Before the Deathmatches had a season to call their own, there was a minotaur, a bugbear and a forest full of mud. In this first playtest, Escanor the Echo and his lovingly named echo-twin faced Silky Slim, a bugbear barbarian with luxuriously oiled fur and a glaive called Bernice. They fought for the amusement of the Grandmaster in the rain-soaked Forest of Death. Between the lightning, the hibiscus lube and eight very precious ducklings, the match set the tone for everything that followed.
The Story
A Bored Grandmaster
It had been 400 years since Elusia Skypiercer, Atalantos and Kaja defeated the Shadow King and she took up the mantle of Grandmaster. Far beyond all known existence, on a plane outside space and time in the Void, she sat “weary from eons of absolute power.” To lift that boredom she had tasked the Arbiter, “her servant in all things,” with curating a series of games in her honor. Champions “of all shapes and sizes” would be ripped from their own times and worlds to fight for survival in her arena.
The Arbiter, in black and white robes, walked down through the dungeons to the lowest level of the Grandmaster’s castle, where she sat drumming her fingers. He had come with a promise:
“You asked for blood, and I will provide.”
Bessie and the Bugbear
The first champion was Escanor the Echo, a minotaur fighter and, by his own account, a world-class hide-and-seek player. He was not shy about his chances: “Escanor has all the power. Escanor will crush this weak little man.”
The weak little man was Silky Slim, a bugbear in a red outfit and a skimpy top. He promptly called his opponent “Bessie the milk cow.” He bragged that his fur was oiled daily by genasi from “the Thor coast,” and he introduced his glaive, Bernice. The Grandmaster judged them both worthy: “Both shall enter, but only one shall walk away.”
The arena was the Forest of Death. “I know, not a clever name,” the Grandmaster admitted. “I didn’t come up with it. I just found it.” It was muddy and drenched in rain, all trees and hills, with a cavern, a fire pit, a column and old hunters’ traps still hidden in the undergrowth. The Arbiter later explained that they burn it down every three years to promote new growth. He opened the portal with both hands, eight golden rings in bright fluorescent colors glinting on his fingers.
The champions knelt while the Arbiter performed the Void’s traditional cultural anthem (“Catches my heart every time”). Then he turned to the floating grandstand, packed with thousands, maybe millions, of every imaginable kind of life. “You crowd! You have come! For dungeons, and dice, and deathmatches. And you, the acolytes of the double ampersand. Loyal servants to our Grandmaster.” These were the Acolytes. The Grandmaster took a high perch, having “no need to prove my own value here.” The Arbiter laid down the rules: “I want a clean fight. I want a fair fight. Until I say otherwise.”
Mud, Hips and Lightning
Silky opened dirty, kicking mud into Escanor’s face and slicing across him. Escanor answered with a thrown hand axe, three longsword strikes and a horns-first charge, which Silky shrugged off: “More like a steer instead of a bull.” The bugbear then grabbed Escanor by the horns, drove them into the mud and slashed at him while he was stuck.
Escanor triple-dog-dared him to get up and fight. Silky flung more mud, and Escanor swallowed some (“Good. I like it dirty”). Then Silky began to sashay like a snake. “It’s all hips and nips, baby.” The whole stadium was entranced, the Grandmaster and the Arbiter included. The Arbiter summoned the music goblins to change the song. Escanor tried to leap dramatically off the column and instead slid down it on his butt into the mud.
The Grandmaster then decided the bugbear’s fury was too one-note. “We like our men a little bit more well-rounded here,” she declared, demanding “emotional diversity.” Silky’s rage drained away, replaced by feelings he hadn’t felt since childhood. She promised a reward to whichever champion could cry a real tear.
The Arbiter called down bolts of lightning. Escanor took the strike and absorbed it, and his horns crackled with electricity for the rest of the fight. The verdict: “That’s metal as fuck and we approve.” The Grandmaster added, “I’m tweeting about this later.”
