S2E20 — Battle for the Crown Round 3 — Flynry & Prof. Stabbz v Thornabub & Mcswiggins

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The final round of the Battle for the Crown sent Flynry and Prof. Stabbz, fighting for the Grandmaster, into an ancient jungle temple against the Arbiter’s picks, Thornabub and Mcswiggins. Whoever won the night would wear the crown. What followed involved an exploding duck, a pillow fight, a poem fed to a box, a tongue frozen to a block of beer and a sky full of meteors. It ended with the Arbiter being led around the arena on a leash by a pug in a tuxedo-like outfit.

The Story

Redecorating the Fortress

The Arbiter was so sure of victory that he started moving in before the match began. In the throne room of the Dread Fortress he directed movers as they carried in a new TV, a couch and a water bed. “Just put it in front of the throne,” he told them. “And yeah, just make sure it’s centered on the wall.” The Grandmaster watched from the doorway and asked whether he knew water beds were terrible for your back. He reminded her he didn’t work for her. She reminded him he’d signed a contract. “Listen, maybe after I win, I’ll turn you into a fish and put you in my waterbed,” he said. She replied that he had a lot of talk for someone with a bad back.

The couch got special attention. The Grandmaster described it as a patchwork, tie-dye, “hideous trash dumpster thing” with uneven springs, upholstered in what looked like a great-great-great-great-great-grandmother’s quilt that should have been burned. The Arbiter was unmoved. “It’s velour. You don’t throw out velour.” It also matched his Italian leather shoes.

To show there would be “no hard feelings when I win,” the Arbiter clapped open a portal and introduced every champion himself. Flynry pumped his fist, then spotted the Arbiter and dropped into a stern stare. Prof. Stabbz was less enthusiastic: “Oh, no. I do not want to be here again.” The Grandmaster told him this was his path to tenure. He pointed out that he’d thought last time was his way to tenure, and “It was just me being dumped in lava. I hate it here.” Mcswiggins arrived with a plunger stuck to his face, announced “Oh god, I’m finally in hell. I feel like I’ve been falling for 30 hours,” and sat on the couch. Last came Thornabub, martini in hand, who had become a close friend of the Arbiter’s after several drinks and talks about their family struggles. He looked around the throne room. “Ah, Arbiter, Grandmaster, you’ve redecorated. I don’t like it.” The Arbiter told him a guest room was being set up for him down the hall.

Into the Jungle

The portal opened onto humid air and jungle noise: a grand old temple rising in tiers on the far side, thick vines, enormous trees and fifteen-foot statues standing around it. The Grandmaster flew up to the Acolytes in the stands and explained the stakes. One point went to the team with anyone left standing, and one went to the team the Acolytes voted had put on the best fight. She took her seat beside Doug the Pug.

Stabbz offered to recommend a good couples therapist for the hosts. “Our therapy is by spilling your blood in the arena,” said the Arbiter. Thornabub added that the arena had worked wonders for him and his daughter, Glassy. “We bring families together here,” the Arbiter agreed. “You know, unless they die.”

Team Arbiter started together on a clifftop, while Flynry and Stabbz were dropped in opposite corners. Mcswiggins greeted his teammate as “Satan,” and Thornabub offered a hand. Asked whether he had hands or hooves, he answered, “I have hands and wings and hooves and a tail. Would you like to see all of my anatomy, Grandmaster?” She declined, since that was the after-show. The Acolytes had already triggered three chaos events, one for each of the first three rounds.

The Ducks of Many Things

The first chaos event came quacking down the middle alley: a mama duck and seven ducklings. The Grandmaster, a lover of animals, warned that anyone who squished one would face her wrath. Stabbz used the lull to order a raspberry White Claw, and the Grandmaster dispatched a cute little goblin with a serving tray to find one, even if it meant crossing planes.

Thornabub opened the fight by shoving his own teammate off the cliff. Mcswiggins fell fifteen feet and landed on sore knees. Thornabub then flew over Stabbz and demanded, “You there! Surrender, give up, or perish.” Stabbz wanted to know whether surrendering meant dying, and the Grandmaster told him to think of it as a pass-fail exam. Thornabub lost patience and threw a bolt of radiant light, which fizzled so badly that it knocked him backwards. He explained that he wasn’t used to opponents this small. Stabbz was about his daughter’s size, so he decided, “I will imagine it’s my daughter I’m beating.”

Flynry, blocked behind a statue, studied the carvings on the temple. He had seen a temple like this before at the Eastern Outpost with Orin, and he knew that touching the runes granted protection. Watching the ducks waddle past, he heard ancestral cries from an angry Scottish wizard who seemed to have thrown his life away protecting ducks, and he resolved to stay well clear of them. He wrapped himself in shadow and vanished into a tall vanilla bush with white flowers. “Even though I’m quite large, man, I think I’m actually quite light on my feet,” he mused, enjoying a very spa-like moment.

Stabbz cast what he called “fuck this at second level” and turned invisible too, which made this the first time an entire team had vanished in the arena. Then he ran straight toward the ducks. “I intend to put all the ducks on my body,” he explained: if hurting a duck brought down the Grandmaster’s wrath, ducks made excellent armor. Mcswiggins, still “feeling the mushrooms from last time,” found the battlefield suddenly empty of people and full of ducks. He shouted “Marco!”, got no answer and worked himself into a rage with his battle chant: “Hear me, Jameson, Johnny, and Jack. I forget the rest of it. We’re on the attack. Get angry.” At the end of the round the Arbiter rolled a 3. Doug hopped up with his chewed squishy die and rolled a 14. “Stupid fucking dog,” said the Arbiter. “The dog is better.”

Pillow Fight

The second chaos event turned every weapon into its wielder’s favorite sleeping pillow. Thornabub’s was red silk, “covered in the blood of my enemies and a few other fluids.” Flynry fought with his bare hands, so his hands became two small vanilla-scented pillows, which he considered “an improvement overall.” Mcswiggins didn’t own a pillow, since he usually drank himself into a stupor and passed out wherever, so he had swiped an itchy corduroy cushion off the Arbiter’s new couch: “not my pillow, not my problem.” Stabbz’s psychic blades left him fixated on his own pillow, embroidered with Stabbz in sequins, and its thread count. Thornabub blessed the couch cushion into “a holy weapon of the nine hells.”

Flynry spotted a shimmer in the air, crept over and tapped it on the nose with a tiny pillow. “Excuse me, is it, um, are you, is it, oh, I found you. Oh, that’s lovely.” Stabbz linked their minds telepathically for seven hours (“That’s enough time for one lecture”) and slipped behind the enemy. There he grabbed a duck. It was the mama, and she turned invisible along with him. Stabbz knew she would burst into fairy fire if struck, so he asked his partner, mind to mind, “Can I do something stupid?” Then he dropped her right behind Thornabub and Mcswiggins.

The mama duck went off like a fireball. Mcswiggins took the full blast. Thornabub, who shrugs off fire, felt it wash over him and remained sure he’d heard a duck. Stabbz dodged clear, leaving unscorched footprints in the blackened ground. When Flynry asked after the ducklings, the Grandmaster admitted she had no clue what happened to mom, but “We have a duck sanctuary. It’ll be okay.” Mcswiggins swung his cushion at the quacking air (“Alright, Ghost Duck! You’re done haunting me!”) and missed twice. “I’m a people person,” Stabbz apologized. Flynry pointed out that he had just dropped a nuclear duck on two people.

