First appearance: Playtest 1 (Pre-Launch) — Silky Slim v Escanor the Echo · watch it on YouTube
Silky Slim is a bugbear barbarian with immaculately oiled fur, a glaive named Bernice and a bottle of hibiscus lube tucked into his briefs. He fought in the very first Deathmatch, lost, and charmed the Grandmaster so thoroughly that she spared his life. When The Arbiter turned against her in the Battle for the Crown, he called Slim back as “our original champion.” Slim went down swinging, dancing and squirting to the very end. His ghost is lavender-colored.
Story
The First Deathmatch
Silky Slim’s story began in Playtest 1 (Pre-Launch) — Silky Slim v Escanor the Echo. He was ripped out of time and dropped into the rain-soaked, trap-strewn Forest of Death in The Void to face Escanor the Echo, a minotaur fighter. Slim opened by calling his opponent “Bessie the milk cow.” He then bragged that his fur was oiled daily by genasi from “the Thor coast” and introduced his glaive, Bernice. Once the fighting started he kicked dirt in Escanor’s face. When Escanor charged him horns-first, Slim shrugged it off: “More like a steer instead of a bull.” Then he grabbed Escanor by the horns and drove them into the mud.
His signature move came early. Slim flung mud in Escanor’s face and sashayed “like a snake,” announcing, “It’s all hips and nips, baby.” The whole stadium was entranced, the Grandmaster and the Arbiter included, and the Arbiter had to summon the music goblins to change the song. The Grandmaster then took away his rage on the grounds of “emotional diversity” (“We like our men a little bit more well-rounded here”), and Slim found himself feeling things he hadn’t felt since childhood. Later he stepped into a hunter’s bear trap and called it “racial discrimination,” demanding an elfin lawyer. Escanor’s second echo, Cream, came out from under his robes (“from my loins”). Slim lifted Escanor’s skirt with his glaive to look and found that his testicles were the size of volleyballs. While Slim was stuck in the trap, Escanor turned around and pretended to poop on him. When a flash flood washed eight ducklings into the arena, Slim used his gift for talking to animals to tell them Escanor wanted to kill them, their mama, the Grandmaster and the Arbiter. Only the runt believed him. It quacked furiously at Escanor’s feet until the Grandmaster swooped down to rescue it.
Slim’s last tricks were the slipperiest. He squirted hibiscus lube in Escanor’s face, greased himself up as “Slippery Slim,” and watched the lube catch fire on his opponent. When a dam burst, both champions were saved only because the Grandmaster blew a kiss to the runt duckling, which grew enormous and carried them out of the flood. In the end Escanor swapped places with his echo and cut Slim down, and Slim fell with his intestines peeking out. He lay in the mud and dictated his last wishes. He sent mixed apologies to the women of the Crooked Rose, asked for his laundry to be buried with him “because it’s an expensive shirt,” and paid his opponent one final tribute: “You have large balls, and they are luxurious.” Then he gave himself a 21-squirt salute with the lube. The Grandmaster was moved. “Our champion has fought well. And he is damn sexy… I will grant you your life.” She would not let him leave, though. He was to stay in the Void “until you win your victory.” As the Arbiter dragged him off by the collar, Slim had only one question: “Please tell me there are ladies here.”
Battle for the Crown
Slim returned in S2 Ep19, Battle for the Crown Round 2 - Team Grandmaster (Cosmonius & Locket) v Team Arbiter (Silky Slim & …. By then the Arbiter had declared he no longer worked for the Grandmaster and was fighting her for her throne. One point down in the standings, the Arbiter introduced “the late, the great, Silky Slim,” who was lounging on the largest pillow in sight in The Dread Fortress wearing a beret, a vest and briefs. “Oh, hey, Daddy. I heard you needed some hips and nips.” He immediately squirted hibiscus oil on the dry coat of Cosmonius, the centaur monk fighting for the Grandmaster alongside Locket.
In The land of the corrupted, a dead, cold rock garden that smelled of rot, Slim poured a circle of oil around himself and flew into a rage. At first he challenged his own teammate, Baron Voltágè, as “Robo Daddy,” until the Arbiter reminded him they were on the same side. Locket put two arrows in him straight away (“Silky Slim ain’t no pincushion, lady. He’s luxurious”). A chaos event then turned everyone into animals for a while, and Slim spent it as a giant badger, burrowing up under Cosmonius to bite and claw him. Back in his own shape, he drew his glaive so clumsily that he stabbed himself in the right butt cheek. Next the Baron fired a harpoon of green fluid into Slim’s buttocks and made him enormous, butt included: “Oh, hello, my name is Silky Slim now. I’m a big boy.” Cosmonius tried twice to wrestle him and ended up face-first in his perm curls with a mouthful of chest. Slim slipped free both times: “Too slick!” Cosmonius then talked him into a rebrand, and Slim happily agreed: “Yeah, I like the alliteration, Slippery Slim.”