Silky landed a perfect strike, stabbing Escanor in the eye with Bernice before going for his Achilles. Escanor revealed his trick: an echo of himself, which appeared in a tree and swan-dived onto Silky. A menacing attack sent the bugbear fleeing in fear, and he took a sword in the side as he ran. Escanor healed by having his echo touch him and drawing it back into himself. The Grandmaster used the pause for a public service announcement about hydration and self-care. The Arbiter offered a dissent (“Except for mental health, because that’s all made up”), and she told him she wanted to get him to see a therapist.
Something Precious
The next chaos event was gentler. A flash flood washed eight ducklings into a puddle by the fire pit, and the Grandmaster made her feelings clear: “If a single feather of theirs is harmed, I will smite you from this map.” The ducklings wandered the battlefield for the rest of the match.
Silky promptly stepped in a bear trap. “That’s racial discrimination. I’m a bugbear. You got bear traps out here?” He demanded an elven lawyer. The Arbiter wondered aloud whether they had elven lawyers on retainer, since they were “probably open to a lot of lawsuits.” The Grandmaster was unbothered: “I’m insured. It’s fine… They can’t sue if they’re dead.”
Escanor pressed his advantage with a second echo, which emerged from under his robes (“from my loins”). “I call this the cream of Escanor.” Silky used his glaive to lift Escanor’s skirt for a look and discovered that the minotaur’s testicles were the size of volleyballs. He recommended Charlene at the Crooked Rose. Cream then hit him. Escanor went on to turn around and pretend to poop on the trapped bugbear while Cream attacked.
Up on the perch, the Grandmaster praised the Arbiter for filling her calendar and buying perfect birthday presents for “all my nieces and nephews.” He bowed, then flipped her off behind her back. She didn’t notice, but he was still told he’d be working overtime that weekend.
The ducklings turned the fight. Escanor warned them away from the traps and sent Cream to guard them. Silky, who could speak with animals, told the ducks that Escanor wanted to kill them, their mama, the Grandmaster and the Arbiter. Only the runt believed him. It quacked furiously at Escanor’s feet while he stepped carefully around it: “Little duck, why are you mad? It’s only game.” The Grandmaster swooped down, rescued the runt and handed Escanor a small healing potion for protecting her duck. All fighting stopped while she stood on the field.
Lube, Fire and Family
Silky produced a bottle of hibiscus-scented oil from his briefs and squirted it in Escanor’s face. It was water-soluble and the rain helped, but the Arbiter wiped the minotaur clean anyway with a spectral hand and flung the lube into the crowd. Silky greased himself up and rechristened himself “Slippery Slim.” Then the lube on Escanor caught fire, a burning the table dubbed “emotional fire.”
Escanor drank the Grandmaster’s potion. He and Cream ran hand in hand, arms trailing behind them: “We are the divine bovine.” Silky drove Escanor’s horns into the mud once more. The brothers revealed matching tattoos reading “fam” and “illy,” and the families in the stands went wild.
The Flood and the Final Blow
The last chaos event was the worst: a dam broke, and a wall of water roared down the path. Neither champion got clear. The Grandmaster blew a kiss to the runt duckling, which grew enormous and carried them both out of the flood, “out of the kindness since neither of you attacked the ducks.”
Back on their feet, Escanor swapped places with his twin (“Cream, teleporto!”) and landed three longsword strikes. Silky fell with his intestines peeking out.
His last requests were magnificent. The women of the Crooked Rose (Vanessa, Chantel, Ashley and Erica) were to be told that he was sorry, that he didn’t care, that he’d miss her, that he’d see her on the other side, and that he hoped she burned in hell. Someone was to pick up his laundry and bury it with him “because it’s an expensive shirt.” And if he had children, they were not to be told his name. Escanor swore to do it all. Silky’s parting tribute: “You have large balls, and they are luxurious.” The crowd roared, a few drunk spectators fell out of the stands to their deaths, and Silky gave himself a “21-squirt salute” with the lube.
The Grandmaster decided his fate. “Our champion has fought well. And he is damn sexy… I will grant you your life. But I will not allow you to leave this plane. You… will stay here until you win your victory.” The Arbiter dragged him off by the collar. “Please tell me there are ladies here,” Silky pleaded.