A duck had died, though, and someone had to pay. The Arbiter picked up his metal folding chair, flared his wings, dove at Stabbz and smashed him with it. “I’m sorry, the duck hurt me!” The chair now has a dent, and as the Grandmaster noted, it will always wobble.

Crows and a Perfect Stab

The third chaos event filled a tall tree with very large, very perceptive crows. They picked out the invisible Stabbz at once and drew blood. (“I felt it in my plums.”) Thornabub charged and swung right over Stabbz’s head, his voice cracking as he yelled at him to stand still. Then he tried diplomacy: what if Stabbz played dead and let them kill his friend? Stabbz declined politely. He had read the syllabus, and he was a professor.

Flynry circled behind Mcswiggins and pummeled him, dropping out of his invisibility. Stabbz was about to stab the battered Mcswiggins, but the Grandmaster stopped him. “I don’t want you to take the easy way out of this, Professor Stabbz. Make them both suffer. Let them see.” So he turned on Thornabub instead. He landed a perfect strike and stacked every trick he had into one devastating stab. “What the duck?” gasped Thornabub, and he fell. “I’m a professor of doing this,” said Stabbz.

Bloodied and broken, Mcswiggins asked whether there was supposed to be “some sort of talking treasure chest or some bullshit.” The Arbiter snapped his fingers, and the Box of Chaos slammed down beside him. “Greg, are you in there?” “It’s Gerald,” said the box. “You look like shit.” Mcswiggins offered “actual Satan’s corpse,” suggesting Gerald could have it stuffed for the mantelpiece. Gerald admitted he had a couple of corpses already but could use another. Mcswiggins heaved Thornabub inside (“All’s well that ends in hell”), and out floated a weapon of fate, an axe holding charges of luck. With the axe and the Grandmaster’s baffling advice to take extra swings, Mcswiggins finally landed a real blow on Stabbz. Flynry was confused, since the Grandmaster had pushed his partner off an easy kill and was now coaching the enemy. Mcswiggins was overwhelmed too: “Fucking Christ, I quit. I quit… I hate it here!”

The Insurance Policy

With his team collapsing, the Arbiter pounded his chair. “No, this is not acceptable!” He snapped his fingers, and the arena quaked. Lava burst up everywhere and hurled Flynry and Stabbz against the temple stairs. The box sat on the field, closed and rumbling.

Inside it, Thornabub drifted in yellow and pink flames, and both his and Mcswiggins’s eyes sprang open. With a friendly hand on Mcswiggins’s shoulder before the fight, he had cast a ward against death on his teammate and then on himself. “Ah, yes, just as I planned. Listen here, box! I’m going to tear you apart from the inside out unless you give me something good.” Gerald protested that he was already giving them their lives. Thornabub overpowered him anyway and threatened to animate Gerald’s corpse collection and steal it. “Calm your tits, bud. I don’t want any trouble.” Gerald handed over a golden scroll holding his most powerful spell and begged, “Listen, just promise never to come back.” Both champions popped out of the box alive. The Arbiter called it an insurance policy. Stabbz pointed at the box: “This is bullshit! I want to go home!”

Beer, Poetry and a Stuck Tongue

Stabbz begged the hosts for a full night’s rest and got a sliver of healing “for trying your ass.” He hurled a psychic blade fifty feet into Mcswiggins and healed Flynry. Mcswiggins had nothing ranged, so he beamed a rock at Stabbz’s head (“Why is it just me?! On this, the day of my fucking death”) and missed. The weapon of fate then shattered, its luck used up. “What fresh bullshit is this?” asked Stabbz. Mcswiggins grabbed a shard and stabbed him with it. “The irony, I am now the one that is stabbed.” Then Mcswiggins ran off to hide behind a rock.

Flynry asked whether the box was open for further business. It was, despite the “back in 30 minutes” sign Mcswiggins had hung on it (the B was backwards). Flynry shot an arrow into it with one of his poems wrapped around the shaft. Flynry had never had a home, and he had written poems for every chapter of his travels with Locket and Toddleheim, chasing the Arbiter on the Grandmaster’s behalf. Gerald read it slowly. “Fuck is this, a Nicholas Sparks book?” The Grandmaster snapped, “That is poetry and you will honor that as greatness.” A column of fire delivered a Tome of Clear Thought to Flynry’s feet, and he walked away sharper and quicker on his feet.

He back-handsprung over a river of lava to reach Mcswiggins, who sealed himself in a tomb of ice made of beer. Flynry pounded on it until, as Thornabub put it, he became “that kid who licked the ice pole in Christmas Story.” The Grandmaster ruled that his tongue was now frozen to the beer-ice, right on top of Mcswiggins’s head. “Do you know that your part is very straight? You combed your hair… That’s good.”

Meteor Swarm

Thornabub flew back, unrolled the golden scroll (“You better not fail me”) and called down Meteor Swarm on everyone, his own teammate included. Panicking, Flynry dug through his pants, found paper, a wooden spoon and finally a small golden heroic coin. He flicked it up to the Grandmaster, who caught it perfectly, and its ring was the most beautiful sound anyone had ever heard. He shifted into his beast form, and the heat of the change thawed his tongue. It wasn’t enough. The meteors took out all three. “I’m bug splatter on the windshield, man.” Thornabub then filled the area with poison cloud just to be sure. As he explained, he was not worried about Stabbz getting up, but he was very worried about Flynry.

Flynry told his death as it happened. As the sky opened, he returned to his human form and stared ahead at nothing. He pictured his pen and paper and his time with Locket and Toddleheim, who appeared to him almost like spirits. Then Orin, the great bear, reached down from the heavens and held his shoulders. “It’s okay… you’re gonna come home now. Your journey is done. That home you’ve been searching for this whole time… That home you never had is here, and it’s time to go there.”

Flynry: “Home. I think I like that.”

Mcswiggins watched from his melting tomb. “Well, this wouldn’t be the first time I’m outclassed. It feels like it might be the last one. Unless I wake up in another hell.” He took one last sip, lay back to watch the meteors fall and gave his last chance at survival to his teammate. “That’s so thoughtful of you, McWackles,” said Thornabub. “I’ll never forget you.” Stabbz nearly pulled through but slipped away, still linked to Flynry’s mind. “Flynry… you mind if I come with you?”

The Crown

The Arbiter leapt up clapping: “Thornabub, you son of a bitch!” Thornabub crowed that he could have healed everyone and chose not to. The Grandmaster told him he could walk out and go talk to his daughter. He carved a slushie off Mcswiggins’s beer tomb and asked whether she wanted a rematch yet.

The fight left the Grandmaster ahead two wins to one. The Arbiter, “who will not cheat,” read out the Acolytes’ votes. Round 1, Glub Glub and Ralzamon against Veronica and Toddleheim, went to his side and tied it 2–2. Round 2, Silky Slim and Baron Voltágè against Cosmonius and Locket, went to the Grandmaster. Round 3 went to Flynry and Stabbz. “Are you not entertained? We went out in a blaze of glory! I’m dead.” The two appeared as smiling ghosts in fresh robes beside the Grandmaster’s chair. (“Well, my robe is dirty.”)

