Glub Glub is a hobgoblin champion, played by carefulcantrip. By his own account he is the smartest of his tribe, smarter even than the Chieftain, and the inventor of the wheel and the claw. For all that, he never made a friend. Across two Deathmatches he went looking for one with a great club, a tiny skeleton, and very little sense of shame. His first fight ended with an ant crawling into his butthole. His second, fought for The Arbiter in the war for the throne, ended with him dead for good.
Story
Antsy
Glub Glub was pulled into The Dread Fortress to face the timid Geril-Lee. He introduced himself with the confidence of a man who has never been told no: “Me name am Glubglub, smartest of Hobgoblin tribe, smarter than Chieftain. Me make wheel, me make claw, but Glubglub make no friend.” He promised to “challenge everyone for Arbiter Birdlady.” The Grandmaster then sent both champions to her ancestor’s old hunting grounds, a broken stone bridge beside a roaring waterfall.
The fight was a long slide into indignity. He won a vulture-impression contest by default, and then Geril-Lee flipped across the gap and slashed his throat. He only remarked, “Glubglub feels blade on skin. Feel good.” He built Boom Boom, a little wooden-legged cannon that spat fire, by hammering on a wooden flag. He put on his “magic rock goggles,” which were sticks with no lenses. He also ran for shelter under a tree during a lightning storm (“It’s science”). Vultures dove at him, and one of them, unable to get her beak through his hide, pooped on him instead. Geril-Lee sent an invisible servant to tickle his butt and balls under his loincloth, which he took as well as anyone could: “Glubglub have girlfriend do this once.” He gave himself a splinter on his own club, and the hosts were so moved that they paused the match to have it treated. When Doug’s barking turned the champions into beasts for a round, Glub Glub became a monstrous walrus (his college nickname) and mooned his opponent. The Grandmaster rewarded his commitment by blessing his butthole.
Along the way he made Bony, a tiny homunculus skeleton with huge eye sockets and no jaw, so it always looked like it was smiling. “Glubglub only friend, Bony.” Later Geril-Lee set a weasel running figure-eights around his legs, rubbing fur against his butthole and balls. He tore off his loincloth, screamed “Are you not entertained?” at The Acolytes, and let loose a fart “like Valhalla is being called down.” The crowd loved it, and he very carefully punched the weasel dead. When the Arbiter flooded the arena and swept both champions downriver, Glub Glub ignored his wounds to fish Bony out of the rapids and snuggle him warm. The two fought side by side, Glub Glub with his club and Bony with a twig, “with the power of friendship.”
It wasn’t enough. Geril-Lee conjured a single ant, which crawled through his “short and curlies” toward his blessed butthole. As it crawled in, she landed two perfect strikes in a row. “No! No, I said first knuckle, not first ant.” On his knees in the rain, Glub Glub conceded that she was the superior fighter and handed her his only friend: “Please, Boney, only friend. Geril-Lee, please teach him in your ways of master fighter.” She then politely pulled the ant out of his butthole, so he wouldn’t die with it inside him. The Arbiter then dragged him off into the forest by the ankle, his head bouncing off the rocks. At the table afterward, his player said that win or lose, Glub Glub “finally made that friend that he’s always been looking for.”
Battle for the Crown
When the Arbiter rose against the Grandmaster, Glub Glub returned to fight for him, introduced as Glub Glub the Glorious, assistant for the day to his general, Ralzamon. “Me am is Glub Glub, and me has returned!” The Arbiter introduced him as “a renowned scientist and researcher.” This time the stakes were different: the Grandmaster declared that every death in this war would be permanent. The arena was a deserted fortress frozen in ice, and Glub Glub faced Toddleheim and Veronica.
A swirl of chaos snow turned him into a fluffy cow (“Team cow, yeah!”). Finding nothing to graze on, he swan-dived off the fortress walls and stuck the landing well enough to earn a perfect ten from the Grandmaster. After Ralzamon fell off a tower, the Arbiter promoted Glub Glub to acting general. “Me will act generally.” Veronica speared the cow form back into a hobgoblin and smacked him in the face with her sword’s pommel. Once Ralzamon had frozen her in place with a spell, Glub Glub repaid her with a perfect club blow and then another. Toddleheim’s attempt to frighten him failed, because, as the Grandmaster put it, “He just doesn’t have a brain for that to work on.”
