representative “in the best badass way possible.”
42. 0:34:55 The Sheriff’s pick is Jeremy, “from Puerto Rico… Y’all ever see the Odyssey? Great piece of western. Jeremy lived it getting here.”
43. 0:35:27 Lief Tover’s pick is Michael from Los Angeles, who “absolutely understands the nature of garbage… He is an expert in trash food. And the one thing, the first thing that we learn is how to hula hoop.”
44. 0:36:03 The Grandmaster: “Come on, little Shakiras. Let’s see what your hips can do.” After a countdown, Trash wins. The Sheriff takes two points of damage: “It hurts my heart.” “Only the heart?” The Grandmaster: “at least you have one. At least maybe for now until we rip it out and then eat it later. For a delicious meal.” Score: Lief Tover 13, Sheriff 8.

Round 3

45. 0:37:43 The Arbiter: “It’s been a trash-filled chicken clusterfuck so far.”
46. 0:37:55 The spear. Lief Tover: “we’re about to switch into attack mode, my friend. So here comes the spear, baby… I’m not touching any of these dice anymore.” His roller is Philip. The Grandmaster: “That’s a dumb name. Good luck.” The Sheriff’s defender is Gabriel (“Keep me safe, Gabriel”), who rolls 19, so the spear misses. Someone then hands Gabriel a prop gun: “I probably won’t get in trouble for this, but here, have a gun.” (The speaker is unclear.) Lief Tover: “you’re your own worst enemy here, and you’re going to be going down, and it’ll be your fault eventually.”
47. 0:39:42 The cockroach. Lief Tover: “after I was abandoned by my grandfather, I met a very important creature. That was the cockroach.… I know you like to ride the cock, but have you met one that actually doesn’t suck?… the cockroach taught me one thing. It taught me how to fly. So I will swoop in from above and knock that hat off your face.” The crowd chants “Chosen one.” The die shifts from 14 to 8 as it settles. “Who’d you pay off, Sheriff?” “Oh, so many people, actually.” The Sheriff’s deputy asks, “You know how to crush a cockroach?” The deputy rolls 19: “Swat down like a bug you are!”
48. 0:41:31 The Arbiter: “Lief Tover, how does it feel to be a failure?” Lief Tover: “That feels pretty normal to me… sometimes you just gotta make sure you fail up.” The crowd poll is loud for both.
49. 0:42:25 Asked what’s in his back pocket, the Sheriff answers “Microphone… a battery pack” (out of character). Pocket dirt: “he’s digging in the trash, I’m gonna dig down to the deep old floor of dirt, and I’m just gonna go ahead and blind this sucker.” It’s a status effect, and it misses. Lief Tover: “I’ve studied dirt my entire life. I’ve memorized all the movement patterns of your particles, brother.”
50. 0:43:37 The curved bullet. The Sheriff brings up another deputy. The Grandmaster asks, “what is that movie where they curve the bullets?” The Sheriff: “Wanted… Angelina Jolie, great film… Can you pull a Wanted on this man?” “Curve the bullet.” It hits (13 against 11). The Sheriff: “I believe in those who believe in me.… I also gave away all my guns.”
51. 0:45:26 The tussle. “Let’s just go for a good old-fashioned brawl. You wanna tussle?” His roller is Naomi, from Bama, a film student. The Grandmaster: “Whether you win or lose, your entire department reputation is on the line.” The Arbiter tells her to look Lief Tover in the eyes, “deep in his soul.” The Sheriff: “You’re not going to find anything.” The Grandmaster: “It’s empty.” Naomi rolls 15 for a 17. Team Trash’s defender rolls a natural 1. Lief Tover takes double damage and another fatigue. The Grandmaster to that defender: “Never return to this stage ever again.”
52. 0:47:19 Lief Tover: “you sure do got a good punch, Sheriff… Better than your stupid bullets. How’s your dead chicken?” The Sheriff: “I’ll beat you with a chicken again.” Lief Tover: “You got plenty of practice. Beating the chicken, don’t you?” The Grandmaster sends them to their corners.
53. 0:48:00 Heat banter. The Arbiter: “These people out here, they are hot… I can smell most of them from here… think about deodorant.” There are misters on both sides. The Grandmaster: “Bunch of hydrated fuckers here.” The Arbiter: “The only people we want to see die today are up here on the stage.” The Grandmaster praises those in the sun and mocks “you fucking chickens hiding in the shadows back there”; the Arbiter calls them “the cowards in the shade.” The Sheriff goes down into the sun with the crowd. The Grandmaster: “are you teabagging the speaker?”