The Grandmaster won 4–2 and thanked her rival. She had missed this, she said, and she had thought he was going soft. It had taken him longer to rebel than she expected. The Arbiter conceded.

The Arbiter: “A wager’s a wager, so I will abide by our terms, but I’m keeping the fucking waterbed.”

He could keep the water bed and the hideous couch, the Grandmaster said, but he was moving to the dungeon. He would stay, “but not in the same capacity.” Then Doug trotted out in a tuxedo-like outfit with a small rose at his collar, carrying a collar and leash in his mouth. “This wasn’t part of the bet,” the Arbiter complained. He put it on anyway, it sealed shut by magic, and Doug paraded him around the arena.

Dried Blood

After the stream, the hosts confirmed the Grandmaster had taken the Battle for the Crown 4–2 to close the season. They had also held a tie-breaker roll-off just in case, which the Grandmaster won 4 to 3. Thornabub’s double death ward had been planned: his player asked ahead of time whether he could prepare the spells before the fight, the first time anyone had asked to do that. The hosts admitted that the Horn of Valhalla in an earlier round had been a mistake (“a good way to kill five berserkers at one time”). They also reassured anyone worried that this was probably not the last of Flynry.

Notable Moments

• Prof. Stabbz stole an invisible mama duck and dropped her behind the enemy as a fairy-fire bomb.
• The Arbiter avenged the duck by diving out of the stands and smashing Stabbz with a folding chair, which now wobbles forever.
• Thornabub came back to life inside the Box of Chaos and shook it down for a Meteor Swarm.
• Gerald paid for one of Flynry’s poems with a Tome of Clear Thought, despite comparing it to Nicholas Sparks.
• Flynry’s tongue froze to the top of Mcswiggins’s head while Mcswiggins sat sealed in a tomb of beer-ice.
• Flynry died in Orin’s ghostly embrace, then reappeared with Stabbz as smiling ghosts beside the Grandmaster.

Memorable Quotes

• The Arbiter: “It’s velour. You don’t throw out velour.”
• Prof. Stabbz: “I intend to put all the ducks on my body.”
• Thornabub: “I will imagine it’s my daughter I’m beating.”
• Mcswiggins: “You got any use for, like, actual Satan’s corpse? I feel like you could get it stuffed if you have a mantelpiece in there.”
• Gerald (the Box of Chaos): “Calm your tits, bud. I don’t want any trouble.”
• Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer: “That is poetry and you will honor that as greatness.”
• Flynry: “Do you know that your part is very straight? You combed your hair… That’s good.”
• Prof. Stabbz: “Are you not entertained? We went out in a blaze of glory! I’m dead.”

Who and What Appears

Characters

Flynry (BDTeej), Team Grandmaster.

• Background:
  • A large monk/pugilist with no weapons.
  • A traveler who never had a home.
  • Writes poetry chronicling his journey with Locket and Toddleheim, on the Grandmaster’s behalf and “pursuing the Arbiter.”
  • Has been to the Eastern Outpost temple “with Orin.”
  • Hears ancestral cries of an angry Scottish wizard who protected ducks.
• Gear and powers:
  • Cloak of Shadows, Silence, Inflict Wounds and Bestial Shift (a beast form).
  • Immune to poison.
  • A short bow.
  • Carries a wooden spoon and a small golden heroic coin, which he flicked to the Grandmaster as his hero point.
• In this episode:
  • Gained +2 Int and +2 Dex from a Tome of Clear Thought.
  • His tongue got stuck to Mcswiggins’s beer tomb.
  • Died in the Meteor Swarm, embraced by Orin’s spirit: “Home.”
  • Appeared afterwards as a robed ghost beside the Grandmaster’s chair.

Prof. Stabbz (Thenoirenigma), Team Grandmaster.

• Background: small (about the size of Thornabub’s daughter) and seeking tenure. Last time he was “dumped in lava.” Hates it here; “good at fighting but he doesn’t like it”; “a people person”; always scared.
• Powers: psychic blades, invisibility, Psionic Whispers (a telepathic link), Fury of the Small, Blade Flourish, Silvery Barbs, Healing Word, Evasion, Uncanny Dodge and Sharpshooter.
• His pillow is embroidered with Stabbz in sequins.
• In this episode:
  • Turned the mama duck into a faerie-fire fireball bomb.
  • Was hit by the Arbiter’s chair as punishment for the duck.
  • Stabbed Thornabub for 99.
  • Died following Flynry: “you mind if I come with you?”

Thornabub (GloriousGe0rge), Team Arbiter. Called Satan by Mcswiggins (“actual Satan”, “Beelzebub Lucifer”).

• Has hands, wings, hooves and a tail. A “deal maker,” a trickster; flies.
• Has a daughter. He says the Deathmatch worked out things between them, and he asks whether she wants a rematch.
• Became the Arbiter’s close friend over drinks and “family struggles”; the Arbiter was setting up a guest room for him.
• Powers: Guiding Bolt, Holy Weapon (“of the nine hells”), Charger, Death Ward, Action Surge, Second Wind, Cloudkill. Resistant to fire.
• His pillow: red silk, covered in his enemies’ blood “and a few other fluids.”
• In this episode:
  • Secretly Death Warded himself and Mcswiggins before the fight.
  • Bullied Gerald for a 9th-level scroll (Meteor Swarm).
  • Was the last one standing; made a beer slushie.

Mcswiggins (Bonus_Stage_Rob), Team Arbiter.

• Background:
  • Dwarf-height (“a tall five”) and a barbarian with an axe.
  • Has a lifelong struggle with alcohol.
  • Arrived with a plunger on his face, convinced he’s in hell (“falling for 30 hours”). Still “feeling the mushrooms from last time.”
• Powers:
  • Rage chant: “Hear me, Jameson, Johnny, and Jack… We’re on the attack. Get angry.”
  • Eldritch Smite.
  • Tomb of Levistus, which encases him in beer-ice.
• His “pillow” was the Arbiter’s couch cushion.
• In this episode:
  • Took a crit fireball from the duck bomb.
  • Called Gerald “Greg / Jeffrey / Jim.”
  • Fed Thornabub to the box and got a weapon of fate (later shattered).
  • Swan-dived into the box and was saved by Death Ward.
  • Gave his death save to Thornabub, who called him “McWackles.”

The Arbiter (Mudcat).

• Moved a water bed, a velour patchwork couch and a TV into the Dread Fortress throne room. Wears Italian leather shoes.
• Smashed Stabbz with his metal folding chair for the duck’s death; the chair now wobbles.
• Erupted the arena with lava in anger.
• Lost the crown. He keeps the water bed and couch, is moved to the dungeon, and is collared and leashed and paraded by Doug the Pug.

Grandmaster Elusia Skypiercer (Caustic Phoenix).

• A fan of animals.
• Says she missed the Arbiter’s rebellion (“real consequences”) and thought he’d gone soft.
• Keeps her crown. She catches Flynry’s golden coin.

Gerald (the Box of Chaos) (Mudcat).