The oil turned out to be his undoing. Locket asked whether lube is flammable, the Grandmaster looked it up on the spot and confirmed it, and Locket lit her arrows and landed a perfect shot. Slim went up like lighter fluid. “Curse you, Cat Lady. I will get you.” With his fur burned dry, he pole-vaulted onto her boulder, chopped her on the head and sprayed oil in her face. Cosmonius then stomped him with his hooves, and Locket’s arrows brought him to death’s door. Slim pulled a backup bottle of lavender lube from his trunk and clawed his way back to his feet. Then he fled. Holding the lavender lube to his nose, he shoveled handfuls of corpse-rich grave dirt into his mouth to heal himself and hid in the scorched brush, where his fresh burn scars blended in with the trees. Later he went back for more dirt: “This ain’t a game, this is my life. I’m gonna eat this dirt.”
Locket tracked him by the smell of lavender over hibiscus. Slim gave it everything: one last “hips and nips” dance, body-rolling and squirting lube. The Arbiter sniffed, “Well, it’s no Baptiste,” a nod to Baptiste, the elf who had Locket’s heart, and she told Slim plainly, “I’m taken.” After her first arrow landed, Slim sighed, “Oh, I thought we had something.” Locket apologized, told him it was nothing personal and blamed the Arbiter, and her second arrow killed him. He died in slow-motion body rolls as a shot of lavender oil rose and trickled down “John Woo style, like doves.” The Arbiter had stared at Locket without emotion, but he winced at this: “God damn it, you slippery bastard.”
Slim’s lavender-hued ghost rose at once and made his position clear: “Hey, Cat Lady, you suck… She said it wasn’t personal. It’s very personal. You killed me.” He vowed to haunt her. In the meantime he floated onto Cosmonius’s back during the centaur’s fight with The Kraken, whispering about split ends and bad dye jobs. Team Grandmaster won the match. Slim’s body rose on a pedestal to the level of The Acolytes, while the victors were lifted to the throne.
Personality and Abilities
Silky Slim is a large bugbear who treats his fur as a sacred trust. He has it oiled daily, and he insists his hair is permed, not knotted. In his first fight he wore a red outfit with a skimpy top. By the Battle for the Crown he had moved on to a beret, a vest and briefs. He calls nearly everyone “daddy,” claims a fond acquaintance with the women of the Crooked Rose (Charlene, Vanessa, Chantel, Ashley and Erica), and once shouted, “this is for the northern Carolinian people.” He keeps hibiscus lube in his briefs, with a spare lavender bottle “in my trunk,” and uses it for everything: grooming, distraction, escape and ceremonial salutes. When the Grandmaster suggested Neosporin might help his wounds more than lube, he only asked, “Are you a doctor?”
In a fight he is a raging barbarian with the spirit of the bear, and by his second Deathmatch he had picked up some fighter training too. He swings Bernice, his glaive, with more confidence than accuracy (“I don’t get how I keep missing the broad side of your ass”). He has a talent for grappling horns into mud, and he can talk to animals. His true weapon is distraction: the “hips and nips” dance has stopped an entire stadium in its tracks. He is also stubborn about staying alive, and will eat grave dirt if that’s what it takes.
Relationships
- The Arbiter: Slim calls him “Daddy” and fought as his “original champion”; the Arbiter, unmoved by much, winced at his death.
- Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer: She spared his life after his first loss for being “damn sexy,” then later mocked his dried-out hair (“Probably has dandruff too”).
- Escanor the Echo: His first opponent, who killed him in the Forest of Death and earned Slim’s sincere admiration for his testicles.
- Baron Voltágè: His teammate in the Battle for the Crown; Slim dubbed him “Robo Daddy,” and the Baron enlarged and shielded him.
- Cosmonius: His rival, who renamed him “Slippery Slim” and whom his ghost later heckled about split ends.
- Locket: She set him on fire and killed him; his ghost has sworn to haunt her.
Memorable Quotes
- “It’s all hips and nips, baby.” (Playtest 1)
- “That’s racial discrimination. I’m a bugbear… I want to speak to an elfin lawyer.” (Playtest 1)
- “You have large balls, and they are luxurious.” (Playtest 1)
- “Please tell me there are ladies here.” (Playtest 1)
- “This ain’t a game, this is my life. I’m gonna eat this dirt.” (Battle for the Crown Round 2)
- “Hey, Cat Lady, you suck… She said it wasn’t personal. It’s very personal. You killed me.” (Battle for the Crown Round 2)