Chaos event 2: the golden shower of balloons (0:49:24)

54. The Grandmaster sends both champions off the stage: “the Grandmaster has a very large set of balls. That’s how I rule this kingdom.… My big gold balls.” The Arbiter: “We like to call this chaotic event the golden shower of balloons.” Gold balloons are thrown into the crowd, and one hides a secret prize. The crowd is “right now on my side” and must hide and pass the balloons. The champions must find the prize and pop that balloon: “Go find my balls!”
55. 0:51:10 The champions sprint off through the crowd, all the way down to the food court. The Grandmaster: “We will never see them again.” The Arbiter: “In terms of crowd retention, this was probably a bad idea.” They seem to play keep-away from each other: “I think they really misunderstood the assignment.” The Sheriff sends his posse to search. The Arbiter: “That’s delegation.”
56. 0:52:17 The Sheriff’s side finds the prize: a D20. The Sheriff: “Real winners are my deputies.” He hands out water bottles: “Please, drink some water.”
57. 0:52:45 The Grandmaster: “Some of you all really know how to handle some balls.” The Arbiter: “She’s reaching real deep into the sack for that joke.” The Grandmaster: “when I swing my sack, you’ll know.” Lief Tover loses two points. The score is 8 v 8. The Arbiter: “His chicken may be dead, but his spirit is not yet.”

Stretch break and Round 4

58. 0:54:17 The Grandmaster calls a stretch break before round 4. Lief Tover does a deep stretch, with the crowd shouting “Push!” The Sheriff: “Real men don’t stretch, but you know what? I’m not just a man today. I’m a warrior.” He builds “an arch.” Lief Tover: “Use that move on your mother… That actually really felt really good.”
59. 0:55:36 Ball. Lief Tover: “I spent a long time looking for magic spells, a long time in the dumpster. And let me tell you, I cast Ball.” The Grandmaster: “What?” “I don’t know how magic works, bro, but it’s gonna hurt.” It’s a dirty 20 to hit, and it lands (“Ow”). Lief Tover: “You didn’t think I could use magic, but guess what? I can.”
60. 0:56:51 Pancake berry bites. “My mom told me I would never be able to read, and that’s why I told her that I’m going to feed you pancake berry bites until you vomit.” The Sheriff: “This actually sounds kind of nice.” “Until the puking.” It hits (14 against 4). Lief Tover: “Looks like breakfast is on the menu, buddy.” The Sheriff: “I feel a little upset in the stomach… Oh, no! I was on keto!” Lief Tover: “No more ketosis for you, buddy!”
61. 0:58:20 The Sheriff: “I had so many games I just lost” (probably “gains”)… “I think I’m mourning my games a little bit more than I’m mourning Clucky.”
62. 0:58:28 Deputies and trash fashion. The Grandmaster: “Do you have a posse or do you have a cult?” The Sheriff: “Who else wants to be part of the cult?” He deputizes the crowd, handing out sheriff badges. Lief Tover hands out trash at the same time, and ends up with “a million badges” himself. A badge is snatched in the crowd. The Arbiter: “That’s the American way.” The Grandmaster: “Sheriff badges have been handed out. Trash has also been made fashion.” The Arbiter calls the trash littering. He tells Lief Tover, “Your head is much taller, which I think is a nice look for you.” The Grandmaster: “You look better than before.”
63. 1:00:11 Eat the dice. The Sheriff: “I feel the support from everyone who supports the law… I’m gonna make you eat this dice.… You make me eat pancakes, I’ll make you eat!” The crowd chants “Choke.” It hits. Lief Tover: “Oh, my God, my helmet!… I haven’t been force-fed like that since I was a child.” The Sheriff: “How does it feel when you were abandoned?” Lief Tover: “the coyotes that lived in the garbage dump, they fed me by vomiting in my mouth.” The Sheriff: “You look more like a raccoon kind of man.” “It happens.” The Grandmaster says, apropos of nothing, “They’re Italian leather.”
64. 1:01:39 The deputy shuriken. The Sheriff borrows a badge from the crowd: “We’re going to hit them with a deputy shuriken.” It misses, and Lief Tover catches it: “I didn’t want to give that back to him, though.” The Grandmaster: “Shut down again!”
65. 1:02:13 Clucky Cheese’s origin and the egg. The Grandmaster: “Oh, Chicken Man, please do not die.” She asks the chicken’s name and gets it wrong (“Fluffy Cheese”). The Sheriff corrects her: “Clucky Cheese.” Then: “I got Clucky Cheese from a great wizard in the Frontier named Amazon. And when Amazon gifted me Clucky Cheese… he actually gave me a mystical egg for a second Clucky Cheese.” He promises the egg to a fan who’s been rooting for him if she can land a hit on Lief Tover. She rolls exactly 10 and needed higher. The Grandmaster: “Fluffy Chicken stays dead.” The Sheriff: “This is all your fault.”
66. 1:03:55 End of round 4: Lief Tover 7, Sheriff 6. “Let’s get our round girl back up here.”