• Insists on his name.
• Already has “a couple of corpses” and was happy to take Satan’s.
• Gave Mcswiggins a weapon of fate, Thornabub a 9th-level scroll and Flynry a Tome of Clear Thought.
• Was threatened from inside by Thornabub; “Listen, just promise never to come back.”
• Wears a “back in 30 minutes” sign (Mcswiggins’s).

Doug the Pug.

• Sits beside the Grandmaster and rolls a chewed squishy d20, beating the Arbiter.
• At the end he wears a tuxedo-like outfit with a rose and leads the Arbiter on a leash.

Orin. A giant bear, Flynry’s past companion (the Eastern Outpost). His spirit reaches down from the heavens to take Flynry “home.”

The goblin server. A cute goblin with a serving tray, sent across planes to fetch Stabbz a raspberry White Claw.

The ducks of many things. A mama duck and seven ducklings.

• The mama duck emits faerie fire when hit and became a fireball.
• The ducklings never learned what happened. There is “a duck sanctuary.”

The crows. Very large, intelligent, perceptive crows nesting in a jungle tree. They attack anyone within 15 ft that they can sense.

Mentioned in the vote recap:

• Round 1: Glub Glub, Razamon, Veronica, Toddleheim.
• Round 2: Silky Slim, Baron Voltage, Cosmonius, Locket.

Places

• Dread Fortress throne room, mid-redecoration (the water bed placed in front of the throne).
• The dungeon of the Dread Fortress, the Arbiter’s new quarters.
• The ancient jungle temple arena: a stepped temple carved with protective runes, 15-ft statues, a cliffside, vanilla bushes and a crow tree. Lava rivers came after the eruption.
• The Eastern Outpost, which has a similar temple (Flynry’s past).
• The duck sanctuary (mentioned).

Items

• Weapon of fate: +3 to attack and damage, three d4 bless charges; it shattered.
• 9th-level spell scroll (Meteor Swarm).
• Tome of Clear Thought.
• Flynry’s poem (fired into the box).
• Flynry’s golden heroic coin.
• The Arbiter’s water bed, velour couch and TV.
• The Arbiter’s dented metal folding chair.
• Doug’s chewed squishy d20.
• The magical collar and leash that seal around the Arbiter.
• The chaotic-event pillows.

Lore statements

• Battle for the Crown result: the Grandmaster retains the crown, 4–2 (battle wins plus Acolyte votes).
• The Arbiter is demoted and moved to the dungeon, to “stay with us, but not in the same capacity,” more in Season 3.
• Death Ward can carry a champion through being thrown into the Box of Chaos.
• The Box of Chaos holds corpses.

Full Round-by-Round

Every beat of the episode, with timestamps (click to expand)

Opening — the Arbiter redecorates the Dread Fortress

1. 0:00:10 Mudcat: “This is for all the marbles tonight… New Grandmaster will be crowned. I’m sure of it.” In the Dread Fortress, the Arbiter directs movers as they carry in a couch, a new TV and a water bed. He tells them, “Just put it in front of the throne… make sure it’s centered on the wall.”
2. 0:01:07 The Grandmaster watches from the doorway: “after this match, it’s all going to be undone… don’t you know waterbeds are terrible for your back?” Arbiter: “my back is my concern… I don’t work for you.” She: “You signed a contract.” He: “maybe after I win, I’ll turn you into a fish and put you in my waterbed.” She: “you’ve got a lot of talk for someone with a bad back.”
3. 0:01:50 The Arbiter plans to change the whole color scheme. The Grandmaster describes his couch for him: a patchwork, tie-dye, “hideous trash dumpster thing”. Its springs are uneven, and it’s covered in something like “your old, old great, great, great, great, great grandmother’s quilt that should have been thrown away, maybe even burned.” Arbiter: “It’s velour. You don’t throw out velour.” He adds that it “matches my Italian leather shoes.” She: “let’s get on with this so that way we can throw your trash out.”
4. 0:03:13 — Introductions. The Arbiter claps and the echoes rip open a portal. “I’ll even introduce your champions this time, just to show you that there’s no hard feelings when I win.”
   • Flynry pumps his fist, then sees the Arbiter, lowers his hands and stares sternly. The Arbiter: “I’m not really a fan.”
   • Prof. Stabbz: “Oh, no. I do not want to be here again.” The Grandmaster tells him this is how he’ll get tenure. “I thought last time was my way to get tenure and it wasn’t. It was just me being dumped in lava. I hate it here.”
   • Mcswiggins (“the winners of tonight”) arrives with a plunger on his face: “Oh god, I’m finally in hell. I feel like I’ve been falling for 30 hours.” He sees the couch (“It truly is hell”) and sits on it. “Oh, I can’t even get comfortable” (0:05:01, speaker uncertain).
   • Thornabub, “someone who’s become a close friend of mine after we shared several drinks, talked about our family struggles,” walks in holding a martini: “Ah, Arbiter, Grandmaster, you’ve redecorated. I don’t like it.” The Arbiter says it’s a transition period and that he’s setting up a guest room for Thornabub down the hall.
5. 0:05:55 — The arena. Through the portal come jungle sounds and humid air. The Grandmaster brings the Acolytes to “a very grand old temple, something very ancient”. The air is heavy and damp, with thick vines and big luscious trees. On the far side a very high temple rises in 10-foot tiers, and 15-ft statues stand around it for cover.
6. 0:07:09 — The stakes. The Grandmaster flies up to the Acolyte stands. Two points are up for grabs: one for victory, if anyone on the team is still standing, and one by Acolyte popular vote for the team that put on the best fight. She takes her seat next to Doug the Pug.
7. 0:08:17 Stabbz: “I know a really good couple therapists that might be able to help you two.” Arbiter: “Our therapy is by spilling your blood in the arena.” Thornabub: “We worked out things between my daughter and me. See? It’s wonders for us.” Arbiter: “We bring families together here. You know, unless they die.”
8. 0:09:40 — Placement. Team Arbiter starts together on top of a cliffside. Team Grandmaster is split 130 ft apart in opposite corners (“Flank them, another good strategy”). Stabbz: “I don’t know what I did to deserve any of this.”
9. 0:10:10 Mcswiggins greets Thornabub as Satan (“Satan, it’s a pleasure to meet you”), and Thornabub offers his hand. Grandmaster: “Do you have hands or hoofs?” Thornabub: “I have hands and wings and hooves and a tail. Would you like to see all of my anatomy, Grandmaster?” She declines: “That’s the after show.” Mcswiggins: “Yeah, this is hell. I’m in hell.”
10. 0:10:53 The Acolytes have already triggered three chaotic events. One will fire at the start of each of the first three rounds.