When Toddleheim became a werewolf, Glub Glub simply adopted him. He asked for back scratches, gave him a “love tap” on the nose, and threw a stick that the wizard could not resist chasing. “Glub Glub, new dog… good pup, good pup.” Toddleheim later brought the stick back and slapped him across the face with it. Glub Glub took this as a training setback, and when Ralzamon blasted the werewolf, he yelled, “Don’t hit puppies.” Then Veronica, armed with a horn from Gerald, summoned five berserkers. Glub Glub greeted them warmly: “Oh, hello, I Glub Glub. I like long walk on beach and very happy to make new friends.”
They hacked him apart. Veronica perched in a tree and froze him in place with a spell (“Glub Glub has always wanted to be held, but I guess closest it will ever come”). The berserkers landed blow after blow, but his rage kept him standing at the last sliver of life. When Ralzamon died, Glub Glub shed a single tear. He broke free, stood, smiled one last time at the berserkers, told them they had all fought well, and waited. Veronica finished him with a ray of frost, and he fell back into the bloody snow. Bony ran onto his chest, sobbing dry little sobs. Then the Arbiter flew down, knelt by his head, called him “a fucking disappointment,” and curb-stomped him. The Arbiter’s boot was the last thing Glub Glub saw. The Grandmaster raised his body before the crowd anyway, honoring all who had fought, and even the Arbiter admitted that “Glub Glub touched the hearts of the entire crowd.”
Personality and Abilities
Glub Glub speaks in broken third person and considers himself a mathematician, a scientist and a college man. He was a science major during what he calls his “experimental time,” and his college nicknames were “Walrus” and “Tripod.” His motto was “Try everything twice.” He wears only a loincloth, out of respect for tribal custom, and goes days without washing (“Hopefully like vinegar flavor”). He uses the metric system and was devastated to learn the arena measured in feet. His balls hang very low, and he is very ticklish. Under the bravado he is soft-hearted: lonely, eager to befriend anything, puppies and berserkers included, and gracious in defeat.
In a fight he is a reckless brute with a great club. He flies into a frothing rage, and the shadow of a bear guards him while it lasts, so the blows that land on him do only half the harm. He can sense when someone is trying to slip away and punish them for it, at least when he doesn’t fumble. His inventions are Boom Boom, a fire-spitting wooden cannon that trots after him, and Bony, the tiny grinning skeleton he made from a bone in his bag.
Relationships
- Geril-Lee: His first opponent, who killed him with an ant’s help, then pulled the ant out of his butthole and accepted Bony as his parting gift.
- The Arbiter: Dragged him off after his first death, later fielded him in the fight for the throne, promoted him to acting general, and curb-stomped him as he died.
- The Grandmaster: Named him “Math Titian,” blessed his butthole and had his splinter treated, and later honored his body even though he fought on the Arbiter’s side.
- Ralzamon: The general he served as assistant; Glub Glub shed a tear when he died.
- Toddleheim: The werewolf wizard he adopted as his “new dog,” with mixed results.
- Veronica: Struck him in the face and finished him with frost in the Battle for the Crown.
- Doug: When Doug’s bark turned him into a walrus, he pleaded, “Doug, please, we friends.”
Memorable Quotes
“Please, Boney, only friend. Geril-Lee, please teach him in your ways of master fighter.” (Antsy)
- “Me name am Glubglub, smartest of Hobgoblin tribe, smarter than Chieftain. Me make wheel, me make claw, but Glubglub make no friend.” (Antsy)
- “No! No, I said first knuckle, not first ant.” (Antsy)
- “Are you not entertained? Are you not entertained?” (Antsy)
- “Glub Glub, new dog… good pup, good pup. Now bring back, bring back.” (Battle for the Crown Round 1)
- “Glub Glub has always wanted to be held, but I guess closest it will ever come.” (Battle for the Crown Round 1)