Round 5

67. 1:04:37 The Grandmaster: “Hey, you’re not down in the dumps, right?” Lief Tover: “Always.” “It’s a joke because you’re a trash man.” The Arbiter leads the crowd in a “Boo.”
68. 1:05:01 The potion fails. Lief Tover: “I’m going to use the last ounces of this healing potion that was given to me by my team down here.” He needs a Mettle save. “I’ve never been good at drinking, so this might not work.” He fails: “that ain’t drinking, my mouth is still dry.”
69. 1:06:04 The bag. He asks the crowd for inspiration, and they shout “The bag.” “It’s time for the bag, baby. We’re gonna put the helmet in the bag… We’re gonna put you in the bag.” It’s a dirty 20. The Sheriff’s defender, chosen for her hair (“Ooh, I love your hair”), rolls badly. The Grandmaster: “I just want you to know your place.” The Sheriff goes into the trash bag: “Oh, what’s in there? Oh, that was not pleasant.”
70. 1:08:04 Tearing the sack. The Sheriff: “You take me in the bag, I’m taking the bag with me.” The Grandmaster: “I feel like this is a huge violation to touch another man’s bag.” The Sheriff: “We didn’t make eye contact.” He powers up an attack to tear a hole in Lief Tover’s sack (16 to hit). Lief Tover is “feeling exhausted” and picks a high-energy helper. There’s a long “Trash!” chant, but the outcome isn’t said aloud. Inferred: it hit, because Lief Tover drops from 7 to 3 by the end of the round. The Sheriff: “There’s not even a joke there. That’s just funny.”
71. 1:09:38 The Western haymaker. The Sheriff: “No guns, only grit. … a good old-fashioned Western haymaker.” It totals 7 against Lief Tover’s 9, so it misses. The Sheriff: “I’m a little slippery from the contents of your bag, unfortunately.” Lief Tover: “I have a lot of things I could say. We should probably not say them.” The Grandmaster: “Let’s keep ourselves in good company this evening.”
72. 1:10:46 The jump. The Sheriff calls the “Picante posse” back up: “we’re going to jump you.… We’re not doing the bouncing thing like we did last time.” The die is passed hand to hand, and someone kisses it. It’s a natural 1. The crowd chants “Shame!” and boos. The Sheriff takes his fourth fatigue.

Chaos event 3: hot balls (1:12:17)

73. The Grandmaster splits the crowd into Lief Tover’s side and the Sheriff’s side (“Sheriff Esposito’s side, I’m sorry. Picante”) for “a fucking huge beach ball,” actually several. Lief Tover: “I cast that spell earlier.” The Grandmaster on the students: “These are students. They don’t listen to instructions.” The Arbiter: “Oh, they’re idiots.”
74. 1:13:15 Rules: when the countdown ends, whichever side has the most balls loses. “It is like a game of hot potato. Except now it’s just hot balls.” The Grandmaster: “I am the net.” The Arbiter: “One of these champions is going to die today, and it will be your fault!”
75. 1:15:14 Two balls end on Lief Tover’s side and one on the Sheriff’s, so the Sheriff wins. Lief Tover: “We got more balls… Most people don’t want garbage.” The Grandmaster: “Redemption for Picante.” The Sheriff’s side chants “We have heart!” The Grandmaster leads a toast: “Stay hydrated, my acolytes.”
76. 1:16:19 The Arbiter: “One of these champions will probably die very soon. Who do you guys want it to be?” The crowd yells “Trash!” “Are you saying you want him to die or you want him to win?” A fan offers Lief Tover trash chips: “Inspiration!” The Arbiter grants +2 to his rolls for the round. Score: Lief Tover 3, Sheriff 5.