Round 1 — the ducks of many things

11. 0:12:09 Initiative order: Thornabub (nat 20), Flynry, Prof. Stabbz, Mcswiggins.
12. 0:12:36 The Grandmaster takes pity on Mcswiggins and lets him roll the first chaotic event. She offers water; the Arbiter offers “a beer if you win”; she counters with “whiskey if you lose.” Mcswiggins: “you’re trivializing my lifelong struggle with alcohol.” A line follows (0:13:23, speaker mixed): “Satan, you’ve never steered me wrong before. I place my hand on your shoulder.”
13. 0:13:31 — Chaotic event (11): the ducks. Down the middle alleyway comes quacking: a large mama duck leading seven ducklings. “If you choose to squish one of my ducks, the Grandmaster being a fan of animals, you will also take on some of my own wrath.” The Arbiter places them on the map: “the ducks of many things.” Stabbz orders a raspberry White Claw. The Grandmaster summons “a cute little goblin with a serving tray” to find one, though it may have to travel planes.
14. 0:15:39 Thornabub asks the crowd, “Acolytes, are you ready?” Chat cheers. The Arbiter flies up into the stands.
15. 0:15:58 — Thornabub shoves Mcswiggins off the cliff. He asks whether Mcswiggins can get down by himself or shoot from up there (“I have an axe, a rather large axe”), then shoves him off. Rob chooses to fail the save “because it’s funny,” and Mcswiggins drops 15 ft to the jungle floor; his knees hurt.
16. 0:17:05 Thornabub flies up over Prof. Stabbz: “You there! Surrender, give up, or perish.” Stabbz: “Wait, that’s an option?… If I surrender, do I die?” Grandmaster: “Think of this as a pass-fail exam.” Thornabub: “Oh, forget it.” His Guiding Bolt rolls a nat 1, and the backlash pushes him back 10 ft. Stabbz: “You didn’t even give me time to think about surrendering.”
17. 0:18:35 Arbiter: “This is not what I hired you for.” Thornabub: “I’m not used to attacking opponents this small.” Someone notes that Stabbz is about the size of Thornabub’s daughter. Thornabub squints down at him, Stabbz waves, and Thornabub says: “I will imagine it’s my daughter I’m beating.” Arbiter: “visualization helps.”
18. 0:19:18 — Flynry and the runes. Flynry can’t see the fight because a statue blocks his view. He studies the hieroglyphic carvings on the side of the pyramidal temple. Mudcat: “You’ve seen a temple like this before in the Eastern Outpost, if you recall, back with Orin.” He knows that touching the runes grants protection, and he gains 5 temporary HP.
19. 0:20:33 — Avoiding the ducks. Flynry watches the ducks waddle past. “Through like an ancestral etheric plane,” he hears the cries of “a very angry Scottish wizard” who seemed to throw his life away protecting ducks, and he resolves to avoid them entirely. Teej calls it “a deep cut… That’s the lore.” He casts Cloak of Shadows and goes invisible, then moves 50 ft into very tall bushes with two 19s on stealth: “you might as well not even be touching the ground.”
20. 0:23:09 Flynry narrates his own adventure in his head: “even though I’m quite large, man, I think I’m actually quite light on my feet.” “These plants, they smell nice too. I wonder if my teammate’s doing okay.” The Grandmaster: it’s a vanilla bush with beautiful white flowers. He has “a very spa-like moment.”
21. 0:24:01 — Stabbz goes invisible too. “I would like to cast fuck this at second level again, please, aka invisibility.” Mudcat: “This is the first time we’ve had an entire team be invisible.” Grandmaster: “a game of hide and go seek… My brave, brave winners.” Stabbz runs, dashing as a bonus action (Cunning Action), toward the ducks: “I intend to put all the ducks on my body”, as duck armor, since the Grandmaster punishes anyone who hurts them.
22. 0:26:17 Thornabub: “Run all you want, little man. It won’t save you.” Stabbz answers aloud (“I hope that you are wrong”), but the voice echoes (“could even be coming from inside your head”). His stealth roll is 29.
23. 0:27:35 — Mcswiggins. “I am definitely still feeling the mushrooms from last time, because there were people here, and now there’s not people here, and there’s ducks.” He calls “Marco!” Stabbz resists with insight. Then Mcswiggins rages with his chant: “Hear me, Jameson, Johnny, and Jack. I forget the rest of it. We’re on the attack. Get angry.” He runs forward and readies an attack against any invisible small man who stabs him.
24. 0:30:24 At the end of the round, the Arbiter rolls a 3. Doug the Pug hops up with his chewed squishy d20 and rolls 14. Arbiter: “stupid fucking dog.” (Mudcat’s later “That’s a 20” is unclear.) “The dog is better.”

Round 2 — pillows, the mama duck bomb

25. 0:31:23 — Chaotic event (5): pillows. Every weapon turns into the champion’s own go-to sleeping pillow (+8 to hit, 1d4 “fluffy damage”; rage gives no resistance to fluffy). Each describes theirs:
    • Thornabub: “made of red silk and covered in the blood of my enemies and a few other fluids.” Mcswiggins: “I don’t like the way you said fluids.”
    • Flynry, a pugilist with no weapon: his hands become two small pillows. They smell like the vanilla flower he was holding. “I think that because they smell nice and because they feel nice, this may actually be an improvement overall.” He folds them contentedly in the bush.
    • Mcswiggins doesn’t sleep with a pillow (“drinks himself into a stupor and then just passes out wherever”). Instead he swiped a cushion from the Arbiter’s new couch, which the Grandmaster describes as itchy corduroy with snagging tassels. “This will be a bit awkward to clean the blood out of, but not my pillow, not my problem.”
    • Prof. Stabbz uses psychic blades, so he can’t stop thinking about his pillow: its embroidery shows “Stabbz in and out of the labs in really nice sequins,” and the thread count. “I want to go home. Why am I here? I hate this.”
26. 0:35:31 Thornabub flies down to Mcswiggins and casts Holy Weapon on the couch cushion: “Your pillow is now a holy weapon of the nine hells.” Mudcat and Thornabub then call it “technically unholy.” A line follows (speaker mixed, likely Mcswiggins): “Thank you, Satan. In my darkest moments, you’ve always been there for me.” Thornabub pats his back and readies a pillow attack.
27. 0:36:34 — Flynry finds Stabbz. He sees a shimmer “like… Halo 2 and somebody picked up active camo.” He sneaks over and taps it on the nose with a tiny pillow: “Excuse me, is it, um, are you, is it, oh, I found you. Oh, that’s lovely.” Stabbz: “You haven’t attacked me, so I guess we’re friends then?”
28. 0:37:56 Flynry casts Silence on the enemy duo. Mudcat reminds him that casting a spell drops Cloak of Shadows, and the table rewinds it. Flynry: “while both of my hands are made of cotton balls, I feel like maybe there’s a slight advantage to remaining unseen.” Thornabub: “I think I heard something.” Flynry: “I thought it was just the voices.”
29. 0:40:31 Stabbz uses Psionic Whispers to link minds with Flynry for seven hours (“That’s enough time for one lecture”). He slips past the enemies to flank them and rolls a nat 20 on stealth.
30. 0:41:55 — The mama duck. The Grandmaster lets him snatch one duck. Because the duck is now equipment, it turns invisible too. His d8 roll is a 1: the mama duck. “She is very confused… oddly okay with it.” If she’s hit, she emits faerie fire: “a fairy fire bomb essentially attached to you.”
31. 0:44:01 Stabbz asks his teammate and the Grandmaster telepathically, “Can I do something stupid?” Flynry: “Did you just ask me that with your mind?” He drops the mama duck right behind the enemies. “This fairy fire will burn even brighter… it will transform into a fireball.”
32. 0:45:23 Everyone in range saves; Thornabub and Mcswiggins roll at disadvantage. Mcswiggins rolls a nat 1 and takes critical damage: 77 fire. Thornabub is resistant to fire: “The fire just washes over me. No, I’m pretty sure I heard a duck.” Stabbz has Evasion and stays invisible. The explosion behind them leaves unscorched footprints leading out. Mcswiggins: “Well, thanks for having me back on.”
33. 0:49:29 Flynry asks about the ducklings. Grandmaster: “No clue what happened to mom.” “We have a duck sanctuary. It’ll be okay.”
34. 0:50:44 Mcswiggins swings the unholy pillow: “Alright, Ghost Duck! You’re done haunting me!” Stabbz quacks. He misses twice. Stabbz: “I’m so sorry… I’m a people person. It’s one of the things that I’m working on.” Flynry: “Homie, you just dropped like a nuclear duck on two people. You ain’t a people person at all.” Mcswiggins: “I guess I’ll just die.”
35. 0:52:14 The pillows poof back into weapons. Stabbz: “Why was I thinking about thread counts so much?”
36. 0:52:28 — The duck punishment. The Grandmaster had forgotten that the duck died, so someone must be punished. She leaves it to the Arbiter (“punishment for killing my dog”, a slip for duck). The Arbiter stretches, picks up his metal folding chair, flares his wings and dives straight at Stabbz, smashing him with it. Stabbz: “Please don’t do this.” Arbiter: “I’m sorry, the duck hurt me!” He flies back up: “Oh, shit. I needed that.” The chair now has a dent. Grandmaster: “Your chair will now always wobble.”