Escanor was crowned Champion of the Death Forest. The Grandmaster spread her wings, and the rain fell around her without touching her. Escanor offered the crowd his wisdom: “Family conquers all. And also pick up your own dry cleaning so you don’t have your enemies do it.” Snacks flew, balloons rose, fireworks went off, and someone released a bag of snakes into the stands (“security will handle that”).
Notable Moments
- The Grandmaster stripped Silky of his rage for lacking “emotional diversity.”
- A lightning strike left Escanor’s horns crackling for the rest of the fight.
- Escanor’s second echo, “the cream of Escanor,” emerged from under his robes, and Silky’s peek revealed volleyball-sized testicles.
- The Arbiter flipped off the Grandmaster behind her back while she was thanking him.
- The runt duckling, saved by the Grandmaster, grew giant and carried both champions out of a flood.
- Silky lost but was spared, bound to the Void until he wins a victory.
Memorable Quotes
- The Arbiter: “You crowd! You have come! For dungeons, and dice, and deathmatches. And you, the acolytes of the double ampersand.”
- Silky Slim: “It’s all hips and nips, baby.”
- The Grandmaster: “If a single feather of theirs is harmed, I will smite you from this map.”
- Silky Slim: “That’s racial discrimination. I’m a bugbear. You got bear traps out here?”
- The Grandmaster: “They can’t sue if they’re dead.”
- Escanor the Echo: “I call this the cream of Escanor.”
- The Arbiter: “I’m a celestial being in an intergalactic plane of existence. I’m not a mathematician.”
- Escanor the Echo: “May this crowd learn the lesson. Family conquers all.”
Who and What Appears
Silky Slim (EndlessChad). Bugbear barbarian (Totem of the Bear), glaive named Bernice, red outfit, skimpy top, oiled fur. Calls everyone “daddy.” From somewhere with “genasi from the Thor coast”; shouts “this is for the northern Carolinian people.” Knows the women of the Crooked Rose (Charlene, Vanessa, Chantel, Ashley, Erica). Carries hibiscus-scented lube in his briefs. Can speak with animals. Lost, but was spared: kept in the Void “until you win your victory.”
Escanor the Echo (TheShortNord). Minotaur fighter (Echo Knight); world-class hide-and-seek player; longsword and three hand axes. Horns charged with lightning after the chaos event. Echo named Cream (“the cream of Escanor”), whom he treats as a twin brother; matching “fam”/“illy” tattoos; “the power of family.” Protected the Grandmaster’s ducklings. Winner, Champion of the Death Forest.
The Grandmaster (Caustic Phoenix). “Weary from eons of absolute power.” Watches from a high perch; fighting stops when she’s on the field. Loves the ducklings; made the runt giant. Says she has nieces and nephews (1:19:39). Has wings; rain avoids her.
The Arbiter (Mudcat). Black and white robes; eight golden rings of fluorescent colors; mage hand and prestidigitation; opens portals; triggers chaos events; performs the anthem. Fills the Grandmaster’s calendar and buys family birthday presents. Flips her off behind her back.
The runt duckling. Rescued by the Grandmaster, later grown giant to save both champions.
Music goblins. Change the arena’s music on the Arbiter’s command.
Places
- The Forest of Death: rainy, muddy arena of trees, hills, a cavern, a fire pit, a column, an aquifer that floods, hunters’ bear traps; burned every three years.
- The Grandmaster’s throne room, described here as the lowest level of a “subterranean castle”: the Dread Fortress (Mudcat).
- The Crooked Rose: where Silky’s women are (Silky’s home world, not the Void).
Groups
- Acolytes of the double ampersand: the crowd, “loyal servants to our Grandmaster.”
- Elven lawyers (possibly on retainer).
Show conventions first seen
- The anthem; the floating grandstand; the Arbiter’s call (“For dungeons, and dice, and deathmatches”); chaos events triggered by a crowd dice meter (rules mechanic); the fallen champion’s fate decided by the Grandmaster.