Round 6: the death of Sheriff Tapatio S. Picante

77. 1:17:28 The Grandmaster: “Let’s hear it for Krieg!” The Arbiter reminds them both still have power-ups, status effects and a Heroic Surge.
78. 1:17:56 Lief Tover goes all or nothing with a Heroic Surge (five times the damage): “I won’t reveal exactly what trick is up my sleeve with this little treasure I got from the audience.” With the trash-chip inspiration, he gets 17 to hit.
79. 1:19:16 The Sheriff’s possible last words. The Grandmaster asks if there’s anything he wants the crowd to know: “I want y’all to know exactly half of y’all acting with heart and bravery today.” To his haters: “Ain’t gonna bother… Because you know what? One of y’all is walking out of here with a chicken today. And the rest of y’all are just chickens to begin with.”
80. 1:20:08 He defends with 18 plus 2, a dirty 20: “Shut down!” The Sheriff survives.
81. 1:20:44 Lief Tover: “You certainly have some fancy moves, Sheriff… but you happened to find yourself in another one because you weren’t looking behind you while all that was happening.” He powers up. The Arbiter: “Why is everybody wearing long sleeves today?… You’re all crazy.” The Grandmaster gives the volunteer roller the mic (“This is also streamed on Twitch”), and the volunteer says “Fuck the police.”
82. 1:22:06 It’s a natural 1. Lief Tover: “Thank you, Trash God… it appears that the dump truck that was coming for you has hit me.”
83. 1:22:41 The Sheriff does the math: “he’s got two actions, I’ve got three. Let’s use all of them.” He calls up Austin: “I remember you from last year. You did good last year.” The crowd chants “Austin!” for the power-up hit.
84. 1:24:03 Austin rolls a natural 1. The Sheriff: “We still got math on our side.” The Grandmaster has an important announcement. “Is that five?” The Arbiter: “With five natural ones, that is five fatigue.”
85. 1:24:57 The Grandmaster’s eulogy. “Your Grandmaster summons you.” “Oh, no.” “In this game, you can roll no more than four natural ones, or you roll yourself into the grave. You have just rolled your fifth natural one. Tapatio Espicante. I as your Grandmaster will help carry you to your grave. You have lived a good life and made Fluffy Cheese proud of the fight you have put on today. As we know, death is never the end, isn’t it?”
86. 1:25:58 Dying words. “These are Picante’s dying words. Austin, you were the one that rolled the die that killed me. Every time you ride Clucky Cheese, I want you to remember what you did to me today.” (Inferred: Austin is left with Clucky Cheese, or its egg.)
87. 1:26:26 The Grandmaster: “Right on, chicken boy. Remember, death is not the ending. It is merely yet another challenge that we will conquer, for we are great, are we not?… We are beyond that of the living and our stories will carry on forever.” She calls for applause for Tapatio S. Picante.

Victory

88. 1:27:07 The Grandmaster: “He has pushed beyond greatness… He has trod trash back in our face.”
89. 1:27:36 Lief Tover’s victory speech. “I told him that I was just going to outlast him, and he laughed at me. But like I said in the beginning, trash lasts forever. So there was no way he could win from the start. Thank you, trash team! We did it!”
90. 1:28:01 The Grandmaster: “light the plastic in the landfills. You will be on this stage forever and ever. May your glory and legacy live on!” She won her bet on Lief Tover. She thanks the Arbiter (“the best companion out here”). The Arbiter: “Let’s hear it for Italian Leather.”
91. 1:28:35 Sign-off: “welcome and good night to G20 Jump Bar” (D20 Deathmatch). The Arbiter: “Go home! Get out of here!” At 1:29:19 someone shouts “Hey! Victor!”