Round 3 — crows, the 99-point stab, the Box of Chaos

37. 0:54:12 — Chaotic event (19 ×2 = 38): the crows. Loud cackling comes from very large crows nesting high in a tree. They attack anyone they can see within 15 ft of the nest at the start of each round. The Grandmaster rolls their perception and decides they know where invisible Stabbz is (“Crows are very intuitive”). They miss Thornabub and Mcswiggins (“he just bats it away with an axe”) but dive-bomb Stabbz and draw blood. Stabbz: “I felt it in my plums.”
38. 0:57:33 Thornabub, now knowing roughly where Stabbz is, flies 30 ft away and charges back (Charger), but swings right over his head. “Stand still! My voice cracked. Stand still!” Their intimidate and insight rolls tie, so they flinch at each other. Stabbz tries persuasion (“I don’t want to die”), and Thornabub hesitates. “Maybe we can make a deal, you and I. Me and my large friend here don’t kill you. And instead, you play dead and we kill your friend.” He calls himself “a deal maker, so not intimidating at all.”
39. 1:00:42 Flynry mind-texts Stabbz: “I don’t really want to do this all by myself.” Stabbz: “they don’t understand that the game isn’t over until like both of us are dead… I read the syllabus. I’m a professor.” He refuses: “thank you very much for giving it to me. And I unfortunately have to stab.” Thornabub: “Fine, Mcswiggins, bash his brains in.”
40. 1:01:36 — Flynry strikes from stealth. He circles around the crows’ radius, comes up behind Mcswiggins and lands unarmed strikes and a Flurry of Blows. His invisibility drops. Mcswiggins survives: “I’m finally a winner.”
41. 1:04:11 — Stabbz’s nat 20 on Thornabub. Stabbz is about to stab Mcswiggins (“He seems like a fine enough fellow”), but the Grandmaster stops him: “I don’t want you to take the easy way out… Make them both suffer. Let them see.” “Fine. Then I’ll attack Satan.” He rolls a nat 20 (“my team is really good at rolling nat 20s. This has been the theme of all the tournament”). He piles on Fury of the Small, a defensive Blade Flourish (+6 AC) and sneak attack: 99 damage. Thornabub: “What the duck?” He falls backwards, bloody, and goes down. Mcswiggins: “Satan?” Stabbz: “I’m a professor of doing this.” His bonus psychic-blade stab hits Mcswiggins for 9: “you see his goblin teeth appear.”
42. 1:09:54 The Grandmaster’s jaw drops at “the massacre that her team has left.”
43. 1:10:15 — Mcswiggins asks for the box. Bloodied and broken: “Is there supposed to be some sort of talking treasure chest or some bullshit?… Is it in the crows? Is it the duck? I, just kill me.” The Arbiter snaps his fingers and the Box of Chaos slams down beside him.
44. 1:11:16 — Gerald. Mcswiggins knocks on the box: “Greg, are you in there?” Box: “It’s Gerald.… You look like shit.” Mcswiggins: “Jeffrey, I really am in a fucking pickle right now… And I’m not talking about a gherkin.” Gerald: “What are you gonna give me?” Mcswiggins: “You got any use for, like, actual Satan’s corpse? I feel like you could get it stuffed if you have a mantelpiece in there.” Gerald: “I have a couple of corpses already, but I could use another.” Mcswiggins: “Gonna complete my set. Like, literally Satan… the handsome guy on Fox… it’s on Netflix. Oh, you gotta have Netflix in there, right, man? He’s so fucking hot.”
45. 1:13:02 Flynry, watching: “this is so drastically different from the adventures we’ve been on that led me here.”
46. 1:13:27 Mcswiggins elbows Stabbz aside (“excuse me, excuse me”). Stabbz: “Oh, no, you’re good. I’m real sorry about this.” Mcswiggins: “All’s well that ends in hell and whatever the saying goes.” He throws Thornabub’s body into the box. The Grandmaster notes nobody has used a hero point yet. Mcswiggins: “I got killed by a fucking duck.” Asked whether he has hit anyone yet: “Only myself in the pride.”
47. 1:16:05 — The weapon of fate. The box slams, rumbles and flips open, and a weapon floats out to Mcswiggins, replacing his axe: “a weapon of fate.” It gives +3 to attack and damage and has three charges, each adding a d4 to any roll (a bless) as a bonus action. If all the charges are spent, it may shatter. Mcswiggins: “This is really neat… Sorry about this.”
48. 1:17:35 He attacks Stabbz. The first roll would miss because of the defensive flourish (+6 AC), but he tags on the d4: “You actually hit someone!” (Grandmaster). Eldritch Smite follows; Stabbz uses Uncanny Dodge. Grandmaster: “Mcswiggins may be alive, but his spirit is dead.” Arbiter: “He’s just crushed beneath the weight of his dreams.”
49. 1:20:37 His second swing misses by one. He spends his hero point (“Your imagination is the limit”), and the Grandmaster advises using it as an Action Surge for two more attacks: “That is the only time I’m helping you. You’re not even on my team.” Flynry/Teej protests: “Grandmaster literally forced you to attack somebody else. Now he’s giving this dude all the options he’s got.” Flynry: “I’m a bit confused. I thought we were supposed to be fighting.” Mcswiggins: “Fucking Christ, I quit. I quit… I hate it here!” He finally lands a 26 with a smite for 22, and Stabbz can’t Uncanny Dodge it.
50. 1:24:41 — Break. Grandmaster: “Everyone, let’s just calm down for a hot second.” Flynry (05): “Allow me to offer my congratulations, Grandmaster.” The break was cut.