Full Round-by-Round
Every beat of the episode, with timestamps (click to expand)
- 0:01:10 — Opening narration (Caustic Phoenix): “Far beyond the forgotten realms and all of known existence, beyond a dark void that stretches for eternity lies a plane outside of space and time. Here we find the Grandmaster, weary from eons of absolute power.” She has tasked the Arbiter, “her servant in all things,” to curate a series of games “to commemorate her greatness and provide momentary respite from all the dull droning of boredom.” Champions “of all shapes and sizes are ripped from time and their plane of existence to fight for survival in her arena.”
- 0:02:14 — The throne room. The Arbiter, in black and white robes, walks down through the dungeons to “the lowest level of this subterranean castle” where the Grandmaster sits drumming her fingers, bored. (Caustic Phoenix wears a crown.) “You asked for blood, and I will provide.”
- 0:03:39 — The champions. Escanor the Echo, a minotaur fighter and “world-class hide-and-seek player”: “Escanor has all the power. Escanor will crush this weak little man.” Silky Slim, a bugbear barbarian, calls Escanor “Bessie the milk cow,” brags about his “luxuriously oiled fur” (oiled daily by genasi from “the Thor coast”) and introduces his glaive, Bernice.
- 0:05:53 — The arena: the Forest of Death. The Grandmaster: “I know, not a clever name… I didn’t come up with it. I just found it.” Rain-soaked, muddy, trees and hills, leftover hunters’ traps. Later the Arbiter says they burn it down every three years to promote new growth, and it’s mostly clay, some granite and limestone (1:36:43).
- 0:06:45 — The Arbiter’s rings. He opens the portal with both hands, wearing eight golden rings of varying bright fluorescent colors.
- 0:07:14 — The anthem. The Grandmaster has the champions kneel; the Arbiter performs “our traditional cultural anthem” (cut/muted in the recording). “Catches my heart every time.”
- 0:08:41 — The crowd. A floating grandstand of thousands, maybe millions, “every imaginable type of life.” The Arbiter: “You crowd! You have come! For dungeons, and dice, and deathmatches. And you, the acolytes of the double ampersand. Loyal servants to our Grandmaster.”
- 0:10:17 — The rules. The Grandmaster watches from a high perch: “I have no need to prove my own value here.” The Arbiter: “I want a clean fight. I want a fair fight. Until I say otherwise.”
- Round 1–2. Silky kicks dirt in Escanor’s face and slices across him. Escanor throws a hand axe, hits three times with his longsword, then hammering horns charges; Silky shrugs it off (“More like a steer instead of a bull”). Silky grabs Escanor by the horns and drives them into the mud, then overhead-slices him while he’s stuck.
- Round 3 — “Hips and nips.” Escanor triple-dog-dares Silky to get up. Silky flings mud into Escanor’s face (Escanor swallows some: “Good. I like it dirty”), then sashays “like a snake” (“It’s all hips and nips, baby”). The whole stadium, Grandmaster and Arbiter included, is entranced; the Arbiter summons the music goblins to change the song. Escanor tries to leap off a column but slides down it on his butt into the mud (“This terrain is absolute crap”).
- 0:38:05 — The Grandmaster strips Silky’s rage by demanding “emotional diversity”: “We like our men a little bit more well-rounded here.” Silky feels emotions he hasn’t felt since childhood and calms down. She offers a d10 inspiration to whoever can cry a real tear.
- 0:42:15 — Chaos event: lightning. The Arbiter re-enters and calls down bolts of lightning. Escanor absorbs it; his horns spark with lightning for the rest of the fight (“That’s metal as fuck and we approve”). The Grandmaster: “I’m tweeting about this later.”
- 0:44:10 — Silky’s crit stabs Escanor in the eye with the glaive, then goes for his Achilles. Escanor manifests his echo in a tree; it swan-dives down onto Silky. Escanor’s menacing attack frightens Silky; he runs and takes a sword in the side.
- 1:01:06 — Escanor heals by having his echo “touch” him and reabsorbing it. The Grandmaster’s public service announcement: hydrate, self-care. The Arbiter: “Except for mental health, because that’s all made up.” Grandmaster: “I want to get you to see a therapist, Arbiter.”