After the break — the eruption and the Death Wards

52. 1:25:09 “Not looking good for Team Arbiter.” The Arbiter pounds his fists on his chair: “No, this is not acceptable!” He snaps his fingers, the arena rumbles and quakes, and lava shoots up all around. Stabbz and Flynry fail their Strength saves and are thrown back against the temple’s stone stairs. The Box of Chaos still stands on the field, lid closed, rumbling.
53. 1:27:24 — Thornabub’s trick. Inside the box, Thornabub drifts in yellow and pink flames. Flashback: before the fight, when he put his hand on Mcswiggins, he cast Death Ward on him, then on himself, using both of his 4th-level slots. Both their eyes spring open. “Ah, yes, just as I planned. Listen here, box! I’m going to tear you apart from the inside out unless you give me something good.” Mcswiggins: “Wait, no, Jim is cool.” Gerald: “It’s Gerald. That’s not how this works… I’m giving you your life.” Thornabub: “I’m inside you now and I’m still alive.”
54. 1:28:33 Thornabub wins the contest with the box (18 vs 7). Gerald: “Calm your tits, bud. I don’t want any trouble.” Thornabub: “The most powerful spell you have, give it to me now.… I will animate all your dead corpses and steal them from you.” Gerald: “No, no, no… I just got those.” He hands over a 9th-level spell scroll. “Listen, just promise never to come back.” The flames wrap around them and bolster their vitality, and both pop out of the box with a little health. Mudcat: Thornabub had used his hero point to amplify the Death Wards, and the Arbiter calls them “an insurance policy.”
55. 1:29:55 Teej: “This feels like when Vin Diesel showed up at the end of Tokyo Drift.” Mudcat: “Teej, you’re never not going to get bamboozled by the Arbiter.” Stabbz points at the box: “this is bullshit! I want to go home!” Everyone rerolls initiative: Prof. Stabbz, Mcswiggins, Flynry, Thornabub. Stabbz: “I suppose we just have to kill them again.”

New round 1 — rocks, the poem, the beer tomb

56. 1:31:08 Stabbz spends his hero point asking for the benefits of a long rest. Teej argues for it: “these guys literally resurrected.” Mudcat: “Technically, they never died because of Death Ward.” Caustic Phoenix makes it a d20 gamble, but Stabbz rolls low and gets only 1d4 health “for trying your ass”; he takes Mcswiggins’s roll of 3. Mcswiggins: “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” Flynry: “That didn’t feel very heroic to me.” Stabbz: “I’m scared. I’m always scared.”
57. 1:34:21 Stabbz throws his psychic blade 50 ft with Sharpshooter and hits Mcswiggins for 17 (“The man with no ranged”). Then he casts Healing Word on Flynry: “He seems like a good enough guy and I hate that we have to do this.”
58. 1:37:16 — Mcswiggins and the rocks. He has nothing ranged and has spent his hero point. He sees a ton of rocks. Grandmaster: “I love rocks! Oh, boy, it’s 3 AM!” He runs, picks up a rock and beams it at Stabbz’s head: “Why is it just me?!… On this, the day of my fucking death.” (2d8.) “Only fools rush in.” Stabbz uses Silvery Barbs; Mcswiggins spends a third d4 from the weapon of fate. It still misses.
59. 1:41:04 The weapon of fate shatters (d20 under 9), leaving shards everywhere. Stabbz: “What fresh bullshit is this?” The Grandmaster: “I’m describing what happened! That’s also my job!” Mcswiggins grabs a shard and stabs Stabbz with it (26, 13 piercing with rage): “Oh my God, that might be the most I’ve done all game.” Stabbz: “The irony, I am now the one that is stabbed.” Arbiter: “This will be great for your new thesis.” Mcswiggins hides behind a rock: “Brave Sir Robin. He bravely ran away.”
60. 1:43:21 — The poem. Flynry asks whether the box is “interested in further transactions.” Box: “open for business.” Mcswiggins hangs a “back in 30 minutes” sign on the box, “The B is backwards somehow.” Flynry shoots an arrow into the box (27). Rolled around its shaft is one of his poems. Teej: “Flynry is a traveler by nature and he’s never really had a home anywhere. He has written poetry for all of the chapters along his journey with his friends, both Locket and Toddleheim… journaling the chronicles… on behalf of his journey and his friends and the Grandmaster.” He links it to “his journeys pursuing the Arbiter after the Grandmaster.”
61. 1:45:17 Gerald slowly reads it: “Fuck is this, a Nicholas Sparks book?” Grandmaster: “That is poetry and you will honor that as greatness.” A column of fire shoots up, bends and slams at Flynry’s feet, leaving a Tome of Clear Thought: “a crammed amount of knowledge just floats through your brain.” +2 Intelligence, plus +2 Dexterity on a follow-up roll. Teej: “Flynry’s a bit less of a dumbass than he was before.”
62. 1:48:07 Flynry makes “a very elegantly light-footed hop skip and a jump,” a back handspring over the river of lava, to “a very sad looking friend.” “Hello. I’m quite sorry about this.” He casts Inflict Wounds on Mcswiggins.
63. 1:49:41 — The beer tomb. Mcswiggins casts Tomb of Levistus and encases himself in ice made of beer (50 HP of ice). Grandmaster: “Then we can all have shaved ice at the end of this.” Flynry pounds the ice with Flurry of Blows; he’s incapacitated, so the hits are crits. Thornabub: “That kid who licked the ice pole in Christmas Story.” Caustic Phoenix rules that Flynry’s tongue is now stuck to the beer-ice, because “he just looks so refreshing as he was melting… you thought he would hydrate.” Flynry: “I didn’t really expect this.” Stabbz: “I can fix that for you, but… how attached to your tongue are you?”
64. 1:53:14 Flynry chooses where his tongue stuck: on the crown of Mcswiggins’s head (“I’m like a tall five”, dwarf height), so it looks like he’s trying to consume the top of his skull. Mcswiggins: “Give him a little kiss.” Flynry, tongue stuck: “Do you know that your part is very straight? You combed your hair… That’s good.” Mudcat: “He is incapacitated in the block of ice just having to listen to this.”

Meteor Swarm

65. 1:54:33 Thornabub flies back, pulls out the golden shimmering scroll: “You better not fail me.” He targets everyone: Meteor Swarm, with a mile range. “I hope that beer crystal holds. Actually, I don’t care.” Grandmaster: “Friendly fire is on.”
66. 1:55:54 — The coin. Panic shows in Flynry’s eyes. He digs in his pants and finds pieces of paper and a wooden spoon. Mcswiggins: “After you kiss me, you’re going to dig around in your pants?” Then he pulls out a very small, golden, heroic-looking coin and flicks it off his thumb up to the Grandmaster, who catches it perfectly. The ring is “the most beautiful sound anyone’s ever heard.” He uses Bestial Shift, and the heat of the shift thaws his tongue (hero point). He can’t escape the radius, but he no longer saves at disadvantage. “Okay, this is not good.” Stabbz has advantage on the save from Silvery Barbs.
67. 1:58:13 Everyone fails the DC 19 save. Mcswiggins: “with a 12, I get out of it, obviously,” but he’s incapacitated in his crystal. Stabbz: “This is the same nuke that I used.” Mudcat: “No, this is Meteor Swarm.” The fire and bludgeoning take out all three. Flynry: “I’m bug splatter on the windshield, man.”
68. 2:00:08 Thornabub action-surges and casts Cloudkill over the area “just to make sure nothing stays alive.” Mudcat: “What the hell is cloud kill?… It’s written in crayon.” Thornabub’s reasoning: “I’m not too worried about Professor Stabby getting up. I am very worried about Flynry getting up. And I don’t really care about my teammates… I write poetry and smell flowers. They hurt us really bad. And Flynry looks like a professional.” Flynry is immune to poison (“That actually helps!”). Thornabub uses Second Wind “cause I’m honestly that scared of these guys getting back up again.” Mcswiggins is at two failed death saves.
69. 2:02:06 — One set of death saves per team. Stabbz has heals, so he takes Team Grandmaster’s saves. Flynry dies outright and gets to describe his death.

The deaths

70. 2:03:14 — Flynry’s death. “Let’s take the clock back six seconds… It’s not really much fun to describe a pile of ashes.” Mcswiggins: “tell that to Orin.” Flynry: “Oh, no! Okay, speaking of, he’s going to play a role in this too.”
    • As Thornabub raises his hands and the skies open in a shower of flaming meteors, Flynry reverts to his human form. He looks at no one, only ahead at nothing.
    • In his outstretched hands he imagines his pen and paper and his time with Toddleheim and Locket, who appear almost spiritually in his vision.
    • “Righteous anime style,” Orin reaches down from the heavens behind him and holds Flynry’s shoulders. “Even though he’s this giant bear,” Orin says: “it’s okay… you’re gonna come home now. Your journey is done. That home you’ve been searching for this whole time… That home you never had is here, and it’s time to go there.”
    • As the meteors hit the earth, Flynry closes his eyes, smiles and says: “Home. I think I like that.” Caustic Phoenix: “That was good.”
71. 2:06:42 — Mcswiggins’s farewell. He looks over at the melting ice as the meteors fall, and at the distant figure of his teammate: “Well, this wouldn’t be the first time I’m outclassed. It feels like it might be the last one. Unless I wake up in another hell. Who knows? If you do, I’ll probably be there… If you go down, it’s there for you. And if not, just remember my name.” He takes one last sip, lies down and watches the meteors fall, and gives his death save to his teammate. Thornabub: “That’s so thoughtful of you, McWackles. I’ll never forget you.”
72. 2:08:15 Thornabub: “Is anybody still alive out there?… We’re all dead, right?” Stabbz rolls two successes, then two failures, then fails.
73. 2:08:28 — Stabbz’s death. He starts to rouse himself, but the mind connection to Flynry is still there. “He only knew this guy for a little bit but they were in the heat of battle together, and he felt that moment of relief from his partner. Stabbz is good at fighting but he doesn’t like it.” As the connection slips: “Flynry… you mind if I come with you?” He falls dead.
74. 2:09:34 The Arbiter stands up clapping: “Thornabub, you son of a bitch!” Thornabub: “That’s what I’m talking about! I could have healed all those guys and I didn’t.” Arbiter: “He’s a trickster.… Grandmaster, this one’s going to go in my direction.”

The vote and the crown

75. 2:10:17 The Grandmaster to Thornabub: “You did fine. You did fine. You get to leave and walk out of this place. Talk to your daughter or something.” Thornabub carves beer off Mcswiggins’s tomb and makes a slushie out of it: “Speaking of my daughter, does she want a rematch yet?” “We’ll see.”
76. 2:10:56 — The tally. “The Grandmaster has two wins and the Arbiter has one.” Chat votes for two minutes; the Arbiter, “who will not cheat,” reads out the earlier votes:
    • Round 1, Glub Glub and Razamon v Veronica and Toddleheim: 59.3% for Glub Glub and Razamon (the Arbiter). “We are 2-2.”
    • Round 2, Silky Slim and Baron Voltage v Cosmonius and Locket: 75% for Cosmonius and Locket (the Grandmaster). “Three to two.”
    • Round 3: the vote goes to Flynry and Prof. Stabbz, for the Grandmaster. Stabbz: “Are you not entertained? We went out in a blaze of glory! I’m dead.”
77. 2:14:27 — The ghosts. Teej: “like at the end of Return of the Jedi,” Flynry and Prof. Stabbz appear as ghosts beside the Grandmaster’s chair in robes they weren’t wearing before, hands folded, smiling, “all is right in the universe.” Stabbz: “Well, my robe is dirty.”
78. 2:15:11 — The Grandmaster keeps the crown. “I do honestly have to thank you because I’ve missed this. This had some real consequences… I thought you were getting soft, absolutely weak. It had taken you a lot longer to rebel than I thought.… And it looks like I’ll be keeping this on my head.”
79. 2:16:01 Arbiter: “A wager’s a wager, so I will abide by our terms, but I’m keeping the fucking waterbed.” Grandmaster: “You can keep your waterbed and that hideous couch, and I’m going to move you down to the dungeon. You will stay with us, but not in the same capacity. But we’ll talk more about that when season three rolls around.”
80. 2:16:30 — Doug’s leash. Doug the Pug comes out in a tuxedo-like outfit with a small rose at his collar (“He was prepared for this moment”), carrying a collar and a leash in his mouth for the Arbiter. Thornabub: “Looks good on you, buddy.” Arbiter: “I’m supposed to wear this thing?… This wasn’t part of the bet.” He puts it on. It latches and seals magically, and Doug parades him around the arena.
81. 2:17:19 The Grandmaster rises high: “You each week come and join us for blood, for chaos… it’s not the actual blood that gets yours going. It is seeing the fight itself, the spirit that awakens your own. Thank you. Welcome and good night to D20 Deathmatch!”

Full Dried Blood notes (click to expand)

• The last episode of Season 2. The Grandmaster wins 4 to 2 overall.
• After the stream they did a roll-off in case of a tie: Mudcat rolled 3, Caustic Phoenix rolled 4. The Grandmaster would have won anyway.
• Balancing 2v2 PvP is hard (“D&D is not really made for PvP”); they make calls “counter to the rules.”
• Round 2 recap: Mudcat thought it would be closer. Caustic Phoenix’s favorite moment of the season was “Pesci” describing a worm and “Robert Hartley” going “ew.” Mudcat: “The first time he died as the Baron, he came out of a shark as a clone spell.”
• The Gauntlet is one of Mudcat’s favorite episodes of the season, and Caustic Phoenix will build another Gauntlet map.
• 2v2 house rules (one death save set per team) are still evolving.
• Thornabub’s Death Wards were planned: GloriousGe0rge messaged Mudcat beforehand to ask whether he could cast them with two 4th-level slots. It was the first time anyone had asked for a prep spell. The hero point amplified them beyond 1 HP, together with the RP of the box.
• Mudcat: “it’s probably not the last of Flynry for anybody who’s at home worried about it.”
• Praise for Bonus Stage Rob as a good sport despite his rolls.
• Caustic Phoenix notes that her teams rolled hot all three weeks. The Box of Chaos has “thousands of items.”
• Mudcat: the Horn of Valhalla (an earlier round) was a mistake: it broke the action economy, “a good way to kill five berserkers at one time.”
• Season 3 starts July 24, 2022. More one-shots are planned in addition to the “Fate of the Arbiter one-shots we’ve been running,” along with lore expansion and possibly small campaigns in other worlds or other systems.