- 1:03:14 — Chaos event: the ducklings. “Something precious.” A flash flood washes eight ducklings into a puddle by the fire pit. The Grandmaster: “If a single feather of theirs is harmed, I will smite you from this map.” They wander each round.
- 1:08:21 — The bear trap. Silky steps in a hunter’s bear trap: “That’s racial discrimination. I’m a bugbear… I want to speak to an elfin lawyer.” The Arbiter asks if they have elven lawyers on retainer (“we’re probably open to a lot of lawsuits”). Grandmaster: “I’m insured. It’s fine… They can’t sue if they’re dead.”
- 1:11:50 — Cream of Escanor. Escanor’s second echo comes out from under his robes (“from my loins”): “I call this the cream of Escanor.” Silky lifts his skirt with the glaive to look; a d4 reveals Escanor’s testicles are volleyball-sized. Silky recommends “Charlene” at “the Crooked Rose.” Cream hits Silky.
- 1:19:39 — Grandmaster and Arbiter banter. She praises him for filling her calendar and buying perfect birthday presents for “all my nieces and nephews.” He bows, then flips her off behind her back; she fails to notice. “You’re working overtime this weekend.”
- 1:24:44 — Escanor turns and pretends to poop on the trapped Silky while Cream attacks.
- 1:28:19 — Escanor protects the ducks: “Little ducks, do not get caught in these traps.” He sends Cream to keep them safe.
- 1:29:53 — Silky speaks with animals and tells the ducks Escanor wants to kill them, their mama, the Grandmaster and the Arbiter. Only the runt listens; it quacks furiously at Escanor’s feet. Escanor carefully avoids stepping on it (“Little duck, why are you mad? It’s only game”). The Grandmaster swoops down, rescues the runt, and gives Escanor a small healing potion for saving her duck. Fighting pauses while she is on the field.
- 1:37:43 — The hibiscus lube. Silky pulls a bottle of oil from his briefs and squirts it in Escanor’s face (it’s water-soluble and the rain washes it off). The Arbiter wipes Escanor clean with mage hand and flings the lube onto the crowd. Silky greases himself up: “Slippery Slim.” Then the lube catches fire on Escanor (“emotional fire”).
- 1:47:18 — Escanor drinks the duck potion. He and Cream Naruto-run holding hands: “We are the divine bovine.” Silky drives Escanor’s horns into the mud again. The brothers have matching tattoos, “fam” and “illy” (family). The families in the stands go wild.
- 1:59:10 — Chaos event: the dam breaks. A wall of water rushes down the path. Both fail to dodge; the Grandmaster blows a kiss to the runt duckling, it grows enormous, and carries both champions out of the flood “out of the kindness since neither of you attacked the ducks.”
- 2:06:30 — The end. Escanor swaps places with Cream (“Cream, teleporto!”) and lands three longsword strikes. Silky falls, intestines peeking out.
- 2:09:21 — Silky’s last requests: tell the women of the Crooked Rose (Vanessa, Chantel, Ashley, Erica) that he’s sorry, he doesn’t care, he’ll miss her, he’ll see her on the other side, he hopes she burns in hell; pick up his laundry and bury it with him “because it’s an expensive shirt”; and if he has children, don’t tell them his name. Escanor promises. Silky: “You have large balls, and they are luxurious.” The crowd cheers; some drunk spectators fall out of the stands to their deaths. Silky gives himself a “21-squirt salute” with the lube.
- 2:12:28 — The Grandmaster’s verdict on Silky: “Our champion has fought well. And he is damn sexy… I will grant you your life. But I will not allow you to leave this plane. You… will stay here until you win your victory.” The Arbiter drags him off by the collar. Silky: “Please tell me there are ladies here.”
- 2:13:53 — Escanor crowned “Champion of the Death Forest.” The Grandmaster spreads her wings; the rain avoids her. Escanor: “Family conquers all. And also pick up your own dry cleaning so you don’t have your enemies do it.” “To Escanor the Echo!” Snacks fly, balloons, someone releases a bag of snakes (“security will handle that”), fireworks.